Well, dear readers, I have gone through the morass of bills that were sitting on my kitchen counter, I have paid said bills and now my kitchen counter once again resembles a kitchen counter. Did you know that it is easy to be a kitchen counter? For example, I have one kitchen. If you figure out how many kitchens you have in your very own home (and perhaps even the homes of your friends and relatives), you too can be a kitchen counter. May I just say here and now and also now and here that I do not like bills. I don’t like getting them and I don’t like paying them. I feel all bills should be abolished, because bills are unseemly and wretched and no bill ever good-newsed me. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were no bills in the world? I think we should start a campaign to get rid of all bills, don’t you, dear readers? Or at least the bills we really detest. Yes, some bills are not so bad. For example, my most recent AT&T long distance bill was for $7.59. That, in my opinion, is a reasonable bill. If all bills were for $7.59 then that would be fine and dandy and also dandy and fine. Yes, from now on all bills should be for $7.59 and the devil take the hindmost.

Have I mentioned that my kitchen is beginning to resemble a kitchen again? It is, and that is a good thing. It was beginning to resemble a pig sty, and a person who is as anal and orderly as I cannot have a kitchen which resembles a pig sty. Now my kitchen resembles a kitchen and that is ever so much nicer. My kitchen also bears a slight resemblance to Ona Munson, but that’s another story.

I must make mention of the fact that on May 20th, there is a memorial concert for my recently departed and very dear friend, Mr. Donald Johnston. It’s taking place at Trinity School on West 91st St. in New York, New York. It’s going to be a wonderful event, so if you’re in the area, be sure to attend – you can RSVP to dbecker593@aol.com or call (973) 313-1988. If you can’t attend, donations can be made to the Yale School of Music for the Donald Johnston Music Award. You can get those details by e-mailing the above address. Donald died quite suddenly last year – he was a fantastic man, a great composer, a wonderful orchestrator (he did my Night of the Hunter album, amongst others – as well as the current revival of 42nd Street) and all who knew him miss him.

Have you all been counting your kitchens? Well, today is the day I answer all the questions you posed yesterday. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Well, in order to get to those handy-dandy answers, we must all do that dreary thing we must do, we must all click on that Unseemly Button below, so let’s do it and get it over with.

Very well then, shall we get right to the answers? Shall we delay no further? Shall we not dally and tarry any longer? Shall we say enough with the dallying and the tarrying? Or, shall we dally and tarry just a bit more? No, I feel we are done with our daily dally and our Thursday tarry – we must move on to the answers and move on now. Yes, why should we dally and tarry further, when there are questions to answer and kitchens to count.

Arnold M. Brockman asks if it’s ever occurred to me to put out a cabaret act with several performers, using the concept of Lost in Boston?

Yes. I designed that series with doing a revue based on the albums, and I even discussed it at various times with various producers, but it never came to pass.

Arnold also asks what, other than the ones that have been done, cartoon strip do I think would make a good musical? I never read all that many as a kid, but I do remember liking Terry and the Pirates, and that seems like one that would be fun and colorful. I also think there’s an interesting musical in Dick Tracy, but not in any way, shape or form one that would resemble the Warren Beatty film. Arnold also asks if I remember a 60s film called How To Murder Your Wife with Jack Lemmon and Virna Lisi and do I think that would make a good musical. I do indeed remember that funny movie, which I saw many times. It was written by the often amusing George Axelrod and directed by one of my favorites back then, Richard Quine. I don’t know about it being a musical – I think it would have to be changed quite a bit, unless one made it a total period piece – but I will say that the film itself has wonderful music by the great Neal Hefti. Arnold also asks if I saw John Brown’s Body. No, I didn’t, and I also didn’t see Phil Blue’s Body either. He asks who owns the rights to the recording that was made of it – I presume Columbia, the label that issued it – they show no signs of being interested in releasing their wonderful catalog of spoken word plays. A shame. Finally, do I agree that a good musical could be made of The Great Gatsby and who would I hire to star, direct and write? Oh, I don’t know – I think it’s one of those ideas that might sound interesting, but the doing of it would prove less so.

Laura tells me that her in-laws are coming to visit and asks if I have any advice? I do. The first thing I would do with them is count how many kitchens you have. That will be most interesting for them. Then I would serve them a meal of ham chunks and cheese slices – I would suggest they attend this meal dressed in their cut-off jeans or, at the very least, their colored tights and pantaloons. For after dinner entertainment, you could all dance the Hora or if you are feeling daring, the Pachanga.

Laura also has a question from family friend Megan - is there a good Yiddish word to say to someone who is mostly nice but sometimes a pain? I’m afraid I don’t know very much Yiddish. You can always expend a weary “Oyyyyyy”. A weary “Oyyyyy” sometimes does wonders. Or, you could just say a weary “Yo”, which of course is “Oy” spelled backwards. Laura also asks if I’ve ever been a dancer? I would love to have been or to be a dancer, but I am quite clunky at that sort of thing. I have danced, however, on national network television shows, so I suppose I have been a dancer. What stage acting have I done? A lot, in college. A wonderful play here in Los Angeles at the Mark Taper Forum, called Forget-Me-Not Lane (I co-starred with the likes of Bud Cort, John McMartin and Donald Moffat), several of my own musicals, and the odd production of How to Succeed and Stop the World in various theaters. Finally, are Meltz and Ernest still alive? Sadly, no. Soon all will be revealed about the team of Meltz and Ernest. Stay tuned for details.

Lolita asks if I have any pets, how many pairs of shoes I have and finally do I have any skills which people haven’t experienced yet (such as drawing, fly fishing or poker playing)? I have no pets, although I wouldn’t mind having a nice dog (I do not like cats, rats, snakes, etc.). I have approximately four and one half pairs of shoes. As to other skills, I am indeed an excellent poker player, a horrid drawer, and I’ve been told I kiss well. Lolita also asks what my favorite dictionary is? I only have one, hence it is my favorite: A beat up old hardcover Webster’s. Lolita also asks if I ever finished watching David Mamet’s version of The Winslow Boy. I did, and I enjoyed it, although it’s not my favorite Mamet film. Also, what do I think of Gilda Radner? I thought she was a good comedienne, not a great one. I did see her show on Broadway and found it enjoyable, but she never reached the giddy heights or the comic genius of someone like Lily Tomlin.

Tom from Oz asks how Jose Jimenez was at our benefit. Well, to put it simply, he brought the house down. That led Tom to ask what my favorite comedy recordings of the 60s and 70s were. Well, I used to buy quite a lot of them as a teen – I adored the albums of Shelly Berman, Bob Newhart, Louis Nye and Jackie Mason. In the 70s I only remember buying one comedy album, but it’s a great one – Derek and Clive Live.

William F. Orr asks what my opinions are on the Jacques Demy and Michel Legrand films, Les Parapluis de Cherbourg, Les Demoiselles de Rochfort and Peau d’Ane – William also mentions that when Demoiselles played in Britain it had an entirely English soundtrack, with Gene Kelly and others doing their own singing.

Well, I absolutely love all three films. When I saw Umbrellas of Cherbourg for the first time (at the Beverly Theater on Beverly Dr. in Beverly Hills (that is three Beverlys – the Beverly Theater is now an Israeli Bank) I was enchanted and I went back ten times in one week. I fell in love with Catherine Deneuve. Then, whenever it would play around town I would go back and see it again. I didn’t see Demoiselles until a few years after its initial release, but I also loved that film. The English version that Mr. Orr alludes to does exist because I had a scope/Techinicolor 16mm print of it. I also have the UK soundtrack album on LP, which is in English as well. Gene Kelly does do his own singing (except for the high notes), but the girls (Deneuve and Dorleac) are dubbed by others. The interesting thing about that version is that the musical numbers were shot two ways: One in French, and one with everyone mouthing the English words, so the takes in each version are very different, like the two versions of Oklahoma! and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. But everything outside of the musical numbers is dubbed conventionally – the French spoken dialogue is just dubbed into English but the actors are still clearly speaking French words. Peau d’Ane is not as well known, but again Miss Deneuve is luminous and it’s weird but very well done. I also like Mr. Demy’s collaboration with the other Michel, Columbier, called Un Chambre en Ville (A Room in Town).

Michael Shayne has a two-part question: Part One – Do I think singers who change pronouns in songs (him/her, he/she, man/woman, etc.) change the intentions of the composer/lyricists original concept/intention? I’m sure there are a handful of examples where composer/lyricist intentions would be harmed, but most writers know that songs that live outside of shows will be done by both male and female performers, and many of them take that into account and write their own “other” versions. Part Two – Do I think singers should sing the songs as originally intended, without the pronoun change? No, not really. I’m not hard-headed about such things – if the song works both ways, then no problem. If it sounds weird (Mr. Shayne brings up The Man That Got Away) then no, I don’t care for it and think singers should not change the pronouns – if it makes the song silly. Michael later added a Part Three: Has Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest ever written a song about “gnrrr” (the fuzzy gray stuff that collects at the bottom of your pocket). No, not that I’ve found. But Frank Loesser does mention it in the opening of The Most Happy Fella.

Mattso asks a few questions, so I will provide a few answers without dallying or tarrying: Where is MacArthur Park? It’s on Wilshire Blvd. close to downtown Los Angeles, and yes, Virginia, there is a brief scene that takes place there in my very own novel. Have I ever left a cake out in the rain? No, I haven’t because I simply don’t think that I could take it ‘cause it took so long to bake it, and frankly I’ll never have that recipe again – oh, no.
What is Cindy Williams up to these days? She just finished doing a primetime special for Laverne and Shirley, as well as doing the audio commentary tracks with me for The First Nudie Musical DVD. Was Leslie Nielsen fun to work with? Oh, yes. Wild and crazy, Leslie is. Leslie, as some of you might no, is never without his “fart” machine – which he uses at every opportunity. When we were shooting The Creature Wasn’t Nice, Cindy’s mother came up to me one day and asked, “Does Leslie have a problem? He should change his diet”.

Ron Pulliam asks what the best publication is for staying abreast of doings on Broadway? I’m afraid that with the demise of Theatre Week, there isn’t anything. I mean, there’s American Theatre, but that’s not really Broadway. No, the internet is your best bet – broadway.com, playbill.com, talkinbroadway.com, are three sites that come to mind. Ron also asks me what the meaning of life is. I feel that the meaning of life is a cheese slice. I have always felt that. I think cheese slices inform life and give it its very meaning. I mean it.

Craig asks the following: Have I ever seen the film Brain Donors? No. What are some of the shows and/or concerts I’m looking forward to in the coming year? I haven’t given it much thought, frankly. What was my first concert (rock, vocal, or otherwise)? That is an interesting question. I want to say that my earliest memory of attending a concert would be Jackie Mason and Caterina Valente at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium. But right around that time I also saw Martha Schlamme (who was incredible) at the Troubador or some club like the Troubador. How many roads must a man walk down and is the answer really blowing in the wind. Yes, the answer is blowing in the wind and I feel a man must walk down three and one half roads. What are my favorite websites to visit that are not directly theater or music-related. Hmmmm. eBay. That’s about it. Although I do frequent several Usenet film discussion groups. Would my novel, Benjamin Kritzer, make a good movie? A good musical? Those who’ve read it have all commented that it would make a good movie – it’s written very visually. A musical? I shouldn’t think so. Who is my favorite superhero and why? Superman, first, foremost and always. Because he could fly, he stood for truth and justice, two things I believe in, and I liked his outfit. Finally, what deli makes the best ham chunks and cheese slices platter? Oh, perhaps Langer’s on 7th and Alvarado.

Hapgood asks: Kurt Weill-German or American musicals? American. Ute Lemper-what do I think? I liked her Weill album a lot, but she’s become very mannered in recent outings. Audra McDonald-what do I think? Very talented, but not my cup of tea. Will Woody Allen ever make another good movie? I’m ever hopeful – Sweet and Lowdown (Mr. Allen’s La Strada) was pretty good, I thought. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? I do not have an answer to this question.

Freedunit has many many questions. What was my contribution to the film, The Faculty? My friend David Wechter and I wrote the original screenplay, which was then “rewritten” by Mr. Kevin Williamson. He kept our structure, several of our character templates and, of course, the story. He changed every single line of dialogue and only kept two of our character names.

What are my favorite anagrams. I know I used to do whole columns with anagrams, but my mind is a blank right now. I’ll see if I can go back to One From Column A and find some of my favorites. What is Mark Rutland’s middle name? I don’t believe Mr. Rutland has a middle name. Will there ever be a full recording of the musical Smile in its original orchestration. Well, I tried, I did try. I wanted to record Smile more than anything, but Mr. Hamlisch doesn’t like to know from his flops and he wouldn’t allow it. I badgered him quite often but he was not movable on the subject. I’m lucky he let me do the songs I did. What show should Elaine Stritch do next? Not Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, for which she’s simply too old. I think Miss Stritch is doing exactly what she should be doing and I hope she will continue doing it for quite some time. What is my reaction to the concept of a male singer singing The Man That Got Away exactly as written. Why not? Should The Man That Got Away be sung as the grammatically correct The Man Who Got Away? No. It’s not as interesting or as poetic. Should On The Street Where You Live be sung as In The Street Where You Live? Never. Hideous.

Bill asks if I had anything to do with the series of CDs on the Shadowland/Rialto label, since they were very similar in style to what I do, and since several of the singers I work with appeared on them, as well as the fact that my engineer Vinnie worked on them. No, I did not. I’d heard about them, but hadn’t actually heard them. Vinnie told me he’d worked on them. We all descended from Ben Bagley, I suppose, but I was determined to do that sort of rare material with an orchestra, so that it would sound like Broadway. I suppose if I brought anything unique to the table it was that.

And that, dear readers, is that. That was a lot of questions, but you will notice that I did not dally nor did I tarry – I answered them just as quickly as I possibly could. Now, it’s late and I must get these here notes up, I must count some kitchens and I must do the things I do. Today’s topic of discussion: What is the weirdest musical, play and film you have ever seen. I will not start, because frankly I have been typing for an hour and a half and my fingers are revolting. Well, not really revolting, I have very nice fingers, but said fingers simply cannot type another word.