haines his way

05/03/2002:
"EATING A GUMMY HORSE"

Well, dear readers, it is a day to celebrate. It is a day to break out the ham chunks and cheese slices. It is a day to put on our pointy party hats and dance the Hora, or even the Mashed Potato. Why is it a day to do all those things? Well, I’ll tell you why it is a day to do all those things, because why should I keep it from you? It is a day to celebrate because today I have approved the galley of my very own novel, Benjamin Kritzer. It is finished, I am putting it to bed and now they will get it ready for publication. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? This has been a long journey, dear readers – I saw my first galley in mid-March. That galley was so not what I wanted in every single way that we basically had to start over from scratch. But the story has a happy ending – the book now looks splendid and exactly like I hoped and prayed it would. Oh, happy day, as they say in Li’l Abner, the Broadway musical comedy. I will keep you posted on all developments and when it will be available to order.
Speaking of Li’l Abner, do you know what I bought on eBay the other day? I bought an album I didn’t even know existed (on LP) – a jazz version of the score by Shelly Manne and Andre Previn. I haven’t heard it yet, but I’m looking forward to spinning that platter this very day. Also on this very day I am having luncheon with one of our very own dear readers, Mr. Mark Rothman, who was recently a winner in one of our handy-dandy trivia contests. I’ve actually known Mr. Rothman for many years, as he used to be a writer on Laverne and Shirley. How he found our little site I have no idea, but find it he did. I love the fact that you dear readers come from all walks of life. What I’d like to know is if any of you come from all runs of life? Why does everyone always have to come from the walks of life? How about the trots of life? I’m tired of the fershluganah walks of life.
I have been feeling a little under the weather this entire week – and now my throat feels weird, but I am fighting whatever it is and I intend to win this fight. I wish to feel over the weather, not under it. I think it’s just because I hadn’t been getting much sleep prior to our handy-dandy benefit and that lack of sleep finally caught up with me. Tonight I will be having my handy-dandy Russian masseuse come over to massage me, and I know that will make me feel like I’m on the top of the world, ma.
It’s a beautiful Friday here in Los Angeles, California. The skies are blue and there is a gentle breeze blowing, rustling the leaves of the trees. My goodness, that was poetic, wasn’t it? I almost wept for the sheer poetry of it all, but then I decided to eat a gummy horse instead. That is a fine way to start off a morning, eating a gummy horse. This particular gummy horse was pale green. Perhaps I’ll eat a pink gummy horse next. What the hell am I talking about? Eating gummy horses? We must have something better to talk about. Excuse me for a moment.
No, apparently we don’t have anything better to talk about. I just roamed around my very own home looking for something better to talk about and yet I found nothing that was better to talk about than eating a green and pink gummy horse.
Last night I watched a classic film noir, Anthony Mann’s Raw Deal. Mr. Mann was a fine director, and his films noir are amongst the best of the genre, due to his collaboration with the brilliant cinematographer, John Alton. Not a great script or anything, but the performances are fun (Claire Trevor, Dennis O’Keefe and a very large and young Raymond Burr) and the direction and photography are incredible. I also recommend the other Anthony Mann/John Alton DVD that just came out, T-Men.
What am I, writing the whole of these notes in this first section? How unseemly of me. Let us save some of the whole of these notes for the next section before we are bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor, that very busy hale fellow well met. Or is it well fellow hale met? Oh, let’s just click on that Unseemly Button and be done with it.

I have just eaten a white and yellow gummy horse. Actually, I don’t think they’re gummy horses, they’re more like creamsicle horses. I have gummy fish, for example, and they look nothing like what I’m calling gummy horses. But I don’t like calling the horses creamsicle, that is just heinous (heinous, do you hear me?). So, I shall continue calling them gummy horses, and the devil take the hindmost, whatever the hell that means.
I just ate a purple gummy/creamsicle horse and it was yucky. I immediately went through the gummy jar and pulled out all purple gummy/creamsicle horses and consigned them to the trash bag.
Don’t forget, tomorrow is our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest, and I already have the question. And Donald tells me he will have a brand spanking new radio show up for your listening pleasure, come this Sunday evening. Donald has also asked me to pick out my twelve favorite showtunes (in any version) and I will endeavor to do so, even though that is a daunting task. Then I will go to his handy-dandy home and do the radio show with him. Isn’t that exciting? I shall be on the radio and my voice will carry forth through the internet ether to all waiting ears. Wasn’t that poetic? I almost wept for the sheer poetry of it all.
Speaking of anagrams (we were yesterday), here’s one, which I should post, but I’ll just put it here: “Hi. Post: Send me hen”. Who is it?
I have got to stop with these gummy/creamsicle horses, they are addictive. You can’t just eat one of these damn horses, you must eat ten of them. However, when you eat ten gummy/creamsicle horses then you want to throw up. This is called the conundrum of the gummy/creamsicle horses, which I feel is also a fine title for a book.
I am already beginning to feel a little better. I will not give in, I will fight being sick. I will eat sushi at luncheon, but only the kind that is cooked, such as a California Roll and shrimp. I do not like eating raw fish on rice. That is just not what I do. There’s something about the slimy gelatinous taste of raw fish that makes me want to vomit, and I already want to vomit from all the stupid gummy/creamsicle horses I have eaten.
Well, dear readers, I shall keep these here notes brief today, because yesterday’s were so endlessly long. Back in the One From Column A days, I spoke of a joke book that Mr. David Shire had created, to which I contributed quite a few things. This was known as the Coprophiliac’s Joke Book, and it made fine bathroom reading. For those who don’t know, coprophilia is a love of excrement. Yes, Virginia, you read that right – a love of excrement. So, here are a few typical Coprophiliac’s Joke Book jokes:
What is a coprophiliac’s favorite children’s book: Winnie the Pooh.
What is a coprophiliac’s favorite kids’ television program: Howdy Doody.
Where is a coprophiliac’s favorite place on a ship: The poop deck.
What are a coprophiliac’s favorite pair of pants: Dungarees.
What does a coprophiliac order in a Chinese restaurant: Poo-Poo Platter.
Where is a coprophiliac’s favorite place to sit in a bar: The bar stool.
What is a coprophiliac’s favorite movement in a symphony: Number Two.
Well, you get the idea. Today’s topic of discussion: Make up your own coprophiliac jokes and add them to our book. Your turn.

Replies: 38 Unseemly Comments

To begin:
Why do coprophiliacs like to listen to Jazz...
Because of the SCAT
Posted by Craig @ 05/03/2002 09:03 AM PST

Anagram: Stephen Sondheim (why can't your REAL trivia questions be this easy?)!
Posted by JMK @ 05/03/2002 09:08 AM PST

This is just too tempting. I cannot help but indulge:
What is a coprophiliac's favorite dog?
A Shitzu
What is a coprophiliac's favorite lake in South America?
Lake Titicaca
How does a coprophiliac sleep?
In fecal position
What is a coprophiliac's favorite singing style?
Scat
Thank you. I'll be here all week.
Posted by Mattso @ 05/03/2002 09:13 AM PST

What is a coprophiliac’s favorite vegetable? Shitake Mushrooms
What is a coprophiliac’s favorite thing to drive? A Dump Truck
What does an overly verbose coprophiliac suffer from (diarhea of the mouth)? Vowel Movements
From Bill and Ted's Excriment Adventure comes the line "Excriment! Most Anus!"
What is a coprophiliac’s favorite casino game? CRAPS
Posted by Craig @ 05/03/2002 09:37 AM PST

What is a copraphiliac's favorite German song? "Du, Du liegst mir im Hertzen."
What is a copraphiliac's favorite English song? "Do, Do, Do".
What is a copraphiliac's favorite book? The Diary o' Anne Frank.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite New York neighborhood? Turdle Bay.
What are a copraphiliac's favorite academic papers? PhD feces.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite patriotic motto? "England expects every man to do his doody."
What is a copraphiliac's favorite planet? The correct answer is Uranus. But the news media are very shy now and say Urine-us.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite German magazine? Gute Fahrt. (Real magazine, means good travel, I think.)
What is a copraphiliac's favorite way to rake his leaves? Into piles.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite French pastry? Pet de Nonne. (Real pastry, means "nun's fart".)
What is a copraphiliac's favorite insult? "'einous, I say, 'einous!"
What is a copraphiliac's favorite Shakespeare play? Coriolanus
SOMEBODY STOP ME!
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/03/2002 10:17 AM PST

Steve! What kind of $#!+ is this?!
Posted by Elaine Stritch @ 05/03/2002 10:18 AM PST

What is a copraphiliac's favorite Meredith Willson song? "Shipoopie"
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/03/2002 10:19 AM PST

Can't stop the poop jokes!
What is a coprophiliac's favorite Beckett play?
Krapp's Last Tape
Why do coprophiliacs love butterflies?
Because they start out as a poopa.
What are a coprophiliac's favorite sports event?
The 20k runs
How do you know a coprophiliac is happy?
Because of the shit-eating grin on his/her face.
me stop now
Posted by Mattso @ 05/03/2002 10:27 AM PST

What is a coprophiliac’s favorite bway show? Urinetown
What is a coprophiliac’s favorite regional production Poop: The Musical (www.poopthemusical)
What does a coprophiliac’s wrap presents in? Crapping Paper
What's a turn on for a coprophiliac? Kissing a person with a potty mouth
Why is it bad to get directions from a coprophiliac? Because everywhere is just up shit's creek
What did the coprophiliac author name his Mexican Thrille? Montezuma's Revenge
Did you hear about the coprophiliac who went out with a girl who farted? Yeah... he though she was a HUGE tease
What is a coprophiliac’s favorite punctuation? The COLON
Posted by Craig @ 05/03/2002 10:37 AM PST

BK-
I know that Meltz and Ernest wrote a theme song for all the mowers.. did they also write an anthem for coprophiliacs?
Posted by Craig @ 05/03/2002 10:39 AM PST

Oops.. the post below should read:
http://www.poopthemusical.com
Posted by Craig @ 05/03/2002 10:40 AM PST

What do you call the most-wanted coprophiliac?
Public enema number one
What is a coprophiliac's favorite computer function?
Wipe
What is a coprophiliac's favorite Beatles song?
“Yello Submarine”
What is a coprophiliac's favorite region?
Down Under
What is a coprophiliac's favorite poker hand?
A royal flush.
What is a coprophiliac's favorite Broadway musical?
No, it's not Dear World, Phantom of the Opera, Rags, Urinetown, or Big River. It’s The Unsinkable Molly Brown.
What is a coprophiliac's favorite Rolling Stones song?
“Brown Sugar”
What is a coprophiliac's favorite Broadway musical revue?
Bubbling Brown Sugar
Who is a coprophiliac's favorite musical performer?
Scatman Crothers
I may add more later if I am moved to.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/03/2002 10:41 AM PST

I am thrilled to have finally found a topic of discussion that you are all warming to so much. I love when you all get in the spirit of the thing, and your posts are most excellent. Keep up the good work.
Posted by bk @ 05/03/2002 10:51 AM PST

What is a coprophiliac’s favorite form of Islam?
Shi’ite.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/03/2002 11:15 AM PST

Bruce, who am I?
Posted by Firm, Low Rail @ 05/03/2002 11:28 AM PST

What associations do all coprophiliacs belong to?
Coprophiliacs
Really
Are
People
What is a coprophiliac's favorite Adrian Lyne film? Fecal Attraction
Favorite radio show? Anus and Andy
Favorite character in CHICAGO - Lipshitz
Coprophiliac's also love Excrimation points!!!!!
Favorite Sci-Fi movie: E.T.: The Excriment Terrestrial
Posted by Craig @ 05/03/2002 11:31 AM PST

i am really impressed with Freedunit's Unsinkable Molly Brown"!
Here are some more:
What is a coprophiliac's favorite punk band?
The Butthole Surfers
What is a coprophiliac's favorite dessert?
Dingleberry Pie
What charactor would a coprophiliac want to play on Star Treck?
a Klingon
What is a coprophiliac's favorite lyric by the band?
"Take a load off Annie"
Posted by Mattso @ 05/03/2002 11:47 AM PST

This column has gone down the crapper. What hath Thomas wrought?
Posted by Robert Armin @ 05/03/2002 12:03 PM PST

Has BJ ever been nominated for an Enema Award for his work in TV?
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/03/2002 12:26 PM PST

What is a coprophiliac's favorite type of fauna?
Toiletries (trees)
What is a coprophiliac's favorite vehicle?
A Dump Truck
Posted by Mattso @ 05/03/2002 12:40 PM PST

What tourist shops do coprophiliacs love?
Duty free!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/03/2002 01:43 PM PST

What is the coprophiliac's favorite movie quote????
"What a DUMP!"
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/03/2002 01:54 PM PST

What is a copraphiliac's favorite flower? Asphodel
What is a copraphiliac's favorite Irving Berlin song? "Cheek to Cheek"
What is a copraphiliac's favorite part of a parabola? The Latus Rectum. (A little mathematical humor there.)
What is a copraphiliac's favorite punctuation mark? The colon.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite part of a bagpipe? The bladder.
What are a copraphiliac's favorite sale items? Irregulars.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite perfume? Eau de toilette.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite advertizing jingle? "Plop, plop! Fizz, Fizz! Oh what a relief it is!"
What is a copraphiliac's favorite children's organization? The Brownies.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite river? The Messipipi.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite Swedish children's book? Pipi Longstocking.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite line from "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter"? "Kisses on the bottom."
What is a copraphiliac's favorite line from A Little Night Music? "Don't you love farts? My fault, I fear."
What are a copraphiliac's favorite Volkswagen models? The Fahtrvergnuegen and the Pissat.
How does a copraphiliac rate a beauty pageant contestant? "You're an eight."
What is a copraphiliac's favorite type of athletic tournament? Elimination.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite medical journal? The Anals of Internal Medicine.
What is a copraphiliac's favorite year? The Anus Mirabilis
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/03/2002 02:25 PM PST

Why I do believe that Firm, Low Rail would be our very own William F. Orr.
Posted by bk @ 05/03/2002 02:46 PM PST

What is a coprophiliac's favorite casino?
The Golden Nugget!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/03/2002 02:53 PM PST

ok.. for those that aren't reading all the posts and duplicating these cockadoodie jokes... bitch slaps to you all :)
Posted by Craig @ 05/03/2002 03:20 PM PST

Quite right, Mr. K.
Posted by Oui, l'homme est fort! @ 05/03/2002 03:33 PM PST

Of course I don't read today's column until this unseemly hour and there are millions of posts...
Here are mine:
What's a corprophiliac's favorite Danny Kaye show? Two by Two
What's a coprophiliac's favorite Sondehim song? It Takes Two
What's a coprophiliac's favorite Anthony Hopkins movie? Remains of the Day
What's a coprophiliac's favorite Bruce Kimmel cd? The Story Goes On... (Okay, that's stretching it, but I'm tired.)
:)
Posted by Lolita @ 05/03/2002 04:02 PM PST

By the by, the rules at Sondhiem.com were that there should be no misspellings and no substituting words... the true corprophiliac's joke book would only contain things like "Winnie the Pooh," etc, etc, etc.
Posted by Lo @ 05/03/2002 04:15 PM PST

Well, my Joe and I just got done watching two hours of a copraphiliac's favorite science fiction series, and I thought:
What is a copraphiliac's favorite lyric from Pacific Overtures? "I bring word, I bring word from Napoleon ze T'ird."
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/03/2002 07:12 PM PST

Why did the shopaholic-coprophiliac walk past the store?
Sign said, “Duty free.”
[Ron, I rewrote your joke and relieved myself of others…]
What is a coprophiliac’s favorite part of web browsing?
Logging on and logging off
What happened to the lover who didn’t share the coprophiliac’s fetish?
Got dumped.
Is the coprophiliac a June Allyson fan?
Depends.
Why did the coprophiliac fall in love with the meticulous alley-keeper?
Because he kept a tidy bowl.
Why did the coprophiliac fall in love with the connoisseur?
Because he knew shit from shinola.
Why did the coprophiliac fall asleep?
He was wiped.
Did the coprophiliac achieve success quickly?
No, excrementally.
Did the coprophiliac cheat on the exam?
Yeah, fudged it a bit.
What got the bachelor coprophiliac off the pot?
Metamucil.
Did the coprophiliac enjoy these jokes?
Yeah, rectum.
I was pretty sure I wasn’t done earlier. And I was right. I did have more to get out.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/03/2002 07:36 PM PST

So it has taken me all day to find this old favourite.
A coprophiliac's favourite limerick:
There was a young fellow named Hyde
Who fell down a privy and died.
His unfortunate brother
Then fell down another
And now they're interred side by side.
The pun in the last line, intentional or otherwise, makes this a classic.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 05/04/2002 03:14 AM PST

3 more for the POT
What do coprophiliacs paratroopers use? Poop Chutes
What is a coprophiliac's favorite hitchcock movie? Rear Window
Who in history does a coprophiliac admire most? Shitting Bull
Posted by Craig @ 05/04/2002 05:15 AM PST

Why doesn't the coprophile enjoy pool? 'cause he plays pooker instead...and squeals like a wild brown smeared monkey..aarrrgghhh ha ha ha you can't stop me...ahhh ha ha poo for all....
Posted by kristan @ 09/11/2002 03:48 AM PST

How does a coprophile like to see sporting events conclude?
With come-from-behind victories.
Posted by Beverly @ 08/01/2003 08:04 PM PST

How does a coprophile like to see sporting events conclude?
With come-from-behind victories.
Posted by Beverly @ 08/01/2003 08:06 PM PST

When coprophiles seek higher education, what word do they like best to have in the names of their schools?
Institute
Posted by Beverly @ 08/01/2003 08:12 PM PST

Why was the coprophile laughing and saying someone mistook him for fish poop?
Somebody called him a bastard.
Posted by Beverly @ 08/01/2003 08:25 PM PST

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