haines his way

05/04/2002:
"THE HOOVER THAT WAS"

Well, dear readers, it is cleaning lady day so I must write these here notes quickly and efficiently so that she will not look askance at me. When she was here two weeks ago she told me some rather shocking news. She told me that my beloved Hoover upright vacuum cleaner was no longer sucking up the dirt. I was agog, simply agog. Can you imagine being told that your beloved Hoover upright vacuum cleaner was no longer sucking up the dirt – that your beloved Hoover upright vacuum cleaner had, in fact, bitten the dust, gone to its maker (Hoover), had sucked its final suck. That vacuum cleaner that has cleaned so dutifully these many years, had been wheezing in the last few weeks, and then finally didn’t have enough power to suck in even the tiniest morsel of dirt. Oh, it made noise, it sounded like a vacuum cleaner, but there was no suction and without suction what is the point of a vacuum cleaner? And so, I’m afraid we had to put my beloved Hoover upright vacuum cleaner out to pasture – it had a good run, it made many clean sweeps, eighteen years worth of them.
So, off I went to the handy-dandy store where I bought a brand spanking new Hoover upright vacuum cleaner. These new-fangled Hoover upright vacuum cleaners are amazing. Their so now, so with it, and I can barely hold on to it when I switch it on, so intent is this Hoover upright vacuum cleaner on getting to the dirt. This thing sucks, let me tell you that. I have never seen such sucking in all my born days, or even my unborn days for that or any other matter. I didn’t like the fact that one had to assemble such an expensive machine, but one has to because it comes in two parts. Since I don’t assemble, I had to call a friend who is a fine assembler and she assembled it quite handily thank you very much. The cleaning lady should be very happy with this new Hoover upright vacuum cleaner and all its sparkling accoutrements. And my rugs will once again be dirt-free because this thing does not stop until all the dirt has been sucked up into its innards. This thing has a red light/green light thing on it, and until that red light turns green there is still dirt – when it turns green then the dirt is gone and all is well with the world, the rug, and the Hoover.
Can you believe I have just written two endless paragraphs about a vacuum cleaner? Well, that is a fine way to start a Saturday, say I. Being Saturday, of course, also means that it is time for our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest question. But before we get to that, I want to congratulate all of our dear readers for their brilliant posts yesterday – if anyone missed yesterday’s notes you simply must use the handy-dandy Unseemly Archive Button so you can see what subject really brought out the brilliance in our dear readers.
Speaking of brilliance, isn’t it about time we all show our dexterity by clicking on that Unseemly Button below? Oh, yes, I think it’s time we all show our dexterity because if we don’t show our collective dexterities we shall be bitch-slapped by the all-knowing, all-seeing, Grand Poobah of this here domain, Mr. Mark Bakalor. So, let us click away, before that Grand Poobah has a chance to strut his bitch-slapping stuff.

There, the Grand Poobah has been thwarted again, damn his eyes.
I am still feeling quite tingly and relaxed from my handy-dandy massage. My Russian masseuse pummeled me and kneaded me like a fine loaf of bread – she anointed me with precious oils and worked her wonders, while I lay on the table like so much fish, in blissful peace. I always try to choose good background music for my massage. For example, it is not good to get a massage whilst listening to The Rolling Stones. No, one wants music to massage the ears and brain, so last night I played one of my favorite albums, a Jan Akkerman guitar album, with orchestrations by the great Claus Ogerman. It’s basically all gorgeous classical music, arranged for Mr. Akkerman’s supple guitar playing and it is perfect massage music.
Well, don’t you think it’s time we get to our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest question? Don’t you think it’s just about that time? Here it is:
One hit musical had a cast that spawned a major television star, a successful television writer/producer, and a major Broadway and television choreographer. Name the musical, the major television star, the successful television writer/producer, and the major Broadway and television choreographer.
Tie breaker: One year earlier there was another hit musical that opened and had a cast that spawned a major television star and a successful television writer/producer. Name the musical, the television star and the television writer/producer. Clue: The two musicals definitely have one thing in common.
Remember, e-mail me your answers by using the handy-dandy unseemly Ask Bruce Kimmel button (or bruce@haineshisway.com) and do not post them to the site. You have until Monday at midnight. Good luck to one and all and also to all and one. The Highest Winner, of course, will receive a sparkling prize.
Yesterday I had lunch with our very own dear reader, Mr. Mark Rothman, a very funny fellow. I’d met Mr. Rothman slightly when I’d guested on Laverne and Shirley, for which he wrote. We ate at a very strange restaurant called Todai (pronounced Toh-die – but it could also be pronounced To Die and the latter pronunciation makes me nervous, especially when dining). Todai is sort of like a Swedish smorgasbord only with Japanese food. It’s a buffet-style affair where you get a plate and just load up on the sushi or any of the various and sundried salads and hot dishes they have. You may eat as much as you like and we did. We had a lovely chat and it was fun to catch up. Have you ever caught “up”? “Up” is a feisty little thing and very difficult to catch, let me tell you that. But, we caught “up” and we were all the better for it. What the hell am I talking about?
My cleaning lady is giving me the evil eye. She is casting me sidelong glances in that way of hers. But she does like her brand spanking new Hoover upright vacuum cleaner, so she’s cutting me some slack. I don’t even want any slack, yet there she is, scissors at work, cutting me the damn slack. Now my slack is in pieces. I hate that. I like when my slack is whole. Whole slack, that is what we need.
Well, I’m afraid I must cut these here notes short, although the cleaning lady is currently using the scissors to cut me some slack so I cannot cut these here notes short unless I rip them short and that would leave unseemly edges. We must never have unseemly edges, only neat and tidy and kempt edges for us here at haineshisway.com. I shall return tomorrow with more of the same or, perhaps, same of the more. For now, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, journey as far as the eye can wander. Today’s topic of discussion: What are your favorite western films? I do know that when I sometimes bring this topic up with my musical theatre friends, they poo-poo the western film. That is because they are coprophiliacs, clearly. And yet, I love musicals and also have always loved western films. So, I feel it is high time that we pay tribute to our favorites. I’ll start: The Searchers (my all-time favorite), Once Upon a Time in The West (brilliant), Red River, Ride Lonesome, High Noon, Rio Bravo, For a Few Dollars More, Shane, The Magnificent Seven, The Naked Spur (by my beloved Anthony Mann), The Wild Bunch, Ride The High Country (my second all-time fave), and many many more. Your turn.

Replies: 18 Unseemly Comments

My favorite Western is Oklahoma!
The only other Western that I liked that comes to mind is Outland, featuring Sean Connery and Frances Sternhagen. I quite disliked Unforgiven. As for other Clint Eastwood flicks, I like my spaghetti marinara, not Western.
Does the unseemly confession that I resist the Western genre mean I am a coprophiliac?
Despite what the server says, it approaches high noon Pacific time. Away!
Posted by freedunit @ 05/04/2002 10:38 AM PST

My favorite westerns:
Shane
Giant
Broken Lance
The Big Country
The Sons of Katie Elder
Silverado
How the West Was Won
Once Upon A Time in the West
Johnny Guitar
Calamity Jane
Annie Get Your Gun
Seven Brides For Seven Brothers
Oklahoma!
Blazing Saddles
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/04/2002 01:32 PM PST

Westerns that I bother seeing again are few but I did like "Butch Cassidy", "Shane",and "One Eyed Jacks". "Blazing Saddles" should get an honourable mention. I have always liked the title songs and themes to the westerns more than I have the movies themselves - Hugo Monenegro, Al Caiola etc.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 05/04/2002 01:37 PM PST

favorite western:
Duck You Sucker (original director's version) Also known as Fistful of Dynamite.
And one of the kinkiest exestentialist (sp?) western: Johnny Guitar
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/04/2002 02:28 PM PST

And my trivia question.
Four tony award winner performers and one oscar winner turned downed the lead role in a musical that eventually won a tony award for the performer who finally took the role.
Name the musical, the role, the person who won the tony award and the performers who turned it down.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/04/2002 02:33 PM PST

The Searchers. Oh, how I love The Searchers. Oh, how I love Old Mose. How I love Martin Pawley. How I love Ethan, how I love Laurie, and how I even love Charley McCorry.
My other favorites are The Sons of Katie Elder, Rio Bravo, True Grit, Big Jake, (sensing a theme here?) and also The Big Country and Blazing Saddles.
Everyone: Go to amazon.com and pre-order The First Nudie Musical! The cover looks great and it's in the top 1600 or something like that... So order now and then we will rule the internet!
Posted by Lolita @ 05/04/2002 03:57 PM PST

Mr. Mark Bakalor will not be the ONLY one doing the bitch-slapping. Six comments? This is why I slaved over hot notes all morning? This is why I endured the sidelong glances of a cleaning lady? Was it the topic of favorite westerns? Perhaps we should go back to coprophilia? And only one person has attempted a guess to the trivia contest? Did all our dear readers suddenly go on vacation? Oh, well, there's always tomorrow, which is free-for-all day, topic of discussion-wise. Well, back to Miss Susan Hayward. Maybe when I come back on later we'll have some more comments, either seemly or unseemly.
Posted by bk @ 05/04/2002 07:34 PM PST

BK! How forceful and commanding you are! I was out on a date... and I come back to this fershluganah rant..oy vey LOL Anyway... I'm not much for westerns, not even the spaghetti kind. I do have a fondness for Spaghetti though.. Pasta is yummy.. in fact, that is what I had on my date. I love the cheescake factory... they have a great menu.
oh..well juding from what others consider westerns.. I would say that I like Blazing Saddles, The Frisco Kid, 7B 4 7B, and Annie Get Your Gun...
Posted by Craig @ 05/04/2002 09:01 PM PST

Is a haunted vacuum cleaner a sucubus?
I have to admit, I'm not much of a Westerns fan. But I might be interested in a remake of The Wild Bunch starring The Brady Bunch. Just imagine: "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha...*BLAM!*
Posted by S. Woody White @ 05/04/2002 09:25 PM PST

Well, I can see from the number of posts that Westerns aren't quite as populari as s**t. Ooops! Did I say that?
Not a big fan of Westerns either. And we seldom watch them, as my Joe's father was addicted to John Wayne films and would always change the channel on his kids, no matter what they were watching, if there was a Western on some channel.
But I do have a great fondness for "Destry Rides Again", which dates from before I was aware of the musical. And btw, Bruce and others, are you familiar with the TER recording of the Donmar production? Reorchestrated for guitar, banjo, piano, washboard, and harmonica, etc., with the cast playing all of the instruments.
Also, "Silverado" gets my vote.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/04/2002 09:47 PM PST

Well, I seem to be in the majority here. I'll have to go along with "Calamity Jane" and "Blazing Saddles." Yes, I did like "How the West Was Won," but I liked anything in Cinerama then.
I always liked "North to Alaska" (but it's because I liked Ernie Kovacs and I thought Fabian was cute). "McClintock" was bearable for Maureen O'Hara and because Patrick Wayne was cute. "Rio Bravo" was OK because Ricky Nelson was cute. I liked a few Audie Murphy movies because he was cute. Anything with Guy Madison was fine because he was cute. Noticing a trend here? And then of course, we have the movies where people like Jeff Chandler and Rock Hudson played Indians. HArdly believable, but at least their shirts were off.
Posted by Kerry @ 05/04/2002 10:50 PM PST

My goodness! BK in a SNIT!
That's rather sweet in an odd way.
I vote yes. I do think he would slave over notes all morning, enduring not only the glances (askance or otherwise) of his probably wonderful cleaning lady, but withstanding several Bakalor bitch slaps whether he thought anyone would comment or not!
Mr. Orr, I know what your Joe went through. I, too, endured a channel-changing father. Every time Mike Nelson would embark upon another "Sea Hunt" escapade, I'd find myself staring at a sporting event on TV. Whenever anything interesting appeared on one of our "three" (count 'em THREE) channels, I'd suddenly find myself assaulted by sports or, worse, country music. And not the "country" music we have today -- it's that stuff that was born in the hills of Appalachia and sung with twangs and accompanied by guitars, banjoes, harmonicas and the occasional kazoo.
"Hee Haw" was a mere parody of what I was exposed to. Is it any wonder then that I sought the confinement of my bedroom and the solace of my hi-fi player and that I sought to immerse myself in the only available extension of the movies available to me at the time -- soundtrack albums, both musical and dramatic!!!
I have to admit I was not averse to the western TV show -- Laramie, Wagon Train, Gunsmoke, Cheyenne, The Lawman, Bronco, and others of that ilk. Speaking of Guy Madison, Kerry, did you ever see him in "Wild Bill Hickock"? With Andy Devine as his sidekick "Jingles"? And his trademark line, "Hey! Wild Bill! Wait for me!"
I developed an appreciation for sports, eventually. On my terms. And country music -- again, on my terms.
As for the trivia question -- Hah! That first challenge could be several shows/stars. It's nailing the others down that pose the problems. I may make a guess.
And I may not.
But I shall cherish forever the opportunity to do so.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/04/2002 11:27 PM PST

Well, now, if we are including Western TV series, I must admit to loving:
Guy and Andy in "Wild Bill Hickock".("I should of stayed in East Sidalia!");
"Wyatt Earp"--so historically inacurate, but lots of fun;
"Cheyenne", my own particular introduction to the joy of watching men with their shirts off (Clint Walker) on television;
"Gunsmoke" starring The Thing and McCloud. Heck, I go back to the radio series with the marvelous gravelly voice of William Conrad, who didn't get the TV series, because he was too fat. But he got his revenge in later years.
"Have Gun, Will Travel". I don't know why this is never on TV Guide's lists of best shows. I think Richard Boone was an underappreciated genius. And his "Richard Boone Presents"! A regular cast doing repertory on television, playing totally different parts every week. What an idea! And the stars: Boone himself, Robert Blake (Let's not go there!), Lloyd Bochner, June Harding, Bethel Leslie, Harry Morgan, Jeanette Nolan, Warren Stevens, Guy Stockwell! Scripts by the likes of Clifford Odets and Horton Foote.
I loved it, and so of course it was canceled after the first season!
Oh, where was I? TV Westerns. "Maverick" made my young life worth living for several years and led the way to "The Rockford Files".
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/05/2002 04:02 AM PST

Nobody's mentioned "Treasure of the Sierra Madre"? Shocking.
I even liked "Trespass", the 1992 Black Urban remake, starring Ice T.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/05/2002 04:14 AM PST

I don't watch much tv and I don't like movies, so I can't add anything.
Posted by Laura @ 05/05/2002 06:16 AM PST

I forgot to mention the new Maverick. I know it's really terrible in some people's eyes, and probably not comparable to the original (which I've never caught), but I think it's fun and have seen it several times.
Posted by Lolita @ 05/05/2002 08:34 AM PST

And "Cat Balou"! What about "Cat Balou"?
I really liked "The Sheepman", where Glenn Ford moves into cattle country to raise sheep and ends up saving everyone from the evil villain, played by Bruce Kimmel's close personal friend Leslie Nielson. Shirley MacClaine was in it too. For those of you who don't know Glenn Ford, try to picture George Clooney, only with more than one facial expression.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/05/2002 09:01 AM PST

Two I forgot:
Annie Get Your Gun--but not the motion picture nor the Bernadette Peters revival
North by Northwest
Posted by freedunit @ 05/05/2002 11:20 AM PST

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