haines his way

05/06/2002:
"THE COOKIES THAT KNEW TOO MUCH"

Well, dear readers, can you believe it, I am still fighting being sick. This yechhhy feeling will not go away, it simply hovers and will abate. Perhaps today it will abate. Perhaps tomorrow. In the meantime, I shall have to have this yechhhy feeling and just hope it doesn’t turn into a blechhhy feeling. I hate that, I hate when yechhhy becomes blechhhy, don’t you?
Here is something interesting for those that like something interesting: On this, my handy-dandy laptop computer, there is something called a browser cache and said browser cache has a size limit, according to the handy-dandy aol systems utilities thing. That size limit is 65,505 KB. First of all, shouldn’t the size limit be 65,505 BK since it’s my computer. What are they, dyslexic at AOL? Well, no need to answer that, is there? Anyway, I would occasionally go into the “utilities” thing and clear the cache when it would get up past 40,000 KB or BK, because things would move faster when I did that. But of late I have noticed a heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) thing happening. My KB or BK has jumped into the millions. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, whilst my browser cache limit is still 65,505 KB/BK, the number above it rises well into the million KB/BK. How can that be and why? Or, conversely, why can that be and how? AOL, of course, has every answer under the sun and every solution, none of which have anything to do with the problem. AOL just loves to have you unload adapters and other things, but whatever they have you do doesn’t fix the problem at hand. Now, I don’t know that it is a problem, mind you, because everything still works, so maybe that million-plus KB/BK number is bogus. I just find it weird that it’s doing it now when it’s never done it before. Computer experts tell me it has something to do with cookies. They say my computer has cookies. Well, I have never seen a cookie on this computer and I certainly would have noticed a cookie, especially if it were an Oreo or a Nutter Butter or one of those pink and white Mother’s animal cookies. In any case, my computer expert friends say cookies are the culprit, but I was under the impression that one must have cookies so that when you log onto amazon.com you can see “Hello, Bruce, we have new things for you”. Well, that’s what I see – I hope you see your very own name and not mine. If you see mine, then you have to “click here” according to amazon. I don’t really know what happens if you “click here” but I believe you are taken to a dungeon and flogged mercilessly, like Judge Turpin, and you are made to stand in the corner and sing songs from Phantom of the Opera in Latvian. Where was I? Oh, yes, cookies. Well, presumably I’ve always had cookies, but this million KB/BK thing has only been happening for the last eight weeks or so. I tell you it is unseemly to have over a million KB/BK when your limit is 65,505 KB/BK. Computers – I tell you.
All this talk of cookies has made me desirous of one. And yet, I have no cookies in my very own home, so my desire will have to remain a streetcar, or my desire will have to cool it under the elms.
Yesterday, I caught up on some DVD watching (Sunday being a good day to do such things). I watched my second Cliff Richard musical, Summer Holiday, which was enjoyable but not nearly as good as The Young Ones, even though it was a bigger hit. However, as I watched it I couldn’t help thinking that Mr. Jacques Demy must have been a big fan of both these movies. See them and you will know why immediately. Summer Holiday especially has many costumes and color designs and choreography (again by Herbert Ross) that will instantly transport you to Rochefort. Most interestingly, the leading lady of Summer Holiday is Lauri Walters, who was the original Broadway Liesl in The Sound of Music. She’s cute as a button, our Lauri is.
I then watched the brand spanking new DVD of Walt Disney’s The Parent Trap, starring Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills. However, before I discuss it I’m afraid we must all do that tiresome thing we must do – we must all click on that Unseemly Button below because, well, we must, according to the powers that be. One cannot defy the powers that be because the powers that be will then bitch-slap each and every last one of us and we can’t have that, so let us click away and be done with it.

So, I watched the brand spanking new Special Edition DVD of The Parent Trap. What a wonderful film. I first saw it at the Vogue Theater in 1961. I saw it six times in one week. Why did I do such a thing? Four words: Hayley Mills Hayley Mills. Oh, how I loved Hayley Mills. Oh, what a crush I had on Hayley Mills. I couldn’t get enough of the film or both Hayleys. I wanted to see it many more times, but my parents had decreed I was to go to camp that summer (sleep-away camp, which I’d never done and didn’t have any interest in doing). I was so upset about not seeing my Hayley, that I took two hundred dollars from my father’s pants-pocket (my father always carried scads of money in his pants pocket) whilst he was sleeping, and I went to the May Company and bought a small portable reel-to-reel tape recorder (battery operated), and I took that small reel-to-reel tape recorder (no cassettes in those days) into the Vogue Theater and I recorded all the songs from the film so I’d have them with me at summer camp.
I’m happy to report that The Parent Trap DVD is aces – great transfer and chockfull of extras, including a nice but too short documentary, which features Hayley, a still-amazing looking Maureen O’Hara, and the writer/director, David Swift. Maureen, in fact, looks younger than Hayley, which I don’t quite understand, although it would lead one to believe that one of them has had a little work (if you get my drift) done. There is also a love-fest commentary track from Hayley and Mr. Swift. It’s all perfectly lovely and a must-have. Now, here’s a brain-teaser trivia question for a Monday – and if someone guesses correctly, I will award a sparkling prize: A fairly well-known musical theater actress plays (sans credit, for some reason), one of Sharon’s friends at camp, Betsy. Her voice, at least to me, is instantly recognizable, and once you recognize the voice the face instantly follows. Who is she?
Speaking of trivia, since there has been some fine trivia questions posted to the site in the last week, may I make this suggestion (I already did, but you may have missed it, and I’ll get to that in a moment): Send me any trivia questions you think are good enough for our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest, and we will have guest quizzes, and if your question is chosen, I will send you a sparkling prize. Also, speaking of trivia, I am shocked that we have only had two guesses this week – to a fairly simple question, in my humble opinion. Now, what was with this weekend, dear readers? Where did all of you go? We were so lonesome here at haineshisway.com, although, looking at the stats, I see that traffic was, in fact, quite healthy. So, people were here, but not posting. If you did miss the weekend’s notes, do use the Unseemly Archive Button and catch up, because they are chockfull of useless information.
Dear reader Laura asked everyone here to send our best vibes to dear reader Megan, who is going through some difficult things. So, let us all send Megan our best vibes. Not only should we send her our best vibes, but we should send her our best marimbas, too. Having been through some difficult times myself (certain people who do love to come and read these here notes will know exactly whatof I speak), I can only tell you that you should keep your chin up, spirits high and just don’t let anyone or anything get you down. I know that sounds as corny as Kansas in August, and I know it’s not always easy to do, but being positive works, and being positive always annoys those who would try to inject negativity into our lives, so the more positive the better. In the meantime, we all send Megan our best vibes and marimbas, and even a cookie.
I am still feeling yechhhy, but not as yechhhy as I was a half-hour ago. That gives me hope that the yechhhy feeling will not turn into a blechhhy feeling. However, if it does, I shall remain positive in the face of said blechhhyness and I will eat a cookie, not to mention a cheese slice and ham chunk.
You have until midnight tonight to tender your guesses, so please do so, even if they are totally wrong you can say you played the game. Today’s topic of discussion, by the way, will not be westerns. No, today’s topic of discussion will be ripped directly from the pages of these here notes, to wit: Who was your very first screen crush, actor or actress. I’ll start: In order to find out my very first screen crush you will have to read my book – but I’ll tell you who my second screen crush was – it was our very own Susan Gordon, that’s who it was. My third and fourth screen crush was, of course, Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills, and my fifth screen crush was Miss Yvette Mimieux. Your turn.

Replies: 37 Unseemly Comments

Lauri Walters? Don't you mean Lauri Peters?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/06/2002 09:35 AM PST

Bitchslapped *banned* in Canada!
According to the CRTC (the Canadian communications regulator), it is absolutely verboten to use the phrase bitch-slapped on any form of Canadian media, as it "indirectly condones violence against women".
When I heard the news, I thought I'd have to tell you that you'd be a rebel in Canada!
Posted by Paul Fairie @ 05/06/2002 10:07 AM PST

Well, Paul, since Bruce may soon be charged with International Internet Crimes, I think now is the time to form the Free Bruce Kimmel Committee. We can spam "FREE BRUCE KIMMEL" all around the world, and occasionally "FREE TRACEY TURNBLATT", of course.
Film star crushes soon to follow.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/06/2002 10:22 AM PST

Answer to mini-trivia: Kay Cole (A Chorus Line).
First crush: Shirley MacLaine "Sweet Charity." Despite her singing. :)
Posted by JMK @ 05/06/2002 10:30 AM PST

Just a quick question, Bruce. Are you in one of the clips on tomorrow's Laverne and Shirley reunion special? It would be the one incentive to watch (other than Betty Garrett) and almost worth sitting through Lenny and Squiggy for.
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 05/06/2002 11:03 AM PST

Sorry you are feeling yechhhy BK. The Jewish mother in me says that you need to make a chicken soup and eat it. Promptly thereafter, the Italian mother in me and the Irish mother in me proceeded to kick the Jewish mother's ass. All the while, the Indian mother in me stood off to the side wondering if she should get involved. What the hell am I talking about?
I didn't get to wish Megan good luck over the weekend so here is good vibes aplenty. "Good Vibe Aplenty" is also a great name for a 60's jazz combo. I must work on that. Anyway, good luck Megan and good vibes your way. Hope things work out for you.
My first celebrity crush was Drew Barrymore in ET. She was just so darn cute.
Posted by Mattso @ 05/06/2002 11:10 AM PST

Of course Lauri Peters not Lauri Walters - Laurie Walters is someone wholly other, and since one of our dear readers had a crush on Betsy Slade they will be glad to know that Laurie Walters is now married to Betsy Slade's ex-husband. Whew!
JMK is the first to guess Kay Cole as Hayley's camp-mate, so he gets a sparkling prize.
Finally, unless something has changed, I do believe I AM in a clip on tomorrow night's Laverne and Shirley special.
Posted by bk @ 05/06/2002 11:21 AM PST

First screen crush...
That's easy. Much easier than thinking of a Western.
Who was it? Why Gene Kelly as Don Lockwood! Oh, that smile!
Regarding Paul Fairie's news, don't blame Canada!
Bitch-slap Canada! [Just for fun, of course, parce que j'aime bien les canadiens.]
Shirley MacLaine sang in Sweet Charity? Really?
Posted by freedunit @ 05/06/2002 11:21 AM PST

All right. No one laugh. Woody Allen in Annie Hall.
Posted by Lolita @ 05/06/2002 11:50 AM PST

Would you believe Russ Tamblyn in Tom Thumb? Course you would.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/06/2002 12:01 PM PST

Dear BK: I seriously doubt you really want to have 65,505 BK on your cache, since in this case the K stands for Kilos. Lordy, if you were carrying 65,505 Kilos on your cache, you would look like Jabba the Hutt, and we wouldn't want that, now would we? Your blech cold sounds heavy enough.
My first screen crush? Well, it may seem bizarre, but my first crush was on Johnny's Guardian Angel, the bewhiskered and capped fellow from Disney's "Johnny Appleseed." Yes, I know he's an animated character, and yes, he was voiced by Dennis Day, which totally contradicts my penchant for low-voiced foghorns, but such is the truth. The short is included on the DVD "American Legends," I believe. Have to go now, I'm palpitating!
Posted by S. Woody White @ 05/06/2002 01:35 PM PST

Leave it to Canada to take a perfectly good adjective like "bitch" which modifies an action "slap" -- meaning to slap "like" a bitch -- and change it into something ugly. Do they talk like that? When someone hits a woman, does he say "I woman hit!"? I think not.
Canada needs a humongous bitch slap over this matter.
Must be something in the water.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/06/2002 01:38 PM PST

Actually Ron, I hate to disagree with you, but I have always known "bitch-slap" to mean "to hit
someone as a pimp would his a prostitute".
It is still appropriate to bitch-slap Canada over this matter, as there are many worse slang words to get upset about.
Of course, Canada might just decide to bitch-slap me right back. What we have here is a clear case of the kettle calling the teapot his bitch.
Posted by Mattso @ 05/06/2002 02:29 PM PST

Must say that Yvette in "Time Machine" was a good start for a lad. To be really honest though mine was John Kerr in South Pacific. I uses to say
Annette Funicello but truth be known I was probably more keen on Tim Considine and Tommy Kirk. And how could anyone not fall for Russ Tamblyn?
Back to "The Time Machine". Caught up with the new version last week and enjoyed it. I was expecting less. They did not do too much to wreck it with effects but I did miss Yvette & Rod. Nice touch to use Alan Young in the show.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 05/06/2002 02:47 PM PST

Jude Law. The Talented Mr. Ripley. Pant, Pant.
Posted by Hapgood @ 05/06/2002 03:01 PM PST

ROTFLMAOWPIMP @ Lolita.
Wondering what kind of cookies bk's computer would like... A cookie that goes with chips, I suppose...
Posted by freedunit @ 05/06/2002 04:21 PM PST

I hope everyone enjoys the new radio show as we listen to extensive excerpts from Barbara Cook Sings Mostly Sondheim, Bea Arthur Just Between Friends, and Elaine Stritch At Liberty.....it's a great opportunity to sample these CDs before you purchase them!
Posted by Donald @ 05/06/2002 04:29 PM PST

Michael J. Fox.
First, last, always...
Posted by Stacie @ 05/06/2002 05:22 PM PST

Would it be unseemly to observe that two pants seem to have fallen after Jude Law and the talented Mr. Ripley were mentioned?
Jude Law seems to qualify as the most recent of crushes.
Lolita, darling, you do know I laugh with you, I hope.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/06/2002 05:51 PM PST

Donald,
Indeed, I've been listening to it at work this afternoon, and I do thank you.
Now back to Russ Tamblyn: that beautiful curly red hair! And now he has white hair and beard. But then again I used to have beautiful red hair, and now I have white hair and beard. Is it destiny?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/06/2002 06:12 PM PST

William-what would your Joe ever think?
Posted by Hapgood @ 05/06/2002 06:50 PM PST

Hapgood,
He likes redheads. He'd better!
8-)>
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/06/2002 07:01 PM PST

First screen crush (as in big screen, right? Little screen would be far different).
Tony Perkins (I had just seen "Tall Story" and thought he was cute, boyish and hesitant-- and those satin basketball shorts!) and yes, Kim Novak (and I STILL like Kim Novak)!
Shortly after that I added Tony Curtis to the list-- I forget the movie. Then I just seemed to discover so many... yes, Russ Tamblyn among them ("The Wonderful World of the Brothers Grimm"). I could always pick out George Chakiris as one of the dancers in the chorus before "West Side Story."
I'm not sure if it was big screen or little screen, but Richard Chamberlain played a most important part of my growing up.
And for awhile after seeing, "Music Man," Robert Preston. Everyone else at that time was going for Peter O'Toole in "Lawrence Of Arabia," but I knew talent when I saw it.
Oh, there are so many more, but I'll stop here.
How wonderful to think of all this again (not that I ever quite forget).
Posted by kerry @ 05/06/2002 07:04 PM PST

Thank you for the good vibes going to Megan. I printed out the notes and we'll take it to her tomorrow when we go to say goodbye. :-(
Oy vey. My grandparents are here. They did NOT like the ham chunks and cheese slices, nor would they dance the Hora. And they looked askance at me when I counted the kitchen. My grandpa's not quite as odd as Benjamin Kritzer's, but he's a very close second. I think that would make a great topic for tomorrow, BK. Odd grandfathers.
Posted by Sandra @ 05/06/2002 07:25 PM PST

Speaking of Kim Novak...
She used to baby-sit for my father.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/06/2002 07:34 PM PST

Freedunit-- really? Tell me more!
Posted by Kerry @ 05/06/2002 08:06 PM PST

Regarding COOKIES.. I have to say that whoever coined that phrase (and why is it coined and not billed) was ill at best. NO one leaves cookies behind - on a counter or on a computer - that's just W-R-O-N-G like western wrong! I can understand naming them crumbs..but full cookies? Heinous I tell you!
Who's with me?
Posted by Craig @ 05/06/2002 08:29 PM PST

ANN-MARGRET!
"Isn't it kinda fun?" did it for me!
Then came that treadmill in BYE, BYE BIRDIE.
Then MADE IN PARIS with Chad Everett.
Or was it THE PLEASURE SEEKERS?
Well, then TOMMY came along, and my heart went out to Roger Daltry.
Fickle, ain't I?
Posted by td @ 05/06/2002 09:10 PM PST

Craig, I could not agree with you more, at least as far as really good chocolate-chip cookies are concerned.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/06/2002 10:22 PM PST

Oh dear. It appears that the CRTC ought to be bitch-slapped. Not that that's news. Of course, now I've said that out loud I'll probably get deported...
Posted by Stephen Farrow @ 05/06/2002 10:30 PM PST

By the way...
Luv The Parent Trap! A favorite Disney live-action pic. Always looked forward to seeing it on TV.
Kerry, I wish I could tell you more, but you will have to purchase the memoirs...
Posted by freedunit @ 05/06/2002 10:41 PM PST

Actually, my crushes range from Dolores Hart (everybody else was falling for Yvette Mimieux in "Where the Boys Are" but not me) to Race Bannon from "Jonny Quest." So, S. Woody White's confession of a crush on an animated character is not the only one.
Posted by kerry @ 05/07/2002 06:48 AM PST

Irony of ironies, BK. Laurie Walters was my favorite daughter on Eight Is Enough (although in later reruns I switched my allegiance to the late Lani O'Grady). Mr. Slade-Walters-Whatever obviously has good taste.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 05/07/2002 07:49 AM PST

Another interesting irony. Older sister Lani O'Grady was actually seven years younger than little sister Laurie Walters. Ah, the magic of television.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 05/07/2002 07:53 AM PST

Re: Radio show -- chance to preview Cook sings Mostly Sondheim, Bea Arthur, Elaine Stritch before buying them....TOO LATE! TOO LATE!
>
I'm with you until "..with _ in my __" or, did you mean "while peeing in my pants"?????
I mean, I could imagine "with pudding in my piehole", but that's not the norm, is it...!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/07/2002 09:37 AM PST

Re the strange comment at the end of my previous post....I had copied and pasted a comment by Lolita -- ROTFLMAOWPIMP. We apparently cannot copy stuff and have it survive the "post" phase of our responses...all I got was that silly > in place of the copied portion of Lolita's post.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/07/2002 09:40 AM PST

As for Elaine Stritch: At Liberty…
Miss her at your peril! Stritch performs on Broadway only through Sunday 26 May 2002. Buy the 2CD album when you can, but do yourself a favor: buy tickets now. [Click here to be redirected for tickets.]
Ron Pulliam, ROTFLMAOWPIMP (pronounced “ROTflMAOw-PIMP”) is the figurative expression, “rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off, while peeing in my pants.”
When copying and pasting HTML text (such as the exhibited comments or “posts”), sometimes formatting code (e.g. “” or “” et cetera) that might have been copied inadvertently must be deleted for the desired text to be displayed. Those little ’s are unseemly, aren’t they?
Posted by freedunit @ 05/07/2002 12:45 PM PST

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