haines his way

05/07/2002:
"HELL TO PAY"

Well, dear readers, it is Tuesday. Now there is a sentence. Factual, to the point and filled with information. I feel that Tuesday is rapidly becoming the day in which I have nothing whatsoever to write about. Tuesday is the day when these here notes go all over the map. For example, today these here notes will be going to the south of France and the north of Greece and perhaps even to Krakatoa, East of Java (or is it west of Java) – maybe we should all just crack our toes whilst drinking java. Mr. Mark Bakalor and I once tried to do a live chat but I could not do it because I was not Java-enabled. However, I am now east and west Java-enabled so why don’t we all do a live chat some fine evening. Isn’t that a wonderful idea? Isn’t that just too too? I believe I shall have to speak to the Grand Poobah and see if it’s possible. I love being Java-enabled and I love that these here notes are going all over the map. I once was in a chat room and I got into an interesting conversation with a young lady and a young man. The young lady invited both of us men to a private chat room called The Spa. Just the three of us all alone in a private chat room. I must tell you it got a little steamy in the spa. The young lady and the young man started typing the most randy and erotic things. Never one to not join in, I immediately typed the lyrics to The Miller’s Son. This seemed to put a damper on things for some reason. This seemed to make the steamy conversation turn flaccid. They asked me to leave The Spa, so they could get on with their randy business. They thought I was a coprophiliac’s least favorite party guest, a party-pooper. I argued that I felt that The Miller’s Son was one of Stephen Sondheim's best lyrics, but they weren’t having any of it. I was crushed, dear readers, and I haven’t been back to a chat room since.
Wasn’t that a fine story? Did you know that I totally forgot to mention that we had a brand spanking new The Broadway Radio Show up and running? It’s a good one, too, featuring songs from this season’s one-person shows, including those of Bea Arthur and Elaine Stritch. So, do give a listen. Also, tune in to the Laverne and Shirley Special tonight at eight o’clock, because unless something has changed, I believe I’m featured in a clip.
Did you know that April was our biggest month here at haineshisway.com? We had more traffic in April than any other month heretofore. Our previous biggest month had been December, but April topped it. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Now, we must continue our upward trajectory – tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the man in the street, tell the man of La Mancha, tell everyone to come here and have fun. But only if they are fun people. We don’t want any deadbeats or cretins like they have on other sites where posting is allowed. We don’t want any unseemly types around here. We want people who know how to appreciate a cheese slice and a ham chunk, people who can dance the Hora and who aren’t afraid to wear colored tights and pantaloons and pointy party hats. We don’t want any uncouth interlopers around here, let me tell you that. Why if we catch any uncouth interlopers around here there will be hell to pay, and hell is expensive, hell does not come cheaply. Hell charges top dollar, but we will pay hell if any uncouth interlopers show their ugly mugs around these parts. What the hell am I talking about? Do I have to pay hell a royalty if I keep mentioning it?
Has anyone noticed that Tuesday is the day in which I have nothing whatsoever to say? Has anyone noticed that Tuesday is the day these notes are all over the map? Well, perhaps we’d better all click on that Unseemly Button below, because if we don’t there surely will be hell to pay and I, for one or two, have grown weary of paying hell. The hell with hell. Quick, the click.

If only those two randy people hadn’t ousted me from The Spa – I feel I could have contributed greatly. I could have told the story of The Randy Vicar and the Carpet Cleaner. Oh, well, their loss. Not that I’m dwelling on it. Why should I dwell on “it” when “it” has never dwelled on me?
I’m really finding it difficult to think of things to write about. That must mean it’s Tuesday, and if it’s Tuesday it must be Belgium, because Tuesday is all over the map day. What other daily blog or log would have already taken you to the south of France, to the north of Grease, the Musical, and to Krakatoa, East and West of Java-enabled? No other daily blog or log, that’s what other daily blog or log. I feel we have carved out a unique niche for ourselves here at haineshisway.com. I don’t know what that niche is exactly, but we’ve carved it nonetheless. Did you know that you get three words for the price of one in “nonetheless”? “Nonetheless” is a total bargain, word-wise. I feel as if I’m grasping at straws, dear readers. Have you ever grasped at straws? It is a lot of fun and I feel we should all try it right this very minute. Okay, everyone, go get a bunch of straws. I’ll wait.
Okay, everyone, do you have your straws? Excellent. Except little Lolita – I see little Lolita doesn’t have her straws and is trying to pull the wool over our collective eyes. Now, go get your straws, little Lolita, and stop trying to pull the wool (or even the silk or nylon) over our collective eyes or even our collective “I”s.
Okay then, now that we all have our straws, let’s grasp at them on the count of three: One, two, three. Wasn’t that fun? Wasn’t that cool, man? That was like having a rocket in our pocket, totally coolly cool boy. I mean, we had a group grasp there, didn’t we? We are just so cool here at haineshisway.com. We always go, man, go, but not like a yo-yo, school boy – we play it cool, boy, real cool. Did you ever hear Meltz and Ernest’s great 50s rock and roll song, The Duke of Cool? It’s totally cool, it’s beyond cool, it’s cooliscious. Here it is.
THE DUKE OF COOL Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest
I’m the Duke of Cool
You’re the Queen of Hip.
The two of us together,
Baby we’re a trip.
The other kids we know
Man, they’re strictly square
If there’s something happ’ning
They are never there
Yeah, they’re the Kings of Bore
Yeah, they’re the Earls of Yawn
They really make me snore
I wish that they’d get gone
Baby, we’re so cool,
Coolest in our school
‘Cause you’re the Queen of Hip
And I’m the Duke of Cool.
The Duke, Duke of Cool
Yeah, you’re the Queen of Hip
And I’m the Duke of Cool
(repeat and fade)
Isn’t that a classic? It did have a recording – a quite rare 45rpm record by Lou Fez and the Hats. I have it, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Speaking of hats, don’t forget to put on your thinking caps, because tomorrow is Ask BK Day. I’m even going to put on my thinking cap (it’s quite nice – a Carnaby Street cap) and think of questions to ask myself. Now, I want you all to come up with really good questions, and I stand at the ready to answer them in a forthright and fifthleft way. I shall hold nothing back nor shall I hold nothing forth.
We had two High Winners (and only four players total) in our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest. Here was the question:
One hit musical had a cast that spawned a major television star, a successful television writer/producer, and a major Broadway and television choreographer. Name the musical, the major television star, the successful television writer/producer, and the major Broadway and television choreographer.
Tie breaker: One year earlier there was another hit musical that opened and had a cast that spawned a major television star and a successful television writer/producer. Name the musical, the television star and the television writer/producer. Clue: The two musicals definitely have one thing in common.
Steve Gurey and Mark Rothman both got the answer to both questions correct. I really did try to make this an easier question and there were even answers where you could have put mulitple people. Here are said answers:
The musical: Bells Are Ringing. The major television star: Jean Stapleton (I would have accepted Hal Linden, too). The successful television writer/producer: Bernie West (Dr. Kitchell - who went on to do Three's Company). The major Broadway and television choreographer: Peter Gennaro.
Tie breaker - The musical: Damn Yankees! The major television star: Jean Stapleton (I would have accepted Ray Walston, too). The successful television writer/producer: Jimmy Komack (Chico and the Man, etc.). Thing in common: Jean Stapleton.
I put our two High Winners names into one electronic hat and the electronic hat chose Mr. Mark Rothman, who will receive another sparkling prize.
Well, dear readers, these notes certainly have been all over the map and I hope you’ve enjoyed the geography of it all. But it is time for me to take the day, to do the things I do, because if I don’t there might just be hell to pay. Today's topic of discussion: Who is your favorite comedian or comedienne, the one who makes you laugh no matter what? I'll start: Jack Benny. End of story, comedian-wise. In my opinion, simply the funniest man who ever lived. I cannot even look at him without laughing out loud. His timing, his character, his looks - there has never been anyone like him and there never will be. It wasn't about "jokes" with Mr. Benny, it was about his character and his reactions to things around him. And what great second bananas he had - Don Wilson, Rochester and Dennis Day. Brilliant. As to my favorite comedienne - well, Lucy of course, but also Eve Arden, who I thought quite witty and droll. Of a strictly joke-oriented comedienne, I find Rita Rudner amusing. Of a joke-oriented comedian, I like Mal Z. Lawrence and Jackie Mason. Your turn.

Replies: 28 Unseemly Comments

Well one thing you could have talked about in today's notes is the answers/winner of this weekend's trivia contest.
Posted by steveg @ 05/07/2002 10:21 AM PST

What happened to the Trivia Contest Winners???. It is Tuesday and no report.Tsk...tsk..As far as comedians... Ernie Kovacs was a genius and well ahead of his time.I don't agree with you bk on Jack Benny.It had to do with his writers. I feel the same way with Bob Hope. He needed a script. Red skelton was terrific and so was Sid Caesar.. Woody Allen also..he thinks funny. End of post.
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 05/07/2002 10:28 AM PST

As you were both querying where the trivia contest answer was, I was furiously typing and adding it to the notes. So, scroll up and it's there now. Whew!
Posted by bk @ 05/07/2002 10:32 AM PST

Now, see here. I do not EVER pull wool over people's eyes. I am a strict cotton-puller and I want all of you to know that. I am against wool-pulling under any circumstances. Wool is itchy and gross.
I've always meant to find some Jack Benny recordings, but I haven't yet, so I can't even comment on Jack Benny. I do love Bob Newhart even though he's pretty much the same everywhere. And of course, Bob Hope. Also, Mel Brooks, Marty Feldman always makes me laugh, Johnny Carson, Lucy, Gilda Radner, and tons of others ... But my favorite is Martin Short. I would pay to see him read the phone book, as they say.
Posted by Lolita @ 05/07/2002 10:47 AM PST

You forgot the other thing in common with Bells Are Ringing and Damn Yankees: Bob Fosse.
Posted by steveg @ 05/07/2002 10:47 AM PST

Hi Bruce!
Anticpating that the Donna McKechnie CD would be the last of your FA releases, I bought a copy. Unfortunately, the only redeeming feature was getting Ms. McK's autograph. Accoridng to the liner notes, the powers-that-be re-recorded her show in March 2002, and then did everything wrong in mastering it for release - poor mixes, not enough between song patter to connect the songs, etc.
Did they scrap all your work from late 2001? I can't imagine you had anything to do with this turkey.
And for trivia - how about your favorite pop (ie, non-Broadway) vocalist covering Broadway show tunes?
Posted by Phil @ 05/07/2002 10:52 AM PST

Steven Wright and Ellen DeGeneres never fail to slay me with their stand up routines. Did anyone see Ellen on Rosie when Ellen was talking about adopting a child? She then went into one hilarious riff after another about having read Hillary's book and then realizing she would need to find a village in order to raise a kid. All she could find was an "enclave," as she put it, and a nomadic one at that, which necessitated her looking for them every night when she came home from work. Wright's non sequiturs are unequalled, IMHO.
Posted by JMK @ 05/07/2002 11:01 AM PST

If satan had a hairpiece, he would really have hell toupee.
WC Fields always makes me laugh. I love the off-color remarks he makes while walking away from the camera. I love The Marx brothers too. The last time I watched Animal Crackers I cried with laughter.
For straight stand-up my favorite is Emo Philips. He was so funny and surreal.
Posted by Mattso @ 05/07/2002 11:27 AM PST

To Phil: Just to keep the record straight (I dislike crooked records, don't you?) - No, I had nothing to do with the rerecording of Miss Donna McKechnie's album. A simple reading of the credits will tell you all you need to know.
To JMK: I disagree with your disagreement re Jack Benny. To me, it didn't matter who wrote for him - whether it was his usual crop of writers, or whether he was on someone else's show or whether he was a guest on a talk show - I just found and find him the funniest man ever. In fact, my least favorite Benny shows are the plot-oriented ones and my favorites are the ones where he just plays off the guest stars. I have one such show in 16mm, with Julie London, which is one of the single funniest things I have ever seen - especially when he notices the big diamond ring on her hand and attempts to insert her entire hand into his mouth.
Posted by bk @ 05/07/2002 12:33 PM PST

Bruce,
I,too loved Jack Benny, but in mentioning his second bananas, you left out the best one, and for me, the first banana of all time----
Phil Harris.
There are audiotapes around(I have many of them)of the Phil Harris-Alice Faye radio show. They are a must for anyone who appreciates comedy that is well-done.
It had GREAT writing, and his timing was unmatched, even by Benny.
Posted by mark rothman @ 05/07/2002 12:38 PM PST

When I was living in Canada I had the opportunity to observe the taping of a tv variety show that had many comedians as guest stars.
Henny Youngman (who I had to the chance to work with), Rip Taylor, Charlie Callas, Morey Amsterdam, Steve Landesberg, Ruth Buzzi, Murray Langston (The Unknown Comic) and Phyllis Diller among many others. It is Phyllis Diller that I have my story about.
They were taping a sketch where she played the head of MGM (That's Mother Goose Movies) I was sitting on a stool behind the switcher (TV parlance) Stan Jacobson the director (He did many Bob Hope Specials and I do have a Bob Hope story as well)
Stan asks Phyllis if she had a joke. Well innocent little me was expecting a "Fang" type joke. (I only saw her on tv) and the punch line was soooooo dirty that I literaly fell off the stool I was sitting on.
I will give the straight line here, but WILL NOT post the punch line as it might offend some people. If you want to know the punch line please email me.
But before I do. One more sidelight: When we went out for dinner later I asked her about the joke. I didn't expect to her such a "blue" one. She told me that's how she really got her start in the nightclubs in NYC.(She had to be blue to get attention.) She told me she had to share the dressing room with this weird singer and wonder what ever happened to her. Her name? Barbra Streisand
Okay now the straight line:
What is black and hairy and sits on a wall?
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/07/2002 02:15 PM PST

Jack Benny and George Burns both had such excellent delivery and timing. Rowen Atkinson and Lili Tomlin are both enjoyable and I still laugh at Bill Dana's "Jose Jiminez". Does Fozzie Bear make the grade with anyone else?
Posted by Tom Guest (from OZ) @ 05/07/2002 02:30 PM PST

May I humbly ask, what disagreement about Jack Benny? I believe you mean dear reader Arnold M. Brockman.
Posted by JMK @ 05/07/2002 04:52 PM PST

I have to say Eddie Izzard, hands down. The man is just freakin' hilarious!!! Also, a lot of George Carlin, Bill Cosby, and Steve Martin stuff.
Posted by Jed @ 05/07/2002 06:32 PM PST

You're right, JMK, it was Arnold M. Brockman's disagreement I was humbly disagreeing with. I do hope everyone is formulating some sparkling questions for me.
Posted by bk @ 05/07/2002 07:03 PM PST

Don't forget that before Bernie West did "Three's Company," he and his writing partner Michael Ross were writer/producers for the first five seasons of "All In the Family." Most of the best episodes of AITF have Mr. West's name on them (for example, I just saw the unbelievably hilarious "The Bunkers and the Swingers" the other day, and that's one of Mr. West's).
Posted by Jaime J. Weinman @ 05/07/2002 07:10 PM PST

Hi Everybody!
I've been away working on finishing up the Cabaret West Calendar for May, so I haven't been posting (click on my name below and it'll take you to the May Calendar page. Amanda Abel, Eddie Cantor's granddaughter, is in our Spotlight section this month). I HAVE been reading your missives, however, and am ready now to catch up with all of you. So here, in reverse order, are some of my contributions:
1. COMEDIANS/COMEDIENNES - I'll concentrate on the distaff side: Lucille Ball, Carol Burnett, Martha Raye, Imogene Coca, Gracie Allen, Judy Holliday, Madeline Kahn and, standup comedienne, Margaret Smith.
2. SCREEN CRUSHES - Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly, Cary Grant, Gregory Peck, James Stewart and George Clooney.
3. WESTERNS - I didn't realize until I did some research just how many westerns I've seen and liked...The Big Country, The Yearling, The Searchers, Shane, The Shootist, and The Unforgiven (not the Eastwood "Unforgiven" but the film with Burt Lancaster, Lillian Gish and Audrey Hepburn). Then there's Calamity Jane, Oklahoma, The Harvey Girls, The Ruggles of Red Gap and Destry Rides Again.
4. 50s & 60s POP SINGERS: Frank Sinatra, early Streisand, Doris Day (especially all her recordings of standards). Peggy Lee - "Lover" and loved her The Lady and the Tramp score. Gogi Grant - Her singing for The Helen Morgan Story. Even liked "The Wayward Wind" (an example of someone better than her material). I once heard a studio recording by her of "As Long As He Needs Me" that, to my knowledge, has never been released. Wow! After a long absence to raise a family, she's singing again. If you ever have the opportunity to see her in person - run, don't walk!
5. ROCK 'N' ROLL FAVORITES: I grew up on the standards, so although my formative years were in the rock 'n' roll era, I did not succumb. However, as I think about it...I preferred EARLY rock 'n' roll because it had a sense of humor (thanks to songwriters Jerry Leiber & Mike Stoller). Everyone, it seems to me, was having a good time. Rock today, in MY opinion, is too loud, too angry, too grim, as well as too sappy (you figure it out)--and totally lacking in songwriting craft. It turns me and I turn it - OFF! (Pardon me for getting on my soapbox. Just had to get it off my chest). Although I thought Elvis was full of himself, I liked the "liquidy" way he sang. Liked the Everly Brothers "Wake Up Little Susie," and some of Jerry Lee Lewis.
NOTES TO BK and OTHERS:
Sunday thru Monday in the L.A. area, you can listen to old radio shows on KNX 1070-AM. The Jack Benny Show airs on Saturdays at 9 p.m. followed by the Red Skelton Show at 9:30 p.m. The shows repeat at 2 and 2:30 a.m. The program schedule is on the radio's website at http://www.knx1070.com/program/drama.html.
COOKIE RECIPES on the Web:
http://www.cookierecipe.com/default.asp
http://www.geocities.com/cookie_recipes/
http://www.simply-recipes.com/cookie_recipes.htm
Posted by Donna - Cabaret West @ 05/07/2002 07:57 PM PST

The link for KNX1070 in my message below is correct - except you must eliminate the period after html. This is it -
http://www.knx1070.com/program/drama.html
Posted by Donna - Cabaret West @ 05/07/2002 08:09 PM PST

I can't believe I forgot Madeline Kahn and Judy Holliday! Two of my all time favorites.
Posted by Lolita @ 05/07/2002 08:14 PM PST

I cannot pick just one comedian/-ienne, but if I had to do so, I guess it would be the late, brilliant Gilda Radner;
But then I remember Carol Burnett in The Carol Burnett Show, the televised Once Upon a Mattress, Robert Altman’s A Wedding, on Broadway in Ken Ludwig’s Moon Over Buffalo and on film in D.A. Pennebaker’s Moon Over Broadway;
And Lucille Ball as Lucy Ricardo;
And Judy Holliday as Billie Dawn and Gladys Glover;
And Jean Hagen as Lina Lamont;
And Madeline Kahn as the Eunice Burns and young Frankenstein’s Elizabeth;
And Barbra Streisand as Daisy Gamble and Judy Maxwell—and even Cheryl Gibbons.
As for the men, Steve Martin, George Carlin, Robin Williams, Charlie Chaplin.
Who is this Jack that everyone disagrees about disagreeing about? [Don’t E-mail. That was a Benny ha-ha.]
Posted by freedunit @ 05/07/2002 08:46 PM PST

Michael Shayne, what is the punch line?
This is not Mrs. Fields, but it is a recipe for real cookies.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/07/2002 08:52 PM PST

I've always loved Carol Burnett.
Please send good travel vibes my way. I am fortunate enough to be able to accompany Dear Reader Megan to her new group home tommorrow. I'll be home sometime on Thursday.
BK, Megan sends her thanks for the encouraging words you gave her and the kind words from the other posters.
Posted by Laura @ 05/07/2002 10:31 PM PST

Oh -- and since I'll be out of town on Ask BK Anything Day, I'll post my question now.
Where does the phrase "Get my goat" come from?? As you can probably tell, I've been dealing with imcompetent professionals today. (Actually, the CPS worker has been wonderful -- it's everyone else who has me upset.)
Posted by Laura @ 05/07/2002 10:56 PM PST

Bruce,
I never was much of a fan of the Ampersand Shows--Laverne & Shirley, Mork & Mindy, News & Weather, etc.
However, I just watched the tape I made last night of the L&V retrospective. Did I blink and miss you? Please let us know where you were so I can go through it frame by frame.
I actually tried that with Six Degrees of Separation to see a neighbor kid who was and extra and swears he walked by Will Smith on the sidewalk, but I never could find him in the crowd.
Not that I would call you an extra, of course. So where were you?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/08/2002 03:27 AM PST

WFO, sorry you missed the neighbor kid in Six Degrees of Separation. Did you catch me in Nuts?
Oh, great. I think there has been a return to the right. Why always wrongly to the right and never the left?
Posted by freedunit @ 05/08/2002 04:44 AM PST

Of the classic comedians: Jack Benny and George Burns, with all four Marx Brothers, WC Fields and Mae West following close behind.
Of today's crop: Cosby tops them all, but following closely are Robin Williams, Tom Hanks and Tim Allen.
And special mention to Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett, who somehow seem to fall between those two categories.
Posted by Phil Crosby @ 05/08/2002 06:58 AM PST

It's quite easy for me to pick a single favourite comedian - it would have to be the incomparable Victoria Wood. "The Ballad of Barry and Freda" might just be the funniest song ever written, and her soap opera parody 'Acorn Antiques' still, 15 years after I first saw it, makes me howl with laughter (which, by the way, is not at all attractive - I inherited my Uncle Bob's laugh, and he's what people talk about when they use the phrase 'laugh like a drain').
For a taste of 'Acorn Antiques', see:
http://www2.prestel.co.uk/cello/AcornAntiquesEpisodeSix.htm
For the lyrics of 'Barry and Freda', see:
http://www2.prestel.co.uk/cello/BarryAndFreda.htm
And for Ms. Wood's unlikely take on the West End megamusical, see:
http://www2.prestel.co.uk/cello/WhithertheArts.htm
Posted by Stephen Farrow @ 05/08/2002 07:24 AM PST

I was there (in the audience, that is) at the beginning of Rita Rudner's stand-up career (she was still performing in Annie eight shows a week) and she is still every bit as charming and funny as she was then. I wonder if she'll ever come back to musical comedy in a leading role.
Jack Benny, Stan Freberg and Bob Newhart are particular favorites.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 05/08/2002 10:01 AM PST

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