Well, dear readers, I promised you a big surprise today and a big surprise I shall deliver. Are you sitting down? Are you sitting up? Well, sit however you so choose, because today, Thursday, marks the sixth month anniversary of these here notes. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, today is the sixth anniversary of not only these here notes, but the existence of haineshisway.com. Can you believe it? I can hardly believe it myself and, in fact, wouldn’t have even been aware of it if it wasn’t for dear reader Craig alerting me to that fact. Well, now, I think this calls for a celebration, don’t you, dear readers? I think it is time to break out the Diet Coke, to serve up large platters of cheese slices and ham chunks and even shrimp bits on toast. It is time to put on our pointy party hats, our colored tights and pantaloons, time to dance the Hora and maybe even the Watusi. Every day for six months I have written these here notes without fail (well, I’m not sure about that first weekend, but from there on in it’s been every single day), I have written these here notes come hell or high or low water, I have written these notes through laughter and through tears, through thick and through thin, through sunshine and through rain, in sickness and in health... Wait a minute, this is starting to sound like wedding vows. But maybe that’s appropriate, because you have been here every step of the way, dear readers. We… We are family. Even the people out there in the dark, the people who lurk, they too have been with us every day. We have created a site that is to be admired, that has already been copied by others – in other words, we have attained coolness, we are the coolest, we are the hippest, man, and this is the place to be and those who are unawares are uncool and have no hips whatsoever. Yes, through sheer perseverance we have persevered. We have weathered the storm. We are here to stay and the devil take the hindmost.

I have had such fun doing these here notes, and I feel like we are all in this together. Our little posting system has become the envy of one and all and also all and one. People have taken notice, oh, yes, people have taken notice. And they’d better put “notice” back before someone misses it. And now, we must continue to grow, we must become more popular with the populace, so tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the man in the street, tell it to the marines – haineshisway.com is the place where the in crowd meets. I think we must now pause and give a word of thanks to the man who has made all this possible, Mr. Guy Haines. We must now pause and also give a word of thanks to our very own Mr. Mark Bakalor who, despite being errant and truant occasionally, really does do a splendid job of keeping this site up and running and in tip-top shape. Or is it top-tip shape? We must now pause and also give a word of thanks to our very own Mr. Donald Feltham and his sparkling The Broadway Radio Show, one of the most popular internet radio shows in existence. Enough with the pausing. We’ve got celebrating to do. We must run amok and do the pudding dance, but only after we’ve eaten the pudding. Many of our dear readers have been with us since the first day. Some joined soon thereafter and some found us by happenstance. But however and whenever you came I hope you will always feel welcome here and like you are a true Hainsie/Kimlet.

Very soon we will have sparkling additions to the site. Many exciting things are happening and you will all be the very first to know what they are. So stay with us, be a loyal true blue Hainsie/Kimlet and let us put a pox on those who would wish us ill. Perhaps we will make them eat lox. That would be a fine pox, especially if the lox were in a box. Oh, how we would laugh and laugh at the lox pox in a box. And they’d have to eat the lox in the box whilst wearing their socks. That would be a fine how do you do, wouldn’t it? Yes, those who would wish us ill, those who would throw rocks should beware the lox in the box socks pox. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, let us all be loyal true blue Hainsies/Kimlets. Or, if you don’t like being true blue you could be true orange or maybe even true magenta.

Oh, I feel we should strew confetti hither and thither and also yon. In any case, while we are doing our handy-dandy celebrating, why don’t I start answering the plethora of questions you posted for me? Yes, that would be a fine thing to do whilst we partake of our ham chunks and cheese slices and shrimp bits on toast. But first, let us all click on that Unseemly Button below because, after all, we’ve been doing that unseemly fershluganah clicking for sixth whole months. Yes, click, click, click (that is three clicks) that is what we do here at haineshisway.com. On the count of three let’s click once again: One, two, three.

Have I mentioned that this is our sixth month anniversary? Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too. Well, I have lots of questions to answer, so let’s just get to it without further ado. Frankly, or even Georgely, I have had it with ado. No more further ado, say I. No, from now on ado is doa and that is all there is to it. Please excuse any typos - I'm not going to have time to go back and proof.

Michael Shayne asks what exactly does a record producer do when they produce an album?

Well, that is a question dear to my heart. I can only speak for myself, of course. Some record producers I’ve seen in action, don’t do anything. They sit there like so much fish, talk on the phone, do other business, let the artists and engineers do all the work, and then take a producer credit. Others are more hands on and I would fall into that category. The amount of work and involvement varies, of course. If it’s a concept album, such as my Lost in Boston or Unsung series, then I choose the songs, choose the musical director, cast the singers, choose the orchestrator (in collaboration with the musical director – all my albums are total collaborations). I rehearse with everyone, I frequently do the arrangements and I make sure everything meshes with everything. Then, once we go in the studio, I record the orchestra and the singers – I work with each singer to make their song the best it can be – if that requires one take, great. If it requires eight takes, great. Once the album is recorded, my wonderful and brilliant engineer Vinnie begins the mix. When we finally found the sound that made me happy (this took awhile), things became very easy, mix-wise. I let Vinnie get all the mixes up to his satisfaction, then I come in, comp the vocals (get the best possible vocals from the various takes – and make sure that the vocal is seamless and perfect – I’m maniacal about this, which is why singers trust me and like to work with me – they know I will protect their performance) and finesse the mixes so that Vinnie and I are totally satisfied with them. Then, I sequence the album (this is sometimes the hardest thing of all – getting the sequencing absolutely perfect – I feel wrong sequencing can ruin an album), oversee the artwork and packaging right through to the release. On vocal albums, it depends on the singer. Some really want a total collaboration (Emily and Alice, Christiane Noll, etc.) so we all choose the songs, the theme of the album and work very closely together. On Emily and Alice’s and Christiane’s first album, I did all the arrangements, too, with the wonderful Todd Ellison. But if it’s someone like Judy Kaye or Judy Kuhn or Randy Graff, I let the singer and the musical director send me tapes as they work, and then we all settle on the best material and go on from there. The recording and mixing of those is basically the same as the concept albums. For cast albums, every producer has their own way of working. For me, I see the show several times, mark up a script the way I feel it will best record, in terms of what dialogue to use and such, then sit with the creative staff and finalize all that. I also feel it’s my job to make certain that the magic that the performers have on stage translates to the recording. So, I will frequently work with the actors to achieve that, and the actors are always very open and wonderful about that and they know I’m there to support them and help them be the best they can be. Cast album sessions are very difficult, with very limited time to do everything that needs to be done, because of strict union rules. So, one must be prepared, calm and yet a strong leader. The mixing of cast albums is the same as for everything else, although there are usually many more pieces to edit.

But let me tell you, I’ve seen and heard about producers who don’t even attend mixes, don’t have any opinion about how an album should sound (I have a very specific kind of sound I favor, and if you have any of my albums you will note that it is very consistent), and don’t involve themselves in the sequencing. I decided early on that if an album said Produced by Bruce Kimmel that I wanted it to mean something. I wanted people to know that whether they ended up liking the album or not, that they’d be getting an album made by someone who cares, and made with love and hopefully with a consistent quality. And from the thousands of letters and e-mails I’ve gotten over the years, I think I’ve succeeded to at least some small degree.

Whew, that was long. But I am passionate about the subject. Michael also asks who was voted the murderer the most times in the Broadway run of Drood. I actually knew the answer at one time but can no longer remember. Perhaps I’ll drop Mr. Rupert Holmes a note and find out. Finally, Michael asks when a cast album is nominated for a Grammy what do they judge on? The production of the album? The singing? Well, if you want my totally honest answer, I think they vote for what they are most familiar with, what’s had the most publicity. I’m sorry to say it, but it just seems to be true, which is why Rent can lose to Riverdance.

Ron Pulliam asks if I think Little Lulu would make a good musical? Frankly, I don’t know Little Lulu well enough to have an opinion. I used to watch the cartoons on television but remember very little about them. Ron also asks if I have a list of Broadway musicals/showtune-related albums that are must-haves for every theater fan? Well, it’s all subjective, of course, but we’ve talked about many of our favorites here at haineshisway.com. And I’m doing one of our handy-dandy radio shows this Saturday where I choose twelve of my all-time favorite showtune tracks, so tune in and that will give you an idea. But essential cast albums for me would have to include Gypsy, West Side Story, Bye Bye Birdie, Li’l Abner, Company, A Little Night Music, Follies (the original, I don’t care how truncated it may be), A Chorus Line, Oliver, and about a hundred others. Ron also asks if I’ve ever had Pra Ram Pork or Chicken or Pad Thai Noodles at a Thai restaurant. No to the Pra Ram Pork (Arp Mar Krop spelled backwards), yes to the Pad Thai Noodles, which I love. Finally, what’s my favorite serious junk food? MacDonald’s Filet o’ Fish.

Hapgood asks what I thought of Mr. Jack Benny’s (my favorite comedian) performances in The Horn Blows at Midnight and To Be or Not to Be. Shockingly, I’ve never seen The Horn Blows at Midnight, but I do like him very much in To Be or Not to Be. Hapgood also asks what my SAT score was. I have no idea if I ever even took such a thing as an SAT. I think I may have taken an FRI or maybe a WED. My problem with those types of tests is that I get very impatient with them (especially if they have box-folding questions) and I tend to just check off answers willy-nilly, without much care. Finally, Hapgood asks who are those unseemly lurkers? Well, since they are lurkers I’m sure I could not say. No, no, I could not say – they are people out there in the dark and they lurk and read and read and lurk, to what end I know not.

Arnold M. Brockman has several questions, too. What is my favorite book of all time? To Kill a Mockingbird by Miss Harper Lee. Who is/are my favorite authors? The above mentioned Miss Lee, Mr. Ira Levin, Mr. Raymond Chandler, Mr. Cornell Woolrich, Miss Dorothy Parker, Mr. Ring Lardner, Mr. James Thurber, Mr. Ross Macdonald and his wife, Margaret Millar, Mr. James Agee, Mr. John Wyndham, Miss Agatha Christie, Mr. Steven Millhauser, Mr. Stephen King, Mr. William Golding, Mr. George Orwell – those are off the top of my head, there are many many others that I adore. How many copies of my very own novel, Benjamin Kritzer do I think will sell? I hope lots and lots, but I have no idea really. I’m planning on doing a lot of promotion, but it’s a small publisher, so who knows? I hope all our dear readers will buy it, and if they like it, spread the word. What will the first printing be? Not sure yet – they do things a bit differently at this publishers. They published Legally Blonde two years ago, and I think that had a decent first print run. If my book were to become a film who would I like to see cast as Benjamin Kritzer and what director would I choose? That’s a very very difficult call. Benjamin would have to be played by an unknown I should think. You could have names in almost all the other roles, though. Director? I think Mr. Spielberg would “get” the book, but I don’t know if he has the simplicity that it would need – when people here have read it, I think we should have a poll to see what your ideas are. Finally, if an audio version of the book is produced (I’m fairly certain we will do one) will I do the reading? Certainly that would be tempting, but if I could get a name who was right and could do it well, I might defer. Oh, yes, I might defer. Arnold also asks what I think of DVD packaging with all those security tapes. I find that type of packaging totally disgusting (not every studio does that) and one wastes quite a bit of time opening them (MGM/UA is the worst, in my opinion). Arnold also finds the small booklets that come with CDs bothersome, because of the small print inside. The problem, unfortunately, is here to stay, as long as there are notes. You can have bigger type if you print more pages, but more pages costs more money and frequently when I decide to do that anyway, they come up with more notes and it totally defeats the purpose. There’s really no way around it.

Lolita asks what is the wallpaper/background on my computer? Why, I do believe it’s the Harvey Schmidt cover art for my very own novel, Benjamin Kritzer. My screen saver is a purple background with the words “What is it, fish?”. Lolita also wants to know if I’ll be seeing any of the Sondheim shows at the Kennedy Center? Highly doubtful. She also asks who are some of my favorite movie actors/actresses of today? Boy, that’s hard. I like Kevin Spacey. I like the gal who played the lead in Sweet and Lowdown. I like Renee Zellwegger. I always enjoy John Cusack. But I’m afraid I don’t care all that much for the current crop. Finally, how do I feel about my name meaning “brushwood thickets”? Why, I did not know that my name meant brushwood thickets. I don’t even know what in tarnation a brushwood thicket is, but apparently one of the things a brushwood thicket is is a Bruce. Well, perhaps I should brushwood my thicket, start quoting it now.

Jennifer wants to know who I think will be kicked off of Survivor this Thursday (today), assuming I know what Survivor is. I do know what Survivor is, and yet I have never watched one episode. However, if there is a person named Jeff on the show, I feel he should be kicked off, just because he has a name with two “f”s.

Phil Crosby asks who I think the most underrated musical theater composer/lyricists are, those who never seem to get their due. Actually, that’s a pretty tough question, because all the ones I adore have, in fact, gotten their due. I suppose I always feel that Schmidt and Jones deserve to be thought of in the upper echelon of musical theater folk, and I don’t know that they really are. I think John Barry’s theater music is mostly overlooked and underrated and I really like it a lot. And I don’t think Mary Rodgers has ever had the career she should have.

Freedunit asks what my favorite Cole Porter double entendre is? The entire lyric of The Physician. Also, what ever happened to Wanda Richert? I believe she’s married and living peacefully somewhere, but I don’t think she’s done much theater in the last few years. Next, am I going to the Reprise! Follies and do I think there’s a chance it will be recorded? Yes, I will most likely attend, and no I don’t think there’s a chance in hell it will be recorded. That is a very expensive proposition and I don’t really know anyone who would want to put up that kind of dough when there are so many other recordings. Next, have I seen or heard Patricia Resnick’s musical about waitresses, Ladies in Waiting? Nope. What relation, if any, is John Smithee to Alan? I always thought of John as Alan’s distant cousin, or perhaps distant nephew. And finally, who is Mark Rutland and why does he not have a middle name? Mark’s parents didn’t believe in middle names. In fact, they didn’t even believe in first names, but when it came time to sign and fill out the birth certificate they insisted that his father make some kind of mark where his first name should be, so he simply wrote down “mark” and the rest is history. Mark Rutland is, of course, a leading character in both book and film of Marnie – played by Sean Connery. But there is another uncouth interloper named Mark Rutland who directed some film or other.

Robert Armin would like to know what my favorite Vernon Duke song is. I think it’s a toss-up between Autumn in New York and I Can’t Get Started. I like Mr. Duke very much indeed. Robert would also like to know that if I were in New York would I be attending the reading of Mr. Duke’s Madly in Love at the York Theater. But of course. Wild horses couldn’t keep me away, if I were in New York, but since I am in California I will not be attending.

William F. Orr points out that I’ve talked quite a bit about performers and creative artists that I admired when I was a twig of a sprig of a tad of a youth. He goes on to say that it must have happened that I eventually got the opportunity to work with some of my idols. He asks if I can share some stories of finding that I could really relate personally to someone I idolized, and also is there anyone for whom my admiration soured when I found out they were really not a nice person?

One of the great joys for me since I began my album producing journey, has indeed been getting to know and work with some of those people that I held in such high esteem. Mr. Sondheim, Mr. Kander and Mr. Ebb, Comden and Green, Mr. Jerry Herman and many others. To sit in the studio with these people and make creative decisions and work closely with them has been a treat, and the best treat of all is that they have been so gracious to me and have been so happy with the albums I’ve made that feature their work. Some of the people on the above list are friendlier than others, but I have had good relationships with them all. However, there are two people that I truly idolized who have become dear friends, and they are Mr. Tony Walton, and even moreso, Mr. Harvey Schmidt. I have also had the good fortune to work with and get to know a lot of the younger crop of artists, and have become very close with a lot of them as well. As to someone for whom my admiration soured – most definitely, but interestingly only one person. They will remain nameless, however, in the interest of decorum. After working with this person, I said to someone that they ought to do an album of Kurt Weill and call it Vile sings Weill. But without fail, all the other performers I’ve worked with have been perfectly marvelous – whether it’s a Lauren Bacall, Dorothy Loudon or Elaine Stritch, or someone totally new on the scene, I have been blessed to work with such amazingly talented people.

Has anyone begun to notice the extreme length of these here notes? Well, fear not, the end is in sight.

Mattso has a few questions: Do I think that Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme is an appropriate response to the question “Are you going to Scarborough Fair”? Yes, I do. I think Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme is an appropriate response for just about any question. Do you wear socks? Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. Do you like the accordion? Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. Well, we’ve spent enough Thyme on this. Mattso also asks where have all the flowers gone? Mattso is obviously on a folk song kick – in any case, the answer to that question is, of course, Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. Do I think it is possible for Steve Guttenberg to make a comeback? Only if he eats some Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. Where was I born? I was born in the city known as Los Angeles, California. What instruments do I play and do any of them involve pudding. Is anyone thinking that Mattso has been partaking of a bit too much Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme? I play piano, and yes, Virginia I have been known to play said piano whilst eating the Butterscotch Pudding.

Craig’s questions: What do I think about a revival of Woman of the Year (updating to reflect the current decade)? I was never a huge fan of the show in the first place, but I suppose it could work. Craig feels a fine cast would be Candice Bergen and Scott Bakula, and that sounds like a fine cast to me. What are my thoughts on musical satirists such as Tom Lehrer, Gerard Allesandrini, Capitol Steps, Alan Sherman, Weird Al, Spike Jones, etc? Well, it’s not my favorite genre, but I certainly have enjoyed Mr. Lehrer, some of Mr. Allesandrini (although he has a limited bag of tricks), Mr. Sherman, Weird Al – I really like Spike Jones, but I think he’s in a category all to himself. And I love, love, love (that is three loves – tennis anyone?) Mr. Stan Freberg, especially his epic The United States of America.

Craig’s next question is what comic strips/comic books did I love as a child. I must admit that I was never big on comic strips, but I did enjoy reading comic books like Superman, Archie, and above all MAD Magazine (which started out as a comic book), and some of the weird EC comics. Do I watch any of the reality shows on television. I am happy to say, absolutely positively not. I have never seen an episode of Survivor, or Big Brother, or Little Sister or whatever the hell else is on these days. I really don’t like such things and, truth be told, outside of several HBO shows, I don’t watch television at all. Have I seen Spiderman? No, but everyone seems to like it so I probably will get around to it. Can I give my thoughts on the Tony nominees? It seems like the usual thing to me. Some omissions, some surprises, but I can’t work up much enthusiasm for any of it, since I haven’t seen most of the shows nominated.

JMK asks if my father ever found out that I removed two hundred dollars from his pants-pocket to purchase that tape recorder to record The Parent Trap before going off to summer camp. No, happily he didn’t. My brother held that over me for quite some time, but I had the equal goods on him, because he used to go out at three in the morning and drive my father’s car when he was fourteen.

Bill asks why I haven’t recorded much Al Carmines music, and asks what I think of him and would I consider recording a Carmines compilation. I always found Mr. Carmines weird and very enjoyable. I don’t really have an answer as to why I didn’t record more. As to a Carmines compilation, I’m afraid its audience would be very limited – it’s why I didn’t do compilation albums of a lot of people that I really like.

Finally, Jed asks how I came to know our very own Mr. Mark Bakalor? Well, I don’t exactly remember, to tell you the truth. I did use to frequent the All that Chat board when Mark was involved, and I certainly posted and frequented sondheim.com. At some point we began chatting, and the rest is history. He asked me to do what became One From Column A, and he’s done several jobs for me over the years. He has also mercilessly bitch-slapped his way across these here United States. Jed also asks how I first met my close personal friend, Mr. Stephen Sondheim? It was when I had my first label, and we reissued A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. He wrote, then I wrote, and then he wrote and then I wrote, and then he, then me, then he then me, and then came Unsung Sondheim, and the eight or nine other Sondheim albums I’ve done (is it ten?).

Well, that was a gaggle of questions, was it not? I hope you all haven’t fallen asleep by now, and I hope my answers were satisfactory.

I hope we are all still celebrating and that said celebration will continue until the wee hours of the morning. Here’s to another six months!

Today’s topic of discussion: What are your favorite trashy movies, you know the ones without hardly any redeeming features, but which are eminently watchable anyway. I’ll start with the obvious role model for this category: Valley of the Dolls, and its sequel Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Your turn.