Well, dear readers, you will never guess what I just did. I just changed the ink cartridge in my handy-dandy Hewlett Packard printer. That is a major event around these parts, dear readers, because, believe it or not, I have never changed an ink cartridge in a handy-dandy Hewlett Packard printer before – others have always done the changing for me. I was quite nervous about this changing of the ink cartridge – such things are usually beyond my ken, as Mr. Oscar Hammerstein would say. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, such things are beyond my ken and, for that matter, beyond my norman, too. But, I girded my loins and did it. And do you know what? It was easy, I tell you, it was easy as pie. Is pie easy? What does that mean, easy as pie? I have never found pie especially easy, in fact I have known several difficult pies in my time. In any case, I have always been to nervous to change my own ink cartridge, but when push came to shove I did it, all by myself. Actually, shove came to push, but why should I be pedantic? I’m feeling pretty good about the changing of the ink jet cartridge, yes sir, I am feeling pretty good. Another thing I am feeling pretty good about is that I’m slowly but surely and also surely but slowly getting buff and toned with abs and buns of steel. I’ve managed to get a little tan, and my hair has gotten some golden highlights, thanks to some special sun glop that my handy-dandy hair stylist, Teddy, gave me. I am looking quite California, if I do say so myself. Yes, I am an Old Jew with blonde highlights, and soon people will stop me in the street and say, “Surf’s up”. Won’t that be exciting? Won’t that just be too too?

I attended the lecture on American Song, given by my pal Jim Jimirro. I must say, the rather elderly audience ate him up (no mean feat), and whenever he’d mention a song or quote a lyric, the whole place sang along with him. In a way it’s a shame he can’t get young people to come to these lectures, because right now he’s really preaching to the converted, as it were. Still and all, it was very enjoyable and he even invoked my very own name twice. He also commented on my lovely blonde highlights by saying, "Hey Bruce, surf's up".

Well, perhaps it’s time I start in answering your plethora of questions, because there are a lot of them, and as most of you know I do go on. Oh, yes, I do go on and that is because answering questions is not beyond my ken or my Barbie. But first, before I can do any answering, we must all click on that Unseemly Button below. Thus it is written, thus it must be done. What am I, Charlton Heston all of a sudden? Oh, let’s click and be done with it.

Well, let’s get right to the questions, shall we? Let us not tarry or delay any further. Let us put the kibosh on such things as tarrying and delaying simply because we must put the kibosh on something because it is such a supremely stupid word.

Tom from Oz asks what my least favorite recording of a Sondheim song is. There is a version of Losing My Mind that is so appalling that it is mind boggling (I even sent a copy to my close personal friend, Mr. Stephen Sondheim), but now I can’t remember who did it, and I threw the disc in the trash. It was simply beyond repair, that version of Losing My Mind was. I don’t care for Miss Liza Minnelli’s version of that song either, and as much as I enjoy Miss Julie Wilson, some of her interpretations leave me cold, Sondheim-wise.

Kerry asks if I’ve ever turned down a part, be it in a commercial, play or movie, and if so, why? That is an interesting question. I only remember turning down one role on television – it was offered to me and I said no. It was an episode of Baretta with Mr. Robert Blake. I turned it down because I’d heard horror stories about Mr. Blake and his craziness, and I didn’t want the aggravation. He loved to improvise everything on that show, and I simply don’t like to improvise. Isn’t that funny? I don’t recall ever turning a commercial down or a play, although I’m sure there were certain commercials where I just wouldn’t bother going to the audition if I thought it was too dumb. Actually, I did attempt to turn down two other jobs – one, the film Racquet, but they coerced me into doing it with star billing and a separate title card in the main titles. I still should have turned it down. Oh, well. And I turned down an episode of the television show Angie because I thought the part was too small and virtually had almost no dialogue. My manager at the time actually made me go back and say yes, and boy was she right. It was one of the best things I ever did on television – just goes to show you don’t need dialogue if the situation is really funny and there’s a lot of room for you to strut your stuff silently, which I did. Kerry also asks if there will be a sequel to my novel, Benjamin Kritzer. Well, truth be told, I’ve started on it – I’m going slowly and I’ve got the framework for it and it’s pretty good. It will depend on where it takes me, just as it did with the first one. When I started writing Benjamin Kritzer, I had only the barest outline of what it would be – oh, I knew the situations and the characters okay, but I had no clue as to what the plot would end up being until I suddenly hit upon it. I’ll go into some of those things when it’s a little closer to the release. In any case, there may well be a sequel and you will all be the first to know.

Sandra asks if I’ve ever considered putting together a haineshisway.com Dear Reader Cookbook. No, I have never considered it for it would be beyond my ken. However, perhaps one fine day when he gets off his butt cheeks, Mr. Mark Bakalor can make us a little recipe corner right here on the site.

Roy asks if I like the music of The Rolling Stones (having made mention in the past week of “wild horses couldn’t keep me away” and a “dull aching pain”)? Well, if truth be told (and it always will be), they are not my favorite. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I listened to them. Roy also asks what features are important in a DVD player and what brand do I recommend. I have a progressive scan Toshiba that is quite nice, but almost any player has all the little bells and whistles you’d need. I’d certainly stick with a major name, like Sony, or Toshiba or Pioneer. And do get a progressive scan player if you have or are thinking about having a wide screen television.

Laura asks exactly how many dear readers are there who come to the site and how many lurkers? Well, if the numbers are to be believed, we have, between dear readers and lurkers, over four hundred people a day visiting us here at haineshisway.com. I think that’s pretty good considering we started off with less than a hundred. Laura also asks the name of my cleaning lady. Mayna is her name and she is a lovely person.

Phil Crosby heard me mention that at one time I was planning to do a Christiane Noll sings Rodgers and Hammerstein album and he asks if there weren’t some projects that I’d actually recorded which haven’t been released yet. Actually, the R&H album I was planning was a multiple artist album. It was supposed to happen a long time ago, but I had to let go the original musical director I’d chosen, and then I got busy doing other stuff, and then I finally gave it to Donald Johnston, who, soon thereafter, sadly passed away. I had chosen all the songs, done about five arrangements but I suppose it was not meant to be. As to the unreleased albums, they are all involved in litigation right now – how that will play out only time will tell.
JMK is curious as to my take on this year’s Tony nominations – more specifically, egregious exclusions and/or inclusions. I think I answered this one a couple of weeks ago – I simply haven’t seen enough this season to have an informed opinion.

Arnold M. Brockman asks if in making up my list of 12 favorite showtunes I had more than the 12 on my list and if so what are the next 12? Well, certainly there were others that came very close. Some of them were: Climb Every Mountain, Love, Look Away, Now/Soon/Later, Soon It’s Gonna Rain, My Lord and Master, etc. Arnold also tells me that he finds slow fades at the end of songs disconcerting and asks why it’s done and does it bother me. Well, since I have been guilty of doing many fades, no it doesn’t bother me at all, and it really works for certain kinds of songs, especially those with strong hooks – or when you just want to have the fade as an effect. For example, on my Stephen Schwartz Album, there’s a fade at the end of Guy Haines’s version of Corner of the Sky. I designed the arrangement to have the fade because I wanted that feeling of an endless and never-ending quest to find said Corner of the Sky. Arnold also purchased the DVD of Love’s Labour’s Lost and asks my opinion of the film and its musical score by Patrick Doyle. Well, I shut the film off half-way through, so I don’t think I liked it too much. But I’m a big fan of Mr. Patrick Doyle and I remember playing the CD quite a bit.

Michael Shayne has two questions: Michael was intrigued by my comments about record producers and especially intrigued about sequencing CDs. As I said, to me it’s one of the most important and frequently overlooked things – I can’t stress the importance of a perfectly sequenced CD. Michael brings up Liz Callaway’s The Story Goes On CD and says that if you rearrange the tracks in a certain order it sort of tells a love story, rather like my Christiane Noll A Broadway Love Story album. Yes, it’s true, one could have gone down that path (and the order that Michael proposed certainly works perfectly in that regard), but it wasn’t what Liz or I was interested in with that CD. Christiane’s CD, on the other hand, was specifically designed to tell its story, with thematic links between all the songs, very much a one-woman musical. Liz’s album was quite a while ago, but I remember it being somewhat difficult to get right – the only thing I remember was really wanting Wash That Man second, because I felt it was so supremely weird and funky and clever that it was a great second song. I do know that I tend to like to throw curves – to keep the album interesting and intriguing and most of all surprising all along the way – and I do like it to have an emotional journey of some sort. Not a story, per se, but just a muscically emotional journey, with lots of variations and builds. Michael also asks if amongst the 130 albums I’ve produced, there were any songs which were “Lost in Boston” – in other words, songs recorded for albums but which went unused. I can only think of three instances – Paige O’Hara did Dancing on her Jerry Herman album and it wasn’t included. Laurie Beechman and Ken Page did a medley of Starting Here, Starting Now and Tomorrow is the first Day of the Rest of Your Life that didn’t make her second album, and Guy Haines did Here’s That Rainy Day, and that didn’t make the show either. In the case of Dancing, Paige and her musical director wanted to do a real “dance” techno-pop version of it. That sounded like a horrendous idea to me, but I told them to go ahead with it with the proviso that they really do it and not play at it. I never mind going out on an artistic limb if people go all the way and have the courage of their convictions. That’s how Alex Rybeck, Liz and I arrived at the Bacharachish version of Joey, Joey, Joey, one of my favorite tracks of all time. In any case, when we got to the studio to record and I heard what they’d done with Dancing I simply pulled the plug and said no. It was really awful, because it was half-assed. The same basic thing happened with Laurie and Ken’s duet – it just didn’t feel of a piece with the rest of that beautiful album – it felt forced and unnatural and really outré, but not in a good outré way. And then there was Guy Haines’s version of Here’s That Rainy Day. That’s certainly always been one of my favorite songs (and one of his), and I had the brilliant jazz pianist Terry Trotter come in and play it – just a trio and a flugelhorn. But Here’s That Rainy Day is a very short song, and in trying to make it longer and to have some substance, it just became boring, and I was never happy with Mr. Haines’s performance – I could just feel the effort. It wasn’t bad, and Terry played beautifully, but it just wasn’t good enough. And that’s what led to recording the piano only version of You Must Believe in Spring, which became one of my favorite tracks on the album.

Craig asks several questions: If I could play any role in any show what show and what role and why? Well, I was lucky enough to play Mr. Finch in How To Succeed, Mr. Littlechap in Stop the World, and Mr. Cocky in Roar of the Greasepaint, which would have been three of my top choices. I would always love to have played C.C. Baxter in Promises, Promises. I love the songs and the character is terrific, with wonderfully witty Neil Simon dialogue to say. I would like to have played in They’re Playing Our Song for the same reasons. And, I suppose, Dr. Kitchell would come easily to me. Craig wonders if the world will ever get to hear any of the really early Sondheim songs that he did on assignment from his mentor, Mr. Hammerstein. Other than the one he let me do from All That Glitters, I don’t think so, at least that’s the impression he’s always given me. I kind of had my choice of the All That Glitters songs, but I could only choose one. Craig also asks if I eat Chinese Food in Bed, since I wrote a song with that title. In actuality, I have never eaten Chinese Food in Bed, nor anything else in bed, because I don’t like the crumb factor. I don’t like the thought of bits of food in my bed. That just skeeves me, frankly. Finally, Craig asks if I’ve ever given a name to the singing bird who does showtunes in my yard? Yes, Minerva the showtune singing bird.

J. Weinman asks if I’ve ever produced a cast album where the writers or the writers and I decided to add a lead-in or ending that was not in the show itself? Well, let’s see. Cy Coleman kept trying to add endings to stuff in Little Me that differed from what was on stage, but I fought against it and won. Same thing with the Bells are Ringing people – they really wanted to put an ending on Long Before I Knew You, and I felt that we had a cast album that had done that, and I wanted ours to reflect the show and the end of the act. Again, I won. In After the Fair, I felt that the way the show began was not good for a CD and I asked the composer to write something to open with – a short prelude. He balked at first, but I asked him to really give it some thought – he did, he wrote it, and after we did the recording they liked it so much it went into the production and is now part of the score. And here’s a funny story: When we were recording Merrily We Roll Along, we got to Old Friends. We did a rehearsal(we were using Tunick’s reduced orchestrations, which were not actually used in the show at the York), and when it got to the end of the song “Damn few” it ended with a low button. I whipped around in my seat and said to Tunick, “A low button? A low button?” He looked at me for the longest time, and then smiled and said, “You think it should be a high button?” I said I did think it should be a high button. Steve Sondheim was sitting on the couch with his New York Times in front of his face – Tunick looked over to him, and the newspaper came down, and here is what Mr. Sondheim said: “Bruce is right”. I love that. That is one of my favorite stories. But, no, I try to be as true to the show I saw as possible. For The King and I, I was determined to make a different album than all the others that were out. I felt that no King and I album had ever packed the emotional wallop that the show does, because the score really ends with Shall We Dance? and yet there is another twenty-five minutes in which all sorts of wonderful and dramatic things happen and I really fought to include some of that material (all underscored, of course) on the album – things like the processional, where we find out the King is dying, things like Anna reading the letter – great stuff. Did I answer the question? I can’t remember if I did or not because I do tend to babble on.

Donna feels that despite the Moulin Rouge and Chicago film musicals, the once-popular film musical is in semi-permanent retirement. What do I think is needed and what do I find lacking in today’s film musical? Well, I’ve said for years that the film musical was/is due for a comeback, so maybe it will be Chicago, although I have my doubts. Moulin Rouge was its own thing – I admired it from afar, but didn’t really get beyond the show-off aspect of it. Funnily, the Hollywood producer that David and I pitched to yesterday (he’s an older gentleman from a better period in Hollywood) was bemoaning the fact that there aren’t any musicals anymore. The last real original film musical was, I believe, Newsies, and I am of the opinion that had it been done by better people, most importantly its writer and director, that that film might have been a hit. I know there was The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast, but we’re not counting those. No, Newsies had a shot, but it simply wasn’t good enough, despite the excellent score. I think the first person who makes a great film musical, in the classic style, will have a winner, whether it’s wholly original or adapted from a Broadway musical. And that might just be the film version of The Producers, if it should be made. As to what I think is lacking, mostly courage on the part of the creative people – they all want to pander to what they perceive the target audience is. However, the target audience is now so young that there is no way to pander to them without being totally stupid and inane. But I would bet that the target audience would go see The Producers, if it were done well as a film. Did I answer the question? I do tend to babble on.

Lolita asks a few questions, such as: Do I enjoy postcards and do I send postcards? I don’t know that I’ve ever sent a postcard in my entire life, save for early on when I would take the odd vacation. I have no real feeling for postcards, and the fact is I don’t get many that aren’t advertising something. Who will be designing the Nudie Musical/Benjamin Kritzer products? Why, our very own Mr. Mark Bakalor, that’s who, at least if he gets off his butt cheeks and actually does it. If there is a sequel to my novel, what will it be called? Ah, that is the question, isn’t it? That is a tough one and I suppose at some point a title will present itself to me, because at this juncture I haven’t a clue. Do I enjoy candy. I presume you mean food candy and not Mr. Terry Southern’s Candy. Actually, I enjoy both. My candy favorites change on a daily basis, but I do love a nice box of See’s dark chocolate nuts and chews. I also love Three Musketeers, Snickers and Milky Ways, and have loved them since I was a mere sprig of a twig of a tad of a lad. Will I be doing any more radio shows in the future? Oh, I’m certain I will be, especially around the DVD release of Nudie Musical. Finally, what do I do all day? That, of course, depends on the day, but obviously I write these here notes every morning – then, I always have errands and/or meetings to attend, I always spend time writing the new musical – well, the days tend to be quite full.

Scott R. asks how I’m transferring VHS tapes to DVD. Scott wasn’t aware that the technology had become affordable for the home user. First of all, I found someone to do my transferring, and it seemed pretty reasonable, usually around $25 for a two hour DVD. What I didn’t know when I began having him do it is that there are really good home DVD recorders for under $1,000 now. If I’d known that, I might have just popped for the recorder and done them myself, but I’m very slow to learn new things and very impatient along the way of learning new things. I suppose at some point I will get a DVD recorder, though and then transfer many more of my rare Betamax tapes.

Mattso asks if I’ve ever written or recorded a song that I later decided was too tasteless or grotesque to be included on an album? Well, if you know my work, I think you know the answer would be a firm “no”. I have recorded many tracks folks might find grotesque in some way, and as to “tasteless” as long as the tasteless song has some taste I’m all for such things. What is the most disgusting movie that I have ever enjoyed? That’s a hard question, actually, since I tend not to enjoy disgusting movies – however, Eraserhead springs to mind.

Bill asks when I see a revival of a classic musical, do I prefer a show with major changes in book and score (like the recent Annie Get Your Gun), a show that keeps the original material but totally changes the staging, design, etc (the current Oklahoma!) or one that’s a carbon copy of the original (Hello, Dolly or A Chorus Line)? Well, I pretty much abhor any major tinkering with classic musicals like Annie Get Your Gun. I say, if it ain’t broke (and AGYG most certainly is not broke) don’t fix it. The King and I revival was a great example of how to take a classic musical and give it a whole new fresh look and feel and I loved every minute of it. As to carbon copies, it’s almost inconceivable, for some reason, to imagine certain shows in different stagings, like Dolly and A Chorus Line. That said, it would also be tremendous fun to see new takes on the staging of those two shows, at least if the new takes are interesting and well-done. Fosse’s Pippin is another example of a musical that is wedded to its original staging and look – but the Paper Mill Playhouse version went a whole new way – unfortunately, that whole new way simply wasn’t very good or interesting.

Hapgood asks if I’ve seen Miss Elaine Stritch’s show and what I think of Miss Stritch in general. Haven’t seen the show yet, but want to very much. I have loved Stritch since discovering her on the television series, My Sister Eileen. She has never been less than wonderful in anything I’ve seen her in, and she achieved brilliant status, of course, in Company. I also had the good fortune to work with her, and I really enjoyed the experience.

Mark L. asks if there were ever vocal selections published for my Lost in Boston albums? Well, no, but not for lack of trying. For a short time, I almost had a deal with a major publisher to do them, but, for whatever reasons, it fell apart. A shame, really. What original Broadway cast would I like to see together again for a concert outing? Well, Company would have been high on the list, except they did it and I saw it. Follies would have been next, but too many of the original cast are now gone. And the recent Dreamgirls concert would also have been high on the list, but they went their own way, which for my money, was not the way to go.

William F. Orr asks if I would describe my love life in detail from puberty until last Friday. If I had a love life I would be more than happy to write about it. But, you know, it’s the same old boring thing – romances, blechhhy marriage, romances, both good and bad, and the endless search. Certainly I have been with some terrific people, so that, at least, is nice. William F. Orr also asks me to comment on Mr. Thomas Z. Shepard’s remastering of the cast album of Gypsy. I was very vocal about this when it came out last year. Very vocal indeed. I thought it was appalling. Oh, the sound was fine and all that, but his decision to replace a couple of vocal takes of Miss Merman because he thought they were better – his decision to “fix” the trumpet clam in the overture – his decision to add in Louise’s grunts and groans in All I Need is The Girl – well, I thought they were heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) and totally uncalled for. It wasn’t his album to mess with – he wasn’t the original producer. I hate this changing of history, and now this is the CD that new generations will hear. I’m quite certain that Miss Merman and Mr. Styne and Mr. Sondheim and Mr. Lieberson were happy with the choices they made. And some of us (I’m sure Mr. Styne included – he was a perfectionist) don’t feel that the trumpet “clam” was a clam at all. As to Louise’s grunts and groans, the track works better without them. I wonder how Mr. Shepard would feel if another producer remastered his recording of Company or Sweeney Todd and did similar revisionism. Why I think Mr. Thomas Z. Shepard would become apoplectic, I believe he would have a heart seizure, that’s what I believe. I also hate when these reissue producers change the original “panning” of the albums. In the old days, they really liked to use the entire wide stereo soundstage, and now a lot of these remasterings “center” the vocals – it’s especially annoying on A Chorus Line.

Whew, that was a lot of questions and therefore a lot of answers. I do hope I answered to your satisfaction – if I left anything out, post it and I’ll amend answers during the day. Well, I must away, I must greet the day, I must do the things I do. I must take to the streets so people can admire my brand spanking new buff and toned body with abs and buns of steel, and so they can look at my sparkling hair and say, "Surf's up". Today’s topic of discussion: What Broadway musicals would you love to see made into films? I’ll start: Company, Follies, Promises, Promises. Your turn.