haines his way

05/19/2002:
"MUTANT VEGETABLES"

Well, dear readers, I slept in and am now getting to these here notes a little later than usual. Why do they call it “sleeping in”? And who are “they”? “They” always come up with weird sayings, don’t “they”? I’m tired of “they” frankly, or even williamly, and I wish “they” would go away. I mean, after all, don’t we always sleep in? Certainly I don’t sleep out very often. And yet, when “they” say “sleep in” it connotes sleeping later. Oh, well, I’m too groggy to try to puzzle the mystery of it all right now.
Last night I went to my friends the Jones’s house for a fine and hearty meal and excellent company. We had eggplant parmesan and cute little teeny-weeny steaks. We had warm and tasty bread. Normally I would not eat such a thing called eggplant because I don’t like when they mix these things up and start putting eggs on plants. Then we start having mutant vegetables and I don’t know about you, dear readers, but I just can’t abide mutant vegetables. However, this mutant eggplant was quite good, although it was heavily drowned in parmesan and thick tomato sauce, which might have just disguised its mutantness. We also had salad with no mutant vegetables. Actually, I’m feeling quite like a mutant vegetable myself right at this particular moment, because I slept in and am groggy as all get-out. If only I’d slept out maybe I wouldn’t be so groggy as all get-out.
When I got home last night, I finally saw the designs that Mr. Mark Bakalor has been laboring over, the designs for our brand spanking new handy-dandy sections. We are going to have spiffy new sections for The First Nudie Musical and my book, Benjamin Kritzer. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Mr. Mark Bakalor has done a lovely job on these designs and I think you will be very impressed and will spend hours and hours of each and every day perusing them. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, such as Mr. Mark Bakalor or myself being attacked by mutant vegetables, the new sections should be up and viewable on Monday, or tomorrow, which is another way of looking at Monday if it happens to be Sunday. We are also going to create a separate section to house our upcoming brand spanking new interviews. It will be known as the Unseemly Interview Section and it will be spiffy. There will also be many new and sparkling products for sale in our sparkling and unseemly product gallery. We will have Nudie Musical hats and t-shirts and even wall clocks. And, we will also have Nudie Musical boxer shorts. I, for one, will be purchasing a Nudie Musical wall clock because one simply must have such a thing on one’s wall. Or, perhaps I’ll put the wall clock on the counter, just to be contrary. We will also have Benjamin Kritzer t-shirts, golf shirts, wall clocks, mugs, hats, and various and sundried other amusing items. They will all be coming soon here at haineshisway.com, most certainly they will be available for ordering within the next three weeks. I’ve already booked our first interviewees and I think you will enjoy their interviews very much indeed. Yes, we are intent on making haineshisway.com the place to be for those who are part of the in crowd, for those who are with it, for those who know what’s what, for those who dig cool, man. We don’t want any mutant vegetables around these parts – no, the mutant vegetables (and they know who they are) can go elsewhere, can frequent other sites, can be ordinary and live their humdrum mundane lives without such accoutrements as Guy Haines Boxer Shorts, or Nudie Musical Wall Clocks, or Benjamin Kritzer Golf Shirts. What the hell am I talking about? Am I beginning to sound like some mutant vegetable gone horribly awry?
Well, speaking of mutant vegetables (and I was), isn’t it time for us all to click on the Unseemly Button below, before we all become mutant vegetables?

I have an unpleasant task to attend to tomorrow, which is going to take most of my day. I am quite certain that this unpleasant task will put me in a foul mood, or perhaps it will merely put me in a fowl mood, in which case I shall have a turkey sandwich and be done with it. I hate unpleasant tasks, don’t you, dear readers? Especially ones that are a waste of time and energy. However, I will have my handy-dandy laptop computer with me, and so I will do hourly posts to tell you all about how unpleasant I feel. Perhaps it won’t be unpleasant at all, in which case I shall be pleasantly surprised.
I attended the rare book show yesterday, and I must say the turnout was extremely disappointing. Several dealers who I know very well were complaining and even worse, not selling any books. But I had a good time looking around and fondling several extremely rare books.
Dear reader Lolita wrote to tell me that she’d seen and enjoyed The Crucible, and that brought back several memories. For example, did you know that I played the role of Judge Hathorne when I was but a wee sprig of a twig of a lad of a youth? Yes, Virginia, I played Judge Hathorne in our high school drama production of The Crucible. I have no doubt I was quite riveting in my judicialness. Furthermore (which is really just a fancy shmancy way of saying more more), did you know I played the role of Reverend Paris when I attented Los Angeles City College? I did, I played the role of Reverend Paris, and would you like to know who played Abigail? Well, I’ll tell you who played Abigail because why should I keep such trenchant information from you? Cindy Williams played Abigail, that’s who played Abigail, and she was quite excellent. I’m quite certain that I was quite riveting in the role of Reverend Paris, especially when I exclaimed, “I denounce these proceedings, I quit this court!” More more, the other memory that came back to me was also when I was in high school – I happened to be at Phil Harris Record Shop on Hollywood Boulevard one fine day, and was perusing all the wonderful records there, when I came upon a box set of LPs called The Crucible. Since I was, at that time, doing the play, I thought I would purchase said box set of LPs, which I thought was a recording of the play. I did, in fact, purchase it and when I got home I put it on my handy-dandy record player. Imagine my surprise when music issued forth. I looked at the box again and realized that what I had purchased was, in fact, an opera of The Crucible. Now, I had never heard an opera before, except for excerpts on television shows like Ed Sullivan and The Bell Telephone Hour – and I hadn’t liked that kind of hoity-toity singing. But, I listened to all two plus hours of the opera, The Crucible and do you know what? It was a life-changer. The music was so glorious, so American, so beautiful, and captured the play so wonderfully that I became hooked on it, and most especially became hooked on the composer, Mr. Robert Ward. Later, when I began my first label, Bay Cities, the first things we issued were reissues of classical music by Mr. Robert Ward. His brilliant piano concerto, his great symphonies, five discs in all. And, best of all, I got to meet, converse and know Mr. Robert Ward, who was a splendid gentleman. More more, when I began corresponding with Mr. Stephen Sondheim, I sent him the Robert Ward discs, and it turned out that Mr. Stephen Sondheim was a huge fan. That tickled Mr. Robert Ward pink. The Crucible and Mr. Ward’s Piano Concerto are still available (on other labels now), and if you want a treat, order them posthaste.
Well, dear readers, I am getting a late start to my day, because of having slept in like some horrid mutant vegetable. And so, I must get dressed and go do the things I do. In the meantime, today is free-for-all day, so the topic of discussions can be of your own choosing. I shall, of course, chime in from time to time. Post away.

Replies: 29 Unseemly Comments

Well I will be the first to post today and ask - what's the new radio show going to be about?
more later,
Posted by Craig @ 05/19/2002 11:44 AM PST

You know, I have no idea - haven't heard from Donald, who will now have to be roundly or squarely bitch-slapped. I'll drop him a line and have him post. Meanwhile, where in tarnation is everyone with their free-for-all posts.
Posted by bk @ 05/19/2002 01:47 PM PST

sorry, but I haven't been around much this weekend....
anyway, the new radio show is up and, with the Tonys only 2 weeks away, I thought we would look back at some long-running and fairly well known Broadway musicals that not only didn't win the Tony as Best Musical -- they weren't even nominated!
I hope you all enjoy....
Next week I will be joined by songwriter Wayne Moore as we listen to his dozen favorite showtunes and then the following week will be our Tony Awards special
Posted by Donald @ 05/19/2002 02:16 PM PST

Seems like we need a free-for-all topic for today. I'll start.
NEW MATH -- what the heck was it and whatever happened to it? Did it go the way of New Coke? I was but a wee sprig of a twig of a lass of a youth when it was introduced, and all I remember was that my dad was too confused to help me with my very simple homework.
Posted by Laura @ 05/19/2002 03:07 PM PST

Because I am easily confused, I am wondering if you could clarify--will we be able to purchase the DVD of "FNM" and the actual book (as opposed to the pretend book) of "BK" in the new products gallery? I have not pre-ordered either of these eagerly awaited items in hopes that we could them directly from you.
Posted by JMK @ 05/19/2002 03:18 PM PST

Or, indeed, even GET them directly from you. :)
Posted by JMK @ 05/19/2002 03:18 PM PST

Here's how it will work - you'll be able to purchase signed copies of the hardcover book here at haineshisway.com, but only if you pay via paypal (the good news is they give you five bucks for signing up, so you get a nice little discount right off the bat). You'll also be able to purchase signed copies of the DVD here, again paying by paypal. If you can't, or if you want the paperback instead of the hardcover (it's not that much cheaper and I recommend the hardcover) then there will be a handy-dandy link to amazon for the DVD and to 1stbooks.com for the book. Easy as pie.
Posted by bk @ 05/19/2002 03:26 PM PST

BK, do you have jury duty tomorrow?
Posted by Lulu @ 05/19/2002 05:41 PM PST

No, it's worse than jury duty - and will be a total bore and annoying to boot, but sometimes one must do what one must do to be done with what one must do.
Posted by bk @ 05/19/2002 06:01 PM PST

For today's free-for-all I have chosen to share three of my favorite moments from "Last Thoughts On Woody Guthrie" by Bob Dylan.
Moment one:

And your train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it
And the wood's easy findin' but you're lazy to fetch it
Moment two:
But it's trapped on your tongue, sealed in your head
And it bothers you badly when your layin' in bed
Moment three:
When you can't even sense if they got any insides
These people so pretty in their ribbons and bows
Posted by Sad-Eyed Lady @ 05/19/2002 06:21 PM PST

Let's see if this works.. hehe
Bitch Slap!
Posted by Craig @ 05/19/2002 06:52 PM PST

Marvelous! We should put this link in every time a bitch slap is mentioned.
Posted by Hapgood @ 05/19/2002 07:10 PM PST

If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well
It were done quickly:
bk: Will it ever be revealed what it is that you dread to do but must do tomorrow in order to be done with what it is you must do, or will remaining in suspense have to do for those of us who know not what you must do? Boring is awful. I hope that whatever it is it is not painful as well.
Craig: Marvelous! Luv it! It seems familiar, but I cannot place it. Should I know it? I wonder if “Bitch Slap!” will catch-on as “Wipe-out” did…
Posted by freedunit @ 05/19/2002 07:34 PM PST

Hello all :) I have been Doing Things all day and now I am tired. However I still have things to do. What exactly is it that I do do? (What's a corprophiliac's favorite Madeline Kahn line?)
Printing, printing, endless printing...
I saw Goody Proctor with the devil!!!
No, not really. But I've been saying that all day long and I thought you all should be included.
Posted by Lolita @ 05/19/2002 07:45 PM PST

Well, since this is an open topic day, I will tell you that last week I took off from work, spent money I don't have to fly alone to New York to see Elaine Stritch. It was two days of travel hell flying from and then back home to Phoenix; the airlines were not at their best.
However, my day in NY was fantastic! I decided that I have missed far too many things, and this was my chance to see Elaine Stritch perform. And not in a show where I might hear her do "Why Do the Wrong People Travel?" OR "Zip" OR "Ladies Who Lunch" -- but ALL of them. I'm glad I didn't miss my chance. The evening was one I'll always treasure; it was all I wanted and so much more. I urge you all to spend money you don't have to go see it while you can.
I also caught a matinee of "Tale of the Allergist's Wife." Quite funny. Good dialogue.
Anyway, it was a wonderful adventure.
Oh, and I did see Liam Neeson outside the theatre since "Crucible" was playing across the street.
OK. hope I didn't take up too much of your time.
Posted by Kerry @ 05/19/2002 07:58 PM PST

Freedunit -- maybe bruce should ask where that "wav" is from.. I have the answer..but will refrain from posting it for now, but you can email me any guesses. Remember - there are to be NO trivia questions in these here posts!!!
Posted by Craig @ 05/19/2002 08:03 PM PST

Elaine Stritch: At Liberty
Kerry: I am so glad you enjoyed Elaine Stritch: At Liberty! It is a marvelous show and, as you know now, quite worth the trip. I have no vested interest in the production, but urge others to go simply to share the gift that Stritch has given to Broadway.
For those of you who have not seen the show, you have only through next Sunday, 26 May 2002, to see her—
only 5 more performances! Stritch’s is the best performance Broadway has seen in a long time!
For anyone who loves musicals and has not seen the show, GO! [Click to be redirected to buy tickets.]
Posted by freedunit @ 05/19/2002 08:12 PM PST

Craig: Still it is marvelous, but since when are trivia questions not allowed? Only Unseemly Trivia Contest answers are not allowed, disallowed, banned, verboten and forbidden…
Posted by freedunit @ 05/19/2002 08:37 PM PST

freedunit:
If you remember, Bruce said to not post trivia questions because we should submit them to him so he can use them for unseemly trivia questions... Im sure if you search, you can find the post that he said that in
Posted by Craig @ 05/19/2002 08:42 PM PST

Craig: Of course, you are correct that in the 05/05/2002 bk’s notes II bk did address extra-Unseemly-Trivia-Contest questions (“And for those who have been posting their own unseemly trivia queries, save them and send them to me and I will have some guest trivia contest questions. If I use your question I will send you a sparkling prize.”). I had read it, but not understood it as a rule until now. I suppose your interpretation is what was intended. Forgive me for raising Cain. If it please the kourt, I was not asking or responding to a trivia question, just one of picayune minutiae. Mea culpa. [Bitch slap.]
Posted by freedunit @ 05/19/2002 08:58 PM PST

One MIGHT think you are just doing all this JUST to use our new handy-dandy-bitch-slap! More power to you!
Posted by Craig @ 05/19/2002 09:01 PM PST

Craig: I am ashamed and embarrassed that you would think such a thing. Forgive me. My fault again. [Bitch slap.]
;-)
Posted by freedunit @ 05/19/2002 09:05 PM PST

You're all crazy! Crazy, I tell you!
Posted by Mr. Mark Bakalor @ 05/19/2002 10:34 PM PST

Mr. Mark Bakalor,
It is useless to fight it. Relax and accept the inevitable.
Soon you will be one of us! Mwa ha ha.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/20/2002 03:17 AM PST

MARK-
Surely you meant to say "You are all as mad as hatters," right? :)
Posted by Craig @ 05/20/2002 05:44 AM PST

Who you callin' crazy?
Posted by Yzarc Ton @ 05/20/2002 05:55 AM PST

Good morning, Mister Bakalor. [Bitch slap.] Happy Monday after a Sunday before new notes.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/20/2002 07:17 AM PST

Freedunit -- you trying to wreak havoc on my bandwith? [Bitch slap.]
Posted by Craig @ 05/20/2002 07:24 AM PST

Sorry. Perhaps Mister Mark Bakalor can park the file at haineshisway.com. Till then… [Silent bitch slap.]
Posted by freedunit @ 05/20/2002 08:31 AM PST

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