Well, dear readers, I can’t believe it, can you believe it? Just glance over to your left and look what Mr. Mark Bakalor did last night whilst the rest of us were dreaming our dreams. He made us a brand spanking new handy-dandy links to new sections thing. Isn’t it spiffy? Isn’t it just too too? Once you click on the new sections thing you are taken to newsectionsland, where you can click on other things that will take you to other lands, such as nudiemusicalland and BenjaminKritzerland, which is, by the way, located near Switzerland, which is, by the way, home of the swiss cheese slice.

I am extremely nauseous right now. Not because of Mr. Mark Bakalor’s new new sections thing, but because something I ate last night isn’t agreeing with me. I get very annoyed when what I eat doesn’t agree with me. After all, I agree with the food I eat so why shouldn’t the food I eat agree with me. Why are certain foods so damned argumentative, disagreeing for no reason whatsoever? I do hope this feeling passes quickly because I have a breakfast meeting shortly and I would hate to throw up on the table.

The friend I had dinner with last night wanted to watch a DVD when we got back from dinner, something with murder and mayhem. Now, I have a lot of DVDs, as you know, so why did it take a half-hour to choose a film? That’s always the way, isn’t it? It would probably be much easier to choose if I only had two DVDs. Oh, well. She finally settled on Mr. Alfred Hitchcock’s fine motion picture, entitled Shadow of a Doubt, which she’d never seen. I, of course, have seen it many times, but I never tire of it, because the dialogue is wonderful, the plot is wonderful and the performances of the entire cast are wonderful. Only the score by Mr. Dimitri Tiomkin is not wonderful, and I usually like Mr. Dimitri Tiomkin, but this score is like being hit over the head repeatedly by a cast-iron skillet. Joseph Cotton could not be better as Uncle Charlie, a man with a dark secret, and Teresa Wright could not be better as his niece, Charlie. Henry Travers and Hume Cronyn are, as always, wonderful, and Patricia Collinge as Cotton’s sister, is beyond wonderful – a great and extremely touching performance.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Have I mentioned that I’m nauseous? Have I mentioned that I have a breakfast meeting? I must now rush through the rest of these here notes apace because there are lots of your excellent questions to answer. Luckily, I got a head start last night. I almost got an arm start last night but I thought a head start would suit me better. I like being suited better, don’t you, especially if it’s a blue serge suit or all hearts. What the hell am I talking about? Don't I have to proceed apace? Don’t I have questions to answer? Now, I know the temptation will be to click on the new sections thing over on the left, but before you do that, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below and get to the answers to your excellent questions. Then you can come back and click on the new sections thing on the left, and while you’re in the new section, feel free to preorder your signed copy of the Nudie Musical DVD or my very own novel. Well, wasn’t that crass and self-serving of me to say? Click, dear readers, before my crassness makes me throw up.

Well, perhaps we’d better get directly to the answers of your excellent questions. I think we should proceed without delay and proceed apace, otherwise the apace of these here notes will slow to a stand still, and we can’t have notes that stand still because that would be unseemly.

Philip Crosby asks what is the latest on Michelle Nicastro, the wonderful singer with whom I’ve done many recordings? Michelle has two beautiful girls and has been busy being a mommy and moving to a new house. I saw her several weeks ago because she’s going to record the demo for David Wechter’s and my brand spanking new musical comedy. She’s in great shape and in great voice and it was really fun to see her again.

Former lurker Ben asks if we’re ever going to archive all the past radio shows? Well, at some point that may become possible, but not for right now. We’d have to have a lot more webspace and we just can’t do that right now. So, and I’ve asked this before, if you’ve missed shows or would like to hear any over again, please send your suggestions to me and we’ll do a week of reruns, perhaps a different show every day.

JMK mentions that in a previous answer about my producing CDs I said I frequently arranged the material. JMK would like me to elaborate on that comment – specifically do I do the actual charts, or do I make suggestions to the orchestrator. I’d love to elaborate on this topic because I love this topic, hence I shall elaborate. By arranging I mean that I figure out the way we’re going to present the song, i.e. tempo, if there’s going to be an orchestral break in the middle, creating new vamps and sometimes new accompaniment and figuring out the feel of the number. That ranges from totally reconceiving something like If I Were A Bell on Liz Callaway’s first album, or taking Too Darn Hot on my Shakespeare on Broadway album and making it slow (long before the revival did the exact same thing), and also adding all those “heat” song references and the vamp from “Fever”. I love doing stuff like that. On something like the Christiane Noll A Broadway Love Story album, I figured out how all the songs would connect into a story, figured out how to weave music from one song into the underscore of another song – very challenging indeed, and I do that with the aid of my musical director. In the case of Todd Ellison, who I’ve done many albums with, I will generally get the ideas, create vamps and layout and then call him on the phone and he’ll sit at his piano and we’ll hack it out and he records the layout and feel and different accompaniment figures I’ll play or hum over the phone. I’ll use as an example something from our Peter Pan album, the put-together of You Can Fly and I’m Flying. First I figured out how they would fit together seamlessly – starting rubato with You Can Fly and then building into the “fairy dust” section and then I’m Flying. I knew I wanted a very long flying ballet in the middle, something that would really convey flight to the listener in an aural way – I thought and thought and thought, and then one day while walking from 96th Street down to Joe Allen it just came to me – and I stopped at a phone booth (before I had a cell phone!), called Todd and hummed the entire two-and-a-half minute “ballet”, while he recorded me humming. It never changed – and it included the references to Can You Read My Mind from Superman, and Flying from E.T. Todd added one more, from Star Trek. He then makes a chart (I don’t notate so well) which is sent to the orchestrator (in most cases on Todd’s albums, David Siegel). I then talk to David at length about every song, and what I hear in my head, but only generally, because unless it’s something really specific, I want him to have complete freedom within our arrangement. I’m sure everyone has their own way of doing these things, and that is mine. Also on Christiane’s album, we went back and forth and forth and back about using Good Thing Going, and it just never felt right until the “heartbeat” part of the arrangement came to me – listen to it and you’ll hear what I mean – no accompaniment at all, save for a musical pulse or heartbeat for several bars. That kind of thing is so much fun when it works. Anyway, I hope that at least gives you a clue into how my strange mind works.

Laura asks what kind of cheese slices I prefer. Actually, the only kind I ever have in my house these days are Kraft American, the kind with no fat grams. Not necessarily the best cheese slices but they do. Laura also asks what kind of toast I prefer for the shrimp bits on toast. White, of course.

Ron Pulliam would like to know what the dreaded event was on Monday that I hated to think about, hated to write about, and then said that the damn thing hadn’t amounted to much because someone who said they’d be showing up didn’t show up. Well, it’s not something I’d like to talk about, other than to say it’s part of a long ongoing bit of activity that I don’t care for in any way, shape or form. The fact that the people who were supposed to show up, who said they would be showing up, didn’t show up without letting us know speaks volumes.

Mattso asks what in tarnation a “cayuse” is, mentioned in the lyric for Don’t Fence Me In. A cayuse is a small western horse used by cowpokes. Funnily, that word was used in a song in the Cliff Richard musical I watched yesterday, Wonderful Life. Mattso also asks if my brand spanking new musical comedy is for the stage or for film. For the stage. Finally, Mattso asks if I have a favorite Hoagy Carmichael song? Yes, Skylark.

Michael Shayne has several questions: Do I record my albums in the “pop” style or “Original Cast” style – “pop” being laying the music tracks first and then doing the vocals, “original cast” being recording the singer “live” with the orchestra. On the singer and the concept albums, I usually record the tracks first, although if the singer can be there we always do a scratch vocal. The solo albums, the singer always does scratches on all the songs, and frankly, we frequently get lucky and end up using a lot of those takes. I can tell you that although Rebecca Luker had two separate vocal days, virtually ninety percent of her album is from the scratch vocals. Cast albums we record the standard way, singers and band all at once, although I make certain that my singers are isolated, so that if we get a great take and just have to fix a line or two, we can. Cast albums used to have the singers right on the floor with the band and couldn’t do fixes the way I do – they’d have to rerecord the problem bars and then edit. Since I began doing cast albums, I must say just about everyone now isolates the singers so they can do fixes easily. Next, Michael asks if, on the Lost in Boston and Unsung Musicals albums if I felt I had an obligation to use the original orchestrations (if available) and be as authentic as possible, or did I feel it was okay to arrange the songs for a different interpretation and not have it done as it would have been in the show. Well, for Lost in Boston, I generally tried to always capture the feel of the show if I knew what that feel was. That’s why the 110 In The Shade songs all sound of a piece and like they could be used in the show – we used the “style” of Hershey Kay’s orchestrations. Same with I Do! I Do! and the cut songs from Promises, Promises. However, with something like Cole Porter’s Let’s Make It a Night, I had something in my head (I wanted it to sound like Hot Voodoo from Blonde Venus) and I had no idea how it was done in the show. We only used original orchestrations a handful of times – Robert Russell Bennett’s originals for Waiting from The King and I and My Best Love from Flower Drum Song, and Rupert Holmes’s original orchestration for An English Music Hall. Michael specifically mentions having Emily Loesser sing Dear Sweet Sewing Machine instead of a male (the song would have been done by Motel in the show). That was probably a mistake, and Sheldon Harnick was annoyed about it, but I just loved Emily’s voice on that song, so that’s what we did. Which brings us to the next question, did the composers have input? No, not really. But most of the composers who are still living were very happy with their tracks, that much I can tell you. In fact, Steve Sondheim told me what glee he had calling Arthur Laurents and playing him There’s Always a Woman from the Unsung Sondheim album. Next question, how did the idea for the hidden tracks come to be. It just struck me as a funny idea, and once we started them we just couldn’t stop, and people got very fond of them. We didn’t really do all that many – and, of course, in subsequent years, others have jumped on our little bandwagon. Of course, rock albums had done hidden tracks, although I had never really heard any of them. Also, is there any way for them to be truly hidden like easter eggs on DVD. No, the way we did them was kind of the most hidden they can be. Speaking of DVD easter eggs, Nudie Musical has two. Next question: Michael asks what HDCD is, since my mastering engineer, Joe Gastwirt, used it on many of my albums? HDCD is some high definition machine, which creates greater depth and clarity – something to do with bits, although you know I don’t really understand all that. It did seem to make a difference, though, and I really liked the sound we got when we used it. Finally, when I’d release a cast recording (or distribute one, like Best Little Whorehouse Goes Public) do I do anything to spruce it up or do I just release as is. Certainly I do a lot of sprucing in the mastering phase, to make sure it can sound as good as possible. No one really understands the importance of mastering, at least in the showtune market. It is, in fact, as important a step as any involved in the recording of a project, and I’ve heard more albums become mediocre through mediocre mastering than I’d care to mention. For example, if you listen to my remastering of Subways are For Sleeping and compare it to other reissues, I think you’ll hear that Subways is smoother and fuller sounding, at least to my ear it is, and that’s because I work with the best mastering engineer ever. Whew!

Sandra asks how my episode of MASH begins. I watched it on the DVD recently, but I can’t remember, other than the fact that it’s called Ceasefire and has something to do with a ceasefire.

Arnold M. Brockman asks what size screen and what brand of tv I watch my DVDs on. A Mitsubishi 55inch widescreen television. Next, why are DVDs so inexpensive as compared to CDs? Well, that is a question, now isn’t it? I have no answer, other than to say it’s an interesting disparity. Arnold also mentions that the song And This is My Beloved is adapted from a quartet by Borodin, and thinks it would be interesting to do a CD in the symphonic format (four movements) using four songs of any Broadway composer. He asks if I could start with a Sondheim “symphony”. Sure. First movement: Allegro – Into the Woods. Andante – Every Day A Little Death. Scherzo – Another Hundred People. Allegro – The Road You Didn’t Take Into the Woods.

Hapgood asks my opinion on the various versions of Cabaret – original, film, 1986 Hal Prince revival and the 1998 Sam Mendes revival. I think there is one wholly successful version of Cabaret, and that is the original Broadway production. The film is what it is, the 1986 revival didn’t measure up, and the Sam Mendes revival, while interesting, didn’t really knock my socks off like the original did. Hapgood also asks my opinion on the theater history of Ethan Mordden. Not that familiar with it to offer an informed opinion. Are there any other theater historians that I love? I used to enjoy reading Kenneth Tynan, certainly. And I always enjoy anything written by the doyenne of musical theater, Miles Kreuger.

Lolita asks what are some of my favorite last lines/closing scenes from novels, plays, movies, etc. Well, I do love the closing line of To Kill a Mockingbird – “He would be there all night, and he would be there when Jem waked up in the morning.” So simple, so perfect. “This could be the start of a beautiful friendship” from Casablanca. “Nobody’s perfect” from Some Like It Hot. “Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown” from Chinatown. Way too many more from way too many things. Do I subscribe to any magazines or newspapers. No newspapers, but several magazines, including The Perfect Vision. Video Watchdog and Illustration Magazine (this month’s issue has a story on illustrator Robert Maguire and features a full-page image from a painting I own. What are my five or so favorite copies in my book collection. I don’t know whether Lolita means copies in terms of condition, or copies in terms of five favorite first editions that I own. I’ll assume the latter, and say Ross Macdonald’s The Chill (I own possibly the best copy there will ever be of this book, virtually as new, and one of my favorite mystery novels of all-time), my inscribed copy of Gypsy and Anyone Can Whistle, my inscribed copy of Rosemary’s Baby, my pristine UK true first edition of John Wyndham’s marvelous The Midwich Cuckoos (Village of the Damned) and many others, including a pristine copy of O’Neill’s Long Day’s Journey Into Night (very rare in any kind of decent shape, and this copy is as new). Finally, what is my favorite nickname for Dolores? Why, Lolita, of course.

Freedunit has several questions. First he asks aren’t I Guy Haines? No, Guy Haines is Guy Haines – we look nothing alike, just check out the Unseemly Guy Haines photo gallery and you will see that clearly. Why doesn’t Guy Haines know from songs? Guy Haines doesn’t know from songs because he is always playing tennis, all he cares about is racquets and balls, not necessarily in that order. He leaves the songs to me, and he trusts me implicitly in regards to songs while I trust him implicitly in regards to balls. Freedunit apparently missed where I named the cleaning lady – her name is Mayna – as to her sister, I do not know her name, so we can just call her Bird, and then we’ll have Mayna and the Bird. Is it true that Monday I took a spaceship for a scheduled appraisal in the Hollywood Hills, but the aliens did not show and that is why it cannot be discussed? Yes, you hit the nail on the head, although I like to hit the nail on the ear – I find that ever so much more fun. I do hate when aliens don’t show up, don’t you, dear readers. Have the Tonys now and forever become marketing tools – pawns – of road presenters-voters? In all honesty, I have no idea. I do know the Tonys have become one big bore in recent years – I used to love the Tonys, but lately it’s just too slick and too gooey and too not-well produced. I would like to produce a Tony broadcast – I’d show them how it should be done, damn them, damn them all to hell. What does Elaine Stritch have to do for me to come see her in her show? Extend another two months or do it in LA. Will Fade Out-Fade In ever make it to CD? Eventually – everything will make it to CD, except maybe a handful of titles where the company isn’t willing to license. As most of you know I had embarked on a large reissue program which others are now carrying on, plus DRG has joined the fray, so it’s a good time for reissues right now, because the original companies don’t seem to be interested in doing reissues right now. That is because they simply don’t sell enough for the majors. Sad, but true. Will I ever own Juno and I’m Getting My Act Together and Taking It On The Road on CD? Well, since I am responsible for putting both those albums in the works, I’m ever hopeful someone somewhere will send me them. Oh, yes, I’m ever hopeful. Would the bitch-slap make a good party dance? Yes, as a tawdry second cousin to the Pudding Dance, the bitch-slap dance would be fine and dandy and also dandy and fine. What is appropriate fare for vegetarians at a celebration? Well, dear reader Laura suggests soy ham chunks, but I don’t know from soy ham chunks. I, of course, recommend an artichoke or any other mutant vegetable, especially certain forms of squash. Would I ever consider a special bitch-slap section here at haineshisway.com where people could go to bitch-slap themselves silly? Yes, I would, but it would take Mr. Mark Bakalor three years to get it up and running, so who knows if it will ever happen?

Craig asks me to paint a picture for our dear readers of what I think heaven would be like for me. Well, first off, one thing I cannot do at all is paint, let’s just get that out of the way right now. I have no talent or aptitude for painting other than the ability to appreciate it. Heaven for me would be loaded with roses – yes, roses everywhere. Heaven would also have a room where I could sit on a couch like so much fish all the live-long day. Heaven would have all my favorite films, Broadway shows, books, etc. And heaven would have all my wonderful friends. What would hell be like, Craig then asks? Well, the opposite of heaven, I should think. Hell would have nothing I liked and would be populated with people I abhor (you know who you are), people who are evil, people who would cause others harm for no other reason than spitefulness and willfulness. There would be no couches in hell and that is why I simply will not go there. I will leave hell to the people who deserve to be there, that is what I shall do. What are some of my pet peeves? Well, I once had a dog named Peeves and he was one of my pet Peeves. Another pet peeve is hell. I don’t like people who are inept. I don’t like people who are bigoted. I don’t like people who don’t return phone calls or e-mails in a timely fashion. I don’t like hot dogs made out of turkey and conversely I don’t like turkey made out of hot dogs. I don’t like most movies today. I don’t like poorly produced or poorly thought out albums. I don’t like head cheese. I don’t like people who don’t deliver on what they promise. I don’t like ants. I don’t like tepid water in the shower. Those are some of my pet peeves and I hope you’ve enjoyed hearing about them. Finally, did Meltz and Ernest ever write a song about a marsupial? No, I have scoured their songbooks and I see no such song. They did once write a song about that crusty sleep stuff in one’s eyes when one wakes up.

When the sleep hits your eye
Like the crust of a pie
That’s that crusty sleep stuff.
It is yellow and hard
And as big as a yard
That crusty sleep stuff.

A fine song, in my opinion. Well, that’s today’s answers to yesterday’s questions, and I hope they are to your liking. If any questions came in this morning I’ll try to answer them when I get back from my breakfast meeting. Today’s topic of discussion: Do what I did earlier, as one of our dear readers asked me to – make a symphony using four songs of one composer. I’ve done mine, now it’s your turn.