Well, dear readers, here we are, writing our 201st BK’s Notes. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? We have had our celebration and we have worn our pointy party hats for far too long and now it is time to get back to the daily grind. And yet, it is not time to get back to the daily grind because this, dear readers, is a holiday weekend, Memorial Day weekend to hit the nail on the head, foot, or even butt cheek. Yes, we have hit the proverbial nail on the proverbial butt cheek and we are the better for it. I wonder if we could have hit the nail on the antiverbial head, foot, or even butt cheek? Yes, that is what I wonder, and I wonder as I wander and, conversely, wander as I wonder. Won’t somebody put me under so when I wonder as I wander I won’t go asunder? Well, the 201st BK’s Notes have begun in fine fashion (little pink poodle skirt with matching blouse and pumps). The only question that needs be asked is the following: What the hell am I talking about?

I have many things to do on this long weekend. For example, today I will be going to yet another rare book fair, with my rare friend, Mr. Grant Geissman. After that, I will be going to see the rare Miss Nancy Dussault at the Gardenia. First, I will sup at the Gardenia, because you can’t get a fershluganah table at the Gardenia unless you sup. So, sup I will, damn them all, damn them all to hell. Tomorrow night, I shall be attending a “bad movie night” with a group of people who have a private e-mail chat thing – I am providing the bad movie and it is Mr. Alfred E. Green’s Invasion USA, which I spoke of in these here notes just a few short weeks ago. On Monday, I shall sit on my couch like so much fish and contemplate the world at large. When I am through contemplating the world at large I shall eat a sardine, just because one should eat a sardine once every forty-three years.

Well, dear readers, you know what today is, don’t you? Of course, you do, because you are loyal and true Hainsies/Kimlets and we do have our routine here at haineshisway.com. Today is our Unseemly Trivia Contest question and I shall be asking it quite quite soon.

I have decided that what I should really be doing this weekend is surfing because my hair now has so many blonde bits in it that I look like a surfer dude. I am tan and toned and buff with abs and buns of steel, and don’t you think I should be showing off to one and all and also all and one? Don’t you think I should be showing off whilst wearing my cut-off jeans and tight t-shirt? Of course, why should I show off? Has off ever showed me? I’ve had it with off frankly, and I am now swearing off off. Damn off. There, I have sworn off.

Have you thought about refried beans? Now, that is a segue if I’ve ever heard one. Do you suppose they fry the beans and then fry them again? Wouldn’t that just kill those beans dead. Wouldn’t that just be Frijoles Muerte? I mean refrying beans is redundant, isn’t it? I don’t think they refry those damned beans, I think that is a publicity ploy to try to make fried beans seem interesting. So they put that little “re” in front of “fried” so people will think, “Wow, they went to all the trouble to fry these beans twice – I’d better buy and eat these beans”. On top of all that, those refried beans certainly don’t look like they were fried, do they? They don’t look like fried chicken, or French fries or even Swedish fries. No, they look like plain old beans is what they look like. I think this whole refried beans thing is a sham of a fake of a lie, that’s what I think. I think they are having us on, refried bean-wise. I say we boycott the refried beans until the truth comes out, because the truth is out there – yes, let us boycott the beans until they own up to the fact that they are pulling the wool and even the cotton and the silk over our collective eyes. Well, baby, fool us once, fool us twice, but you will never fool us thrice, because that’s not nice to fool thrice. Excuse me, but can someone tell me if I’ve really just written an entire paragraph about refried beans?

Well, there is no way to follow a paragraph about refried beans, so the only thing left to do is click on the Unseemly Button below. Yes, that is the only thing left to do, although we could look for something right to do. Oh, the hell with it, let’s click and be done with it before someone tries to foist some refried beans on us.

Well, I must hurry and finish these here notes because Mr. Grant Geissman is on his way to my very own home and I shall not be ready when he arrives. So, let us get right to the Unseemly Trivia Contest question, shall we?

As far as I know, in the world of musicals there have only been two that were written by pop songwriters who were known for an incredible string of top-ten hits. Now, I mean book musicals, not revues such as Smokey Joe’s Café. And I want to put an emphasis on top-ten hits. In other words, while Randy Newman’s Faust would be a fine guess, Mr. Newman really hasn’t had any top-ten hits or if he has he certainly hasn’t had an incredible string of them. Name the pop songwriters and the two book musicals they wrote. One of them is obviously very easy, the other a bit less so. Bonus question: One of the two musicals has another major connection to the top-ten pop world. What is the connection? Good luck to one and all and also all and one.

Remember: DO NOT POST YOUR ANSWERS HERE AT HAINESHISWAY.COM. e-mail them to me by using the handy-dandy Ask Bruce button, or by sending it to bruce@haineshisway.com. You have until Monday at midnight to submit your answers. And remember, the Highest Winner will receive a sparkling prize. Also, we’ll have a brand spanking new The Broadway Radio Show up tomorrow, with special guest, composer/lyricist Wayne Moore, who will do what I did two weeks ago, and choose twelve favorite showtunes. Having seen his list, I think you’ll find it most interesting and most strange, which is, of course, the fun of such things.

Have I mentioned that I do not understand the refried bean, that the refried bean is a mystery to me? The Case of the Refried Bean by Erle Stanley Gardner. Did you know that Meltz and Ernest wrote a song about Mr. Erle Stanley Gardner’s Perry Mason? It was at the height of the televsion show, which starred Raymond Burr. Here it is.

I FEEL LIKE PERRY MASON Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

You’re a mystery to me, dear,
Do you like me? Do you hate me?
Will you ignore me? Will you date me?
Yes, you’re a mystery to me, dear
And I’d like to solve the case
So that we can then embrace…

I feel like Perry Mason
When he’s chasin’ those clues.
I’m sleuthing for a true thing
That will give me the news
Whether you’d like to come and hug me
Or have somebody drug me
And throw me in the ocean with the scrod
Yes, I feel like Perry Mason and that’s odd.

I feel like Perry Mason
When he’s facin’ the judge.
I’m sweating but I’m betting
That the judge will not budge.
I need to know if you adore me
Or if you just abhor me
And want me to be like a missing shoe
Oh, I feel like Perry Mason, yes, I do.

But Perry’s very good
He doesn’t lose a case.
So, come and take my hand
And forget about the mace.

I feel like Perry Mason
When he’s racin’ the clock.
He prizes those surprises
And delivers a shock.
And the shock is, babe, I love you
I’m only thinking of you
So marry me and move into my place.
And this Perry Mason will have won his case
Yes, this Perry Mason will have won his case!

Isn’t that a fine Perry Mason song? Meltz and Ernest never cease to amaze me.

In any Perry Mason case, I must away now, I must take the day, I must do the things I do. Today’s topic of discussion: Yesterday we had favorite dance numbers from original film musicals – today, let’s have favorite dance numbers from film musicals which are adapted from Broadway shows. I’ll start: America from West Side Story, Onna White’s brilliant Seventy-Six Trombones from The Music Man, Bob Fosse’s Money, Money from Cabaret, Bob Fosse’s Rich Man’s Frug from Sweet Charity, and Mr. Grant Geissman has arrived so I must stop. Your turn, and remember don’t post the trivia answer here on the site. I shall return later to see your excellent posts.