haines his way

05/27/2002:
"A SOUPCON OF NOTES"

Well, dear readers, it is the final day of our three-day holiday. I hope you’re all having a wonderfully relaxing time. I hope we have all been barbecuing our weiners and, I hope we have all been wearing our Speedos and tight t-shirts and I hope we have all been sitting in our easy chairs like so much fish. Unfortunately, all of my chairs are difficult, so I sit on my easy couch like so much fish. How many of you have easy chairs? How many of you have chairs that give you a hard time? How many of you know what the hell I’m talking about?
Last night I attended a “movie night” with a group of people, many of them comedy writers and comedians. The idea is that you show a really bad movie and everyone comments rudely throughout. I provided the film last night, Invasion USA, and the evening was a big hit all-around. I also brought my favorite Jack Benny Show episode to start things off, and I must tell you that all of these hardened comic types were roaring with laughter. It is simply one of the funniest half-hours ever. I’ve talked about in these here notes before, so if you want details merely use our handy-dandy search box and type in “Jack Benny”. The house where “movie night” took place was located in Bel Air, way up Stone Canyon Road. Now, I have to say that no matter how wonderful and huge the house, there is no way I would live in them thar hills. I do not like small windy roads. I do not like when one tiny windy driveway services four different houses. I need flat and straight, not windy and curvy. I don’t like to be on any street that doesn’t have room for two cars on opposite sides, that just makes me too too nervous. In any case, windy roads notwithstanding, the evening was fun and there was a lot of wacky foodstuffs (but no cheese slices or ham chunks – these people don’t know from cheese slices and ham chunks – these are Junior Mints people). Also, the video projection system was so four years ago – I’m sorry, but if you live on a windy street in a multi-million dollar house then get with it, video-wise.
Yesterday, as those who read the notes know, we had a side order of notes, because, after all, this is a holiday weekend and most of you are off wearing your Speedos, oiling your bodies, cooking your weanies, and sitting in your easy and/or difficult chairs. Therefore, today we will have not a side order, but a soupcon of notes. I feel that every now and then one simply must have a soupcon of something and today it will be a soupcon of notes. The only question that remains is what type of soupcon it will be – shall it be tomato soupcon, cream of mushroom soupcon, or onion soup fondue soupcon, or perhaps a mélange of all three put together, kind of a tomoto mushroom onion fondue soupcon. Has anyone noticed that I just wrote “tomoto” when I meant “tomato”? With one slip of a finger I have created a new word, and it’s a fine one, don’t you think? “Tomoto”. Well, now that “tomoto” has entered our lexicon (whatever the hell that is) now we shall have to come up with a meaning for it. Perhaps “tomoto” can be a musical term, i.e. molto tomoto or tomoto vivace. Yes, I like that. Tomoto can be sort of a cross between tranquillo and agitato. Of course, if want a cross between tranquillo and agitato (and who doesn’t?) shouldn’t it be trangitato? No, we’ll need to come up with something better for tomoto. While we are thinking on it, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below before tomoto sets in? And the sooner we click on that Unseemly Button below the sooner you’re going to find out our big news for the day.

I knew that news of big news would get you clicking away fast and it did, didn’t it? Well, the big news is that Mr. Mark Bakalor has been slaving away over a hot computer all the livelong weekend and he has completed his designs for all of our brand spanking new products. If you go back to our home page and click on the new sections link, there you will find yet more links – now you will not only be able to purchase signed copies of the Nudie Musical DVD and my novel, but you’ll be able to buy products for both, such as all manner of t-shirts, golf shirts, various and sundried mugs, an apron, a tote bag, a cooler, a tile coaster, mouse pad, and many more. They are all totally cooliscious, and even I have ordered one of everything and let me tell you I don’t get a discount and I don’t make any money. But we must have our products. We are simply not with it if we don’t have our products. So do check them out, they are simply too too.
Has anyone thought of a good definition for “tomoto” yet? Come on now, put on your thinking caps (oh, there are Nudie Musical and Benjamin Kritzer thinking caps, too), we must have the perfect definition for “tomoto”. For example, is a “tomoto” a thing? Or is “tomoto” something you do? I suppose I could be all hoity-toity and also toity-hoity and say is it an adjective or verb, but I like thing and something you do better, don’t you? In other words, would we say, “Today I shall tomoto, because yesterday I totally forgot to tomoto”? Or would we say, “Have you seen my tomoto lately? I’ll show it to you now as long as you promise not to scream”?
Well, as you may have heard, today I am doing a tomato mushroom onion fondue soupcon of notes. Tomorrow we shall have our regular portion of these here notes, but today a soupcon will have to do because, after all, we are all wearing our Speedos, oiling our collective bodies, barbecuing our wieners and sitting in our easy or difficult chairs. Today’s topic of discussion: Come up with the perfect definition of “tomoto”. Also, what is your favorite flavor of ice cream? I’ll start: My current favorite flavor of ice cream is that Ben and Jerry’s flavor that has coconut, fudge chips and almonds. I could just eat a quart of that right now. However, first I have to eat the vat of rice pudding that my friend Cissy Wechter made for me. I had some last night and I am here to tell you it is too too delicious, especially with the homemade whipped cream she brought with it. It was so good, in fact, that immediately upon finishing a bit of it, I did the Rice Pudding dance. Your turn.

Replies: 42 Unseemly Comments

As Mr. Moto said Tomoto Jr.pass the Tomatahs.
Posted by Arnold M.Brockman @ 05/27/2002 10:10 AM PST

Ice cream: Until my last five pounds are gone, my motto is "Smelling it is as good as eating it." But when I DO have some, anything with chocolate. Especially chunks of chocolate.
Has anyone else noticed that the picture of Benjamin Kritzer looks just like Guy Haines when he was a boy?
Posted by Laura @ 05/27/2002 10:13 AM PST

Your Grammar Lesson for Today
In Esperanto, -ato is the passive present participle ending. So, if tomi were a verb (it isn't, far as I know) meaning, say "to Tom", then tomato would be "something that is being Tommed".
Moving right along to the future passive participle (-oto) and the past passive participle (-ito), we would have tomoto, "something that is going to be Tommed", and tomito, "something that has already been Tommed.
Chapter Review
tomato = being Tommed.
tomoto = about to be Tommed.
tomito = already Tommed.
Now pay attention. This is all going to be (estonta) on your final.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/27/2002 10:19 AM PST

As John F. Marquand said to Moto "Let's go seek Peter Lorre" When the money came in Mr. Marquand raised his Martini glass and said To Mr.Lorre "Here's TOMOTO"
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 05/27/2002 10:20 AM PST

Or did you mean that Japanese film star, Sushi Tomoto?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/27/2002 10:32 AM PST

Favorite ice cream? Hmm. I do not often eat ice cream, although when I do I usually like it. A real good old-fashioned chocolate is good. Brooklyn Ice Cream factory has an excellent one—very fresh, very clean taste. I also like Howard Johnson’s chocolate, if you can believe it. Nothing against Häagen-Dazs, but I like it old-fashioned, lighter and airier, more milky than dense with butterfat. Chocolate. Chocolate chocolate-chip. Mint chip. Chocolate mint chip. I do like Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie™ Ice Cream a lot, but have not had it in quite a while. And just to show I do not dislkike Häagen-Dazs, I enjoyed its Dulce de Leche and Pralines and Cream, both of which are good with chocolate brownies, hot fudge or both.
Japanese and Braille Esperanto translations, please.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/27/2002 11:02 AM PST

Has anyone else noticed that the first section notes (pre Unseemly Button) appear two count them two times? Has anyone else noticed that the first section notes (pre Unseemly Button) appear two count them two times? Am I seeing double? I've alerted Mr. Mark Bakalor and hopefully he will delete one count them one of them. Did you know that if you click on the first Unseemly Button none of these posts show up - no, one must click on the second Unseemly Button to see the Unseemly Posts. That is heinous (heinous, do you hear me?).
Posted by bk @ 05/27/2002 11:40 AM PST

Homemade Prune ice-cream for me. My partner makes it and first soaks the prunes in brandy before blending them and adding them to softened ice-cream before re-freezing. I insist on referring to the prunes as plums as they have been rehydrated.
Can't quite take to sitting around in speedos. (Last days of autumn here). Speedos used to be referred to as "The Great Aussie Cossie". Now they are American. Australians have this annoying characteristic of abbreviating so many words in conversation. Cossie - costume. Breaky - breakfast etc.
I thought tomotos were marbles of a sort - "I have lost my tomotos" (gone mad).
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 05/27/2002 02:14 PM PST

Dear Bruce Kimmel San:
I want to thank you for mentioning me in your column. As my agent says, money can't buy that kind of publicity.
Let me urge all my American fans to run right out to their friendly neighborhood video store and buy and/or rent my latest direct-to-video megahit Ninja Geisha IV: The Tea Ceremony.
And please visit my web site for news of my upcoming classic megahit Butterfly's Revenge.
Posted by Sushi Tomoto from Kyoto @ 05/27/2002 02:21 PM PST

Are you telling me that no one has favorite flavors of ice cream? Are you telling me that no one can come up with more definitions of tomoto? Are you telling me that people are too busy barbecuing their weiners in their Speedos (no mean feat) to post today? Is that what you're telling me? Harumphhh.
By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo), don't forget to submit your trivia guesses - contest ends midnight tonight.
Posted by bk @ 05/27/2002 04:43 PM PST

My Favorite Ice Cream of all time is Hagan Daz's RUM RAISEN. YUM!!!
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 05/27/2002 06:36 PM PST

Excuse me----RUM RAISIN!!!
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 05/27/2002 06:41 PM PST

My favourite ice cream is Grape Nut flavour, from Greg's at Bloor and Avenue in Toronto. Yes, it's basically vanilla ice cream with grape nuts in it - and yes, it's much, much better than it sounds.
Their burnt marshmallow flavour is also very, very nice.
Posted by Stephen Farrow @ 05/27/2002 06:43 PM PST

Alright. Ice cream. In no order at all:
Baskin-Robbins' Winter White Chocolate
Haagen-Dasz Vanilla Fudge
also their Strawberry
also their Dulce de Leche
Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia
This are all at their best eaten in one or two scoops on a sugar cone (not a waffle cone) strolling after dinner and visiting with someone nice. OR right out of the carton as youstand over the kitchen sink in the middle of the night.
As for tomoto, if we use William F. Orr's definition, I think I was tommed once. Yes, I was. You see, there was this boy named Tom, and we... Oh, better not.
Wasn't Tomoto one of the three maids of Japan in "The Mikado"?
Posted by Kerry @ 05/27/2002 06:47 PM PST

tomoto (n.): the feeling people have when the answer to the trivia question has been posted on the message board rather than e-mailed.
i.e. When Francois posted the answer, we're all in tomoto over his posting!
Presumably, you may also "be in a tomoto" or "tomoto" (as vb.)
Posted by Paul Fairie @ 05/27/2002 06:57 PM PST

I wasn't in my Speedo today (I may don it later or joe it later or bill it later as the case may be. Why should Don get all the glory?) I had to work again, and I don't think they would have appreciated me in a Speedo (it's an acquired taste). I think I'll go put it on now and dance around the living room. What music should I play, do you suppose?
Posted by Kerry @ 05/27/2002 07:27 PM PST

tomoto is not actually a word.. in fact, it's an acronym which stands for a vigilante group fighting couch potatoism
Terminate
Overt
Makers
Of
Television
Oppression
I suggest you steer clear whenever you see someone wearing such a logo on a shirt, hat or sledgehammer.
Posted by Craig @ 05/27/2002 07:31 PM PST

edy's capucino chocolate chip
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/27/2002 07:35 PM PST

Weeell, since Mr. Bruce has taken us to task...
My Joe's favorite is usually Hägen Dasz Chocolate. But on special occasions, such as Memorial Day, I buy him a couple of boxes of Dove Bars, not the kind with vanilla in the middle, but the ones with mild chocolate over chocolate.
My Joe is a choclaholic from the get-go (there's a word for your analysis, Bruce), as is his whole family.
Now me, I really like Almond Praline, but it is so sinfully sweet, and I can hardly ever find it.
So most times I buy Edy's Vanilla, but I add whatever I find in the refrigerator: rasberris, blueberries, kiwi fruit, bananas, and--yes, Stephen--grapenuts. Used to like peanuts, too, before I had four molars extracted. Sometimes I mush in some honey or black-strap mollases.
And then--the pièce de la résistance--buttermilk! Either ya love it or ya hate it.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/27/2002 08:05 PM PST

I can't speak for other legendary megastars of the silver screen, but as for myself I prefer Cherry Chocolate, especially the way they make it at Tadaki's Ice Cream Emporium and Sushi Bar in Kyoto.
Kisses to you all,
Your Sushi
Posted by Sushi Tomoto from Kyoto @ 05/27/2002 08:09 PM PST

Favorite Ice-Cream: Green Tea Ice-cream. The kind you get at better sushi places. Mmmmmm.
Tomoto: (personal pronoun) The father of renowned hunchback of Notre Dame Quasimoto, Tomoto was actually a hunchfront.
That reminds me of a story. A woman sees a hunchback at a bar and sits down. "You look familiar", she says. He replies, "Does Quasimoto ring a bell?"
Posted by Mattso @ 05/27/2002 09:03 PM PST

Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. Yum!
Posted by Sandra @ 05/27/2002 09:10 PM PST

It is not barbecuing weiners in their Speedos that comes to mind. Oh, yeah, and I am also vegetarian, but not vegan, for sometimes I have ice cream. Edy’s is O.K.—usually it is better than I remember it on those rare occasions I have it—but it does contain a ridiculous volume of emulsifiers that very much alter the mouth-feel. Still, I do enjoy Edy’s chocolate ice cream with brownie bits and some of the other similarly conceived flavors. However, I do not like nuts in ice cream, unless it is a praline-filled one. I do like cake and cream. I love chocolate—some who know me call me a chocoholic and chocolate connoisseur—and I used to love the original Dove Bars. I am from Chicago and so are Dove Bars, and when they went national, they changed and not for the better—just like Uno’s Pizza. The original Uno’s Pizza, made in the original 1943 pizza pans, is vastly superior to the franchise and frozen and/or refrigerated versions. Similary, Dove Bars were fresher, cleaner-tasting and rich but better balanced when they were hand-made. Yes, they used to be hand-made. Yum.
Tomoto: What a Southerner says when he rips open his toe.
The Ethel Merman Disco Album on compact disc: When? Where? How? Please help. Must acquire.
Any thoughts on the following as candidates for CD issue?
1. Once Upon a Mattress Dody Goodman
2. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Uta Hagen, Arthur Hill, Melinda Dillon, George Grizzard
3. Hello, Dolly! Mary Martin
Posted by freedunit @ 05/27/2002 09:11 PM PST

Well, somebody bitch-slap me.
I posted much earlier today and my post is totally GONE.
Gone, DO YOU HEAR ME? Vanished!
POOF!
Where did it go?
Of my original post, I can only remember one thing, and it was about the word "tomoto."
A tomoto is a gay tomato.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/27/2002 09:25 PM PST

And did I fail to mention that I consider it heinous that my original post is missing?
Heinous, I say!
Something else I remember from my first post:
"Tomoto" is the Asian breed of the dog we know as "Toto."
That fairly sucks, I know.
I like my earlier definition better.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/27/2002 09:37 PM PST

The Mystery of the Missing Pulliam Post by Agatha Christie.
Earlier you might remember that the first section of notes had somehow printed twice with two unseemly buttons. Everyone who posted seemed to do so by using the second of the buttons - when Mr. Mark Bakalor deleted the extra first section he did the first one, so anyone who posted by using the first Unseemly Button saw their post disappear into the black hole of haineshisway.com. And that is where Mr. Pulliam's Post must have gone. Don't blame me, blame it on Rio, blame it on the Bossa Nova or Put the Blame on Hello, Dolly.
Posted by bk @ 05/27/2002 09:50 PM PST

I am glad to see that you are spreading blame among Jerry Herman shows. It is much better than always putting the blame on Mame. I am putting the blame on Parade right now, and soon I will be putting the blame on Milk and Honey, but that is for breakfast.
A short while ago, I returned from the final Broadway performance of Elaine Stritch: At Liberty. It was just fabulous. It was a benefit for the Actors’ Fund of America and, of course, it was a terrific, receptive, demonstrative audience. Among the noteworthy sited were Charles Kimbrough & Beth Howland, Barbara Cook, Sean Hayes of the much-Hainsie-Kimmlet-maligned Will & Grace, Ileana Douglas who was just yesterday done Surviving Grace Off-Broadway, and, of coruse, John Lahr and George C. Wolfe. I think Stritch’s performance tonight of “I’m Still Here” is the best I have seen her do it, which is saying a lot. Certainly her performance of the show, which started strong, has deepened and become more assured, and yet she makes it all seem so off-hand and spontaneous that if you have seen it only once you might think she were ad-libbing. And she is seventy-seven years old! While she is onstage nearly forty years dissolve away. Except for an occasional moment or two, there is virtually no suggestion of her true age. She is timeless and inspiringly energetic. For those of you who have not seen the show and would like to see it, I hope she tours—as you know it has been much discussed—and I hope you get to see the show. I hear that London and Los Angeles are likely. Also, I hope it has not been overhyped for you. On my way home, I was thinking it is often best to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised, and I was afraid I might have overhyped it to some.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/27/2002 10:19 PM PST

freedunit:
Not possible to overhype. All you have to do is watch her act. Every little nuance utter perfection and tossed off with such ease and nonchalance, she gives the impression that she is just chatting with us and MAY have thought of one or two of these things before.
She even conveyed being 13 or in love for the first time, and there was a fresh eagerness to her eyes, and you believed her. Isn't that what acting is all about?
Posted by Kerry @ 05/27/2002 10:30 PM PST

Kerry, yes, exactly my point. I just want others to have the experience and it would be great if they could discover it for themselves. It is a savvy crowd here, so no doubt they will. Having seen the show three-and-a-half times, I know it is all scripted, and very smartly so, and brilliantly acted. And Stritch delved even deeper into certain moments tonight than one might have thought possible—especially the curtain speech. Very touching.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/27/2002 10:46 PM PST

The only way we here in Australia will get to see Ms Stritch will be if someone has decided to video the show. Any news anyone? I would even be prepared to buy a DVD player if necessary! I will have to return to the work force to do that!
Are there any Eurovision song contest fans out there! It was held on Saturday night in Estonia. Collecting the songs has been a hobby for the past 40+ years. (and YES I know they are mostly dreadful - that is the beauty).
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 05/27/2002 11:09 PM PST

Tom From Oz: Certainly Elaine Stritch: At Liberty should be filmed and preserved. Perhaps PBS Great Performances or even Egg, in a departure, will record it. Egg did broadcast a brief profile of Stritch, as did CBS News 60 Minutes.
I wonder what Stritch will do after At Liberty.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/27/2002 11:42 PM PST

Just wanted to post a quick note that I'm back from DC having just seen an AMAZING production of Sweeney Todd w/Baranski & Stokes-Mitchell. Will post a longer note later when I'm more organized. Since I just got back to the office, I have to wade through e-mails etc (this darn job, why can't I just post here all day and get paid for it). Also saw Company. My favorite ice-cream, btw, is Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk
Posted by Ben @ 05/28/2002 06:06 AM PST

Ben and Jerry's Bovinity Divinity
Posted by Mark L. @ 05/28/2002 06:08 AM PST

Mark, I think you meant to say that Bovinity Divinity is UDDERLY delicious.
Posted by The Punster @ 05/28/2002 06:51 AM PST

Freedunit, Elaine is in her HOME STRITCH
Posted by The Punster @ 05/28/2002 06:54 AM PST

Incidently, Disney scrapped their original idea for an animated feature called Lilo and Stritch.
Posted by The Punster @ 05/28/2002 07:14 AM PST

The Punster seems familiar and irregularly regular, so let us see if I can get his attention rather than having to pun-ish. Happy unseemly Tuesday-that-seems-like-a-Monday-morning.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/28/2002 07:14 AM PST

I'll let you puntificate on this one a bit longer Freedunit
Posted by The Punster @ 05/28/2002 07:20 AM PST

If you want to play it that way, fine. Let the punishment fit the rhyme.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/28/2002 07:37 AM PST

Thanks to BK for the explanation about my missing post. I guess the lesson was that any time verbiage appears below "Unseemly Button," we must always scroll down and see if another button appears.
"Open a new window
"Open a new door
"Travel a new highway
"That's never been tried before
"Before you find you're a dull fellow.....
I felt like it!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/28/2002 09:04 AM PST

If you want to sing out, sing out!
And if you want to be you, be you!
Posted by Kerry @ 05/28/2002 09:11 AM PST

Ron, I agree with Kerry. It’s today. Why not? For an unseemly moment there, I was afraid she was going to call you Louise and that bitch-slapping would ensue, but thankfully she did not and it did not.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/28/2002 10:56 AM PST

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