haines his way

05/31/2002:
"THE SURPRISE ON THE PORCH"

Well, dear readers, here is how my morning began: I was awakened at 8:00 a.m. by a ringing telephone (well, it’s hard to be awakened by a non-ringing telephone, although stranger things have happened). It was my friend Grant Geissman who said he was coming to pick up some stuff I’ve been trying to get him. I thought that meant he was on his way from his house to mine. I was incorrect. He was calling me from my front door. So, groggily I arose and answered the door. He asked me if I always had the heads of dead animals on my porch. I thought that was a rather Samuel Beckett-like greeting, so I chuckled. Then he asked it again. Then I looked down and there, lying on my porch like so much fish, was the head of a dead animal. I looked away so quickly that what type of animal’s head it was didn’t register. I then instructed him to pick up the welcome mat which had become its final resting place and take it to the trash can that was still out in front of my very own home. He did that and that was that. Now, why was there the head of a dead animal on my porch? Who put it there? For example, if the head of the dead animal and been in my bed, I would have known that my close personal friend, Don Corleone, had left it for me. I suppose a scenario could be that the squirrel on the roof, who has been residing there since I moved in, left it for me as payment for all the oranges he’s eaten off my orange tree. Yes, that is a fine scenario. Another scenario could be that an uncouth interloper might have left it for me – certainly I wouldn’t put anything past an uncouth interloper, would you? I actually think this happened once before, when I first moved in, but I simply find it very unnerving to find the head of a dead animal on the front porch at 8:00 in the morning.
When we made my novel available for preorder, I alluded to the fact that people who ordered their signed copies here might just get a special handy-dandy surprise when they received their book. I can now tell you that the handy-dandy surprise is a definite, but will only be sent with the first batch of orders. So, if you haven’t ordered yet but are planning to, I would do so within the next week, because that is when I have to place my order for how many copies I’ll need. The other exciting book news is that we may just be doing a signing at a very prestigious book store here in Los Angeles, California. I’ll keep you posted, but it looks good at this point.
Well, today is Friday, which apparently is a good day to get the head of a dead animal. I shall keep these here notes short today because of the novel-like length of yesterday’s notes. In fact, why tarry further, let’s all collectively click on the Unseemly Button below before we are all collectively bitch-slapped by… Now wait just a darned minute – do you think Mr. Mark Bakalor left the head of a dead animal on my porch? Let us ponder that probability whilst we click away.

Have I mentioned that I found the head of a dead animal on my porch this morning? Well, actually Grant Geissman found it, but that is neither here nor there nor there nor here.
Well, dear readers, I finally picked up my very own brand spanking new copy of the brand spanking new CD release of Li’l Abner. It has instantly become my favorite CD release of the year. From the minute the overture begins (in glorious binaural stereo) one is transported to glorious musical comedy heaven. You realize instantly how wonderful it was to have composers like Gene de Paul who could write instantly memorable and wonderful tunes. The rest of the album is in mono, but sounds much better than the original CD release, which was thin and tinny sounding. There are a couple of never-before-released tracks, such as “What’s Good for General Bullmoose” and a rehearsal take (I guess they decided not to do a real take) of the Sadie Hawkins Ballet, which is also in glorious binaural sound. How wonderful to have that track, rehearsal clams and all. There are also some bonus tracks, which are fun. I must say I was a bit disappointed with Mr. Ken Mandelbaum’s notes for this release, which just seemed to lie there like so much fish. I think notes for a Li’l Abner booklet should be fun – these are extremely dry, although it was great to learn that the show was originally going to be written by Alan Jay Lerner. One can only imagine – we would have had such great Abner songs as I’m an Ordinary Shmoo, Thank Heaven For Little Skraggs, Hurry, It’s Yokum Up Here, They Call the Wind McSwine, well, the mind boggles. Oh, yes, the mind boggles. Anyway, this is a must-have release and if you have a Tower near you it is currently on sale for $7.99, along with the other new releases in this series, My Fair Lady, Oklahoma! (With Florence Henderson), Barnum and I think one other.
How I love the score of Li’l Abner. Practically every song is a gem, and to my mind there are several musical theater classics, including It’s a Typical Day, I’m Past My Prime, Namely You, Jubilation T. Cornpone, The Country’s In The Very Best of Hands and on and on and on. Here’s a historical question: Was this the first show to use an electric guitar? It may very well have been. Congratulations to Didier Deutsch on a job well done. Now all we need is the Percy Faith version of the score and a proper release of the film soundtrack (I do prefer whoever sang for Leslie Parrish to Edie Adams, but that is a minor caveat).
Last night I attended a dinner at the home of someone I went to high school with – she made a lovely brisket of beef, potatoes, salad and corn-on-the-cob. She was a year ahead of me in high school but we knew each other because we were both in the drama department. She started reminding me of all the shows and scenes we’d done together, and it was funny how it all came back to me instantly. That we’d had the gall to do an hour of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf (in high school – in 1964!), that we’d done The Crucible and The Skin of Our Teeth together, and that we’d done Miss Dorothy Parker’s one-act playlet, Here We Are. The minute she said that title, I started doing the opening dialogue. Now, it’s not that the opening dialogue is difficult; it’s the fact that I haven’t seen or thought of Here We Are in forty years. The brain is an amazing thing, isn’t it? She showed me her yearbook and by gum and by golly there I was in a photo of our little drama club. Most photos I see from back then I at least resemble what I look like now – in this one I don’t look anything like anyone I ever knew, least of all me. First off, I am wearing an extremely ugly jacket that I have absolutely no memory of. Second off, I don’t appear to have my mouth – the mouth in this photo does not look like it belongs to me, and yet it must. Third off, I must have been having a very peculiar hair day. In this particular yearbook I was in the second-half of the eleventh grade. I went to the tenth grade photos and guess who I saw; guess who was a brand new student at Hamilton High School that year? Why our very own Susan Gordon, that’s who. There she was, cute as a button and twice as short as everyone else in her class.
Dear French reader Francois pointed out that I misspelled the word béarnaise in yesterday’s notes. I knew that, because the spell checker told me so, but I didn’t like the way it looked so I left the “a” in “bear” out. Having that “a” in “bear” made me think the sauce came from the innards of a bear and that just made me want to throw up, so I left it the way I had it, bérnaise.
Don’t forget, tomorrow is our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest, so be sure to drop by. Also, we’re going to have our countdown to the Tonys – yes, Virginia, it’s going to be a Tony weekend here at haineshisway.com, so you’ll want to check back often for the latest and greatest on the Tony Awards, past and present and also present and past. Won’t that be fun and festive? Won’t that be too too? In the meantime, I must take the day, I must do the things I do before somebody else does them and I must make certain that there are no more heads of dead animals on my porch. Today’s topic of discussion: Well, let’s begin our Tony fever by discussing your choices for this year’s Tony Awards. If you were the sole voter, who would be the winners out of this year’s nominees?

Replies: 27 Unseemly Comments

I'll start by saying that this years Tony's will do very little for me. I am looking forward to seeing the Into the Woods number performed - that's about it.
One of my favorite tony moments was quite ruined when they had serious audio problems during Alice and Emily's duet from Side Show a few years back. Anyone else have a Tony sob story?
Posted by Craig @ 05/31/2002 10:09 AM PST

The most amazing Tony "moment" I ever experienced (slightly above the thrill of seeing Angela Lansbury win her third and fourth Tony awards) was seeing Jennifer Holliday singing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from "Dreamgirls" -- took me totally by surprise because I had only a passing acquaintance with the fact that it was a current Broadway musical. Next day I was at Camelot in a local mall buying the LP. This was before I ever got my first VHS recorder...and I've wished to this date that I had that moment on tape.
It was an exhilarating, goose-flesh raising performance. The only thing better that happened that evening was when Ms. Holliday won the Tony for best actress, musical.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/31/2002 11:12 AM PST

First it's flying dead things...(or dead flying things)...and now it's animal heads????
Bruce...honestly....I think you need to find out what kind of animal head it was. I hope it wasn't someone's pet.
That it's happened before is creepy, but you make it seem like a while back, so there is no pattern yet established.
Do you personally know anyone so creepy and beastly who would cut off the heads of little animals and leave them on doormats? Have you discussed this with neighbors? Have you called the police...or the SPCA?
I think you should report this!
And I think you should give some serious thought to who might have done it. Someone who knew you when you moved there and someone who knows you still live there...and someone who has been a back-stabbing son-(or daughter)of-a-bitch-slapper.
Now it's just possible you have an owl living somewhere in the rafters of your building. Owls eat small animals and aren't particularly picky about covering their tracks. Perhaps there's nothing more evil at play here than nature doing what it does....but...one should get experts to investigate.
Now I will have horrid dreams about your flying dead things and bodiless animal heads.
[shudder]
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/31/2002 11:20 AM PST

My Tony horror story was in 1975 when I lived in Buffalo, New York, and the local ABC station pre-empted the Tony show for a local hockey game. I wrote a letter to the tv columnist of the The Buffalo Evening News who printed it. A few days later he printed replies which said I was crazy. As one woman put it "all the kids can name every hockey player but don't know anything about the Tonys". This is one of the many reasons I no longer live in Buffalo. P.S. Even though they did televise it the next year, I didn't watch because I was in New York seeing it in person.
As for this year, I'd vote for URINETOWN in every category it was in. Even supporting actress in a musical which is the toughest race in recent memory: how do you pick among Spencer Kayden, Harriett Harriss and Laura Benatti who gave three of the best performances I have ever seen.
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 05/31/2002 11:58 AM PST

Well, I'm pretty sure it wasn't me, cause I'm in New York... and I hate icky dead things.
BK's answers to the Proust questionaire yesterday were very interesting because I had to double check to make sure that they weren't MY answers. Seems we have a lot more in common than SG.
My wife and I filled out her Tony ballot on Tuesday and it's a good bet that we chose very few of the actual winners (if we can trust The New York Times. We think that the show with the Best Book and Best Score should win Best Musical. I still remember that silly year when Follies won (deservedly) almost everything except Best Musical.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 05/31/2002 12:06 PM PST

My favorite Tony moments (which, thankfully, I have on tape) were the 1967 opening number from Cabaret, totally electriying. Turkey Lurkey Time, from Promises, total showstopper. Angela doing Worst Pies In London. The already mentioned Jennifer Holiday. The great Kickin' The Clouds Away number from My One and Only, and the entire opening number of A Chorus Line.
Now, betting back to the animal head on my porch - the last time it happened was three years ago. If it HADN'T happened then, I might think something weird was up now, but I do think it's some owl or something leaving it's takings (or is it taking its leavings). Of course, I think we all know people in our lives who we feel would do things like this, but I do like to give the human race the benefit of the doubt and presume there are limits to bad behavior.
Posted by bk @ 05/31/2002 12:07 PM PST

Actually, in addition to leaving out a close paren above, I neglected to mention my personal choices for the Tonys -- Musical actors - John (either one), Jennifer (hated her in Footloose, loved her in UTown), Marc and Spencer.
Dramatic actors - Alan, Kate, Sam and Kate.
Most of the others are pretty spread around, but UTown gets score, book, musical, director and choreography (funniest on Bway this year).
Favorite Tony memory: the entire 1971 broadcast with virtually every living major winner back to perform.
Least favorite Tony memory -- Kevin's Spacey's strange collection of dialogue highlights from the season's straight plays.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 05/31/2002 12:19 PM PST

William E. Lurie:
And the next year you got to see a chorus line and nod in agreement when you heard the famous line about Buffalo?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/31/2002 12:30 PM PST

Most Favorite Tony Moment: Angela doing "The Worst Pies in London". I taped it in Oregon where I was for the summer and showed the tape to some friends who wanted to know what to see when they went to New York. They saw Sugar Babies. Go figure.
Least Favorite Moment: Liz Taylor giggling dunkedly as she mangled the names of nominees sometime in the 70's. Fortunately she has redeemed herself in my heart since.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/31/2002 12:34 PM PST

Where have all the posters gone?
Posted by Craig @ 05/31/2002 02:05 PM PST

FOR BK:
Imogene Lynn sung for Leslie Parish in the film version of Li'l Abner. The only other film credit I could find for her was the singing voice of Colleen Collins in a movie called Swing Shift Cinderella. (They don't list he Li'l Abner credit.)She sang with Artie Shaw's band.
As a side note Billie Hayes (replacing Charlotte Rae) played Mammy Yokum. I remember her better as Witchiepoo on HR Puffenstuff.
Although I have been video taping them since the early 80's the last number of years have been a disappointment. Since CBS dropped an hour from their broadcast (PBS took it over) and their 120 minute Broadcast is really ownly about 80 minutes. The shows have been a disappointment.
No longer can we have a show were the pay tribute to Kander and Ebb, Sondheim and Herman all in one show or Coleman, Styne and Lloyd Webber in another. Then there was a tribute to the Majestic Theater that was home to many wonderful musicals.
All these tributes were in addition to having excerpts from the nominated musicals and revivals and sometimes excerpts from the plays. The musical numbers weren't limited to 4 minutes either. They sometimes ran more than five minutes and as much as six minutes.
In my opinion PBS should have Broadcat the who event. No commercials and the awards won't have to compromised for the commercial whims of CBS.
But one of my most memorable moments was when Antony Quinn announce the wrong winner. I don't remember the category, but someone the winner of the category was written on one side and the winner for Best Play was on the other. He announce the play (I think it was Neil Simon's Lost in Yonkers). He realized what he did but it was too late. He was with Joan Collins.
I usually saw all the nominated musicals that year and somehow for me the Tony versions were never as good as seeing them live. But one that was the Act One finale of Dreamgirls.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/31/2002 02:30 PM PST

My favourite "Tony" moment was Judy Kuhn singing "Rags". The last few years have been so dreary - I think Radio City was NOT a suitable venue. All the sound seemed so thin.The telecast we get here is usually edited down. Naturally the show does not rate very well either so it is buried on a Sunday morning. Big disappointment was not having anything from "Seusical" last year (I know it had closed but at least it had a best actor in a musical nomination). I really liked Polly Bergen's performance when I saw Follies but the Tony performance seemed quite flat.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 05/31/2002 02:35 PM PST

When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?
Posted by Mr. Mark Bakalor @ 05/31/2002 02:49 PM PST

Ain't it the truth.
If you're on the East Coast, presumable, you get a live broadcast. Here in Calif., we get a heavily edited version on network broadcast. I wasn't aware of any PBS broadcasts. I'd much rather see it live.
After all, we get the Oscars live...preview shows included (a full 90 minutes prior to the overture. YAWN). But Oscars draw larger numbers, I suppose.
I remember feeling rather gypped the past couple of Tony shows when big chunks of the show seemed to go missing.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/31/2002 03:11 PM PST

The one other title released by Columbia Broadway Masterworks this past Tuesday was Jacques Brel Is Alive and Well and Living in Paris.
Where have all the posters gone? Why they are in the rehearsal studio learning the big number "Where Have All the Posters Gone?"!
Favorite Tony Moments: The Opening of A Chorus Line (1976) and “A New Argentina” from Evita (1981).
This year’s Tonys so do not interest me that until a few days ago I had forgotten they are to be Sunday night. It is not an exciting year. It would have been exciting if Elaine Stritch had been nominated for performance by an actress in a musical and if Elaine Stritch: At Liberty had been nominated for musical. No doubt Thoroughly Modern Millie with its enormous block of Tony-voter producers, and the general and genuine goodwill it elicits, will sweep the awards. Bye-bye to the stench of Sweet Smell and so long to the thoroughly competent but not blazingly exciting revival of The Elephant Man.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/31/2002 03:15 PM PST

The only thing I saw on Broadway this year was Elaine Stritch. I know her show, Barbara Cook's show and Bea Arthur's show are all up for the Best Theatrical Event award. Does anyone know who actually goets the award for this category (star? producer? director?)
I saw Bea Arthur's show here and Elaine Stritch on Broadway. Bea Arthur's show was entertaining and quite enjoyable, and I love her. But the show did not hit me emotionally (or even theatrically) like Elaine Stitch: At Liberty did. I had goosebumps for almost three hours for that one!
Posted by Kerry @ 05/31/2002 04:39 PM PST

The awards for musical, play, musical revival, play revival and special theatrical event go to the producer's of the winning production in each category.
If and when At Liberty wins, the awards will officially go to John Schreiber, Creative Battery, Margo Lion, Robert Cole, Dede Harris/Mort Swinsky, Cheryl Wiesenfeld, The Public Theater/New York Shakespeare Festival.
Posted by Mr. Mark Bakalor @ 05/31/2002 05:02 PM PST

Since we don't seem to have much enthusiasm for the Tonys this year, perhaps we should open the topic of discussion to include other Tonys such as Tony Martin, Tony Bennett, Tony the Tiger, Tony Tanner, Tony Richardson, Tony Walton...
Also, I forgot to take Mr. Ken Mandelbaum to task for mentioning that the film chorus of Li'l Abner includes Valerie Harper - which he says in that usual know-it-all way of his - well, if he's such a know-it-all he might also have mentioned Miss Beth Howland who is also in the Dogpatch film chorus. And yes, Ken, you heard it here first.
Posted by bk @ 05/31/2002 05:34 PM PST

OK.. I'll go to task... Tony the Tiger is GRRRrrreeeaaaaaaatttTTTT!
I also think the role of Tony is West Side Story is pretty good.
I prefer people that are not toney-deaf
I'm not all that much a fan of Toni Braxton
I am a fan of Tony Curtis
I worked a few times with Tony Robbins
I never worked with Tony Walton
There.. that's my Tony wrap-up
Posted by Craig @ 05/31/2002 05:47 PM PST

Craig, you beat me to it!
Mr. Mark Bakalor, Thanks for the clarification on the award. Have you updated your website yet? How did your move go?
Favorite Tony moment: the opening and "One" from "Chorus Line."
Posted by Kerry @ 05/31/2002 06:02 PM PST

Did anyone ever answer someone's question last week about why DVD's are now cheaper than VHS?
The answer is because DVD's can be stamped out like CD's (or records used to be) rather than being duplicated at real time like VHS. This isn't really on the subject, but I thought I'd throw it out?
Posted by Kerry @ 05/31/2002 06:05 PM PST

Kerry -- actually.. unless I am mistaken, but they do have high speed video dubbers.. but you are right, cost per unit for a dvd is cheaper
Posted by Craig @ 05/31/2002 06:07 PM PST

My, my. The conversation is getting so tony around here.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/31/2002 07:21 PM PST

Hey! I AM A TONY! My favorite Tony moments all came in one single year: Bernadette Peters, Mary Martin and Barbara Cook paid tribute to Robert Preston by singing "Time Heals Everything," "Till there Was You," and IIRC (internet lingo for If I Recall Correctly) "This House."
Once again, IIRC, this was the same year that Les Miserables strolled away with several trophies.
Posted by td @ 05/31/2002 07:47 PM PST

With all this Tony talk, it reminded me of the ads I used to see for Toni products, especially the one that featured a young girl who bemoaned her fate as a "failure" and claimed:
"I needed a Tonette!"
Do little girls still get Tonettes?
I have my doubts...!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/31/2002 10:02 PM PST

Bea Arthur on Broadway: Just Between Friends With Billy Goldenberg at the Piano was fun. I enjoyed it very much for what it was, which was as you describe it, Kerry. It was good to see Arthur and nice to spend the time before her. The anecdotes were mostly funny, and it was nice to have the chance to see her in a variety of musical performances. Still and all, it was Elaine Stritch in Elaine Stritch: At Liberty that made this Broadway season memorable. I hope someone has the wisdom to film the show for posterity. It is a musical, an autobiography, a master class, a cautionary tale, and a lesson in hope all rolled up into one entertaining whole.
Posted by freedunit @ 05/31/2002 11:01 PM PST

The question(off subject=but clarification) was why are CD's so expensive in comparison to DVD's?
Posted by Arnold M. Brockmasn @ 06/01/2002 06:46 AM PST

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