Well, dear readers, I am writing these here notes on my brand spanking new handy-dandy laptop computer. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I am writing these here notes on my brand spanking new handy-dandy Dell laptop computer. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Thanks to dear readers, Susan Gordon and Craig Brockman, everything is loaded in and looking the way that I like it. That only took six hours. The reason for that is simple: I don’t know from computers. Miss Susan Gordon and Mr. Craig Brockman were very patient with me, especially considering the fact that I become a raving lunatic when everything doesn’t happen very fast. Yes, Virginia, I become a raving lunatic and I feel very bad for the people who have to put up with it.

In any case, this here brand spanking new computer is very spiffy indeed. It has a handy-dandy DVD player, and a CD burner, and Free Cell, and all manner of fun doodads and dadoods. There are some new things for me to get used to and I shall endeavor to get used to them quickly, within the next two years.

My goodness we had spirited discourse here at haineshisway.com yesterday, didn’t we? That Tony broadcast brought out various and sundried passions – but we retained our dignity and it didn’t turn into a slug-fest. Slug-fests are unseemly, you know, and we must never sink to that level. We leave that to other websites and newsgroups and chat boards. We do not get down in the mud here at haineshisway.com, unless, that is, we’re having a mud wrassling contest, in which case we all put on our Speedos and get in that mud with great glee and wrassle until the cows come home. Did you know that the farmer and the cowman should be friends? I learned that on the Tony Awards broadcast. Do you think the cowman is waiting for the cows to come home? Conversely, do you think the farmer is waiting for the farm to come home? Do you think the farmer is in the dell, or perhaps in the Dell computer? These are the questions that haunt the windmills of my mind like a circle in a spiral like a wheel within a wheel. What the hell am I talking about?

Well, we have a few High Winners in our Unseemly Trivia Contest, and one Highest Winner. We’ll get to that in a little while, just a little while. Do you know what else I learned on the Tony Awards? I learned that everything today is thoroughly modern. I didn’t know that, but now I do, and all because of the Tony Awards broadcast.

I’ll say one thing for this Dell computer – it’s very easy to use and very quiet except for the little annoying clicking noises it occasionally makes, as if little people were in their clucking their tongues like mad poultry. Have you ever been in the company of mad poultry? There is nothing worse than mad poultry, let me tell you. You just want to stay out of the way of mad poultry because there is no telling what they will do at any given moment. For example, I once saw an insane chicken try to eat its own feet. Oh, that was frightening. There goes that clicking noise again. It’s like someone is in there scratching, trying to get out. Oh, well, I shall pay it no heed and no mind, nor shall I pay it any money. The clicking has stopped, and now it sounds as if someone is in the computer vacuuming. My other laptop didn’t make the vacuuming noise unless Ed Norton’s Anti-Virus thing was running. And there goes that scratching/clicking sound again. Just what in tarnation is going on inside this computer? Perhaps one of you computer people can tell me.

Well, I see no reason we shouldn’t all click on the Unseemly Button below, because I happen to think that we’ve spent way too much time here in this first section and if we stay here one minute longer we shall all become as mad as mad poultry and we will try to eat our own feet. Quick, click before we are footless and fancy-free.

Have I mentioned that the farmer and the cowman should be friends? Have I mentioned that there is an outbreak of mad poultry? Have I mentioned that the mad cows are now so mad at the mad poultry that they are never coming home? Does anyone know what the hell I’m talking about?

While I am writing these here notes, I am also getting a live update of Ed Norton Anti-Virus. I find that very exciting indeed, and much more exciting, in fact, than the Ralph Kramden Pro-Virus.

Apparently, Sweet Smell of Success will be closing soon, according to one of those theater websites. I actually wanted to see it, and I hope it can hang on until I get to New York, which would be sometime in early July, at least that’s the plan right now. I haven’t had any time to catch up on the various and sundried new DVDs I’ve gotten, but I shall, never fear, I shall. I also have to pick up some wonderful Warners titles today, which include Mr. Blake Edwards’s Victor/Victoria (the film), The Great Race and S.O.B., and Mr. John Ford’s She Wore A Yellow Ribbon. That reminds me of the great Meltz and Ernest song She Wore A Green Ribbon. Have you heard it? Here it is for the insatiably and/or morbidly curious.

SHE WORE A GREEN RIBBON Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

Everyone was wearing yellow ribbons that season
But she wore green – and not without a reason…

She wore a green ribbon
Green, so they tell us,
Means that she was jealous
And jealous she was
Because
Violet Smeldon stole her fellow
And while she did it she was wearing a yellow
Ribbon
I’m not fibbin’
And so
Ruby Minkler lost her fellow
And all because of that stupid yellow
Ribbon
She felt red with anger
She felt blue with sadness
And all those colors
Led to madness
And now Ruby wears a green ribbon
In the county asylum for the insane
While Violet still wears yellow
While parading with Ruby’s fellow
While Ruby’s slowly slipping down the drain
I mean she’s bonkers
While Ruby’s slowly slipping down the drain
Somewhere in Yonkers
Dear Ruby is slipping down the drain.

You know what I love about their songs? They are totally unpredictable and you never know where they will take you. They’re journeys to the unknown.

We had several High Winners and our handy-dandy electronic hat has chosen a Highest Winner. The trivia question was:

What musical that came to Broadway featured among its creative team someone who would go on to be a major Broadway composer, and in its cast someone who would go on to be an Academy Award-nominated film star, and someone else who would go on to become a beloved television star of a beloved television series. Clue: The composer of this musical had several hit songs all associated with one singer and the star of this musical was fired from a major production of another hugely successful musical.

Name the person who would go on to be a major Broadway composer.
Name the Academy Award-nominated film star
Name the beloved television star
Name the musical

And the answer is:

John Kander, dance arranger
Elliott Gould
Fred Gwynne
Irma La Douce

The composer was Margueritte Monnot, who wrote many of Edith Piaf's hit songs. And Irma star Elizabeth Seal was fired from the London production of A Chorus Line (she was to play Cassie). Our High Winners were Michael Shayne, Paul Fairie and Steve Gurey, and our Highest Winner, randomly chosen, is Paul Fairie.

Well, dear readers, I’m now being told that in order to finish my live update I have to reboot my computer. I don’t really know why, since I like the boots it is currently wearing. They’re very sporty boots, but I must reboot whether I like it or not because that is the way things are, Ed Norton Anti-Virus live update-wise. Today’s topic of discussion: Who, in your opinion, has given the funniest stage performances you've seen - I mean laugh out loud, riotous performances? I'll start: Brian Bedford and Tammy Grimes in a revival of Private Lives at the Billy Rose, Lewis J. Stadlen in Laughter on the 23rd Floor, John Astin in Rattle of a Simple Man, King Donovan and Imogene Coca in A Thurber Carnival, Woody Allen and company in Play It Again, Sam (one of the funniest evenings in the theater I've ever had), Phil Silvers in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, and many others I'm too groggy to remember right now. Your turn.