haines his way

06/12/2002:
"SPILLING THE BEANS"

Well, dear readers, have you got your excellent questions ready? I hope so, because today is Ask BK Day, the day you get to ask me any old question your heart desires. And I will answer your excellent questions because if I didn’t wouldn’t that be a fine kettle of cheese slices and ham chunks. There your questions would be, dangling in the air like so much fish, and as you can imagine, we simply cannot have dangling questions, because that would be unseemly. It’s bad enough having the occasional dangling participle, whatever the hell that is. But we shall have no dangling questions here at haineshisway.com. You will ask and I will answer. You may give me the third degree or even the fifth degree or you may give me a Bachelor’s degree or even a married person’s degree and I will not fold under the pressure of whatever various and sundried degrees you give me. I will set the record straight if need be, because frankly how can you play a crooked record? I can’t even play any record because my fershluganah turntable is on the fritz. Of course, my turntable and fritz are very close so it’s entirely appropriate. Do you even think we should speak of the relationship of my turntable and fritz? Isn’t that their business? Well, no matter, I’ve already spilled the beans and now everyone knows that my turntable is on the fritz and that fritz likes having the turntable on him. Who wouldn’t? Fritz is dashing and is desired by turntables everywhere. You know, I must pause here and ask the following question: What the hell am I talking about?
There are now beans all over my nice kitchen floor because I spilled the beans. This is what happens when you spill the beans, so I don’t spill the beans very often, because who wants to clean up a bunch of beans lying on the floor like so much fish? Did you know that my old laptop computer is on the fritz? Fritz, I must say, is getting a lot more action than I am.
Last night, for fun, I listened to the commentary track for Mr. Sidney Lumet’s The Verdict. It’s advertised on the package as Audio Commentary by Sidney Lumet and Paul Newman. Mr. Lumet has many interesting things to say about the making of the film and his choices. As to Mr. Paul Newman, he enters the commentary track about fifteen minutes before the end of the film and he speaks for exactly four minutes. It’s too bad because it would have been fun to hear him say more than he does. But it’s worth it to hear Mr. Lumet, so if you’ve gotten the disc you should give the commentary a listen.
I had a friend over the other day and we were doing some work in the back yard – I don’t mean we were mowing or hoeing or plowing or anything like that, no, we were doing actual work work, and my friend saw the singing bird and was amazed at how good this bird, in fact, was. We both feel that this bird could have a major career in musical theater, if only someone would write a role for a singing bird. What is with these new composers anyway? These damn show people just don’t know from birds. While we were out there doing our work, this bird did the entire score to Kean. I mean, it was brilliant. And it’s not as if this bird isn’t a comely bird, in fact I would say this bird is extremely comely. It has a beautiful blue streak on its tummy and is very graceful. When it does some Bob Fosse choreography, which it likes to do every now and then, it wows me every time, especially when it does Steam Heat. It does Steam Heat alone, it doesn’t even need two other birds to do the other parts, that’s how good this bird is. Where is David Merrick when you need him? If David Merrick were alive, we’d have not only Bye Bye Birdie, we’d have Hello, Birdie. If only we’d had Sweet Smell of the Bird we might have had a hit instead of a show doing a quick and painful foldo. Anyway, if Jason Robert Brown or any of the other up-and-coming composers are reading these here notes, get off your butt cheeks and write a show for this bird.
Well, I think we should all get off our various and sundried butt cheeks and click on that Unseemly Button below before we have any dangling questions or spill some more beans.

Well, I do need to wrap up these notes quickly because I have a very busy day today. Shall I wrap up these notes in paper? Shall I wrap up these notes in Saran-wrap or would they stay fresher if I wrapped them in Reynolds Wrap? Or perhaps I should rap these notes up. Yes, that’s a wonderful idea.
Well, these notes are crap
So I’m gonna rap
With a gansta rhythm
And some rhymes within ‘em
When the notes are da pits
And they’re on da fritz
Give me rap suggestions
And no dangling questions
Yes, I think a rap version of these notes is a fine idea and isn’t that an authentic gangsta rap? Doesn’t that sound like that excellent rapper, Snoop Doggy Feldman?
In any case, I am going to wrap and rap these notes up because tomorrow’s notes are always so endlessly long, because I do like to pontificate when I answer your excellent questions. I do like to go on ad nauseum. Have I mentioned that there will be no dangling questions, that I will answer everything to the best of my ability with liberty and justice for all? I will spill the beans, dear readers, even though I have already spilled them. There will be beans, beans and more beans, spilled everywhere. There will be a veritable plethora of spilled beans. Unless, of course, the beans are on the fritz.
Well, dear readers, I must away, I must take the day, I must do the things I do on a Wednesday. Perhaps I shall do some things I do on a Friday, too, just to be contrary. I look forward to all your excellent questions, and do remember that no one should answer any questions here on the site. The punishment for doing so will be a round of bitch-slapping and then a square of bitch-slapping and then, perhaps, even a rectangle of bitch-slapping. And then, on top of that, we will dangle your question for all to see. Won’t that be a fine kettle of you-know-what. Ask away, my pretties.

Replies: 47 Unseemly Comments

Maybe your bird could take Strouse's "Nightingale" on tour. :)
My question is: is that a young and pompadoured Roger Daltrey backing up Cliff Richard in "The Young Ones." If not, it sure must be his twin brother.
Posted by JMK @ 06/12/2002 10:00 AM PST

Eww I hate looking at dangling questions, whether they are mine or someone elses. Let's not succumb to that on HHW!
I'll sally (harry) forth with a few right now..
1. What was the best birthday present you ever got? What is the worst?
2. I know you are a freecellaholic, but are there other card games you enjoy? Are you the type to enjoy vegas?
3. Why are the beginning credits of Li'L Abner (VHS) in that cropped box. The ONLY thing I do not like about the video is that is switched back and forth between that and the full screen at the beginning. Do you know why they did that?
4. What is your favorite time of day? When are you most alert? (everyone should be a lert, we need more lerts)
5. In all of your collection, what is your "coolest" dvd - meaning extras, animated menus, etc
6. Are you usually early, on-time, or late going somewhere?
7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why
Posted by Craig @ 06/12/2002 10:02 AM PST

Whassamattawidyou?
Sondheim's "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" ain't good enough for your backyard tweetie?
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/12/2002 10:24 AM PST

Mr. K: my question(s) goes back to what a producer does and how he/she does it. I went back to the archives and re-read some of the questions/answers from last month regarding the job of a producer and my question/your answer didn’t really come up in that batch. I thought of this question because I just got the Sally Mayes Story Hour CD and while perusing the notes I saw that it was recorded in New York. Since you are a California-raised boy/man/person/whatever and so wonderfully passionate about producing, I wonder how do you (or any producer who doesn’t live in the city where the recording takes place) plan your travel for an event like this? Do you plan to be in New York for an extended period in case something needs extra attention or do you know, based on the person you’re working with, and the material, how long it will take to do the project? Can any of your producing duties be done by a conference call (or regular phone call), while you’re sitting in your lovely California residence, perhaps barefoot and relaxed? Are there producing duties that don’t require your presence at the studio? I know you said about a month ago that you are involved in all aspects of the recording. Since you’re in a different city from your residence when you’re producing something like Sally Mayes, do you just plan on being at the studio all day?
Question 2 is completely unrelated but serves as a segue to my comment to Freedunit regarding a post from a couple of days ago. What is your opinion of the Judy Garland film mentioned below, I Could Go On Singing?
Freedunit: re the Judy Garland post from a couple of days ago, if you’re still interested in the CD for I Could Go On Singing and you haven’t purchased it from the Web site I directed you to, it’s available at Footlight Records for $15.95. It contains the original liner notes from the album plus extended liner notes for the re-release by Scott Schechter.
BTW, I LOVE FreeCell also. It's dangerously addicting (although you probably don't need the modifier "dangerously" when mentioning "addicting" since an addiction is dangerous by default)
Posted by Ben @ 06/12/2002 10:32 AM PST

My PC has FreeCell as one of the games, but it gives me no clue as to how it's played.
Anyone????
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/12/2002 10:37 AM PST

Question(s) for BK:
"Wouldn't you just DIE without Mahler!"
1. Answer the question.
2. Identify the movie/play from whence the line comes.
3. Identify the actress who spoke the line in the film.
: )
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/12/2002 10:53 AM PST

Ron Pulliam did say "anyone???", didn't he?
So I assume this is not a Bruce-exclusive question. Hint: Hit the "help" button.
And now to questions. Bruce, when you were writing the Real A column, you used to get all sorts of fabulous e-mail from people like Barbra, Carol, Lord Andrew, et al, not to mention your close personal friend Stephen Sondheim--but there, I mantioned him anyway. Have they stopped writing? Any chance we'll see some of their missives here?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 06/12/2002 10:56 AM PST

BK-
1-Do you think Percy Faith's Li'l Abner will come out on CD?
2-Do you think or know if someone filmed Elaine Stritch's At Liberty for posterity?
3-If all of our dear readers stomped their feet and did the Pudding Dance at the exact same moment in time would the earth move??
4-What was your take on Frank Sinatra? As a Singer? As an Actor? I always thought that he was uncomfortable on Television. Maybe it was hard trying to be himself.
5-Do you believe that Bing Crosby was underrated as a singer? I always thought his performance as Frank Elgin in the movie THE COUNTRY GIRL was superb.
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 06/12/2002 11:15 AM PST

What kind of tree does the bird live in? If is by any chance a cinnamon tree, it could sing "Little Bird" from MAN OF LA MANCHA (Theatermania.Com's Peter Fillicia's least favorite musical). Since it's in the yard I won't expect to hear "Only a Bird in a Gilded Cage" but maybe it knows the old spiritual "I'll Fly Away".
Yesterday there were several posts about Scooter Teague. In the mid 80s he co-starred with Susan Watson in a revisal of the Gershwin's FUNNY FACE (pre-MY ONE AND ONLY) in Buffalo and Washington DC. It was quite good, but done with only a cast of six so not really a good prospect for Broadway.
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 06/12/2002 11:16 AM PST

Today's birthday ham chunks and cheese slices, along with a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious chocolate cake goes to...
Richard M. Sherman!
Posted by Craig @ 06/12/2002 11:56 AM PST

William Orr suggested to my query about Freecell:
[i]Ron Pulliam did say "anyone???", didn't he?
So I assume this is not a Bruce-exclusive question. Hint: Hit the "help" button.[/i]
D'oh....not! Thanks, William, but I was smart enough to try that...HELP "doesn't" -- offers no rules of play for any of the games.
i received anice card in the mail today from "Reprise", the UCLA Central Ticket Office informing me that "Follies" will be presented at the Wadsworth Theatre June 15-23.
Vikki Carr and Patty Duke are the "stars", along with Harry Groener, Bob Gunton and Donna McKechnie.
I note many names in the cast I'd also love to see on the stage, including Jean Louisa Kelly (who impressed my socks off in "The Fantasticks" film), Amanda McBroom, and Carol Lawrence. Arthur Allan Seidelman directs. If anyone down on SoCal goes to this, I'd love to hear about the production!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/12/2002 12:11 PM PST

Clarification: I didn't mean I wanted to hear a report from anyone "down on SoCal" -- I meant down in SoCal. Please, do love SoCal! With all your heart!
And would someone clue me in on how to put something in italics...and bold...?
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/12/2002 12:14 PM PST

Dear BK,
Did you have an imaginary friend when you were a child?
Posted by Laura @ 06/12/2002 12:14 PM PST

I think it is really narrow-minded of people to type-cast Bruce's bird only in avian roles--not to mention Bob Avian. This is the twenty-first century, people! Ever hear of species-blind casting? Did Disney open auditions only to real candelabras and teapots for Beauty and the Beast?
If this bird is as talented as Bruce says it is, there is no reason in this day and age it shouldn't play Snoopy or even star in The Lion King. Horton the Elephant anyone?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 06/12/2002 12:19 PM PST

If one were species-blind, one would not limit the bird, or any species, to only non-homo-sapiens roles.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/12/2002 12:29 PM PST

I've wondered the same thing as RP regarding bold, etc. I have tried writing out my thoughts in Word and doing fancy things to them (the words, not my thoughts) only to find when I copy and paste them into the Unseemly box, all my seemingly fancy work disappears and I'm left with standard Arial unbold, unitalicized, text. What's a guy to do? I consider myself computer literate and savvy in the ways of the Web, but I can't figure this one out.
Posted by Ben @ 06/12/2002 12:30 PM PST

QUESTION FOR BK -
Dealing with a performer's sensitive ego is an ART. As a producer and director, when you're working with an artist (either on a recording or for a show) and their work is not up to standards, what do you do to remedy the situation?
I'm looking for specifics here, such as ...
What do you say to them so as not to hurt their feelings too much? Do you joke around to make them relax? Do you have a heart-to-heart conversation with them privately? Do you scream, throw eggs, boo and hiss? Just how do you INSPIRE them to work at their best?
P.S. Maybe your singing and dancing bird can have his own network like The WB's Dancing Frog!
Posted by Donna @ 06/12/2002 12:33 PM PST

Oh, oh, oh. Question Day. The day before my favorite day. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, Yoko. Anyway.
Do you enjoy travel (in general)?
Were you a studious chap?
Describe for us an absolutely fantastically perfect day, from beginning to end.
And finally, for now, what images best represent your soul?
Posted by Lolita @ 06/12/2002 01:25 PM PST

I for one enjoy going on Ad Nauseum. It's a running gag of mine.
Questions for BK:
1. What is a Taskit and a Tasket, and what the dickens to they have to do with a basket?
2. Any chance of you and Cindy Williams doing another movie?
3. Since you never quite finished the story of Ernest and Meltz, have they ever done a Light Opera?
Posted by Mattso @ 06/12/2002 01:32 PM PST

Hello all you wonderful people.
Bruce,
My first set of questions:
If you COULD do a Los Angeles production of "Sugar," approximately how much would it cost? And who would you cast as Osgood?
Have you ever had the Chicken Leo Fishberg (or whatever it is called) at Dan Tanna's?
And to appease freedunit and me, what is your favorite kind of cake?
Not to be morbid, but thinking of someone about to be executed or on his deathbed, what would you choose as your last meal (it could be anything from any number of restaurants-- the chili from Chasen's and the dessert from Joe Allen's-- anything)?
What would be your last movie to watch?
What would be the last song (aria, sonata, etc.) you would like to hear?
Posted by Kerry @ 06/12/2002 01:36 PM PST

Thank you, too, for answering my questions some time ago about Anthony Teague. I didn't know it would generate so much interest. From the link provied at the time to the Internet Database (both movie and theatre), I also looked up Danny Lockin. I thought he was so cute in "Gypsy" and "Hello, Dolly." I knew he had died young but never knew why. If it had been a few years later, I would have assumed it was AIDS. It turned out he was tortured and murdered by someone he picked up in a bar. What a tragedy. Jeez, I really turned this into a downer, didn't I? I just meant I was glad to have you guys and the links to finally answer such questions. Alright, it's up to the next person to cheer up the room.
Posted by Kerry @ 06/12/2002 01:53 PM PST

I wrote a response to Kerry, but because it is Wednesday I will not post it, because answering is not allowed and breaking the rules would be unseemly. Is cross-referencing allowed?
Posted by freedunit @ 06/12/2002 02:03 PM PST

And what would you like on your tombstone... oh, not when you are dead, silly -- What do you like on your PIZZA?
Posted by Craig @ 06/12/2002 02:06 PM PST

Questions for Only bk
If you have a response to the questions you would like to share, please be kind enough to hold off until tomorrow’s notes, once bk has responded.
1. Are you familiar with the Tom Jones and Billy Goldenberg musical adaptation of Harold and Maude? Harold and Maude is a pretty bad idea for a musical, but the song entitled “Spoons in My Pocket,” if I recall correctly (IIRC), was cute, and I am wondering if you might think it appropriate repertoire for Guy Haines…
2. What do you think of Burger King having selected your initials as the focus of nationwide advertising campaigns?
3. Do you feel like Bruce Kimmel?
4. If I were Barbara Walters, what kind of tree would you be?
5. Do you still act? If not, would you again? What would make you want to act?
6. Having just published Benjamin Kritzer, would you consider publishing an anthology of your lyrics, plays and screenplays?
7. For a special occasion, would you join is in having some chocolate cake?
8. May I standby for the designated bitch-slapper? Is bitch-slapping the designated bitch-slapper ever permissible, or is it always unseemly?
Speaking of abs and buns of steel and vegetarian-non-meat ham chunks and soy-cheese slices, thank-you for making your site a cookie-free site. Please thank Mister Mark Bakalor, too. I love chocolate-chip cookies, but my computer loves no cookies. For no cookies, you get cake…
Posted by freedunit @ 06/12/2002 02:12 PM PST

..and with six you get eggroll
Posted by Craig @ 06/12/2002 02:17 PM PST

BK-
Do you like Sundried Sun Dried
Tomotos(ooops)Tomatoes??
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 06/12/2002 02:36 PM PST

Do you need special training to be a bitch-slapper? Do you have to attend an academy? Do you think I could pick up the finer points of bitch-slapping at my age, or is this something you should start out learning very young?
Posted by Kerry @ 06/12/2002 02:37 PM PST

Kerry -- I am not at liberty to discuss my training as it is ask BK wednesday..so I shall let him answer that one as to avoid me having to bitchslap myself!
BK -
Have you ever seen the 80s thrillomedy "April Fool's Day"? If so, what did you think? Interesting twist in that movie. It was directed by the same person who directed When a Stranger Calls...
Have you ever seen the movie Closet Land with Alan Rickman and Madeleine Stowe? A very interesting movie - it all takes place in one room and with only 2 characters.
and a bonus fun question (well I think it's fun). If you were to produce a new Li'l Abner CD, who would you have do the arrangements, who would you have sing each song (you don't have to have the same performers sing the same roles and you can of course have anyone sing any part).
Part B. If you were to set it up like your cinderella or peter pan album, what tracks from the movie, cast recording and Percy Faith albums would you use to create the best of Li'l Abner?
Posted by Craig @ 06/12/2002 02:45 PM PST

I love Lucy.
Is it not true that bitch-slapping is a talent with which one is either born or not born? Is it not true that there can be no special training? Is it not true that there is no sanctioned bitch-slapping academy to attend, and that any claims to the contrary are fraudulent? Is it not true that a natural-born bitch-slapper may discover his talent at any age?
Posted by freedunit @ 06/12/2002 02:52 PM PST

freedunit-
Are you a lawyer by any chance?
Posted by Kerry @ 06/12/2002 02:54 PM PST

Freedunit -- don't you dare answer that! lol
Posted by Craig @ 06/12/2002 02:56 PM PST

Craig, as long as I am around, you will never have to bitch-slap yourself!
Posted by freedunit @ 06/12/2002 02:58 PM PST

Freedunit-
Thanks.. with friends like you, who needs enemas..
Posted by Craig @ 06/12/2002 02:59 PM PST

This is NOT a question. This is praise for Bruce which I thought I should share with everyone. I think your arrangement of "You Can Fly/I'm Flying" on the Peter Pan album is one of your best. I had always thought the two songs should be combined and even mentioned it to other musicians years ago. Your musical quotations of "Superman" and E.T." flying themes are sheer genius. You are beyond brilliant.
There, I've said it, and I'm glad I did.
Posted by Kerry @ 06/12/2002 02:59 PM PST

How dare you think I would? Why would I do anything other than ask questions on ask-bk day?
Posted by freedunit @ 06/12/2002 02:59 PM PST

Is this a question or is this praise? Could it be both?
Posted by freedunit @ 06/12/2002 03:00 PM PST

Some excellent questions for me to sink my teeth into (no mean feat). I will have quite a few interesting things to say in tomorrow's notes, so stay tuned.
Posted by bk @ 06/12/2002 03:14 PM PST

Speaking of two songs that should be combined, how about "Moon River" and "Goldfinger"? I always find myself singing, "Goldfinger .... Wider than a Mile"
Unfortunatly I don't think that Goldfinger is anybodies huckleberry friend.
Posted by Mattso @ 06/12/2002 03:28 PM PST

Bruce-
Did you see that Mary Badham is scheduled to appear at the Hollywood Collector's Show (at which you and Susan Gordon are starring)? You can meet your Scout (unless you've already met her).
Posted by Kerry @ 06/12/2002 03:33 PM PST

I do hope I get to meet Scout. Also, thanks for the kind words re the Peter Pan put together. I know I explained (at least I think I did) at length about how I came up with that arrangement -it's one of my favorite favorite memories - walking down Broadway and coming up with the entire flying ballet middle section and then calling Todd Ellison from a pay phone and humming him the entire thing which he notated as I hummed.
Posted by bk @ 06/12/2002 03:40 PM PST

Have you ever been to the Hollywood Arms?
Posted by freedunit @ 06/12/2002 04:00 PM PST

Bruce,
Yes you did explain the arranging process on May 23rd's notes.
Posted by Kerry @ 06/12/2002 05:13 PM PST

How does the electronic hat actually work?
What is the progress of the musical The Night of the Hunter?
If you were going to do a cabaret act what kind of show would you do? Theme show or a collection of your favorite songs? Or songs by Bruce Kimmel?
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 06/12/2002 07:59 PM PST

The box set of DVDs for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season Two arrived in the mail today. What with the DVD presentations for Star Trek: The Next Generation, X-Files, The Simpsons, M*A*S*H' and Friends, a trend definately seems at hand. Regrettably, I haven't yet convinced the ever-loving der Brucer that he really does need to add the British series, Jeeves and Wooster, to our collection.
My question to OUR Bruce, the Kimmelmeister, is twofold. First, what series (single or plural) would you be interested in seeing preserved on DVD? Second, what series (single or plural) would you rather NOT see preserved on DVD? Any reasons why would be appreciated, of course!
Posted by S. Woody White @ 06/12/2002 10:27 PM PST

Re: Buffy, Season 2 -- I've been notified my set is one the way. This is MAJOR stuff for my collection, since I consider Buffy to be the most consistently original, hip, funny, tragic and outrageously wonderful TV series ever.
I am also EAGERLY awaiting "Oz: Season 2" -- haven't seen any announcement for it, though.
Re: Peter Pan album. WHAT Peter Pan album? What title must I look under?
Honestly, there ought to be an FAQ for hhw.com that lists everything available on CD including label and number and contents, etc.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/12/2002 11:47 PM PST

Jeux sans frontieres
Posted by . @ 04/05/2003 04:28 AM PST

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF "MY HUCKLEBERRY FRIEND" IN THE SONG MOON RIVER?
Posted by ROSE ARTINO @ 07/31/2003 06:07 AM PST

Ask BK: Got a question? Ask Bruce Kimmel...

© Copyright 2001-2003 Bruce Kimmel.
All Rights Reserved. Site design by hijinks design.