Well, dear readers, I received the softcover version of my very own novel, Benjamin Kritzer, yesterday and I must tell you it looks splendidly splendid. What a thrill to finally see the finished book – I have not actually experienced anything quite like the feeling of taking it out of the Fed Ex box and holding it in my hands. The hardcover is at the printers and I am assured I’ll have it in about twelve days. I could never have imagined when I began this journey last May that I would be holding an actual published book in my actual published hands. And yet, there I was, holding the actual book in my actual hands. I can’t wait to see the hardcover with jacket, and it’s actually a bit scary that I won’t see it until its done and shipped, but that is the way it is.

Last night I started to watch a motion picture entitled The Mothman Prophecies. I knew I was in deep trouble in the first thirty seconds when Richard Gere, as an ace Washington Post reporter, sits at his desk taking down some information on the phone and says, “That’s with a “y”, right?” Then they cut to a piece of paper he’s writing on and we see that he’s just finished writing the “y” on the name Mary. Now, I don’t know about you, dear readers, but how many ways are there to spell Mary and how many of them don’t involve the letter “y”? Was he thinking it was spelled Maree? Did he think it was spelled Merree? I mean, when the ace reporter of the Washington Post has to ask if it’s Mary with a “y” then you know you are not in safe writing, directing and acting hands. Then, the ace reporter and his annoyingly “actressy” wife go look at a house they’re thinking about buying. They leave the real estate agent downstairs while they go upstairs to look around. They go into a closet and immediately begin to fondle and cavort – then they get on the floor and start getting ready to have sex. But still I watched. Then they are driving home and she causes them to get in a car accident when she sees some weird apparition. I was so annoyed by then that I just turned the damned thing off. I mean, honestly, “Mary, is that with a ‘y’”?

I also got a great six CD box set of soundtrack music from the films of Akira Kurosawa. They’ve done three of these six CD box sets and they cover his entire career from the forties through the nineties, twelve discs all told. I got volume two, which has the complete soundtracks to Yojimbo, Sanjuro, High and Low, Red Beard and then a disc which has dialogue and music from High and Low and Red Beard and the final disc which is some kind of weird “singles” collection. Most of the music in this set is by Masaru Sato and it’s wonderful, especially High and Low, one of my favorite Kurosawa films (based on an Ed McBain 87th Precinct novel, King’s Ransom). It’s very pricey, but I am loving every minute of it.

Well, I must not tarry or dally or dally or tarry any further, because you posed many excellent questions yesterday and I must answer them to the best of my ability. You’ve given me the third degree and also the seventh degree and I will give you answers in both of those degrees. So, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below and get right to those answers.

I may as well just dive in to your questions as if they were a sparkling pool. And I do hope my answers are as sparkling as your questions. If not, you all have permission to bitch-slap me from here to eternity and back again to here.

JMK asks if that is a young and pompadoured Roger Daltrey backing up Cliff Richard in The Young Ones. No, that is not Roger Daltry that is one of Cliff’s Shadows.

Craig has his usual grab-bag of queries: What was the best birthday present I ever got? Hmmm. Maybe the trip to Las Vegas that someone gave me for my fortieth birthday. What was the worst present? Well, I don’t think there are “worst” presents. I think all presents are excellent. The weirdest and ultimately the funniest present was from my daughter, who came to a birthday party, dropped off her present but had to leave. When I opened it I found a large paper cup with what looked to be a malt in it. I found that a bit peculiar, so I smelled it to see what flavor it was, and the smell was totally awful and gross. We all just figured whatever was in there had gone bad, so I threw it out. She later told me that it was pancake batter from Du-Par’s, where they have the best pancakes in the world. So, in fact, it was a brilliant present. Given that I’m a Free Cell Addict, Craig wants to know if there are other card games I enjoy and am I the type to enjoy Las Vegas. I love poker, certainly, and I occasionally like to play gin. I do have a good time in Vegas, even though I’m not much of a gambler. Next Craig wants to know why the beginning credits of Li’l Abner on the VHS are in a cropped box. That is called “window boxing” and they do it because if it was full frame some of the lettering of the credits would be cut off. I really don’t know why they just didn’t letterbox the credits, since the film should be in the 1:66 or 1:85 ratio (VistaVision’s ratio was variable, anywhere from 1:66 to 2.1). Next, what is my favorite time of day and when am I most alert? Depends on the day, actually. I like mornings, though, and I do tend to be very alert in the pre-noon hours. Out of all my DVDs what is the coolest DVD, meaning extras, animated menus, etc. I think Toy Story II is pretty spiffy. Next, am I usually early, on time or late when I’m going somewhere? I loathe lateness, so I tend to be early, just to make sure I’ll be on time. If I could go anywhere in the world where would I go and why? Since I have been very few places, I would say England, Japan, France and Italy would be first on my list, because there are things in each of those places that I know I would love. Finally, Craig asks if I were to produce a Li’l Abner CD, who would I have do the arrangements and who would I have sing each song? And if I made it like my Cinderella or Peter Pan albums which songs would I use from stage, screen and instrumental albums to tell the story? It would take to long to figure out the cast of singers, but I’d certainly use Alice Ripley as Daisy, as she’s the spitting image of the cartoon character, and she’d sing it like a dream. Six years ago I would have used Jason Workman as Abner, now I have no idea. As to the arrangements, if it was a recording of just the show, I’d use the show arrangements and orchestrations which I really like. If it were like the Peter Pan album, I’d do the arrangements and David Siegel would do the orchestrations.

Ben’s questions go back to what a producer does and how he/she does it. Are there he/she producers? I would like to meet a he/she producer, simply because I love the word “hermaphrodite”. First, since I’m California based how do I plan my travel when I have to record things in New York. I always tried to amortize the trips and do several albums at once. Each project has a specific amount of time. For example, on my last recording trip, I spent one day doing vocals for the Sherman Brothers album (the tracks had been recorded in LA), then one day to record Donna McKechnie’s show, and one day to record Klea Blackhurst’s show. I flew in on a Saturday and left on Thursday. It’s a lot to do, you never stop basically, but that’s the way Vinnie and I liked to do it. Ben asks if any of my producing duties can be done via conference call from California? No, not really, with the exception of the arrangements and planning the album. Are there producing duties that don’t require your presence at the studio? Every producer is different. There is nothing that would be happening in a studio that I would not be involved in. I am everywhere every step of the way. I do know one cast album producer who didn’t even bother going to the mix – he/she just let the engineer do it. Well, that’s one way to produce, but not my way. I am usually the first one into the studio and among the last to leave. Next, Ben asks what my opinion of the Judy Garland film I Could Go On Singing is? Well, it’s not one of my favorites, but I like it well enough. I’ve always liked the director, Ronald Neame, and there are some good scenes along the way.

Ron Pulliam asks a trivia question: “Wouldn’t you just DIE without Mahler”. First he wants me to answer that question. Well, I don’t know if I’d die, but I do love a piece of Mahler’s occasionally, most especially the glorious Sixth Symphony. Identify the movie/play the line comes from? I have no idea. Identify the actress who spoke the line in the film. See above. I open the floor for other people to answer this stumper.

William F. Orr mentions that when I was writing The Real A column I used to get fabulous e-mails from the likes of Barbra Streisand, Carol Channing, Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, etc. Is there any chance we’ll see some of their missives here at haineshisway.com? Well, you never know. In the meantime, if people would like, I can reprint some of those e-mails in our very own notes. What say all of you?
Arnold M. Brockman asks if I like sundried tomatoes? I find them tolerable, but I certainly could live without them. Do I think Percy Faith’s version of Li’l Abner will come out on CD. We can hope – if the ones that have come out sell enough I’d like to think they’d do some more. Do I know if someone filmed Elaine Stritch for posterity. Well, if that’s the case we’ll have to call posterity and get ourselves a copy, won’t we? I do seem to recall reading something about the fact that it was videotaped, so I think we will be seeing it on PBS or cable in the near future. What is my opinion on Frank Sinatra, as singer, as actor? I like him very much as singer, although I prefer his ballads to his “swingin’” numbers. As an actor, he gave a handful of really top-notch performances, most especially in The Manchurian Candidate. Finally, do I think Bing Crosby was underrated as a singer? Anyone who sells gazillions of records is not underrated. I love that kind of laid back singing, effortless, easy and with that lazy deep beautiful tone. Bing, I’m quite certain, was an influence on our very own Guy Haines.

Laura asks if I had an imaginary friend when I was a child. I didn’t have a lot of friends as a child, hence my friends were imaginary in that they didn’t exist.

Donna has some interesting questions: Dealing with a performer’s sensitive ego is an art – as a producer/director, when I’m working with an artist and their work is not up to standards, what do I do to remedy the situation? What do I say to not hurt their feelings? Do I joke around to make them relax? Do I have a heart-to-heart conversation with them privately? Do I scream, throw things, boo and hiss? How do I inspire them to do their best? I find that every performer has different needs, responds to different things. Normally, I do not work with singers in advance because I first like to see what they are bringing to the table. So, in the case of recording, I’ll let them do a rehearsal and/or a take. Then we’ll listen to it and discuss what we’ve heard. I will then frequently make subtle suggestions, sometimes just about coloring a specific lyric in a different way, sometimes giving a visual image (example to come) and sometimes just giving an overall “feel”. Sometimes I like to be very obtuse and indirect because with great singers who understand, you get great things. I’ll talk for a minute about Michele Pawk, one of the best singing actors I’ve ever worked with. She can literally do anything. I’ll give two examples of my approach with her. For her song on the Stephen Schwartz Album, Blame it on the Summer Night, I did an arrangement which, to me, had a very specific kind of feel to it. Michele came in, did a take, and I felt it was too big and not sultry and sexy enough. So, we listened, and all I said to her (this will seem the height on nonsense) was, “I see a woman on a hot night, walking down the street in a white dress, looking at the nightlife happening on the street”, or something like that. She listened, nodded her head, and went in and delivered a brilliant take. And everytime I hear what she did with that image, that’s what I “see” in my mind’s eye when I hear that track. In other words, I didn’t tell her “how” to achieve that image, she just understood it totally and made it her own. On the Sondheim album, she was doing the brilliant song It Wasn’t Meant to Happen. She did a take, and we listened and I felt that it didn’t get to the heart of the song, so I said to her, “I think this is a woman who’s been punched in the stomach really hard – she has trouble getting her breath back”. Again, she nodded, went in and did an absolutely breathtaking take, just sublime perfection. I hope that illustrates a little of what you were looking for (I know it all sounds pretentious and creepy, but it’s not). I tend to try to cast the songs perfectly so that the performer and song are a great match. It’s easy from there. Do I yell and scream? Never. You don’t get anywhere by doing that. I do keep a very informal and fun atmosphere, because that encourages people to do their best and they know there is absolutely no pressure, that we’ll work until we get it right. They also trust me implicitly to know when I’ve got enough between the various takes to make a wonderful vocal. “Comping” vocals is something I love doing and something which I’m very good at. It is an art unto itself and woe to the singer if someone is comping who doesn’t have the sensitivity and the knowledge to do it correctly. I have rarely run in to a brick wall, performer-wise. On one particular album I did have a singer who’d done too much preparation with a vocal coach. I hate that. And it literally took me two hours to get that singer to forget everything she’d been working on, to give me a clean slate, so we could create something magical and spontaneous. It took many many takes, but I eventually wore the person down, but always in a positive way, always striving to make it better and better and better. And being a good performer they were able to eventually hear what was wrong and then wipe the slate clean and find the right path to make the song truthful and vocally perfect. Sometimes if I feel a vocalist can go a little further, of if I’m not getting what they’re trying to do, I’ll just go in and sit with them and chat. I remember doing a cast album with my pal Liz Larsen and she was doing this song and I felt it was perfectly okay but not as good as it was in the theater. So, I went into the studio and we sat on the ground together, and I just asked her, “What are you trying to say? What is the mood you’re trying to impart”? And she explained it to me perfectly, and I just said, “Ah, that’s perfect – do that” and in the next take she nailed it completely. It’s all just cajoling and striving to make magic. My favorite performer to give imagery to was Laurie Beechman. She was amazing – you could say anything to her, the most far-out weird stuff and she would give it to you – make it her own, of course, but absolutely deliver something memorable by taking an image and letting that take her to new and interesting places. An amazing talent, and we miss her terribly. Well, that was certainly long-winded, wasn’t it? But I am passionate about the process, and I love working with singers more than anything.

Lolita asks if I enjoy travel? I like it in short spurts. I get very antsy if I’m away for too long in a place I don’t know. Was I a studious chap? Not really, that is if you mean in school. Describe an absolutely perfect day, from beginning to end. I awake from a beautiful dream, I have no petty annoyances from petty, stupid people, I create in one way or another, I eat a great meal, see a great film or play or musical, and smooch to my heart’s content whilst spooning on the couch like so much fish. Yes, that would be a swellegant day indeed. What images best represent my soul. I don’t really know. Roses. Blue skies. Rain. I don’t know. I’d have a much easier time telling you what images best represent my sole or even my filet of sole.

Mattso asks what is a tisket and a tasket and what in tarnation do they have to do with a basket? Well, these are the questions of life, are they not? I do not know what a tisket is, but I do know what a brisket is, and I’m very fond of a brisket in a basket. I also like a basket in a brisket on rare occasions. But I would never ever have a tisket, I simply wouldn’t risk it, especially on a basket, so don’t even ask it. Is there any chance of Cindy Williams and I doing another film together? Anything’s possible. Since I never finished the story of Meltz and Ernest, have they ever done a Light Opera. Yes, they were working on a Light Opera when they died. It was an opera about Edison, and it was called Light Opera. I recently read that someone is writing a light opera about a famous daytime talk show host, which is entitled Light Oprah. We don’t allow groaning here at haineshisway.com.
Kerry asks if I could do a Los Angeles production of Sugar, approximately how much would it cost and who would I cast as Osgood? Well, it would, I presume, cost what any of these things cost in a decent size house, like the Pasadena Playhouse. I think when they do musicals the budgets are in the 300,000 dollar range, but I could be very wrong. As to my cast – I’ve already said, Jason Graae and Brent Barrett would kill – as to Osgood, perhaps maybe Tom Bosley or someone like him. Next, have I ever had the Chicken Leo Frishberg at Dan Tana’s? No, I have the same fershluganah thing every time I go there: Carbonara and a Caesar Salad. Finally, if I were on my deathbed (as opposed to my lifebed or my bed of roses) what would be my last meal? Well, the above sounds awfully good to me, topped off with a piece of the wonderful coconut custard pie with whipped cream from Joe Allen. What would be my last movie to watch? Hard choice. Maybe North by Northwest, maybe The Court Jester, maybe It’s a Wonderful Life, maybe Sullivan’s Travels. What would be the last song I’d like to hear? The theme from Spartacus as played by Bill Evans. Isn’t this a bit morbid? And it’s much too fanciful as I don’t own a dead bed. I own a living breathing bed.

Freedunit asks if I’m familiar with the Tom Jones/Billy Goldenberg musical of Harold and Maude? I’m familiar with the project, but I haven’t heard any of it. What do I think of the fact that Burger King has usurped my initials as the focus of a nationwide advertising campaign? Well, I wouldn’t mind if the commercials weren’t so obnoxious, with all that dripping food. I hate dripping noisy food, that just skeeves me. Oh, yes, it skeeves me to see and hear dripping noisy food. I like my food neat and I like my food quiet. If Freedunit were Barbara Walters what kind of tree would I be? A cold, sassy tree. Do I still act and if not would I again? I suppose anything is possible, but I don’t know that I would pursue it. If someone came to me with something interesting that I felt I could do a reasonable job with, sure, I might. And I still would love to act in a Broadway play or musical. That is still one of my dreams. Having just published Benjamin Kritzer, would I consider publishing an anthology of my lyrics, plays and screenplays? Funnily, I had thought about trying to publish a One From Column A anthology but reason prevailed. I suppose an anthology of lyrics would be really fun to put together – you know, the real songs, and the what if songs, and the spoofy songs. And I certainly would publish the screenplay to Nudie Musical if I thought anyone would care. For a special occasion would I join with everyone here and have some chocolate cake? Absolutely positively and also positively absolutely. Is bitch-slapping the designated bitch-slapper ever permissible, or is it unseemly. It is definitely unseemly and therefore permissible.

Michael Shayne asks how the electronic hat works. I put in all the High Winners into a specially designed hat, and it arbitrarily picks the winner. What is the progress of the musical The Night of the Hunter. I know there has been interest from various regional theaters, but I don't think anything is really happening right now, which is a shame, as it's quite wonderful. If I were to do a cabaret ack what kind of show would I do? Well, I did a cabaret act regularly from 1985 to 1992, always at The Gardenia. It was an evening of my songs performed by me. I had a fine musical director named Rich Ruttenberg and we had a blast doing it. I did do my impression of Don Knotts playing Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof. And I occasionally did Anthony Newley and Joel Grey both singing What Kind of Fool Am I?, which I called Duelling Fools. If I were to do an act now, I'm really not sure what it would be or what form it would take. I do know I wouldn't only do my own material.

S. Woody White asks what series I'd like to see preserved on DVD? Well, one of them has just been announced, The Outer Limits. I'd also love to have a box set of Name of the Game, and I'd like a Perry Mason box set, too. Zorro would be fun, and a box with episodes from all the 50s classic western tv shows, and a Superman box set.

My goodness, I am bleary-eyed and vaguely discontented from typing, typing, typing (that is three typings). I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must hit the road, Jack, but I will definitely come back, and if I missed any questions that arrived too late for inclusion I shall answer them in the posts section. I do hope my answers were to your liking. Today’s topic of discussion: What is the single scariest moment you’ve ever seen in a film? I’ll start: Wait Until Dark, gets me every single time (you know the scene I’m speaking of – if not, go rent the film right now and watch it with all the lights out. Your turn.