haines his way

06/14/2002:
"BALLS IN THE AIR"

Well, dear readers, I must write these notes in a hurry, in a flash, in a wink of a blink of an eye, because I have an incredibly busy day today. And yet, I don’t have a clue as to what I should write about. Perhaps I should write about nothing whatsoever, but isn’t that what I do everyday? Here, I have an incredibly busy day today and yet I am sitting here scratching my head like so much fish, knowing I must hurry and yet not typing. I have many balls in the air right now, dear readers, in fact I am laden with balls in the air. That is very exhilarating because if even one of these balls were to land successfully it would be a very good thing indeed. If more than one were to land successfully, then we would all have to dance the Hora or, at the very least, the Mashed Potato. So, let us all keep our collective fingers crossed and hope for some successful ball landing. I know I’m being enigmatic, but I don’t really like to discuss balls whilst said balls are in the air. So, balls, for example, will not be the topic of discussion today.
Luckily, today is Friday, which means it’s a short notes day, because yesterday’s notes were like War and Peace, they were endless and long but still a classic of Russian literature. Today’s notes will be a classic of rushin’ literature.
The weather here in Los Angeles, California, has been frightfully beautiful. Can something be frightfully beautiful? The days have been sunny and hot and the nights have been cool and dark. Has anyone noticed that I am writing about the fershluganah weather, for heaven’s sake? That is what these notes have come to, a weather report. What’s next? Sports?
Our very own Mr. Donald Feltham won some kind of contest, some Tony guessing contest. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that too too?
Has anyone noticed that these here notes are herky-jerky and also jerky-herky? They seem to be written in fits and starts, in spasmodic spurts, in bits and pieces. This is what happens when you are a rushin’ notes writer. Oh, by the way (BTW in Internet lingo) in reading through yesterday’s notes I noticed many typos – they were so long and endless that I never had a chance to go through them and fix. I will however. I will fix those disgusting typos and it will be as if they were never there. The typos will simply disappear and it will all be very Orwellian and won’t that be swellian.
Well, I feel we should all click on that Unseemly Button below, so I can finish these here rushin’ notes.

Has anyone noticed that when they bring up haineshisway.com that my photo is out-of-focus? Or is that just happening on my computer? When you click on the Unseemly Button and then scroll up, only then is it in focus. But when I first log onto the site it is totally blurry and amorphous. I told Mr. Mark Bakalor about it and he insists that it is in focus. This, I believe, is known as the Gaslight treatment, because if that’s “in focus” I shall have to get very strong glasses. Is anyone else having this problem?
I am not going to have time to come up with a trivia question for our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest tomorrow, so I need a guest question quickly, from one of you dear readers. Send me several and I shall choose, and the chosen one shall receive a sparkling prize.
I promise that tomorrow’s notes will not be herky-jerky, will not be written in fits and starts – tomorrow’s notes will be languid and fluid and smooth and sleek and buff and toned with abs and buns of steel. Tomorrow’s notes shall be amusing and pithy and we shall all laugh and laugh and do Onna White’s choreography to Got a Lot of Livin’ To Do, from the film of Bye Bye Birdie, whilst wearing our pink peddle pushers and frilly blouses. Oh, what fun we shall have tomorrow when I am not doing the rushin’ version of these here notes. We will take our time and relax and be languorously lazy, lying on our hammocks, taking our time, moseying along through the nooks and crannies of these here notes. Won’t that be fun? Won’t that just be too too?
Well, I must be off, I must take the day, I must watch the various balls that are in the air because unwatched balls are a dangerous thing. I know there were some late questions posted yesterday, or some questions I inadvertently didn’t answer, so hold those and resubmit them for next week. Today’s topic of discussion: Yesterday, someone asked me where I would like to travel – if you could choose one place to go that you haven’t been before, where would it be and why? For me it would be first and foremost England, because I am a true Anglophile and Brit lover. Your turn.

Replies: 24 Unseemly Comments

Bruce.. the reason your picture seems blurry is because AOL (or AO-HELL as I sometimes call it) uses a compression method to load graphics faster - what you lose though is quality. And here at HHW, we must have the highest quality! So.. I am sending you an email under seperate cover on how to fix that truant and errant behavior of AOHELL
Posted by Craig @ 06/14/2002 09:12 AM PST

Australia with Dame Edna.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/14/2002 09:12 AM PST

Maybe Canada...have never been there...have never seen a real live Mountie...
Maybe Scotland...have never been there...nave never seen a kilted Scotsman...
Maybe parts of Poland once known as Prussia...never been there...have never seen a Prussian or Pole in his native habitat...
Egypt.
South Africa.
Holland (aka The Netherlands)...for so many reasons...not the least of which is the amenities I've read about..
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/14/2002 09:35 AM PST

I'd have to say England, too. I want to go find Anthony Hopkins and subsequently swoon uncontrollably. I'd also love to visit Paris and Florence and Venice and Rome and...
Posted by Lolita @ 06/14/2002 09:36 AM PST

Lolita -- don't you mean Jeremy Irons?
As for me, Australia, Europe, Greece and Asia. Pretty much where I have not been. I have travelled to all 50 states a few times, canada, bahamas, mexico, grand cayman, etc. Definitely Australia (but I'll pass being FREEDUNIT and Edna's companion on that trip).
Posted by Craig @ 06/14/2002 09:41 AM PST

I finally have the manners to post!
Posted by Emily @ 06/14/2002 09:43 AM PST

I don't want to sound like a world traveler but since I've been to Paris (loved it), Normandy (northern France, specifically Honfleur ADORED it) London and it's environs (saw distant relatives there in Sheffield-my paternal grandmother's family and had a grand time), Dublin and Western Ireland (gorgeous country and lovely people), Belgium (too much chocolate is never enough) and Amsterdam (smoking funny cigarettes right in the street - oh, my stars and garters!) I think I would search out southern Europe and go to Florence and/or Venice (not that I speak a syllable of Italian), having heard from many friends how beautiful they are. I know, I know, that's two places and BK asked for one, but I need a bitch slap to wake me up, so fire away!
BTW (by the way) speaking of Bye, Bye Birdie, for those of us in New York City, it is the closing event in the Bryant Park Summer Film Festival. I have included the blurb from the Web site describing the film. It begins at dusk on August 19th. Go to
http://www.bryantpark.org/html/hbo.htm
for more information
AUG 19: BYE BYE BIRDIE(Sony/Columbia) A small Iowa town is in an uproar when Conrad Birdie (an Elvis Presley-like rock idol) arrives to bestow one last kiss on a lucky local teen before joining the Army. High-spirited musical, with plenty of hummable tunes and Onna White choreography, proves there's a lot of livin' to do. The stars are Ann-Margret, Janet Leigh, Dick Van Dyke, Paul Lynde and Bobby Rydell. Jesse (whatever happened to?) Pearson is the Birdie in question, while, Ed Sullivan plays himself to stony perfection. (1963) 112 Min. Panavision.
What did happen to Jesse Pearson?
Posted by Ben @ 06/14/2002 10:33 AM PST

This is truly the "Post-Emily" post.
I have always wanted to travel to Brazil. There I can eating fattening food, dance the samba, and drink Cachaca until I pass out.
Posted by Mattso @ 06/14/2002 10:37 AM PST

Jesse Pearson died of cancer in December 1979. He was 49 years old. Following "Birdie," he had guest shots on 60s TV comedies, plus a supporting role in the film "Advance to the Rear" (1964).
He also narrated Parts I and II of "I Sing the Body Electric" -- Walt Whitman poems set to music by Rod McKuen. I don't believe these have hever been released on CD, but I could be mistaken.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/14/2002 11:04 AM PST

Craig [bitch-slap] Look at me when I bitch-slap you! Had you even yet been issued an invitation? I am tearing it up as I post this…
Posted by freedunit @ 06/14/2002 12:18 PM PST

Warning: The use of [bitch-slap] and any likeness without written consent or prior permission of the designated bitchslapper is unseemly, unruley and certainly unforgivable. © 2002 Bitchslap Inc.
Thank you for reading
Posted by Craig @ 06/14/2002 12:31 PM PST

You are welcome [bitch-slap].
Posted by freedunit @ 06/14/2002 12:51 PM PST

The soundtrack album of Bye Bye Birdie described above is on RCA -- the original cast album is on Sony/Columbia.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 06/14/2002 01:16 PM PST

I take back the previous note -- I didn't realize they were referring to Columbia PICTURES! Oh, well.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 06/14/2002 01:19 PM PST

Warning: 02:09 PM PST [bitch-slap]
Copyright © 2002 by the Bitch-slapper. All bitches and slaps reserved.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/14/2002 02:09 PM PST

Berlin:
For the weird deviant sex that you can get there.
Amsterdam:
For the weird deviant sex that you can get there.
Bangkok:
The name says it all
Posted by Phileas Fogg @ 06/14/2002 02:15 PM PST

I like BRAZIL!! That's where all the nuts come from.
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 06/14/2002 03:10 PM PST

Foggy, what is weird and deviant about sex available in Amsterdam and Berlin? Weird and deviant and other types of sex are available domestically, too. Isn’t weird and deviant sex oxymoronic, anyway? Bangkok is a transliteration, but obviously catches undue attention from some, you naughty, little globe-circler, you.
Warning: 03:26 PM PST [bitch-slap]
Copyright © 2002 by the Bitch-slapper. All bitches and slaps reserved.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/14/2002 03:26 PM PST

What is weird and deviant for one person is quite normal for another. And it can happen anywhere.
Boston, New England, I guess. I've been to quite a few of the other places but never Boston. Oh, and maybe Cairo. (Boston and Cairo-- some combination, huh?)
Posted by Kerry @ 06/14/2002 05:12 PM PST

Caig- I love Jeremy, but when it comes to swooning I need Anthony or some old mountain Jew.
Posted by Lolita @ 06/14/2002 08:47 PM PST

Those of us "downunder" in Oz seem more widley travelled.I have yet to visit San Francisco and suspect at 56 I am now a little too old to enjoy it. On my trip to Europe & NY last year I decided that the best looking people seemed to live in Copenhagen.
No-one has yet suggested New Zealand. It is really beautiful with friendly people and even the Australian $ is worth something there. The sheep farmers look pretty good to me. (despite all the sheep jokes that are common in Australia, we love New Zealand and the "Kiwis".)
I live about one hour's drive from Dame Edna's "Moonee Ponds".Her close friend Barry attended Melbourne University a few years before I was there. I believe it was at the University that Edna (not then Dame) made her first appearances in public as an "entertainer" - About the same time that Germaine Greer was honing her skills at the same institution. (I guess there are similarities. Maybe Edna is more feminine though I certainly doubt if she is a eunuch!)
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 06/14/2002 08:51 PM PST

Not to be confused with Mountain Dew,
I am a mountain Jew.
I suggested New Zealand.
I said Australia with Dame Edna.
Doesn’t that count?
Warning:
09:45 PM PST [bitch-slap]
Posted by freedunit @ 06/14/2002 09:45 PM PST

Good Grief! Has Australia taken over New Zealand? Is Canada the U.S.A.? Why am I always the last to know? How to insult two countries at once. Dame Edna would be aghast. Australia and NZ do make up AUSTRALASIA as a geographic unit. Hope you eventually get to visit both countries. Your sense of humour would be welcome in these troubled times. (For what it's worth, not all Australians are what our Prime Minister represents.Thank God.)
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 06/14/2002 11:05 PM PST

Australasia has always sounded to me like a cozy, little, tucked-away continent Down Under, a sort of summer holiday destination for Asia. I do hope to visit. I await the Dame’s invitation…
Posted by freedunit @ 06/15/2002 05:48 AM PST

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