haines his way

06/21/2002:
"THE CASE OF THE FROZEN AOL"

Well, dear readers, I have no idea if these here notes will ever go up because I cannot connect to the ridiculous AOL, it simply freezes every single time I get on to the home page. I have tried calling AOL but cannot, of course, get through. It’s not the access number because I’ve changed that several times and have even tried the 800 number. I have already had a severe meltdown over this, because I have an important phone meeting at noon and the notes for said meeting reside on AOL which, by the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) is frozen. Yes, Virginia, you can call AOL Bird’s Eye because it is frozen. Frozen, frozen, frozen (that is three frozens). Couldn’t be more frozen than AOL if you lived on the North Pole.
Well, in happier news, I received the Nudie Musical DVDs, and I actually managed to get all of your preordered copies to the post office yesterday, so they are on their merry way unless, that is, you asked me to hold your copy to get other cast member’s autographs. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?
Last night I was working on the special surprise that will come to all those who ordered their very own copies of Benjamin Kritzer from haineshisway.com. I suppose I shall now tell you exactly what that surprise is, because why should I keep such a thing from you any longer? In the book, there are several song quotes – so, I enlisted the aid of my close personal friend, Mr. Guy Haines and my other close personal friend, Mr. Grant Geissman, and we have recorded a mini-CD of five of the songs that are quoted within my very own novel. We are, of course, down to the wire in getting it finished in time to actually ship with the books (which should be here on Wednesday) but I have every hope that we, in fact, will finish and that everything will be fine and dandy and also dandy and fine. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Music to Read Benjamin Kritzer By. I won’t reveal what the five songs are, that part we’ll keep a surprise.
Have I mentioned that AOL is frozen? Does Earthlink freeze? Because, frankly, other than the convenience, I’ve just about had it with dear sweet frozen AOL. I even just set up my other laptop and tried from there, and the same thing happens. Aohwell, we’ll just have to wait and see if this situation rights itself soon. According to a friend, it certainly was working earlier this morning.
This sort of thing is so annoying I can’t even think straight. I am now thinking crooked because of this sort of thing. Well, there is nothing to do but click on that Unseemly Button below, even though I currently can’t see the Unseemly Button below because dear sweet AOL is frozen, chilled, iced, frosted. Well, let’s click anyway, and whilst clicking let’s send a haineshisway.com collective bitch-slap to AOL.

Luckily, today’s notes are short notes – well, they’re no notes if AOL doesn’t defrost. In any case, yesterday I promised you the Meltz and Ernest song Rankled in a Leopard-skin Dickie, so here it is.
RANKLED IN A LEOPARD-SKIN DICKIE
Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest
When I am happy I like to wear nice clothing
But when I’m loathing
I like to wear weird stuff.
So, look at what I’m wearing, baby and maybe
You’ll see…
That as of now, I’ve really had enough!
I am
Rankled in a leopard-skin dickie,
Yes, I know a dickie’s just a bit sickie.
But when I’m rankled then I just become picky
About the wardrobe I wear
Not to mention my hair
I am rankled in a leopard-skin dickie,
So I’ll make this little ditty a quickie.
I am rankled ‘cause you gave me a hicky
And so I covered the hicky
With the leopard-skin dickie
Anger brewed and then I stewed
And now I’m standing in the nude
With my hair all akimbo and my leopard-skin dickie
I’m sure that you might find this rude
But I am rankled in a leopard-skin dickie
Because the hicky has ruined my mood!
And I am rankled!
The hicky has ruined my mood!
You little dickens!
That hicky has ruined my mood!
Isn’t that a fine Meltz and Ernest song? I do wish you could hear the music because Meltz so perfectly captures the Meltzdown that the lyric conveys.
I wonder if AOL is still frozen? Here it is, eleven o’clock and these here notes are still not up. I suppose I shall go check and see. If you are reading these here notes, then AOL has unfrozen itself.
Don’t forget, we have a brand spanking new handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest tomorrow, and Donald has a brand spanking new handy-dandy radio show going up Sunday afternoon – and the special guest on that show will be none other than my very own self. We’re doing a special show all about Nudie Musical and the new DVD, and also a bit about Benjamin Kritzer – we intend to have quite a bit of fun, so do tune in. I may even read an excerpt from the book.
Well, I must see what is what, I must take the day, I must do the things I do and try not to have any more meltdowns today. Today’s topic of discussion (if AOL stops being frozen, that is): If you could sup with one person that you’ve never met before, who would that person be and why would you wish to sup with them?

Replies: 36 Unseemly Comments

Well, AOL has defrosted. You can blame them, you can blame Mame, you can blame Rio, you can blame my Youth (hah!) but don't blame Me. The fun news is that because these here notes went up so late, we broke the post record and had an astonishing 69 posts. Isn't that exciting? Isn't that just too too? 69 count them 69 posts. Oh, what a popular place we are, I am oozing enthusiasm and happiness after my brief momentary morning meltdown.
Posted by bk @ 06/21/2002 11:27 AM PST

If I could sup with someone I have not heretofore met I would choose Bruce Kimmell because I feel I know him from these here notes (and will likely know him more when I read "Benjamin Kritzer"). If he will be in NYC and wants to sup with me, he has my e-mail address.
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 06/21/2002 11:39 AM PST

There are so many wonderful folks I communicate with but have never met, and I would love to sup with them all, individually, at different times and in different restaurants.
Given the cine-theatrical nature of our Unseemly Posts, however, I think I would choose David Shire as a person with whom I would choose to sup. I think he would be a marvelous person to chat with, to listen to, and he seems to the sort of person to whom I could sing his praises without being gushy or tongue-tied (and without really singing).
Yes, David Shire.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/21/2002 11:43 AM PST

I think that I would sup with Jesus Christ, because I think that supping with Jesus Christ, a fine dude, I've heard, would be very educational indeed.
Posted by Lolita @ 06/21/2002 11:59 AM PST

If I had realized yesterday’s post total was 69, I would not have posted a seventieth, because 69 would have been a too-too place to stop.
An unseemly dinner companion? I must contemplate…
In the mean time, may I recommend contemplating an internet service provider (ISP), rather than AOL?
Posted by freedunit @ 06/21/2002 12:04 PM PST

I don't suppose anybody here could tell me how to get my Panasonic RV31 DVD player to play a VCD, hmmmmmm? Hubby was the last to have the instruction manual, and it apparently disappeared into a black hole. Now I've got these lovely drive-in intermission clips to watch, but don't know how to get them to play... :(
Posted by Lulu @ 06/21/2002 12:06 PM PST

Never mind...I figured it out. :)
Posted by Lulu @ 06/21/2002 12:40 PM PST

Congratulations! Doesn’t it feel good to have conquered an RV31 DVD with a VCD?
Posted by freedunit @ 06/21/2002 01:08 PM PST

I would also talk with Bruce Kimmel. He is wittty and prety and bright and I pity anyone who doesn't want to sup with him tonight.
There are other people like Julie Andrews, Stephen Sondheim and Angela Lansbury but I have already met them. So they don't count.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 06/21/2002 01:21 PM PST

And the packages just keep coming. The Benjamin Kritzer hardcovers have just this minute arrived. Isn't that exciting? Isn't that just too too? However, if it's okay with everyone, I will hold them until Tuesday of next week before shipping so that the surprise CD will be ready. If anyone doesn't care about the surprise CD and wants their book shipped earlier, just drop me an e-mail.
Posted by bk @ 06/21/2002 01:58 PM PST

I should like to dine with Mrs. Coleman Lafoon. She seems like a VERY interesting person. And now that she will soon be appearing nightly in my neighborhood, I just may pursue said dinner plans (with our mutual spouses, of course).
BK, I hope you will not be playing those very exclusive Guy Haines tracks on Donald's radio show -- they must be reserved for the select few who have purchased your book via this site. Incidentally, after much kvetching on the part of Ms SG, I have finally returned her advance copy of said novel -- unread! Now I will have to wait for my pristine First Edition copy to devour your roman a clef. I will sincerely attempt to do so post haste. [Promises, Promises!]
Posted by Robert Armin @ 06/21/2002 02:01 PM PST

I am hoping there are no restrictions on this question.
As usual, I cannot limit it to one. I'm going to pick on odd sampling: Mind you, these would all have to be separate sups so that we can really talk.
Fred Astaire ( do I really need to give a reason?)
Doris Day (I think she'd be great to talk to about dogs and music and so much)
Lon McCallister (I think he has has a fascinating life and would be very pleasnat to visit with)
Nathan Lane (I am hoping he would be great fun to dine with)
And last but certainly not least:
The esteemed Mr. Kimmel,
The elusive Mr. Haines,
and all of the Hainsie/Kimmlet family.
I was going to ask a question, but I'll give Bruce a break since he has such a busy weekend.
Oh, from yesterday: one more role I'd like to tackle-- Starbuck in "110 in the Shade" (although I'd probably get stuck with playing File)
Posted by Kerry @ 06/21/2002 02:19 PM PST

And of course, the enchanting Sushi Tomoto of Kyoto. I am so afraid that I would just gush, though, to be in her presence. One cannot even imagine being in her presence!
Posted by Kerry @ 06/21/2002 02:36 PM PST

freedunit, I think we all remember and can relate to the tender, tremulous, very first time we conquered our RV31 DVD with a VCD. It's a glow that never quite goes away.
Posted by Lulu @ 06/21/2002 02:48 PM PST

Wait.. Sushi is a woman? Who knew??!!
Posted by Craig @ 06/21/2002 02:50 PM PST

Nathan Lane WOULD be fun to dine with, but I'm afraid I'd be cracking up all throughout dinner and would never get to really talk with him.
His eyebrows, you see, have a life of their own. I saw him on a special about Italy (or Venice, alone) and he spent time in kitchens and at tables eating and his eyebrows just kept bobbing up and down -- I kept thinking that were I sitting with him, I'd be snorting my wine at the most inopportune moments.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/21/2002 02:59 PM PST

A big welcome to the Benjamin Kritzer books that have arrived. I think waiting for the surprise is the only way to go.
Kerry, I am still contemplating with what stranger I should choose to sup, but it would be great fun to join you at dinners with Fred Astaire, Doris Day, and Nathan Lane. I would be glad to bring excellent chocolate cakes, if you would not mind. I hope Ms. Day and Mr. Lane would enjoy cake. I wonder if Mr. Astaire would have some. Also, there should be at least a couple of doggies at dinner with Doris.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/21/2002 03:09 PM PST

Craig, if you knew Sushi like you-know-who knew Sushi…! Oh! Oh! What a girl!
Posted by freedunit @ 06/21/2002 03:10 PM PST

freedunit -- how did you know you-know-who knew Sushi?
Posted by Robert Armin @ 06/21/2002 03:12 PM PST

Robert-
He could tell ya..but then he'd have to kill ya.
It's been rumoured that Sushi Tomoto is part of the witness relocation program...but I'm not at liberty to discuss my sources...
Posted by Craig @ 06/21/2002 03:15 PM PST

I've got a sneaking suspicion that I, too, know Sushi -- but not in that way, of course.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 06/21/2002 03:18 PM PST

Forgot to mention. My father, brother and I went to see Minority Report today. I'll post my review later...
Posted by Craig @ 06/21/2002 03:20 PM PST

Robert and Freedunit... if you know Sushi and she is FRESH, then I authorize you to bitch-slap her!
Posted by Craig @ 06/21/2002 03:28 PM PST

Of course, I know you-know-who knows Sushi san. Didn’t you know I knew?
Craig, I believe you are correct that Sushi san is in witness protection. Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t the fresh Ms. Tomoto in the vegatation-relocation program?
Speaking of fresh, Craig, if you are going to write about The Minority Report, remember that the majority have not seen it, and spoilers are not allowed, not even fresh spoilers. I am just trying to stave off another round of bitch-slapping.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/21/2002 04:48 PM PST

I might even forego dinner with Messrs. Astaire and Lane and Ms. Day just for an evening with Sushi Tomoto and Guy Haines together! To share a table and conversation with both of them-- just think of it!
Posted by Kerry @ 06/21/2002 04:54 PM PST

Freedunit-
I plan to post no spoilers, no grills, hood ornaments or wings of any kind. I also have decided not to post said review until Bruce brings it up and then we can create a multitude of merry and masterful minority milieu.
Posted by Craig @ 06/21/2002 06:05 PM PST

Oh my dear, dear Kimlians and Hainseses! How thrilling to have so much spirited conversation about me on my very, very favorite web site! It is all just too too, as our beloved Bruce Kimmel San would say.
I shall endeavor to answer each and every one of your posts, but please bear with me, as I am not as skilled in these matters as our wonderful Bruce Kimmel San, and I could not possibly handle a weekly Ask Sushi Day.
First, to freedunit san, regarding your remark yesterday. Teehee. Yes indeed, I understood your "little theatre joke". I am a fast learner, and my IQ is not low.
And my dear, dear Craig San, I am not sure that the others understood that you were having a little fun with them. Honestly! Could anyone doubt my gender after the international scandal occasioned by the hot tub scene in Ninja Geisha II: Arranging the Flowers?
Robert Armin San, indeed I appreciate your keeping our private e-mail correspondence private. And my regards to your lovely wife.
And Craig San again, I know you were having a little fun with my professional name. But these jokes have been made so often both here and abroad that they cease to disturb me. Sometime soon I shall explain the origin of my somewhat curious name (but no more curious than Rip Torn or Cloris Leachman), but that will have to wait for another time.
In the meantime, let me assure you all that I am not easily offended, and to Kerry San in particular let me say that you needn't feel intimidated at the very real possibility of dining with me. I am actually very earthy and do not lack the common touch, having arisen from humble origins myself. I also believe it is important for a legendary megastar of the silver screen to alway remain closely in touch with the fans, the little people who have made her career possible.
As to dining with me. I should indeed love to dine with you all if you ever find yourselves in Kyoto. However, I will be spending some time in the United States of America next year for the filming of Butterfly's Revenge, and would love to arrange some meetings, although I am afraid I will be a total slave to my shooting schedule, and I have already promised Bruce Kimmel San that I would give first priority to visiting him to see his director's cut of tCwN and schmooze on his couch.
Love, kisses, and chi to you all,
Your Sushi
Posted by Sushi Tomoto from Kyoto @ 06/21/2002 06:28 PM PST

I feel so CHI-ted
Posted by Craig @ 06/21/2002 06:44 PM PST

I would probably choose between Matthew Broderick and Michael Ball. I would be too tongue-tied and intellectually intimidated to even speak to Mr Sondheim. (I admire his work so much and he has certainly enriched my life with his lyrics and music).
Mr Ball and Mr Broderick seem to have their feet on their ground despite their successful lives. Spiderman (Mr McGuire) might also be an interesting dinner companion.Mr Kimmel would be a wonderful dinner companion as I think he would have the ability to make people feel comfortable in his presence. His anecdotes would certainly make the dinner memorable. In all I think I had better stay home and dream.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 06/21/2002 06:50 PM PST

Sushi san, I knew you would understand. I never suggested you are not a fast learner or that your and IQ is low.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/21/2002 07:10 PM PST

I will garlic favor, I will salt favor, I will turmeric favor--but I will not curry favor. Notwithstanding, my first choice of dinner companion would be Bruce Kimmel. I would not worry about embarrassing myself in his presence. I have done that enough times already.
Second is Angela Landsbury, who, I believe, would be quite comfortable to talk to about anything and everything.
Third would be Stephen Sondheim if I could just overcome my awe.
In fact, I have heard a third-hand story about an acquaintance of an acquaintance who shall remain nameless. This certain young lady was attending a Broadway show alone and found herself seated next to La Landsbury, who initiated converation. They chatted during intermission, and after the show Angela invited the young lady to join her for dinner--with Stephen Sondheim. Urban legend or not, it is consistent with what I have heard about AL from those who have worked with her.
------------------------------
Now that I think about it, I recall being asked the same question some three decades ago. My answers were Stephen Sondheim, Vladimir Nabokov (who would definitely be much more intimidating than SS), and H. S. M. Coxeter. of course my chance with Nabokov has passed--barring dinner in my home sweet heaven--and I have since had the opportunity to dine with Coxeter. I still have an opening for Mr. Sondheim.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 06/21/2002 08:49 PM PST

Lansbury.
Posted by Angela, Bruce, Edgar, David, and Felicia @ 06/21/2002 09:11 PM PST

Dat's my fault. Sorry for de mistake.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 06/21/2002 09:17 PM PST

Well, like Mr. Shayne, I have already met the illustrious trio of Lansbury, Andrews and Sondheim.
I have wined and dined on Mulligan's stew, BUT not with either Betty Lynn or Barbara C; though I would love to have them both over for a nice home-cooked meal together.
Also would love to chat with Ann-Margret; but my Siberian Husky likes to sit between the speakers whenever I play my Doris Day cds, so, I'll let Miss Minx say that she'd like have Doris over for dinner and conversation. I know that Minx and Dodo would get along just fine.
Posted by td @ 06/22/2002 07:31 AM PST

If she would do the cooking, I'd love to dine with Sophia Loren!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/22/2002 07:41 AM PST

With whom to sup?
My future partner, because I am hungry and I would like to know who he is.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/23/2002 11:34 AM PST

Ask BK: Got a question? Ask Bruce Kimmel...

© Copyright 2001-2003 Bruce Kimmel.
All Rights Reserved. Site design by hijinks design.