haines his way

06/23/2002:
"THE MOE FACTOR"

Well, dear readers, here we are on a beautiful Sunday morning in Sunny Los Angeles, California. I’m about to head off with my pal Grant Geissman to attend a Butterfield’s Auction. I’m not buying today, but he might be and he hates to buy alone or not have an advisor with him. I shall be that very advisor – and I shall advise until the cows come home.
Yesterday, I taped this week’s radio show, which will be up this afternoon. We had a lot of fun doing it, although, as usual, it was in the morning so both Donald and I are endlessly clearing our throats. The first half of the show we talk about Benjamin Kritzer and I even read a couple of passages from the book, and I read them rather poorly as I recall. The second half of the show is about the Nudie DVD and we played songs from the included soundtrack CD and talked all about the movie. Do tune in and give it a listen.
Yesterday, I was asked if I had a list of the albums I’ve produced. I was going to put it in today’s notes, but apparently, for reasons I don’t understand, when I copied all my Word files over to this brand spanking new computer, that one didn’t see fit to come along. That one just stayed behind of its own volition, whatever the hell that is. So, I will copy it over later this evening and put it in tomorrow’s notes. In the meantime, dear reader Michael Shayne printed a fairly complete list which you can find in yesterday’s posts. It does include a lot of things that I don’t include on my list – i.e. things I executive produced or oversaw, and a few of my Bay Cities’ albums, which I never count (I don’t really know why – I did produce them, after all – it just seems that my real producing life started with Unsung Sondheim and Liz Callaway at Varese – the other albums, to me, were rehearsals). Michael’s list is missing just a handful of albums of the things I’ve produced, and quite a few of the things I “supervised”, which include many soundtracks at both Bay Cities and Varese. However, I was amazed that the list was as complete and accurate as it was.
Last night, Guy Haines and I went over to Grant Geissman’s studio and we recorded the vocals for Music to Read Benjamin Kritzer By. We should be finished mixing them by Monday morning, and I’m hopeful I can get them duplicated that very day, and get these here books and CD surprise shipped first thing Tuesday. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?
Have you ever had a day when you felt like a member of The Three Stooges? Today, for example, I’m in a Moe kind of mood. I just want to go poke some people in the eyes and slap some people in the head and say pithy and piquant things like, “Why you” and “Why I oughta”. Yesterday, I was in more of a Curly mood, feeling very nyuk nyuk and smart alecky. When the AOL freeze happened I was definitely in a Larry mood, pulling out my hair. Don’t you feel that The Three Stooges are an example of life itself? They were quite daring, you know, and very ahead of their time. When such things were taboo, for example, they were sleeping three in a bed. And haven’t there been days when you’ve wanted to take a hammer and crown someone? Yes, I feel we’ve all had Three Stooges moments, and I feel we are the better for it. Why am I writing about The Three Stooges? Sometimes these things just pop out and I have no control or power to stop them. And even if I did have control or power to stop them, I would just say “nyuk, nyuk, nyuk” to said control or power.
Well, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below before we are bitch-slapped from here to eternity by our very own Mr. Mark Bakalor who, when he is in his bitch-slapping mode, is Moe Personified.

Perhaps I’ll poke Mr. Grant Geissman in the eye today, whilst I am in my Moe mood. Was Five Guys Named Moe a musical about The Three Stooges? Was One Moe Time a musical about The Three Stooges? Was Oklahoma!, whose leading character is Curly, a musical about The Three Stooges? I think Curly would have made a fine Curly, don’t you? I can just hear him now, crooning People Will Say We’re In Love Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.
I have been on an onion bagel binge. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I have been on an onion bagel binge and have been eating onion bagels daily. Sometimes with cream cheese, sometimes with cream cheese and a soupcon of lox. That reminds me of:
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Locksmith.
Locksmith who?
Locksmith bagels.
We do not allow groaning here at haineshisway.com. By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo), the punch line must be read with a slight Jewish accent. I know there are good knock knock jokes but apparently I don’t know them. I do know some good nyuk nyuk jokes though. Actually, I don’t know from jokes at all. Some people know jokes and some don’t. I have never known jokes. I write comedy sometimes, even punch lines, I suppose, but never jokes. Oh, I lie, I wrote one joke once – here it is:
Moses was feeling quite ill one day – he had a terrible headache. So, he went to Temple and he prayed to the Lord – “Lord, I have this terrible headache, plus I’m a little nauseous. What shall I do, Lord?” And the Lord said, “Why don’t you go up to Mount Sinai and take two tablets”.
I didn’t say it was a good joke. Well, dear readers, I must put on my Auction Advisor Clothing and be off. I must look for people to poke in the eye, for I am in a Moe mood and woe to the people who look at me askance today. Today’s topic of discussion: Of course today is Sunday, free-for-all day, the day you get to discuss whatever your collective Hainsie/Kimlet hearts desire. But I feel you should also post some knock knock jokes, too. Or some nyuk nyuk jokes. Post away, my pretties.

Replies: 33 Unseemly Comments

Oh my, my, my, I did not post yesterday about board games. I was so busy with hair things and nail things and wardrobe things, not to mention makeup things, that there was just no time.
So in answer to William F. Orr San's question, there may be a Japanese version of Scrabble, but I have never seen it. It would be very different indeed, as our characters are syllabic rather than phonetic as yours (theoretically) are. I am fairly certain, however, that no one has adapted the game for Chinese.
For the most part, I am bored by board games. My second husband vainly attempted to introduce me to Go, and in the end he chose to go for Go instead of me. Ah me!
Well, I must rush off to fix some of the hair things and wardrobe things that came out rather badly yesterday.
ta ta all,
Your Sushi
Posted by Sushi Tomoto from Kyoto @ 06/23/2002 10:36 AM PST

Did Bruce ever answer the question about who he'd like to sup with?
The only knock knock jokes I know are the ones first graders tell me when I go to read books to them a few times a year. And they're the same knock knock jokes first graders have ALWAYS told (including me way back when), and you all know them.
I'll think of something to say alter whaen I have a little more time.
Posted by Kerry @ 06/23/2002 10:41 AM PST

BK-
It's funny how your day starts because of something you read or hear. Today in the New York Times there is a wonderful piece by Mary Cleere Haran about Richard Rodgers and primarily Rodgers and Hart. I went to the shelf and took down Mary Cleere's THIS FUNNY WORLD-Mary Cleere Haran Sings Lyrics by Hart.I didn't realize or remember what a beautiful CD it is .And it was produced by our own Kimlet.
So the answer to your question is YES as far as the list of your Produced Music.Is Come back Shayne's list complete? If not,give us more to see!!And as a footnote-If you people out there don't have this CD-Beg,borrow or for Bruce's sake Buy this beautiful work of Art.
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 06/23/2002 10:49 AM PST

Well, my dearest Kimlet family, I have returned from a gala trip to New York in which I saw four excellent and highly recommended productions: The Carpetbaggers Children, Topdog/Underdog, Private Lives, and The Full Monty. I am now happy to return to this site, and banter endlessly with my ever-so-clever fellow Hainsies. Does all continue well on this site? Have there been any major bitch-slappings that I missed?
Posted by Hapgood @ 06/23/2002 12:33 PM PST

The San Francisco Chronicle "Datebook" Sunday supplement has an extensive article on the Sondheim Celebration being observed in Washington DC, including the seven Sondheim musicals being presented.
The article centered on the current presentation of "Company," which the writer claimed was possibly the best presentation "ever" -- and perhaps finally has the cast it was meant to have, including a unique performance by Lynne Redgrave in the Elaine Stritch role.
Anyone taking this celebration in???
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/23/2002 02:05 PM PST

Sad when I can think about is knock knock jokes this morning. frist grade is 50+ years ago but my favourite is still. Tequila Mocking bird.
I played my Bk produced"Broadway Bound" yesterday. Highly recommended. Really fits well with the Lost and Unsung collections. The Stephen Schwartz album is still my favourite. (The selection of his songs is wonderful and the chosen artists are the best).
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 06/23/2002 03:06 PM PST

I responded to BK about his comments yesterday privately. I figured after repeated public comments from others here I'd respond just the same...
I have never been asked to produce or create a FAQ. I had been asked to produce and create an additional section featuring said FAQ. Though I have been very busy with TheMove(tm) I had discussed with BK previously that if the FAQ was created and delivered to me I would do what I could to get it online.
The FAQ has, to my knowledge, not been created. It has therefore not been delivered to me. I can't publish that which does not exist. Therefore, I can continue to bitch slap as I please.
You're all crazy.
Posted by Mr. Mark Bakalor @ 06/23/2002 03:07 PM PST

Well, Mr. Mark Bakalor, are you married? Are you? Because I've always been taught: you can't FAQ before marriage.
Posted by Paul Fairie @ 06/23/2002 03:53 PM PST

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet Evening
Posted by nellie forbush @ 06/23/2002 03:56 PM PST

No, Mr. Fairie, I am not yet married. If you know of cute and single young women in the L.A. area you'd like to introduce me to (and keep away from BK) feel free.
That said, I've seen share of FAQing.
...and you're all crazy.
Posted by Mr. Mark Bakalor @ 06/23/2002 04:08 PM PST

The First Nudie Musical was a trend setter. The follow year there was a real porno musical. Alice in Wonderland with Kristine DeBell
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 06/23/2002 04:23 PM PST

I just want to make a comment about my Bruce Kimmel Record list I posted yesterday. I purposely left one VERY IMPORTANT cd off the list. I wanted to see if anyone would notice it. I want to congratulate Laura. She did.
It was Guy Haines: Haines His Way
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 06/23/2002 04:50 PM PST

Well, boy howdy! What a relief!
You sure tricked us on that one, Michael. You're a sneaky dude.
Yep! We'll remember that for some time.
We'll just have to watch out for you in the future!
Good'un!
Boy! Howdy (agin)!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/23/2002 07:47 PM PST

Laura, did you read?
He left it out on purpose!
We can all relax now.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/23/2002 07:50 PM PST

I was watching The First Nudie Musical for the Second Time tonight. This time with audio commentary with Bruce, Stephen Nathan and Cindy Williams.
Bruce mentioned Ann-Marget's version of The Best Little Whorehouse. Add that to the list folks.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 06/23/2002 08:11 PM PST

I don't understand the hatred on this site.. why do we need a Forget Anthony Quinn section on this site?
Life is... Yassou!
Posted by Zorba @ 06/23/2002 08:33 PM PST

It's just minor bickering, I'm sure. The boys promised to behave and play nicely. Ward, I'm still worried about the Beav.
Posted by June @ 06/23/2002 08:56 PM PST

June, when you say you are worried, do you mean about Jennifer Tilly in The Women or Kathleen Turner in The Graduate or someone else entirely?
Posted by freedunit @ 06/23/2002 09:06 PM PST

I didn't know there was hatred on this site. I thought it was all about forgiveness...
Forgive Anthony Quayle...
I'm not quite sure what it might be for...but all his movies weren't classics!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/23/2002 09:14 PM PST

Celebrating Sondheim With Cake:
Last week, I wrote that for Company, Matt Bogart (Paul), Emily Skinner (Jenny), Marcy Harriell (Marta), Walter Charles (Larry), David Pittu (Harry), and musical director Jonathan Tunick get cake, with a very special piece going to Marcy Harriell for “Another Hundred People.” Also, I said that I really like Emily Skinner’s voice and work, and that John Barrowman’s legs and butt get honorable mentions. Marcy Harriell performs her number powerfully and thrillingly, but otherwise performs the role without regard to verisimilitude, the fault the director’s, not her own. Harriell was a wonderful Maria in the 1996 bus-and-truck tour of West Side Story and has a broad range; hers is a name to watch. Like Skinner, David Pittu was excellent in his role, as was Walter Charles, a last-minute substitute for Jerry Lanning in the role of Joanne’s husband, Larry. Matt Bogart, who made an arrogant, cocky, smug, self-absorbed yet ultimately sympathetic Billy Bigelow in the 2001 Paper Mill Playhouse production of Carousel, demonstrates his range with a touching and heart-breaking performance as Paul. The talented and capable Alice Ripley is misdirected as Amy and therefore disappoints. Ripley bravely pushes Amy over the top, but in the wrong direction. Amy is a neurotic, frightened, insecure, unsure mess, not a dangerous psychopath. Ripley is permitted to play Amy so severely that much of the comedy and empathy are lost. The ultraslick Barrowman was ultraslick as Bobby, and not definitive. Bobby may be an enigma, but if he is to make the transition that enables him to sing “Being Alive” he better have a heart somewhere. Lynn Redgrave does not know from musicals and is a big mistake as Joanne. Redgrave should stick to what she knows. Egregiously miscast in a company of talented musical-theatre performers, Redgrave does not act the role convincingly and she does not sing it—period. What she does to Joanne should be illegal. For her sake and ours she should never again appear in a musical. In the same very difficult role in the aforementioned 1995 revival, Debra Monk fared much better than Redgrave does, even if she was not ideal. Until an actor is appropriately cast and plays it compellingly or reinvents it for herself, Joanne remains the domain of Elaine Stritch. The Kennedy Center production of Company is professional and slick, and good for a regional production, but not for Broadway. The Roundabout Theatre Company production was flawed, falling short in a number of elements, but was superior to the one currently in D.C.
Last week I wrote that for Sunday in the Park With George, Cris Groenendaal (Jules), Donna Migliaccio (Nurse), Florence Lacey (Yvonne), Linda Stephens (Old Woman), and the ensemble get cake, and Melissa Errico’s breasts get Nipples of Venus. I very much enjoyed Raúl Esparza’s performances in The Rocky Horror Show and tick…tick…BOOM!, but he was miscast in Sunday in the Park With George. There is no pretending he is not competing with the memory of the ideally cast Mandy Patinkin in the roles of George, but it is immediately evident he is at insurmountable disadvantage. Although Esparza has a powerful and moving pop-rock tenor, he seems not to possess the legitimate voice required by the Sunday score, which pushes his voice into a range in which it becomes unattractive and unpleasant. Additionally, he never convinces as a driven, obsessive, passionate artist, and in act two he reads very, very young—much younger than even a very immature thirty-two, the age specified. Melissa Errico sang beautifully, but she is as icy as ever and far too aristocratic for the working-class Dot. There is no pretending that she, too was not competing with the memory of her role’s creator, the ideally cast Bernadette Peters. Whereas Peters made the most of Dot, making her feisty and sexy and fully realized, Errico never seems to make an emotional connection of any kind. Although she was miscast as Dot, in contrast, in the second act Errico did well by Marie. Like Company, Sunday is professional and slick, and good for a regional production, but not for Broadway, especially in terms of its physical production. Despite the rumors and wishful thinking, I cannot imagine Sondheim letting the production come to New York, but then he did approve the abominable Tyne Daly in Gypsy.
I am disappointed that no groaning is to be allowed. Because groaning is unseemly, I would have thought it would have been deemed appropriate. Because of more FAQing posts, I retreat from my Lysistratan approach and offer cake to all parties.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/23/2002 09:15 PM PST

Speaking of FAQing cake…
Let us frost Anna Quindlen.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/23/2002 09:18 PM PST

I appreciate Freedunit's repeating his comments about the Sondheim performances currently being presented in Washington.
The SF Chronicle reviewer, if I may share, wrote:
"'Company' is a miracle. Jonathan Tunick, who orchestrated this and most other Sondheim musicals, is in the pit conducting, and it must be said that this score has never sounded so good. Lynn Redgrave, boldly stepping into Elaine Stritch's pumps, portrays a Joanne whose brain has not been irreparable soaked in vodka stingers and makes something unexpected of 'The Ladies Who Lunch': not just an outcry against growing old, but a loviingly sung one as well. Kim Director brings wicked humor to the role of April, the spacey stewardess, and makes the regret of 'Barcelona' that much more bittersweet.
"There are no weak links in the cast [snip]. But it is the lead that is hardest to cast: Bobby, 'Bobby baby/Bobby bubbi/Bobby Bobby,' the irresistible Peter Pan whose enigmatic character must keep everyone on both sides of the footlights in a constant state of fascination. I saw the original cast, have been lucky to catch several major revivals, including Sam Mendes' brave rethinking of the show in London, but I had never really understood 'Company' until seeing John Barrowman's Bobby.
"His 'Being Alive' was feverish, ravishing. It helps that he has an irresistible smile."
These were just a few of the raves critic Octavio Roca gushed over this production.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/23/2002 09:31 PM PST

Anyone for a shave? How about
For
A
Quid?
Posted by Sweeney @ 06/23/2002 10:05 PM PST

Celebrating Sondheim With Cake:
I hope the elaboration, and not just the brief partial repetition, was appreciated, too. In street parlance, Redgrave as Joanne stunk—attractive woman, talented actress, wrong medium, wrong role. Although the casting of Redgrave looked good on paper, it collapsed onstage, a misjudgment by director Sean Mathias. Barrowman has charisma and talent, even if he is ultraslick, somewhat mechanical and too often resistible. Barrowman is not bad as Bobby, but he is not the role’s definitive portrayer. Bobby is not merely the ultraslick, like oil, unrepentant player, the vainglorious predator that Barrowman makes him. Also, Bobby must possess some mystery, which Barrowman does not supply. Barrowman would make a good Dorian Gray. Although there is always more to discover, unlike Octavio Roca, who seems not to know from musicals, I understood Company before attending the Sondheim Celebration.
Phil: the professional and amateur rights of the Edward Kleban biomusical A Class Act are administered by The Rodgers & Hammerstein Theatre Library.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/23/2002 10:05 PM PST

I didn't think there was such a thing as a good knock-knock joke. How about some lawyer jokes?
Posted by Laura @ 06/23/2002 11:32 PM PST

I thought Ron Pulliam was being tongue in cheek (I hope) I took it that way and saw no hatred. Ron is a great guy (never met him) in my opinion and has contributed greatly to this site.
PS
Even if he got Anthony Quinn and Anthony Quayle mixed up.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 06/24/2002 03:28 AM PST

Freedunit: Thanks for the tip. Will contact R&H and check it out!
Posted by Phil @ 06/24/2002 07:34 AM PST

Laura..
There is only ONE lawyer joke, all the rest are true stories..
Mr. Cheatham
Dewey, Cheatham and Howe
Posted by Mr. Cheatham @ 06/24/2002 07:35 AM PST

I just heard the TRUE story of Easter as told by Benjamin Kritzer. I had to be careful about laughing out loud since I'm at the office right now. It's charming and so funny. Run, don't walk (that's hard to do when you're sitting in a chair at your computer) to the Broadway Radio Show and listen to Mr. BK read passages from his book. It's a real treat!
Posted by Ben @ 06/24/2002 07:55 AM PST

Tongue in cheek?
Mistook Anthony Quinn for Anthony Quayle?
I don't know from "Forget Anthony Quinn" (the earlier post), but said I thought [FAQ] stood for "Forgive Anthony Quayle" -- tongue was in cheek...and I'm not confused between Quinn and Quayle.
I thank Mr. Shayne for his wonderful words, however, and shall strive to live up to them!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/24/2002 08:38 AM PST

Laura: I have a SENSATIONAL knock-knock joke for you!
If you're interested, let me know by starting it out:
Ron
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/24/2002 08:41 AM PST

See, I knew the boys would work it out between themselves. Ward, I'm not quite so worried about the Beav now. Join me in a glass of buttermilk.
Posted by June @ 06/24/2002 08:59 AM PST

June, is there room in the glass for all of us?
Posted by freedunit @ 06/24/2002 07:13 PM PST

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