haines his way

06/28/2002:
"THE VERY SPECIAL FRIDAY"

Well, dear readers, it is Friday. But not just any Friday. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, this particular Friday is not just any particular Friday, this is a special Friday. Why is this a special Friday you might ask and I might tell you because if I kept such a thing from you you would walk around all day scratching your collective heads with a puzzled look on your collective faces. Well, well, well (that is three wells), that would be unseemly in extremis, so I will, in fact, tell you why this is a special Friday. Actually, there are several reasons this is a special Friday. For example, tonight we are doing our special Nudie Musical signing at Laserblazer in Westwood, California. I do hope our West Coast dear readers will be stopping by, even just to say hello. That is one reason this particular Friday is special. However, it is also special because today is someone’s birthday. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Yes, Virginia, today is someone’s birthday and I am here to tell you whose birthday it is right this very minute. It is the birthday of our very own Mr. Mark Bakalor. Can you believe it? So, let us all put on our pointy party hats, our colored tights and pantaloons, and let us celebrate until the cows come home. Let us partake of our favorite party foodstuffs, cheese slices and ham chunks, not necessarily in that order. Let us dance the Hora and do a Square Dance. After that, let us do a Round Dance and then a Triangle Dance. Let us do si do and ala man left and/or right, let us swing our partners back and forth and also forth and back. Oh, what fun we shall have celebrating Mr. Mark Bakalor’s very own birthday. For his sparkling haineshisway.com gift, let us all collectively bitch-slap him from here to eternity and back again.
I am exhausted from that paragraph, it was so chockfull of merriment and gaiety. Certainly it got these here notes off on the right foot. I feel these here notes have been getting off on the left foot for far too long, so it is nice for these here notes to get off on the right foot. Last night I had the best Orange Chicken I’ve ever eaten, when I attended the birthday dinner of my friend, Mr. David Wechter. It was served at a restaurant called Yang Chow in Woodland Hills, and oh my was that Orange Chicken excellent. In fact, it was addictive and I could not stop eating it until it was all gone.
On that note (G#), let us all click on the Unseemly Button, because to not do so at this particular time would be heinous (heinous, do you hear me?).

Yesterday, I had occasion to hear a recording of the entire show called Smile, with the Original Broadway Cast. As most of you know, the score of Smile is one of my guiltiest pleasures, and over the years I’ve recorded quite a few songs from it. It’s one of those things, when you hear the score you just can’t figure out why on earth such a show would fail. And the fact is, I don’t think it would fail in quite the same way if it were done today. However, that said, its problems become apparent from the opening curtain – its tone is wrong from the first line (voice-over narration) and it gets the show off on a totally non-energetic and peculiar path. I do like the opening number which ensues, Typical High School Senior, which does have the energy and fun needed. In fact, the score does the right things almost throughout – the book is the problem – it wants to have it all ways and it never has it in any way that really works. It wants to be satirical (like the film it’s based on), it wants to be touching, it wants to be serious, but it just can’t make up its mind. It’s a shame really, and I’m sure the fact that Mr. Ashman was also directing the show was not such a good thing for Mr. Ashman the book writer. But that score – a real Broadway score, with great Hamlisch tunes and clever Ashman lyrics, is just delectable. You can tell on the recording that the audience wants to love it and that they’re not being given the opportunity to. Somebody should take a look at the show, and do some book revisions and try it again.
What am I, Ken Mandelbaum all of a sudden? I also got several other similar mysterious recordings to listen to, and I’ll be reporting on those in the coming week.
Mrs. Grant Geissman, who also goes by the name Lydia, gave me quite a nice haircut yesterday, so I am quite kempt right now, hair-wise. Benjamin Kritzer is now listed at both barnesandnoble.com and amazon.com, and the cover images will follow. If you like the book, be sure to go to amazon and “review” it. We need to spread the word like butter on a biscuit.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must prepare for the busy day ahead because there is so much afoot. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, there is much afoot ahead. I shall have a complete report for you about our signing tonight, tomorrow. I should have thought that yesterday’s topic would have gotten much more discussion – the casting of a modern film of Follies, but there were only two actual cast lists. Today’s topic of discussion: What is your favorite film adaptation of a book (I do hope we haven’t done that before – I no longer remember what we’ve done and haven’t done)? I’ll start – I think the best adaptation of book to film ever done is Rosemary’s Baby, from the novel by Ira Levin. The film literally is the novel – every line is from the book, and the way Mr. Polanski captures the imagery of the book is perfection. Mr. Levin told me that the reason this is so is because it was Mr. Polanski’s first American film and he thought he couldn’t change anything – he thought he had to use all the dialogue from the book, he thought that was a rule. Whatever the reason, it’s brilliant. Things that I’d always thought very Polanskian (in the opening, when Rosemary and Guy are looking at the Bramford, there’s a weird person drilling a peep-hole in a door that is so Polanski) but it’s all in the book, including much of the wardrobe description. The other adaptation I’m very fond of is To Kill a Mockingbird, which stays very true to the spirit of the book. Your turn.

Replies: 35 Unseemly Comments

The topic of the day requires thought, and I have no thoughts right now, because my mind is all caught up in this wonderful novel that I am reading.
It is called Benjamin Kritzer, and one of the reasons I love it--but not the only one by far--is that Benjamin Kritzer's childhood is almost identical to mine.
Well,... BK is Jewish and I was a Norwegian Lutheran. BK grew ups in Los Angeles, and I was in Tulsa, Oklahoma. He is romantically interested in girls, and I was romantically interested in boys... and I never dressed up in my mother's bra and girdle. But we were very much the same at a deeper level.
God is in the details. Humanity is in the feelings. And the author of this novel got them both exactly right.
I am about halfway through, and I am delighted. If you haven't read it yet, imagine Bruce's zany writing in these here notes, but disciplined and focused. Ah, for a genial child actor and a genial director who could realize this story on the screen!
I am so fearful now, from having read Ms. Meryl Secrest's The Real A: A Life, that unbearable sadness will creep into the happy days of Benjamin Kritzer's childhood. If so, I know I will be crying for days.
Thank you so much, Bruce, for writing this book.
AND A HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY, BITCH-SLAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MAGNIFICENT MR. MARK ("MY WORDS") BAKALOR! HOW MANY CANDLES?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 06/28/2002 10:13 AM PST

My favorite book-to-movie journey is The Princess Bride. I was so happy they kept the little boy and his grandfather device, but I DO wish they had kept the original ending....
Happy Birthday, Mr. Bakalor. I hope you like Richard Rodgers, since you'll be hearing a lot of him today!
Posted by Pam @ 06/28/2002 10:22 AM PST

Dear BK: You are not alone in enjoying the food at Yang Chow's. I just checked, and found that the restaurants (there are three) was given 4 1/2 stars by the people at Digital City, and a 23 out of 30 score for food by the people at Zagat. Sounds to me like you are in very good company, indeed.
The addresses, by the way, are 6443 Topanga Canyon Blvd., Woodland Hills; 819 N. Broadway, downtown Los Angeles; and 3777 E. Colorado Blvd., Pasadena. Sorry, they don't seem to have a website.
Meanwhile, on the subject of adapted screenplays, the two fantasies of last year gave me an intersting perspective. On the one hand, I've loved the Harry Potter books, but the film was far too loyal to it's source, and rarely became very film-like. The only two sequences that really took off were the Quiddich game and the Chess game, both of which were very visual on film and not that well realized in the book.
In contrast, the film of "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" really hooked me, kept me interested from start to finish. And I've never been a fan of the original books! From what I've been told, the film stayed very close to the original story, but it never felt transcribed. So I've got something to look forward to this Cristmas and next!
Posted by S. Woody White @ 06/28/2002 10:50 AM PST

Well it IS a joyous day indeed, but also a GRAY day too. A GRAY day you ask? Yes.. because we have lost a talented actress by the name of Dolores Gray. She was, of course, in Destry Rides Again, Two on the Aisle, and many more...
Here's a link to her obit
Dolores Gray
Posted by Craig @ 06/28/2002 10:59 AM PST

Mister Mark Bakalor, please may I be the first to bitch-slap in honor of your birthday? Happy birthday to you!
Posted by freedunit @ 06/28/2002 12:01 PM PST

Getting back to the topic. I think both Carrie and the Exorcist made superior films compared to their original source material.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 06/28/2002 12:42 PM PST

Getting back to Dolores Gray, I am sad to learn of her death. Thank you for sharing the news, Craig.
Posted by freedunit @ 06/28/2002 12:54 PM PST

Happy Birthday, Mr. Mark Bakalor!!
Posted by Laura @ 06/28/2002 01:13 PM PST

Happy Birthday Mr. Bakalor (from hot, steamy Minnesota)
Posted by Ben @ 06/28/2002 01:49 PM PST

Eight unseemly comments? And on a very special Friday? Are you all off reading Benjamin Kritzer? That would be the ONLY acceptable excuse. We are so close to beating May, dear readers, we cannot slack off now. We cannot be slackers, otherwise we will be forced to wear baggy trousers like the youth of today and we will look idiotic and we can't have that. We must put on a burst of speed, dear readers - remember weekends are usually slow anyway - so let's make this a weekend to remember, and let's beat May and let June bust out all over. It must be ever onward and upward. We must climb ev'ry mountain and Ford ev'ry stream, unless you want to Toyota every stream. We must never walk alone, we must be Hainsies/Kimlets to the end and we must be popular with the populace and in with the in crowd. We can do it, I know we can. But not with eight count them eight unseemly posts.
Posted by bk @ 06/28/2002 01:52 PM PST

In honor of Mr. Mark Bakalor's special day, I say a bitch-slap and cake for everybody! It's on me. Well, the cake wouldn't actually be ON me. (Although perhaps I could arrange that with some of you-- but only one at a time.)
Craig, Thank you for the news. It is sad indeed. I loved Dolores Gray. I always thought she was underrated; good to know the British appreciated her properly. Besides her comedic touch, her version of "Speak Low" is so good that i's hard for me to imagine it ever being done better. She is who I would cast as Carlotta in the film of "Follies."
I know the critics did not agree, but I thought the version of "Great Gatsby" done by Paramount in the 70's was fairly accurate. It was darker in mood than I would have liked, but then so was the book. I thought Sam Waterston was perfect; Robert Reford was bland enough to ALMOST (wish I had italics here, but I still don't know how to do that) substitute for being mysterious or enigmatic. I thought Mia Farrow did a great job, but I never thought she could inspire that kind of obsession. But I still thought it was good. It did capture the extravagance ad disregard that the book did.
I can think of so many other instances where a great movie COULD have been made if they HAD stuck to the book.
I also thought "The Days of Wine and Roses" was a perfect adaptation. It captured the book wonderfully and was better than the book.
The series (does this count?) they filmed of "Tales of the City" also was perfect. I didn't get pissed off once (and adptations of books I've liked usually piss me off.)
OK, i'm going to quit now before I get off on another tangent.
Posted by Kerry @ 06/28/2002 02:00 PM PST

Good luck this evening and this weekend, Bruce. Most of all, have fun. Tell all the celebrities you meet that I said, "Hello." Maybe you should offer everybody cheese slices and ham chunks.
Have you crashed enough pounds off to properly display your abs and buns of steel? I'm sure with the blond bits in your hair, people will be saying "Cowabunga" and "Surf's up, Dude" to you all weekend.
Posted by Kerry @ 06/28/2002 02:21 PM PST

BK, you mean even pointless posts like this one would count?
I don't know from movies, so I have nothing to add to the discussion. So the only thing I'm good for is to post pointless posts for the numbers.
Posted by Laura @ 06/28/2002 02:29 PM PST

I haven't decided which book-to-film adaptations I like most, but I do know that I dislike almost every adaptation of a Michael Crichton novel -- and most of the time he does the adaptation HIMSELF. The novels are so cinematic that you can easily imagine the scenes on the screen, but almost without fail the movie version distorts what made the book interesting.
The remake of Lolita was closer to the book than the Kubrick version, but Frank Langella's Quilty was too creepy to allow me to believe that young girls would be attracted to him. And yet Sellers was a bit too wacky and Sue Lyon was miscast.
I'm still waiting for the film of What Makes Sammy Run?, my other favorite novel.
One of my favorite guilty pleasure films was Half A Sixpence and it does capture much of the charm of HG Well's novel, Kipps. Even moreso than the earlier John Mills film.
The Sterile Cuckoo was a definite improvement on John Nichols' novel. True Grit and The Graduate were very effective adaptations.
Just a few thoughts to pad today's column. (Of course, I should have made each paragraph a separate entry to boost the numbers!)
Posted by Robert Armin @ 06/28/2002 02:42 PM PST

As a matter of fact, Bruce, yes,
I was off reading Benjamin
Kritzer, causing my errant and
truant standing here!
Just finished the book and
truly enjoyed every bit of it. In
general, books and movies
and such don't get to me too
much sentimentally, but I was
in all-out sap mode with this
book. I'm sure I had a big ol'
dopey grin on my face
throughout the whole Susan
Pomeroy story. Thank you for
writing this book, Bruce.
Posted by Jed @ 06/28/2002 02:55 PM PST

Being off reading Benjamin Kritzer is not being errant and truant, it is being a dear reader, and is the ONLY acceptable excuse for not celebrating Mr. Mark Bakalor's birthday. Please do post a review to amazon.com if you liked it. The more the merrier. We must spread the word like fine jam on an English Muffin or French Toast or Sedish Fish.
Posted by bk @ 06/28/2002 02:58 PM PST

BK, I trust you have seen my review of TFNM on Amazon. Of course, I intended to rate it a 5 but my finger slipped and pressed the 4 instead. And that was from watching the movie well past my bedtime. This weekend, I will get to Benjamin by hook or by crook (which, I guess, means the book will either be torn apart or stolen).
Posted by Robert Armin @ 06/28/2002 03:11 PM PST

Happy Bday to Mark!
I am so sad about Dolores Gray...one of my absolute favorite performers....may she rest in peace. I will be doing a special Dolores Gray radio show next weekend. As for this weekend, it's Dueling Divas as we listen to talented ladies who have all performed the same roles....you'll have to tune in starting Sunday to hear who we spotlight.
Posted by Donald @ 06/28/2002 03:14 PM PST

Not meaning to do any padding here, but -- Happy Birthday to Mark.
And sorry to hear about Dolores Gray. Recently listened to a collection of her long forgotten 78s. She was a kick.
My vote to sing "I'm Still Here" in the movie is Betty Garrett. She used to sing it in her one-woman show and she was extraordinary.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 06/28/2002 03:16 PM PST

Well Mr. Kimmel. With all due respect, reading Benjamin Kritzer is not the ONLY excuse for not posting. Oh no...I think not. I think those of us that FINALLY got our First Nudie Musical DVDs from a slow-pokey major online bookstore vendor and are busy watching from dollars to donuts twice (gotta hear the commentary too!) might ALSO be excused from being considered errant and truant this afternoon. Or am I mistaken?
Posted by Craig @ 06/28/2002 03:19 PM PST

Yes, the watching of the DVD is also an acceptable excuse. Miss Susan Gordon also wishes Mr. Mark Bakalor a happy birthday and she sends a great big bitch-slap (she is going to the signing tonight).
Posted by bk @ 06/28/2002 03:29 PM PST

Me wonders if Miss Susan Gordon knows that she is MENTIONED on the commentary track of TFNM...
Yes.. and I just heard from Mark who told me he has not had any cake yet...so I ask you all.. who must I bitch-slap to get this poor 25 year old fella a g-damn cupcake at least??!?!!!!
Posted by Craig @ 06/28/2002 03:35 PM PST

To BK and SG -- have fun tonight and this weekend signing autographs. Say hi to Barbara Eden from my wife, Kristine Nevins (they were in South Pacific together).
Posted by Robert Armin @ 06/28/2002 03:36 PM PST

Totally forgot about Betty Garrett.
Her rendition of "My Funny Valentine" (cut) from "Words and Music" is the best version of that great tune I've heard. MGM put out a boxed set of laserdiscs featuring three great biographical musicals (Words and Music, Three Little Words and Deep in my Heart)and isolated all the cut material on one of the audio channels for "Words and Music", plus isolated ALL the music on all the movies on another audio channel. It's a feast!
I loved Betty Garrett in "Words and Music" -- she couldn't help not loving Mickey Rooney's Lorenz Hart. She didn't know why, but she just couldn't! There he went and wrote all those great songs for her, and she sang the hell out of them, but she spurns him and he kills himself.
You just gotta LOVE the way Hollywood bastardized the truth in their biographies back then (and now...yes, just look at "A Beautiful Mind").
R
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/28/2002 03:52 PM PST

How are we doing on posts? I hadn't heard Ms. Garrett's version of "My Funny Valentine."
So far, my favorite versions were by Ella Fitzgerald and Chet Baker.
Although I still think I'd cast Dolores Gray as Carlotta (and maybe years earlier as Phyllis even-- I think she could pull it off maybe), I'm sure she could do justice to "I'm Still Here" after her rather tumultuous life.
So, everybody ready for bitch-slaps and cake?
Posted by Kerry @ 06/28/2002 04:25 PM PST

My, my, my. Mr. Mark Bakalor is all of 25 today? Why I remember when he was just a sprig of a twig of a lad in high school trying to set up a Stephen Sondheim website. What an idea!
Well, 25 hearty bitch-slaps--and one to grow one, Mr. Mark!
Dolores Gray, a question. The obituary says she starred on Broadway in Sherry. I only know it from the title song on Broadway Bound produced by you-know-who. Did it play on Broadway while I blinked?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 06/28/2002 04:32 PM PST

In the spirit of "coprophilia" jokes.. here is some bitch slap humor:
A Bitchslapper's favorite comedian:
Slappy White
A Bitchslapper's favorite TV detective:
Slap Maxwell
A Bitchslapper's favorite showtune:
Slap that Bass
A Bitchslapper's favorite type of Comedy:
Slap-Stick
A Bitchslapper's favorite hockey maneuver:
Slap Shot
A Bitchslapper's favorite mood
Slap Happy
Posted by Craig @ 06/28/2002 04:55 PM PST

I have just written a very lauditory review of Benjamin Kritzer on amazon.com--with, of course, one de rigueur insult to Bruce.
They say it will be up "within 5 days", which seems a bit long to me. Guess they have to check for naughty words. I only used one, and Mel Brooks used it in High Anxiety in a family-friendly situation.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 06/28/2002 05:15 PM PST

Hooray! I have just successfully navigated the site and ordered "Benjamin Kritzer". No mean feat when ordering from outside the USA. How am I supposed to know Australia's international phone code? I am not likely to go outside the country to ring myself that often. I am sure the book will be worth every annoyance I have encountered in my attempts to place an order. Even my credit card was "compromised" a few weeks ago. I wonder just with whom it had been having a liason.
It was indeed sad to hear about Dolores Gray. Thanks for the news .
Today's topic: Thomas Mann's "Death in Venice" and Doctorow's "Book Of Daniel" are two of my favourite adaptions for the screen. I thought "Harry Potter" worked well (I don't think the millions of young readers would have accepted too many changes). I too was impressed with "The Lord Of The Rings". Many years since I read the book but I felt that the film did capture the essence without having to resort to "non-human" representation of the characters.
It is already past Mark B's birthday here! I am sure (and hope) that there was much cake to be eaten.
Posted by Tom Guest (from OZ) @ 06/28/2002 05:41 PM PST

Larry D. Cohen's screenplay for CARRIE.
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD
A PASSAGE TO INDIA
HOWARD'S END
MAURICE
DR. NO - quite possibly the closest the James Bond series has ever come to reproducing the book.
ROSEMARY'S BABY
WHISTLE DOWN THE WIND - a lovely film all around, as charming as the musical was offensive.
Fassbinder's film of Genet's QUERELLE also comes to mind, as do the magnificent
JEAN DE FLORETTE
MANON OF THE SPRING
both adapted from one novel by Maurice Pagnol (a name which should be familiar to musical theater mavens everywhere).
...and those are a few of my favorite novels on film.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARK!
Posted by td @ 06/28/2002 06:16 PM PST

Lest I seem not in the spirit of things, I want Mark Bakalor to know that I wish him the biggest bitch-slap-Happy Birthday the world can provide. May all his wishes come true, plus a few more just to make him walk funny for a few days!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 06/28/2002 06:29 PM PST

Oh joy of joys. My review of BK's BK is now on the Barnes and Noble website in all its glory. I encourage everyone who has read it and will read it to post your reviews! Perhaps we will even offer one "get out of a bitch-slap" free card to those who post...
Posted by Craig @ 06/28/2002 09:09 PM PST

Au contraire! I think we should offer a frequent bitch-slap card. Get 10 and the 11th is free. Ok, off the Barnes and Noble.
Posted by Kerry @ 06/28/2002 09:26 PM PST

No. Off TO Barnes and Noble.
Posted by Kerry @ 06/28/2002 10:01 PM PST

"Your stunt cock is here" That is by far one of my favorite lines in a movie. And just to add to my comment, Happy Slappy Birthday Mark.
Posted by jenni @ 06/29/2002 01:05 AM PST

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