Well, dear readers, here it is, the fourth of July, our very first fourth of July here at haineshisway.com. Well, we must celebrate, dear readers, we must make fireworks and barbecue our wieners and chicken bits and burgers, we must put on our pointy Uncle Sam party hats, our red, white and blue pantaloons and we must march around our various and sundried homes in patriotic fervor. Even the singing bird has gotten in the spirit of things and is currently singing Piddle, Twiddle and Resolve. Yes, get out the cheese slices and ham chunks, because today is the fourth of July and the devil take the hindmost.

I had a marvelous massage last night and my neck feels ever so much better. I am now feeling myself again. Why do I feel myself? Can’t I get anyone else to feel me? Am I repugnant or something? Am I repellent or something? Have I got the cooties or something? Perhaps if I light a sparkler then someone will feel me? Perhaps not. Maybe if I light one of those little black snake things someone will feel me. Oh, well, I suppose I shall have to make do with feeling myself. What the hell am I talking about?

This here fourth of July celebration will be going on all day here at haineshisway.com, so do check back every few minutes for the latest and greatest. We must all put on our Speedos and lounge in our yards. Those who don’t have pools can swim in the sink. We must parade gaily, showing off our abs and buns of steel to all the passersby. We must play patriotic music such as You’re a Grand Old Flag and The Name Game. Oh, what fun we shall have heating our collective coals, barbecuing our collective wieners, and watching fireworks light up the sky. I myself will be throwing jello hither and thither and also yon, just because jello is so festive and jiggly. I hope you will all join me in the throwing of the jiggly jello.

Well, even though we are celebrating the fourth of July, there are still excellent questions which need answering by the likes of me. Therefore the likes of me will now answer all your excellent questions. But first, the likes of me and the likes of you must click on the likes of the Unseemly Button below.

Well, shall we take a little break from the fireworks and wieners and jiggly jello to answer your excellent questions? I do believe we shall.

William E. Lurie asks why the Nudie Musical DVD has not been reviewed in any of the four New York newspapers? Well, I know Image Entertainment is fairly good about getting review copies to people, so hopefully they will get around to it – no one, unfortunately, has any control over what these people print and don’t print, and I think we all know that many of these people don’t seem to be aware of films they should be aware of. Not that we are casting aspertions – oh, no, we are not casting aspertions. Have I started a sequel to Benjamin Kritzer and if so when will it be released? Mr. William E. Lurie’s only criticism of the book was it’s length, which he felt was too damn short, more like a novella than a novel. Actually, the word count of the book more than meets the requirements for a full-length novel – I checked and we are over 20,000 words more than a novella. I don’t want to say too much right now about a sequel, other than that I have begun one and am plugging away quite slowly. The first book took me quite awhile to get going on – getting a form I was happy with, seeing where it was going, and this new one is exactly the same. If I end up liking where it takes me, then I’ll continue and finish it and see if I like it. Were there ever any songs that I wanted to include on a Lost in Boston or Unsung Musicals album that I could not get permission for. No, I got permission for everything I wanted to record, even from the usually unbendable Bernstein estate for the West Side Story song.

Kerry asks if I think the book for Smile could be rewritten and the show brought back. Yes, absolutely. The score, as I’ve said, really works pretty much of the time, and it’s melodic and fun and clever. The movie works pretty damn well, so I believe there’s enough there to fix the problems with tone and wrong direction in Mr. Ashman’s book. And I’d make the show perkier and faster. It’s unbelievably slow at times, and always seems to be veering toward the maudlin or the melodramatic. If it were to be brought back, who would I cast? Well, young people. I’m sure we’d find something for our very own Tammy Minoff and Juliana A. Hansen (who sings a great Disneyland, let me tell you). Kerry wants to know what Mr. Guy Haines is up to these days? Well, he was kind enough to sing the songs on the Benjamin Kritzer CDs. He’s also been quite busy with his tennis, and is very confused as to why his CD doesn’t seem to be available. Kerry also bought Miss Lisa Richard’s CD and likes my very own song and wants to know if there are other songs of mine floating around which have been recorded by other folks. Well, there’s Chinese Food in Bed on the aforementioned suddenly hard-to-find Guy Haines album, there’s Michelle Nicastro singing What Do I Do Now? from my musical version of A Comedy of Errors (on the Shakespeare on Broadway album), and there are a few things sung by others on The Music of Bruce Kimmel CD, which is also hard to find. Other than that, there are the cast albums of Stages and Together Again. Kerry also asks what I think of the trend in restaurants to present food in a vertical manner. I don’t know that I know about that trend. They serve steak standing up? The meat is actually vertical? I do not like vertical meat, that much I can tell you. Finally, what is the worst cabaret act I’ve ever seen, and what is the worst number I’ve ever seen performed in a cabaret act? Well, I went to the Cinegrill one fine night and was one of two people in the audience – the singer would not stop singing – she never shut up for two hours and acted like we were begging for more. It was horrendous – she couldn’t really sing at all and it was excruciating. The worst number was some guy (he’s well-known in LA apparently, even though I’d never heard of him), who sang and played the piano and also played the harp, all at the same time, at least I think it was a harp. He did My Funny Valentine like that and I thought I was going to do the Danny Thomas Spit Take when he started his little jazz waltz version.

Freedunit asks what does this country, the United States of America, and its democracy and freedoms mean to me? Well, it’s the fourth of July, and the USA is a fine place to be. Do I think it’s perfect? Of course not. I am especially not enamored of the judicial system which favors the wealthy and lets people of lesser wealth get abused by people who have the wherewithal to do so. On the other hand, what other great nation allows the wearing of pointy party hats, colored tights and pantaloons, the eating of cheese slices and ham chunks and the dancing of the Hora, on a regular basis, without regard to race, creed, color or sexual orientation? I’d say that makes us the greatest country in the world, damn them, damn them all to hell.

Hapgood asks what the difference is between an orchestrator and an arranger. An arranger figures out the layout of the song – how it’s to be done. Does it have a vamp at the top (which the arranger will frequently write), does it have an instrumental repeat, do you take the verse and move it to the middle, do you take the bridge and move it to the beginning, do you extend the ending, do you put songs together, all of that stuff. All of that arrangement (which may even call for certain types of instrumentation) is then handed to an orchestrator, who assigns all the notes to the various instruments. Sometimes the arranger and orchestrator are the same, sometimes not. For example, Mr. Stephen Sondheim is obviously the “arranger” of his songs within the shows he writes them for (others can arrange them in different ways – when they are used outside of their original context). He hands Mr. Tunick (or whoever) his very detailed piano part and Mr. Tunick assigns the notes in the piano part to the orchestra. Mr. Sondheim has been known to be snappish if someone gives Mr. Tunick too much credit – I’ve heard him say, “It’s all in the piano part.” Last night, Hapgood heard a song called Imagine My Surprise – do I know where it comes from or who wrote it? I do not, but I’m sure one of our dear readers can help with the information.

Michael Shayne asks what have been the highlights for me, as: An actor – I suppose either Nudie Musical or the Peter Nichol’s play Forget-Me-Not Lane, which I did at the Mark Taper Forum and then for PBS. A writer – Benjamin Kritzer, by far. A director – I suppose Nudie Musical, but I think there are better things a comin’. A composer/lyricist – well, I feel some fondness for my musical, Stages. And there are several songs I’m rather fond of, including When You’re Waiting for Love which Miss Lisa Richard features on her new album. A record producer – oh, I guess doing The King and I would be a highlight. Working with Loudon, Bacall and Stritch would be a highlight, but then again, working with all the tremendously wonderful and talented people I’ve been blessed to work with would have to be a highlight to. And getting to know and be great pals with Harvery Schmidt would definitely be a highlight. Was Susan Pomeroy’s mother named Eva, because there is one Pomeroy still living in Montreal. Well, Susan’s mother had run off long ago and she lived in Montreal only with her father. Are the movie theaters mentioned in Benjamin Kritzer still in existence? Which one had the most memorable architectural design? Of the neighborhood theaters, the Picfair and the Lido are gone, both parking lots. The Stadium became a Jewish temple in 1960, and that story will be in the sequel, if and when I finish that book. The Wiltern is still there, but it’s a fancy-shmancy concert venue now. The Cinerama theater on Hollywood Blvd. is still there, but used only for private screenings. It was remodeled in the early sixties, after three panel Cinerama bit the dust. The Village in Westwood is still there and still gorgeous. One of the all-time treats of my life was seeing a preview of Nudie Musical there. The Wiltern was the one I remember being the most spectacular architecturally, just a stunner on every level.

Craig asks if I ever got the box sets of the British TV show, Thunderbirds. Not yet, but I shall be. Oh, yes, I shall be. What was the most spectacular fireworks presentation I’ve ever witnessed? Well, around fifteen years ago I went to a Dodgers game and the fireworks were pretty spectacular there. I think it was a Dodgers game. Do they play baseball on the fourth of July? Maybe it was the Hollywood Bowl. Do they play baseball at the Hollywood Bowl? Maybe it was a bowling alley. Do they play baseball at a bowling alley. Maybe it was some other kind of alley – some alleys have incredible fireworks. Did I ever get to see Jason Graae and Susan Egan in High Button Shoes? Sadly, no. I was all set to go, had my name on a list and everything, but I got really nauseous (I think I’d eaten something rotten in Denmark) and didn’t want to chance throwing up in the car or in the theater. I heard it was great, and that they were both superb. What was going on at the end of the Nudie Musical documentary, when someone was peering through the faux tinted window behind me. Well, Nick Redman, our director, thought that was amusing, having someone looking through a faux tinted window while we were filming. I thought it fairly outré myself, but then the whole documentary is fairly outré. If I could be any celebrity for a day who would I be and why? I can’t really imagine wanting to some celebrity for a day, unless it was to do something interesting that I couldn’t do otherwise, like be mobbed by hordes of screaming teenagers. Why don’t a lot of DVDs use the Title/Text feature – Nudie Musical doesn’t – is there a reason behind that decision? I don’t even know what the fershluganah Title/Text feature is, so that is one reason we didn’t use it. Do I do any impressions, and if so, who? Yes, I do. When I used to do my nightclub act (all throughout the eighties and early nineties, at the Gardenia) a segment called Dueling Fools, wherein Anthony Newley and Joel Grey sing a duet of What Kind of Fool Am I? I do both gentleman very well indeed. I also do an impression of Don Knotts playing Tevye. I also do a very good Tammy Grimes. If I couldn’t direct a film version of my novel, who would I like to do it? Would Barry Levinson get a meeting? Would Robert Mulligan? Twenty years ago, maybe Robert Mulligan, who I like a lot. I wouldn’t be thrilled with Levinson. There aren’t many filmmakers I care for too much. I don’t know, Lasse Halstrom is good, but it’s such an American story, he probably isn’t right. Joe Dante would be too smart-alecky, although he would certainly get the material. I would just not want anyone to overdo it or make it too big and gooey. Someone who could get the comedy, and make the love story believable but not sugary, and keep it all very simple. We’ll be making this very thing a topic of discussion in a few weeks, so stay tuned. When I sit down to write a song what tools do I use? I use a screwdriver and a ball peen hammer. Do I use a scratch pad, a thesaurus – what is my process? I don’t really have a process. It comes to me quite naturally. For the new musical I’m working on, David Wechter and I discuss the character and plot and then, when I’m alone, I just sit at the piano and wait for something to happen. Usually I’ll start noodling or coming up with a chord progression – that will suggest some lyric pattern to me and then I go from there. Sometimes I have a title, which makes things easier. Chinese Food in Bed took six minutes to write and I never changed a line of the song. I just got the title and it came pouring out. Ditto with When You’re Waiting For Love. I got the intro verse – I don’t even remember why it came to me – and then the rest just flowed easily. Then there are songs that take a month to complete. I’ve also been known to write a complete lyric without any music and also write an entire song musically with no idea of a lyric. I spoofed the porn industry in Nudie Musical – if I were to direct another film spoofing an industry, what would it be and why? You will find out the answer to that question in good time. Finally, what is my favorite day here at haineshisway.com? Well, every day is my favorite day, but my most favorite day I think, is Ask BK Day, because I do love and enjoy everyone’s excellent questions.

Jed asks who is the singer on I Don’t Have to Hide Anymore during the end credits of Nudie Musical. Why, that singer is my very own self. You want to see where Guy Haines got his style – just listen. He stole my act, that Guy. All you have to do is hear Guy’s version on the documentary soundtrack – he just rips me off unbelievably. I hit him in the head when I heard him do it, but he likes that sort of thing. Did I ever find my Susan Pomeroy (or whatever her real name is)? Does she have a clue that she has been immortalized in quasi-fiction? I don’t want to say too much about this because Susan is a magical character and I don’t want to diffuse that magic in any way. I will only say this: Susan is based on someone I knew at my grammar school – someone who did look exactly like Ingrid Thulin. But it only lasted for a couple of months and then she moved away. I wrote that story exactly that way, somewhere around page fifty, and the whole thing lasted maybe six pages. When I went back and read it the next day I realized that that was what the book had to be about (I’d been writing blindly up till then). I moved it to part two, and then expanded the real life event into something I wished it would have been. Once I began writing her, she just took over and from that point on the book really wrote itself. It was like having her on my shoulder, really. As to whether either Benjamin or myself ever found her again – well, we shall have to wait and see, shan’t we?

Lolita asks if I have kept or keep a journal? No, I really haven’t, except, I suppose, for these here notes. Do I write long hand or short hand or on the computer or the typewriter. I’ve never really written much in longhand – although sometimes, if I’m sitting outside, I’ll take a pad and scribble. Benjamin Kritzer was written on the computer, although again I did write some on a pad every now and then. I used to write everything on a typewriter, but I find the laptop ever so much more convenient. However, lyrics I write longhand, in scribbles. On napkins, on notepaper, on paper that’s already been used – I’ll write lyrics on anything, anywhere, anytime. Do I collect anything else that I haven’t mentioned? Well, art, books, DVDs, CDs, and sometimes odd junk. I’ve managed to amass a nice collection of menus from restaurants I ate at as a kid, and I have quite a bit of Godzilla memorabilia. I used to be a rabid movie poster collector (I had a major collection), but when I got into original art, I got rid of the posters. What is my favorite Shakespeare play? I’ve been asked that before, I think. I always answer A Comedy of Errors, because I was in it, and it’s easy to understand, plus it’s pretty damned funny. When is Benjamin Kritzer going to be in bookstores? Well, it’s online first, for about six weeks, then it’s available for bookstores to order. Whether they will or not is up to each store or chain. However, the process slowed down a bit, because I made a change to the hardcover, and it’s still not available in that form yet (it should be mid-next week). Those who have this first printing will have a genuine rarity if the book ever does anything. There were only 100 copies printed before I made the change and the subsequent fixed copies will have a later date on them. I know you’re all wondering what the change is – it’s quite simple really. If you’ve opened your hardcovers you will notice that it goes directly to the title page. They printers inadvertently left off the front free endpaper and the half-title page. The new version will have that and, as I said, should be up and running and available next week. Do I ever listen to CDs with headphones on? No. Do I like children’s books? I haven’t read a lot of them, but I enjoyed the first Harry Potter book, and the Lemony Snicket books look clever, although I’ve only read a bit of the first one. I like Roald Dahl’s books as well. One of my favorite books is Thurber’s The Last Flower, his sweet and tremendously moving little parable in pictures.

S. Woody White’s ever lovin’ der Brucer asks what our very own Vinnie Cirilli is up to these days. He’s been working, moving into a new house, and keeping busy. I miss Vinnie and I’m certain will be working together again very soon. There is more I would like to say about Mr. Cirilli, but I will save it for the appropriate time. Let us simply say that he has not been treated fairly. Oh, no, he has not been treated fairly by those who should know better.

William F. Orr tells me he has five undecipherable autographs on his Nudie Musical DVD and asks me to identify them. On the right arm: Leslie A…. – Leslie Ackerman, who plays Susie. On the left arm: Buc…. – Bruce Kimmel. Right thigh: Lloqa B… - Lloyd Gordon, dildo and choreographer. Left thigh: Nick R… - Nick Redman, director of the documentary. Star: Me…q Fimley – Greg Finley, who plays one of the backers and also the transvestite mugger. Approximately when did I start and finish writing Benjamin Kritzer? I began the actual writing last May (2001) and finished in mid-November. How did I first get into producing CDs and how did I learn my craft? Well, the first CDs I produced were for Bay Cities, then I moved on to Varese. The Bay Cities CDs were like rehearsals for me. When it came time to do Unsung Sondheim and Liz Callaway, which were recorded back to back, I learned by doing. I talked to a few people, got a few pointers and then basically just did it. Working with the talent was easy – just like directing a film. Working on the arrangements for Unsung Sondheim was easy, too. I devised a way of recording on those two albums that served me well over the years, and which enabled me to do them at a reasonable cost (compared to what other labels would spend to do the same thing). Vinnie and I used to fight like cats and dogs and also dogs and cats, because I could not be articulate in telling him what sound I liked. I’d just say things like, “No, that’s not good – push some buttons.” I’d say by the third album (Toonful) he at least had an idea of what I liked, and we refined things as we went along. Somewhere around the tenth album we got it right, and then it was much easier. Around the fiftieth album, it was a piece of cake and we had a blast – everything was very simple then. When are we going to set the DVD signing at Footlight? Hopefully we will firm a date in the next week or so.

Well, I hope I’ve provided some decent answers to your excellent questions. I hope you’ve gotten your wieners out and are placing them on your various and sundried barbecue machines. I hope you’re all wearing your red, white and blue pantaloons and Uncle Sam pointy hats. Most of all, I hope you will have a safe and sound fourth of July. Do try not to put the firecrackers in your mouth. Today’s topic of discussion: Who are your favorite non-theater female singers? I’ll start: the young Barbra, the young Eydie Gorme, Helen Merrill, Cleo Laine, Rosemary Clooney, Doris Day, Karen Carpenter, Carly Simon, Melissa Manchester, Peggy Lee, Ethel Ennis, Petula Clark, Lulu, well, the list is apparently endless. Your turn.