Well, dear readers, you won’t believe it. I didn’t believe it myself, because it is just too too unbelievable. Someone around here needs bitch-slapping. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, someone around here needs bitch-slapping and someone around here is going to get bitch-slapping and they’re going to get it from here to eternity. And who is this person who needs bitch-slapping? Well, I’m going to tell you who this person is who needs bitch-slapping because why should I keep such important information from you? I need bitch-slapping, that's who needs bitch-slapping. Yes, Virginia, I, the likes of me, need bitch-slapping. And here is why: Last night, around midnight, I was fooling around on this here laptop, and I decided I’d never been in an AOL chat room since purchasing this handy-dandy laptop. So, I viewed a list of available rooms. First I went in to something called “Author’s Lounge”. After all, I am an author and I like to occasionally lounge. Well, there were no authors in there, dear readers, at least from what I could tell reading the nonsense that was being posted by people who said such pithy things as f/18/562. For a minute I thought I was reading something from an eighteen-year-old girl who weighed five-hundred and sixty-two pounds, but apparently the 562 was her area code. I asked if there were any authors in there and they ignored me. I asked if anyone there had read the collected works of Tolstoy and they ignored me. In any case, at about this time I got an IM from “peggybar” saying I’d purchased $1200 worth of items at Shop AOL and that if I hadn’t done so I needed to click on the link and cancel the order, otherwise it would be shipped within five days. I thought that very strange indeed, so I clicked on the link and was taken to a Shop AOL page which said I’d purchased a bunch of computer stuff. At the bottom was a cancel button and a place to put in your username and password to verify the cancellation. I know, you are all sitting there shaking your heads thinking, surely our very own BK could not be stupid enough to put in his password and username. Well, unfortunately your very own BK was indeed that stupid. It just looked too real and one, of course, doesn’t want to be sent $1200 in computer stuff. It never occurred to me that Shop AOL would have no way to charge me for the items, oh, no, that never occurred to me.

I then checked my e-mails as I do every now and then, and there was an e-mail from AOL saying there was a problem with my account – my on-file credit card had been declined or had expired and I was to click on the link and fill out all new information or my account would be cancelled by end of business day. I thought that a bit strange, but still I clicked on the link and was taken to an AOL billing page. I know, you are all sitting there shaking your heads thinking, surely our very own BK could not be stupid enough to fill in his credit information and provide his name, address, credit cards, etc. Well, I began to fill in the forms – I filled in all the information about the on-file credit card – but then I looked at the credit card and of course it hadn’t expired at all. I then stopped in my tracks (no mean feat) and thought to myself, wait just a darned minute here – there is no way a $20 charge from AOL would have been declined. I then looked at the rest of the page I was on and noticed that they wanted to know the credit limit for each card (it said you had to give them new card info to replace the declined card) and also asked for the 800 number on the back of the card. I immediately erased everything I’d written and closed out the window. I went back, got the address off the e-mail that had been written and did an AOL Profile search and got one – from some idiot talking about how he would be a cool person to date. I immediately changed all passwords on all AOL accounts. Funnily, just before I’d done that I’d tried to get help from the 24-hour online AOL help center and was getting that “website not responding” message. As soon as I changed my password I was able to get into the help center. Odd? They told me to forward both the IM (with link) and the e-mail to TOSReports@aol.com, which I did (and also to abuse@aol.com). What is intriguing to me is that I have not received an acknowledgment from either (very unusual) and when I click on the status of those two e-mails it says “can’t check on status of internet mail” – except that they went to AOL, not the internet. Is there some way these malcontents could have diverted the mail I sent? Are there any other precautions I should take (other than having changed my password)? I did write back to the e-mail address and vented quite nastily, but that missive has gone unread, which means the address is most likely bogus or just a way station.

The ridiculous part of all this is how stupid I was. I mean, there for all to see, is the constant AOL warning, “AOL will never ask you for a password or billing information”. I see that every single day. Whoever this low-life was, he’s done a great job of making everything look real. I want to nail this cretin, but I’m sure he’s quite the professional and has covered his tracks well. So, you may now all line up for the well-deserved bitch-slapping of me. Thank goodness I didn’t send that credit info – I was so close.

Well, let’s all click on that Unseemly Button below, but do remember – I will never ask you for your password or billing information.

Anyone want my password and username? Shame on the likes of me, that’s all I can say.

Last night, prior to being stupid, I watched a motion picture entitled The Last Castle, with Mr. Robert Redford and Mr. James Gandolfini. It was basically your standard prison film, prisoners against nasty warden. This would have barely made the top-half of a double bill in the sixties, and William Holden would have played the Redford role. Once again, we are allowed to feel nothing for ourselves – every line of the film is underlined with heavy music, and one line, explaining what a castle is, is repeated in its voice-over entirety three separate times, like we’re all too stupid to have gotten it the first time. This film was directed by former critic Rod Lurie, who gave us The Contender. I thought The Contender was really bad (except for Joan Allen, who’s always fine), and this film is no better, directorially. Redford is always a pleasure to watch, and so is Gandolfini. The music by Jerry Goldsmith is, I’m afraid, wretched, basically the same score he’s been writing for the last decade. It is inconceivable that this is the same Jerry Goldsmith who wrote Patton or any of his classic film scores – and the film would play better if it were the sixties Jerry rather than the millennium Jerry. I then listened to a bit of Mr. Lurie’s audio commentary, and of course the first thing he does is say how brilliant the music is. He also says that he loves commentary tracks because they can be so helpful to aspiring filmmakers. He says he’s not only going to talk about the things he did right, but the things he did wrong. After thirty minutes, the only thing he’d done wrong was he wished he’d done some more coverage in one scene. He does talk about how brilliantly the screenwriters set the plot in motion (Redford says something Gandolfini overhears and doesn’t like). It’s not only not brilliant, it’s inane. The film is two hours and thirteen minutes – the running time is long, but the time passes quickly as it’s a loud film.

I then watched the first half of 1776. I saw the musical on Broadway with its original cast and I thought it was a wonderfully done show. The movie has many of that cast and is fun to watch for that reason. The script is great, the songs are fun and the performances are top-notch. What is not top-notch is the direction of Peter Hunt. On stage, he did a virtually perfect job. On film, he’s a bit of a botch. Mr. Hunt was clearly out of his element and his cameraman was no help whatsoever. He never ever seems to put the camera where it belongs, he moves it when he shouldn’t, he overcuts (just watch Richard Henry Lee mount his horse just before his song – awful) and most importantly he cinematically ruins the Abigail and John reveries. In fact, directorially, it’s right up there with Lost Horizon. That said, I really enjoy 1776 despite Mr. Hunt’s inexperience. It’s such a well-constructed piece and the dialogue just crackles. And William Daniels is brilliant in it, as he was on stage. Watching Howard da Silva, who’s wonderful as Benjamin Franklin, I couldn’t help but think what a fine Ernie Kritzer he would make – just a bit too tall and a bit not rotund enough – but exactly the right look.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Does anybody want my username and password? I give it freely, you know.

Oh, well, I have nauseated myself with my stupidity and now I must take the day, do the things I do and most importantly, I must bitch-slap myself from here to eternity. Don’t forget, tomorrow is our Unseemly Trivia Contest and also Donald will have a brand spanking new radio show up to amaze and delight your very own ears. Perhaps Donald will even drop by and tell us what this week’s radio show is all about. Today’s topic of discussion – yesterday we did non-theater female singers – today let’s do male. I’ll start: Jack Jones, early Steve Lawrence, Nat King Cole (what a voice!), Bing Crosby (love his laid back style), Frank Sinatra (but, of course), Billy Eckstine, the amazing Arthur Prysock (if you’ve never heard his recording of Maman from Mata Hari, seek it out – it’s brilliant), early Goulet, and the list, as always, goes on and on. Your turn.