haines his way

07/06/2002:
"SOME LIKE IT FRIED"

Well, dear readers, here we are, and it’s already Saturday. These holiday weeks go so fast they make your head spin. Frankly, my head spins but only after it rinses and washes. Last night I had some guests over to sup and watch a movie. Said guests wanted to sup on Popeye’s Chicken and always being accommodating that is what we supped on. Not only Popeye’s Chicken, but Popeye’s Biscuits, Popeye’s Catfish, Popeye’s Crawfish, Popeye’s French Fries and Popeye’s Various and Sundried Sauces. Well, I happen to like Popeye’s, but after feasting last night, I don’t need to eat Popeye’s for another three years. That is a lot of fried food, dear readers. Endless fried food. Luckily (for me) the guests took home the lion’s share of the leftovers (of which there was plenty – I bought enough fried food for twenty people, even though said guests numbered three). Yes, Virginia, the guests took home the lion’s share of the leftovers and now the fershluganah lion is in a fowl mood, having no leftovers. And a lion without leftovers is like a barefoot in the park. And a barefoot in the park knows that sometimes it’s time to come blow your horn, but when you’re lost in Yonkers and have the Biloxi blues and especially when you’re with someone you can’t stand, then not only are you lost with the blues, you’re an odd couple. Well, the only thing one can do in that situation is to take a room at the Plaza – hell, why take a room, take a Plaza suite. Or, if you’re on the other coast, take a California suite. There you can read a book – if it’s a good book you might even make it to chapter two. If you’re feeling benevolent, you can give the bum on the corner some candy – that would be sweet charity indeed. Then, your best girl keeps threatening to leave, but the goodbye girl just stays, even though she keeps making promises, promises. What the hell am I talking about?
What am I, Neil Simon all of a sudden? Don’t we have an Unseemly Trivia Contest today? And speaking of unseemly, just where in tarnation was everybody yesterday? Eating fried food? Oh, we ended up with twenty or so posts, but twenty or so posts looks so puny these days. However will July beat June if we allow such things to happen? Where was I? Oh, yes, I totally forgot – the guests and the fried food. For the film we chose Some Like it Hot, because the two youngsters in attendance had never seen it. What a funny film, and its construction is truly wonderful. I’d always remembered it as being a series of truly hilarious little scenes, but watching it last night I realized it’s made up of three or four very long set-pieces. It’s also one of the most perfectly cast movies ever made. Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon are amazing together – both as men and as women. Marilyn Monroe is so luminous in this film she practically hurts your eyes, so brightly she shines. Joe E. Brown is hilarious (zowie), and George Raft’s line readings are unique and wonderful. Can you imagine this film being made today? Who would star? Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, with, well, with who? And it would be so crass and obvious and they’d throw in toilet jokes and rock songs and blechhh.
What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? I think it’s time we all click on the Unseemly Button below, and remember I will never ask for your password or username.

The bird is outside doing the loveliest rendition of Twin Soliloquies from South Pacific (it, of course, is doing both parts and is a fine Emile and Nellie). Well, dear readers, I do believe it is time for our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest and I have a doozy for you today. I have a trivia question fraught with irony. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? And so, the question:
In the late fifties a musical appeared on Broadway. It starred a person who was already on their way to becoming a Broadway legend, and one of this musical’s creators was also on that road. But we are not interested in them. No, we are interested in a lowly chorus person. Why, you might ask, are we interested in a lowly chorus person, and I might tell you because this is a fershluganah trivia contest and this is the fershluganah question and if I withhold this information from you then we will have no fershluganah question and that would be heinous (heinous, do you hear me?). We are interested in this lowly chorus person because this lowly chorus person’s real name is the exact same name as the leading character in a very famous play. Now, that is irony. But the further irony is that the very famous play just happened to be running on Broadway at the exact same time that this lowly chorus person was appearing in the new musical. That’s right, you heard it here, dear readers, a lowly chorus person opened in a new musical at the same time that the play was running, in which the leading character had the same exact name. Is this convoluted enough for you?
Name the lowly chorus person.
Name the play in which the leading character has the lowly chorus person’s name.
Name the musical the lowly chorus person appeared in.
The important thing to remember is that it was in the late fifties. And here’s your Clue of the Week: The famous play in which the leading character bore the lowly chorus person’s real name, was turned into a film, a musical and then the musical was turned into a film.
Whew, that question was so filled with irony that I have to take a nap. Good luck to one and all and also all and one. And remember – DO NOT POST THE ANSWER ON THE SITE. Send them to me at bruce@haineshisway.com or simply use the unseemly Ask BK Button located elsewhere.
In upcoming news, our very first interview will be going up soon, and it is with the delightful, delovely, demarvelous Miss Kerry Butler, who will soon be wowing them on Broadway in Hairspray. Mr. Mark Bakalor is supposedly moved in and living in my neck of the woods, so he should be able to design the fershluganah interview section quite soon. If not, he will be bitch-slapped mercilessly and then he will be forced to eat the lion’s share of the Popeye’s Fried Foods.
Well, dear readers, I’m afraid I must be off, I must take the day, I must do the things I do. Today I will be lunching at Musso and Frank, one of my favorite LA restaurants. I shall have a full report on said meal in tomorrow’s notes. Today’s topic of discussion: If you were on a dessert island and you could only have a supply of one candy bar, what would it be? See, you were all shaking your heads and being all judgmental because you all thought I misspelled “desert”, didn’t you? But this isn’t a desert island question, it’s a dessert island question, so I guess I have the last laugh. Hahahahahahaha. Uh oh. Now there are no more laughs, because I’ve had the last laugh. Damn them, damn them all to hell. Oh, the irony. So, what candy bar would you choose? I’ll start: This is a very very hard question. And I am very very interested in your answers. For me, it would either be a Snickers (so many good things in a Snickers) or a Dark Chocolate Milky Way bar. But then I wouldn’t have any Big Hunks and that would be problematic. Your turn, my pretties.

Replies: 20 Unseemly Comments

My candy bar would be a 5th Avenue!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 07/06/2002 09:51 AM PST

The Milky Way Midnite bar, as the dark chocolate Milky Way is now called, would be my ONLY choice.
Posted by td @ 07/06/2002 10:44 AM PST

From Canada:
Coffee Crisp
Aero
Snack Bar
Never found ones that can match them especially Coffee Crisp.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 07/06/2002 11:07 AM PST

Mmmm...Hershey's Milk Chocolate Candy Bar (with no fershluganah almonds, walnuts, cherries or other sundry items)...just pure milk chocolate...Mmmm...
P.S. The Cabaret West calendar for July is now up on our website. Take a look by clicking on my name below. Some highlights are:
1. Maureen McGovern is starring in a new version of Jerry Herman's "Dear World." Jerry's written 3 new songs and there's a new book. It's at Sundance Theatre in Utah. Look under the heading "Musicals."
2. Houston Allred ("Man of a Thousand Songs") is helping to inaugurate the newly restored Napa Valley Opera House in Napa Valley, CA. Built in 1879, this is one of only two remaining historic second-story theatres in California.
3. Betsyann Faiella is appearing in her show, "Can I Be Frank?" (her tribute to Frank Sinatra) at Saddleback College Cabaret Theatre in Mission Viejo, CA. Saddleback has a Midsummer Cabaret Series they've been producing for some time now. Admission is only $17. Richard Skipper as Carol Channing will also be there in July.
4. Jason Graae is performing his one-man show at Cal State-Fresno in their Concert Hall.
5. Andrea Marcovicci is at the Plush Room in San Francisco all month performing her new Cole Porter show (from the standpoint of Linda Porter) called "So in Love: The Love Songs of Cole Porter." She'll be sitting down for an interview on 7/13 that the public is invited to attend (the $65 admission fee benefits the San Francisco Performing Arts Library & Museum).
6. Gustav Vintas will be at the Santa Barbara French Festival held at Oak Park every Bastille Day weekend. He'll be performing portions of his one-man Maurice Chevalier show (it's in French and English). Admission is free.
7. Suzy Williams with Brad Kay will be at The Gardenia on 7/10 unveiling her new show, "An Evening with Sophie Tucker."
8. Sharon McNight's Sophie Tucker show, "Red Hot Mama," has been extended thru August 4 at the York Theatre in NYC.
Posted by Donna-Cabaret West @ 07/06/2002 12:02 PM PST

Butterfinger. Mmmmm...
crispity-crunchy-peanut-buttery
goodness!
Posted by Jed @ 07/06/2002 02:00 PM PST

Candy bar? did you say "candy
bar"?
Well, since I know you have
them in the States, i will
choose a Toblerone bar;
chocolate with chopped
almonds and honey.....
A pure delight !
Where's everybody ?
Out, enjoying some candy bar
?
A candy bar day to all !
Posted by Francois @ 07/06/2002 03:04 PM PST

There is also a candy bar I have only managed to find on the east coast -- it's called the "Zero Bar" and it's yummy, yummy, yummy.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 07/06/2002 04:31 PM PST

I want my Mounds bars! I don't care if it's redundant, having a coconut candy bar on a desert island, I WANT MY MOUNDS BARS!
Jason Graae is going to be at Cal State Fresno? I graduated from Cal State Fresno! No way, even after all this time, are they ready for Jason Graae! (He'll have a great time, I'm sure.)
Posted by S. Woody White @ 07/06/2002 05:50 PM PST

Aw, this is too hard. Sure I have my favorite candy bars, but I get in different moods or have cravings for different ones:
I am fond of Forever Yours (now known as Milky Way Dark.
I revere Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
I have been known to go on a Butterfinger binge.
I have gone on a Nestles' Crunch kick.
I've had A Caramello craze periodically.
I hanker for the Hundred Thousand Dollar bar (now called A Hundred Grand).
I've picked Peter Paul Mounds Bars.
I've raved about Raisinets.
Do Sugar Babies count?
What about Bit O' Honey?
How about Whoppers?
JUST one, huh?
A good old plain chocolate bar, I guess. It could be Hershey's, Nestle's, Cadbury, Godiva.....
Posted by Kerry @ 07/06/2002 07:09 PM PST

Gee, I hate to disappoint all, as you know I am so sweet, but I have no sweet tooth. I do not eat candy bars. Shocking, I know.
My Joe, on the other hand, will eat only Cadbury Milk Chocolate. He keeps a pile of them in his night table and eats them after he brushed his teeth. He is very bad that way.
And when I say he likes Cadbury bars, let me point out that they are normally $ 1.50 apiece here, but they occasionally go on sale for $ 1.00, and when they do, I buy out the store--literally! I will go to every branch of the store. I have bought over 100 Cadbury bars at once to stock up.
Once I made the mistake of bringing home Cadbury Fruit and Nuts, and I had to eat them all myself. Which reminds me, he ate the last bar last night and there is none for tonight and I must buy them tomorrow morning at 7:00, when I do my weekly shopping.
Also, although it is not a candy bar but an ice-cream bar, his other special treat is the Dove bar. Not chocolate over vanilla, but chocolat over chocolate. I missed out on the chocloholic gene myself.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 07/06/2002 08:07 PM PST

It is so much fun getting to know your favorite candy bars! I was beginning to worry about yesterday and today's lack of postings, but I went to another website where they have a chat board and it's dead as a doornail. But let this be a momentary abberation - let us get back on track tomorrow with our free for all day. I have seen two count them two new DVDs and will have that report as well as My Meal at Musso for you tomorrow.
Posted by bk @ 07/06/2002 08:28 PM PST

Whew! What a relief!
Joe just reminded me there were four Cadbury bars in the kitchen cabinet.
Otherwise, I'd be heading for divorce for sure.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 07/06/2002 08:37 PM PST

I would choose the following two:
1. Kit Kat Bar - chocolately crunchy goodness and it also sounds like a cool place to set a musical in.
2. Skybar. Does anyone else know what these ingenius candy bars are? If you don't.. let me tell you, because it's like getting 4 candy bars in one! It's chocolate covered: Vanilla, Peanut Butter, Fudge and Caramel. Yum!
Posted by Craig @ 07/06/2002 09:17 PM PST

I know this will shock one and all, and perhaps all and one, but I prefer cake. Maybe on a dessert island there would be lots of cake. If I were so unfortunate as to have to pick just one single, solitary candy bar—and candy bars pose little temptation to me—I guess it would be Nestlé Crunch, even though I am a dark-chocolate lover. In fact, often I have said chocolate cannot be too dark. Too bitter, maybe. Too dark, never. I would pick the milk-chocolate Nestlé Crunch for its balance of chocolate and rice and for its ability to wear well, and remain appealing, over time. Milky Way, Three Musketeers, Kit Kat, Cadbury Caramello, Hershey Bar and Hershey Special Dark may be good now and then, or then and now—and are—but I would coexist best with Nestlé Crunch. I think. I hope. May I consider it some more? Over cake, maybe?
Posted by freedunit @ 07/06/2002 10:38 PM PST

I know you will all heave a sigh of relief knowing that shopping's at seven, G-d's in his heaven, all's right with the world, and I just brought home fourteen Milk Chocolate Cadbury bars.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 07/07/2002 06:21 AM PST

I am suprised that there is no Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest song bout chocolate bars.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 07/07/2002 06:39 AM PST

A classic musing....
One payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor, so he took Miss Hershey to the Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her some Twix. He began to feel her Mounds, which gave her pure Almond Joy and made her Tootsie Roll which, of course, made her want to Eat More. When he saw her Cherry Blossom, he gasped, "Sweet Marie, this is Wunderbar."
She let out a Snicker and felt like she was flying around Mars, as he slid his Butterfinger up her Kit Kat which caused a Milky Way. She screamed out, "Oh, Henry!" as she grasped his Big Turk and squeezed his M & M's. Then she said, giving him a Hershey's kiss, "You're even better than the Three Musketeers", to which he replied, "Hey, My Little Peanut Butter Cup, when you're this good, they call you Mr. Big."
Looking at the clock, he noticed it was After Eight, so he, not wanting to get caught in the Crispy Crunch of traffic, got dressed and went home, feeling as cool as a Klondike.
But to his dismay, the little lady soon became Chunky and nine months later, gave birth to a Baby Ruth.
Posted by Craig @ 07/07/2002 06:59 AM PST

Is bitch-slap a candy bar?
Posted by freedunit @ 07/07/2002 07:04 AM PST

Good question. And what would it be made out of. Surely it would be something like chocolate with pop rocks in it to WAKEN up the senses
Posted by Craig @ 07/07/2002 07:30 AM PST

Pop Rocks in chocolate upsets me. I have encountered it too often and it is never pleasant. I always want to bitch-slap the ones who conceived it and made it.
Posted by freedunit @ 07/07/2002 08:18 AM PST

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