Well, dear readers, here we are on Saturday which, of course, feels like Thursday because I am answering your excellent questions today instead of Thursday. Thursday, however, didn’t feel like Saturday, it felt more like Tuesday, although I don’t know why it felt more like Tuesday. It was just one of those things, just one of those fabulous things. Tuesday sort of felt like Friday, frankly, and Friday felt like Friday, therefore I had two feel-like Fridays instead of one feel-like Friday. This is known as the days of the week confusion, when the days of the week are askew and askance and you walk around in a perpetual daze because the days are askew and askance. That is also known as The Days/Daze Effect. What the hell am I talking about? In any case, I do apologize for the briefness of the Thursday and Friday notes, and I shall more than make up for it on this fine Saturday, which is suddenly feeling like Sunday.

It is quite early in the morning because there was a strange noise that awakened me and I could not go back to sleep. This strange noise was emanating from somewhere in the not-too-far distance, and it sounded rather like a cat with post-nasal drip to me. Whenever I hear the sound of a cat with a post-nasal drip I immediately wake up. That also happens when I hear a cat on a hot tin roof. However, I never awaken when I hear a cat with a pre-nasal drip and I most certainly never awaken when I hear a cat on a cold steel roof.

I thank all of you loyal Hainsies/Kimlets for sending me all your good vibes, and I can only say they were helpful in making two difficult days less difficult. I truly believe that it is a time to move forward, hold no enmity, and to heal. Thus I say and say no more.

In addition to the answers to your excellent questions, there are several other things we must call your attention to. However, unless you give me your attention’s phone number how can we call it? That is simply nigh unto impossible. Oh, yes, it is nigh unto impossible. First of all, I wasn’t going to have an Unseemly Trivia Contest today, because I hadn’t thought of a question, but I have since thought of a question and since you all had such luck with last week’s straight play question I thought I’d try another of those and so, by gum and by golly, I shall. Also, Mr. Donald Feltham has a brand spanking new radio show going up on Sunday, with this week’s guest, our very own dear reader, Mr. Ron Pulliam with some of his favorite showtune choices. Also, do check out the wild and wooly Alison Fraser’s interview in our The Unseemly Interview Section, which can be located by simply clicking on the Link to New Sections icon over there on the left.

So, what time is it, dear readers? No, it is not Howdy Doody time, that is not the correct answer. It is Unseemly Button time, the time when all good dear readers must click on the Unseemly Button below because it is simply the thing to do.

Has anyone noticed that even though it is Saturday it feels like Thursday? Before we get to your excellent questions of Wednesday, here is this week’s Unseemly Trivia Contest question:

In the late fifties a then major playwright who was coming off two huge hits, wrote a then notoriously huge flop. This huge flop starred a young adult who was about to go onto major motion picture stardom, and in fact the motion picture which helped put that young adult on that journey was also written by this playwright. Also in the play were two other interesting cast members – one would go on to appear with the young adult some years later in one of the young adult’s most famous movies, a true motion picture classic. The other cast member was a very well-known performer who had appeared in a classic Broadway musical (doing a classic number) and who was not known for being a straight play performer.

Name the flop play.
Name the cast member who appeared alongside the motion picture star in the true motion picture classic.
Name the very well-known performer who’d appeared in a classic Broadway musical.

Unseemly Clue: This flop play was, a few years later, turned into an equally unsuccessful film, which used a different and more provocative and blatant title.

Remember, DO NOT POST YOUR ANSWERS TO THE SITE. Send them to me via e-mail at bruce@haineshisway.com, or by simply clicking on the Ask BK button located on your friendly home page.

Well, shall we get to your excellent questions? We shall.

Laura asks if I ever got a glimpse of my friend Wendy Stuart’s underpants when I was Benjamin Kritzer’s age? I apparently didn’t meet Wendy Stuart until high school (even though I thought I’d met her before that) so I didn’t know her when I was Benjamin Kritzer’s age. Had I known her, you can bet your boots I would have. Of course, if you’d bet your boots you wouldn’t have any boots and then where would you be? Bootless in Arizona, that’s where. If I’d produced the Forever Plaid CD, would I have done anything differently? Yes, just about everything. I would be very true to the way the show is presented on stage, and that includes the piano/bass accompaniment. I hate the synth stuff on the CD, and the whole thing is not theatrical at all, and you don’t really get a sense of the show which is, after all, what a cast album is all about.

Stuart asks this important question: Does my chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight? There are two main reasons why I cannot answer this question – I don’t chew gum, and I don’t have a bed post. I would be speculating, and heaven knows I would hate to speculate in public.

Jason asks if I’m familiar with a singer named Philip Chaffin? I’m aware of his CD, but I haven’t heard it yet. People do seem to enjoy it, though. Jason also asks if the “hidden” track on Emily and Alice’s Unsuspecting Hearts was legit or was it set up for the recording? The tape of them doing the West Side Story duet was real – it was a rehearsal tape from their first album, when we were choosing material – and I’d asked them to give that song a go. I laughed so hard when I heard it that I knew we’d have to use it at some point. So, I just let them go in and improvise the opening banter and then we dropped in the cassette. Finally, did I do the arrangement on the “hidden” track on the Sondheim album (Getting Married Today ala The McGuire Sisters)? Yes, it was my concept and layout – Brad Ellis did the actual vocal and musical chart.

Ron Pulliam asks how many of my albums contain a “hidden” track? And which are they? If memory serves (and it frequently doesn’t – memory sometimes simply will not do menial tasks like serve), No Way To Treat a Lady has a great one, Lost In Boston III (the first hidden track we did, I think), both Emily Skinner and Alice Ripley albums, Drat! The Cat!, The Paul Simon Album, The Burt Bacharach Album, Jason Graae: Live at the Cinegrill, Bells are Ringing, The Stephen Sondheim Album, and maybe one or two more.

Ben asks if I speak any other languages other than English? No, although I’m very good at doing accents. In all of my performing, did I ever do a role that required an accent and how do I feel about the use of accents if the talent is not up to the task? Well, bad accents ruin performances – I find it just makes the whole thing unbelievable. Jodie Foster in Anna and the King is unbearable for that reason. The only accent I’ve ever gotten to do is an English one – which I do very very very (that is three verys) well indeed. I did it in Stop the World, in Roar of the Greasepaint, and then finally at the Mark Taper Forum in Peter Nichols’ Forget-Me-Not Lane (I repeated the role for the PBS Theater in America series, and you can now buy it from that Broadway Theater Archive site).

Matthew asks with the exception of the Laurie Beechman Andrew Lloyd Webber album, why do I seemingly avoid the music of Lloyd Webber? I think we’ve done a bit of Lloyd Webber over the years. I know Michelle Nicastro did two or three on her last album, Twiggy did one, Christiane Noll did one. I do find the ones worth doing get done a lot, and I do tend to try to avoid songs that are overdone, especially ones that don’t lend themselves to a variety of treatments. Of all the flops in the last ten years that didn’t get a cast album, which one would I have liked to produce and why? I think mostly everything in the last ten years got cast albums, really. I’d have to go back just a bit further and say Smile, because I truly love the score and I could have made a splendid album, and Lolita, My Love, for the same reasons.

William F. Orr asks what happened to my New York signing trip? Unfortunately, things got a bit crazy here, and for various and sundried reasons I could not leave town. We are planning to do both a book and DVD signing and I’ll let you know as soon as I know, because when I’m there we will be having a New York haineshisway.com get-together.

Philip Crosby asks if Cher will ever really make a telefilm of Mame? It’s certainly possible, I suppose, but I don’t think I’d want to view it. What do I think of the footage from Chicago, the film, that’s been popping up lately? I haven’t seen it, but people have been posting that it looks good.

Kerry asks when I’m not wearing polo shirts, am I a buttondown collar or spread collar man? I suppose more of a spread collar man, although I do have a few buttondown shirts. What movies that I love would not make a good musical? Well, Touch of Evil, Rosemary’s Baby, Chinatown, Repulsion, The Wild Bunch, Vertigo, etc. Who took the photo of me that graces BK’s Notes II and when was it taken? I think a year ago, by Kevin Merrill. Kerry would love it if I did an all-star CD of Tony Hatch songs – if I did do it, who would I use? I would do such a CD in an instant, although it probably wouldn’t sell very well. Although I’ve been wrong before. I’d use Liz Callaway, Petula, Tami Tappan, Alice Ripley, Emily Skinner – you know, the usual suspects. I don’t really know who would sing what, and it would be very hard to pick just fifteen songs. Certainly all of Petula’s hits would have to be on the album in one way or another. That said, I once arranged a medley for a singer called A Petula Clark Love Story, where I made a love story out of all of her hits. Finally, Kerry asks if I’ve ever collaborated on songs/shows with anyone? I have tended to go it alone, but there have been the odd instances. I am currently writing a musical with my friend David Wechter, and we’re sharing all duties. I have been contemplating for some time doing a What If revue, and I wrote a title song for that, which I did the lyric for and the brilliant Claibe Richardson wrote the music for. I wrote the lyric for the hidden track on Lost in Boston III, which had music by Brad Ellis.

S. Woody White wants to know what it takes for me to think a Mexican restaurant is great. Well, a great beef taco is always a good indication – and simple good cheese enchiladas, too. Great salsa and guacamole and I’m a happy compadre. S. Woody White also asks how many Road Runner/Wile E. Coyote cartoons Chuck Jones directed. Somewhere I have the book Chuck Amuck, but I can’t find it, and hence cannot answer the question.

Paul Fairie asks how I pick the people who write the liner notes in the CDs that I produce? I just try to match up the CD with someone who has a real affinity for the subject and/or artist. Sometimes you do end up taking a wrong turn, and you either have to have them redone, or you have to do extensive rewriting.

Craig has his usual plethora of questions: How can I convince Craig’s Fortune 500 company that haineshisway.com is required reading – if he could fly me in what would I say to his boss to convince him? I would say, “Listen, you unmitigated piece of dog snot, you let your employees read haineshisway.com every single day or you will suffer the torments of 1,000 Kiwi Fruits. If that doesn’t do it, I’m afraid it’s a lost cause. Craig wants to know if I got my copy of Michelle Pirret’s new CD, which I wrote the liner notes for. Why yes I did, and it’s quite nice indeed – do I think any of our Hainsies/Kimlets should run out and buy this album? I don’t know about run or out, but it certainly is worth a listen – Michelle has a lovely sultry voice and she’s got some terrific musicians with her. Am I a person who loves getting their mail every day? I do love getting mail unless there are bills, in which case I do not love getting mail. Do I open it right away? That I do, instantly. Do the circulars hit the trash immediately? That they do. Is there a witty outgoing message on my answering machine or cell phone? Well, there’s a rude Brit named Rollo – I don’t know if he’s so witty, but he’s cherce. What is one of the best practical jokes I’ve played on someone, and what was the best played on me? I can’t even remember playing a practical joke on someone, isn’t that sad? When I was doing the play at the Taper with Bud Cort, we used to go out to the little restaurant at the Music Center afterwards and I would invariably order some kind of cream pie. Our food would arrive, and he’d look off behind me as if he were seeing someone and he’d wave – I’d naturally turn around to see who it was, and when I saw no one there, I’d turn back – right into my cream pie which Bud had placed in front of my face. He did this to me more times than I care to admit. What time is it right now? It is 9:33 according to my Benjamin Kritzer clock on the wall. What was the last pastry I had? Is a donut a pastry? If not, I can’t even recall the last pastry. If donuts count, probably an apple fritter about a month ago. I haven’t mentioned working out in a while – how is it going? Well, of course, I jog pretty regularly, and I still have the abs and buns of steel, of course. Finally, have I ordered my DVD of the Back To The Future trilogy? No, I tend not to order DVDs as I usually get them early from a store I frequent.

Michael Shayne asks if I think Director’s Cuts should actually be called Director’s Additions, as most of the time they add and not subtract footage. Well, of course, cut, in terms of Director’s Cut, doesn’t mean cut as in subtract – it means cut as in edit, as in cut together. It’s filmmaking slang for Director’s Version. Is that Jason Graae displayed in the booklet of the CD Out at the Movies and if not, who is it? It isn’t, and it’s an image the booklet designer found, so I don’t know who it is. Is my musical Stages autobiographical and if so can I say who is who? Sure. It is somewhat autobiographical (I wrote it for the fiftieth anniversary of the Theater Arts Department at LACC), about my time at LACC. The leading lady, Cynthia is slightly based on Cindy Williams, Bernard would slightly be based on me, Lorne Roy Wayne was based on a funny guy named Tom Lowe, I think, who ended up playing one of the villains in The Outlaw Josey Wales. Michael then has more questions about Stages – the lady who did the choreography, Tanya Everett, is this the same woman who played Chava in the original Broadway cast of Fiddler? Yes, she is, and she was sister to the late Timmy Everett who was the stage and film Tommy Djilas in The Music Man. Jeffrey Kramer who played Achmed Rafunian III (based on a fellow named Bouzourgma Rafia) did indeed go on to the TV series, Struck By Lightening. He was also one of the original producers of Ally McBeal. Was Alan Abelew’s role of Johnny an extension of his First Nudie Musical role? All the roles I wrote for Alan were an extension of that role, which in turn was an extension of Alan Abelew. Musical director Micheal Goodrow is indeed the actor who went on to do Eight is Enough for two seasons.

Td asks what I’d think of a movie musical starring Barbara Harris, Ann Reinking, Barry Bostwick, Trish VanDevere, Harry Hamlin, Barry Bostwick, Kathleen Beller, Art Carney, Jocelyn Brando, Eli Wallach, Michael Kidd, Red Buttons, Rebecca York and George C. Scott? Well, I like it already because it has two count them two Barry Bostwicks. I would call this musical, Leave It to Beaver. I would have The Hughes Brothers direct it. What does “Socrates is dead, Plato is very lonely” mean to me? Has anyone else noticed that td seems to have lost possibly three marbles? How would I film the above musical? I would film it with a camera, in the theatrical ratio of 1:85:1 in colors.

George asks if I have any plans or would I even like to record a CD of Meltz and Ernest songs? If so, would I envision it as a solo CD with Guy Haines, or with multiple artists? I will have some very very very (that is three verys) interesting Meltz and Ernest news in the upcoming weeks, so stay tuned. In their song, I’m a Blue Blue Jew, the lyric “It’s true, so nu?” appears, and that exact same line appears in Guys and Dolls’ song, Sue Me. Which came first? Well, I believe I’m a Blue Blue Jew was written in the late thirties, so Meltz and Ernest, as usual, were there first. What does “nu” mean? I defer that question to our resident expert on all things Hebrew, Miss Susan Gordon.

Dolores Haze (the former Lolita), asks what are my feelings about nail polish? I feel that I like nail polish of certain colors on certain nails, but I do not like nail polish of certain colors or even clear on my very own nails. What do you think of that?

Tom from Oz asks if I have all the Ben Bagley albums and which are my favorites? I have most of them, I think – I’m very fond of The Decline and Fall of the Entire World as Seen Through the Eyes of Cole Porter – I think that’s on CD, yes?

William E. Lurie asks who were the most memorable understudies/standbys I’ve seen? The two best, I’m sorry to say, I can’t remember the names of. One was the standby for Ginger Rogers in the LA company of Hello, Dolly! Whoever she was, she was great. And once, when seeing Promises, Promises on Broadway, Jill O’Hara was out, and her understudy was on and could barely speak herself. Somewhere just before Knowing When to Leave, they replaced the understudy with one of the pit singers, and whoever she was she was amazing – I’ve never heard the Fran songs done better. I liked Lauren Kennedy when I saw her do Emily Skinner’s role in Side Show.

Well, these were certainly long and endless notes, weren’t they? Frankly, they felt more like Thursday notes to me, but so what if they did? That is what happens when one waits until Saturday to do what one was supposed to do on Thursday. In any case, I shall now go try to sleep again – hopefully the cat with the post-nasal drip has gone and found a hot tin roof over in Sherman Oaks. Today’s topic of discussion: What is the most thrilling dance number you’ve ever seen in a film, where you’ve actually wanted to stand and applaud what you’ve seen? (I know we’ve had the discussion about live shows)? I’ll start: Very hard to choose one – America, from West Side Story (I saw the film in its initial run fourteen times in a row, and that number never failed to get applause), Pick Yourself Up from Swing Time, with Mr. Astaire and Miss Rogers, Singin’ In the Rain and Fit as a Fiddle and Make ‘Em Laugh from Singin’ In the Rain, Shine on your Shoes from The Band Wagon and many more. Your turn.