Well, dear readers, there is something heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) going on. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, there is something heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) going on and I shall speak of it and expose it right here and now and also right now and here. Someone has hacked our webaddress here at haineshisway.com (or rather my e-mail address link) and is sending out virus-laden e-mails which appear as if they’re coming from bruce@haineshisway.com. Well, let me assure you they are most certainly not coming from here (a simple look at the headers will tell you the truth), nor have I ever had a virus on this computer. No, someone else has a virus on their computer and that someone else most likely had this address in their e-mail address book, and now that virus has picked up all those names and is sending out more viruses as if they were coming from those names. As it’s been explained to me, it does this to cover its originator’s tracks, and is like a big daisy chain that just gets worse and worse and more endless. So, if you get something from bruce@haineshisway.com do not open it if it has an attachment. First of all, I never send attachments from that address – in fact, I never send anything from that address. That’s how you know it’s bogus – that is merely a link to a normal e-mail address with my usual ISP. In fact, this has been happening for a week or two, and I immediately forwarded it to our handy-dandy webmaster, Scott, but he told me then that they are definitely not coming from here. He also told me that it was most likely not a hack job, that someone was putting our name in the “from” field. I found that news pretty interesting, and then I got a bounced-back e-mail and I looked at the headers and at the bottom was an “apparently from” header, and I recognized the name. When telling one of our dear readers about this rather shocking news, he told me that that is how viruses work, that that person most likely has a virus on their computer that is doing this – or they could have even been a victim of someone else with a virus. Of course, there’s always the off-chance that they could have done this on purpose, but that doesn’t really make sense to me and I think it’s one of these other scenarios.

In any case, I have made it a rule of thumb (I've also made it a rule of ear and a rule of elbow) to never open an attachment from anyone ever, even if it’s from a name I recognize, unless a) I have been told it’s coming and what it is or, b) I confirm via e-mail that they’ve sent it and what it is. I must tell you that if it’s b, never once have I even gotten a response (if I e-mail the person asking them what the attachment is). I recommend all of you do the same. I say this because one of our dear readers got one of these disgusting things and because it was from here tried to open it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – what thrill do these stupid idiots get from causing this trouble? Do they covertly walk around thinking, “Ooh, today I really got thousands of people by sending out viruses that will screw up their computers.” I mean, what kind of psycho losers are these people. They’ve been doing this for years, these virus people, but they’re getting worse and worse and more sophisticated at hacking innocent people’s addresses. Just know that you should always check the headers when getting it, find the root if you can and then send something to abuse at that domain.

I shall now get off my box of soap and back to today’s regularly scheduled notes, which are of the long and winding notes variety, or perhaps even the long and winding notes Hollywood Reporter.

Last night I watched a DVD, which I just got an advance copy of. It contained a made-for-television motion picture entitled Copacabana, starring Mr. Barry Manilow and my pal, Annette O’Toole. I’d somehow missed this when it was originally shown in 1985, and I’ve somehow continued to miss it over the years. I do know there was a stage version done, and I myself recorded two songs from it for my Prime Time Musicals album, Who Needs to Dream (sung by Christiane Noll) and Man Wanted (sung by Jolie Jenkins). Well, may I just say first and foremost, I like Barry Manilow, and I’ve always liked Barry Manilow and if that makes me an old poop then I’m afraid I’m an old poop. In fact, I like him so much that I once did a rather wicked spoof of him for a cable comedy show called Likely Stories, which is wicked and affectionate at the same time. So, I was predisposed to enjoy Copacabana. Unfortunately, all the predisposition in the world could not have prepared me for what I witnessed. May we just say that while Mr. Barry Manilow is charming and fun, he is not an actor, although he tries mightily to be one which, of course, is part of the problem. He is simply goony in this telefilm, some of which is fine and lots of which is not. The script, by that master of ooze, Mr. James Lipton (he of Inside the Actor’s Studio) is filled with one risible scene after another – all unintentionally hilarious (I actually fell off my couch howling at one point because I could not believe I was hearing and seeing what I was hearing and seeing). It’s one gigantic cliché, all “adapted” from the song and lyrics of Barry’s hit, Copacabana. Joseph Bologna, as Rico Castelli, is so horrid it’s unbelievable. I’ve never seen him give less than an okay performance, but this one belongs in the cliché pantheon. It’s mostly a period piece which seems to be set in the early forties – and yet Barry lets loose with one of his big power ballads in the streets of New York (all on a backlot) and it’s so out of place and so shoehorned in, it’s just impossible not to laugh (especially given its inept direction and staging). My pal Annette O’Toole is a marvel, however, as she always is, plus she gets to sing, and she’s the saving grace of this sorry enterprise. One of my favorite things was the location of where she works, at The Glass Slipper Dance Hall at 43rd and Broadway. When you see the backlot street and set, you will know how truly ludicrous this whole thing is. The supporting roles are not especially well-cast, which is also problematic. I kept thinking, maybe it’s camp, but it’s not, it’s just bad. They’re really trying to be serious and give it depth but they do it in all the wrong ways. And then there’s the infamous La Bravo number, which Bologna is going to resurrect at his famous Havana nightclub, starring his new obsession, Lola. He describes this number as the most famous nightclub number in history. Well, it’s so mind-bogglingly awful in every way, it’s amazing. It could not be more mind-bogglingly awful. The minute you see the “boys” dressed as pirates, with their dance belts run amok, you know what land you are in and it’s not Kansas. The excellent Grover Dale provided the not excellent choreography. From that point on, it just gets sillier and sillier as Barry “rescues” Lola from Havana, in one ineptly filmed scene after another. Along the way, we do get to see Barry perform several numbers (I do like the totally wrong for the period, Sweet Heaven, which he does in white tie and tails as a Copa headliner), although the music production, despite its pedigreed people, sounds surprisingly cheap. Barry’s hair also gets larger and larger as the show goes on – it’s positively huge by the end. It’s a must-have DVD – I think it comes out relatively soon and you simply must have it whether you own a DVD player or not.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? I should see if Mr. Mark Bakalor, the most errant and truant human being on the face of the planet, can put up a video or sound clip from my Barry spoof, entitled Barry in Concert. I play Barry (in white tie and tails, big shoes, and big hair), singing his greatest hits, including this one:

His name was Marvin,
He was a show girl
Yes, he wore panties and wore hose
Couldn’t get enough of those
And he was cute as hell
And that is why I fell

At the Ramrod
Down there on Highland
It was an island full of sleaze
Everybody on their knees.
At the Ramrod,
Down there on Highland
Tight jeans and tight buns
You might find the right buns
At the Ramrod!
You get it all…

Well, these really are getting to be the long and winding notes, aren’t they? And we haven’t even gotten to the answers to your excellent questions yet. So, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below whilst singing, “Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl.”

Well, we have many questions for which I shall provide many answers, so we may as well get right down to the long and winding answers.

William E. Lurie asks when I see an older musical do I prefer a revival or revisal. Unless something is really untoward in the original, I prefer the original, unless, like the upcoming Flower Drum Song, they tell you it’s basically a whole different show. I detested Annie Get Your Gun – I’m sorry but that show doesn’t need Peter Stone’s help, just as Peter Stone’s 1776 doesn’t need anyone else’s help.

Jason asks if someone were to write a musical about your life, using only pre-existing theater music, what overture would I want for “my” show? Well, I’m not sure what you’re asking, so I’ll just say that for “my” show I’d like the overture from 110 In The Shade. What song would I want for my Act One Finale? Everything’s Coming Up Roses, of course. Or, if I’m feeling defiant (which I am), And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going. What composer/lyricist would I ask to write my Act Two Finale? Hmmm. Maybe Jule Styne and Comden and Green, maybe the Gershwins, or maybe Mr. Berlin. Would my show be a comedy or a melodrama. Well, I’ve certainly had some of both let me tell you, but comedy wins out every time. What living actor would I want to play me in my me show? Well, that’s tough, isn’t it? Someone dashing, someone vibrant, someone charismatic, someone sexy, someone… oh, very well, I shall play me!

JMK asks if I can define “anamorphic” in easy-to-understand language, and also which processes utilize it. Well, I’m not sure I can do anything in easy-to-understand language, but I’ll give it a whirl and a twirl. Cinemascope was the first mainstream process to use anamorphic lenses. These lenses would “squeeze” the image onto standard 35mm film. In other words, if you looked at the actual film, the actors or scenery would appear thin and elongated. That film, when projected with an anamorphic lens, gets “unsqueezed” and wide, with everyone looking their proper proportion. All true widescreen processes that used anamorphic lenses worked like that, be it Cinemascope, Panavision, Franscope, Tohoscope or whatever. 1:85:1 which is the standard widescreen process is not anamorphic and not squeezed. Super 35 is a different kind of widescreen process, which I don’t totally understand, but which does not involve anamorphic lenses for filming. JMK also asks if I’ve seen any of the “thumb” movie parodies? Nope – I’ve seen the DVD packages but not the films themselves.

William F. Orr asks what kind of car I drive? I drive an Infiniti I30, which I am very very very (that is three verys) fond of. What was my major in college? Theater Arts. Would I like to direct more movies. Yes, I would, and if all goes according to Hoyle, yes I will be. I will have more news on this front very soon indeed. Have I ever had a pet? Yes, I had a dog named Sandy, who I found abandoned in a used record store in 1979. Have I ever traveled outside the US and if so, where? I am ashamed to say I have never been to Europe, but that will change soon, I’m hoping. I have been to Toronto and Montreal, if that counts.

Jed asks when I play a CD at home, how often do I listen to one that I produced? Practically never, unless I’m having a massage, in which case I occasionally play Sax and Violence, my film noir album. If I were to do another “in Jazz” album with Terry Trotter what show’s score would we like to tackle next? Well, we’d both like to do one more Sondheim album, with songs from all the shows we didn’t do, like Into the Woods, Sunday in the Park, Pacific Overtures, Evening Primrose, etc.

Dolores formerly Lolita asks what is the most unseemly thing I have ever heard? Well, when we were shooting The Creature Wasn’t Nice, Mr. Leslie Nielsen had his device with him at all times, said device being a flatulence sounder. Every five minutes or so he would use it (even in scenes we were shooting!) and the sound of passing gas would ring out all over the sound stage. That was fairly unseemly. I remember Patrick Macnee coming up to me and saying, “Dear boy, does Leslie have stomach problems?” What is my favorite rhyme from a lyric? Oh, there are too many, but You Must Meet My Wife is loaded with great rhymes and a brilliant rhyming pattern, and so is Please Hello from Pacific Overtures. What do I think of M. Night Shyamalan and will I see Signs in the theater or wait for the DVD? I was, I guess, one of the few people who “got” The Sixth Sense within ten minutes of its opening. I did enjoy it, but did not find it brilliant. I’m also one of the few who enjoyed his second film, Unbreakable. It was also not brilliant but there was something I liked about it. I’ll probably see Signs at a screening of some sort.
Am I a list person? Do you mean do I list to the left or right? Sometimes I do, I just stand leaning one way or another. I had a teacher in college who did that and one day he just fell over. I don’t make lists, if that’s what you mean. Am I a notebook person? Not really – I’m more of a legal pad person. Am I a human person? I’ve had my moments. Have I ever heard of a “man purse” and would I consider using one? If you mean those little bags that go around the waist, no I would not. I don’t like extraneous things on my person. I wear no jewelry for that very reason. Clothing, yes, but not things that are too too too (that is three toos, which might be considered a six) bulky and cumbersome. Finally, what do I think are important issues and where do I stand on them? Well, I thought my daughter was an important issue, although I don’t recall ever standing on her. I think living in a sane world is an important issue and that’s where I stand on it. I think loyalty is an important issue and that’s where I stand on it. I think stamping out evil is an important issue and I’m firmly for stamping and stomping it wherever it resides.

Dave asks given my penchant for wordplay, do I like puns? I couldn’t say that I’m in love with them, no. I did used to enjoy saying that I produced 130 albums in eight years and that had to be some kind of record. What is my opinion of Miss Betty Buckley? Well, I enjoyed her in Triumph of Love. I have heard horror stories from those who have worked with her that she can be a very peculiar sort, but I like her voice when she is simple and doesn’t stomp a song to death with overkill or too much “meaning”. Of all the singers I have worked with over the years, who would I rank as the top five pure singers – male and female – singers who have the best pitch, intonation, diction and overall vocal quality. That’s a hard one, because I sometimes like singers who may not be as perfect as what you describe, but who connect with a song in very special ways. That said, I’d have to rank Liz Callaway at the top – she can do anything. Kristin Chenoweth has an extraordinary instrument. Rebecca Luker as well. Christiane Noll is not chopped liver (well, I don’t know that for a fact) and Alet Oury was (and probably is) a wonder. But I’ve really liked everyone I’ve worked with for the most part. Of the men, I haven’t worked with all that many, but I think Brent Barrett is great, as is Jason Graae and Norm Lewis. Given that I work with great singers, do I find that I need to do any tweaking of the vocals on any of my albums? Sure, I do as many takes as I need to until I feel I have enough material to make an absolutely perfect take. If that’s one take, that’s great. If it’s three or four then I comp the vocal, sometimes just using one take for the basis and putting in occasional lines, sometimes alternating lines often, sometimes going word by word if I have to, and I’ve even replaced the second half of a syllable. I’m maniacal about vocals, and that’s why singers trust me and like to work with me, because they know I will protect them and make the best vocal that’s possible. When we do tweak, it’s always totally seamless and there is no way to tell what we’ve done, and the singers invariably think they sang it that way in one take. As for pitch, I don’t use a pitch controller often, but I wouldn’t say that I’ve never used it. Of all the many hats I wear, if I could wear only one which would it be? That’s too damn hard. For the last eight years, I was willing to put aside all hats except for record producing because I love doing that. It’s actually a combination of everything I love, because when I do an album, I produce, I direct, I write arrangements, I conceive albums, I cast – it’s like making movies for the ear. But writing my book made me realize how much I missed writing and I loved that experience and have been writing a lot lately. I also love directing dearly, although I don’t know if dearly loves being directed by me. Acting I can live without, and thankfully Guy Haines has usurped my singing career (he’s much better than I am).

Michael Shayne has several questions: Will I continue the online bio I was writing, better known as “The Story”. I don’t think so, as fascinating as it all is, it ultimately is a negative and I don’t want to dwell on negative things. Even when I began telling it, I was in a foul mood every time I sat down to write it. So, my guess is no. If I were to write my bio to appear in Playbill what would it say? Well, I like the bio that appears in the back of Benjamin Kritzer, so probably that would do. What credit would I omit? Well, I’ve never listed Prime Suspect in any bio. If I were to have a dinner what musical theater (or film) characters would I invite and why? Oy. Mama Rose, Tevye, John Adams (just so I could say, Sit down, John), Gelsomina (with translator), Ella Peterson, Gigi, Madame Armfelt, Annie Oakley, Molly Brown and Peter Pan. That would be a fine and interesting gathering. Same question with real people (producers, writers, performers, directors, etc.): Well, let’s see – Steve Sondheim, Schmidt and Jones, Dorothy Loudon, Lauren Bacall, Jason Graae, Harold Prince, Tony Walton, Bernadette Peters, Alice Ripley and Kander and Ebb. Finally, would it be possible to have a chat room here at haineshisway.com? We discussed it early on and decided it would be problematic for a number of reasons – that’s why we went with the posting system that we have. But I have been thinking about having some kind of monthly “event” live chat – and we’re looking into that right now. Let me know your thoughts, dear readers.

Ron Pulliam asks if I am going to start a new label and if so what will it be called? Well, the thought has obviously crossed my mind and I have a standing offer of major distribution should I do so. I don’t know what the future holds in that regard, but I would say it is certainly a possibility. I have several projects in the works right now and am waiting to find out if all of them are going to go. Let us all keep our digits crossed. Did I ever resolve the issue with the animal corpses at my doorstep? Well, it’s happened twice, but hasn’t happened since the last time I reported it. How about the dead flying things in the bathroom? Those are still there, but not very much anymore. Just two or three, so whatever the problem was seems to have righted itself.

Kerry mentions that there is at least one other hidden track (other than the ones Michael Shayne mentioned) on my albums – I’ll go look, but off the top of my head I can tell you there’s one on Cole Porter: A Musical Toast (although I don’t really consider it one of my true hidden tracks) – okay, here are the others I’ve found (including one I’d totally forgotten about!): The Paul Simon Album (a great hidden track with Jane Krakowski and Lauren Kennedy doing a rap version of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover), Bells Are Ringing (Faith Prince horsing around with the band), Cinderella (Bibbity Bobbity Boo sung by Michelle Nicastro), and the one I’d forgotten about – Monster Mania (my Godzilla album – a great album of Godzilla themes – there’s a heavy metal Godzilla song as the hidden track). Kerry keeps hoping I’ll produce a CD of various male actors and singers, using my usual troupe of wonderful guys. If I were to record such a CD which songs would I use and what would the title of the album be? Well, that would take a lot of thought, and besides we don’t want to give away good ideas, do we? If I could play any role in A Chorus Line, which would it be (assuming I would be in the appropriate age range and could do the dancing – in other words, a fantasy question)? Well, Bobby is fun – but the easiest would be Zach, so I could just sit in the back of the theater and read my lines off a paper.

Jeff Krispow posted a very nice post about my film Naked Space, aka Spaceship, aka The Creature Wasn’t Nice and asks if I could and would ever put out a special edition DVD of the standard release version and my cut (which was only seen in a handful of previews). I would love to do so, because I feel it would vindicate the film a bit, and also really surprise people how different two versions of the same film can be. All I can say is, be careful what you wish for, because talks are going on and it is a real possibility.

Craig has his usual plethora of questions: If I were writing a stage musical of The Silence of the Lambs what would some of the song titles be and can I give us a lyric from the big 11:00 number for Hannibal. Well, I don’t know how these things get out, but it so happens I am writing such a musical and therefore am not at liberty to divulge any titles or lyrics. Have I ever had the chance to invest in a show, movie, etc. and didn’t and it turned out that the profit off the investment would have set me up with so much fish? Well, not a show or a film, no. But I did have a chance to own a third of Varese Sarabande (back in 1978) for $2500. I passed. Oh, well. Also, I was one of the first to know that eBay was going public, and I could have purchased shares for eighteen bucks. I happened to have had a good deal of cash lying around because at that time we’d just gotten paid for The Faculty. I’d never invested in any stock in my life, so I didn’t do it. Eight weeks later it was at over four hundred dollars a share. Now, the thing is, if I had bought it, I think I probably would have sold it when it hit twenty-five dollars – in other words, I wouldn’t have had the guts to hold out and see how far it went. Had I bought and had I had guts, I’d be a multi-millionaire today. What are my favorite rhymes from showtunes – I answered this earlier. What are some of my favorite movie quotes of all time? Most of the usual suspects. Perhaps my all-time favorite is from Ride The High Country (“All I want to do is enter my house justified”) but I also adore the whole “Chalice from the palace” bit from The Court Jester (actually that movie is one great quote fest – get it, got it, good), Casablanca has many of my favorite lines, and you can just run any Billy Wilder picture because no one writes more quotable dialogue than he and his various collaborators. Craig would like to know about the women behind Meltz and Ernest. I do think I mentioned them briefly – I’ll have to go back and look. Both were married for many years – but all that will be revealed very soon, I promise you. If I could create something that could make my life easier what would it be? A perpetual ATM machine from which I could endlessly withdraw cash whether I had money or not. That would be spiffy. What is my favorite kind of fruit? I’m not a fan of fruit, but I do enjoy various and sundried melons, and I enjoy cherries and red seedless grapes. What are my thoughts on Michel Legrand (who is finally going to have a show on Broadway – musical directed by our very own Todd Ellison)? I adore Michel Legrand (did you know I did an album of all Legrand material with Terry Trotter?), I think he’s a brilliant composer and his melodies are always surprising and sublime. I met him once, and he was charming and lovely and very down-to-earth. What was the last thing that made me laugh uncontrollably? Well, as I said earlier, Copacabana had me on the floor.

Tom from Oz asks what are my favorite Noel Coward songs, and have I discovered any more Ivor Novello songs since discovering them in Gosford Park. No to the latter question, although I’ve been listening to the Gosford Park soundtrack regularly. As to Noel Coward it would take too long a list, so I’ll just say If Love Were All is one of my all-time favorite songs, and I do adore the title song from Sail Away. I recorded the cast album of If Love Were All with Twiggy and Harry Groener and I did love all the songs in that show.

Well, dear readers, if your question came in too late for me to answer, please reask it again next week. For now, I must take the day, do the things I do, put on my Barry hair, my white tie and tails and sing Sweet Heaven. Today’s topic of discussion: What are your favorite Barry Manilow songs and when did you first become aware of him and, if you’re a fan, what song made you become one? I’ll start: I love all his early hits – but I especially love Weekend in New England by Randy Edelman, a beautiful song. But I became a Barry fan from his very first hit, Mandy. Your turn.