haines his way

08/18/2002:
"NOT FOR ALL THE TEA IN CHINA"

Well, dear readers, I have now rewritten this sentence at least four times and frankly I am rather bored with doing so, so this is the sentence we’re all going to have to live with because I shan’t rewrite it again, not even for all the tea in China. Not that all the tea in China is of any interest to me, as I find tea as boring as the first sentence. But I shan’t rewrite it again, not for all the tea in China nor all the coffee in Bombay. Well, perhaps today’s notes will be international in flavor – we’ve already mentioned far-off China and Bombay, perhaps we should put on our seven-league boots and travel to other exotic locales. Excuse me for just a moment.
No, I’m afraid we cannot travel to any more exotic locales because I only have a pair of fershluganah five-league boots, and everyone knows that unless you have seven-league boots you cannot travel to exotic locales. However, with my five-league boots I could travel to La Crescenta if I so chose. However, I choose to not so chose – or should it be I chose to not so choose – or should it be I chose to not so chews? I am suddenly adrift in a sea of choices, dear readers and all because I have five-league boots rather than seven-league boots.
Do you know that thus far we have only had one count them one guess to our handy-dandy trivia contest, and even that guess was missing one of the answers. Now, you trivia people must put on your thinking caps and do your research. I know there are difficult components to the question, but you wouldn’t want it too easy, would you?
Do you know that someone came to this here site and used our handy-dandy Unseemly Search box and tried to search “Jimmy Kimmel”? Damn them, damn them all to hell. Then someone else showed up, one of our regular searchers and searched for something else. I would have thought that our regular searchers were done with all this searching, but no, search they do, and that is fine because that is what our handy-dandy Unseemly Search box is for. People can search until the cows come home as far as I am concerned. In fact, I am going to search right now, because those fershluganah cows are still out. I am going to search “not for all the tea in China” and I’ll bet I get at least three hits (ALTH, in Internet lingo).
Well, why don’t we just all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can git along little doggies, or should that be little doughgies, or should that be little doughnuts? I feel these notes are becoming worthy of Mr. Eugene Ionesco.

I have now rewritten this sentence twice and I shan’t be rewriting it again, not for all the tea in China, nor for all the root beer in Glendale.
I had a lovely Italian dinner last night with cousin Alan and his lovely wife, Dee Dee. As we were leaving the restaurant I noticed my friend, Mr. Rob Bowers, sitting in a booth and I said hello to him. Mr. Bowers was my handy-dandy musical director on my musical comedy entitled Together Again, and he is an extremely talented fellow, and a very good songwriter as well. We spoke of many things, and he suggested we do a revue of my material. What would you dear readers think of that idea? A revue of my material would be splendid, would it not? I have wonderful material, such as cotton, silks and satins, satins and spurs, nylon tricot, wool, polyester, and tweed. I think a revue of that material would be wonderful, but I’d like to get your opinion on the matter.
Recently, several of my friends and acquaintances have told me about their experiences using an online dating service. Have any of you dear readers used such a contraption? I am fascinated by these things and I shall do a little nosing around the Internet today and I shall write of my findings, online dating service-wise, tomorrow. Wasn’t that a good tease? That’s like what they do on the news now – they tease, and then make you wait for the story. Well, I say phut to those news people, but I do not say phut to me.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must arrange to take possession of all the tea in China and all the Vernor’s in Vernon. I must get in my automobile and traverse the streets of my fair city, and then I must nose around the Internet (NATI, in Internet lingo) and see what I can find about online dating services. Today’s topic of discussion: Today is free-for-all day, so let’s see some interesting and fun topics, you Hainsies/Kimlets. We ended up with quite a fine number of interesting posts yesterday, and I did love hearing about your dreams, and I also loved all the dream songs we came up with, although I think somehow we missed one of the most obvious – I’ll See You in My Dreams. In any case, post away, my pretties.

Replies: 30 Unseemly Comments

Oops, I didn't see the note I'd written to myself. Here it is:
Dear BK:
Please wish dear reader Paul Fairie in far-off Canada a very special and very happy birthday today!
Well, quick, let us all put on our pointy party hats, break out the cheese slices and ham chunks, dance the Hora or at the very least do the Limbo, and have our various and sundried cakes and sweets.
On the count of three, dear readers, let us all wish Paul Fairie the happiest of happy birthdays - one, two, three
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR READER PAUL FAIRIE!
Posted by bk @ 08/18/2002 10:17 AM PST

don't forget that there will be a new Broadway Radio Show loaded this afternoon...we'll listen to a couple of new CD releases you may find of interest
in answer to BK's question, I have actually had some experiences with the online dating thing (I did it on a dare) and it was a real mixed bag.....there are some real flakes out there and some really nice people....I haven't met my one true love, but I have made several new friends
Posted by Donald Feltham @ 08/18/2002 10:24 AM PST

Oops, I didn't see this other note I'd written to myself. Here it is:
Dear BK:
Also don't forget to mention that while we're celebrating Mr. Paul Fairie's birthday, we must also celebrate the wedding of our very own Susan Gordon's daughter. She is marrying for love - it's an old-fashioned idea, marrying for love. In any case, let us all send our very good wishes for a happy and lovely wedding. Every time I type "wedding" it comes out "weeding" - but let's not go there.
Posted by bk @ 08/18/2002 10:58 AM PST

BK - I was going to save this until next Wednesday...maybe I'll still save the question... but since you mentioned it, while I was moving my LP's around the other day, I noticed I have a copy of "Together Again" still sealed from when I found it in a record store some 5 years ago. I'm working on getting my record player working again when I get it worked on, I promise to listen.
Does anyone else own any older BK material?
Speaking of BK material, I saw Mr Burt Bacharach and Ms Linda Eder in concert last night she, of course is fabulous, but not so fun to watch. BB was SO MUCH fun we all sang along and stuff, and all I could think of was getting home and putting on the VS Burt Bacharach CD. Ok, this is long. Have a great day. :)
Posted by Matthew @ 08/18/2002 12:20 PM PST

I wish Paul Fairie the happiest of birthdays, with many happy returns, not to mention many wonderful presents and warm wishes.
For those getting married or looking for dating services, or who are cool on dating services, never forget the immortal words of Irving Berlin:
"They say that falling in love is wonderful..."
And that is what it's all about. But just remember that it can't be love if his or her favorite restaurant makes you ill.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 08/18/2002 12:41 PM PST

Happy Birthday, Paul Fairie!!
We bought a VCR yesterday, and the girls had a ball choosing movies. Here's what two teenage girls chose from the video store: Harry Potter; Some Like it Hot; Big Top PeeWee (Terrence Mann is in it); West Side Story; Shall We Dance; and Emperor's New Groove.
Posted by Laura @ 08/18/2002 12:41 PM PST

Hello all!
I just loaded the new radio show, but I am getting an error message about a server problem. I have already emailed our wonderful Mr Bakalor. Hopefully, it will be fixed shortly.
Donald
Posted by Donald Feltham @ 08/18/2002 01:04 PM PST

The happiest of birthdays to Paul Fairie! Many more happy years to you! (By the way, how many years is it?)
The new radio is indeed successfully loaded, and it is quite interesting. Always fascinating to hear theatre music outside of a cast album setting.
I've got a topic of discussion: What is the most recent piece of theatre you've seen, and what did you think?
I'll go first: Last night I saw Avenue X, which is an a cappella, doo-wop musical about race relations. It is probably the best a cappella, doo-wop musical about race relations ever written. That, of course, doesn't say much. It was interesting music, and well performed. But the book-oy. The dialogue was cliched, the ending arbitrary, and the characters only occasionally rose to two dimensions. But, like everything these days, it got a standing ovation. I didn't participate.
Posted by Hapgood @ 08/18/2002 01:20 PM PST

Happy Birthday to Mr. Paul Fairie! And all good luck and best wishes to Ms. Susan Gordon's daughter on her wedding! Back with more later.
Posted by Ben @ 08/18/2002 01:30 PM PST

the radio show now seems to be working
Posted by Donald Feltham @ 08/18/2002 01:40 PM PST

Recent theatre...hmmm...
While not big-time theatre, the
most recent stuff I've seen is
the annual set of new one-acts
written by the theatre students
at my university. Once upon a
time I used to find one here
and there that I really found
quite good. But the last few
years, it's gotten to be a
somewhat painful display of
inept writing. Usually a
two-night affair of eight shows
total, six of which are usually
heavy-handed things, trying to
be edgy by hitting you over the
head with some "issue" or
another. There's always "the
eating disorder play," "the
AIDS play," "the death play,"
and "the gay play," plus a
couple others. Then usually
one thoroughly non-sensical
comedy that is only remotely
funny if you know all the
in-jokes of the theatre
department. Luckily, that does
leave room for one play that is
actually somewhat well
written, most often of the
romantic comedy genre.
Alright, with the fershluganah
column my Macintosh insists
on creating on this here site,
I've taken up more than
enough room here. Just had
to preserve my weekend
ginchiness.
Posted by Jed @ 08/18/2002 02:05 PM PST

Oops...and happy birthday,
Paul Fairie!
Posted by Jed @ 08/18/2002 02:06 PM PST

I'm here! I'm here! The Phantom of the Opera....
Hehe...just kidding. I mean, I am here, but I'm not the Phantom of the Opera...yet. (It's a guilty pleasure of mine). Anyway, thanks again to Tom from Oz for the gift. I'm enjoying it very much.
Someone asked me yesterday if I have "The Main Event" with Anthony and Olivia. I'm sad to say that I do not. I've seen it at Colony Records in Times Square and, like everything in Times Square, it is far beyond my price limit at this juncture. I'm sure it's fabulous, though, because I adore Anthony Warlow and who doesn't love Olivia Newton-John?
Hope you folks are having a great Sunday! Happy Birthday Mr. Paul Fairie and congrats to Susan Gordon's daughter and son-in-law on their marriage!
Posted by Jason @ 08/18/2002 02:12 PM PST

Happy Birthday Paul.
Must now reread the trivia question and try out my very limited resources for possible answers.
I usually have no idea at all but the research gives me some good connections and rememberences to Cds I have not played for ages. Jason I think my sister has a copy of The Main Event (I don't like Farnham much) so will check it out and send it if possible. Why pay those prices.Francois I assume you have all the Warlow CDs but let me know if I can help with anything on those lines.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 08/18/2002 03:29 PM PST

Speaking of La Crescenta, did you know that for many years it was the home of an extremely lovely (I'm sure) sanitarium where SAG sent all its crazy members for R&R. My favorite golden era actress spent several months there in 1943 before simply walking away from the grounds one day. These SAG-sponsored sanitariums--no discipline, I tell you!
Posted by JMK @ 08/18/2002 04:33 PM PST

My greatest thanks for all of your warm wishes. I do prefer warm mushrooms, but that's beside the point. For those of you keeping score at home, that's the big 2-0 for me. (Watching all of you as you shake your collective heads).
The best of wishes to our very own (OVO in internet lingo) Susan Gordon's daughter. What a wonderful day for a wedding! Now, other than the birthdays of three important people: Robert Redford, Christian Slater and myself, we can add Susan Gordon's daughter's wedding to the list of things to which we must dance the hora (have yet to get round to eating ham chunks, though I have been enjoying cheese slices in abundance).
Thanks again!
Posted by Paul Fairie @ 08/18/2002 05:23 PM PST

Paul,
Happy, happy birthday! Time for cake and ice cream (after the ham chunks and cheese slices, of course).
Posted by Kerry @ 08/18/2002 06:22 PM PST

My most very recent theatre was Hairspray, and it was a hoot! Previous to that I saw Night Music in DC. Parts of it were wonderful (it's one of my favorite scores) and overall it was a very good production with weak spots but the fabulous Randy Graff was a greatl Charlotte. Last month I saw Twelfth Night in Central Park. Better than the reviews but nothing to write home about. Before that I saw the sublime and marvelous Barbara Cook do her Mostly Sondheim piece at Lincoln Center. In June I saw one of the Selected Shorts readings here in NYC (actors, and sometimes writers, read short stories at a theatre on the Upper West Side, it's a wonderful experience and if your public radio station carries the broadcasts, give it a listen). It's not technically theatre, but it's a performance nonetheless. In May I saw a production of Free to Be...You and Me by the dynamic and quite wonderful theatre company The Drama Department and before that I saw Sweet Smell of Success. I know it was talked about in previous columns. I actually didn't hate it. Many of the posts about it were quite emphatic about what was wrong. It sure had problems but I guess I was expecting a train wreck based on the reviews and it wasn't that. Well, that goes back a few months for theatre experiences and this is getting long and it's getting late. Since I have to have a root canal at 8:30 tomorrow morning, I'm going to sign off now and go to bed!
Posted by Ben @ 08/18/2002 07:01 PM PST

My last theater experience was to the local theater for a staged reading of a new play. Sandra and I went with Dear Reader Kerry and his partner, followed by a trip to a 50's diner for ice cream and cheesecake.
Posted by Laura @ 08/18/2002 07:16 PM PST

Would someone kindly share what "The Main Event" is all about? I haven't heard of it...yet...except very spare references to it here.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 08/18/2002 08:28 PM PST

Happy Birthday, Paul! you ole fellow Leo, you!
Do we have a plethora of Leos here, or what?
Ham chunks! Cheese slices! Let's all make a lot of party noises and sing party songs:
Party lights
Is there anybody here tonight?
Doesn't anybody have a light?
I invite your party life.
Party lights
Champagne and caviar
Cocaine and Shalimar
Don't push too far
Your party lights
People tell me that I'm fading fast
but I can't last the whole night through,
Everybody now it's closing time
I can't find my way to you.
Don't lose your head
Remember all those things your mama said
but ev'ry vampire here appears well-fed
You look half-dead
They like you, kid!
Janis Ian, "Party Lights"
@1976, MINIE MUSIC LTD.
Well, there's always Leslie Gore's:
"It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to..."
(Does anyone else recall that there was a *sequel* to "It's My Party?"
Posted by td @ 08/18/2002 08:52 PM PST

td--
Of course! "It's Judy's Turn to Cry" ('cause now Johnny's come back to me)
And to honor Hapgood's suggested topic, my last theatre experience was as Laura described. It was a reading of a new play "Bunny and Bird." We had a very nice time. The experience before that was "2 Pianos, 4 Hands" which was quite brilliant. Two extremely talented actors who happened to also be great musicians or two great actors who happen to be extremely talented musicians.
And all you people talking about "Hairspray" and "A Little Night Music" as being your last experiences make me sick! No, I love you. But take me with you next time!
Posted by Kerry @ 08/18/2002 09:31 PM PST

Did I mention that I saw Hairspray for the SECOND time last Weds. night and that I'm going to DC this weekend to see ALL THREE of the shows there? Hehehe...I'm evil, aren't I?
Posted by Jason @ 08/18/2002 09:44 PM PST

Jason, you should be spanked!
Posted by Kerry @ 08/18/2002 09:51 PM PST

Thank you one and all and all and one for your kind wishes of congratulations on the occasion of my daughter's wedding today. (Oh, my! Today is already tomorrow, so the wedding was actually yesterday!) It was a very festive occasion, indeed, with lots of food and dancing, as well as lots of dancing and food. And, although I didn't wear a pointy party hat, I was quite in the festive mood and danced the night away. After all, it's not every day that your eldest daughter gets married. But of course, I also cried at the ceremony. (After all, it's not every day that your eldest daughter gets married.) That said, I shall take my aching feet to bed and wish you all to know such happiness from your children.
Posted by Susan Gordon @ 08/18/2002 09:52 PM PST

p.s. Happy Birthday, Paul!
:-)
Posted by Susan Gordon @ 08/18/2002 09:54 PM PST

The Main Event: A concert staged in Melbourne Australia with Australia favourite performers Olivia Newton John (She may have been born in England but she was brought up here), John Farnham (Also English born but Oz raised - best known in USA for his recordings with The Little River Band) and Anthony Warlow. These three would be the most popular perfomers in Australia with a wide age range in their devotees. Every Grandmother loves John and Olivia. Farnham would probably be Australia's biggest selling pop star(in terms of Australian sales). His first recording was in 1968. His every album sells well - even without radio promotion.
Kerry. Jason may even like being spanked. Who knows these days.
At least you get shows in Phoenix. We have Oliver to look forward to and, Witches Of Eastwick which is really not that good musically thought the cast in London was terrific.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 08/19/2002 12:25 AM PST

Late again, as usual. But my 2 ¢ worth may be worth a penny or two:
Paul Fairie:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND MY FAVORITE THE PRISONER EPISODE ("MANY HAPPY RETURNS")
SUSAN GORDON:
[from 3¢ Opera]
TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!
YAY!
HOORAY!
And since my Joe and I are living like shut-ins (but love our home), I think the last live theatre we saw was Gypsy with Betty Buckley at the Papermill Playhouse in New Jersey. Ah me! Well I for one thought La Buckley was terrific, and Debby Gibson wasn't a bad Louise either.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 08/19/2002 05:56 AM PST

What...me? Being spanked? I'll have to get back to you on that one.
I hate to say it, but I am sick. Yes, dear readers, it's true. I have a cold, I do believe. Now, normally that would just kind of suck, but this particular week it really sucks because 1) I have an audition tomorrow for a very important workshop and 2) I'm going to Washington, D.C. on Friday morning to the Sondheim Festival. I have so much phlegm on my vocal cords right now that I'm not sure I can even speak, let alone sing, so this could cause major issues in the audition. What to do? Luckily, the musical director used to be my accompanist and the director is a good friend of mine. I hope they'll take pity on me and remember that they do know what I can do vocally and theatrically. We shall see, I suppose.
Tom from Oz: Thanks for the info on "The Main Event." I'd love a copy of it, but I really think I should give you something as far as postage goes, at the very least.
I haven't heard Witches of Eastwick. I've heard mixed things... Does anyone know anything about the musical Which Witch? I've seen that there's a video available, but I don't know what it's about. Anyway...I'm rambling, so I'll end this for now. Ta-ta!
Posted by Jason @ 08/19/2002 06:02 AM PST

William: Did you ever get your copy of Poop: The Musical!?
Posted by Jason @ 08/19/2002 06:37 AM PST

Ask BK: Got a question? Ask Bruce Kimmel...

© Copyright 2001-2003 Bruce Kimmel.
All Rights Reserved. Site design by hijinks design.