Well, dear readers, this is one of those days when I am having trouble figuring out how to begin these here notes. I hate when that happens, because I just sit here and type meaningless words in meaningless sentences, which end up in meaningless paragraphs. Rather like this one that you’re reading right now.

Now we’re off and running. I just needed a jump start, I just needed a kick in the pants (or pant), I just needed a prod from an electronic device, I just needed some get up and go, some verve, some pick-me-up. And now, I am speeding down the highway of these here notes, I have exceeded the speed limit of these here notes, and soon I shall be pulled over by the Note Patrol and they will slap my hand and give me a warning to slow down. What the hell am I talking about?

You’ll be happy to know that I have answered all your excellent questions and I do hope that some of the answers are interesting to you.

Last night I watched a DVD of a motion picture entitled Hopscotch, a film of Ronald Neame, starring Walter Matthau and Glenda Jackson. It is mildly entertaining, and Walter and Glenda and the rest of the players do a very nice job. The odd thing is that it’s been released by Criterion, which tends to do classic films of some sort or another. A classic Hopscotch is not. A great film Hopscotch is not. In the introduction to the film, Mr. Neame says he turned down the script four times because he didn’t think it good enough. He was right to do so, and even though he rather likes it now, it’s still a comedy thriller with not enough comedy and not enough thrills (think North by Northwest for a exemplary comedy thriller). It does have its moments, but you just never take the villain very seriously, you never take the threats to the hero seriously, and the whole thing kind of just moseys along to its conclusion. Part of the problem is the decision to score the film using Mozart music. A terrible decision, in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo) as it just robs the film of tension and drama and any kind of forward momentum. The times its used as source music, those are fine. A few of the supporting characters bear names like Follet and Ludlum, so you know that the writer tongue is firmly in cheek.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Shouldn’t we all just click on the Unseemly Button below so we can get on with it?

Well, we are really off and running now, we have hit the ground running, we are running at warp speed. Well, shall we get to the answers? We shall.

Kerry asks what was Paul Lynde like to work with? I’ve read and heard the stuff about him being vicious when drinking, but I guess I didn’t see that side of him, because he was very nice to both Cindy Williams and myself. He was sweet, he was funny, and he was self-effacing. So, I liked him. Did I ever own a pair of Angel Flights. No, I didn’t, but if you know where I can get a pair I’ll be happy to try them out (they are pants, or is that pant). Is there any connection between I Want to Eat Your Face and Let ‘Em Eat Cake? Is it a food thing or sex thing? Well, it depends on your point of view. The songs are open to a multitude of interpretations and also a multitude of Amys. Who does the great guitar work on the instrumental selections on the CD of TFNM? That would be my pal Grant Geissman, who has played on most of the albums I’ve produced. We’ve also done a few solo albums together – a Broadway songbook (from 96/97 season, I think), two filmmusic albums, Cinema Romance and Out at the Movies, and a Burt Bacharach instrumental album that’s great. Finally, Kerry wants to know if when I sang for the Creature in The Creature Wasn’t Nice (aka Spaceship, aka Naked Space) if I was consciously doing a Frankie Laine impression. Not really. I thought I was doing Sinatra.

Ron Pulliam asks if Mr. Mark Bakalor and I could put our heads together and put up some video clips of my various and sundried appearances. We have been discussing it for some time, but putting one’s head together with Mr. Mark Bakalor is difficult because he’s always off hither and thither – he was supposed to have Nudie Musical clips up by now but as you know, they are not up by now. He’s trying, and figuring out how it all will work. When that is done, then I can send him some DVDs of my appearances (he has to use digital media). I will, of course, keep you posted. Do I have a garden – and do I actually have a yard or do I share grounds with others? I have rose bushes everywhere, and an orange tree, but not a proper garden. I’m in a house, so I have my own yard, which I share with the singing bird. What kind of car do I drive? I drive an Infiniti I30 which I like very much. What, in my opinion, is the best Broadway cast album ever produced? That’s a toughie, but I think I’d have to choose Gypsy – it’s just about perfect in every way. I do prefer it before Mr. Thomas Z. Shepard tried to “improve” Mr. Lieberson’s brilliance.

William E. Lurie asks if there are any performers I’ve seen who I really liked in person but who I didn’t care for on disc, film or television. Well, Miss Ethel Merman has never really worked for me on film, but when I saw her do Call Me Madam her in LA in the 60s, she was amazing, brilliant, hilarious, electrifying and utterly astonishing. Tammy Grimes is awful on film and television but great in the theater (and I even like her on record). I’m sure there are other examples too, and if I think of them I shall come back to the question.

Jed wonders what I think of Greek food. I should probably give it another chance, but like with Indian food, I had a not so wonderful experience the first time I ate Greek food. Plus I don’t like Fetid Cheese or Feta Cheese or whatever the hell they call it. Jed also wonders if I was involved in high school theatricals. Yes, from the time I entered high school I was in the drama class all three years (my junior high didn’t have a drama class). My teacher didn’t know from musicals, unfortunately (today my high school is a magnet school for the arts, and they do wonderful musical productions there). So, I did plays like The Crucible (Judge Hathorne), The Glass Menagerie (Tom), The World of Sholom Alecheim (can’t even remember who I played – the father), Fumed Oak, and other things like that. However, with choir I got to sing quite a bit, and was also the narrator for Manhattan Tower, a piece I adore by Gordon Jenkins. If I were to learn another instrument besides piano, what would it be? I took guitar lessons as a kid, but didn’t love that. Actually, I don’t know that there is another instrument I’d be interested in learning.
Finally, do I sleep on my back, stomach or side? Well, I never sleep on my back. Mostly on my side, sometimes on my stomach.

Tom from Oz asks where and what was I doing at eighteen. I don’t remember how I celebrated my eighteenth birthday, really. But I was going to Los Angeles City College, I was doing plays, I was being a bit wild and running around, like Cassie, and I was living in one of the twelve different apartments I lived in. Did I watch The Micky Mouse Club when I was young? I watched it all the time. Who was my favorite Mousketeer? I seemed to recall thinking Karen was awfully cute. Which segments did I like the most? Well, Spin and Marty (that was a segment, right?), and anything where they were singing – also, I liked Jimmy very much. What are my thoughts on Karen Akers as a singer/actress? I enjoyed her in Grand Hotel, which is all I’ve ever seen her in. I find her CD work not so great, but that’s just me.

George asks are there any stage musicals that are bad to just okay that I think could be made better by filming. Well, sure, if they could take a mediocre musical that had a good score and a good story, I’m sure they could fix the things that were wrong with it and make it filmic and work just fine. I think there could have been good movies (in the old-fashioned sense) from The Happy Time and from Greenwillow – they were both not workable on stage, but I think there’s enough in each of those properties that’s fixable and I think they both would have been cinematically interesting. What do I think about Christine Baranski being cast as Mary Sunshine in the film of Chicago. I suppose they thought the conceit of that role on stage might not play for filmgoers. I like Miss Baranski, and I’m sure she’ll be peachy.

Michael Shayne has noticed that on DVDs from 20th Century Fox, a blurb appears before the menu saying that “the views expressed in the interviews and commentary are solely those of the individuals providing them and do not reflect the opinions of 20th Century Fox” etc. Why do I think they are doing that and do I agree with it? Because sadly we live in a world where people like to sue each other for no reason whatsoever. So, Fox takes the precaution – so that someone who takes offense at something someone on a commentary track talks about can’t go after Fox. I’m pretty certain that all studios will follow suit, even though it’s pretty clear that the people doing the speaking are speaking for themselves. The legal system in this country is fairly appalling in many ways. Take it from someone who knows from appalling. Is Guy Haines from the Jewish faith and will he have an ad on JDate? I believe Mr. Haines does not practice any religion – he is spiritual in that tennis sort of way. I don’t think he would place an ad with JDate because who would go out with him? He’s always singing and hitting balls. What is a typical BK day, after I’ve written these here notes? Well, each day is its own – but I always have things to do, places to go, people to see, projects to bring to fruition. There are rarely enough hours in the day. How does a person on JDate figure out who is straight, gay, bi, pan or omni sexual? I think there are categories for all the major types: Men seeking women, women seeking men, men seeking men, women seeking women, men seeking goats, women seeking pans. I was going to put myself in the pan category, because I wish to meet a skillet, or perhaps a tureen. Who is the official photographer here at haineshisway.com. There is no one official photographer – we mix and match and then when we grow tired of that we match and mix. Have I ever been featured in those Whatever Happened To (WEHT, in Internet lingo) books? I don’t think so.

Kenneth Loging would like to know if and when I begin producing new albums, do I plan on doing more pop singer-songwriter collections (ala Bacharach and Paul Simon) sung by Broadway stars. First of all, there is no “if”, only “when”. Before the Simon album happened (I was talked into doing it and should have said “no”) I was going to do Randy Newman, and would still like to do that. In fact, I’d already done the arrangements on a half-dozen songs, so it’s actually pretty far along. Would I consider an album where some of my regular recording artist would pick their own favorite non-theater song to record? I’m not sure such an album would have any commercial value, but it would be fun to do.

Hapgood asks what is my opinion of films shot with digital video, rather than film? I’ve seen a few things that look pretty good. There’s something not quite right still, that “film” feel or look, and I miss that in those digital productions. Still, for low budget endeavors, it’s great, and is very cost-effective. Since I am now trying an Internet dating service and since I’ve mentioned a failed marriage, when was my last serious relationship and who was the person? Well, first of all, I’m not really trying an Internet dating service – I did the profile thing as a lark, at the behest of someone who’s been doing JDate. I tried to write the profile in such a way that no one would respond to it, and so far I’ve been wildly successful in that regard. I haven’t had a “serious” relationship in quite some time. I had a four year relationship in the early to mid-eighties with a very nice person with whom I’m still in touch and who I still occasionally work with. After that, somewhere in the late eighties, I think, I had a two-year thing with someone who turned out to be just a wee bit certifiable. Otherwise, I’ve dated on and off and off and on. My, that was refreshingly honest, wasn’t it? I hold nothing back from you, dear readers. Will there ever be an Ask Guy Haines day or an Ask Dear Reader day, as has been promised. Yes, we shall make next Wednesday our first Ask Guy Haines day. As to Ask Dear Reader day, I think it’s more fun to just post the stuff as it comes up.

S. Woody White asks if I could remind our dear readers again of the address for the booksigning and reading on Saturday. And is there loads of parking in city lots located on the street one block east of Brand Blvd. Why, yes I can: It’s at Bookfellows (aka Mystery and Imagination), 238 No. Brand Blvd. Glendale, CA 91203. There is plenty of parking on the street you mention, plus scads of street parking. The phone number there is 818 545-0206.

Craig got his usual plethora of questions in just in the nick of time. Have I seen our very own Kerry Butler’s new Hairspray photo page? No, I have not, but why don’t we all go to www.kerrybutler.net and see. What, if any, is my favorite James Bond movie? Who was my favorite James Bond and why? A tie between From Russia With Love and Goldfinger – the two quintessential Bonds, in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo). Sean Connery – because he was the first and the only (except for Barry Nelson in the tv Casino Royale). What was the last movie I saw in a theater? Last in a real theater: Minority Report at the Cinerama Dome. But after that I saw the two Michael Apted documentaries at the DGA, which is as good as any theater anywhere. How do I like things toasted? Lightly. Do I like Black and White cookies and where is the best place in LA to get them. I haven’t eaten cookies in quite a long time, and I’ve never heard of these, hence I have no idea where to get them in this or any other city. What films do I think have the best cinematography? Well, The Magnificent Ambersons (with the exception of the horrid reshoots – Stanley Cortez), Vertigo and Rear Window (Robert Burks), The Searchers (Winton Hoch), Chinatown (John Alonzo), Rosemary’s Baby (William Fraker) and on and on. What’s the best score to the worst movie? The Blue Max by Jerry Goldsmith – a great score, a big old bore of a movie. Best score to the worst show? Well, I always say Smile. The worst score to the best movie? Many candidates – The Black Stallion could have gone to a whole other level with a great score. Worst score to the best show? I’m not sure that works, or at least I can’t think of any. Who invented liquid soap? Mr. Herbert J. Kronk, who one day was looking at a bar of soap and thought, “If I were in a bar this bar of soap should be liquid.” And the rest is history.

Megan, the birthday girl, asks what the best birthday present I ever received was. Well, I’m not that big on presents, but I got taken to Vegas for my 40th birthday – all expenses paid, gambling money, the whole thing. That was great.

Dennis Clancy notes that I went to New York when I was twenty, to be an actor. Did I appear in anything there and if so, what? The only actor thing I did beside audition was doing one show in stock in New Jersey at Lake Swananowa or however you spell it. I did Stop the World – I Want To Get Off there and had quite a good time. However my best memory of doing the show there was that we stopped rehearsals to watch the moon landing. What was my first professional job of any kind in the business? The first paid acting job I had was in 1966, doing a little weird tour of a play called Do You Know the Milky Way? all over these United States, for three months. It didn’t pay much, but it paid. My first professional television work was guest-starring on a Paramount show called The Young Lawyers, in December of 1970. Among the men I’ve worked with, who have I enjoyed the most and who has been not so enjoyable. I don’t know that I’ve worked with any men who were not a pleasure, actually. Oooh, I lie – there was one fellow on a studio cast album that I didn’t really care for, but I’ll be nice and not name him. He hasn’t worked much since then, so there you are. I’ve really enjoyed working with Brent Barrett, Jason Graae, David Garrison, Ron Raines, Lou Diamond Philips, and most of the rest.

Matthew asks in addition to my musical Together Again, did I write/record any other of my shows and what is the possibility of releasing them on CD. Varese recorded my show, Stages. Unfortunately, the 24 track master tapes are missing, and I’d want to remix it if I put it on CD. We do, however, have the album masters, so I suppose I could try to clean that up and maybe put out a two-fer of Stages and Together Again. Varese would have to give me the okay about Stages – Together Again would be no problem. I suppose I could sell the CD right here at haineshisway.com.

Jason presents me a poll they were taking on CNN.com today. Would I eat meat from a cloned animal? Absolutely not – after all, I don’t know the cloned animal, why should I accept meat from it? Or anything else, for that matter. And why is the cloned animal trying to give me this meat, that’s what I’d like to know. Would I eat ham chunks from a cloned pig? No, but I would eat a cloned pig from ham chunks. Would I eat cheese slices from the milk of a cloned cow? Cheese Slices From the Milk of a Cloned Cow. That sounds like a Tennessee Williams play. I would not eat cheese slices from the milk of a cloned cow because our cheese slices must be made from only processed cows.

Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must be off and running, I must get in my automobile and tour the nooks and crannies of this fair city. Today’s topic of discussion: I have produced many albums, which many of you own or have heard. What is your favorite and why? I’ve already spoken of these things occasionally, so I’ll simply turn the floor over to you. Have you ever turned the floor over? I’m not sure the other side of the floor is so nice to look at. Perhaps we shall just leave the fershluganah floor as it is. Post away, my pretties.