haines his way

08/24/2002:
"THE DIRECTOR'S NIGHTMARE"

Well, dear readers, today is the handy-dandy book signing and reading and I am looking forward to it. I will, of course, have a full report for you tomorrow.
Last night I dreamed I was at Manderley.
This dream was a variation on the actor’s nightmare dream. It was a director’s nightmare dream. It was actually somewhat confusing because it kept switching locations willy-nilly and also nilly-willy. We were doing the upcoming Tourette’s Syndrome benefit in New York. At about forty-five minutes before curtain I realized I hadn’t set half the performers, hadn’t cast them. I also realized we’d never had a run-through and none of the performers who were set had been told which side of the stage they’d be entering and exiting from. That was part of it. The other part is that we were auditioning people but they were auditioning in a fully-staged benefit for us. Amongst the auditioners was Mr. Ron Jeremy, one of the ugliest sorriest-looking individuals ever put on earth. He is also quite a famous porno actor. His audition consisted of dropping his pants and chasing people around the stage, which he did to music with some nifty choreography. I kept telling everyone around me not to watch such things, that I had no intenetion of using Mr. Ron Jeremy in the show. Afterwards, he came out to the audience to sit down, and he tried to sit next to David Wechter, but David wouldn’t let him sit next to him and pointed to an empty seat several rows down, on the aisle. Then we were back at the theater, forty-five minutes before the show. I was trying to tell the stage manager I hadn’t told anyone what side they were entering from, and I asked her to tell what performers I had cast to just do the opposite from whoever was before them. Then I woke up.
Wasn’t that an exciting dream? Wasn’t that just too too? Now, I’d like to know one thing: Just what in tarnation was Mr. Ron Jeremy doing in my fershluganah dream. I have not thought about Mr. Ron Jeremy ever, nor have I even seen a reference to Mr. Ron Jeremy in many years. Well, there is no explaining the subconscious mind and if there is I don’t wish to know about it.
Last night I also went to dinner with Miss Susan Gordon and two of our high school chums who are now and have been for years married, Jane and Keith Lassner. We went to a legendary LA Mexican restaurnant called El Cholo, located on Western south of Olympic. The food was actually a bit disappointing – the last time I was there, ten years ago, it was amazing. We did have fun, though, and told all the old stories that we always tell whenever we all see each other.
Well, perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button below because the cleaning lady will be here soon to give me the evil eye, plus we have a brand spanking new Unseemly Trivia Contest question, too.

Don’t forget, there will be a brand spanking new radio show up tomorrow, and I’m quite certain it will be wonderful, Mr. Donald Feltham is quite clever and always comes up with an entertaining hour for our mental delectation.
Tonight I will be attending the party being given in honor of those actors and writers who are attending The Twilight Zone memorabilia show. It says we must wear formal. May I just tell you that I will not only not be wearing formal, they will be lucky if I wear a sport coat. I have no problem wearing slacks and a nice shirt, but black tie I don’t own, suit is a little snug right now and besides why should I be uncomfortable? I simply do not like strangers telling me how to dress, damn them, damn them all to hell. So, we shall see if they make a stink or if they let me in. If they make a stink then I shall make a stink as well, and then the joint will be smelly as all get-out and then where will we all be? In a smelly joint, that’s where, but not in a black tie. I wonder if Mr. Ron Jeremy will be there.
Well, here is this week’s Unseemly Trivia Contest question, for your mental delectation:
One hugely unsuccessful musical that featured two successful stars, also featured three kids in the show, two of whom would go on to illustrious careers, and one of whom would go on to a less-illustrious but still nice career. One of the kids would go on to star in a hugely successful Broadway musical, one of the kids would go on to star in a hugely successful film, which in turn spawned a successful television program and the third kid would go on to do the road company of a hugely successful musical, playing a leading role with an incredibly show-stopping powerhouse musical number.
Name the flop musical.
Name the two successful stars of the flop musical.
Name the three kids and the shows and/or film referenced for each.
Now, if for some reason, there turns out to be another set of answers wholly different from the ones I’m thinking of, and if they all work in every way for this week’s question, I will give credit for those answers. I don’t think that will happen, but then again, stranger things have happened with these fershluganah trivia questions. Remember, DO NOT POST YOUR ANSWERS TO THE SITE – send them to me at bruce@haineshisway.com or by simply using the unseemly Ask BK button located on our home page.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must prepare myself for the signing and the reading, not necessarily in that order. I must leave my home because the cleaning lady will give me the evil eye if I don’t. I do hope to see at least one or two of our dear readers or lurkers at the event. If not, you will not get to partake of Miss Cissy Wechter’s famous chocolate bundt cake and won’t that be a kick in the pants (or pant)? Hopefully, Mr. Ron Jeremy will not be there. Today’s topic of discussion: What is your favorite board game? I’ll start – Scrabble and Monopoly. Have we done this topic? I can’t even remember anymore – if we have let’s do it again, or just talk about whatever you like. Post away, my pretties.

Replies: 25 Unseemly Comments

Well, here I am at home with my handy dandy home computer -- the only one I have that has access to Haines His Way. Thank goodness for Saturdays.
So Miss Bi-Coastal Susan Gordon is on that OTHER coast today. Doesn't she get around. So cosmopolitan, eh what?
Gee, BK, I don't know what my favorite board game is now that you've taken Monopoly and Scrabble. Oh, heck, I'll take them, too, but let's not fight over the board.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 08/24/2002 10:54 AM PST

Speaking of nightmares, we have been living one for the past two days--our six year old son was hit by a car in a totally freak and inexcusable incident. A woman decided to teach her illegal immigrant friend how to drive a car in a public park, where we just happened to be having a big picnic for a choral group I direct! This woman, who had never been behind the wheel of a car before, floored the gas, put the car in drive, and completely lost control, jumping the curb, taking out the cement barriers that were there to keep people from driving on the grass, hitting my son, then crashing into the forested part of the park. We have just returned home after two days in the trauma unit/ER and pediatric ward. Gabriel should be fine, though he is a walking abrasion, covered with cuts and bruises everywhere. I personally am in need of some major tranquilizers, as I was standing a few feet away from him when this happened, and I can tell you there is nothing worse than seeing your child hit by a speeding vehicle, especially when your kid is in a supposedly "safe" environment--the grassy hills of a public park. So could all you Hainsies/Kimlets send strong healing vibes to this kid who did not cry one whimper during the whole ordeal. And if any of you are Prozac salespeople, send some my way. :)
Posted by JMK @ 08/24/2002 11:25 AM PST

let's not fight over the board,
say I since I'm chairman
of.....the board....or, rather, the
bored, today!!
Well, well, well ( Yes, Virginia,
tha's 3 wells ! ) so much traffic
on this site that I'd better use
the pedestrian crossing.
I HATE board games !! I
always lose !!! and , I admit, i
like meat... I mean, i'm a bad
loser, doctor Dolittle !
Posted by François @ 08/24/2002 11:48 AM PST

JMK,
I hurt for you and your son,
sincerely.
The world is really full of idiots.
In two days, here in France,
we've had teenagers driving
powerful cars and killing
others teens who were
minding their own business,
walking by.
Insane and crazy world ! How
sad !
Posted by François @ 08/24/2002 11:53 AM PST

JMK - As the parent of a 10 year old, in a small village with narrow streets, I certainly relate to your story. Places that we probably considered safe in our youth just aren't so anymore. Sounds like Gabriel isn't the only one in need of healing. A speedy recovery to you both ( and to Mom!)
Saw "Thorougly Modern Millie" on Thursday night (won a pair of seats from BMG. Due to my wife's vision problems, we got 5th row center next to Donna Hanover Giuliani and her daughter). A fun time, with a witty G&S patter style number ("The Speed Test") that was even faster and more intelligible than on the OCR. Sutton Foster (Millie) was great, and Gavin Creel (Jimmy) has a future too. Harriet Harris (Ms. Meers) stole the show, and was truly deserving of her Tony. Marc Kudisch was OK, great voice with good looks, but seems very uncomfortable on stage. Doesn't strike me as a matinee idol type (not yet at least).
TOF (that's all folks). A nice weekend to one and all!
Posted by Phil @ 08/24/2002 11:56 AM PST

Sending good vibes to Gabriel -- and to JMK and Mrs. JMK. Praise God he wasn't hurt worse or killed!
Board games? I'm too stupid for them. On New Year's Eve at the church New Year's Eve party, I do enjoy those "holler out loud" games like Outburst, etc.
Posted by Laura @ 08/24/2002 12:08 PM PST

JMK: You will have ALL the good vibes I can emit the entire weekend!
BK: I believe we did a variation on Scrabble and Monopoly at one point in the past couple of months. You have the Franklin Mint "Scrabble" game which you found on eBay. I have the Franklin Mint "Monopoly" which I refuse to allow anyone to play with!
BK: I don't know what it is. Ron Jeremy is so "over"...but his name keeps popping up. Why, I don't know. He certainly hasn't troubled himself with personal upkeep...he was well on his way toward sloth back in the early 80s. I think there's a subliminal plot to get him back into the public consciousness and you've been drafted to assist!
In the WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE Department: A local (Bay Area) grandmother, 46 years old, has been charged with criminal neglect in the death of her 8-week-old grandson. She obtained legal custody of him two weeks ago. On Thursday, she got him out of bed, dressed him, put him in his car seat and set off for day care and work. Only she forgot -- totally-- about day care. She parked her car in her company's lot and worked all day. When she got off, she found her grandson dead in his car seat. She was reported to have been "heartbroken."
First, that she is allowed to breathe the same oxygen the rest of us do ought to be a crime.
Second, it's important to know that Thursday was not a hot day. Temperature in the car probably didn't get up to 85 degrees, although for an 8-week-old baby, that's plenty hot enough. Lack of food/water and a baby's propensity for spitting up all may have contributed.
I'm sick to death of hearing/reading about these things. It breaks MY heart to know there are such people out there.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 08/24/2002 12:25 PM PST

Ron,
same thing here, a week or
two ! Don't have details, but a
baby was left all day long in a
car, and died ! The mother
thought the father was taking
care of the baby, and vice
versa !.....
Well, I sure cannot praise God
for what He doesn't do ;
preventing such horrendous
things from happening .
But then, I don't believe in God,
and I know it's reciprocate....
Humans are only humans and
can be so weird at times....
That's why I hate reading
newspapers or whatching the
news ; it makes me hate
"humans" and myself !!
Stupid White Men ! Long live
Michael Moore.... and let's
hope Gabriel is not hurting too
much......
Posted by François @ 08/24/2002 12:40 PM PST

Just heading over to the signing, but wanted to send a big haineshisway.com wish to JMK, Mrs. JMK, and little Gabriel for a SPEEDY recovery. I've spoken of how nasty it is out there in the real world, and how we can only hope and pray that karma will find its way to the peckerheads.
I thought board games may have sounded familiar, but I was in a hurry because the cleaning lady had arrived and was giving me the evil eye. So, we can change the topic to - what is your favorite gambling game? I'll start: Poker, first and foremost. Then, I do enjoy the silly slots every now and then, if one considers that a gambling game. I like playing Gin Rummy for money and I'm beginning to like craps in Vegas. Your turn.
Posted by bk @ 08/24/2002 01:26 PM PST

Special thoughts to Gabriel from OZ.
I know nought about gambling! I'll stick to playing spider solitaire on this computer. (A change from Free Cell). Do have some memories of a few wines and laughs with Cluedo when I was much much younger. Miss Scarlett in the Billard Room doing who knows what with a candlestick. I think Professor Plum may have been involved(or perhaps he was doing strange things in the Kitchen with the Rev Green with a piece of rope or a spanner)
Missing. Where is the lovely Delores (nee Lolita)?
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 08/24/2002 03:16 PM PST

Gambling: Super Lotto
Games: Was addicted to Spider Solitaire (level 1), then moved on to Free Cell thanks to a folk or two on this board.
I like playing regular solitaire with cards, but it seems so...solitary.
I like crossword puzzles -- the NY Times variety, in ink!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 08/24/2002 05:31 PM PST

Fav: Board
Just finished listening to Beyond Therapy sooooo funny! I recommend it.
Plan to go on and listen to two mor BK produced Cds. Once Upon a Time in the Cinema and Themes From Saturday Night Fever.
And yes I am pitiful. Home alone on a Saturday Night listening to music. And not even reading the Sunday Times!
Posted by Michael Shayne. @ 08/24/2002 05:33 PM PST

Oh my I just read the other notes!
JMK: My god! My good thoughts go out to you tonight!
Meant to say Fav board game: Scrabble. But haven't played it in a long time. Can never find anyone to play with.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 08/24/2002 05:54 PM PST

Glad you liked Beyond Therapy. It was grand fun to produce it.
Just back from the signing - small but fun turnout (I'm told that author signings are drawing few people these days - they told me there was one for Donald Westlake, wonderful and hugely successful author, recently and that five people showed up. I read seven short passages from the book, and there was nice reaction and laughter. Our very own S. Woody White and his beloved der Brucer were there, and yes, Virginia, they had cheese slices. We sold a nice number of both hard and softcover, and Cissy's bundt cake was loved by all who had it. Next signing will be end of September at Dutton's in Brentwood - that one will be very well attended, I know that even now. I'll post details as we get closer to it.
I came home and thought I would see twenty posts - so let's get busy here, you Hainsies/Kimlets. It's nearing end of month and we need a big push if we are to best our best month of July.
Posted by bk @ 08/24/2002 05:57 PM PST

Allan ? Hey, Allan ? Are you
here ?
Are you going to see and hear
Kristin Chenoweth at the
Donmar ? Hope for you you
will....
I'm just on the other side of the
Channel, but I don't have the
time nor the budget -- sigh --...
Posted by François @ 08/24/2002 06:57 PM PST

CD Review
Themes From The Hit Musical Saturday Night Fever.
First I must say that I never saw the stage version of Saturday Night Fever and never saw the film completely either in its "R" or "PG" rated versions. I also have to say that I was never a fan of disco music. So if you guess where this review is going to go you're probably correct in your assumptions.
Now you may ask why would I buy and listen to a recording of Themes from Saturday Night Fever if I don't like disco? Well the answer is two-fold. Bruce Kimmel and Grant Geissman. I also own another cd that they collaborated on called Out At the Movies which I enjoyed (and plan to review in the future.) As far as I am concerned Mr. Kimmel has never let me down in over a hundred albums that I own that he has produced.
I guess I was expecting the Themes Saturday Night Fever to be another album completely in the style of Out At the Movies or even the Terry Trotter, Brad Ellis, Fred Karlin or Lanny Meyers series of releases.
Despite my disappointment in majority of the tracks on this recording there are some pluses. The pluses are the outstanding work by the gentlemen who play the various brass instruments heard on the album. Dan Higgins, Dennis Farias, Jeff Bunnel, Phil Feather and John Grab are the amazing artists heard on this album, but it is the underlying disco beat and the use of electric and synthesizer instruments that are problems for me.
The only track in this mode that was at least tolerable for me was How Deep Is Your Love, which is the kind of music that is heard on a lite jazz radio station that play Kenny G insufferably.
The album would have been more enjoyable for me if electic and synsthesizer were not used as they were in track nine called Immortality. This is a fine example of what can be done to a "disco song" in an alternative arrangement. Grant Geissman shines in his playing of the classic guitar.
For me this one track is the highlight of the album, but of the hundred or so albums that I own from BK this is the first album in its entirety was a dissapointment have to give it a thumbs down. I guess every producer has his Ishtar.
BUT if you like disco music go for it.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 08/24/2002 07:39 PM PST

Francois:
What do the French call the English Channel?
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 08/24/2002 07:40 PM PST

The French name for Channel
is numéro 5 !!!
No ! we say la Manche
(sleeve).
Posted by François @ 08/24/2002 08:11 PM PST

I don't gamble, other than the first time we went to Vegas. I won 75 cents, bought a cup of coffee, and considered myself a winner. I'm just not daring and exciting enough to be a gambler
Posted by Laura @ 08/24/2002 09:11 PM PST

I'm afraid I'm not much of a gambler either. On a ship or some other place with a casino, I'll usually set aside $5.00 or so for the (cheap) slot machines. But for the most part, when I put money in a machine I like to see something come out of it. A stamp at least!
Send lots of cake thoughts to JMK and his family. Some people have chicken soup for the soul; I have cake for the soul. Hey, whatever works.
Posted by Kerry @ 08/24/2002 10:39 PM PST

This is why the English always think the French have a surprise up their sleeve. N'est pas! I thought the #5 comment was cute. My sort of humour (which I usually get hit for!). School teachers often have to amuse themselves with ridiculous puns that the students have no possibility of understanding.
Thanks Francois, I received your email and shall now get to work. I do have the Gilbert Becaud on record already. The album (I only have the 45rpm single) also included "The Importance Of Your Love" and (of course) Let It Be Me. thaks for checking.
BK. Glad the signing was enjoyable. Will try some research into the trivia question tonight.
Michael. Someone actually remembers "Ishtar"!
I went to the old Casino in Monte Carlo once Laura. They gave me a free coin (With which to start gambling). I still have the coin. Crossing the road (or indeed picnicing in the park) is a big enough gamble these days.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 08/24/2002 11:02 PM PST

It certainly took long enough for der Brucer and I to get home from that book-signing. Well, we really got home a while ago, but der Brucer took some pics, and had to get them downloaded, edited somewhat, and then mail them to BK. Priorities, priorities.
They're fairly good pics, of BK reading from Benjamin Kritzer and signing copies of same. Unfortunately, none of the shots really show any of the rest of us who were there. In particular, der Brucer didn't get even one shot of Guy Haines, who spent most of the time hiding in the stacks trying to find copies of Nancy Drew that he doesn't have. Me, I get so tongue-tied around the guy, and I know nothing about tennis anyway...
Anyway, we all had wonderful chocolate bundt cake, and BK threw cheese slices at us the moment he saw us! The bits he read from Benjamin Kritzer
were very good, very funny. And if you wonder what he sounds like, he sounds exactly like he writes, which is how he should sound.
Oh, and yes, there was a very nice bottle of Diet Coke on the table where BK was sitting. You didn't think there wouldn't be, did you?
Everyone who wasn't there in Glendale will simply have to come to the next event at Dutton's. Yes, that means everyone getting their airfare and hotels scheduled, because you won't want to miss out or be tardy. (Those who are tardy don't get fruit cup.)
JMK: sing a special song to Gabriel for der Brucer and me, a song about rainbows perhaps. We both send our love. - S. Woody
Posted by S. Woody White @ 08/24/2002 11:08 PM PST

Dear Tom from OZ: Everyone remembers Ishtar. Nobody admits to having seen Ishtar. There's a difference, y'know.
Posted by S. Woody White @ 08/24/2002 11:13 PM PST

Up too late, alas...and poor BK has only a tad over 20 posts for the day.
It's been a busy day for most of us, I'd imagine. Tonight, I grilled steaks and burgers and kicked back a bit. Am ready for bed now.
See y'all later.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 08/25/2002 12:51 AM PST

François, if you're still there - bonjour (and look, I found your cedilla!) - haven't got plans to see Kristen Chenoweth, but if I manage to plan a meeting in London one day this week, I'll try. Can't you get a cheap Eurostar deal to come across for the day? If you leave late, I think it's quite reasonable.
JMK - if you're still reading at this ungodly hour (for you) - all the best comes across the Atlantic to you.
Posted by Allan @ 08/25/2002 01:41 AM PST

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