haines his way

08/28/2002:
"HAVING A HIGH OLD LIME"

Well, dear readers, today is the day. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, today is the day, the day you’ve asked for, the day you’ve been waiting for. Today is Ask GH Day, the day in which you get to ask Mr. Guy Haines all your excellent questions. I cannot, of course, guarantee how excellent his answers will be because, as you know, Mr. Haines is a bit secretive, a bit elusive, rather like that elusive butterfly of love, and we know how elusive the fershluganah butterfly of love is. I, in fact, have never seen the elusive butterfly of love, that’s how elusive the butterfly of love is. I have seen the margerinefly of love once or twice, but it’s not really the same thing, is it? Where was I? Oh, yes the secretive and elusive Guy Haines and his answering of your excellent questions.
Well, yesterday I was at the downtown library doing a spot of research and looking through a lot of microfiche. Actually, it wasn’t microfiche at all, it was microfilm. I know this because when they brought it to me I said, “What is it, fiche?” and they said, “No, you Ukranian submarine sandwich, it’s film.” I then spent the next hour trying to figure out why they called me a Ukranian submarine sandwich. I was there for four count them four hours and by the end of it I had a headache and was nauseous. Afterwards, I returned the microfilm and thanked the person who’d given it to me and also called her a Brazilian Falafel. I then went home, but first I stopped at the DVD store to see what the new releases were. And lo and behold and also behold and lo, there was the brand spanking new box set of the third season of The Sopranos. I have never actually seen a broadcast episode of The Sopranos on HBO, but I have purchased each season as its come out, and I really like it. It’s quite addictive, in fact, and I’ve already watched the first episode. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? First I had to finish the truly horrid Needful Things. What a bad motion picture. Although, Max von Sydow seems to be having a high old lime as the devil. Has anyone noticed that I just wrote “high old lime” instead of “high old time”? It was a mere slip of a finger, but I like “high old lime”, don’t you? “High old time” is so overused, so from now on I shall use “high old lime”. Anyway, Max von Sydow seems to be having a high old lime in his role as the devil. It’s fun to hear him call Ed Harris “a wussy”. Not fun enough to endure the film, but when a movie is this bad, any small pleasure is appreciated. Large pleasures, sadly, were like the elusive butterfly of love. Before I put on The Sopranos, I did manage to watch Mr. Curtis Harrington’s What’s the Matter with Helen?, which has just come out on DVD (a double bill with another Harrington film, Whoever Slew Auntie Roo). It’s kind of inept, but weirdly enjoyable, especially for the performances of Debbie Reynolds and Shelly Winters. Michael MacLiammor is also in it, as a hammy acting teacher, and he is excellent and very hammy. The film has an insistent but good David Raksin score and I like the use of the song “Goody Goody”. There are also a couple of musical numbers, choreographed by Tony Charmoli.
Well, I believe it is time for all of us to click on the Unseemly Button below because we are having too much of a high old lime, in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo).

Has anyone seen the elusive butterfly of love? Has anyone eaten a Ukranian submarine sandwich or a Brazilian falafel? Is anyone having a high old lime? I was looking at a brand spanking new cellular phone the other day. It was quite tiny and light, but do you know what the most interesting thing about it was? Well, I’m going to tell you what the most interesting thing about it was because why should I keep such things from you? I’m not the elusive butterfly, you know, I keep you up-to-date and in-the-know here at haineshisway.com. The most interesting thing about this cellular phone was that it had a full color screen. I have never seen that before. It also had icons on it. Apparently, this new cellular phone can do everything – it can make and receive calls, it has voice-activated dialing, it can connect to the Internet, it can receive IMs and send e-mail and you can even place a bid on eBay. That is some cellular phone. It is an AT&T service, I don’t think anyone quite offers this technology but them. I know other phones have the internet (mine included), but this technology is different and altogether better, the salesperson told me. Unfortunately, I have a contract with Verizon that isn’t up until early next year, and there is a penalty, and not a light one, for canceling service early. Whatever did we do before cellular phones? Well, I’ll tell you what we did, we managed, that’s what we did. But now, it is unthinkable for most people to not have their cell phones with them at every moment. I’ve seen kids of eight walking down the street, twittering away on them, and I’ve seen adults of eighty doing the same. Of course, with this new AT&T phone, all long distance calls are free. But I really hate when people get and make calls from restaurants – that is where I draw the line. Yes, Virginia, if someone gets a call while I’m in a restaurant, I walk over to their table with a pencil and I draw a line. That will teach the inconsiderate wazoos.
Look at the size of that paragraph. That is one impressive paragraph. That paragraph has heft.
The above paragraph, however, was bereft of heft. Heft was like the elusive butterfly of love with the above paragraph.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do and I must do them with heft and I must have a high old lime whilst doing them. Today I must eat the pasta with red sauce, because it is impossible not to do so after watching The Sopranos. So, now it is time for you to ask the elusive Guy Haines your excellent questions, so ask away, my pretties.

Replies: 31 Unseemly Comments

For GH:
Since everyone knows what a great tennis player you are, I was just wondering if you are answering these questions from the US Open which is being held this week in Flushing, NY and if so, what do you think of the overpriced food ($10 hamburgers) and the excess security (dogs with ID badges).
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 08/28/2002 10:03 AM PST

Dear Guy Haines:
When will there be a second solo CD? Your fans must know.
Are you any relation to Stephen (philandering husband to Mary) Haines?
Posted by Philip Crosby @ 08/28/2002 10:24 AM PST

Since BK brought up the subject of cell phones and line drawing, I'll ask Guy Haines this question:
Do you have a cell phone and, most importantly, do you use it while driving?
This is where I draw the line -- I've yet to see anyone talking on a cell phone while driving who was alert behind the wheel. I've seen folks stall at stop signs, fail to move when lights turn green and all around them are moving, and I've seen folks run through red lights while yakking on the phone.
I am waiting for Radio Shack to offer a cell phone inhibitor -- a devise to break up cell phone signals within 25 to 50 feet of my car. I will buy one and install it and zap every single cell phone user I encounter on the road. I will avoid parked cars, of course. Cell phone users should always be parked before using their phones.
Cell phone users cannot -- read that CANNOT -- function purposfully behind the wheel of a car AND talk at the same time.
I PRAY for the day when the practice of driving and talking on cell phones is outlawed as has been done in one state already.
If you are driving in the Bay Area and are talking on your cell phone and some idiot drives up alonside you blowing his horn for all his worth, then you will have finally met me!
: )
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 08/28/2002 10:47 AM PST

I still think cell phones are great to have.
My mother has one for emergencies that she takes with her everywhere. That gives me great peace of mind!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 08/28/2002 11:04 AM PST

In NYS, it is illegal to use a handheld cellphone while driving (only headphones or speakerphones may be used). However this law seems to be ignored on a regular basis, and except for a couple of highly publicized "crackdowns" it isn't being enforced. Despite pre-show announcements, it is a rare play, film or concert that isn't interupted by cellphones, and walking down the street is often like walking through a bank of telephone booths. Forget peace and quiet on buses, commuter trains or above ground portions of subway rides. Cellphones should only be used for emergencies.
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 08/28/2002 11:04 AM PST

GH:
We've all come to think of BK as a swell guy, but very few of us have ever actually met the fellow. So, tell us, just what is BK like to work with?
In the song "Gettin' Nowhere Fast" on your oh-so-fabulous solo album, there is one lyric I simply cannot make out (not due to sloppy diction, mind you...I suspect it's some L.A. reference or such). So what is the word that follows "I sample cheese at *mystery lyric*"?
And, most importantly, does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
Posted by Jed @ 08/28/2002 11:42 AM PST

For GH:
You seem to be very camera shy. Can you explain why that is?
Does BK have any annoying habits when he's producing you in the studio?
When BK invites you to sing on his albums (for I presume he does 'invite' you), does he tell you what you're going to sing or do you get a choice?
And in a similar vein, did you have any choice as to the songs included on your solo CD?
Are there are any songs you'd really like to sing which BK has forbade you from singing on an album produced by him?
Thank you!
Posted by Allan @ 08/28/2002 11:51 AM PST

RE: Cell phones
Best bumper sticker I have seen in a long time: "Would you be a better driver if I shoved that cell phone up your a**?"
While I am happy to have a cell phone, they more abused than they are used, I am afraid.
Posted by Philip Crosby @ 08/28/2002 12:09 PM PST

BK is always off doing the things he does, filling his days to the very brim it seems. So what exactly does a typical GH day consist of?
Posted by Jed @ 08/28/2002 12:12 PM PST

Dear GH:
BK seems to be highly annoyed by his rude awakenings by the lawn mowers outside his window. What sound or sounds just absolutely infuriate you?
Do you eat Chinese food in bed?
Do you eat Chinese food in the bus terminal?
And finally...which do you hate more? Bad breath or body odor?
Posted by Jason @ 08/28/2002 12:18 PM PST

Wow...those questions tended to lean toward what you don't like. How about what you DO like?
What sound or sounds make you writhe in delight?
What is your favorite scent? Do you wear cologne? What kind? How do you feel about Rosie O'Donnell's claim that you should wear 30 squirts of cologne or you just shouldn't leave the house?
What brand of soap do you use to bathe with? What scent?
What is the worst thing you've ever tasted in your life? What's the BEST thing you've ever tasted?
Posted by Jason @ 08/28/2002 12:31 PM PST

Dear GH:
I have a multitude of questions, BUT, I will save them for a rainy day. :-) Instead, taking the page from yesterday's BK's topic of discussion, I will ask you to name the songs that you would duet on with the following divas:
Lea DeLaria
Betty Buckley
Emily Skinner
Barbra Streisand, or should she decline, Steven Brinberg of "Simply, Barbra" fame
Petula Clark
Doris Day
Elaine Stritch
Of course, it would take a mighty fine producer to line up that sort of talent for you to sing with, but I'm sure we all know someone who might be able to work something out.
I'm looking forward to many more Ask GH days!
Posted by td @ 08/28/2002 12:31 PM PST

Mr. Haines:
It is such a pleasure to be able to ask you a question or two (or more!) So, here we go:
Who is your favorite charactor from "Bear in the Big Blue House"
What is your favorite track that you've recodred over the years with BK, not one from your CD, though.
Last one, what has BK made you do that you absolutely did not want to do, but he made you because he is the producer?
Have a gret day.
Posted by Matthew @ 08/28/2002 02:31 PM PST

Did you ever marry Ann Morton after the death of Miriam?
Whose performance of you did you prefer Farley Granger in Strangers on a Train, Paul Burker in Once You Kiss a Stranger (although they changed your name and profession) or Jaqueline Bisset in Once You Meet a Stranger (where they changed your gender and profession once again)?
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 08/28/2002 02:46 PM PST

How embarassing that there are yet only fourteen -- count them, FOURTEEN!! -- posts on Ask GH day! Why, the illustrious Guy Haines deserves better than that! So come on, all of you Hainesies and Kimlets! Let's get our lists of questions for GH posted right here and now, and even right now and here!
For starters, here are my questions:
1) Being the apparent recluse that you are, what kind of event would bring you out so that your public can meet you?
2) Or perhaps I'm wrong about you being a recluse. Have you ever sung in a karaoke bar? And what do you think about it?
3) Are you married or romantically attached to anyone? What is your idea of the perfect romantic evening?
4) If you were stranded on a desert island, what three items would you want to have with you? And why?
5) What is your idea of the perfect meal?
And finally, at least for now:
6) Of all the songs you've recorded, which is your favorite and why?
I want to take this opportunity, Guy, to thank you for enriching our lives with your beautiful singing. Please continue to share your music with us. We love you!
Posted by A Guy Haines Fan @ 08/28/2002 02:58 PM PST

GH:
Is it true what they say about how difficult BK is to work with?
Do you know any juicy secrets about BK that he would blush to see posted here? If so, would you please post them here?
Do you feel your singing career has been held back by your record producer?
Are you left-handed, right-handed, or ambidextrous?
Are you really as handsome as rumor has it?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 08/28/2002 03:06 PM PST

More ?s for GH:
Do you ever hear anything from Bruno Antony?
Are your professional tennis days behind you, or can we expect to see you in any tournaments?
What, exactly, do you do with yourself these days?
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 08/28/2002 03:21 PM PST

Hell Guy and thank you for this opportunity.
Do you socialise at all with Dame Edna and Jose Jiminez?
Who are your favourite tennis partners? (assuming you play doubles).
As a child, did you ever have an imaginary friend.
Have you seen the film "Drop Dead Fred"?
Do you read the notes on this site each day?
Have you ever contributed to the site using another name?
Thanks again for your valuable time.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 08/28/2002 03:32 PM PST

1. If I receive a free ticket to the U.S. Open on Wednesday, should I go? If so, why? I do not know from tennis.
B. Did you see the original Broadway production of A Little Night Music? If so, please would you describe your reaction or response to it? If not, what productions have you seen? How were they?
III. Any thoughts on Robert Blake, Winnie Horowitz, or Michael Skakel that you would like to sure? Who is next?
4A. What about the reports that Carol Channing reveals for the first time in her forthcoming autobiography that her father was of African descent and that she is of mixed race? Is it news or not? What about that darn horizontal rouge line across the bridge of her nose? Will she ever stop?
4B. Would you believe me if I told you I have seen Carol Channing without the wig and makeup?
V. Who should follow Harvey Fierstein in the role of Edna Turnblad?
Posted by freedunit @ 08/28/2002 04:23 PM PST

Dear Guy: It was good to see you at the Bookfellows booksigning last Saturday, even if you did spend the entire time hiding in the stacks. I hope BK's voice carried well enough, so you could hear him as he did his selected readings.
I noticed you had a few books that you purchased just before you left (and before any of us could ask for your autograph). Could you tell us what they were? Or would that be too presumptuous?
Posted by S. Woody White @ 08/28/2002 04:33 PM PST

Oh, before I forget: Has anyone ever commented before on how you have an aristocratic nose?
Posted by S. Woody White @ 08/28/2002 04:36 PM PST

Dear Guy Haines,
1)Any chance you might perform in the newly renovated Cinegrill?
2)Would you be interested in meeting my single sister?
3)What's your cell phone number?
Posted by Laura @ 08/28/2002 05:28 PM PST

Well, it's Ask GH Day, so I may as well ...
1. Do you enjoy bingo?
2. Stubby Kaye or Charlotte Rae?
3a. Why does my mother know you?
b. Why do I look a lot like you?
Posted by Paul Fairie @ 08/28/2002 06:16 PM PST

Guy:
Who are the unseemly searchers?
Did you introduce Bruce to the joys of cheese slices, ham chunks, and diet coke?
How did you meet Bruce?
Are there ay songs that you have not yet recorded that you would like to?
When is your national tour, and will it come through Cleveland?
Posted by Hapgood @ 08/28/2002 07:53 PM PST

Dear GH:
1. Have you ever met a stranger on a train?
2. Will we ever see your face close up?
3. Is it true that you are Bruce's alter ego?
4. Have you had any offers to appear on Broadway? Do you see this happening in the near future? If so what part would you like to play?
5. Was the song "Everybody Loves Sondheim" written for a musical and if so which one?
6. If you could date anyone in the world who would the lucky person be?
7. What are you currently involved in professionally?
Posted by Dennis Clancy @ 08/28/2002 08:03 PM PST

Questions for Mr. Guy Haines
1. You started this site, then abandoned it to Bruce to run. Tell us, in your own words, how you feel about the job he is doing and about your site and just where the heck you have been!
2. How do you feel about Merry Go Rounds?
3. Is progress the root of all evil?
4. If you had your druthers, who'd you druther be?
5. You sounded like you were having a LOT of fun with Gettin Nowhere Fast. What was your motivation?
6. Thanks for singing such lovely renditions of the songs on the Benjamin Kritzer CD - have you read the book, and would you want to have a part in a movie version if it was ever done?
7. Who are some of the people you would like to have duets with on future album(s)?
8. Have you EVER used your tennis racquet to create perfect cheese slices?
Bruce said I can't ask 10 questions.. so I am stopping at 8. Well, 9 if you include me asking.. why do you think you wouldn't answer 10 questions from me? DO you have a quota?
and finally... not a question but a comment... the next time you record an album, might we be treated to a hidden bonus track?
Much obliged..
Posted by Craig @ 08/28/2002 08:41 PM PST

i figured that the community of singers who do broadway material is a small group. So I was wondering if you would know who the following might be:
John McGlinn's Complete recording of Anything Goes (1989)there is are singings who are listed with Nom De Plumes. Over the years I was only able to figure out a few names.
Judy Green aka Judy Kaye (Hubby is on the recording)
Michael B Wailing aka Michael McGuire
Dustin Sacks aka John McGlinn (cameo speaking role and has a very distinctive voice)
So I cam wonering if you might know who the following might be:
Byran Landrine
Del-Bourree Bach
Phil Ossaffee (not a very subtle one is it?)
the only singer to use his real name was Bruce Hubbard, but I think by the time the CD was released he may have already passed.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 08/28/2002 08:56 PM PST

http://www.askjeeves.com/main/metaAnswer.asp?t=ai&s=ai&MetaEngine=directhit&en=te&eo=3&o=0&frames=True&url=http%3A%2F%2Fask%2Edirecthit%2Ecom%2Ffcgi%2Dbin%2Fredirurl%2Efcg%3Furl%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fepguides%2Ecom%2FAlice%2F%26qry%3Dalice%2Btv%2Bseries%26rnk%3D7%26cz%3Db00998423a809027%26src%3DDH%5FASK%5FSRCH%26uid%3D0b3ae0d50a4a9d6d3%26sid%3D132c51d50a4a9d6d3%26u%3D&ac=20&adcat=ent&pt=Alice+%28a+Titles+and+Air+Dates+Guide%29&dm=http%3A%2F%2Fepguides%2Ecom%2FAlice%2F&io=6&qid=ECC30E57BC4E6345901B95F321B50CBD&back=ask%3Dalice%2Btv%2Bseries%26o%3D0%26qsrc%3D0%26meta%3D1&ask=alice+tv+series&dt=020828210620&amt=
Posted by Bruce on the Net @ 08/28/2002 09:09 PM PST

Guy -- some months ago we had a discussion about songs you and Bruce might sing on a duet album. Since your singing styles are a bit similar the blend would be near perfect. Would you consider making such an album with Bruce?
Posted by Robert Armin @ 08/28/2002 09:09 PM PST

GH,
1) Mary Ann or Ginger?
2a) For my own personal enjoyment, I have made several CD compilations of different songs that are sung together at the same time (simultaneous duets, if you will), for example, "I Wonder Why" and "You're Just in Love" from CALL ME MADAM by Irving Berlin. If you and Bruce did to a duet album together, would you be interested in suggestions? I have 10 complation discs and there are lots to choose from.
2b) Also, do you know if there is a specific term to describe this kind of song/duet/trio/etc...?
Posted by George @ 08/28/2002 09:56 PM PST

Dear Mr. Guy,
Are you as fond of food as your esteemd colleague, Bruce? And if so, what are your favorite foods?
What is your favorite song that you have not yet gotten to record?
If you could do a duet with any one person (living or dead) who would you choose?
We have heard BK's take on this, but would you ever consider doing a duet with Bruce?
Posted by Kerry @ 08/28/2002 10:56 PM PST

Ask BK: Got a question? Ask Bruce Kimmel...

© Copyright 2001-2003 Bruce Kimmel.
All Rights Reserved. Site design by hijinks design.