Well, dear readers, here I am, writing Thursday’s notes on a Wednesday because I must leave the house at quite an early hour to go to a meeting. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Then I’ll be back for awhile and then I have to go off to some ASCAP event for film and television composers, which I’ll be attending with my pal, Miss Adryan Russ. I don’t know what the purpose of this event is, but I shall be there and I shall adapt to whatever purpose the purpose is. One must always adapt to whatever purpose the purpose is, otherwise people will think we are being contrary and we must never be contrary unless our name is Mary or Harry or Barry or Cary or Kerry or Larry or Cherry or Gary or Jerry or Sherry or Terry. Look at all those contrary names. That is very scary and naturally I’m wary so I’d better lay off the dairy at least if I’m visiting the prairie. What the hell am I talking about?

Yesterday (which, of course, is really today) I went and got that brand spanking new AT&T Wireless phone. I was able to get out of my current wireless contract without any problem and I found a new home for my former phone, which means I basically got this phone for next to nothing. I’ve already programmed several voice recognition features, and I’ve linked the phone to a wireless headset. I was very impressed with me for being able to do these things without help. Unfortunately, it takes up to forty-eight hours for the phone to activate, so I’m just waiting patiently for the thing to actually be able to make and receive calls. In the meantime, I am doing what little programming my feeble brain is able to. It’s fairly easy once you get the hang of the menu system and it’s all very well laid out in the manual. Did I mention that this phone has a camera in it, so you can take photos with your phone and then send them to people from the phone itself. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? And I will be able to get online from the phone and I will be able to come to this here site and post, if necessary. It also comes with a teeny-tiny keyboard, which attaches to the phone. I will give you a full report as soon as it’s up and running or, at the very least, running and up.

Well, I must stop blathering because we have a lot of questions for Mr. Guy Haines, the elusive butterfly of love. So, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can get to your excellent questions.

Well, I feel you have asked Mr. Guy Haines many excellent questions and since he wasn’t feeling contrary he answered them and his answers are very airy. And here they are.

William E. Lurie says since everyone knows what a great tennis player you are are you, in fact, answering these questions from the U.S.Open which is being held this week and if so, what do you think of the overpriced food and the excess security?

GH: Thank you so much for asking me that question. I went to the U.S. Open but they were closed so I went home. You know time waits for no man. I think the overpriced food ($10 for a hamburger) is overpriced for my money, which they aren’t getting because the U.S. Open was closed when I arrived and time waits for no man. The excess security (dogs with ID badges) is an excellent idea. I think all dogs should wear ID badges and hats and little booties.

Philip Crosby asks if there will be a second solo Guy Haines CD and if you are any relation to Stephen Haines.

GH: Thank you so much for asking me that question. I went to the U.S. Open but they were closed… Oh, that was the other question. I would like to do a second solo Guy Haines CD, and my friend Mr. Kimmel seems to want to produce it for me, so it’s a real possibility. I am not related to Stephen Haines, but one of the security dogs with an ID tag was related to a schnauzer I once knew. I loved your Uncle Bing’s records, by the way.

Ron Pulliam asks if you have a cell phone and if you use it while driving. Do you ever hear anything from Bruno Antony? Are your professional tennis days behind you or can we expect to see you in any tournaments?

GH: Thank you so much for asking me that question, Ron Pulliam. I do have a cell phone which I only use when I’m actually in a cell. I never use it while driving because I do not drive. Bruno Antony is a stranger to me. My professional tennis days are behind me, but I keep my hand in, playing every day. I will not be in any tournaments.

Jed wants to know what it is really like to work with BK. Also, in the song Gettin’ Nowhere Fast, Jed cannot make out the word that follows the lyrics “I sample cheese at”. Also, does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? Also, what does a typical Guy Haines day consist of?

GH: I’m so glad you asked me all those questions, Jed. I enjoy working with BK because he likes the way I sing and he never makes me do too many takes. Actually, he and Vinnie play Parchesi when I’m singing – they say it creates a vibe. The lyric line is “I sample cheese at Gristede’s” which is, I suppose, a store in NYC where one can sample cheese and maybe even ham chunks. I never put chewing gum on the bedpost overnight but I can tell you that the bedpost loses its flavor. A typical Guy Haines day consist of hours and minutes which go by in typical timelike fashion. I eat meals, I relax, I play tennis, I mock certain animals.

Allan asks if you can explain why you’re so camera shy. Does BK have any annoying habits when he’s producing you in the studio. Does BK tell you what you’re going to sing when he asks you to do an album, or do you get to choose? And did you have any choice as to the songs included on your solo CD? Are there any songs which BK forbade you from singing on an album produced by him?

GH: Thank you so much for asking all those questions, Allan. I have always been camera shy because I was once attacked by a camera, rather viciously. BK has many annoying habits, especially his annoying habit of wearing pointy party hats at recording sessions. I let BK tell me what I’ll be singing because he seems to know what songs I can handle and which will fall on my voice well. I don’t know from songs really, although I sometimes pretend I do just so I look like I’m in the know. There are no songs that BK has forbade me to do, although I like to be forbaded. I think he doesn’t forbade me because he knows that forbading is something I long for – it’s a fetish, really. Forbade me, I say to him – forbade me, and yet he will not forbade me.

Jason asks what sounds absolutely infuriate you? Do you eat Chinese food in bed? Do you eat Chinese food in the bus terminal? Which do you hate more – bad breath or body odor? What sounds make you writhe in delight. What is your favorite scent? Do you wear cologne? What kind of soap do you use? And what are the best and worst things you’ve ever tasted in your life?

GH: Thank you so much for those questions. The sound of a train infuriates me. I don’t know why. I don’t eat anything in bed or in the bus terminal, but I have been known to eat while bathing luxuriously in the sunken tub. I hate body odor of any kind but I also hate bad breath of any kind. Don’t even come near me if you’re a skank, that’s what I say. I writhe in delight at the sound of a mixmaster. My favorite scent is the smell of a refried bean. I do wear cologne – I wear it everywhere. I always smell very fresh and fragrant. I use Irish Spring soap because it reminds me of the movie The Quiet Man. The best thing I’ve ever tasted in my life was Beef Wellington served at the home of a notorious shoe salesman. The worst thing I’ve ever tasted was an HB Number Two lead pencil that I ate by mistake.

Td asks what songs you’d like to duet on with the following people: Lea DeLaria, Betty Buckley, Emily Skinner, Barbra Streisand, Petula Clark, Doris Day and Elaine Stritch.

GH: Thank you so much for bringing this up. Those are all fine divas, one and all. I don’t know from songs, however, so I’d leave the choices to BK or the divas themselves. I would like to sing Enough Is Enough with Barbra Streisand, though.

Matthew asks what your favorite character from Bear in the Big Blue House is. What is your favorite track you’ve recorded over the years (not from your solo CD)? What has BK made you do that you absolutely didn’t want to do, but he made you because he is the producer?

GH: I don’t know from Bear in the Big Blue House, but I’ll say Bear. My favorite track – that’s a tough one. I might say It Doesn’t Matter Anymore from Prime Time Musicals, but I might also say Evening Star from Lost in Boston IV. But then again I might say Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas from A Hollywood Christmas. BK, just because he is the producer, once made me crush a box of donuts just so he could look at squished donuts. I’ve never forgiven him.

Michael Shayne asks if you ever married Ann Morton after the death of Miriam. Whose performance do you prefer, Farley Granger in Strangers on a Train or Paul Burke in Once You Kiss a Stranger, or Jacqueline Bisset in Once You Meet a Stranger?

GH: I’ve wiped away certain things about my past and therefore cannot answer certain questions. I like Farley Granger and haven’t seen the other two performances.

A Guy Haines Fan asks given your elusive nature what kind of event would bring you out so that your public can meet you? Have you ever sung in a Karaoke bar? Are you married or romantically attached to anyone? What is your idea of the perfect romantic evening? If you were stranded on a desert island what three items would you want to have with you and why? What is your idea of a perfect meal? Of all the songs you’ve recorded what is your favorite and why?

GH: That’s no Guy Haines Fan, that’s that fellow Craig Brockman who always has a plethora of questions. The only event that gets me out of the house is the occasional bris. I have never sung in a Karaoke bar. I am not married, nor am I romantically attached at this time. I am seeing several people, however, but they always get annoyed because I keep my back to them. My idea of the perfect romantic evening is to listen to ice cubes being made in the automatic ice cube maker. That makes me all warm and gooshy. The three things I’d want on a desert island are a CD player so I could play my CDs all day and night, a widescreen television and surround sound system, and all my favorite movies and shows on DVD. My idea of the perfect meal is a chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes, followed by cherry pie ala mode. I’ve already answered your last question, but if I can include songs from the solo CD, I’d add Pick Yourself Up – I love that song.

William F. Orr asks if it’s true what they say about how difficult BK is to work with. Do you know any juicy secrets about BK that he would blush to see posted here? Do you feel your singing career has been held back by your record producer? Are you left-handed, right-handed or ambidextrous? Are you really as handsome as rumor has it?

GH: I like any question with the word “ambidextrous” in it. BK is a pussycat, he’s never been difficult to work with and I’ve never seen him lose his temper except when he threw a chair at an engineer once (not Vinnie). BK has many juicy secrets, but this is a family site and I cannot post them here. I feel that my singing career has not been held back by BK. He is responsible for my singing career, although I’m not certain that is something he should brag about. I am left-handed unless I am right-handed – it depends on the activity. I am ambidextrous on the occasions when I’m not going left, not going right. I am quite handsome, or so my mother used to tell me. She also thought Rondo Hatton was handsome, so we take these things with a grain of salt.

Tom from Oz asks if you socialize at all with Dame Edna and Jose Jiminez? Who are your favorite tennis partners? As a child, did you have an imaginary friend? Have you seen the film Drop Dead Fred? Do you read the notes on this site each day? Have you ever contributed to the site using a different name?

GH: I never socialize with anyone, although I was fortunate enough to meet Dame Edna when BK recorded her. We sang There Is Nothing Like a Dame and A Wonderful Guy together. My favorite tennis partners are Hymie Needleman and Roberta Plank. My mother had an imaginary friend, Little Mary Mucketts, and Little Mary was also my friend for a short time, until I tried to remove her eye with a ball peen hammer. I have not seen Drop Dead Fred. I do not read the notes on this site ever. I have never contributed to the site under this or any other name. I am not now nor have I ever been a Communist or a Greek.

Freedunit asks if he receives a free ticket to the U.S. Open should he go? Did you see the original production of A Little Night Music? If so, what were your reactions to it? If not, what productions have you seen? Any thoughts on Robert Blake, Winnie Horowitz or Michael Skakel? What do you think of Carol Channing revealing in her upcoming autobiography that her father was of African descent and that she is of mixed race? Who should follow Harvey Fierstein in the role of Edna Turnblad?

GH: I don’t feel that you should go to the U.S. Open, just in case it’s closed like it was when I went. I did not see the original production of A Little Night Music. The only production I’ve seen of the show was at a community theater in Diamond Bar. It was quite good, especially Ida Mae Lint as Desiree, and Juan Martinez as Frid. Frid is my favorite character in the piece. I have no thoughts on those people, except every time I hear the name Robert Blake I immediately keep my eye on the sparrow. I have always felt Miss Channing was of African descent and I feel that now that she’s revealed it, she would be a fine Bess in Porgy and Bess. I feel Dame Edna should next play Edna Turnblad.

S. Woody White asks what books you were looking at when you were hiding in the stacks at Bookfellows. Has anyone commented on the fact that you have an aristocratic nose?

GH: I was looking at the book The Randy Vicar and the Donkey by Anonymous. It’s always been one of my favorites, and they had a striking first edition of it, in jacket. I was in a jacket, too, so I felt that made me one with the book. Yes, the Duke of Walgreen once commented on my aristocratic nose and asked if he could have it. I said no.

Laura asks if there’s any chance you might perform in the newly renovated Cinegrill? Would you be interested in meeting Laura’s single sister? What is your cell phone number?

GH: I have been thinking about performing at the Cinegrill. We shall see what happens. I rather enjoy meeting single sisters – I once met quite a few of them during an engagement of The Sound of Music. My cell phone number is 8.

Hapgood asks who are your unseemly searchers? Did you introduce BK to the joys of cheese slices, ham chunks and Diet Coke? How did you meet Bruce? Are there any songs that you’d like to record that you haven’t?

GH: I have no unseemly searchers. BK has unseemly searchers, but he’s told me about them and they are unseemly indeed. Honestly, you’d think people would have better things to do, wouldn’t you? I did not introduce those things to BK, those are his things, the old perv. Bruce and I met on a train. There are many songs I would like to record, and hopefully we will be doing so in the not too distant future.

Paul Fairie asks if you enjoy bingo. Stubby Kaye or Charlotte Rae? Why does Paul’s mother know you and why does Paul look a lot like you?

GH: The first thing I’d like to know is, is Paul Fairie contrary? I have no feeling on bingo one way or the other. Stubby Kaye, always. I do not know why your mother knows me or why you look a lot like me? Those are questions for the great Hercule Poirot, not me.

Dennis Clancy asks have you ever met a stranger on a train? Will we ever see your face closeup? Is it true that you are BK’s alter ego? Have you had any offers to appear on Broadway? Was the song Everybody Wants To Be Sondheim written for a musical? If you could date anyone in the world, who would the lucky person be? What are you currently involved in professionally?

GH: BK was a stranger when I met him on a train. Believe me, you don’t want to see my face in closeup. I am not BK’s alter ego. There is no possible way to alter BK’s ego, I’m afraid. I have recently had an offer to appear on Broadway at 49th, selling hard candies. I declined. The song was written for cabaret performers, not for a musical. If I could date anyone in the world, I would date the first person who could make really good Beef Wellington. If you know such a person, please direct them my way. Thank you all for these questions, and I hope I answered them in ways that pleased you.

Thanks to Mr. Guy Haines for his answers. If any questions were posted post Mr. Clancy, save them for the next Ask GH Day.

Well, dear readers, I really must go to sleep now so I can get up bright and early and take the day, do the things I do, go to important meetings with important peoples of the world. Today’s topic of discussion: What songs or duets would you like to hear Guy Haines do? Post away, my pretties, and post often. We must put on a huge burst of speed, traffic-wise, or we most surely will not best our best month of July.