haines his way

09/18/2002:
"THE LAY OF THE LAND"

Well, dear readers, you won’t believe it. I didn’t believe it until my alarm went off, then I believed it plenty. I had to get up at six o’clock this morning to do a phone interview with a radio station in the mid-west, about the book. Yes, Virginia, I, who was exhausted after a long first day at work, had to get up at six o’clock and be charming and amusing. All I can say is, thank goodness the lady I did the interview with did most of the talking. Thankfully, she’d loved the book and just went on and on about it in some detail, so I just got to sit there on my couch like so much fish and say pithy and quaint things like “yes”, “thank you”, “it’s available at”, “yes, it is early”. In any case, it was a very nice way to start a day, and she liked the book for all the right reasons.
I arrived for my first day of work yesterday and was immediately told that the network wanted a five minute showy sound bite reel from the piece we’d shot over the weekend – and they wanted it by the end of the day. So, instead of my getting used to things again, learning new formats and getting the lay of the land, I found myself helping to put together a reel, which took nine hours to do. The good news is that it all came back to me very quickly and I do think I helped move things along at a snappy pace. The bad news is that it all came back to me very quickly. This is not going to be easy, dear readers, because in series’ television you are always up against some kind of deadline like that. But the people seem nice and I think everything will be fine and dandy and also dandy and fine. That said, suddenly I must go out of town again for two days. Not only that, I must be “talent” – they want me to appear onscreen in this thing (which I can’t really talk about in detail – I’m sworn to secrecy at this time). I agreed to do it this time, but I really do not want to work on the weekends again after this and I will be quite strong about it.
Today I shall get the lay of the land. One must always get the lay of the land otherwise one shall be layless, land-wise, and that is wholly unacceptable. I brought up psychics yesterday, because a very sweet person recently told me that I had a very good aura, which made me very happy. Certainly I didn’t want a bad aura. She said many nice things, and many positive things, but she also said to be careful of jealous, envious people who have at one time been around me. And then what happened on that newsgroup happened, which I found very interesting indeed. I was very pleased that dear reader Michael Shayne posted the information in the first place, but I knew the minute I saw his post that what happened would happen. I knew it with a certainty, and it happened within fifteen minutes. I’m also glad it happened, because maybe this will teach a lesson about bad behavior and bad form to that gentleman. Bad form is something one needs to learn – like the lay of the land. In any case, the genteman with too much unknown and unpublished information has conveniently disappeared into thin air. Of course, who didn’t expect that to happen?
Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, so we can see what the lay of the land is.

So, this is the lay of the land. I had no idea. It’s so different than I’d imagined it would be. What the hell am I talking about?
Tonight I’m going to try our grand experiment – we’re going to do Ask BK Day, and I’m going to see if I have the energy to actually answer your excellent questions tonight. As I said yesterday, try to limit multiple questions to three. I think it will be just fine that way.
I am so excited about finding out the lay of the land. Perhaps, while I’m at it, I’ll also find out the land of the lay. The Land of the Lay. That sounds like an adult version of a Sid and Marty Krofft show, doesn’t it?
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must drive on the freeway, I must learn the lay of the land and work, work, work (that is three works). Oh, and the good news is that I am online at work and will be able to check in during the day. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? So, it’s Ask BK Day, the day in which you get to ask your excellent questions. Ask away, my pretties.

Replies: 27 Unseemly Comments

Dear BK: Very glad to know the work is off and running.
Question: When entering a new work environment, what members of the staff do you find it helps to get to know very quickly, to make your job that much easier? (I'm including everyone from the top execs to the mail-room lad, a very generous everyone.) (Multiple choice, if you prefer.)
Posted by S. Woody White @ 09/18/2002 09:29 AM PST

IT'S PARTY TIME!
All ye Hainsies and Kimlets within travelling distance of the Big Apple, get ready! Our very own Bruce Kimmel will be in New York next month and we're planning a party!
The Date: Sunday, October 6th
The Time: Around 6ish or 7ish
The Place: To Be Announced
We need to know how many of you dear readers will be joining the celebration so that we can reserve the party place. So don't be errant or truant, or even truant or errant: Click on the link right now and let us know you're planning to come to the first East Coast Hainsies and Kimlets Party!
Be there or be square!
Posted by Susan Gordon @ 09/18/2002 09:37 AM PST

Dear BK: Best wishes to you on the new job and in all of your exciting endeavors.
My question for today's Ask BK day:
What do you think about the casting of the upcoming film of CHICAGO? I am particularly interested in your thoughts on the casting of a woman in the role of Mary Sunshine.
Posted by Jay @ 09/18/2002 09:38 AM PST

For ask BK day:
When you get a new DVD do you watch the film first or the special features first? If it is a film you are very familiar with do you watch only the special features and not bother with the film itself? If there is a commentary track do you watch the film twice, once with and once without?
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 09/18/2002 09:56 AM PST

Bruce, Good Luck on the new job!
Questions:
What was the first (if any), or even first few professional jobs that you left off of a resume. For instance an acting gig (but don't feel you must limit your answer to on-camera work) that might now be too embarassing to admit to doing.
Have there been any jobs you've had that you've never put on a resume? or have you absolutely been totally proud of everything that you've ever been hired to do?
Posted by George @ 09/18/2002 10:35 AM PST

Susan - count me in (at least for right now).
Laura - need the link to the rec.arts site (BK gave me some info, but I couldn't find it).
Thanks, ladies!
Posted by Phil @ 09/18/2002 10:38 AM PST

Asking BK:
On June 18th you reported having a meeting with one Miss Cybill Shepherd. Was that meeting connected to one of your recent announcements? If so, which project and how (if you can divulge such info at this time, of course)?
Posted by Jed @ 09/18/2002 11:22 AM PST

Laura: You're becoming the Information Guru here. Thanks for the link, by the way :-)
No questions this week. I'm just so swamped at work I have little time to think of what's in front of me, let alone something pithy and interesting to ask BK. So, I will pass till another Wednesday.
Posted by Ben @ 09/18/2002 11:23 AM PST

BK - glad your first day went well. I'm hoping you'll be onscreen. It's cable, right? Kerry, do you have cable? :-)
If anyone else wants a link to The Thread, feel free to email me privately and I'll send it.
My question for the week:
When you are making new recordings, can the girls and I come to LA and see how it's done?
Posted by Laura @ 09/18/2002 11:26 AM PST

Uh, someone might need this.
Posted by Laura @ 09/18/2002 11:27 AM PST

What is your favorite "nick name" for Vinnie "nick name" Cirilli?
And who comes up with them?
*Of course, since he was attached with the label that will not be named, and since I'm a relative newbie to this list, I'm hoping I'm not bringing up a sore subject...
Posted by Jose C. Simbulan @ 09/18/2002 12:04 PM PST

To Susan Gordon and the East Coasters: I would just like you all to know that you have selected one very auspicious day to have your get-together: my birthday! In a hard-to-believe but reasonably true story, I had an Uncle on my father's side and still thankfully have an Aunt on my mother's side also born on October 6th, and all three of us were/are left-handed! I have since met a statistically unbelievable number of people born on October 6th who were left-handed. It used to be a running joke in our family that if we met a right-handed person born on October 6th, we would tell them, "Sorry, that's incorrect."
Question for Bruce: if you could have any living or dead orchestrator treat your FNM score for its upcoming stage adaptation, who would that be, and why?
Posted by JMK @ 09/18/2002 12:34 PM PST

Question for Bruce: Have you
ever walked out of a musical
either in the middle of an act
or intermission? If yes, what
was it and why did you walk out.
Howdy to everyone else, all you
Bay Areans, come see "Evita" at
Broadway By The Bay in San
Mateo. Sept 20-Oct 6.
bbbay.com
Laters
Posted by Matthew @ 09/18/2002 12:56 PM PST

What happened to your further reviews of THE ALEC GUINESS COLLECTION???
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 09/18/2002 01:14 PM PST

Question 1:
Where does the name Brockhurst Pertwee come from?
Question 2:
I am just about to finish a rewrite of one of my screenplays and I wanted your opinion of people who advertise in magazines like Creative Sceenwriting or have websites like HollywoodScriptAnalysis.com and present themselves as professional readers and give you feedback. Am I better off allowing some friends reading it and saving some money or allowing a "professional" do it?
Question 3: Who Is Jon Brian Blake and Why Is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Bruce Kimmel? You alluded to who or what he is and how he got his information to do what he did. (How did he?) Just who is the person exactly so we can be on the lookout again just in case he tries it again and does it perhaps under another name.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 09/18/2002 01:43 PM PST

Dear Susan:
Too bad the party is not on Saturday or I may have flown up to NYC for the party :-(
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 09/18/2002 01:45 PM PST

Do you use any special program when you are typing either movie or play scripts?
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 09/18/2002 01:49 PM PST

Marshall, Will, and Holly, on a routine expedition,
Met the greatest earthquake ever known.
High on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft.
And plunged them down a thousand feet below
To the Land of the Lost.
Posted by HR Puffenstuff @ 09/18/2002 02:04 PM PST

Okay, since nobody answered my question of yesterday, I will ask it of Bruce:
What do you know about the musical Ta Da!, circa 1980?
I will spare him the brain drain of answering further questions from me, as I think he needs a full brain for his job this week.
But since I neglected to post on the psychic question yesterday, I will relate my one experience with a fortune teller.
Back some decades ago, when I first met my Joe, I was in Greenwich Village and happened past a gypsy fortune teller's storefront headquarters. I said to myself, "What the hell?" and plunked down my however-many-bucks for a Tarot reading.
Well, she tried the old John Edwards (Crossing Over on the SciFi Chanel weeknights at 11:00) trick of tossing some bait in the water to see if anybody saluted. But she kept suggesting a woman: "Your are worried about a short, black-haired woman? A tall blonde woman?" Considering this was in the Village right across the street from the landmark gay bar The Ninth Circle, I thought she was kind of dense to take so long to get the point.
Anyway, we both refuse absolutely to watch "The Pet Psychic" on Animal Planet, especially after the preview: "Crocodile--oh, not crocodile, he's an alligator. He just corrected me." I might believe a primate capable of recognizing English vocabulary to this degree, and even some birds, but not a reptile.
I did take a very intensive non-curricular astrology course at in Madison WI in the sixties. Given the decade, the teacher managed to fill a huge lecture hall for the first few weeks. Then he passed out forms for actually computing a horoscope. At the sight of the dreaded word "logarithm" fully sixty percent of the class didn't return.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/18/2002 02:53 PM PST

Oh, oh, oh! he said, jumping up and down. I must tell you what happened yesterday.
I was in the middle of a somewhat dry lecture on how to compute compound interest (a version of which is still available for Bruce's benefit, if he could only recognize true talent), and we had discussed annual, semiannnual, quarterly, monthly, and daily compounding.
"Well, then, let's try compounding every minute. How many minutes are there in a year?"
Silence. I've done this in years past.
"Has anybody seen Rent?"
What a surprise that fully six students raised their hands in a class of twenty-five! Usually I'm lucky to get only one. And this is forty-five minutes from Broadway, as the song says.
"Then I ask again, how many minutes are there in a year?"
And two or three of them started singing "Seasons of Love".
Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/18/2002 03:02 PM PST

Well, looks like I'll be seeing a community theatre production of Forever Plaid tonight. Somehow, this show has escaped my eyes up until now, so I'm interested to see how it compares to what I've heard about it.
Posted by Jed @ 09/18/2002 03:44 PM PST

To William F. Orr... The reason so many people raised their hands is that RENT is one of those Broadway shows for people who don't go to Broadway shows. I could barely get through the CD. And the only show I want to see where people are wearing headsets is BELLS ARE RINGING.
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 09/18/2002 03:54 PM PST

Good luck on the job, and give 'em hell!
My ONLY question for the day: Whose idea was it on Liz Callaway's Frank Loesser album to change Coke to Diet Coke (in honor of your beverage of choice) in the song, "Standing on ther Corner"?
Posted by Kerry @ 09/18/2002 03:55 PM PST

Best wishes to you BK for all your new endeavours. "Endeavour" was Captain Cook's ship when Discovering ????? Australia so I hope that you too will make some wonderful discoveries (but without wrecking the lives of the indiginant population of course). Good vibes re work finding to out friend Jason. Is "Moby Dick" still in the water?
"Rent" is still a mystery to me. I have palyed the Cd a few times and it is Ok (like revisting "Hair" but I really did not enjoy the stage production. All those microphones really are offputting. (I tolerated them in "Smoky Joe's Cafe" - but it was a non book show).
Question for BK. Spring flowers are out in our garden(The result of my other half's gardening expertise). Do you have any favourite flowers? Have you been known to be a "Wallflower"? When you make cakes do you trust in Self-raising flour or do you use baking powder? The cake question is of course dedicated to reader Kerry. My favourite cake at the moment is a very moist Orange Cake made when you slowly cook the whole orange for use in the cake. Brilliant.
Thanks Susan for the invitation to New York. A collection from our contributers will be needed for me to get there but my passport is still valid. Maybe you can have your computer switched on at the time so I can virtually be there. A great idea for the gathering and particuarly for the H/Ks to meet yourself and BK and each other.
At least I am posting before 1.00 am today!
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 09/18/2002 05:29 PM PST

Susan: The party thing sounds wonderful! Too cool of you to do that. Wish I could be there. :( :)
HR: Your last name is spelled "Pufnstuf," you big silly.
JMK: My husband is a lefty and was born September 29 (Michaelmas, as our British friends out there already know). Is that close enough to count?
BK: Who are the DeBolts? And where did they get 19 kids? KIDDING! Sorry, couldn't resist. My questions (really): Have you ever gotten really really hungry on Yom Kippur and indulged in just an eensy teensy nosh? Are there extenuating circumstances for little kids or old people as far as fasting goes, like with the Catholics?
That is all.
Posted by Lulu @ 09/18/2002 07:07 PM PST

BK: Hope the job's going g-r-e-a-t!
Question:
What is the last book you read?
What attracted you to that particular book?
Who would you recommend that book to?
Posted by td @ 09/18/2002 07:37 PM PST

My 3 questions...
1. Hairspray CD?
2. What's the best thing about your new job and what's the worst thing?
3. When you worked for Varese - did you ever get a letter from a listener that just wow'ed you? What about a nasty letter?
Hope you are having a blast with the new job.
Craig
Posted by Craig @ 09/18/2002 08:06 PM PST

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