haines his way

09/24/2002:
"THE MOON IS A HARSH MISTRESS"

Well, dear readers, here it is, the middle of the night and I cannot sleep. So, here I am, sitting at my handy-dandy laptop computer writing these here notes when I should be fast asleep, getting my beauty rest. I don’t know why I can’t sleep – I woke up at three in the morning and tried to go back to sleep but sleep wasn’t having any of the likes of me. Therefore I cannot promise that these here notes will be in any way coherent. Not that these here notes are in any way coherent most of the time.
We had a lovely time at our signing/reading at Dutton’s in Brentwood last night. A small but fun turnout. I’m told that this is the norm for booksignings these days, save for the biggest of celebrities. Why it is the norm rather than the steve or the bill, I have no idea, but the norm it is. What happens is that many people tell you they will be there, and so you don’t worry about what size crowd will show up, and then eighty percent of the many who told you they would be there don’t show up, just like that. They just don’t show. They don’t call, they don’t write and they don’t show. If I knew they weren’t going to show, I would have made sure to keep getting the word out, but when I’m told that thirty or forty people will be there and I also know that the store couldn’t hold many more than that, then I stop getting the word out. Well, fie on those people. Phut to those people. That’s just not nice. And I do hope those people, many of whom I support on a regular basis (I will go anywhere anytime to support my fellow friends and artistes – I am known for this), will not be in further need of my support because they won’t be getting it. I know that this sounds harsh, but the moon is a harsh mistress. What am I, Jimmy Webb all of a sudden? The moon is a harsh mistress? Well, I don’t know about the moon, but I am a harsh mistress and that’s all there is to that. In any case, I read aloud from the book, and then we all retired to the patio where we partook of Cissy Wechter’s famous bundt cake (both chocolate and lemon), chips, cheese and crackers, wine and Diet Coke. To those who came, my hearty thanks – to those who didn’t, well, the moon is a harsh mistress, baby, and don’t call me, I’ll call you.
I watched a tape of Sunday night’s episode of The Sopranos. Can someone please inform me as to why Mr. James Gandolfini was not even nominated for an Emmy? Can someone just inform me of that? Was anyone from this show nominated? In any case, Sunday’s episode was as good as I’ve seen for this most excellent show. It included a very wicked and funny turn by Linda Lavin as a therapist that Meadow (Jamie Lyn Sigler) goes to. Miss Sigler does get on my nerves a bit with her typically teen voice-rhythms, but it suits the character, I suppose. And the lady who plays the sister of James Gandolfini is so good that I’d like to throw a brick at her – one simply hates that character (which means that the character is working). My only question is this: It appears to me that Miss Edie Falco has had some work done on her face – she doesn’t look quite the same as the first two seasons. Why do people do this? Perhaps I’ll have some work done on my face. Perhaps I’ll have big lips and be stretched to the left and right until I’m a grinning gizmo.
Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button right now. After all, the moon is a harsh mistress and doesn’t look kindly on those who do not click on the Unseemly Button below.

I will be leaving for Minneapolis on Friday, but it’s a very short trip and I’ll be back Sunday morning. Then, shortly thereafter I will head to New York, New York, where we will have our lovely Hainsies/Kimlets bash. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?
The searchers were back in force yesterday, searching for all manner of interesting things. I really do wish that some of these searchers would just come right out and post – then we could help them find what they are looking for and save them the trouble of having to wade through a plethora of notes. It is amusing to see some of these searchers flailing about like beached whales, trying to find this or that. I do know that some of our regular dear readers use our Unseemly Search Box, and I encourage you to do so. But these other searchers are very easy to spot, and as I said, I do wish they’d just come out with it and then we could help them with their apparently never-ending quests. The final thing I would like to say to those searchers (and you know who you are) is the moon is a harsh mistress – don’t mess with the moon. What the hell am I talking about?
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must go on the freeway and drive to work, where I will work all the livelong day. You must keep the posts up because I need good reading material during the day. You must do your bit because it helps lighten the day. Today’s topics of discussion: Name your favorite Jimmy Webb songs. I’ll start – Up, Up and Away, By the Time I Get To Phoenix, Wichita Lineman (I love that song), the entire A Tramp Shining album (which includes Didn’t We and MacArthur Park) and a good deal of The Yard Went on Forever album. I also love All I Know. Your turn. Second topic of discussion: Let’s say we’re going to do a revival of West Side Story. The haineshisway.com revival of West Side Story. Put together the worst possible cast of currently working Broadway, film and TV people that you can think of.

Replies: 40 Unseemly Comments

Neither the Sopranos nor any of its cast members were nominated for an Emmy because no new episodes were broadcast during the time period of eligibility covered in Sunday's awards.
Posted by steveg @ 09/24/2002 05:23 AM PST

When it comes to "worst possible casts," how can you top the execrable SOUTH PACIFIC with Kiri Te Kanawa as Nellie Forbush and tenor Jose Carreras as the famously basso Emile DeBecque? And I love Sarah Vaughan as much as anybody, but as Bloody Mary? No.
Come to think of it, a lot of the same names were already involved in a pretty badly cast WSS, haven't they?
Posted by Pam @ 09/24/2002 07:46 AM PST

Enjoy Minneapolis, my (and Mary Richard's) hometown! Actually, that's not true, Mary was born and raised in southern Minnesota, I believe, where her father was a doctor and her mother was Nanette Fabray. She came to Minneapolis after a broken romance.
I'll come back later with a worst cast scenario.
Posted by Ben @ 09/24/2002 08:10 AM PST

Totally off every current subjest, I thought Cloris Leachman looked great on the Emmy's. And she had one of the best dresses there: classic looking, elegant and most of all, flattering. Remember flattering?
Jimmy Webb: I do love "Didn't We" and "MacArthur Park" is good. I'l have to think about this as well as West Side Story.
Posted by Kerry @ 09/24/2002 08:17 AM PST

A worst case scenario WEST SIDE STORY? Ooh. This could get ugly.
How about Nathan Lane as Tony and Lea Delaria as Maria?
Posted by Jay @ 09/24/2002 08:23 AM PST

Favorite Jimmy Webb song? Has to be "The Highwayman," but it also has to be Webb's original recording. Dividing the song into four separate parts, as sung by Kristofferson, Nelson, et al, destroys the sense of the song, that this is one man who faces reincarnation, with a tang of tragedy hovering over each of his lives. There was another song, "Marionette," with an enchanting 3/4 melody. I know Webb himself recorded it, I think Garfunkle did a cover.
Ah, for the days when record labels let their artists perform their charts, rather than just perform on the charts.
Posted by S. Woody White @ 09/24/2002 08:24 AM PST

Maria: Christine Aguilera
Tony: Justin Timberlake
Anita: Britney Spears
Riff: Vin Diesel
Bernardo: Ricky Martin
It's totally UNimaginable!
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 09/24/2002 08:49 AM PST

Oh, let's the try the star couples turn:
Maria: Melanie Griffiths
Tony: Antonio Banderas
-I know this is opposite type, but, hey, some producer would try to make it work.
My worst case scenario for a movie has always been Melanie Griffiths opposite Kevin Costner. With both of them "acting" on screen, that would make for one long evening in the cinema.
Oh, and for Anita: Maria Conchita Alonso
Jimmy Webb song: "MacArthur Park"
Posted by Jose C. Simbulan @ 09/24/2002 09:12 AM PST

A cast of current or recent Broadway performers who are all very talented and all very wrong for WEST SIDE STORY:
Tony...Jessie Tyler Ferguson
Maria...Bernadette Peters
Anita...Marissa Jaret Winakour
Riff...Tommy Tune
Bernardo...Michael Crawford
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 09/24/2002 09:59 AM PST

Did any of our cherished dear readers make it to the FUNNY GIRL benefit concert performance last night in New York? (You know, the one with about 800 people slated to take a slice of the role of Fanny.) If so, can we implore you to file a report?
Posted by Jay @ 09/24/2002 10:02 AM PST

Well, these are some great casting choices. The pathetic thing is they probably would use Ricky Martin as Bernardo, and it would probably sell out.
Maria: Marin Mazzie (I'd believe her as a Puerto Rican, wouldn't you?)
Tony: Gary Beach
Riff: Lee Wilkof
Anita: Harvey Feirstein
Posted by bk @ 09/24/2002 10:03 AM PST

By the way, since "The Sopranos" was mentioned here, am I the only one who doesn't understand all the hoopla and praise (not to mention praise and hoopla) this show gets? First of all, the way it glorifies organized crime and makes Mafioso heroes does not appeal to me (I felt the same way about "The Godfather" films). When the first season was run a second time I watched the first episode to see what I was missing, and outside of the late Nancy Marchand's performance I was bored stiff. Does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 09/24/2002 10:04 AM PST

Worst Cast Scenario
Maria - Sarah Jessica Parker
Tony (who else) - Matthew Broderick
Anita - Andrea Martin
Riff - John Dosset
Bernardo - Peter Scolari
Posted by Ben @ 09/24/2002 10:22 AM PST

Jay---
I was not at the FUNNY GIRL benefit, but for a complete report including which Fanny did what go to Ken Mandelbaum's Broadway Insider today at http://WWW.Broadway.Com/ . The only thing he doesn't mention is if it was recorded or not, but I would assume it was.
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 09/24/2002 11:07 AM PST

West Side Story starring:
Jenna Elfman as Maria
Adam Sandler as Tony
Nell Carter as Anita
Cheech Martin as Riff
Macauley Culkin as Bernardo
ok.. and if it was done by the muppets:
Janice as Maria
Kermit as Tony
Miss Piggy as Anita
Fozzy Bear as Riff
Scooter as Bernardo
Posted by Craig @ 09/24/2002 11:13 AM PST

What about Lea Delaria as Tony and Nathan Lane as Maria!?!?
Posted by George @ 09/24/2002 11:16 AM PST

Mr. William E. Lurie--
Thank you for showing me the way. I will check it out.
Posted by Jay @ 09/24/2002 11:17 AM PST

RE: The Sopranos - It took me a while to warm up to the series myself. I actually watched most of the first season when it originally aired. Good acting, and it was always fun trying to figure out which New Jersey and New York locations they were using for exteriors. It's not on my "must watch" list - unlike Six Feet Under is for me - but if I'm able to sit and watch an episode, then I do.
I'm not sure if the series truly glorifies the mafioso lifestyle. It does show the down side of it all - how Tony has to hide almost all the time from his family, how Carmella seems to be in a state of active denial about her husband's line of work, how the "good guys" truly aren't that good, etc.
I guess I would say The Sopranos "glorifies" the mafia, just as much as OZ "glorifies" life in prison. Neither show is saying that either way of life is a good thing. They are just portraying a part of it.
Oh, my favorite West Side Story spoof was on John Leguizamo's short-lived series on Fox. He had a nicely produced segment where a gang was out looking for trouble, and then they came across it. But the rival gang turned out to be the cast of Cats. It was a great segment.
Posted by Jose C. Simbulan @ 09/24/2002 11:37 AM PST

Oops?!?!?
Posted by Jose C. Simbulan @ 09/24/2002 11:39 AM PST

Well, I guess that didn't fix it.. The italics. I'm pretty sure I turned them off, but I guess I didn't.
-Calling Mr. Bakalor...
My apologies for slanting today's discussions.
Posted by Jose C. Simbulan @ 09/24/2002 11:42 AM PST

In addition to the Ken Mandelbaum column, there is a great posting about the show at rec.arts.theatre.musicals. It was posted by Matthew Murray and goes into far more detail than did Mandelbaum.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 09/24/2002 12:34 PM PST

One more try:
Italics anyone?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/24/2002 01:05 PM PST

Begone! I say, begone, italics!
Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/24/2002 01:06 PM PST

Anyway, José, I seem to remember an episode on Leguizamo's show where there was a real PR gang cruising the streets looking for a fight, and they ran into the Sharks, who just wanted to dance. Did he do it more than once?
My favorite segment was the quiz show "Blame the Jews" with the trick question about the alledged murderer of two people: "I'm sorry, the correct answer is 'Blame the Juice.'"
Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/24/2002 01:13 PM PST

Tony: Harvey Fierstein
Maria: Rosie O'Donnell
Riff: Chip Zien
Anita: Carol Channing
Ugh, I'm nauseous just having typed it!
Posted by Jed @ 09/24/2002 01:24 PM PST

Oh, how about this version of West Side Story - totally belted!:
Tony: Sam Harris
Maria: Pia Zadora
Anita: Liza Minelli
Riff: Mandy Patinkin
Bernardo: Tom Jones
With a special appearance by Robert Goulet as Krupke/Doc!
-Oh, and anybody else semi-regret buying that pop disc "Songs from West Side Story" that came out a few years ago?
Posted by Jose C. Simbulan @ 09/24/2002 02:08 PM PST

Liza would be a fine Anita.
Maria: Jennifer Aniston
Tony: Brad Pitt
Riff: Nicholas Cage
Bernardo: John Travolta
Anita: Cher
Officer Krupke: Denzel Washington
Doc: Whoopi Goldberg
Posted by bk @ 09/24/2002 02:20 PM PST

completely off topic.....but I am trying to get some information for a friend, and, since I am at work, I don't have any of my theatre reference resources here with me...here are the two questions
1. What character did Donald Novis play in the Rodgers & Hart musical "JUMBO?" (he sings The Most Beautiful Girl In The World and would be considered the young male lead)
2. What songs does Tony Roberts sing in "HOW NOW, DOW JONES" other than Step To The Rear?
If you have either answer, please email me
Thanks,
DONALD
Posted by Donald @ 09/24/2002 02:23 PM PST

Art Garfunkel's "Watermark" album is a Jimmy Webb song album and is beautiful.(There are 2 non Webb songs). The album includes the above mentioned "Marionette" and "Crying in My Sleep". "Mr Shuck N Jive" is also reasonable well known.
Love Jose's suggestion for WSS.
Ron. They might just do that!(will email you re Five Pennies)
For those who care (like me), Mr Garfunkel's new album is out in October.
Good to see someone else say Six Feet Under as requires viewing Jose. I really care about the Fisher Family. I have never been so hooked on a show.
Might get back to WSS later.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 09/24/2002 02:28 PM PST

thanks everyone! I got the answers to both questions....
Posted by Donald @ 09/24/2002 03:09 PM PST

Ahh, Jose, you read my mind!
I almost put Patinkin as Riff
myself!
Posted by Jed @ 09/24/2002 03:19 PM PST

For their tenth season, the cast of Friends will perform "West Side Story." While which cast member will play which role (or roles) is still unconfirmed, it would appear Lisa Kudrow has a lock on Anybodys.
Just remembered another Webb song, performed by Webb. Title: "Asleep on the Wind," has some of the most haunting lyrics about sustaining love against the odds ever written. Wish I could remember the title of the album it was on, as the title track was an instrumental, long and lush, which sequed into AotW. As a coupling, the two tracks were knockouts. Again, no one does that sort of thing any more.
Posted by S. Woody White @ 09/24/2002 03:34 PM PST

Favorite Jim Webb song: Your "title
tune" "The Moon's A Harsh
Mistress", one of the great
heartcrushers of all time (especially
in the poignant Judy Collins
version).
"The Paper Chase" which is part of
"A Tramp Shining" (as I recall) but, I
agree, all of that album.
Also several of his songs for Art
Garfunkle: "That's All I Know".
Didn't Webb score an obscure
animated film called "The Last
Unicorn" (or something like that)? I
remember the music was very nice.
Posted by Ross Care @ 09/24/2002 04:50 PM PST

I am jiggy with these posts, oh, yes, I am jiggy. I am also tiiiiiiiiiiiired. Overtired. Over being tired. Paper Chase is indeed from A Tramp Shining, and a great song. How many have the CD with both Tramp Shining and The Yard Went on Forever on it? It's really wonderful.
Posted by bk @ 09/24/2002 05:06 PM PST

IMHO "A Tramp Shining" is one of
the GREAT concept albums of all
time, really a contemporary song
cycle in the best sense of the term.
And Webb is a unique songwriter
who has managed to be both
commerical - let's not forget "Up Up
and Away" - AND deeply personal.
Every song on "Tramp" is a gem
(and the great "Didn't We" got quite a
few effective cover versions, one, I
believe, by the late great Peggy
Lee).
But I really don't know the "Yard"
album so it would be great to have
both on one CD. I hope it's still
available.
I think both albums helped land
Richard Harris the lead in
CAMELOT too.
BTW Art G. covered "Paper Chase"
on one of his albums
Posted by Ross @ 09/24/2002 05:38 PM PST

Of course, if you want a really bad cast, put ME in the show.
Posted by Laura @ 09/24/2002 08:27 PM PST

I can't believe that since I checked at midnight last night (which was only 9:00 on the West Coast) there have been no new posts and it's now almost nine hours later. Does this here board shut down at night? Do most people read and post only at work? Let's see some action here twenty-four hours a day!
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 09/25/2002 05:50 AM PST

Posted by William E. Lurie @ 09/24/2002 11:07 AM PST
West Side Story starring:
Jenna Elfman as Maria
Adam Sandler as Tony
Nell Carter as Anita
Cheech Martin as Riff
Macauley Culkin as Bernardo
NO GOOD! The audience would CHEER when Tony gets stabbed in the end.
Posted by Cris @ 09/01/2003 01:19 AM PST

Posted by William E. Lurie @ 09/24/2002 11:07 AM PST
West Side Story starring:
Jenna Elfman as Maria
Adam Sandler as Tony
Nell Carter as Anita
Cheech Martin as Riff
Macauley Culkin as Bernardo
NO GOOD! The audience would CHEER when Tony gets stabbed in the end.
Posted by Cris @ 09/01/2003 01:21 AM PST

Posted by William E. Lurie @ 09/24/2002 11:07 AM PST
West Side Story starring:
Jenna Elfman as Maria
Adam Sandler as Tony
Nell Carter as Anita
Cheech Martin as Riff
Macauley Culkin as Bernardo
NO GOOD! The audience would CHEER when Tony gets stabbed in the end.
Posted by Cris @ 09/01/2003 01:22 AM PST

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