Et al. Et al, et al, et al. Did you ever wonder who it was, exactly, that et Al, and also who it was that taught him and/or her such atrocious grammar? And what of Al? What did he have to say for himself regarding the aforesaid experience of being et? Kindly send your various and sundried suggestions to bruce@haineshisway.com. And pray, dear readers, do not put a lecherous spin on my whimsical musings, lest you should be subjected to a dramatic reading of The Highly Ribald Misadventures of Al and the Randy Vicar.

Posted by Lulu @ 10/05/2002 08:36 AM PST

Good morning, dear readers. These notes will have to be short and pithy, because I have things to do and places to go and people to meet and thumbs to twiddle. Now there is a word: twiddle. Who ever thought up such a word, I ask you. It is reserved for thumbs. Can you twiddle your eyes? Can you twiddle your nostrils, or even your toes? No. Thumbs alone can you twiddle. And it just sits there on the page, like the puddle where the poodle made the twiddle. (Sondheim reference.)

What the hell am I talking about?

Last night I dreamed I was at Manderly. I tell a lie. I did not dream that at all. Last night my Joe and I were bemoaning the "New AMC"--American Movie Classics, a U.S. cable channel, for our non-Usonian readers.

The "new AMC" seems to consist of two revisions in the format of said channel: 1) A "classic" is any movie that got big box offic hype in the eighties or nineties; 2) Lots and lots more commercials, on a channel that used to interrupt a film once only in the middle to give viwers a chance to make a puddle or a piddle while they twiddle. Damn them! Damn them all to hell!

But then at midnight or so, we flipped the channel to AMC and there was The Creature from the Black Lagoon, which we both dearly love, despite Mr. Bruce Kimmel's assessment of it as "cheesy". Not nearly as cheesy as the pizza we had the other night.

And then we got up this morning to find them showing Sabrina. The real Billy Wilder Sabrina, not the splashy remake. Still loaded with commercials every ten minutes, but at least a genuine classic. Two and a half hours with the ads. (We started taping in the middle so as to watch it later, since we have things to do and places to go and people to meet.)

So it seems they have relegated the classics to the late night and early morning when nobody is watching anyway, and are devoting prime time to agressively making themselves look like every other cable channel.

Well, enough of this idle chit-chat. I must off. I must do the things I do. I must drive my car about Long Island. I must prepare myself for tomorrow night's gala festivities. But I shall stop in from time to time to check on these here notes.

So do not be errant and truant, or even truant and errant. Post away, my pretties.

Posted by William F. Orr @ 10/05/2002 09:21 AM PST

Well, dear readers I have two (count them, two) announcements this morning: 1) please reserve your pointy hats, pantaloons and cake (chocolate, I must insist) for tomorrow's NYC meeting of Hainsies and Kimlets, where I hope they will raise a glass (and/or piece of cake) and toast me (can one toast someone with cake?) on my birthday. I will be officially old enough tomorrow where I can no longer claim to be prematurely gray. 2) Dear readers with acute recall may remember dear reader Bruce Kimmel's very nice comments on my new musical Starcrossed back 'round Passover time when Bruce and I visited in La-la land. I am so pleased to say rehearsals for a demo recording have started, featuring the fantabulous Susannah Mars and Adair Chappell as, respectively, Frances Farmer and Judy Garland. Starcrossed is based upon a real-life 1967 meeting between these two legendary survivors in Indianapolis after Judy's last stateside concert before moving to England. Those of you living in the NW, or willing to visit, keep your fingers (and/or stars) crossed, as a staged reading, if not a fully mounted production, seems to be gathering momentum for early 2003.

Posted by JMK @ 10/05/2002 09:44 AM PST

Well, it is beautiful and sunny day here in Richmond, VA. Quite appropriate weather for a breakfast of chunks of ham and cheese whilst wearing a pointy hat.

By the way (btw, in internet lingo), I did not have a breakfast of chunks of ham and cheese this morning, rather, I had a rather splendid omelet filled to the brim with feta cheese and spinach. -And who knew an omelet could have a brim? Could you wear one on your head? And what would one call such a creation? And would you wear it sunny-side up or over easy? Or maybe even scrambled?

What is it with all those questions? Have I suddenly became Barbara Walters?

-Look, there, more questions.

Well, I finally seized the day, yesterday, and headed to the aforementioned State fair. And, yes, as you heard here before, I proceeded to gorge myself on all sorts of foodstuffs fried and/or on a stick. Some of the treats were quite sinful and indulgent, but some of them I'll know better to take a pass on the next time they are offered to me. Maybe a piece of cake instead. The fried Oreos seemed to be the winner of the day. Who knew they were in a contest? In any case, I had planned weeks ago to take a break from diet for the day once the fair came to town. And once it did, I came to it.

After my morning and afternoon of gastronomical delights at the State Fair - which was a great State Fair (an R&H reference), I spent the evening in the company of my dear friend, Leigh, and we proceeded to enjoy a concert by the National Symphony that featured Andre Watts as the soloist in the Brahms' Second Piano Concerto. Or for you syntaxologists out there, the Piano Concerto, No. 2 by Johannes Brahms. It truly was a splendid performance, and the audience seemed rather well-behaved and not too sniffly and snorty. Except, of course, for the gentleman next to us who just just breathed rather loudly through the first half of the program. We thought he was falling asleep, but, apparently after "listening" to the brief scolding his wife gave him once the intersmission lights went up, we realized that he just breathed loudly. In fact, in those instances where said gentleman was taking a nap, he was rather quiet. All was remedied for the second half of the program which consisted of said pianist, Andre Watts, playing said Piano Concerto, no. 2, by said composer, Brahms.

Three "said"s in that sentence. Said, said, said... A past tense reference to Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson.

FYI, (that's For Your Information in internet/non-internet lingo) the program opened up with a short suite of music by the English composer Joseph Phibbs. Quite modern, almost film-like. Hints of Varese, Poulenc, Stravinksy abounded. And the symphony members played very convincingly throughout each of the five movemements. That was then followed by a reading of Felix Mendelssonhn's Reformation Symphony. Although the performance was very well done, I did not find myself reformed after the piece was played. But I shudder to think to what I could have been reformed? A piece of cake? An Unseemly Button? -shudder, shudder...

Well, dear Hainesies/Kimlets, I must seize the day, today, Saturday, and proceed to get in my 93 Ford Escort Wagon (which just hit 170,000 miles the other night, and continues to run beautifully) and trek to regions known and unknown. Mainly known. And just because a region is unknown to me, does that mean it is unknown to everyone? When a tree falls in the forest...

Well, just as long as it doesn't fall on top of a Hainesie or Kimlet. Good day.

Posted by Jose C. Simbulan @ 10/05/2002 09:58 AM PST

Well, dear readers, last night I watched a video of the Donny and Marie Show. The guest stars were Cindy Williams and Bruce Kimmel. Oh, what a fun show. They don't write shows like that any more. Nor do they style hair like that any more. And may I say that Bruce Kimmel looks quite smashing in a sparkling silver tux, in my opinion (IMO in internet lingo).

My, that was a long and pointless paragraph, wasn't it? What the hell am I talking about?

Last night I dreamed I was at Manderley. In my dream, Jason Graae had been hired by a local high school to play the lead in their play. Isn't that just too too? Does anyone know what the ell I'm talking about? Did anyone notice I just typed the word ell instead of hell?

Well, dear readers, I must take the day. I must do the things I do. I must drive around in my automobile transporting able-bodied teenagers wherever they want to go, whist dodging spat-out jelly beans from the back seat.

Today's topic -- Have you ever shoved a jelly bean up your nose? I have not. Your turn. Post away, my pretties.

Posted by Laura @ 10/05/2002 10:44 AM PST

Well, dear readers, today is Saturday, and since it is Saturday, our very own Dear Reader Megan will be joining me and my mom at our very own house where we will eat sugar-free foodstuffs and drink sugar-free beverages. We will probably watch a video. We only own one, so it will most likely be that one. Unless I can convince my mom to rent Big Top Pee Wee... again. The one we own is Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This is British comedy at its finest: floating duck witches, violence inherent in the system, and migrating coconuts. After that, my dad will probably give us ten dollars to go away so he can watch the baseball game without us galloping around the house whilst banging coconuts together. So you can see that I have a busy, busy, busy (that's three busys) day ahead of me.

I see that Dear Reader Laura brings up the topic of jelly beans. That reminds me... Dear Reader Megan and I recently came across a box of Harry Potter Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. Included flavors were dirt, vomit, boogers, earwax, grass, spinach, and sardine. I have tried all of them (except the sardine), though I had to spit out a few of them. And I kinda liked the earwax. Today's topic of discussion: What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favorite color? Sandra, finish this fershluganah English paper, and plaid. Your turn.

Posted by Sandra @ 10/05/2002 10:46 AM PST

What terrific Kimmel impressions we have here. Will the real Bruce Kimmel please stand up? Frank Gorshin perhaps?

ATTENTION, PARTYGOERS!

Are there any Long Island people out there who plan to drive in to the City tomorrow for the festivies? Perhaps we can car-pool it. If the pool isn't too deep. My Joe and I live in Huntington.

Please e-mail me at the link below (not at my work address, which I try to avoid checking on the weekends.)

That's all.

Thank you for your attention.

You may now return to your usual activities.

Posted by William F. Orr @ 10/05/2002 11:44 AM PST

A simple question of weight ratios for Professor Orr: Can a five ounce bird carry a one pound coconut?

Posted by Math Student @ 10/05/2002 11:55 AM PST

What if two swallows carried it together?

Posted by Another math student @ 10/05/2002 11:58 AM PST

Well dear readers, it is Saturday. Now, Saturday is usually a day of
relaxation and nothingness, or occasionally even nothingness and
relaxation, for me. I can sleep in until some unseemly late hour, and then proceed to lay about my apartment like so much Saturday fish. But is this Saturday one of those relaxing Saturdays of empty schedule for yours truly? No, it most certainly is not. Of course, I presume you presumed that, for if it were a Saturday of that sort, I presume I would not of brought the matter up at all. My, that sentence was a bit presumptuous of me, wasn't it? So why is this not a Saturday of said sort (say that five times fast!), you might ask, and I might tell you, for who am I to keep such knowledge from you? In fact to keep such knowledge from you would be as distasteful as a diarrhetic baboon, which I'm sure you'll all agree are quite distasteful. This is not one of those delightful Saturdays because my supervisor is on vacation meaning that I must be at work on this Saturday. I believe this makes my supervisor akin to a diarrhetic baboon.

Did any one notice that that was a rather Kimmelian paragraph? I like a fluid paragraph, a Kimmelian paragraph...oh, a First Nudie Musical reference, of sorts.

Speaking of TFNM, yesterday morning I was taking a piano test so that I may graduate from my music department, and the professor administering the test said, "Alright, let's hear some scales." It took quite a bit of willpower to not begin singing ala Miss Joy Full. I did, however, chuckle slightly to myself. Of course, said professor knew not of what I was chuckling and proceeded to look at me as if I were a diarrhetic baboon or something.

My goodness, looking out the window I see that the wind is here with a vengeance. Why the wind is vengeful is anyone's guess, but vengeful it is, whipping branches to and fro, fro and to. I suppose that makes working on this Saturday a bit more tolerable, knowing that I'm not missing a lovely central Washington day. But still, I am missing delightful fishlike lounging. What I need to help me make it through this working Saturday is posts, posts, posts! (That is three posts, but of course we need far more than that!) Post away, my pretties.

Posted by Jed @ 10/05/2002 01:21 PM PST

I knew you could do it, dear readers, and you have, in fact, done it. What "it" thinks about that I have no idea. Here I am in New York, New York, in a lovely pink room (and I do mean PINK) at the Wyndham Hotel, last updated in 1962. I am in a suite. In the bedroom of said suite are two tiny beds. There is also a television set circa 1962. Originally I was just going to be in a room but they upgraded me to a suite - the reason for this is because there is no air conditioning in the living room portion of the suite. There is A/C in the bedroom, however, so I'm perfectly fine and dandy. That is all at this time.

Posted by bk @ 10/05/2002 02:13 PM PST

Well, dear readers, here I am at my very own Aunt Laura's house. Tonight, Aunt Laura and I will eat ham chunks and cheese slices, and my cousin will whip up some of her unseemly bread and butter salad. Sandra asked me if I wanted to rent Big Top Pee Wee (again). Needless to say, I looked askance at her.

I'd better wrap these notes up because the cleaning lady (Aunt Laura) is giving me the evil eye. Maybe when Uncle Don gives us money to go away, we can go to Organ Stop. Today's topic of discussion: What songs should I request at Organ Stop? Post away.

Posted by Megan @ 10/05/2002 03:09 PM PST

The all and sundried readers are up and about and doing the things that they must do. That is wonderful in my book. p(123 Chapter 13 "What I find wonderful").One of our dear readers has had notification that "ShowMusic" will be giving refunds - He too is sceptical as they claim they have not processed his renewal It is already on his mastercard. I must now up and away (a Superman reference from Stouse & Adams) to do the things that I must do today. "Pow! Bam! Zonk! (and that Dear Readers is not from "Batman - the musical".At present the birds in my garden are singing the complete works of Andrew LW so I shall leave the house before it becomes all too repetitive. You must all put on your creative party hats, dance the hora if appropriate and post post post.

Posted by Tom Guest (from OZ) @ 10/05/2002 03:10 PM PST

Wow! I feel like I'm reading a "The Best of...." column today!

William's assessment of AMC is pretty much mine. I DO mind the incessant commercial breaks, though. I watched "Hoosiers" one night last week. The final 10 minutes of the film had FIVE -- Count 'Em FIVE -- commercial breaks -- two minutes of movie, 90 seconds of break. It totally ruined the rhythm of the film...and if you know "Hoosiers," it's doubly damning because those minutes show this little Hickory, Indiana, basketball team winning the state title in Indianapolis.

It's a stirring finale to the film...and RUINED by AMC's hamfisted disregard for the film.

I think it fair to alert you all that "sometimes", they show a film without breaks -- I caught "Mr. Deeds Comes to Town" one afternoon a month ago. All was wonderful until the final two minutes of the film -- when they seemingly "broke" for a commercial, only they never got back to the movie and, instead, went into a "Back Story" on some stupid box office flop.

I was furious, I was livid, I was very upset. I fired off a very strongly worded e-mail of protest that date.

Lately, however, it seems they've been "soliciting" viewer feedback.

I've sent them another less-heated opinion of the new AMC -- one that has little regard for the flow of the film, one that seldom has any regard for the original ratio of the films, and one that seemingly has zero regard for the IQ of its viewers.

www.amcfeedback.com is where it's at, my brothers and sisters. It's your chance to be heard!

Did anyone other than I imagine BK at one of NYC's finer establishments? With terry cloth bathrobes, a suite with two floors, and a bar to die for???

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 10/05/2002 06:16 PM PST

Dear Reader Ron,

Did you see me in "Hoosiers?" I was there, you know...somewhere in that seething mass of humanity in the bleachers at the final Big Game. I met Gene Hackman and saw Barbara Hershey; kept looking around for Dennis Hopper but, unbeknownst to me at the time (though knownst to me now), his character wasn't at the Big Game because he was busy Drying Out. I was...let's see now...14, I do believe.

I have been simply seething over the increasingly corrupted mess that AMC is becoming for quite some time now. I think I will indeed send them some feedback ("Rally, ah will"). I doubt it'll do any good; they seem specifically to be courting the 15-22 year old, IQ between 70-85, net annual income of $18k "but goldurn it, I've got me a buncha credit cards and I'm gonna use 'em" set. Anyway, that's what I surmise from the fact that AMC, former home of Constance Bennett and Cary Grant (among others), has shown Revenge of the Nerds and Bachelor Party approximately 738 times this month (and it's only October 5).

Whew! My fingers are tired. Think I'll give 'em a rest.

Posted by Lulu @ 10/05/2002 06:52 PM PST

Lulu: You said a cotton-pickin' mouth full!

Only I wasn't aware the target audience income was so high!

(Are you identifiable in the seething masses? And are you in the "big game" scenes? Are you a "Hickory" supporter or rooting for the "other" team?

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 10/05/2002 08:10 PM PST

Well, dear readers, my, my, my (that is three my's), you are all most prolific. In my humble opinion (IMHO in internet lingo) I have never seen such wonderful notes. These here notes have to be the best notes I've ever read. Not the best notes I've ever heard. Those were heard at a concert with Anna Moffo and Groucho Marx to celebrate the anniversary of the creation of Hupmobile. What the hell am I talking about?
I am off to do the things I do which mainly consist of letting my dear sweet dog (MDSD in internet lingo) outside, then letting her inside, then letting her outside, .....Well, you get my drift. And if you do get my drift, please give it back to me; I'm lost without it. And what the hell are you doing with my drift in the first place?

Posted by Kerry @ 10/05/2002 08:57 PM PST

Now I suggest that we all stand up, tip our pointy party hats, and congratulate Dear Reader BK on his arrival in Nouveau York. Glad you stopped lurking and posted on this here web site, Dear Reader BK.

(Coconuts? I don't know from coconuts. My specialty in mathematics is kumquats and mangos.)

Posted by William F. Orr @ 10/05/2002 09:17 PM PST

(And now...MY BK impersonation -- me, as it were, in the style of BK):

I'm jiggy with that sentiment, Dear Reader Kerry. Oh my yes, I am jiggy with it.

Whenever I'm this jiggy I put on my pointy hat, colored tights and pantaloons and break out the ham chunks and cheese slices and I dance...I dance the polka and the samba and the hora and the bossa nova. If I knew how to shag, I'd do the shag.

Oh, yes, yes yes.

What the HELL am I talking about?

Last night, I WAS in Manderley and Mrs. Danvers was pissed!

That's the American version of pissed (as in "pissed off") rather than the Anglican (as in "tipsy" or "drunk"). Although that may have been part of Dani's problem all along...drinking alone to get over her grief...and to steel herself into that major tight-a***d housekeeper we all know and loathe.

Did I mention I was totally jiggy with Dear Reader Kerry's [i]Post du Jour[/i] (that's PDJ in Internet lingo). How many of you have animals you must let in and out and in and out and in and out. What a dizzying prospect.

Well, there are things I must do and I must attend to not doing them. I plan on sitting in front of my TV and not watching the pile of DVDs that continues to grow.

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 10/05/2002 09:22 PM PST

(i)Post du Jour(/i)

Posted by The Italics-challenged poster @ 10/05/2002 09:24 PM PST

Ah, nertz!

Posted by Killjoy @ 10/05/2002 09:24 PM PST

Well well well! That should be deep enough to hide in. I have indeed been errant and remiss. This week's trivia question was inadvertently (not to be confused with advertently) left off the column.
Question: Which "B" grade actor in mostly westerns had his or her first break as a gypsy in a broadway show that lasted for over a week and was written by a well known composer who went on to gain fame in another field quite removed from theatre? The actor married the best friend of the sister of the dance captain of the musical in which he/she first appeared. Clue - the sister had a pet that appeared in commercials on television in another country.
Name the actor. Name the sister. Name the composer. Name the first western in which the actor received billing above anyone else. Bonus question. Name the pet and give a brief account of its training regime.
Don't forget. All answers should be posted to "Ask BK" and not posted here. A handy dandy prize will be sent to the winner (or chosen from the winners by the electronic hat device so loved by all you dear readers).

Posted by Tom from OZ @ 10/05/2002 10:25 PM PST

Tom, Tom, Tom!

Malicious and delicious, simultaneously!

Tell me, Tom. Ever run across a red-bellied black snake? I understand they're among the most venomous snakes in the world and that they often are found in Australian suburbs. (Yes, I've been watching Animal Planet...procrastinating against watching "Auntie Mame" on DVD).

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 10/06/2002 12:23 AM PST

Well, well, well (that's three, count them, wells and not one of them dry) I am back from errancy and truancy in Spain and am jigging about in my pointy hat dancing the hora with joy to be back, I can tell you.

Unlike BK, I stayed in hotels which didn't know from air conditioning, at least not when they considered the weather to be 'fresh'. In my humble opinion (IMHO in internet speak) a temperature of 85 with high humidity could in no way be regarded as 'fresh', apart from maybe to dear reader Laura in Arizona where 85 degrees is no doubt regarded as winter.

Many of you dear readers have posted answers to Tom from Oz's trivia question but they are all wrong, wrong I tell you. As far as I am concerned there is only one pet which fits the criteria listed in the question. Remember we are talking about a pet which appeared in commercials in another country. I do not consider Cleveland to be another country. (Except, perhaps ... brief Sondheim reference).

Now I must take the day, for this is a new day here, as it is not yet for most of our dear readers (apart from Tom where it has been many a new day (brief Rodgers and Hammerstein reference) for some time).

Post away my pretties who are still awake.

By the way (BTW in internet lingo), Tom from Oz - I have some news about Philip Quast's CD - email me with your email address and we'll 'converse'!

Posted by Allan @ 10/06/2002 01:29 AM PST