Replies: 60 Unseemly Comments
Brian DePalma doesn't use technology. He's a real filmmaker.
That may be my new favorite joke. ;-)
Posted by Henny Youngman @ 05/24/2003 08:51 AM PST
Like him or hate him, Henny baby, he knows film. I don't like most of his movies but he has style, which most "directors" working today don't. He is a classicist in terms of cinema and I'll take that any day over boring and bland, or computer generated shots. And Carrie and Phantom of the Paradise remain favorites of mine.
Posted by bk @ 05/24/2003 09:08 AM PST
Three passengers on an airplane, a priest, a boy scout, and a business man.
Pilot comes running back - says the airplane is going to crash throws them two parachutes, takes the third and jumps out.
Businessman says: I am the world's smartest man, the world needs me.
He grabs one of the parachutes and jumps out.
Priest says: You take the last parachute, young man you have your whole life ahead of you.
Boy scout says: Don't worry, Father. We both have parachute. The world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.
8-D
Posted by Jrand52 @ 05/24/2003 09:08 AM PST
This has to be quick since I have to head out very soon - VERY soon - to get to the matinee...
Here's a oldie, but a goodie - and a quickie..
*NOTE: Best told in the voice of a seven or eight-year old boy who doesn't really know why the joke is funny.
What is the difference between a Snow Man and a Snow Woman?
(All together now....)
Snowballs!
(remember, there is no groaning here at HHW...)
Posted by Jose C. Simbulan @ 05/24/2003 09:26 AM PST
Here's one of my favorite jokes - this one takes some imagination because the voice is crucial. Anyways, here goes. Why are pirates always angry? Now in your best pirate voice - They just arrrrrrrre. HaHaHa!! Isn't that great? Isn't that just too too?
Posted by JB aka JK @ 05/24/2003 10:19 AM PST
The talking-duck-on-the-head joke from "My Favorite Year." Maybe someone remembers it and can post it.
Posted by Laura @ 05/24/2003 10:24 AM PST
My favorite joke (and it gets them everytime):
Q: What's the difference between a rueben sandwich and blow job?
(Don't know?)
A: Then you can take me to lunch tomorrow.
remember - NO GROANING ON HHW!
(and if I can't say "b* j," insert "oral sexual activity).
Posted by td @ 05/24/2003 11:55 AM PST
What do you call a man who is Welch and Hungarian?
Well-Hung
Posted by MDS @ 05/24/2003 11:57 AM PST
Don't Remember the Duck Joke. Was is in the movie or just the stage version.
California? You can't write comedy in California! It's not depressing enough!
Jews know two things: suffering, and where to find great Chinese food.
Benjy: I think I'm going to be ill.
Alan
Alan: Ladies are ill, Stone. Gentlemen vomit.
Damn you! I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!
Welcome to my humble chapeau!
Posted by Benjy Stone @ 05/24/2003 12:04 PM PST
Why did the surrealist cross
the road?
Rutabega.
I shall be E&T for a couple
days now, and shall
unfortunately miss another
sparkling chat. Taking the
weekend to visit some friends
on the other side of the state.
Keep things lively and
sparking, all y'all, as I want
much to catch up on when I
return Monday night!
Posted by Jed @ 05/24/2003 12:13 PM PST
Not a joke, but a true story (cough) when I was travelling cross country on a plane.
The captain got on and made his usual comments about altitude, weather, flight time, etc and then it would appear, forgot to click the mic "off". So we heard the pilot talking to the co-pilot as he said "What I wouldn't do for a good blow job and a cup of coffee"
Well.. mortified, one of the flight attendants started running up the aisle towards the cockpit so I yelled out "Don't forget the coffee!!"
Posted by Craig @ 05/24/2003 12:15 PM PST
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
3. A backward poet writes inverse.
4. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. Show me a piano falling down on a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
10. The man fell into an upholstery machine.... he's fully recovered.
11. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result into Linoleum Blownapart.
12. You feel stuck to your debt if you can't budge it.
13. Every calendar's days are numbered.
14. A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and it taint mine.
15. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
16. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
17. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
18. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
19. Those who are too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
20. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
21. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
22. Bakers trade bread secrets on a knead to know basis.
23. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
24. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
25. Marathon runners with bad footwear will suffer the agony of defeat.
Posted by The Punster @ 05/24/2003 12:17 PM PST
The Duck Joke:
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head. Psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah! Get this guy off my ass!"
Thank you.
Posted by Jason @ 05/24/2003 12:26 PM PST
This is a true story! It was a snippet of a conversation I overheard while looking for a job in San Francisco.
Two little old ladies were sitting on a sofa in the upstairs Ladies Lounge at the Emporium.
One said to the other...
"Of course she couldn't marry him. Her name is Jessie and his is James."
Posted by Donna @ 05/24/2003 12:36 PM PST
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Fish
Posted by Soren Kierkegaard @ 05/24/2003 01:02 PM PST
I got an A in a film criticism class I took some years ago because in a term paper, I fussed and fumed about Brian DePalma's derivative films and how, even borrowing heavily from other filmmakers, they were still so watchable.
My friends just shake their heads sadly at me when I talk about liking a stinking movie like BODY DOUBLE so much, but I do. Can't explain exactly why, but it's fun to watch.
BTW, I just finished watching GOOD NEWS and it put me in such a good mood. That movie is a sure cure for what ails you. Also, while finishing up FORBIDDEN PLANET yesterday, I noticed MGM contract player Jimmie Thompson amnong the crew. You may remember him as Charlie in BRIGADOON and the "Beautiful Girl" singer in SINGIN' IN THE RAIN. Well, there he is in the chorus of GOOD NEWS, too. I had no idea he was with MGM that far back. I'll have to research what other films he did for MGM and watch out for him.
Posted by Matt H. @ 05/24/2003 01:28 PM PST
Wait a minute, Jason. The duck can talk?
Posted by Laura @ 05/24/2003 01:36 PM PST
Here is my grandpa's favorite joke. He told it at least once each meal.
"What can I pass, you?"
Each time you heard it was just as funny as the first.
Posted by Sandra @ 05/24/2003 01:53 PM PST
Craig - Heard that story on the
internet years ago...so either
you're famous, or you're
making that up :-)
Posted by Ann @ 05/24/2003 02:00 PM PST
De Palma! CARLITO'S WAY, SCARFACE!
Q: How does a Jewish wife call her kids to dinner?
A: "Get in the car..".
Q: What's a Jewish girl's favorite wine?
A: "Take me to MI-AAAAAAAAAMI!".
Q: (Old One) What does a Jewish wife make for dinner?
A: Reservations...
I also love blonde jokes, but I can't think of any, right now.
Posted by KT @ 05/24/2003 02:18 PM PST
OK - blonde joke:
A lady had moved into a new house and she had hired a man to do both the decorating and the gardening for her. On one of the first days he worked for her she was giving him instructions on the colours she wanted him to paint the various rooms.
They went into the dining room. "Now, I like this room to be blue," she said. The man made a note but then walked over to the front door and shouted "Green side up."
Unperturbed, the lady took the man into the kitchen and said: "I want the kitchen to be yellow." Again, the man made a note but again went to the front door and shouted "Green side up."
They made their way into the sitting room and the lady said: "I'd like this room to be pink." Once again, the man made a note and went over to the front door and shouted "Green side up."
By now perplexed, the lady said: "I keep telling you different colours, but you keep going over to the front door and shouting 'green side up' - why is that?"
The man replied: "Well, I've got a couple of blondes working outside for me today and they're laying the lawn."
Posted by Allan @ 05/24/2003 02:50 PM PST
Q: Why wouldn't the Jewish princess have the colostomy operation?
A: Because she couldn't get the shoes to go with the bag.
Sorry.
Posted by Allan @ 05/24/2003 02:52 PM PST
A surreal joke: Two penguins were sitting in a bath tub. One says to the other, "Could you pass me the soap?" The other one says, "What do you think I am? A radio?"
I've always liked that joke.
Posted by George @ 05/24/2003 03:04 PM PST
Things I Learned Watching
Movies.
1. If being chased through
town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St
Patrick's Day parade - at any
time of the year.
2. All beds have special
L-shaped top sheets that
reach up to armpit level
on a woman but only waist
level on the man lying
beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags
contain at least one
stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will
never rub off - even
while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of
any building is a
perfect hiding place. No one
will ever think of looking for
you in there and you
can travel to any other
part of the building without
difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass
yourself off as a German
officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the
language. A German accent
will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be
seen from any window of
any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain
while taking the most
ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to
clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi,
never look at your wallet
as you take out a note
- just grab one at random and
hand it over. It will
always be the exact
fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will
cause the stump of
your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook
eggs, bacon and waffles
for their family every
morning, even though the
husband and children never
have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash
will almost always
burst into flames.
13. A single match will be
sufficient to light up a
room the size of a
football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had
perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a
cat.
16. Any person waking from a
nightmare will sit bolt
upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20
men has a better chance
of killing them all than
20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming
from a graveyard should
always be closely
investigated.
19. Most people keep a
scrapbook of newspaper
cuttings - especially if any
of their family or friends has
died in a strange
boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you
are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involved in martial arts -
your enemies will wait
patiently to
attack you one by one by
dancing around in a
threatening manner until you
have knocked out their
predecessor.
21. During a very emotional
confrontation, instead
of facing the person you
are speaking to, it is
customary to stand behind
them and talk to their
back.
22. When you turn out the light
to go to bed,
everything in your room will
still be clearly visible, just
slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's
bad and will naturally
bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all
foreigners prefer to
speak English to each
other.
25. Rather than wasting
bullets, megalomaniacs
prefer to kill their
arch-enemies using
complicated machinery
involving
fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gases, lasers and
man eating sharks that will
allow their captives at
least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind
will make all fathers
forget their son's eighth
birthday.
27. Many musical instruments
- especially wind
instruments and accordions -
can be played without moving
the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with
electronic timing
devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly
when they're going to
go off.
29. It is always possible to
park directly outside
the building you are
visiting.
30. A detective can only solve
a case once he has
been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start
dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into
will know all the steps
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 03:31 PM PST
Groaning isn't allowed here at HHW. Yet that's what there jokes provoke. Keep them up.
Posted by William E. Lurie @ 05/24/2003 03:35 PM PST
I was going to say American, English and Australian politicians but that is probably a "Sick" joke.
Allan's late post from yesterday is not a joke. Eurovision is all that and more. It is a fashion show and a dance spectacultar. You don't know what you are missing. Who needs "Real" TV. This is REAL. Allan is no doubt a closet fan.
Posted by Tom from Oz @ 05/24/2003 04:10 PM PST
Here is a joke commercial instead. Check this out.
http://sexnewsdaily.com/issue/images/CONDOM-KID.avi
Posted by Jane @ 05/24/2003 04:19 PM PST
My Favorite Blonde (Joke):
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after having sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Posted by td @ 05/24/2003 04:24 PM PST
Group of nuns runs out of gasoline. One walks to a gas station with the only container she has, a bed pan.
Gets a gallon of gasoline walks back and pours it into the tank.
Car drives by. Man in car says: "That's what I call faith!!"
Posted by Jrand52 @ 05/24/2003 04:59 PM PST
That lull is a joke in itself!
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 07:03 PM PST
DR TD -- Well now I've seen it all! A while back I was reminiscing about some stuff from when I was at General Hospital (the soap) in the late 60s..someone asked about some of the actors, and I said some were very nice, a few were kind of stuck on themselves, and one was really strange and shocked me one day with what he asked me in the hall, on the break in between dress reh. and taping. Someone here asked me what it was that he said, and I replied that it was too much to repeat for these hallowed surroundings.
Well, what he asked me (while looking me straight in the eye) was exactly the same as your first posted joke today! And he wasn't smiling....and he was waiting for an answer! I was just a baby musician at the time, Yee-gads!
Posted by MusicGuy @ 05/24/2003 07:47 PM PST
One week away from seeing "Wicked."
: )
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/24/2003 07:50 PM PST
DR Jason -- I love the "duck" joke, always have. But then, "My Favourite Year" has been a big favorite of mine & Kerry's for quite a while. I'll warn you, we know much too much of the dialog from it by heart!
I especially love Uncle Mortie!
Posted by MusicGuy @ 05/24/2003 07:52 PM PST
We have the same "duck" joke
here, except that we replace
the duck with.. a frog -- only the
Britts know why?!? -- and the
frog says;
"it started with a pimple up my
a.. !!"...
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 08:06 PM PST
CHICAGO -- the musical! --
revisited!
A blonde suspects her
boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a
gun.
She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really
angry.
She opens her purse to take
out the gun, and as she does
so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it
to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No,
honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up,
you're next!"
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 08:13 PM PST
A blonde went to the appliance
store sale and found a
bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV,"
she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to
blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed
her hair, then came back and
again told the salesman "I
would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to
blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she
thought.
She went for a complete
disguise this time, haircut and
new color, new outfit, big
sunglasses, then waited a few
days before she again
approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
Sorry, we don't sell to
blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed
"How do you know I'm a
blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave,"
he replied.
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 08:17 PM PST
Air Force One crashed in the
middle of rural America. Panic
stricken, the Secret Service
mobilized and descended on
the farm in force. When they
got there, the wreckage was
clear. The aircraft was totally
destroyed, with only a burned
hulk left smoldering in a tree
line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended
upon the smoking hulk but
could find no remains of the
crew or the President's staff.
To their amazement, a lone
farmer was plowing a field not
too far away as if nothing at all
happened. They hurried over
to surround the man's actor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service
agent asked, panting and out
of breath. "Did you see this
terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man
muttered unconcernedly. "Do
you realize that is the
President of the United States'
airplane?" "Yep." "Were there
any survivors?" the agent
gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt
straight out." The farmer
sighed cutting of his tractor
motor. "I done buried them all
myself. Took most of the
morning." "The President of
the United States is DEAD?"
The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Yep, he kept a-saying he
wasn't ... but you know what a
liar he is!"
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 08:22 PM PST
EuroEnglish
The European Commission
have just announced an
agreement whereby English
will be the official language of
the EU rather than German,
which was the other
possibility. As part of the
negotiations, Her Majesty's
govt conceded that English
spelling had some room for
improvement and has
accepted a 5 year phase in
plan that would be known as
"EuroEnglish": -- In the first
year, "s" will replace the soft
"c".. Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in
favor of the "k". This should
klear up konfusion and
keyboards kan have 1 less
letter. There will be growing
publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be
replaced with the "f". This will
make words like "fotograf"
20% shorter. In the 3rd year,
publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will
enkorage the removal of
double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to
akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of
the silent "e"'s in the language
is disgraceful, and they should
go away. By the 4th yar, peopl
wil be reseptiv to steps such
as replasing "th" with "z" and
"w" with "v". During ze fifz year,
ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
from vords kontaiining "ou"
and similar changes vud of
kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters. After
zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubls or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM
TRU!!
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 08:25 PM PST
DR MusicGuy: WOW! I'm stunned! Somebody was out there stealing MY best material! Do tell, is he still on the show?!? Whoever he is, he didn't even pay for my joke!
In all honesty, I didn't know if I could put that particular joke up on HHW, BUT, I do apologize to ANY DEAR READERS who might have taken offense. . .
Posted by td @ 05/24/2003 08:27 PM PST
td,
My knowledge of the English
language being limited, I didn't
understand your joke... At
least, I haven't been offended...
SO, could you, please explain
the joke?????
Is the answer blowing in the
wind?
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 08:33 PM PST
These 4 gents go out to play
golf one sunny morning. One
is detained in the clubhouse,
and the other three are
discussing their children while
walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has
made quite a name for himself
in the home-building industry.
He began as a carpenter, but
now owns his own design and
construction firm. He's so
successful in fact, in the last
year he was able to give a
good friend a brand new home
as a gift."
The second man, no to be out
done, tells how his son began
his career as a car salesman,
but now owns a multi-line
dealership. "Norm's so
successful, in fact, in the last
six months he gave his friend
two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg,
has worked his way up
through a stock brokerage,
and in the last few weeks has
given a good friend a large
stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at
the tee, another tells him that
they have been discussing
their progeny and asks what
line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very
pleased with how my son
turned out," he replies. "For 15
years, Chico's been a
hairdresser, and I've just
recently discovered he's gay.
However, on the bright side,
he must be good at what he
does because his last three
boyfriends have given him a
brand new house, two cars,
and a big pile of stock
certificates."
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 08:36 PM PST
I HOPE we don't get too many blondes at HHW. Oh, well here goes . . .
How can you tell a blonde has been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
Posted by Sigerson Holmes @ 05/24/2003 08:48 PM PST
DR Francois: Yeah, that's the ticket: the answer IS blowin' in the wind. (My sincerest apologies to Bobby Dylan).
Posted by td @ 05/24/2003 08:51 PM PST
How can you tell a real blonde
from a "fake" one?
-- The real blonde laughs at
td's jokes!!!
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 08:54 PM PST
That is quite a blow!
Posted by Bob Dylan @ 05/24/2003 08:55 PM PST
A ticket... a tasket???
Boy, am I confused, and I'm
not blonde!
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 08:57 PM PST
I hope that this isn't crossing the line:
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy." replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!
Posted by George @ 05/24/2003 09:06 PM PST
Question: "Do you smoke after sex?
Answer: "I don't know; I never looked."
Posted by Kerry @ 05/24/2003 09:08 PM PST
These were in an e-mail sent to me a couple of years ago. Just remember folks, it's been said before and it'll be said again: No groaning here at HHW!
Subject: Fw: Fw: Bad Joke Day
1.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict" His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
11. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
Posted by George @ 05/24/2003 09:24 PM PST
From the same town in Spain I guess:
The local fireman's wife gave birth to twin boys. Names Jose and Hose B.
That probably goes to show that I appreciate the above jokes from George.
Posted by Tom from Oz @ 05/24/2003 09:43 PM PST
Not so much a joke but a great humorous observation...it's always been a favorite, and it is classic Groucho !!
After a few minutes of conversation with a lady who had told Groucho that she had something like 8 or 10 children, Groucho paused, looked at her kind of cynically, and said "you know lady, I really like my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in awhile!"
That was pretty bold stuff for 50s television! I loved it.
Posted by MusicGuy @ 05/24/2003 10:07 PM PST
Thanks, Tom! François, I had an e-mail with the subject "Things You Learn From the Movies." You have some lessons that I don't, but I have a few that you don't (unless you didn't list all that you have). Here are the extra ones:
32. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
33. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
34. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
35. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
36. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
37. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
38. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
39. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
40. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone or something will be thrown through it before long.
41. If staying in a haunted house, women in their most revealing underwear will investigate any strange noises.
42. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say "Enter Password Now".
43. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
44. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
Posted by George @ 05/24/2003 10:07 PM PST
And finally (from me, at least):
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem", replies the doctor. "Drop it in his coffee, and he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how it went."
A week later Mrs. Murphy goes back and the doctor inquires as to how things went. "Oh! It was terrible, just terrible doctor! "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee. The effect was immediate! He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "Why terrible?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years but, I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!!!"
Posted by George @ 05/24/2003 10:16 PM PST
George,
The last story is a riot!!! LOL!
Posted by François @ 05/24/2003 10:28 PM PST
Did they ask the couple if that wanted "fries" as well?
Thanks again George.
Posted by Tom from Oz @ 05/24/2003 10:33 PM PST
Now, that's what I'M talkin' about. I am jiggy with your jokes and I am jokes with your jiggy.
Posted by bk @ 05/25/2003 12:16 AM PST
Thank you all for some wonderful laughs! Two-show days really take it out of me - that and the gray weather - and it was nice to come home to some merriment and laughter courtesy of HHW!
Thank you!
-And don't forget to tip your waitress!
Posted by Jose C. Simbulan @ 05/25/2003 12:22 AM PST
Sadie and Yetta are talking one day.
Sadie: Oh Yetta, my husband brought me back such beautiful flowers yesterday!
Yetta: Oi, I hate it when my husband brings me flowers!
Sadie: But why, Yetta?
Yetta: When I see him bringing home flowers, I know what's going to happen. He strips me, ties me to the bed, throws my legs up in the air and spreads them open.
Sadie: What's the matter? You don't have a vase??
Posted by Allan @ 05/25/2003 01:24 AM PST
Lady with a baby gets on a train. Sits down next to a man she doesn't know. Man gets a look at the baby - and it's the ungliest baby he has ever seen.
Man says: Good Lord, that baby is ugly. That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen in my life.
Woman takes offense and calls the conductor.
Conductor says: What'a going on here?
Lady says: This man has insulted me. I don't have to pay good money to ride this train and be insulted.
Conductor says: Well we certainly don't want our passengers to be unhappy. If yo come with me I will find you a seat in another car. And perhaps I can find a banana for your monkey.
====Flip Wilson
Posted by Jrand52 @ 05/25/2003 07:46 AM PST
Her: "Oh hold me closer, closer, no, closer yet..
Him: "Lady, if I held you any closer, I'd be behind you!"
Hooray For Captain Spaulding!! Yea, I love Groucho.
Posted by MusicGuy @ 05/25/2003 08:32 AM PST
