Posted by William E. Lurie @ 09/08/2003 08:06 AM PST

Once upon a swishy Monday, a young boy and girl found themselves in a place they had never been before...

Posted by Craig @ 09/08/2003 08:07 AM PST

Is Barone's the place where Robert Blake ate with his wife before he murdered her? If so, I've eaten there. Old-fashioned, red-and-white-checked tablecloth Italian. The food is good, but nothing to die over.

Posted by Noel @ 09/08/2003 08:20 AM PST

The boy and girl had simply been walking along a busy city street. The girl was humming a musical piece from a new show. She and the boy (whose name was Brent) were on their way to audition for the show. Suddenly a large, overbearing bully cut in front of them and almost knocked poor Melissa off her feet. Brent saved her by grabbing her elbow. He also shouted KISS MY ASS to the rude man. At that point, everything went dark, the wind blew up and they found themselves in a new place...a place they had never been before...

Posted by Ben @ 09/08/2003 08:25 AM PST

When in Indian restaurants I always order vegetable samosas and different breads like nan, parantha and puri. Even though they may clog my arteries, I also love a good plate of cheesy, drippy, messy nachos.

Posted by Ben @ 09/08/2003 08:28 AM PST

Much to young Melissa and
Brent's surprise, they had
been magically transported to
THE LAND OF
ASSASSINATED MUSICALS!!!

They could of course tell that
they were indeed in such a
land by reading a very handy
sign sticking out of the ground
that read "WELCOME TO THE
LAND OF ASSASSINATED
MUSICALS! POPULATION:
GROWING". It also included a
not that said "PLEASE DO
NOT FEED THE ANIMALS".

Melissa was perplexed.

"Why would anyone ever want
to assassinate a musical?"
she asked - her eyebrows
forming perfect pyramids. "I
always thought you couldn't
assasinate a non-living
abstract term!"

"That answer is simple,"
responded Brent.

He went on to describe it in
greater detail.

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 08:41 AM PST

I'm writing this from the brand
spanking new McGill Arts
Lounge and Computer Centre.
Unfortunately the system won't
let me log on to the PCs, so
I'm stuck with a MAC and its
awful columns.

Chat was fun and now this
story idea is even funner. Yes
"funner" is a word to all you
non-believers.

Paulie and JMK: I am
mailing off your cds this
afternoon. Please forgive me
for my laziness :)

I HEAR FROM THE
CENTAUR TODAY SO WISH
ME LUCK

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 08:44 AM PST

Arrgh!!! How many topics are
there today!!! They are both so
much fun so'll have to respond
to both of them.

Like Ben, I too go ga-ga over
good nachos - especially with
freshly sliced jalapenos.
Although in the past, my older
sister, who doesn't like hot
foods, has substituted red and
green peppers and they are
ALMOST as good.

However, my absolute favorite
appetizers are crab cakes
made with fresh crab and
corn.

I am drooling as I type. McGill
will not be impressed with the
necessary cleaning fees for its
brand spanking new Arts
Lounge and Computer Centre!
;)

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 08:48 AM PST

Before he did, Melissa and Brent noticed that they were standing on a broad boulevard, called Andrew Lloyd Webber Avenue. A narrow side street nearby was called Ricky Ian Gordon Way.

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 09:05 AM PST

Dear Reader Noel:

I'm sure you meant to type,

"Is Barone's the place where Robert Blake ate with his wife before he allegedly murdered her?"

Maybe I've just been spending too much time around lawyers lately. :-/

Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/08/2003 09:05 AM PST

It's a moot point (oh, a legal reference), as the alleged restaurant where Mr. Blake allegedly dined with his alleged wife before she allegedly was murdered is called Vitello's.

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 09:11 AM PST

The oft-famished der Brucer and I have been known to make an entire meal of appetizers at King's Fish House in Long Beach. We both happen to like the New England Clam Chowder there, which is neither too brothy or at all pasty, but just right and nicely clammy. (Clammy is very good in chowder, just as it is not very good in hands.)

Der Brucer is very partial to the Oysters Rockefeller, properly served on a bed of rock salt. For myself, I prefer their seared Ahi tuna, with a salad of cucumber and sprouts and a nice ramekin of ponzu sauce. My choice of the Ahi frankly irritates der Brucer, because this appetizer is properly eated with chopsticks, at which I am adept at using and he, sadly, is not. (He also types using the two-finger method, while I type ten-fingered, but I'm not sure if these skills are in any way related.)

As for a third appetizer course, we both tend to vary, although he's partial to crab cakes, and I'm fond of shrimp, especially in a spicy N'Awlins boilin' sauce. Combine this with a bottle of pinot grigio or some other crisp white wine, and who needs an entree?

King's Fish House is one restaurant I will miss when we get moved to Delaware. We've always been treated well there, and have become quite friendly with some of the servers. Fortunately there will be plenty of seafood available near our new home, but it will be good to remember our old friends and to miss them.

Posted by S. Woody White @ 09/08/2003 09:14 AM PST

"I wanted to describe why
people would assassinate
musicals," said Brent. "I really
did, but I can't now because I
feel a song coming on. " Brent
then proceeded to sing and
dance down Kander and Ebb
Way. The song was catchy. It
went something like this:

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 09:24 AM PST

Come on Miss
Why don't we paint this town...
and wear a FEZZ..
(and wear a fezz)

Posted by Craig @ 09/08/2003 09:31 AM PST

...and you can kiss my ass!

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 09:35 AM PST

You people are crazy. Haha!

Just for today I am unemployed, as I will re-join the group at Music Theatre International tomorrow after my audition for the OKLAHOMA! tour. Thank God I have a job, and thanks to all of you for sending your positive job vibes.

My favorite appetizer? Hmm...I love a good plate of mozzerella (sp?) sticks or some really cheesy, bacon-y potato skins, but my absolute favorite appetizer is the Southwestern Eggroll at Chili's. Basically, its an eggroll containing cheese, spinach, chicken, corn and peppers. Its too too. I also could die for the garlic cheese biscuits from Red Lobster. Talk about heart attack on a bread plate. Oh! how my heart longs for one right now...

Posted by Jason @ 09/08/2003 09:41 AM PST

Forgive me. I separated the subject from the verb in a sentence from my last post. It should have read,

"I could also die for the garlic cheese biscuits..."

Mea culpa.

And KISS MY ASS!

Posted by Jason @ 09/08/2003 09:44 AM PST

Melissa, aghast, interrupted Brent.

"The song doesn't go like THAT, darling! And besides, you look simply ghastly in a fez...I much prefer your head in a smart little pillbox."

Melissa, caught up in this spirit of song in the Land of Assassinated Musicals, began to trill The Ballad of Guiteau, but then the shadow of a monster loomed on the horizon...

KISS MY ASS, they shouted simultaneouely.

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 09:45 AM PST

I'm quite partial to Shrimp
Cocktails at good restaurants.
And I'm very partial to the
Spinach Artichoke Cheese dip
at the California Pizza Kitchen.

Story continued:

Before he could get any further
in his very strange yet oddly
endearing song, Brent and
Melissa were approached by a
man dressed in colored tights
and pantaloons. He smiled
mischievously, and said

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 09:47 AM PST

Ongrats-cay to Ason-jay about the ob-jay!

As for appetizers, I'm a simple gal. I love the chips and salsa at Mexican restaurants and mozzarella sticks at TGIFridays.

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 09:49 AM PST

I have nothing to say.

Posted by Jrand53 @ 09/08/2003 09:49 AM PST

BK--since we seem to have typed at the same time, let's just say the monster WAS the man in colored tights and pantaloons! ;)

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 09:50 AM PST

"I've never heard music like that!" He continued, "Upbeat, rhythmic, why, it's even memorable!" A woman wearing a "PARADE" T-shirt had joined the other three and nodded her head in agreement.

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 09:51 AM PST

And you said it very well, too!

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 09/08/2003 09:52 AM PST

A boy like that
Wants one thing only
He'll KISS YOUR ASS
Then leave you lonely!

Posted by Anita @ 09/08/2003 09:53 AM PST

My last comment directed at jrand53.

Gadzooks, we have so fast little fingers working this morning!

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 09/08/2003 09:53 AM PST

My last comment was directed at Jrand53.

Gadzooks! We have some nimble fingers at work here this morning!

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 09/08/2003 09:55 AM PST

KISS MY ASS!

Dagnab it, I reposted the above because I did not see my first version -- I hit refresh...and nothing...so whaddareyagonnado?

KISS MY PATOOTIE!

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 09/08/2003 09:56 AM PST

"A kiss on the ass may be quite continental, but diamonds are a girls' best friend."

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 09/08/2003 09:58 AM PST

"I don't understand," Melissa puzzled. "Are you saying that Jerry Herman's PARADE isn't upbeat, rhythmic and memorable? That's so unlike him??"

Brent assured her that PARADE sounded just like all of Mr. Herman's other shows.

Suddenly, from amidst the cornstalks, the ghost of Oscar Hammerstein appeared...

Posted by Dave @ 09/08/2003 10:02 AM PST

Kiss my ass! Orchestra or balcony...

Posted by Val @ 09/08/2003 10:03 AM PST

Who would have thought that I would ever eagerly look forward to Monday mornings? Without a home computer, weekends have lost some of their luster. You’ll notice I said some of their luster. How are all the Hainsies and Kimlets? Happy Belated Birthday to DR William E. Lurie and a Happy Belated Anniversary to DR Old Laura. Must we say old Laura? Can’t we come up with a nicer name than that?

If I haven’t already had the chance to welcome Laura II to HHW, let me also do that now.

Appetizers: I make a great Dungeness crab and artichoke dip that my friends go nuts for when I serve it. Unfortunately, they also eat so much of it, that they are seldom interested in dinner when it is served. I will stay out of the storytelling, since my creative talents don’t happen to run to the literary arts.

Posted by TCB @ 09/08/2003 10:05 AM PST

More importantly, WHY do you
have nothing to say Jrand53?
That is VERY unlike you and
we are concerned, oh, yes, we
are concerned. Certainly you
must have a favorite appetizer.

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 10:09 AM PST

So kiss my ass,
Darling, twice and thrice,
Ere we start
Living in paradise!

Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/08/2003 10:09 AM PST

A guy in our cast made some homemade spinach and artichoke dip and served it with warm pita bread. It was the most amazing stuff I've ever eaten. It made me writhe.

Posted by Jason @ 09/08/2003 10:10 AM PST

How about "Vintage Laura?" You know, like fine wine? And a belated happy anniversary to Laura and her DH!

And belated birthday felicitations to DR WEL!

Sometimes I find appetizers more interesting than the main course. One of my favorite category of appetizers is that which comes with a garlicky butter sauce (or buttery garlic sauce), such as escargots, baked clams, etc. I enjoy sopping up the sauce that remains in the plate with a good crusty bread as much as I enjoy eating the actual appetizer!

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 10:10 AM PST

"Hello, young lovers, I am the
ghost of Oscar Hammerstein.
If it wasn't for me Stephen
Sondheim would be selling
aluminum siding."

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 10:10 AM PST

Jason, me boy, how good you have a job. But Okalahoma!? They're still auditioning? Is Judd still a possibility? That would be faboo and jiggy all at once--no mean feat!

Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/08/2003 10:13 AM PST

LOL.

And he would be a very good aluminum siding salesman, I bet!

Oh....remember that famous film noir from Robert Aldrich based on the Mickey Spillane novel?

KISS MY ASS,DEADLY

Posted by Jrand53 @ 09/08/2003 10:16 AM PST

Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, the ghost of Larry Hart appeared beside the ghost of Oscar Hammerstein. Melissa gasped, "You look nothing like Mickey Rooney!"

Then the ghost of Hammerstein said to the ghost of Hart, "Shall We Dance?"

And they did.

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 10:18 AM PST

Confusion was reigning (also raining) in The Land of Assassinated Musicals. Were they feeling modern (Frank Wildhorn, Jason Robert Brown, etc.) Classic (Hammerstein, Kern, Rodgers, etc.) or mid-Golden Era. No one could tell. It was up to Melissa and Brent to sort things out. As the ghosts of old composers swirled around in a scrim-like mist and the voices of still living composers grew louder and louder threatening to Crescendo as they stood there they realized they had to come up with a plan to sort things out.

"You know," Brent said in a deep, deep voice, "I feel twitchy and bitchy and manic". "How funny," said Melissa, in the same deep, deep voice, "because I'm calm and collected, no sign of panic." "At least you're ALIVE!" said the ghost of Cole Porter...

Posted by Ben @ 09/08/2003 10:25 AM PST

Just then Richard Adler and
the ghost of Jerry Ross
appeared and sang:

You gotta have Hart
All you really need is Hart

Oscar Hammerstein had a
Hart attack and died a second
time.

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 10:25 AM PST

But if Andrew Lloyd Weber were selling vinyl siding, he would have all the hits.

Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/08/2003 10:25 AM PST

Mr. Orr: Ah, yes, he may have all the hits, but does he have any visits???

Posted by Ben @ 09/08/2003 10:27 AM PST

Ohmigod, you guys!

I literally have tears in my eyes I'm laughing so hard!

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 10:29 AM PST

Mitzi Gaynor suddenly appeared and was concerned to find herself in such glorious company, until she realized that, yes, her career was finally dead.

Posted by Jrand53 @ 09/08/2003 10:33 AM PST

Hmmm...

Side by Side By Siding

"We have exterior siding, and interior rhyming!"

Posted by Dave @ 09/08/2003 10:35 AM PST

Or perhaps SIDING BY SIDING BY SONDHEIM

Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/08/2003 10:40 AM PST

Mitzi Gaynor started to sing
"I'm as corny as Kansas in
August" but Brent interrupted
her and said, "First of all, I
have the feeling we're not in
Kansas anymore, and second
of all, where are the color
filters? You can't sing that
song without your color filters.
So, shut up."

Mitzi tap danced down Arthur
Schwartz Lane which, by the
way, had colored filters.

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 10:41 AM PST

Jason! Oklahoma how exciting. Now, would you be touring with Alfred Drake, or with Gordon MacRae?

Posted by TCB @ 09/08/2003 10:46 AM PST

The colored filters on Arthur Schwartz Lane obscured the view of Brent and Melissa and they failed to see the rapidly approaching bisexual scarecrow screaming and pointing "Some people go both ways!" He was followed by Nancy Walker yelling at the Village People that "You Can't Stop the Music, I haven't finished directing the sequence"

Posted by Ben @ 09/08/2003 10:48 AM PST

Actually, they're called chromatic-American filters now.

Posted by The PC Police @ 09/08/2003 10:48 AM PST

Hey everyone!

Question for Emily or anyone else who has attempted to make poutine: How do you make sure the fries do not get soggy? They are never soggy when i get them at the restaurant. Am I putting too much sauce?

Posted by Jennifer @ 09/08/2003 10:50 AM PST

Woah... this is all too much fun!
Favortie appetizers.... anything with
with a lot of cheese. TGIFridays has
the best cheese sticks. Nacho's are
ok without the hot stuff. CPK has
great spring rolls, too. Yeah, the
best dinner can be an appetizer and
a salad, an enornous salad, of
course.

Posted by Matthew @ 09/08/2003 11:04 AM PST

Just then everyone
disappeared except for Brent
and Melissa. Then, the ghost
of Doug Henning stepped out
of a shadow. "Neat trick, huh?
I did Merlin, you know. Every
night we had less people in
the audience. What they didn't
realize is that that was part of
the show - I MADE them
disappear. If only the
producers had realized that
we'd still be running today."
He then sang West End
Avenue while reciting lines
from West Side Story.

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 11:12 AM PST

This is hysterical! If only I had time to think up something to add to the story.

I must apologize for my E&Tness over the weekend and so on. I have been a busy little beaver. But my favorite appetizer is Buffalo Wings, hands down, or wings down, if you will. Not the stupid bbq kind, the REAL ones that make your eyes water with their fumes, the ones that taste like tobasco. mmmmmm But I hardly ever eat them anymore because they are probably the worst thing you can eat. 5 Wings have 450 calories and 30 grams of fat! Eeeeek!

Okay, back to work.

Posted by Joy @ 09/08/2003 11:12 AM PST

Hey Craig and BK,

When is the next installment of Juliana's journal going up?

Posted by Jennifer @ 09/08/2003 11:24 AM PST

I was assured it would be up,
first on Saturday and then on
Sunday. I have e-mailed Mr.
Brockman just moments ago.
Included as an attachment in
the e-mail was KISS MY ASS
and a virtual bitch-slap.

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 11:27 AM PST

And then the inevitable happened as the ghosts of Broadway's past swarmed around the disbelieving figures of our young hero and heroine, Brent and Melissa...

A voice began to resonate, ricocheting between the buildings of Sondheim Street and Andrew Lloyd Webber Avenue.

And then the ghost of Ethel Merman appeared!

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 11:34 AM PST

Re: Juliana's journal

Yeah! I was getting withdrawal.

Darn that thing is addictive!

Btw, where are the Big Brother people? Or the Trading Spaces people?

Come out, come out where ever you are and play!

Posted by Jennifer @ 09/08/2003 11:40 AM PST

Ethel was waving the Bernadette Peters GYPSY cd and yelling to beat the band.

The band - fled!

Posted by Jrand53 @ 09/08/2003 11:42 AM PST

Miss Merman immediately
began a diatribe. "What is this
SHIT about my not acting the
role of Rose? I acted the SHIT
out of Rose. Bernadette
Peters can KISS MY ASS."
Then she began to sing
Riding High.

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 11:42 AM PST

Meanwhile, in another universe, Elaine Stritch suddenly fell off the wagon...

Posted by Craig @ 09/08/2003 11:58 AM PST

Rumour has it she was pushed.

Posted by Dave @ 09/08/2003 12:03 PM PST

Just then Fritz Loewe and Alan
Jay Lerner arrived and said,
"Elaine, you must not fall off
our wagon you must paint your
wagon."

Elaine turned to them and
replied in her usual manner,
"Oh, go talk to the trees why
don't you?"

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 12:04 PM PST

LOL@Dave

Suddenly (and without warning, hence the suddenly) - Brent and Melissa in unison at the top of their lungs shouted "ELAINE... KISS MY ASS!" and right before their very eyes...

Posted by Craig @ 09/08/2003 12:07 PM PST

The entire cast of HAIR appeared, in the nude, as if it were the close of the first act. In unison, they all turned around, and bent from the waist, so all Melissa and Brent could see was a sea of exposed posteriors.

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 12:19 PM PST

...two giant lips appeared out of the mist...but what Brent and Melissa didn't know was that those giant lips belonged too...

Posted by MBarnum @ 09/08/2003 12:20 PM PST

Kiss my __asp--!

Posted by Cleopatra, Queen of Upper & Lower Egypt @ 09/08/2003 12:20 PM PST

A big red curtain drops before the readers of HHW and we learn that we have been witness to the first act of "Death by Musical: A Musical in 4 Acts"

* Intermission *

The entr'act begins as we hear the melodies of...

Posted by Craig @ 09/08/2003 12:22 PM PST

I never knew you were allowed to assassinate a musical. Although, I have seen a few that I wish would have killed themselves.

Posted by TCB @ 09/08/2003 12:38 PM PST

Rumors be damned!

I jumped!

Posted by Elain Stritch @ 09/08/2003 12:38 PM PST

Happy belated birthday, WEL.

"Kiss My Ass, Kate," cooed Alfred Drake.

Posted by Matt H. @ 09/08/2003 12:47 PM PST

Kiss My Kate's Ass

Posted by Brent Barrett @ 09/08/2003 01:08 PM PST

Kiss My Kate's Ass

Posted by Brent Barrett @ 09/08/2003 01:08 PM PST

Brent was seeing double.
He'd just said the same thing
twice. Was his next job going
to be The Boys from
Syracuse? And just what was
Brent DOING with Melissa
Errico anyway? After all, she
was from high society and he
was just a guy from Chicago.

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 01:15 PM PST

Theatre makes strange bedfellows.

Posted by Jrand53 @ 09/08/2003 01:17 PM PST

ACT II

Brent and Melissa are in a cavernous rehearsal hall. The rear wall is completely mirrored and there is a dance bar on three of the walls in hall. Brent and Melissa are slumped in their seats, before one of those beaten up collapsible tables you see in such places. They are asleep, and holding thick scripts in their hands.

They begin to come out of their stupor, and Brent is the first to speak.

"Mel? You awake? I guess we both fell asleep, huh?" He paused for a moment and then continued, "I just had the craziest dream."

"Me too!" responded Melissa.

Suddenly, a man dressed in top hat, white tie and tails comes rushing into the rehearsal hall, a luxurious black opera cape flowing behind him like a sail in the wind.

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 01:48 PM PST

Well THIS is a great topic. I'm laughing very hard right now and my stomach kind of hurts, but it's ok because...I'm laughing...:)

Appetizer? I LOOOVE The Bloomin' Onion at Outback. If I could have a Bloomin' Onion every day of my life...I'd probably smell kind of onion-ish, so I'll settle for one per week. I also like Bruschetta, the breadsticks at Olive Garden, and calamari anywhere.

I have about 50 million years worth of schoolwork to do tonight, so I may not be around too much.

Posted by Sarah @ 09/08/2003 01:53 PM PST

As our un-nemed entracte comes to a close, the audience rejoins Melissa and Brent in their continued adventures.

"My" said Melissa, looking at her surrounding, "It appears that the Land of Assasinated Musicals is getting ready for a new arrival."

"My dear Melissa," responded Brent, "did you ever manage to figure that out?"

Melissa turned and pointed to a large lamp post in the middle of the forsaken landscape. A sign was posted next to it which read: "WHEN LIGHT IS FLASHING NEW ARRIVAL WARNING IS IN PLACE".
In smaller print it read "In such a case, all citizens will please turn immediately to the nearest rotten vegetable stand. Those without tossing arms are required by law to prominently display their audience response reprieval form at all times"

Melissa and Brent, being the law abiding people that they are, immediately started towards the nearest vegetable stand.

"I hope they have plenty of tomatoes" Brent said, rubbing his hands together.

But suddenly, out of the desert mist, a vision appeared. Brent and Melissa could tell immediately that this vision was of grave symbolic importance, and would come to give further meaning to their journey and indeed, to the strange land in which they now walked.

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 01:56 PM PST

They of course, were lured back to the Land of Assasinated Musicals by a strange man in top hat and tails.

(sorry Jay)

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 01:58 PM PST

As the vision drew closer, it became apparent that it was Harvey Fierstein who began singing, "Yes, we have no tomatoes...we have no tomatoes today."

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 09/08/2003 01:59 PM PST

Hmmm. Dueling Second Acts. Maybe that how the musical gets killed.

Posted by The Dramaturge @ 09/08/2003 02:01 PM PST

That's cool, DR Emily. I'll play along.

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 02:02 PM PST

Why did they keep falling
asleep? The man in the tails
woke them again. "We must
rehearse, you two." The man
in the tails then vanished as
quickly as he'd arrived.

"Strange goings on, Melissa,
no?" asked Brent.

"Yes, strange indeed, since I
prefer to sing folk rock in small
clubs. And I really hate thick
scripts like this."

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 02:15 PM PST

Brent then tried to say "I hate thick scripts" five times fast and found that he couldn't.

"Why am I hanging around with you?" asked Melissa under her breath.

Why indeed?

(am I the only person who wants to turn this into a gruesome murder mystery?)

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 02:19 PM PST

Guys, I haven't had this much fun at work since... well... ever! :)

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 02:21 PM PST

The randy vicar then appeared before Brent and Melissa.

Oops, sorry, wrong story.

Never mind.

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 02:21 PM PST

ahahahah...I only hope that Brent Barrett and Melissa Errico get around to reading our story about them! This is TOO good....

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 02:26 PM PST

Suddenly, Brent and Melissa were seized by some unseen force. Desperate, crazed looks came over their faces.

The danced a macabre dance to strange, macabre music. The more they danced, the closer they got to the audience. Brent drew a knife and began waving it in the air like a madman; suddently, Melissa grabbed the knife from him, jumped into the first row and stabbed the audience member named Dramaturge into a thousand pieces of raw, bloody meat.

Posted by The Humble Writer @ 09/08/2003 02:28 PM PST

Melissa looked up to the back of the house and smiled at the Humble Writer as the audience cheered!

Posted by The Humble Writer @ 09/08/2003 02:29 PM PST

But it wasn't the dramaturge at
all - it was someone who'd
been drugged and then
dressed to resemble the
dramaturge. The real
dramaturge stepped out from
the wings.

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 02:34 PM PST

"This defies logic," said a
rather taken aback Brent.

"Ah," said the dramaturge.
"But this is the logic of a
dream. The logic can change
from moment to moment.
That is because

It only takes a moment..."

"Shut up with the Hello, Dolly
stuff, will ya," shouted Melissa,
who only liked folk rock songs,
despite her Broadway
success.

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 02:37 PM PST

In his hand he carried a weapon so feared, so unspeakably awful.

He raised his arm and shouted:

"Bwa ha ha!"

"Watch out Brent!" yelled Melissa. "The true dramaturge is behind you and he has a... a..."

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 02:37 PM PST

It was, obviously, a moment for a cutsie number. Enter Jackie Gleason and Eileen Herlie to provide some comic relief with the charming duet, "Butt Cheeks."

Posted by Dan-in-Toronto @ 09/08/2003 02:37 PM PST

Dan, how did you guess that butt cheeks were indeed the awful weapon being held by the evil dramaturge?!

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 02:39 PM PST

Boy, I haven't been on here in a long time. I've been lurking as much as I can, but haven't found the time to post. But now I ask myself, what better things would one have to do than chat with the lovely Hainsies/Kimlets? For those who write to me or might want to in the future, I have a new e-mail address. Click on my name to check it out.

I'm a buffalo wings man, myself. With ranch dipping sauce. I went to Hooters for wings once. Yep, that was the only reason I went... I do not, however, like the Buffalo Bills. I'm a Titans fan. 25-20, baby! Take that, Raiders! Uh... anyone else watch football around here?

Thank you DR Emily, I can't wait to receive it!

BTW, I'm loving this Brent and Melissa story. Keep her going. I'd join in but... well, I'm more of a lurker anyway, aren't I? ;)

Posted by Paulie @ 09/08/2003 02:40 PM PST

William F. Orr: Yes, Jud is still a possibility, I suppose. The call tomorrow is specifically for Jud, Ike Skidmore and Aunt Eller. Then they're having generic singer calls in the afternoon and dancer calls on Weds., I believe. You would think they'd have the thing cast by now, but...whatever. I'll give it another shot. They liked me 5 times in March...maybe they'll like me once or twice this time and actually give me a job!

Posted by Jason @ 09/08/2003 02:41 PM PST

Look at me....

Posted by Jason @ 09/08/2003 02:42 PM PST

I'm no. 100!!

Posted by Jason @ 09/08/2003 02:42 PM PST

Just to clarify, they're seeing people for Jud, Ike and Aunt Eller. I will only be auditioning for Jud and perhaps Ike...not the old lady.

Posted by Jason @ 09/08/2003 02:43 PM PST

*one hundred posts dance*

dance dance dance spirit fingers dance dance dance

:)

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 02:44 PM PST

Emily: Te spirit fingers were a nice touch :)

Posted by Sarah @ 09/08/2003 02:49 PM PST

And of course the "Te" in the previous post should indeed be "The".

Posted by Sarah @ 09/08/2003 02:52 PM PST

Yes, the dramaturge was
holding butt cheeks and was
about to hurl them at Brent and
Melissa. Normally the
dramaturge only hurled vile
epithets but today he was
hurling vile butt cheeks.

Suddenly, the dramaturge
heard something behind him.
It was the sound of swishy
shorts. He wheeled around.

Posted by bk @ 09/08/2003 02:53 PM PST

It was a *deus ex machina** named Sarah and she swooped down and savagely grabbed those butt cheeks and beat the dramaturge over the head with them!!!

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 09/08/2003 02:57 PM PST

And Brent yelled, "KISS THAT ASS"!

Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 09/08/2003 02:58 PM PST

And here I thought this story was about me. Shoot!

Posted by Melissa Etheridge @ 09/08/2003 03:00 PM PST

Miss Etheridge, soon to be Mrs. Tammy Lynn Michaels -- Don't Cry Out Loud!

Posted by Melissa Manchester @ 09/08/2003 03:05 PM PST

My Favorite Appetizers

Chopped liver and crab cakes
and little baby lamb chops

Tarmamasalata
and herring roll mops

Roquefort pecans
and smoked salmon on a cuke

Hold on a second
I'm going to puke

Posted by Dan-in-Toronto @ 09/08/2003 03:06 PM PST

"You charlatan!" cried Sarah as she whipped the dramaturge with the butt cheeks. "All of you so-called 'dramaturges' are a fraud!"

"Spare me," cried the dramaturge.

"Okay," said Sarah. "I'll spare you if you can meet one condition."

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 03:17 PM PST

Sarah named her condition with a great swish of the buttcheek-weapon. "Bring me the cow as white as milk, the cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn and the slipper as pure as gold."

The dramturgue replied "It is as good as done."

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 03:21 PM PST

Oops...that was more than one condition, wasn't it?

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 03:23 PM PST

I feel like Xena :)

DR Ron, you never cease to make me laugh. Today has been a very laugh-y day, hasn't it? How were your days?

Posted by Sarah @ 09/08/2003 03:25 PM PST

A chopped liver and crab cake???

Posted by Emeril @ 09/08/2003 03:59 PM PST

Jason -- Sorry to hear that you lost out for Aunt Eller.

Posted by TCB @ 09/08/2003 04:00 PM PST

So the dramturge started out on his quest.

Suddenly he had the horrid realization that he had succeeded in becoming the main character in the story!

The stress of carrying so convoluted a plot-line eventually got to him. He died shortly after leaving Melissa and Brent, who buried him and placed the a gravestone over the site with the following epitath:

Posted by Emily @ 09/08/2003 04:22 PM PST

CUT!!!!! screams the very intoxicated director, Orson Wells.. No No No.. this is all CRAP! You can all KISS MY ASS.. Now where the hell are my damn todka and vonics??

Melissa and Brent, not sure if Orson was indeed the director of THEIR show, or just a director IN the show (a very Alice in Wonderland moment) sat down on their collective butt cheeks for a lull....

Posted by Craig @ 09/08/2003 04:41 PM PST

from The Taming of the Shrew, by Mr. William Shakespeare, Act II, Scene 1.

PETRUCHIO
Come, come, you wasp; i' faith, you are too angry.

KATHARINA
If I be waspish, best beware my sting.

PETRUCHIO
My remedy is then, to pluck it out.

KATHARINA
Ay, if the fool could find it where it lies,

PETRUCHIO
Who knows not where a wasp does
wear his sting? In his tail.

KATHARINA
In his tongue.

PETRUCHIO
Whose tongue?

KATHARINA
Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell.

PETRUCHIO
What, with my tongue in your tail? nay, come again,
Good Kate; I am a gentleman.

KATHARINA
That I'll try.

Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/08/2003 04:42 PM PST

In other words, "KISS MY ASS, Petruchio!"

Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/08/2003 04:43 PM PST

Kiss My Arsenic and Old Lace

Posted by The British Bloke @ 09/08/2003 04:54 PM PST

You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic...!

Posted by Chicago Woman Number Two @ 09/08/2003 05:02 PM PST

Help! Somebody!

Posted by Mia Farrow @ 09/08/2003 05:10 PM PST

And then who should come down the street but Charity Hope Valentine singing I'm an ASS Band, I'm a harpsichord...."

Posted by Jrand53 @ 09/08/2003 05:58 PM PST

As promised, a BRAND NEW Juliana's Journal entry is now available exclusively here at HHW!

Posted by Craig @ 09/08/2003 06:34 PM PST

Of a sudden, Glinda the Good Witch appeared. "Look," she said to Brent and Melissa, "I know my show hasn't opened yet and we're still in previews, but if you two want to get your blessed butt cheeks out of this nightmare, you best follow my instructions."

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 06:38 PM PST

Melissa and Brent (and Brent and Melissa) looked at Kristin in shock and said, "you mean we had the power to remove ourselves from this heinous musical in 4 acts all along""

To which Kristin replied, "No.. I was just messin' Now Kiss My Ass!"

Posted by Craig @ 09/08/2003 06:50 PM PST

"Alas," I sighed. My second favorite rock & roll composer/performer died today following a year's battle (incurable) with lung cancer.
I know you all know the words to "Werewolves of London," but, for Warren's final sing-a-long, I thought perhaps "Desperados Under the Eaves" would be a fitting farewell:

I was sitting in the Hollywood Hawaiian Hotel
I was staring in my empty coffee cup
I was thinking that the gypsy wasn't lyin'
All the salty margaritas in Los Angeles
I'm gonna drink 'em up

And if California slides into the ocean
Like the mystics and statistics say it will
I predict this motel will be standing until I pay my bill

Don't the sun look angry through the trees
Don't the trees look like crucified thieves
Don't you feel like Desperados under the eaves
Heaven help the one who leaves

Still waking up in the mornings with shaking hands
And I'm trying to find a girl who understands me
But except in dreams you're never really free
Don't the sun look angry at me

I was sitting in the Hollywood Hawaiian Hotel
I was listening to the air conditioner hum
It went mmmmmm..
... Look away...
(Look away down Gower Avenue, Look away...)

So long, Warren. Hasten down the wind, and enjoy those four a.m. shows at the Clark, you excitable boy, you!

Posted by td @ 09/08/2003 07:01 PM PST

I tried to go to sleep early and failed miserably. I think I'm immune to responsibility. I tried counting backwards, forwards, I put the crooning tunes of Guy Haines on, I put classical on, I did those mind excersizes that are supposed to relax you, but noooothing worked. So I sit here, exhausted but not tired, if that makes ANY sense at all. Help?

Posted by Sarah @ 09/08/2003 07:46 PM PST

Crimeny, girl. You've got a major part in this long-winded saga of Brent and Melissa. At least add a chapter before you head back to the land of Winken, Blinken and Nod.

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 07:50 PM PST

Good evening, class. Your Esperanto lesson for today is:

KISU MIAN PUGON!

Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/08/2003 08:24 PM PST

Melissa, shocked and rather overwhelmed, broke down into tears and cried out,

"Please, let me out of here! Could it be any worse?"

Just then, the cast of "Cats" appeared out of the mist, chanting "Jellicle Cats", and leaping throughout the air.

"Melissa, remind me to hang myself sometime in the near future." Brent said, his eyes twitching.

Posted by Sarah @ 09/08/2003 08:32 PM PST

Sarah--lmao!!!

Told ya you could write! ;)

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 08:33 PM PST

Then, without warning, Melissa stood tall and proud and said "Gimme Gimme.. this thing called love...."

Posted by Craig @ 09/08/2003 08:44 PM PST

Brent stood even taller, and in a mellifluous baritone, sang, "What is this thing, called love?"

Posted by Jay @ 09/08/2003 08:46 PM PST

Melissa sang the 11 o'clock number with a thrilling silver-throated ease until she felt a tap on her shoulder. It was a tall brunette in a fringed red flapper dress.

"Girl, I know you did not!"

Melissa turned to see Sutton Foster staring at her.

"I'm sorry for singing your song, Sutton! I shouldn't have done it. It was totally and completely my bad!" Melissa apologized.

Sutton shrugged. "It's okay. I think I've just been in Millie for too long. Can someone open a nice revival for me?"

Suddenly, the ghost of David Merrick appeared. "Sutton, I'm glad you mentioned in because I was just about to mount a revival of "Ass Thousands Cheer!"

Posted by Maya @ 09/08/2003 08:54 PM PST

Sutton leaned over and whispered sweetly into Merrick's ear "no thank you.. I've always wanted to do Kiss My Spiderwoman Ass!"

Brent, agreeing most readily said "yes.. yes.. that is what I want most in the world too"

Merrick shrugged and walked away shaking his head muttering something about a revival of One Night Stand

Posted by Craig @ 09/08/2003 09:14 PM PST

Alright, folks. I'm gonna turn in for the night. Please, please, please send your positive vibes my way between the hours of 10am and 1 pm tomorrow. Oh, heck...make it all day long, cause God only knows how long I'll be there tomorrow, singing my little pea-pickin' heart out trying to get a freakin' job. I'm starting to get nervous, seeing how this is my sixth or seventh time singing for these people. I hope they still like me.

Any positive vibes will be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks!!

Posted by Jason @ 09/08/2003 09:16 PM PST

Note to Jason: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted by Old Laura @ 09/08/2003 09:32 PM PST

But before he had gotten too far, Merrick abruptly stopped in his tracks, turned around and with that "Eureka-moment" look in his eyes said loudly, "If that Sutton girl doesn't want me to make her a star, she can Kiss My Ass! Wait a minute! Who did I just see and absolutely love? That Jason guy who was in Titanic and The Scarlet Pimpernel! That's it! In the words of my hero, Mack Sennett, 'I'll make a star and half out of THAT one!'" Quickly he ran to the nearest telephone to call Jason and make him an offer he couldn't (and wouldn't) refuse!

How's thems for vibes? Break legs!

Posted by George @ 09/08/2003 09:41 PM PST

DR Jason:

(((((Knock)))))

((((('Em))))))

(((((Dead!)))))

(Ill attempt at creating visual representation of vibrations.)

Posted by Jay @ 09/09/2003 12:08 AM PST

Meanwhile, back at the farm...

Posted by George @ 09/09/2003 01:00 AM PST

...Dainty June and her farmboys were milking Caroline.

Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/09/2003 02:33 AM PST

~~~~~~~~~~~to Jason~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted by Jrand53 @ 09/09/2003 03:36 AM PST

It was time to bring in the show doctor. George Abbott no longer available, a call was made to Bruce Kimmell.

"First thing we do," Bruce said after diagnosing the situation, "is to give that Jason kid a new number." Immediately, BK got to work, producing a show-stopper in the glorious tradition of the classic "Dancing Dildoes." It was titled, simply, "Valtzing Vibrators."

Posted by Dan-in-Toronto @ 09/09/2003 05:12 AM PST

Vibes Vibes Vibes Vibes Vibes
are wending their way across the East River and landing squarely on Jason

Good vibes, at that.

Posted by William F. Orr @ 09/09/2003 05:17 AM PST

DR Jason, you are hereby entitled to an unlimited supply of Vibes courtesy of Vibes R Us.

Use them well!

Posted by Vibes R' US @ 09/09/2003 05:29 AM PST

Thank you all for the vibes. Keep 'em comin'. I'm on my way now, though I should have been on my way half an hour ago, no thanks to one of my floormates who spent 45 minutes in the shower today. Grrr...

Anyway, here goes nothing!

Posted by Jason @ 09/09/2003 05:53 AM PST

Jason,

I've set the Vibe-O-Matic on High.

And think of it this way: they're hearing you sing for the sixth time, so they *must* like you!

Posted by Dave @ 09/09/2003 05:53 AM PST

Jason, here's a high vibe from me!

Posted by td @ 09/09/2003 06:04 AM PST