Why does it reek of Orange Chicken around here? Well, I'll tell you why it reeks of Orange Chicken around here, because this is information you cannot do without, especially on the last day of February. It reeks of Orange Chicken around here because I brought home Orange Chicken leftovers from the Chinese restaurant known as Bamboo Village and then left it out rather than putting it in the refrigerator. When I entered my handy-dandy kitchen this morning it positively reeked of Orange Chicken. And here's another story that concerns my visit to Bamboo Village. I went there, as you already know, to sup. We had Orange Chicken, Mu-shu pork, and soup. It was a fine repast. I paid with a handy-dandy credit card, had the leftovers wrapped up and went home. About an hour later I was sitting on my handy-dandy couch like so much fish and the phone rang. It was AT&T Universal Card and they were apologizing for the late call. I immediately assumed something had gone amiss when they charged the card or something, until I quickly remembered I hadn't used that card. No, they were calling to tell me that Bamboo Village had called them to say I'd left my handy-dandy wallet in the restaurant. I thanked the nice lady profusely, called the restaurant and thanked the owner profusely and then drove over (they were closed, but he waited for me) and picked up the wallet. How senile is that? Well, it's a first, thank goodness, and hopefully a last. And how cool is Bamboo Village, first of all for being honest, second of all for having the presence of mind to call the credit card company and third of all for waiting for me? Pretty damn cool in my book (Chapter 18 - The Bamboo Village is The Damn Coolest). So, my recommendation is that if you must leave your wallet somewhere, do it at the Bamboo Village.

My that was a long and pointless story. Have I mentioned that it reeks of Orange Chicken around these parts? Have I mentioned that this is the last day of February and how quickly February flew by, rather like an Olympic high-speed runner on his way to eat Ethiopian food. Let's all be like Olympic high-speed runners on their way to eat Ethiopian food and see how fast we can click on that Unseemly Button below. On your mark... Get set... Go!

- Thursday, February 28, 2002 @ 09:05 AM PST

Wednesday, February 27, 2002

Last night, B... My Name is Bruce saw A... My Name Is Alice, at the Colony Theater in Burbank, California. First of all, the Colony Theater is a beautiful space. I wish I understood or could get with shows like A... My Name Is Alice, but I suppose musicals with elipses in the titles are beyond me. I just never really understood the point of the evening. It was just a bunch of numbers strung together in a happenstance way, all, of course, about women. But, the targets were predictable, and some have become quite dated. There were either funny numbers or moving numbers. The funny numbers were never really funny enough, and the moving numbers were never really moving enough. Some of this could be the fault of the production I was seeing. While there was certainly talent on the stage, everyone but the lovely Cindy Benson, tended to play out, play too big, as if they were playing a show at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion rather than the intimate Colony Theater. Certainly that kind of large playing doesn't suit this kind of material especially well, and presentational or "indicating" performances just don't do it for me. But the audience seemed to be having a good and fine time, so what do I know? Go down there if you're in the area, and see for yourselves. This is the same theater company that is currently doing a well-reviewed production of Side Show, which I shall try to see next week.

What am I, Ken Mandelbaum all of a sudden? Whilst at The Colony, I ran into an old acquaintence of mine, Miss Linden Waddell. I discovered Miss Waddell many year ago, when I did my musical Stages at Los Angeles City College - where she was a student at the time. Miss Waddell has gone on to do many shows, including the very long original LA run of Cats. She looked swell, has two children and a husband and it was nice to connect with her again. She was wonderful in Stages, singing a song (she reminded me) called The Girl That Men Go Mad For - a song that I have absolutely no memory of - isn't that weird? I'll have to whip out the album and remind myself what it is.

Have I mentioned that I'm getting my teeth cleaned by Dr. Chew? Yesterday I bought the DVD of the complete first season of The Larry Sanders Show, which I'm looking forward to starting this very evening. Well, as they used to say on the Howdy Doody show - "Do you know what time it is?" It's time to click that ridiculous Unseemly Button, that's what time it is.

- Wednesday, February 27, 2002 @ 09:28 AM PST

Tuesday, February 26, 2002

A COCKROACH IN A BOWL OF WHEATIES Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

I'm excited like a cockroach in a bowl of Wheaties,
I am thrilled just like a wombat eating fries.
I'm a lucky so and so, I've got two sweeties
And I love 'em cause my sweeties are my sweetie pies

I'm excited like a spider in a bowl of chili,
I am jazzed just like a gerbel eating fudge.
I know you think that two for one is just plain silly
But I love 'em and I'll keep 'em and I just won't budge

One is named Roberta, one is named Suzette
You can call me Harry 'cause how Harry can things get?
I love it!

I'm excited like a cockroach in a bowl of Wheaties
I am hopping like a hamster eating ham...
I'm as kooky as a calf who's eating red meat
And though I know someday I may end up as dead meat
Right now I'm happy as a cockroach in a bowl of Wheaties
With my sweeties I'm as happy as a clam
Who's eating oysters...
With my sweet potatoes, yes I really yam.
I really mean it
With my sweet potatoes, yes I really yam!

That is just a classic of wordplay, isn't it? That Ernest Ernest really was one of the best. And the perky Hinky Meltz tune is just a perfect compliment. This song was originally recorded by Wyatt Simkin and his Merry Eight way back in 1943.

Tonight I'll be attending opening night of a musical entitled A...My Name Is Alice. I know nothing of this show at all, except that it has an interesting array of composer/lyricists. I'll have a full report tomorrow. Do you know what time it is, dear readers? Why, yes, it's time to click on that stupid Unseemly Button below. On the count of three... One, two, three.

- Tuesday, February 26, 2002 @ 08:36 AM PST

Monday, February 25, 2002

Where was I? Oh, yes, it's funn here in Southern California right now. The days are hot and sunny and gorgeous, yet the nights get very chilly. For example, last night was so chilly that I decided to have some chili for dinner because I felt it would warm me up. I like having chili on a chilly evening. Especially if it's good chili. Last night's chilly was not good chili, however. It was mediocre chile and by the fourth bite I was bored as a cockroach attending a masked ball and if you've ever seen a cockroach attending a masked ball you know just how bored I was. Luckily, we'd ordered some appetizers, too, so I just ate those. I went back to the chili a bit later, to see if it was less mediocre, but by then the chili was chilly and worthless.

Yesterday, I attended the 70th Birthday Concert for John Williams at the Dorothy Chandler. It was an entire program of Mr. Williams' compositions, with special guest star Yo Yo Ma, who brought along his cello. It was a splendid affair. Mr. Williams is the real deal - a great film composer, a great conductor, and his classical music, albeit different than his film music, is wonderful. We had great seats, too, right there in the sixth row. Let's all click on that Unseemly Button below so we can find out more about this lovely concert.

- Monday, February 25, 2002 @ 09:05 AM PST

Sunday, February 24, 2002

Last night I saw Mr. Neil Simon's Biloxi Blues. I thought the play very interesting (somehow I've missed it all these years), very funny, very weird and, at times, very sweet. The Sgt. character is masterfully drawn, as are the recruits. Interestingly, Mr. Simon's alter ego doesn't seem to be as interesting as the other characters around him - maybe that's the point, but I wanted more of Eugene in this show. Perhaps if a stronger actor had been playing the part I wouldn't have felt so. This production is a bit on the lazy side, pace-wise, a bit flaccid. Well, the show started at nine and finished at eleven thirty-five, which seems long to me. We're not talking Eugene O'Neill here, we're talking Neil Simon here, and the scenes needed to be punchier.

Oops, there I go again, writing all the notes in the first section - I keep forgetting about the Unseemly Button and its need to be clicked. So damn needy, this Unseemly Button is. Click me, click me, click me. Whine, whine, whine. Oh, let's click the damn thing and give the devil his due, whatever the hell that means.

- Sunday, February 24, 2002 @ 09:56 AM PST

Saturday, February 23, 2002

And just what is the word "ass" doing in "morass"? It's so rude. Couldn't it be "morbutt" or "morrearend"? That would be ever so much more gentile. And just how did gentiles get into this? What do gentiles have to do with "morass"? I have always found that gentiles have "lessass" but that is another story altogether. Don't mind me, I'm just sitting here like so much fish, typing away, sinking into a morbutt of nothingness.

I know you'll all be happy to hear that I only lost three dollars at poker last night, not bad for an evening's entertainment. I also attended a rehearsal for our Tourette's Syndrome benefit, with the sultry Sally Kellerman, who is going to be wonderful, singing the Julius and Cissy Wechter song, Warm. I then saw a roughcut of the first thirty-eight minutes of the Nudie Musical documentary. How was it, you might ask, and I might tell you but before I do, isn't it time we all clicked on that Unseemly Button below before we all sink into a morass of nothingness?

- Saturday, February 23, 2002 @ 09:16 AM PST

Friday, February 22, 2002

Is that the longest paragraph ever written? I will be bitch-slapped for sure now. Watching the credits of the Donny and Marie Show I remembered that their musical director/arranger was the great Tommy Wolf. I remember going up to him immediately and fawning over him and telling him he was a huge hero of mine. He was very touched because I don't believe anyone had fawned over Mr. Wolf in quite some years. But Mr. Wolf (along with Fran Landesman) wrote one of my all-time favorite songs - Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most, along with the musical The Nervous Set (coming soon on DRG). In any case, watching the show was a shocking experience, there are no two or even three ways about it.

Oh, we really must click on that tiresome Unseemly Button below, so we can get on with these here notes.

- Friday, February 22, 2002 @ 09:09 AM PST

Thursday, February 21, 2002

I must write these here notes with haste, and of course I'll try to write them with taste and have them not be a waste. I must be off shortly to have breakfast with our very own Susan Egan and bad boy Jason Graae. I will tell each of them hello from all of you.

I picked up the advance copy of Stavisky yesterday and watched a bit of it last night. It's a beautifully photographed and directed film - I don't know that it's to everyone's taste, but this transfer is fantastic, in fact, the film has never looked this good. Belmondo is terrific, as is Charles Boyer in one of his final screen roles (I think it was his final role). Mr. Stephen Sondheim's score is gorgeous (orchestrated, of course, by Tunick). It's occasionally not edited into the film especially well, but the melodies (yes, Virginia, melodies) are wonderful (a couple of them were recycled cut things from the Follies score). No extras, but who cares when the enhanced transfer looks this good?

I was so pleased to see that we achieved twenty count them twenty posts yesterday. I feel we are coming into our own, at long last. So, tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the man on the street or the woman in the window to all come to haineshisway.com every day. Visit in the morning with your morning cup of coffee or Diet Coke, come at noon and eat your lunch here, or visit us after your evening repast of cheese slices and ham chunks. And post, post, post. Because until you've had the joy of clicking on the Unseemly Button you have simply not lived. In fact, let's click on it now, shall we?

- Thursday, February 21, 2002 @ 09:37 AM PST

Wednesday, February 20, 2002

Today I will be picking up a brand spanking new advance copy of Mr. Alain Resnais' film, Stavisky. I haven't seen it since I saw it way back in 1974, I think, or whenever it came out. I was in New York rehearsing a television adaptation of a play I'd done at the Mark Taper Forum, and I went to see it. I recall enjoying it. Of course, Stavisky is of interest to readers of these here notes because the musical score is by my close personal friend, Mr. Stephen Sondheim. It's a wonderful score, too, and I remember leaving the theater and going directly to a strange record shop I knew of in mid-town, a record shop that carried peculiar import titles. I just had a hunch and my hunch proved correct - they had the soundtrack to Stavisky imported from France, and I got the last copy. I couldn't play it, of course, until I got home from New York, but once I got home I wore that damn album out in short order. It's been issued on CD a couple of times, and I listen to it quite often. Anyway, I'll let you know about the DVD tomorrow.

Say, I've got an idea. Go on, say it. Say, "I've got an idea." There, that felt good, didn't it? It always is comforting to say, "I've got an idea," and comfort, as you know, should be Paramount in our lives, and also it should be 20th Century Fox or Universal. Say, I've got an idea - let's all click on that Unseemly Button below and see if anything happens.

- Wednesday, February 20, 2002 @ 09:06 AM PST

Tuesday, February 19, 2002

My diet of late has been very disturbing. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, my diet has been disturbing. I don't know what's with me, but my appetite has led me in very strange directions. Basically, I've had no appetite, so I've been eating weird things. For example, last night, for no reason whatsoever, I decided to eat twenty-six low fat crackers with cream cheese. First of all, one low fat cracker with cream cheese is nauseating enough, but twenty-six low fat crackers with cream cheese just takes nauseating into a whole new realm. Yet, there I was, sitting on my couch like so much fish, eating twenty-six low fat crackers with cream cheese. This was dinner. For lunch I had eaten perhaps the worst cheese and bacon omelet I've ever had the misfortune to stick down my gaping maw. It was at a diner that had been highly touted and which is quite popular with those who live in the Marina (del Rey). I had a meeting there regarding the benefit for Tourette's Syndrome which I'm directing. By the way, tickets are now on sale for the benefit, which honors the memory and music of Mr. Julius Wechter. I'll have complete information for you in tomorrow's notes.

In any case, I would not recommend eating twenty-six low fat crackers with cream cheese or a cheese and bacon omelet at the highly touted diner in Marina del Rey. Oh, I also ate some sushi that I bought at Tader Joe's market. I don't eat raw fish (well, lox occasionally), so I bought a package that contained two shrimps and a California Roll. That would be a good title for a Disney movie, wouldn't it? Two Shrimps and a California Roll. Now wait just a darned minute. That sounds familiar. I'll be right back.

I knew it sounded familiar. Two Shrimps and a California Roll is a song by Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest! Those boys really had their pulse on the fingers of America, I'll tell you that and more. I'll print a little of it later, but for now let me just say that the rice that the shrimp and California Roll was ensconced in was just a bit too sticky and a bit too sweet and was, in its own sweet way, as nauseating as the twenty-six low fat crackers with cream cheese which I ate to cut the sweet and sticky taste of the Two Shrimps and a California Roll. Oh, shouldn't we all click the Unseemly Button below before I vomit?

- Tuesday, February 19, 2002 @ 09:38 AM PST

Monday, February 18, 2002

I picked up a few of the brand spanking new Frank Sinatra CD reissues. These are 24 bit remasterings of CDs I already have, but these clearly have more bits than my others, so I figured they were a necessity. I haven't listened to them yet (well, I only bought two - the marvelous No One Cares album, conducted and arranged by the marvelous Gordon Jenkins, and a very strange album entitled Tone Poems of Color, which is not sung by Mr. Sinatra, but is conducted by Mr. Sinatra. This was also out on CD, albeit very very briefly, and has been something of a collector's item. This album has original compositions by a variety of terrific composers, most of whom have written film scores. They include Victor Young, Gordon Jenkins, Billy May, Jeff Alexander, Alec Wilder, Nelson Riddle, Elmer Bernstein and Andre Previn. I also picked up Mr. Previn's new recording of Korngold film scores, but there's nothing here we haven't heard before, nothing compelling, just new renditions of old favorites that have been done a bit better (and sometimes a lot better) elsewhere.

I also watched a truly annoying DVD last night, entitled Original Sin, starring Mr. Antonio Banderas and Ms. Angelina Jolie. I know, I know, why did I bother? Well, it so happens that Original Sin is based on a book by Cornell Woolrich, Waltz Into Darkness, and I'm very fond of Mr. Woolrich. This particular novel had already been turned into a film before by Mr. Truffaut (The Mississippi Mermaid). His film was a hit and miss affair. This new film is simply a miss affair, a misfire, a mistake. It's a period piece, a "steamy thriller" according to the box (based on two brief love scenes in which there is definitely a lot of non-period type fooling around). May I just say that the charms of Ms. Angelina Jolie totally escape me. She spends half the film doing one of those awful high schooly phony baloney pseudo English-flavored accents, and half the film not doing it (there could be justification for this choice, but the places she does and doesn't do it would preclude that justification). Mr. Banderas is a decent actor, but I simply don't understand what he says a lot of the time. This thing was written and directed by Mr. Michael Cristofer. I can't really blame him, he just isn't equipped to direct anything, let alone a "steamy thriller". He has a decent cameraman, so it's not inept, but he does all those things directors who don't know how to direct do - jump cuts in the middle of shots, dissolves in the middle of shots, it's just mesmerizingly bad in that modern filmmaking way. I do blame the people who hired him, who read this awful script and said "yes" and then who made the decision to let him direct (based on what, I'd like to know). Mr. Cristopher once wrote a decent play entitled The Shadow Box. That writer is not in evidence here. Of course the film tanked, and deservedly so.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Enough, already. I also watched the non-steamy thriller, Don't Say A Word with Mr. Michael Douglas, directed by the truly untalented Gary Fleder (Kiss the Girls). But more about that later, because it's time to click the Unseemly Button below.

- Monday, February 18, 2002 @ 10:04 AM PST

Sunday, February 17, 2002

Last night a friend of mine had a screening of A.I. in his handy-dandy screening room, and because I've only seen it on the big screen once, I decided to go. I still think the film wonderful and, in fact, it gets better with subsequent viewings. The crowd seemed to really enjoy it, too. One frequent attendee to these screenings at my friend's handy-dandy screening room is Mr. George Chakiris. Yes, Virginia, Mr. George Chakiris, Mr. Bernardo himself. He is a very nice man, very cordial and friendly. But, I am here to tell you, Mr. George Chakiris must have a painting in his cellar or closet, a painting like Mr. Dorian Gray has, because, if I'm doing the math right, Mr. George Chakiris has to be seventy. And if a person can be seventy and look as good as Mr. George Chakiris looks, well, there's hope for us all then. I mean, he doesn't look good for seventy, he looks good for sixty or even fifty.

When I awoke this morning, my eye was bothering me. This seemed strange to me, as I most certainly hadn't done anything to my eye, so why should my eye feel it should bother me? It began to feel like a pesky something-or-other had gotten in there (a bit of eyelash - some sleep guck - a pillow?). An hour later, it still feels that way, although not as bad. However, I now have a very red right eye, which is quite unseemly. I do hope that this pesky something-or-other will go find another eye to have sport in.

Has anyone noticed that I seem to be writing the entire notes in this teaser section? Oh, I'm in for a bitch-slapping for sure, because Mr. Mark Bakalor will not tolerate this sort of thing. He is a tough webmaster, you know. As webmaster, he parades around his house in leather, brandishing a whip and a shiny pair of handcuffs. He's really into this webmaster thing, let me tell you that. Well, perhaps we'd all better click on that Unseemly Button before he tries to put a choke chain around our collective necks and have us get on all fours.

- Sunday, February 17, 2002 @ 08:49 AM PST

Saturday, February 16, 2002

I was very happy indeed to see how many posts were made yesterday. It really did resemble an actual message board without being an actual message board. We have outwitted those who thought this sort of thing impossible without having an actual message board, because we don't have an actual message board and yet what we have is just as good, if not better, because it's ours. So, not only can you respond to the day's topic of discussion, you can have an ongoing dialogue with other Hainsies or Kimlets or what-have-yous. Dear reader Lulu wanted us to reach twenty posts so that I would dance the pudding dance. However, I shall dance the pudding dance anyway, because frankly or even johnly I will dance the pudding dance at the drop of a hat. Excuse me for a moment.

There, I have dropped a hat and will now dance the pudding dance, even though it's a bit unseemly to do so this early in the morning. I shall dance the Butterscoth Pudding dance, whilst wearing a tam and a kilt. Please, join in, but be sure to wear a tam and a kilt, not necessarily in that order.

Well, that was exhilarating. Not merely hilarating, mind you, no it was exhilarating. I am exhilarated, as I hope are you. In fact, the only thing to do when one is this exhilarated is to click on the Unseemly Button below.

- Saturday, February 16, 2002 @ 09:26 AM PST

Friday, February 15, 2002

Well, these here notes are off to a fine start, aren't they? Given the lateness of the hour what else can one expect. We must simply write, write, write, and whatever comes out will simply have to be right, right, right, it will simply have to do. I presume that everyone had a wonderful day yesterday eating heart-shaped cheese slices and ham chunks and being all romantic and gushy and kissing and fondling and dancing the Carioca. I, for one, danced the tap-tap-Tapioca (from Thoroughly Modern Millie) and then I ate some Rice Pudding. Perhaps I should have danced the r-r-Rice Pudding and then eaten some tapioca pudding. That might have been a nice change of pudding pace. And just who, pray tell, invented the word "pudding"? Just look at it. "Pudding". Somebody somewhere was boiling up some chocolate glop, looked at it and said, "Hey, wait, I know, I'll call this chocolate glop "pudding".
I like whipped cream on my pudding, don't you? Of course, what the cream did to deserve the whipping is another story. Well, I'll tell you, the cream was being sour and it simply had to be whipped, if only to teach it a lesson, sour cream-wise. What the hell am I talking about? I do believe I have gone off on a tangent. In any case, I am presuming everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day because they certainly weren't posting. Yes, Virginia, we had very few posts yesterday. Let's have lots more today.

Last night I finally sat down to watch a movie I have been avoiding like the plague. Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I'd never seen the stage show, which everyone told me was most excellent. I'd heard the album and thought it was okay. I could just never get up the energy to go see the thing, either in New York or here. Then I heard all the raves for the film, and how brilliantly directed it was and I saw how it made several ten best lists. So, I bought the DVD and finally plopped it in the machine. What did I think? Well, let's all click the Unseemly Button and find out, shall we?

- Friday, February 15, 2002 @ 10:06 AM PST

Thursday, February 14, 2002

Oh, I am feeling so very romantic today. I just gave myself a big hug and myself gave me a big hug right back. Oh, I am tingling with romanticism. But more about that later.

Yesterday, dear reader Michael Shayne posted a very long list of fondly remembered tv movies from the 70s (if you've missed the last couple of days' notes, merely click on the Unseemly Button to catch up - have you ever tried to catch "up"? "Up" is a slippery little devil, so move quickly is what I say). At the very end of his list he wrote about a tv movie entitled The Adventures of Freddy. Now, The Adventures of Freddy is a fairly obscure tv movie so what are the odds that he would mention it? It starred Michael Burns as Freddy and Mr. Shayne wondered what has become of Mr. Burns, who was a very charming actor. Well, since I am a fountain of information, I shall tell you what became of Mr. Burns and I shall tell you a quite amusing story about The Adventures of Freddy, which you simply will not believe. In fact, it will come upon you unawares, much as Valentine's Day did me. However, first we must all do that extremely tiresome thing, we must all click on the Unseemly Button below. Since it is Valentine's Day, a day of romance, perhaps we should all kiss the Unseemly Button below, but not with our tongues, because that would be just a bit too unseemly for even the Unseemly Button.

- Thursday, February 14, 2002 @ 09:33 AM PST

Wednesday, February 13, 2002

This flu, or illness or whatever the hell it is, just hangs on. I haven't gotten really sick, but I haven't gotten really better. Just when I think I'm almost really better, I'm really not. And so it goes.

Something else very interesting happened yesterday and it happened right here at haineshisway.com. It was a first really, and I was totally thrilled to see it happen. Just what was it that happened at haineshisway.com yesterday? Well, perhaps we should all click that Unseemly Button below and find out.

- Wednesday, February 13, 2002 @ 08:22 AM PST

Tuesday, February 12, 2002

Last night I dreamed I was at Manderly, or, as has now been pointed out to me, Manderley. I can't remember the details of the dream anymore, other than at the very end of it some evil person was trying to hold me down and cause me grief and I actually took a punch at them. I know this because I woke up, not screaming, but throwing a punch right into my headboard, which isn't made of board, it's iron or something so why am I calling it a headboard? Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I threw a punch at that thing that is at the head of the bed. What is that thing at the head of the bed? You know, the frontispiece or the headboard that isn't a board, what in tarnation do they call that thing, there's an official name for a thing at the head of the bed, besides headboard, and I can't think of it now come hell or high water. And while we're at it, just what does "come hell or high water" mean? What does it have to do with the price of tomatoes? Anyway, it's a good thing I was alone in the bed or I might have decked an unsuspecting bed-partner.

Well, shall I tell you about what a funny and interesting day it was yesterday? Shall I tell you who won the trivia contest (Yes, Virginia, we had multiple winners)? Shall we all click on the Unseemly Button below before I try to knock out my headboard which isn't a headboard?

- Tuesday, February 12, 2002 @ 08:41 AM PST

Monday, February 11, 2002

I have been forced of late to revisit other things lately, as well, and those revisitings have been interesting, too, not always in a pleasant way. But more about that later.

I am currently sucking on a Ricola, a curious thing to do at five-thirty in the morning. What that has to do with the price of tamales is anyone's guess. Here is another interesting fact: I have never eaten a tamale. Why is that? I think it's because I don't like the word "tamale". "Enchilada" has a nice ring to it, as does "taco" and "taquito" and even "guacamole". But "tamale" sounds yechhhy to me so I've never tried one. That's right, you heard it here, dear readers, I've never said "Hello, Tamale" - on the other hand, I have said, "Ta tamale". But more about that later.

Geez, I'm writing the entire notes in the teaser box. How unseemly of me. I will now be bitch-slapped for sure. Let's all click on that damnable Unseemly Button below before someone has a hissy fit.

- Monday, February 11, 2002 @ 06:55 AM PST

Sunday, February 10, 2002

WHAT'S GNU? Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

What's gnu?
Pardon, but you're on my shoe.
I wish you'd take a hike
You are bad gnus - bad gnus I don't like

What's gnu?
You're like a bad case of flu
You make me want to heave,
That is the gnews, now I have to leave.

What's gnu?
Why don't you go sniff some glue.
I really hate your guts
Frankly, my dear, you're driving me gnuts
No ifs or butts

We're through
Why would I stay with a gnu?
You lousy so and so
That's how I feel - I thought you should gknow.

I think that's one of their finest efforts, don't you? No one wrote songs like Meltz and Ernest and, in fact, Meltz and Ernest wrote songs like no one.

Well, perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button below and see what awaits us there.

- Sunday, February 10, 2002 @ 10:07 AM PST

Saturday, February 9, 2002

Wasn't that an interesting dream? Today is our Unseemly Trivia Contest day - we have a toughie this week, courtesy of Mr. William Lurie. We'll discover what that question is a bit later.

Discover is an interesting word, isn't it? It is made up of the words "disc" and "over", which, when joined make a whole new word which has nothing to do with "discs" or "overs". Unless, for example, you discover a disc you'd overlooked. There are all kinds of discoveries. For example, Christopher Columbus made an important discovery, didn't he? Thomas Edison made an important discovery, as well. In fact, they all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round. Then there is discovery in terms of a legal lawsuit. That is a whole other kettle of you-know-what. In a legal lawsuit, discovery is when each party involved in a litigation gets to "discover" what the other party has in terms of evidence. Isn't that interesting? For example, in a form interrogatory, they ask such interesting discovery questions as "Do you speak English?" And the very important question, "What high school did you attend?" Why, if you were involved in a lawsuit, knowing what high school the other party went to would be so helpful, wouldn't it? Well, I think we've had enough of discovering the word discover, don't you?

Did you know that I discovered the cheese slice and that when I did they all laughed? Well, why don't we stop beating a dead horse (no mean feat) and proceed to click on the Unseemly Button below, where, perhaps, we will have more discoveries.

- Saturday, February 9, 2002 @ 09:34 AM PST

Friday, February 8, 2002

On Monday and Tuesday, we will be doing the commentary tracks and on-camera interviews for our faux documentary about the making of The First Nudie Musical. I haven't seen some of these folks for twenty-seven years, so it should be interesting. Cindy Williams will be there, along with Stephen Nathan, Leslie Ackerman, Alan Abelew and many of the supporting cast. We shall, of course, have a plentiful supply of cheese slices and ham chunks for the shoot. It's all being done very tongue-in-cheek, and will hopefully be fun.

Have I mentioned that I'm groggy? And achy? I can barely see the screen as I type these fershluaganah notes. Actually, that reminds me of a song that the great Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest wrote. It's called Groggy and Achy. Let me see if I can find the music. Ah, here it is.

GROGGY AND ACHY Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

Groggy and achy
And sneezing and coughing
Wretching and shvitzing
And all 'cause of you
'Cause you gave me the flu

Yes, you infected me and ran -
And now I feel all
Groggy and achy
And nauseous and yechhhy
And queasy and all because of you.

You know I just need to lie down
I need sleep
But I keep blowing my nose
You know my Kleenex just ran out
What to do?
Toilet paper - use the toilet paper

'Cause I'm blowing and hocking
And pissy and foggy
Groggy and achy
And all because of you
Giving me the flu.
What I'd really like to do
Is give it back to you.

Isn't that a good Meltz and Ernest song? Well, perhaps we should all click on that Unseemly Button below, whilst I blow my nose.

- Friday, February 8, 2002 @ 09:37 AM PST

Thursday, February 7, 2002

I cannot concentrate. My eyes are watery and glassy, not necessarily in that order. Perhaps I'll get some authentic Chicken Soup later. They say that authentic Chicken Soup has healing properties. I've always liked healing properties, especially Boardwalk and Park Place. Oh, now, you see, I'm so sick I've started to use Monopoly metaphors. Once the Monopoly metaphors start, well, the only conceivable thing to do is to click on the Unseemly Button below and hope they go away.

- Thursday, February 7, 2002 @ 09:59 AM PST

Wednesday, February 6, 2002

Last night, my friend David Wechter and I went out to the Commerce Casino to brainstorm. We always like to brainstorm in a poker casino. We spent two hours brainstorming over a lovely supper, and then we decided, as long as we were there anyway, to play a little poker. I am happy to report that we both won, and interestingly we both won the exact same amount of money. My goodness, they've turned the Commerce Casino into a real showplace. First of all, they've gone and built a huge hotel next to it, which, of course, leads directly into the casino. The casino itself is twice as big as it was, with many more games to choose from. I'm sad to report that they no longer have any "draw poker" games - it's all stud, hi-lo, hold 'em, asian poker, pai gow, etc. I played seven card stud and had a very good time indeed. The only down side to the whole evening was that I began having allergy problems and my throat started bugging me, and this morning I awoke with a sore throat. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I have an angry throat. What did I do to my throat that it should be sore? Nothing, that's what. I treat my throat like gold and this is what I get in return. Perhaps if I start treating my throat as a throat rather than a precious metal, that will make a difference. In any case, I do hope it goes away soon.

I see by my bitch-slap clock, that it is time for us all to click on the Unseemly Button below, so we can find out more Unseemly Things.

- Wednesday, February 6, 2002 @ 08:56 AM PST

Tuesday, February 5, 2002

"Where can I go On the internet to complain about Haines changing the quality of there socks...?"

Needless to say, I was shocked and dismayed by this e-mail. I called Guy Haines immediately and asked him point blank if he had changed the quality of his socks. He assured me that not only has he not changed the quality of his socks, he hasn't even changed his socks. And he wonders why no one wants to be around him. I was determined to get to the bottom of this, however, and I grilled Mr. Haines mercilessly. I didn't broil or fry Mr. Haines mercilessly, mind you, no I grilled him mercilessly, which is much healthier. But Mr. Haines never wavered. Then I noticed that the author of the e-mail had inadvertantly left the "i" out of "there" (as in "their socks") and had inadvertantly put an "i" in Haines (as in Hanes). And therin lies both confusion and madness. A simple "i" can mean so much, Haines-wise. My question is this: Has Hanes changed the quality of their socks? If so, let me know, so I can give this fellow who e-mailed me an answer.

By the way, I haven't changed the quality of my socks, my socks are of excellent quality - in fact, the thought of wearing socks with less quality makes me want to vomit. There, I've said it and I'm glad.

Someone came to this here site in the wee hours of the morning and performed a search for Misty Cotton. No, that is not a brand of underwear, it is a very talented performer named Misty Cotton. Misty, by the way, is currently playing either Daisy or Violet in the West Coast premiere of Side Show, and she got excellent reviews. I really must go see it. There was a time (recently) when every single reading of a musical I would attend would have Misty Cotton in it. I do think that Misty Cotton would be a good name for a line of underwear, though, don't you? As long as they didn't change the quality.

Why am I writing the entire notes in this teaser section? Am I looking to get bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor? Fat chance, since Mr. Mark Bakalor is off doing the Hora or whatever the hell he's off doing. The exciting news is that at the eleventh hour we had a trivia contest winner. So, let's all click on the Unseemly Button below and find out just who the eleventh hour winner is, along with the correct answer.

- Tuesday, February 5, 2002 @ 08:18 AM PST

Monday, February 4, 2002

I do believe Mr. Donald Feltham has a brand spanking new The Broadway Radio Show up and running, with special guest, Sharon McNight. One dear reader reported there was trouble in paradise, that he couldn't get the radio show to work. I, of course, forwarded his e-mail to Mr. Mark Bakalor, who apparently is too busy to answer his e-mails these days, because I've had no answer to any of my last few e-mails. I feel we will have have to bitch-slap Mr. Mark Bakalor because, after all, he is not being part of the action, he is sitting on the sidelines, he is not marching in the parade, he is not one of the boys in the band, he is not part of the stew, he is not a member of the club, he is not any of the other metaphors I've forgotten. Hopefully, everything is working fine and dandy. He had told me that there were some server problems and that we were getting a backup server so problems could be avoided like my e-mails.

I have received my fourth and last blurb for the book, this one from mystery novelist, Dick Lochte, who wrote one of the best first mysteries I've ever read, Sleeping Dog. He's written three others in that series, plus another series which takes place in New Orleans and which includes the marvelous Blue Bayou and The Neon Smile. He also co-writes mysteries with Christopher Darden, has been the theater critic for Los Angeles Magazine and for years wrote the Book Notes section of the Los Angeles Times Sunday Book Review. To see his blurb for my book, simply click on the Unseemly Button below and you will be whisked away to Blurbland.

- Monday, February 4, 2002 @ 09:06 AM PST

Sunday, February 3, 2002

Last night I dreamed I was at Manderly. I also had a weird but pleasant dream. In this dream, my daughter was seven or eight, and we were at the beach getting ready to go to temple (in fact, I don't think my daughter has ever set foot in a temple). All the things at the beach were circa the 50s even though this had to be the mid-to late 70s. Anyway, we were passing by several shops and there was a sign I'd never seen, which said, "Fresh homemade donuts". I said, "Let's go get some." Then a friend of mine, Becky Logan (who I haven't seen in many years) and a friend of hers were suddenly there, and we all went upstairs to this donut place. I bought my daughter a chocolate eclair with fresh whipped cream, a glazed donut for me (it most certainly was a dream because in life I would have had a chocolate donut, or anything with fresh whipped cream), and I think Becky and friend got a jelly donut. Then I woke up. That was kind of a boring dream, wasn't it. I feel that dream could have used a little plot, don't you? I feel we should all click the Unseemly Button below and perhaps then we can have a little plot.

- Sunday, February 3, 2002 @ 08:38 AM PST

Saturday, February 2, 2002

Did you know that "conundrum" spelled backwards is murdnunnoc?

Did you know that today is Unseemly Trivia Contest day?

I have seen many many motion pictures in my time, dear readers, but not all motion pictures. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, there are still motion pictures from the Golden Age that I have not seen. That is a good thing, because wouldn't life be a boring old thing if one had seen every single motion picture ever made and therefore had nothing to discover? Did anyone notice that the last sentence started out as a statement and ended up as a question? How many other things can we name that started out as a statement and ended up as a question? In any case, I picked up quite a few of next week's DVDs yesterday, and amongst them was a motion picture I hadn't seen. To find out the name of this motion picture that I'd never seen, I do believe we'll all have to click on that Unseemly Button below. Whilst doing that, I must tell you that the bird is outside singing "Dinner For One Please, James". How many birds can sing that song? In fact, how many people can sing that song? How many things start off as statements and end up as questions? Why am I still typing when we're all supposed to be clicking that ridiculous Unseemly Button below?

- Saturday, February 2, 2002 @ 09:18 AM PST

Friday, February 1, 2002

Unfortunately, Diana Canova cannot make it out to do the commentary track with Cindy Williams and Stephen Nathan, but we will be doing her interview for the documentary in New York. The documentary should be fun, as the film has a very wacky history and I think it will amuse people to find out how long it took and how many roads we went down before it actually got made.

As many of you dear readers know, I've been transfering some valued VHS tapes to DVD, to save them and have them in a format which will not deteriorate. I've been checking them out as they get done. So, let's all click on the fershluganah Unseemly Button below and find out more.

- Friday, February 1, 2002 @ 09:45 AM PST