I just saw the latest galley of my very own novel and I’m happy to report that outside of just a handful of minor errors that it finally looks great and I think it will be put to bed by week’s end. Mr. Mark Bakalor is finally going to get around to adding two brand spanking new sections to the site – one for The First Nudie Musical and one for my novel, Benjamin Kritzer. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? It should happen in the next couple of weeks, so keep your eyes peeled (no mean feat). If the new sections are not ready in the next couple of weeks, Mr. Mark Bakalor will not be foregoing the flogging, let me tell you that. First of all, isn’t Mr. Mark Bakalor just the type to have a pair of leather pants lying around?

I took some new-fangled prescription allergy pill (can’t remember the name) that someone thought I should try, but I must say it is not agreeing with me. I feel every thing and everyone should agree with me and yet these pills have the temerity to disagree with me and, in fact, to make me feel queasy. Back to the Actifed tomorrow.

Last night I watched a documentary on DVD, about the great film director, Akira Kurosawa. I really like many of his films and was looking forward to this documentary. It has its moments, but I’m afraid it’s one of these arty and pretentious things that appear to be more about the makers of the documentary than Mr. Kurosawa. The nice bits are the readings from Mr. Kurosawa’s Something Like and Autobiography, read by Mr. Paul Scofeld. Mr. Sam Shepard, who narrates, is a curious choice in many ways, mostly because he is a boring speaker. The documentary has several nice clips, but totally ignores several of my favorite Kurosawa films, including one of my top five – High and Low. Anyway, one does learn a bit about the man, and he’s an interesting study.

Well, I know you’re all ready to skip ahead anyway, to find out the answer to our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest question, so we all may as well click on the Unseemly Button below because all, who it turns out is not modest, is waiting to be revealed.

- Tuesday, April 30, 2002 @ 08:57 AM PST

Monday, April 29, 2002

I have not gone into great detail about the production process on the behemoth known as this benefit. These things are crazy – you rehearse each act separately, the acts never really see each other until the day of the show, the bands rehearse separately and, unlike some other benefits, we never had even a full run-through in show order until last night’s actual show in the actual theater.

The Wechters first asked me to be involved in this benefit a year ago. Since I had attended many benefits but never actually directed one, I told them my concerns and asked for them to trust me in terms of pacing and how it should all be put together, because I was determined to avoid the pitfalls that are inherent in charity benefits. Even though I knew that we, in fact, wouldn’t avoid all of them (you simply can’t) I knew if we all tried that there’d be less of them and that we could control them.

David and I both knew we wanted a scripted and highly structured show, something that we knew worked “on the page”. He did a great job, going through many many drafts of the script. At the beginning everyone wanted every single thing Julius Wechter had ever been involved with in the show. My job was to keep making everyone focus on the important things and to tell a story. It was sometimes difficult, because this was so personal for everyone, especially Cissy Wechter. But David and I have worked together for so many years and he is such a good writer that he totally understood what had to be done. Early on, we made the decision to have a lot of video clips so that Julius would seem like he was part of the show. Video clips are a dangerous game, but David did a brilliant job of editing them, keeping them short and making sure there was always a point to them. We also had a great video projection team and I’d say that those clips were one of the highlights of the evening, crystal clear, great sound and the audience absolutely loved them.

Anyway, to make a long story long, we all worked very hard over the course of the year to really keep the evening focused and clear. I asked to be very involved in the music, and I sat in on every rehearsal with every performer right from the beginning, so that I was sure the arrangements (something I’m fanatical about) were all great and did what they needed to do. Our house band arranger, Mike Asher, did an amazing amazing amazing (that is three amazings) job and the show would not have turned out like it did if it wasn’t for his tireless efforts.

Our cast could not have been better or more wonderful to work with. Directing something like this is quite different – there are so many different personalities – from each and every guest performer, to each and every musician, to the tech people, the producers – and you have to handle each and every one of them differently. Fortunately, I like most people, so I found that part of it a lot of fun. In the last few weeks, my entire focus was making sure everyone was having a good time, doing their work, and moving forward. Interestingly, the most problematic parts of the show for me at least was the Baja Marimba Band. Before I tell you why, I think we’d better all click on the Unseemly Button below because this first section has become both unseemly and unwieldy. We simply can’t have an unwieldy section because “unwieldy” is such a stupid-looking word and I don’t like to think I would do anything that would cause the use of a word like “unwieldy”. That’s such a Jerry Lewis word, isn’t it? Let’s all put on our Jerry voice and say “unwieldy”. On the count of three – one, two, three: “Unwieldy”. That felt good. Click away.

- Monday, April 29, 2002 @ 08:42 AM PST

Sunday, April 28, 2002

Well, dear readers, don't blame me - blame it on the bossa nova, blame it on Rio, blame it on my youth, put the blame on Mame, or better yet put the blame on Mr. Mark Bakalor and his fershluganah servers. I was told we were going to have handy-dany backup servers so that unseemly things like this couldn't happen, but apparently that isn't so, at least not yet. I think we may all, at long last, get in line to bitch-slap the bitch-slapper himself, don't you think? Anyway, my notes were done and ready to go up this morning. Here they are:

Well, dear readers, here we are on the day before the Big Event. Today is our final rehearsal with the Baja Marimba Band, and then it’s showtime. It’s astonishing to think that I became involved with this benefit close to a year ago. It’s been a lot of hard work for everyone, but the person who has put in the most time, energy, blood, sweat and tears, is Cissy Wechter. She has virtually not stopped for the last three months. In any case, I shall have a full report for you on Monday morning (I will be writing tomorrow’s notes tonight as I have an eight o’clock call at the theater).

Last night I went with my friend Grant Geissman to Laurel Hall, the school his thirteen-year-old daughter attends. They are putting on Bye Bye Birdie and last night was opening night. It was a full house and we had lovely first row seats. Now, I had already seen one production of Bye Bye Birdie in a Middle School and, cute as it was, it was pretty awful and not a lot of fun to sit through. So, I was expecting the worse here, because Laurel Hall isn’t even a magnet school (the other school where I saw Birdie, was). Well, to my complete surprise, it was delightful. The kids were all good, and the Rosie was much more than that – she was really terrific, and I predict we’ll be hearing from her someday. She sang and danced well and had a good handle on the role, too. I truly love Bye Bye Birdie, and as I sat and watched I just kept thinking how much I’d like to direct a revival of it. It’s just so much fun, and the score is simply great. I ran into Jerry Houser, the original Oscy from the film Summer of ’42, who I hadn’t seen in years (his kids go to Laurel Hall). He’s coming to the benefit tomorrow, too (he’s a good friend of David Wechters). Anyway, it was a fun evening for all.

Well, you all know what today is, don’t you? Today is our Unseemly Trivia Contest, that’s what today is. And I have come up with a two-part Unseemly Triva Contest question for you to chew on. But first we must all put on our colored tights and pantaloons and prance around our homes whilst singing an ancient folk song in a native tongue. Then we must all click on the Unseemly Button below whilst doing the Bread Pudding Dance. For those who don’t know how to do the Bread Pudding Dance – jump to the right, shimmy to the left. Hop back, click your heels to the right, click your heels to the left, step, kick, kick, leap, kick touch – again. That connects with turn, turn, time step, shuffle off to Pacoima. Okay, everybody up – colored tights and pantaloons on. Ready? Here we go: Jump to the right, shimmy to the left. Hop back, click your heels to the right, click your heels to the left, step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch – again! That connects with turn, turn, time step, shuffle off to Pacoima! Wasn’t that fun? I am winded, I’ll tell you that. And now, for the final flourish: Click the Unseemly Button below.

- Sunday, April 28, 2002 @ 06:02 AM PST

Saturday, April 27, 2002

Well, dear readers, here we are on the day before the Big Event. Today is our final rehearsal with the Baja Marimba Band, and then it’s showtime. It’s astonishing to think that I became involved with this benefit close to a year ago. It’s been a lot of hard work for everyone, but the person who has put in the most time, energy, blood, sweat and tears, is Cissy Wechter. She has virtually not stopped for the last three months. In any case, I shall have a full report for you on Monday morning (I will be writing tomorrow’s notes tonight as I have an eight o’clock call at the theater).

Last night I went with my friend Grant Geissman to Laurel Hall, the school his thirteen-year-old daughter attends. They are putting on Bye Bye Birdie and last night was opening night. It was a full house and we had lovely first row seats. Now, I had already seen one production of Bye Bye Birdie in a Middle School and, cute as it was, it was pretty awful and not a lot of fun to sit through. So, I was expecting the worse here, because Laurel Hall isn’t even a magnet school (the other school where I saw Birdie, was). Well, to my complete surprise, it was delightful. The kids were all good, and the Rosie was much more than that – she was really terrific, and I predict we’ll be hearing from her someday. She sang and danced well and had a good handle on the role, too. I truly love Bye Bye Birdie, and as I sat and watched I just kept thinking how much I’d like to direct a revival of it. It’s just so much fun, and the score is simply great. I ran into Jerry Houser, the original Oscy from the film Summer of ’42, who I hadn’t seen in years (his kids go to Laurel Hall). He’s coming to the benefit tomorrow, too (he’s a good friend of David Wechters). Anyway, it was a fun evening for all.

Well, you all know what today is, don’t you? Today is our Unseemly Trivia Contest, that’s what today is. And I have come up with a two-part Unseemly Triva Contest question for you to chew on. But first we must all put on our colored tights and pantaloons and prance around our homes whilst singing an ancient folk song in a native tongue. Then we must all click on the Unseemly Button below whilst doing the Bread Pudding Dance. For those who don’t know how to do the Bread Pudding Dance – jump to the right, shimmy to the left. Hop back, click your heels to the right, click your heels to the left, step, kick, kick, leap, kick touch – again. That connects with turn, turn, time step, shuffle off to Pacoima. Okay, everybody up – colored tights and pantaloons on. Ready? Here we go: Jump to the right, shimmy to the left. Hop back, click your heels to the right, click your heels to the left, step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch – again! That connects with turn, turn, time step, shuffle off to Pacoima! Wasn’t that fun? I am winded, I’ll tell you that. And now, for the final flourish: Click the Unseemly Button below.

- Saturday, April 27, 2002 @ 02:12 PM PST

Friday, April 26, 2002

Have I mentioned that I don’t like writing these here notes as a word document? My cute handy-dandy form has nice things to look at if I’m stuck thinking about what to write. Here, if I get stuck thinking about what to write I have nothing to look at but this fershluganah word document. Plus, every time I write a word like fershluganah the word document underlines it because it doesn’t recognize the word fershluganah. I find that heinous (heinous, do you hear me?). Like it’s my problem if the fershluganah word document doesn’t recognize the word fershluganah? Look at all those underlines, that is just so annoying. Now the fershluganah word document has underlined the last bit of the last sentence because apparently I did something wrong and the word document is alerting me to the fact that I have made some kind of grammatical or punctual error and do you know what I don’t care and do you know how much I don’t care well I will tell you how much I don’t care I don’t care so much that I’m allowing this sentence to become one of those unseemly run-on sentences just so the damned word document will have to underline the entire endless barrage of words and let me know that hey I’d better put some punctuation in there I mean this word document is chiding me, dear readers, and I will not be chided do you hear me certainly not by the likes of a word document now wait just a darned minute here. Look at that mass of underlines – but I just realized that when I cut and paste this into my cute handy-dandy form that you will not see the underlines and therefore you will think I’m insane and perhaps that is the true purpose of a word document, to make people seem insane, to give them the Gaslight treatment. Well, it’s not going to work, damn the word document’s eyes. What the hell am I talking about?

Well, we’re just two days away from the Big Day, the Big Show, the Big Event. We’re all very excited indeed. We’re having one final rehearsal with the Baja Marimba Band tomorrow, and then we’re in the theater at eight in the morning on Sunday. Therefore, I will have to write Sunday’s notes on Saturday night. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Which is better than getting ahand of myself or even aknee of myself. I know they’re not words, you stupid word document.

Perhaps we should all just click on that Unseemly Button below, even though in a word document there is no Unseemly Button below, above, to the side, or anywhere else.

- Friday, April 26, 2002 @ 09:17 AM PST

Thursday, April 25, 2002

Yesterday, we broke our old record number of posts – we had over fifty count them fifty posts! Of course, many of them were from the comedy team of Miriam and Bruno so I don’t know if we can really count it as a broken record. Oh, the hell with it, let’s count it. Let’s dance the Hora whilst eating a cheese slice and a ham chunk. Let’s prance around the house in our cut-off jeans and amusing party hats. Soon we will be the most popular site on all the internet, and other sites will be jealous and scratch their heads in wonderment at how an upstart site like haineshisway.com could have so many posts in one day. You know, I feel as if I’ve written this already – I’m having a sense of déjà vu here. Of course, that is because I have written this already.

We had a terrific rehearsal yesterday with all our wonderful singers. Everything went very well – everyone knew their material, was totally professional, and Murphy Cross and I even got to fully stage three numbers. All the disparate elements of the show have been rehearsed. It would be nice if we were able to have a proper run-through of the whole show with everyone there at once, but that’s unfortunately not how these things work. The first time we run everything from start to finish is when we do the show. It’s like flying by the seat of your pants, but hopefully, since all the separate elements are well rehearsed it will all come together beautifully. We do get to be in the theater from the wee small hours of the morning on Sunday – so we will run all the light cues, do our sound checks, run numbers and entrances and exits, and test the video projection system. It’s a very big show, but I have a wonderful stage manager who I know will keep the whole thing running smoothly. “Flying by the seat of your pants”? What does that mean? I tried flying by the seat of my pants, but the seat of my pants will simply not fly, the seat of my pants is earthbound, and just sits there like so much fish, refusing to be airborne. And shouldn’t it be “by the seat of my pant”? Isn’t “pants” in fact a pair of pants, in other words two pairs of pants? No, two pairs of pants would be four pant, yes? So, a pair of pants would be two pant, yes? Isn’t that confusing? I’m beginning to pant from all this pant confusion. I feel as if I’ve written all this already. I’m having that peculiar déjà vu feeling again.

Well, we had lots of questions (some of which I’ve already answered but will answer again) so let’s all click on that Unseemly Button below (there is no Unseemly Button below because I’m not writing this where I usually do, but that is neither here nor there nor there nor here) so I can get to it.

- Thursday, April 25, 2002 @ 10:28 AM PST

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

Tonight we rehearsed with our hosts, Charlie Brill and Mitzi McCall, and also our special guest, Mr. Bill Dana. Since most of you are in other cities, I don't think I'll be giving any surprises away when I tell you that Bill is bringing Mr. Jose Jimenez with him, and it's truly hilarious. We were all roaring with laughter tonight. Tomorrow we have our huge singer and band all-day rehearsal. We have to run every number, we have to stage three numbers (my friend Murphy Cross is helping with the staging of those numbers) and everyone will be told where they enter from and how they get off, because on Sunday we have so little time before we actually do this thing, that everyone needs to know now how the whole thing works.

I've got a whole slew of new DVDs to watch, whenever I get the chance, including an advance copy of A Beautiful Mind, which I missed in theaters. I watched the first twenty minutes the other day and I must say I found it quite annoying. Hopefully it will improve. I've also transfered some more videos to DVD, including my beloved Li'l Abner. Oh, how I do love that movie. And oh what a wretched transfer that VHS tape was. That wretched transfer makes me want to retch every time I see it. It's so soft and ugly and colorless. This was a Technicolor and VistaVision film and we need a gorgeous DVD anamorphic transfer like they did for The Court Jester. Hurry up, Paramount, we Li'l Abner junkies need our fix. I also transfered one of my all-time favorite films, Mr. Federico Fellini's The White Sheik (Lo Sciecco Bianco). What a wonderful comedy, brilliantly acted by Brunella Bova and Leopoldo Trieste. Funny, warm, sad and just wonderful. Of course, I forgot to mention the great Alberto Sordi who plays The White Sheik, and Mr. Fellini's lovely wife, Giulietta Masina, who has a small role in the film. But here's the neat part about her small role - she plays Cabiria, a prostitute, and Mr. Fellini would later make a whole movie about that character, called Nights of Cabiria which, of course, served as the source material for Sweet Charity. If you've never seen The White Sheik I cannot recommend it highly enough. It's one of the greats.

What am I Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? And what in tarnation am I still doing in this first section? Quick, quick as a wink, let us all click on the Unseemly Button below before something unseemly happens.

- Wednesday, April 24, 2002 @ 12:36 AM PST

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Dear reader freedunit sent me a press release from playbill.com for the album Do I Hear A Waltz? Funny having a press release as if it were a brand spanking new album, when the album came out last November. Yes, that is mighty funny. The other funny thing is that the press release neglects to mention the producer of the album. That is mighty funny, that neglecting to mention the album producer. That almost made me do the Danny Thomas Spit Take that was so mighty funny. Oh, well, I'll bet if we all put our collective heads together we can figure out who the producer of that album is. I'll bet we could all illuminate those people over at playbill.com, that's what I think. Freedunit certainly illuminated them because he copied me on what he wrote. It was a fine thing he wrote although I think it will make not one whit of difference to them.

Have I mentioned that I am writing these notes the night before the following day? Isn't that just too too? I haven't even thought about what these here notes should have in them, content-wise. That is because I am thinking about my bed and my sheets. I am in my shorts ready to be in my sheets. Isn't that lyrical? I am in my shorts ready to be in my sheets. If that isn't a Meltz and Ernest song then I'll eat my toe.

I am happy to announce that we have a Highest Winner as well as several High Winners in our handy-dandy trivia contest. But I simply can't announce them here in this section because Mr. Mark Bakalor will come and bitch-slap every living one of us. So, let's appease him and click on that Unseemly Button below, thereby thwarting his bitch-slapping efforts. That will show him.

- Tuesday, April 23, 2002 @ 12:59 AM PST

Monday, April 22, 2002

Do you know what today is, dear readers? Yes, Virginia, we know it's Monday, but do you know what else today is? Today is the birthday of one of our dear readers, that's what today is - today is our very own Sandra's birthday. Oh, how we shall celebrate here at haineshisway.com. We shall get out our pointy party hats, we will have balloons and confetti (not necessarily in that order), we shall have ham chunks and cheese slices (not necessarily in that order), we will drink our beloved Diet Coke, and we shall dance the Hora and also the Highland Fancy because our fancy dictates that we do the Highland Fancy - in fact, I'm going to do the Highland Fancy on Highland, what do you think of that? So, let's all wish Sandra a very happy fancy shmancy birthday, by singing her Hinky Meltz's and Ernest Ernest's birthday song, I Ate a Piece of Your Birthday Cake (and I'm on The Way to the Hospital).

Dear birthday girl
I'm sending you this note
I can't sing you happy birthday
Because I ate a piece of your birthday cake
and a candle lodged in my throat.
I'm on my way to the hospital now
To have a tracheotomy.
But before I go
I'm writing so you know
That a very happy birthday it will be
And I wish you happy birthday
From me.
I've got to go now
I wish you happy birthday
From me.
The ambulence is waiting
I wish you happy birday
From me.

And in honor of Sandra's birthday, why don't we all stretch in our homes and click on the Unseemly Button below.

- Monday, April 22, 2002 @ 09:41 AM PST

Sunday, April 21, 2002

So I listened to a few of the cassettes (which I also transfered to CD) and my goodness was it an interesting and at times nauseating experience. I was already nauseous because I'd eaten Taco Bell (I like Taco Bell, and sometimes I go on a Taco Bell bender - luckily, I always lose weight when I eat there) and then some gummy candies, and the combination was simply heinous (heinous, do you hear me?). Never mix Taco Bell with gummy candies, that is my advice. Anyway, there I was listening to these various and sundried cassettes. Before I tell you about them, though I'll tell you about the rest of Sweeney Todd: The Concert DVD. I watched the second act last night - again, I thought George Hearn was excellent. Patty, I'm afraid, does not get better in Act Two, just more mannered and the accent just goes all over the place and is very distracting and annoying. Neil Patrick Harris does sing very well indeed, but he seems to have no idea who Tobias is. The last ten minutes of the show is brilliant, as always, just great writing from Mr. Stephen Sondheim. As I watched, every time someone got killed you'd suddenly get these "arty" TV moments, and even in some of the numbers you'd get weird coverage and angles and I began to wonder just who was doing the camera directing. As it turns out, it was Lonny Price, who should not go into a career in TV or film direction. However, it's all enjoyable ultimately, and as I said yesterday, you will be fairly blown away by the sound and the orchestral detail. I must say, major kudos to Rob Fisher. There is a "making of" documentary which runs about twenty-five minutes, and which features interviews with most of the cast and, of course, Mr. Sondheim (his interview, which takes place in the theater, is very hard to understand because there is so much noise going on). Mr. Sondheim seems to have his anecdotes down by heart - they are worded the same in every single interview I've ever read or heard. Curiously not amongst the interviewees is Rob Fisher, who should have been.

What am I, Ken Mandelbaum all of a sudden? I also watched the first twenty minutes of the new DVD of Butterflies Are Free, starring Edward Albert and Goldie Hawn (and Eileen Heckart). It's fun to see something this dated, and Goldie is just delightful. Mr. Albert is merely annoying, and ends all his sentences by curiously making them questions, but in a very Brit way. Mr. Albert, though, is not British, so I don't understand it really. Mr. Albert is a blind person trying to be out on his own. He's also a would-be songwriter and all through the beginning of the film he's "writing" and humming and singing "Butterflies Are Free" which, in reality, was written by none other than Mr. Stephen Schwartz, here credited as Steve Schwartz.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Look how long this section has become. We'd better all click on that Unseemly Button below before you-know-who sees what's going on.

- Sunday, April 21, 2002 @ 09:39 AM PST

Saturday, April 20, 2002

I got a very exciting thing yesterday - while I was delivering some stuff to Image Entertainment, I managed to get an advance copy of Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street: In Concert. I watched Act One last night and shall give you all my thoughts, but only if you give them back once you've digested them. But before we chew on my thoughts (one must chew on one's thoughts if one wishes to digest one's thoughts), perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button below, because Mr. Mark Bakalor has sent me fair warning that he has of late been in a bitch-slapping frenzy.

- Saturday, April 20, 2002 @ 09:44 AM PST

Friday, April 19, 2002

Last night I went to the Colony Theater to see the musical entitled Side Show. This production has become something of a sensation here in Los Angeles (well, Burbank) and has been a constant sellout and was, in fact, extended for a few weeks. But before I talk about Side Show I would like to talk about how difficult it is to lose weight once you reach a certain age. Apparently, I have reached a certain age, because it's like pulling teeth to lose a few pounds. No matter how lightly I eat, no matter how far I jog, these pounds do not want to be lost. I have yelled at these pounds - I have berated these pound, I have said to these pounds, "Get lost, get outta here, take a hike, amscray, take a one way ticket to Palookaville, hit the road, get your kicks on Route 66," and yet these pounds will not get lost, they stick around like so much fish, annoying me no end. It's not that I'm fat or anything like that, it's not that I'm not in shape or anything like that - after all, I am close to being buff and toned with abs and buns of steel; I just have these pounds I don't want and they will not go away. Oh, well, I shall keep trying, I will not give up until these damned pounds have gone the way of all flesh, whatever the hell that means. What does that mean? "The way of all flesh". Shouldn't it be the "weigh of all flesh"? Isn't that what we're talking about here? Or perhaps, "the whey of all flesh" although the curds might feel left out. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, the pounds that wouldn't go away. Well, this whole pounds thing is making me very agitated or, in musical terms, agitato. Perhaps I should eat a tomahto whilst being agitato, but not a potahto because that would only add to the pounds and make me more agitato.

Have I mentioned that certain pounds of mine will not go away? They won't, damn their eyes. In any case, I saw the musical entitled Side Show last night and as soon as we all click on that Unseemly Button below, we can see my thoughts on said Side Show.

- Friday, April 19, 2002 @ 10:12 AM PST

Thursday, April 18, 2002

Last night I watched the new DVD of Fatal Attraction, a film of Mr. Adrian Lyne. There's an interesting new documentary on the DVD and lots of extras, unusual for Paramount. The film has actually gotten better with time, because new thrillers have gotten so much worse. Fatal Attraction has now been copied so many times in so many ways by so many inferior people that the original is looking something like a minor classic. I don't love it, but it's all done very well and it's my favorite of Mr. Lyne's films (I normally don't care for his films at all). Glenn Close does an excellent job creating a woman you love to hate, and Michael Douglas and Anne Archer are both terrific. Now, hopefully, Paramount will reach into their vaults and do a DVD of Li'l Abner. The bad-looking VHS will simply not do. I do have a Technicolor 16mm print of it, but it's a pain-in-the-butt cheeks to run.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? What am I, a broken record all of a sudden? What can I do? I find repetition amusing. Besides, we must plant our Haines/Kimmelisms in the world and watch them grow like a fungus. We must nurture and water our Haines/Kimmelisms because it would be unseemly not to.

Well, well, well (that is three wells), we had a lot of questions yesterday, therefore it follows there will be a lot of answers today. But first we must all click on that Unseemly Button below because Mr. Mark Bakalor has returned from the land of the Packing Jews and he is ready, willing and able (not necessarily in that order) to bitch-slap us for the smallest infraction. Just what is an infraction. A popular fraction? What is an outfraction? A fraction nobody wants to be around? Let us ponder that, whilst clicking away.

- Thursday, April 18, 2002 @ 10:40 AM PST

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

This morning, bright and early, someone was using our handy-dandy unseemly search box and they were searching for "xm". If only they'd come an hour later they'd have gotten some hits, because I was going to write extensively about xm in today's notes. I've been meaning to write about xm for ages because I have been very neglectful of xm. I've often felt that those two letters, "x" and "m" were a perfect match because they look so incredibly stupid when placed next to each other. Just looking at those stupid letters cuddling close together gives me a case of both the warm fuzzies and the cold scuzzies, resulting in the tepid huzzies. What the hell am I talking about? Of course, our searcher could have been searching for either the film "Rocketship XM" or "X-Men". Well, I do hope our searcher comes back and gives us another try, because we do aim to please here at haineshisway.com.

I've been catching up on my CD listening at the expense of my DVD watching. Perhaps tonight I'll catch up on my DVD watching at the expense of my CD listening. I've listened to the new London recording of Rodgers and Hammerstein's South Pacific, the new Decca release of the original London Oliver! (which I've already had for years as an import - I forgot, though, and got the new Decca version of it) and best of all, a new release from the Collectables label, a two-fer of Percy Faith's soundtrack to The Love Goddesses and Percy Faith's Hollywood's Greatest Hits from 1962. Perhaps I shall tell you about said albums, but not until we all click the Unseemly Button below and say xm three times.

- Wednesday, April 17, 2002 @ 09:49 AM PST

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

Why is it that I only like foods which are contained in that spurious foodgroup? It is a conundrum, to be sure. A spurious conundrum. Speaking of spurious, something in my waiting-to-be-taken-out handy-dandy trash bag has something that smells very spurious indeed. What could it be? Some remnant of the spurious foodgroup? Or maybe some envelope that contained something that smelled to high heaven, or even low hell. Well, come hell or high heaven low water, I will take that handy-dandy trash bag out and deposit it into the handy-dandy trashcan and once again my kitchen will smell sweet and clean and non-spurious. What the hell am I talking about?

Last night I watched a brand spanking new DVD entitled The Man Who Wasn't There, a film by the brothers Coen. Before I tell you what I thought, may I just say that I am hog-tired of these idiots who write the copy on the back of the DVD? Have these people actually seen the film they're writing about? Now wait just a minute here. "Hog-tired"? That can't be right. I think it's "hog-tied". I think I inserted an unseemly "r" into an expression and made it a whole new expression. That may seem spurious to you, but I find it rather exciting. After all, hogs do get tired as well as tied. In fact they get tired of being tied, so it makes perfect sense. Where was I? Oh, yes, the idiots who write the copy on the back of the DVD packages. This copy promises a film full of "stunning revelations" and "delicious surprises" and wonderful twists. Why is it that every thriller or mystery now has to trumpet stunning revelations and delicious surprises. First of all, this particular film doesn't really have either, unless you've never seen a film noir before. Anyway, I find that whole copy thing spurious, frankly. Here's something else I find spurious: The fact that we now all have to click on that Unseemly Button below to continue.

- Tuesday, April 16, 2002 @ 09:42 AM PST

Monday, April 15, 2002

Yesterday, amongst our plethora of posts, someone was asking about the hidden track on the album Lost In Boston IV, an old scratchy recording of a song entitled I Love Fish. Many people have asked about this song and from whence it came and I have remained mute on the subject to all but a few. Or was it few but an all? Several of the all made guesses - some thought it an undiscovered Cole Porter song. One of our dear readers yesterday thought it was our very own Mr. Jason Graae doing the singing. Late in the evening, dear reader Elan hazarded a theory of his own. I will now tell the story of I Love Fish and how it came to be a hidden track. Has anyone noticed that I have totally abandoned the squirrel on the roof story without really finishing it? I mean, I just sort of ended it with a cat going back from whence it came. That is not good storytelling in my book (Chapter 9 - What Is and Isn't Good Storytelling). I just left that story hanging in mid-air like so much fish and then moved right on to the story of I Love Fish. Of course, there is no real ending to the squirrel on the roof story, other than to say it's still up there doing it's thing. It has never, for example, gone back to from whence it came. Apparently it came from whence and when it found my roof, decided it had had enough of whence and made my roof its new home. There, now we've had a sort of ending to the story of the squirrel on the roof. Unfortunately, I've now forgotten what the hell I was talking about. Oh, yes, the story of I Love Fish and how it came to be.

But first, we must all click on that Unseemly Button below because this section is becoming far too long and disjointed.

- Monday, April 15, 2002 @ 09:48 AM PST

Sunday, April 14, 2002

Last night, David and Jerry Wechter's mother, Cissy Wechter, and I, went to a benefit at Hamilton High School. It was very interesting to see another benefit whilst in the midst of doing our very own. This benefit was very different from the one we're doing. First of all, there was no real theme, just some very talented people doing numbers. Second of all, it ran three hours with intermission. I know there are very few ways to control running times of benefits, but let me tell you I have been a stern taskmaster in terms of our benefit's running time, and I will be very surprised if it runs much over our hoped-for two hours (plus intermission). Last night's benefit, while overlong, had lots of fun things in it, including Mr. Ron Dennis, the original Richie (Gimme the ball) from A Chorus Line, reunited with many members of the cast of A Chorus Line, doing that entire section from Hello Twelve. We also had a cast from some production of The Will Rogers Follies do the Favorite Son number, and that was fun, too.

The host of the evening was The Love Boat's Ted Lange. Other people taking part (some of whom have children who go to Hamilton and who are in the arts program) were Lenny Wolpe, Teri Ralston, Paul Kreppel (who also directed, and who is appearing in our benefit) and Stuart Pankin, Luba Mason, Valerie Perri, Rene Auberjonois (who recreated his number from The Little Mermaid), Ilene Graff, ventriliquist Jay Johnson (from Soap - very funny), Karla de Vito, my pal Murphy Cross, Gerry McIntrye and Joe Joyce (doing the Hot Honey Rag!), Scott Bakula and Chelsea Field, and others. The highlights for me were the aforementioned Gimme the Ball, the Glory dance from Pippin (with the astonishing Sandahl Bergman and Kate Wright, who was in the original production - they did it with Ron Dennis doing Ben Vereen's role), and a tap dancer named Mark Mendonca, who did a terrific number with jazz saxophonist Gerald Albright.

Afterwards, there was a reception in the main building. I have not been in the main building of Hamilton High School since I graduated. What a weird feeling. First of all, there were no lockers - they'd removed the lockers from the first floor of the main building. The assistant principal, Jeff Kaufman, was there and came up to me and told me he remembered me performing on that stage many times (he graduated two years after I did), and then he showed me a tile on the floor of the main building from my Caledonian class. He also told me an amazing thing, which I'll save for the end of these here notes. There was plenty of food and drink, but I saw no evidence of cheese slices or ham chunks, nor shrimp bits on toast, and I felt that was a major faux pas on the planners of the event.

My goodness, shouldn't I already be in the next section? Hurry, we'd better all click on the Unseemly Button before the errant and truant Mr. Mark Bakalor runs over and bitch-slaps us all into oblivion.

- Sunday, April 14, 2002 @ 10:09 AM PST

Saturday, April 13, 2002

Last night I went with my friends the Geissmans, and we ended up dining at a restaurant in Encino called Benihana. Benihana has been around for quite some time, and it used to be quite a novelty to go there, which I did with some regularity in the early seventies. I was expensive then, it is expensive now, and the food is just as ordinary. But one doesn't go there for the food, really, one goes for the show. For each and every table in the restaurant comes with its own chef, who cooks your very own food right on your table. That does mean that if there are only two or three or four in your party that you end up sitting with people you don't know. There were five of us and we still had two people we didn't know at our table. We still didn't know these two young girls by the time the meal was over, because they never once acknowledged our presence. In fact, one of them talked the entire time, from the moment they sat down to the end of the meal over an hour later. She never shut up, blab blab blab (balb balb balb, spelled backwards), all the livelong night. The first problem with Benihana is that there is always a half-hour wait or longer. Last night we waited forty-five minutes. The waiting is a Benihana "thing". I only endured it because I was with a group of people - otherwise, I never wait in restaurants. If there's longer than a ten-minute wait, I leave. That is my "thing".

In any case, our chef was lively and did many amusing tricks with our food. The food, as I remembered correctly, was bland and fairly tasteless. When I got home I ate a package of M&M caramels (a new flavor to me, quite nice) and that at least gave my taste buds a little nudge. I then strew some confetti as if it were spaghetti, and I did the Ann-Margret dance to Got A Lot of Livin' To Do in my cut-off jeans.

I then watched a DVD of a highly regarded film from last year. Before I tell you about it, why don't we all strew a little confetti like spaghetti and click on that Unseemly Button below?

- Saturday, April 13, 2002 @ 09:52 AM PST

Friday, April 12, 2002

A Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest song archive. A First Nudie Musical and Benjamin Kritzer section, where you will be able to purchase signed copies of both DVD and book. Some brand new sparkling merchandise, including Nudie Musical and Benjamin Kritzer t-shirts and hats. An FAQ where you can find answers to our most Frequently Asked Question or, if you've got all the answers to our most Frequently Asked Questions, then you can find out all about Flemish Art Quirks or Fried Artichoke Quality. Aren't those simply sparkling changes we're contemplating once Mr. Mark Bakalor is through packing his boxes? I feel the most important of them is the section on Flemish Art Quirks because that is a subject we all need to be more familiar with, don't you think? By the way, Flemish Art Quirks are not to be confused with the much more common Phlegmish Art Quirks. Have you read Dr. Heinrich Zither's amazing dissertation on Phlegmish Art Quirks? It is the definitive dissertation on the subject and I recommend it wholeheartedly. What the hell am I talking about?

Congratulations are in order, dear readers, which, I suppose, is better than congratulations being out of order. I hate when congratulations are out of order, don't you? I like my congratulations to be in order so I can find each congratulation where it should be. In any case, our very own dear reader Lolita has been accepted into a Young Playwright's Retreat. She had to write a Young Play to get in, and apparently her Young Play did the trick and she is now going to go off to some Young Playwright's Retreat in the woods somewhere with other Young Playwrights she doesn't know. This whole thing sounds a little fishy to me, rather like rotting sturgeon. First of all, will there be supervision by Old Playwrights? Because if it's just a bunch of Young Playwrights romping in the bushes, well all manner of unseemly things can and most likely will happen. If Young Playwrights are left to their own devices whilst in the woods, they will drink punch and dance about in skimpy clothing and partake of hard candies and invoke the name of Shaw while eating coconuts and lying on leaves in dappled sunlight. Well, I'm sure Lolita will tell us all about it when she returns from the Young Playwrights Retreat. Perhaps while she is there she will write a Young Play about Flemish Art Quirks.

Speaking of Flemish Art Quirks, isn't it time we all click on that Unseemly Button below before we are all bitch-slapped by that Flemish Art Quirk himself, the box-packing Mr. Mark Bakalor?

- Friday, April 12, 2002 @ 08:45 AM PST

Thursday, April 11, 2002

Well, well, well (that is three wells - does that call for an Orson or an H.G.?), today is answer day, the day in which I answer all your questions from yesterday. Well (that is one well and calls for nothing), not all your questions because some of your questions got answered yesterday by various and sundried dear readers. We must stop this heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) practice, otherwise I shall have no questions to answer and then I shall have to go into the corner and flog myself like Judge Turpin - I shall have to weep copious tears and eat a banana split and throw hot scalding coffee in my face like Lee Marvin does to poor Gloria Grahame in The Big Heat. I shall have to speak in tongues and I shall have to tongue in speaks and the whole thing will be very messy indeed. What the hell am I talking about? Speaking in tongues? That reminds me of an old Goon Show line: "Wait! I hear someone screaming in agony. Fortunately, I speak it fluently."

Well, well (that is two wells - have we discovered oil yet?), I better begin answering your questions because even though some of them were answered yesterday, there are still many that were left to the likes of me and now the likes of me will answer them. But first, the likes of you will have to click on the likes of that Unseemly Button below.

- Thursday, April 11, 2002 @ 10:00 AM PST

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Last night I dreamed I was at Manderley. In my dream I was visiting with the Broadway actress and singer Crista Moore. She was showing me photos of some show she'd been in where she'd played Santa Claus. She looked very good in the outfit and had a nice white beard. Then she told me that she'd dated three doctors since I last saw her in December. Then I woke up. The weird thing is that I didn't see Crista Moore in December, I haven't spoken to Crista Moore since last summer and she hasn't crossed my mind in months, so why in tarnation was I dreaming this dream? Oh, well, dreams have their own peculiar logic and at least it wasn't a nightmare. Advice to Crista: Stop with the doctors already.

Well, dear readers, yesterday there was a DVD release that slipped quietly into the stores with practically no fanfare at all, yet I feel it is one of the most important DVD releases of the year. I watched it last night and am here to tell you about it now. Well, after we all click that Unseemly Button, that is.

- Wednesday, April 10, 2002 @ 10:12 AM PST

Tuesday, April 9, 2002

I'll bet you all thought I'd forgotten and/or abandoned the story of Meltz and Ernest: The Unvarnished Truth. Well, I haven't forgotten and/or abandoned the story of Meltz and Ernest: The Unvarnished Truth and today we will be continuing that very story.

Don't you think Mr. Mark Bakalor will be proud as a punchbowl when he sees these neat and tidy little paragraphs? They are well kempt, these paragraphs are. They are trim and lithe and buff and toned with abs and buns of steel.

However, I've begun to realize that short paragraphs do not necessarily result in long notes. When I write short paragraphs it is difficult for me, for I lose my train of thought, thoughts are abruptly ended, I cannot find my rhythm and the flow is impeded. I don't know about you, dear readers, but I cannot have my flow impeded. My flow must be unimpeded at all times otherwise my flow might atrophy and we can't have that now, can we? Can we give the word "atrophy" an award - that way "atrophy" can have a trophy. Isn't it amazing that by merely inserting a space in "atrophy" you get something wholly new? Perhaps if I inserted a space somewhere on my very own person I'd get something wholly new. I love the idea of inserting a space somewhere and coming up with something wholly new, don't you, dear readers? It's vividly exciting, don't you think? For example, I'm going to insert a space right here and come up with something wholly new.

You see? Well, I think we've beaten that into the ground. I must tell you we have had no Highest or even High Winner in our Unseemly Trivia Contest. I really didn't think it was all that hard this week, but apparently it was. Freedunit submitted several guesses and at the eleventh hour (actually I'm not sure it came in on time) finally did mention the name of the show, but none of the other pertinent info. So, let's all click on the Unseemly Button below to find out what the answer was/is.

- Tuesday, April 9, 2002 @ 09:21 AM PST

Monday, April 8, 2002

There, you see, look at that neat and tidy paragraph above. Mr. Mark Bakalor will be dancing the Hora in glee, do you hear me? He lives for neat and tidy paragraphs. He's always wanted this first section to be very short and today he will get his wish because I feel it is high time we all click on that Unseemly Button below because time is ticking away like an uncontrollable kneecap.

- Monday, April 8, 2002 @ 09:21 AM PST

Sunday, April 7, 2002

Perhaps the reason I feel like I'm in a David Lynch movie is because last night I watched a David Lynch movie, Mulholland Drive. But before that I'd watched a John Dahl movie called Joy Ride. Why did I watch a movie called Joy Ride? Well, I'll tell you why - because every month I buy this stupid little rag called The DVD Newsletter, which is loaded with reviews of DVDs. And this guy spends the entire first page of the rag raving about Joy Ride, especially raving about the extras, because appararently after a test screening of this film, they went back and reshot the entire last third of the movie. The DVD includes not only the original twenty-nine minute ending, but several other versions of what is now the ending. He says the way they isolated the problems and fixed them is genius. So, I had to watch the film. The fact that this "reviewer" is a total nincompoop and that I have never agreed with him didn't stop me, nosireebob and nosireemelvin. No, I watched the fershluganah movie. Genius? I think not. It was okay, I suppose, but it's just a retread of things that have been done better elsewhere, most especially in Mr. Spielberg's Duel. The critics' love affair with John Dahl escapes me, frankly. I thought Red Rock West was okay, and I thought The Last Seduction was tolerable, but neither were the works of a major new auteur, they were just okay B-Movies, neither here nor there and, if anything, stylistically overwrought in that modern filmmaking way. I thought Joy Ride was pretty standard fare, and script-wise rather inane. I do like that Leelee Sobieski though. I looked up the reviews on this and they were raves - critics were falling all over themselves, because they love John Dahl. The audience, apparently, doesn't love John Dahl, however, because the film stiffed at the box-office. So, all that test audience crap, all that reshooting was for naught, because they didn't come anyway. Is the new ending better than the first ending? Sure. The first ending was almost laughable at times. Anyway, from now on if this guy raves about a movie I will not go anywhere near it. Fool me once, fool me twice, fool me one hundred and forty times, but that's it.

Then I watched the David Lynch movie entitled Mulholland Drive. But let's all click on that Unseemly Button below because this section is way too long and we run the risk of being bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor and we simply can't have that, now can we?

- Sunday, April 7, 2002 @ 10:32 AM PST

Saturday, April 6, 2002

Here is another astonishing fact: I have gotten at least eight hours of sleep each night for an entire week. I hadn't gotten eight hours of sleep each night for an entire week in probably over a year, so I feel that I am catching up on some well-needed rest. I am feeling my oats, dear readers, and my oats are very happy about it, let me tell you that.

Well, today is our very own Unseemly Trivia Contest, so perhaps we'd all best click on that Unseemly Button below so we can get to the question before the cleaning lady shows up and starts giving me the evil eye.

- Saturday, April 6, 2002 @ 09:46 AM PST

Friday, April 5, 2002

I thought that paragraph would never end, didn't you? I thought that paragraph would keep on going come hell or high water. There's that high again. High hell, high water, high holiday, enough with the high already. We had a lovely rehearsal yesterday with David Naughton, David Ruprecht, Joan Ryan and our very own Tammy Minoff for the Tourette's Benefit concert. They're doing a brace of songs from Julius and Cissy Wechter's musical comedy, Growing Pains. I must say the songs, once heard, are hard to get out of your head - they're very catchy.

All your posts yesterday about "worst meals" were most excellent and nauseating at the same time. If anyone missed them, simply use the handy-dandy Unseemly Archive Button. But for now, let's all use the handy-dandy Unseemly Button button below so we can have the Meltz and Ernest story.

- Friday, April 5, 2002 @ 09:55 AM PST

Thursday, April 4, 2002

Last night I had one of the worst meals I've ever eaten. It was in Santa Monica, at one of those trendy little places near the 3rd Street mall. I went with Cissy Wechter, to meet the lady who's doing publicity for the Tourette's Syndrome benefit. This was one of those places that had mostly nouveau Mexican, put you could also get pasta and Caesar Salad with chicken. It was also one of those places where no food you order either resembles what it should look like or taste the way it should taste. It was one of those places that always has at least one ingredient in every dish that you would never want in your mouth. I ordered a small Caesar Salad and cheese enchiladas. Well, rather than being a classic Caesar Salad, it was more like a Caesar Chavez salad. The dressing was weird and spicy and had a Mexican flavor to it, and there were also sunflower seeds in the salad. Now, I don't know about you, dear readers, but I just don't want sunflower seeds in my Caesar Salad. As to the cheese enchiladas, they looked like blintzes and tasted like a rancid Ukranian Moose. It was indescribably bad, but I ate it all up because I don't like the restaurant to feel bad. Cissy's meal was equally as wretched, or so she said. When I got home I ate lots of gummy things to get the taste out of my mouth.

Well, let's dive into these questions, shall we? Let's all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can start providing the answers.

- Thursday, April 4, 2002 @ 09:48 AM PST

Wednesday, April 3, 2002

Speaking of Harvey Schmidt, I was speaking to Harvey Schmidt just last night. He told me that JAY Records has just recorded their show Roadside and that is good news indeed. He's also thrilled that his painting graces the cover of my very own novel. Harvey is back in his native Texas now, although he travels to New York quite often.

Now wait just a darn minutie, isn't it time we all click on that Unseemly Button below? Yes, I do believe it is time we do that, so let's do it quickly before I forget that that's what we're supposed to do. If I forget that that's what we're supposed to do then I will be bitch-slapped by that Ukranian moose fancier, Mr. Mark Bakalor.

- Wednesday, April 3, 2002 @ 09:14 AM PST

Tuesday, April 2, 2002

Ah, a new paragraph is always like a breath of fresh air. Perhaps a subject will finally make itself known to me. Perhaps not. In the meantime, we had a lovely rehearsal last night with Mitzi McCall and Charlie Brill, who will be hosting the Tourette's Syndrome benefit. They're going to be wonderful, and are the perfect hosts for the event. Oh, great. Now I'm sneezing. One sneeze after another. Oh, great. Now my eyes are watering and itchy. Let me go take an Actifed.

There. Has anyone noticed that today's notes lack a subject? Has anyone noticed that today's notes are all over the map? Thus far, these here notes have been in Los Angeles, then suddenly they were in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, took a detour to Lebanon, Ohio and are now residing in Rye, New York. Talk about all over the map, you can't get more geographically diverse than that. What the hell am I talking about? There is no question that I am below the "ject" today. Sneeze. Oh, well, maybe if we all click on that sneeze Unseemly Button sneeze below we will finally find our subject.

- Tuesday, April 2, 2002 @ 07:13 AM PST

Monday, April 1, 2002

I knew it! I Know Not Why, It Simply Is is a Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest song and it's one of their most heartfelt and simplest. I must share it with you right this very minute.

I KNOW NOT WHY, IT SIMPLY IS Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

The snow is white,
My shoes are brown
And when I smile
I do not frown
I don't say 'hers' when I mean 'his'
I know not why, it simply is.

The world is round
Yet bread is square
And when I'm gone
I am not there.
If it is damp, my hair will frizz
I know not why, it simply is.

We cannot question,
Things simply are
Here's my suggestion:
You can't be near if you haven't been far.

The truest thing
That I can say
Is when it's night
It is not day
I always cry when I see Les Miz
I know not why
It simply is.

Well, there are just no words to say how lovely that song is and yet I've just written words so apparently there are words to say how lovely that song is. It's got such universal truths, don't you think?

All over the internet people are playing merry pranks, because today is April Fool's Day. Well, we will not be playing merry pranks here at haineshisway.com because we find merry pranks unseemly and unworthy of our higher purpose. Yes, Virginia, we have a higher purpose and we leave merry pranks to others. Right now our higher purpose is to click on that fershluganah Unseemly Button below, because to not do so would be foolish and a merry prank.

- Monday, April 1, 2002 @ 09:37 AM PST