When we made my novel available for preorder, I alluded to the fact that people who ordered their signed copies here might just get a special handy-dandy surprise when they received their book. I can now tell you that the handy-dandy surprise is a definite, but will only be sent with the first batch of orders. So, if you haven’t ordered yet but are planning to, I would do so within the next week, because that is when I have to place my order for how many copies I’ll need. The other exciting book news is that we may just be doing a signing at a very prestigious book store here in Los Angeles, California. I’ll keep you posted, but it looks good at this point.

Well, today is Friday, which apparently is a good day to get the head of a dead animal. I shall keep these here notes short today because of the novel-like length of yesterday’s notes. In fact, why tarry further, let’s all collectively click on the Unseemly Button below before we are all collectively bitch-slapped by… Now wait just a darned minute – do you think Mr. Mark Bakalor left the head of a dead animal on my porch? Let us ponder that probability whilst we click away.

- Friday, May 31, 2002 @ 09:46 AM PST

Thursday, May 30, 2002

I have been checking out my test DVD of The First Nudie Musical, and all seems to work splendidly. I have scanned the film itself, and I have watched the documentary, but with the audio commentary on. I hadn’t heard the documentary audio commentary since the night we did it, and I must say I rather howled with laughter. It is very saucy and irreverent. Yes, Virginia, it is a very saucy commentary, rather like a Bernaise or perhaps an Alfredo. At times it was so saucy it was like an Alfredo Bernaise put together. If you haven’t ordered your DVD yet I would do so immediately because you don’t want to be without your saucy commentary. I looked at the cut scene, at the cut musical number (which, of course, doesn’t look very good having been transferred from Beta tape), I found the Easter Eggs, and I looked at the stills and poster gallery. All in all, I am very pleased with the result.

The other news I heard today was that I should have both hardcover and paperback test books in hand by next Wednesday. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too. All of these lovely things happening – and happening despite the occasional petty annoyances that occur every now and then. Aren’t petty annoyances annoying? Oh, well, we shan’t let those petty annoyances get to us, so tut and phut to those who would be petty and annoying. Yes, tut and phut I say and say loudly.

I feel we should all now say tut and phut together, in unison, because here at haineshisway.com we are all for one and one for all, we are united we Hainsies/Kimlets, we are a force to be reckoned with. On the count of three, let us all say tut and phut: One, two, three – Tut! Phut! There, that felt good, didn’t it? I feel that was a most excellent tut and phut – I have rarely heard better and I have been around the block, tut and phut-wise. Tut and Phut. They sound like Siamese twins, don’t they? Like Chang and Wang, or whoever the hell they were. What the hell am I talking about?

Well, I feel we should get to the questions, because there are a lot of them and I shall endeavor to be as long-winded as usual. So, let’s all say tut and phut as we click on the Unseemly Button below.

- Thursday, May 30, 2002 @ 01:17 AM PST

Wednesday, May 29, 2002

Have I mentioned that I do not like wordpad? I find it difficult to think in wordpad. I only like to think in word, or even my special handy-dandy form that I used to type these here notes in (until aol crashed one fine day and I lost the whole of these here notes in one fell swoop, or was it one swell foop). The other thing I do not like about wordpad is that I don't see a place where it's telling me how many pages I'm writing. I could be writing one hundred fershluganah pages and I wouldn't even know it. The only thing that I know for certain in wordpad is that my apostrophes, no matter how I might wish otherwise, will look like fershluganah deformed hearts. Another thing I don't like about wordpad is that the way it is formatted I have no idea how big these here paragraphs really are. What I think is a sparkling and nice-sized paragraph might be two lines when I put it into my handy-dandy form. Well, we shall just have to deal with it, for there is nothing to be done until I have my brand spanking new computer. Then I shall be happy and carefree and my apostrophes won't look like deformed hearts.

Has anyone noticed that today's notes are beginning to resemble that fine song by Mr. Antonio Carlos Jobim, entitled One Note Samba? Surely I won't spend the whole of these notes talking about wordpad? Oh, another thing I hate about wordpad is that it is not underlining every other word like my word documents - when things are underlined I know to check them for grammar or spelling. Here in wordpad, grammar or spelling doesn't count for beans, although beans have always counted for grammar and spelling so why grammar and spelling can return the favor I have no idea.

Well, as some of you might remember, today is Ask BK Day, the day when you can ask me any questions your heart desires or, in the case of wordpad, your deformed heart desires. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, today is the day you may ask your excellent questions. Whatever questions suit your fancy, you just go ahead and ask them, and I shall answer them to the best of my very own ability. I shall answer them truthfully and in a forthright manner or, at the very least, a forthleft manner. Now, I want you lurkers out there in the dark to step out in the open and ask some excellent questions. I want those lurkers in the dark who love to use our handy-dandy unseemly search box day in and day out, searching for the same things over and over and over again, to ask me about the things you are searching for. Wouldn't that be easier? Wouldn't that just be ever so much more fun? However, we cannot Ask BK until we click on the Unseemly Button below because if we don't click now we run the risk of being bitch-slapped from here to eternity and we can't have that, now can we, especially in wordpad. So, let's click away quickly.

- Wednesday, May 29, 2002 @ 09:34 AM PST

Tuesday, May 28, 2002

Why do these stupid computer things happen? There is simply no rhyme or reason or for that matter no reason or rhyme for it. There is, however, a rhyme for reason and it is season or treason. And, of course, there is a reason for a rhyme because if you are writing a song it is unseemly not to rhyme when rhymes should be made. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, the lack of rhyme and reason for my unseemly computer problems. Perhaps there is a rhyme for my unseemly computer problems -

My computer's having problems
Of that there is no doubt
I shall have to write short notes
Until it's figured out.

We have a birthday announcement today - today is the birthday of dear reader, Mr. Arnold M. Brockman and we wish Mr. Arnold M. Brockman the happiest of birthdays. Let us all put on our pointy party hats, our colored tights and pantaloons and our fake moustaches and eat cheese slices, ham chunks and shrimp bits on toast. Let us dance the Hora and also the Jitterbug. Let us partake of gooey birthday cake and Ambrosia Salad. And most of all, let us do all those things without rhyme or reason.

Last night I watched two count them two DVDs - Sorry, Wrong Number and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Sorry, Wrong Number is quite overwrought but still fun. I adore the radio play by Lucille Fletcher on which it's based and when I was a mere sprig of a twig of a tad of a youth I recorded my very own version of said radio play on my Webcor Reel to Reel tape recorder. If I remember correctly, I played the leading role (using a falsetto voice) and all the other roles as well. In any case, I always enjoy Miss Barbara Stanwyck - but all the other characters and flashbacks merely pad out what is a remarkable hour-long tour de force radio show. The director, Mr. Anatole Litvak, is heavy of hand and camera, the camerwork in this film is always on the prowl and molto agitato. I liked the score by Mr. Franz Waxman, too.

Harry Potter was pretty enjoyable. I had started reading the first book, was enjoying it a lot, got busy and never did finish the thing. I found the movie a bit disjointed but fun - obviously they had to cram an awful lot of material into two-and-a-half hours. I find Chris Columbus an uninspired Spielberg clone, and I must say I was really disappointed in the John Williams score, which is a rarity for me, since I'm a big fan. I thought the cast was splendid, including Harry himself, who was not liked by some. I very much liked little Hermoine and Harry's friend, and John Hurt, Alan Rickman, Richard Harris and Maggie Smith were all excellent. But the whole thing just didn't seem to gel right - the whole Alan Rickman revelation is just dropped in, then forgotten (I know there'll be more in the sequel), and the thing just seems herky-jerky and also jerky-herky to me. The look of the film is lovely, and the CGI effects are mostly fine, although I am tiring of the look of them. Still and all, I would recommend it.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Well, we'd better all click on the Unseemly Button below because I have to wrap up these notes quickly so I can deal with my computer problems and the rhyme and reason for same.

- Tuesday, May 28, 2002 @ 09:28 AM PST

Monday, May 27, 2002

Last night I attended a “movie night” with a group of people, many of them comedy writers and comedians. The idea is that you show a really bad movie and everyone comments rudely throughout. I provided the film last night, Invasion USA, and the evening was a big hit all-around. I also brought my favorite Jack Benny Show episode to start things off, and I must tell you that all of these hardened comic types were roaring with laughter. It is simply one of the funniest half-hours ever. I’ve talked about in these here notes before, so if you want details merely use our handy-dandy search box and type in “Jack Benny”. The house where “movie night” took place was located in Bel Air, way up Stone Canyon Road. Now, I have to say that no matter how wonderful and huge the house, there is no way I would live in them thar hills. I do not like small windy roads. I do not like when one tiny windy driveway services four different houses. I need flat and straight, not windy and curvy. I don’t like to be on any street that doesn’t have room for two cars on opposite sides, that just makes me too too nervous. In any case, windy roads notwithstanding, the evening was fun and there was a lot of wacky foodstuffs (but no cheese slices or ham chunks – these people don’t know from cheese slices and ham chunks – these are Junior Mints people). Also, the video projection system was so four years ago – I’m sorry, but if you live on a windy street in a multi-million dollar house then get with it, video-wise.

Yesterday, as those who read the notes know, we had a side order of notes, because, after all, this is a holiday weekend and most of you are off wearing your Speedos, oiling your bodies, cooking your weanies, and sitting in your easy and/or difficult chairs. Therefore, today we will have not a side order, but a soupcon of notes. I feel that every now and then one simply must have a soupcon of something and today it will be a soupcon of notes. The only question that remains is what type of soupcon it will be – shall it be tomato soupcon, cream of mushroom soupcon, or onion soup fondue soupcon, or perhaps a mélange of all three put together, kind of a tomoto mushroom onion fondue soupcon. Has anyone noticed that I just wrote “tomoto” when I meant “tomato”? With one slip of a finger I have created a new word, and it’s a fine one, don’t you think? “Tomoto”. Well, now that “tomoto” has entered our lexicon (whatever the hell that is) now we shall have to come up with a meaning for it. Perhaps “tomoto” can be a musical term, i.e. molto tomoto or tomoto vivace. Yes, I like that. Tomoto can be sort of a cross between tranquillo and agitato. Of course, if want a cross between tranquillo and agitato (and who doesn’t?) shouldn’t it be trangitato? No, we’ll need to come up with something better for tomoto. While we are thinking on it, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below before tomoto sets in? And the sooner we click on that Unseemly Button below the sooner you’re going to find out our big news for the day.

- Monday, May 27, 2002 @ 09:57 AM PST

Sunday, May 26, 2002

AMBROSIA SALAD Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

The world is moving too fast
And so are the songs they play.
They’re manic and antic
They’re making me frantic
They’re none too romantic
Or gay…
So, it’s time to be gentle
And yes, sentimental
It’s time for a ballad
Like Ambrosia Salad…

Life can be sweet
Like Ambrosia Salad
Like when you eat
Some Ambrosia Salad
You feel very fruity and fine
And your life is whipped cream and divine

Life can be grand
Like Ambrosia Salad
Fresh fruit or canned
In Ambrosia Salad
But whether it’s fresh or it’s canned
With a cherry life’s not very bland.

You’ll find in Ambrosia
A tiny marshmallow
That makes you feel mellow and gooey.
When you eat Ambrosia
You look at the bad things in life
And you simply say phooey.

And
Life is a treat
Like Ambrosia Salad
Life is complete
Like Ambrosia Salad
It’s filled with those flavors that burst
And life is the best not the worst -
So, when you feel cursed
When you’re feeling sub-par
Just know that Ambrosia’s not very far
Away…
So make life an Ambrosia Salad
Today.

Well, if that’s not a classic I don’t know what. I’ve been singing it all morning and I feel so cheery and gay.

Last night I went with Cissy Wechter to the Gardenia to see our pal, Miss Nancy Dussault. We had a nice and reasonably non-fattening meal comprised of salad and broiled swordfish in green sauce. It was very tasty, although we could have used some Ambrosia Salad with it to add a bit of sweet. In any case, Miss Nancy Dussault was as delightful as any Ambrosia Salad. She sang lots of Richard Rodgers’s songs, both Hammerstein and Hart. I especially like Blue Moon, one of my favorite Rodgers and Hart songs. She also sang Dave Frishberg’s very funny Too Many Songs About Paris, and a very nice new song by Miss Carol Hall. I did keep wishing she’d do a Meltz and Ernest song but that was not to be. Her able accompanist was Ron Abel, he of the flowing mane of blonde hair (and I mean blonde, baby, not like the faux blonde bits in my hair). We sat next to the lovely and talented Peter Matz and his lovely and talented wife Marilyn Lovell Matz. Peter was thrilled to hear that his Ethel Merman Disco album has been issued on CD.

What happened to my side of notes? These are fast becoming a full course of notes and we can’t have that because too many Hainsies/Kimlets are not around to read them on this fine holiday weekend. Well, perhaps I’ll be proven wrong and we will have many many many (that is three manys) posts today. In the meantime, why don’t we just all click on that Ambrosia Salad of an Unseemly Button below.

- Sunday, May 26, 2002 @ 10:44 AM PST

Saturday, May 25, 2002

I have many things to do on this long weekend. For example, today I will be going to yet another rare book fair, with my rare friend, Mr. Grant Geissman. After that, I will be going to see the rare Miss Nancy Dussault at the Gardenia. First, I will sup at the Gardenia, because you can’t get a fershluganah table at the Gardenia unless you sup. So, sup I will, damn them all, damn them all to hell. Tomorrow night, I shall be attending a “bad movie night” with a group of people who have a private e-mail chat thing – I am providing the bad movie and it is Mr. Alfred E. Green’s Invasion USA, which I spoke of in these here notes just a few short weeks ago. On Monday, I shall sit on my couch like so much fish and contemplate the world at large. When I am through contemplating the world at large I shall eat a sardine, just because one should eat a sardine once every forty-three years.

Well, dear readers, you know what today is, don’t you? Of course, you do, because you are loyal and true Hainsies/Kimlets and we do have our routine here at haineshisway.com. Today is our Unseemly Trivia Contest question and I shall be asking it quite quite soon.

I have decided that what I should really be doing this weekend is surfing because my hair now has so many blonde bits in it that I look like a surfer dude. I am tan and toned and buff with abs and buns of steel, and don’t you think I should be showing off to one and all and also all and one? Don’t you think I should be showing off whilst wearing my cut-off jeans and tight t-shirt? Of course, why should I show off? Has off ever showed me? I’ve had it with off frankly, and I am now swearing off off. Damn off. There, I have sworn off.

Have you thought about refried beans? Now, that is a segue if I’ve ever heard one. Do you suppose they fry the beans and then fry them again? Wouldn’t that just kill those beans dead. Wouldn’t that just be Frijoles Muerte? I mean refrying beans is redundant, isn’t it? I don’t think they refry those damned beans, I think that is a publicity ploy to try to make fried beans seem interesting. So they put that little “re” in front of “fried” so people will think, “Wow, they went to all the trouble to fry these beans twice – I’d better buy and eat these beans”. On top of all that, those refried beans certainly don’t look like they were fried, do they? They don’t look like fried chicken, or French fries or even Swedish fries. No, they look like plain old beans is what they look like. I think this whole refried beans thing is a sham of a fake of a lie, that’s what I think. I think they are having us on, refried bean-wise. I say we boycott the refried beans until the truth comes out, because the truth is out there – yes, let us boycott the beans until they own up to the fact that they are pulling the wool and even the cotton and the silk over our collective eyes. Well, baby, fool us once, fool us twice, but you will never fool us thrice, because that’s not nice to fool thrice. Excuse me, but can someone tell me if I’ve really just written an entire paragraph about refried beans?

Well, there is no way to follow a paragraph about refried beans, so the only thing left to do is click on the Unseemly Button below. Yes, that is the only thing left to do, although we could look for something right to do. Oh, the hell with it, let’s click and be done with it before someone tries to foist some refried beans on us.

- Saturday, May 25, 2002 @ 10:15 AM PST

Friday, May 24, 2002

There.

Well, now we’ve had the longest and the shortest paragraphs and we are the better for it. Have you blown your trumpets two hundred times? Have you danced the Hora whilst wearing your pointy party hat and your colored tights and pantaloons? You must dance the Hora or else we cannot move on to the Vanilla Pudding Dance.

One thing that has remained a constant in all 200 notes, is the necessity and need to click on the Unseemly Button. I feel without the Unseemly Button we would be Lost in Space or Lost in Boston, I feel that the Unseemly Button is an integral part of the Way Things Work. Besides, we all know that Mr. Mark Bakalor is waiting to bitch-slap us from here to eternity if we don’t click on it, so let’s click on it posthaste, thereby putting the old kibosh on the old bitch-slapping.

- Friday, May 24, 2002 @ 10:12 AM PST

Thursday, May 23, 2002

I am extremely nauseous right now. Not because of Mr. Mark Bakalor’s new new sections thing, but because something I ate last night isn’t agreeing with me. I get very annoyed when what I eat doesn’t agree with me. After all, I agree with the food I eat so why shouldn’t the food I eat agree with me. Why are certain foods so damned argumentative, disagreeing for no reason whatsoever? I do hope this feeling passes quickly because I have a breakfast meeting shortly and I would hate to throw up on the table.

The friend I had dinner with last night wanted to watch a DVD when we got back from dinner, something with murder and mayhem. Now, I have a lot of DVDs, as you know, so why did it take a half-hour to choose a film? That’s always the way, isn’t it? It would probably be much easier to choose if I only had two DVDs. Oh, well. She finally settled on Mr. Alfred Hitchcock’s fine motion picture, entitled Shadow of a Doubt, which she’d never seen. I, of course, have seen it many times, but I never tire of it, because the dialogue is wonderful, the plot is wonderful and the performances of the entire cast are wonderful. Only the score by Mr. Dimitri Tiomkin is not wonderful, and I usually like Mr. Dimitri Tiomkin, but this score is like being hit over the head repeatedly by a cast-iron skillet. Joseph Cotton could not be better as Uncle Charlie, a man with a dark secret, and Teresa Wright could not be better as his niece, Charlie. Henry Travers and Hume Cronyn are, as always, wonderful, and Patricia Collinge as Cotton’s sister, is beyond wonderful – a great and extremely touching performance.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Have I mentioned that I’m nauseous? Have I mentioned that I have a breakfast meeting? I must now rush through the rest of these here notes apace because there are lots of your excellent questions to answer. Luckily, I got a head start last night. I almost got an arm start last night but I thought a head start would suit me better. I like being suited better, don’t you, especially if it’s a blue serge suit or all hearts. What the hell am I talking about? Don't I have to proceed apace? Don’t I have questions to answer? Now, I know the temptation will be to click on the new sections thing over on the left, but before you do that, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below and get to the answers to your excellent questions. Then you can come back and click on the new sections thing on the left, and while you’re in the new section, feel free to preorder your signed copy of the Nudie Musical DVD or my very own novel. Well, wasn’t that crass and self-serving of me to say? Click, dear readers, before my crassness makes me throw up.

- Thursday, May 23, 2002 @ 09:19 AM PST

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

I had originally signed off on the book last week, but when I got the hard copy of the galley I could see there was a spacing problem (I couldn’t tell when I looked online, which is why I asked for the hard copy) and I asked them to fix that last Monday. They actually were able to fix it within two hours of my request, but in so fixing a handful of other things got screwed up. They just got to those yesterday, and in fixing those, three other things got screwed up. They fixed those this morning, everything looks spiffy and beautiful and this part of the journey, which seems like it’s taken as long as it did for me to actually write the book, is done. I will definitely have books in hand to ship the third week of June. Here is a question: Should I do an audio book? This publisher doesn’t do them, but I could do it on my own and have it sold through amazon and the other online booksites. Do you think that is an interesting idea? Do you think anyone would care and/or buy it?

Yesterday I picked up the Cliff Richard DVD box set. Those crafty people at Anchor Bay released The Young Ones and Summer Holiday, which I got early when Tower inadvertently put them out three weeks ago. I didn’t even know there would be a box set, and wouldn’t you know those clever Anchor Bay people put one more DVD, Wonderful Life, in the box set and that DVD is only available in the box set, hence I had to buy the box set even though I already had the other two movies. Oh, well, perhaps I’ll give the other two movies out as sparkling prizes. So, I watched Wonderful Life last night, and once again I was amazed at how entertaining it was. These are real musicals, very much in the old MGM B-movie style of Give a Girl a Break. They have only a handful of actual rock and roll numbers with Cliff and the Shadows – most of the numbers are full-out musical comedy numbers, and they are just delightful. The first two films were choreographed by Herb Ross, but Wonderful Life has choreography by Gillian Lynne, and is once again directed by Sidney J. Furie, who did The Young Ones. There is one production number in the middle of the film which is a literal musical history of the cinema and it’s great – they cover everything from the Keystone Cops and Chaplin, to Garbo, to West Side Story to James Bond (hilarious, actually). The story is, of course, very silly, and Walter Slezak’s character is extremely tiresome, and at 113 minutes it’s a good ten minutes too long, but it’s all just fluffy and grand fun and I think these are my favorite DVDs so far this year. The transfers on these films (all “scope, enhanced for widescreen tvs) are gorgeous. All three films have director commentaries (two with Furie, one with Peter Yates). Cliff Richard was a strange rock and roll star – he could do the Elvis stuff (he was considered the Elvis of England), but he was also a terrific song and dance man. Anyway, I recommend these films to one and all and also all and one.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Do you all know what day it is today? Today is Ask BK Day, that’s what day it is today. So, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below, because if you don’t, then you won’t be able to Ask BK on Ask BK Day and that would be unseemly. If you don’t click on the Unseemly Button you will forever be in this first section and we simply can’t have that, now can we? So, let’s click away.

- Wednesday, May 22, 2002 @ 09:47 AM PST

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

Last night I ate an artichoke. Now, shouldn’t “artichoke” win some kind of award for being a stupid vegetable name? And talking about mutant vegetables, have you actually looked at an artichoke lately? That is one ugly vegetable. In any case, how do you look at that unseemly thing and come up with the name “artichoke”? Well, I’ll tell you how, because I know you like to have the arcane knowledge that we can provide here at haineshisway.com. You see, one fine day Mr. And Mrs. Arthur Bannister were having a little argument on the stairs of their home. Mrs. Bannister, Brandy, had discovered a strange ugly vegetable, with leaves that you could pull off – she’d immediately boiled the strange ugly vegetable in a pot of water, pulled off a few leaves and tried a tiny portion of said leaves, which she found quite boring. She melted some butter and dunked one of the leaves in it, tried it again, and this time was quite pleased with the result. She immediately told her husband Arthur of her discovery. “Artie, look at this strange ugly vegetable I found. I just boiled it and dipped one of the leaves in melted butter and it was delicious”. Artie looked at Brandy and said, “You, dear, are a wazoo”. Brandy didn’t know what a wazoo was, but she didn’t like the sound of it. Artie went on to tell her that she was an idiot for eating a strange ugly vegetable, butter notwithstanding. This made Brandy very angry indeed and she said, “You insidious ort, I will name this vegetable and I will be famous the world over for having discovered it, while you will sit here and grow old with no fame whatsoever. You will age poorly and die in a pool of your own drool.” Artie thought a “pool of drool” was funny, so he began laughing. That made Brandy even angrier and she began to choke her husband to death. He finally managed to escape her iron grip and ran upstairs away from his now-crazy wife. Brandy went back into the kitchen and ate some more of the strange ugly vegetable. Whilst eating, she thought of how she had choked her husband Artie, and she decided right then and there that she would name the strange ugly vegetable an artichoke in honor of her almost killing her husband. The rest, of course, is history. That is a true story, dear readers. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

We won’t even talk about the word “vegetable”. Other than asking who decided to stick the word “table” on to the word “vege” to make a whole other word?

We had a bit of a brouhaha here at haineshisway.com this morning. Apparently in yesterday’s notes, someone posted a very long post, which caused some problems for others. That caused some rather caustic comments to be made and the fur was flying. Well, we simply must not have flying fur here at haineshisway.com. I pride myself that we are family here at haineshisway.com. I’m quite certain that the long post was not meant in a harmful way, and would never have been made if the poster knew it would be problematic for anyone. My feeling is this – if something like this happens in the future, just drop me a line and I’ll deal with it, rather than publicly airing it on the site. That way we can avoid the brouhaha, which, of course, is right up there with “artichoke” in the stupid word department. In any case, we’re all friends here, and that’s why this is such a fun site and why we will take over the internet and be the most popular site of all. Where else, for example, can you get the true story of the naming of the artichoke? Nowhere else, that’s where else.

Well, now that we’re all calm and collected and also collected and calm, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below to avoid any further brouhahas or artichokes.

- Tuesday, May 21, 2002 @ 09:56 AM PST

Monday, May 20, 2002

My heavens, look at the size of that paragraph, that is just totally unseemly in appearance. Anyway, my house reeks of Raid Rodent Spray, and I am nauseous because of the reeking Raid Rodent Spray.

Mr. Mark Bakalor has just about completed work on two of our brand spanking new sections – one for the DVD of The First Nudie Musical and one for my very own novel, Benjamin Kritzer. I’m going to give you a preview of the two sections and tell you how purchasing the items will work, but first I think we should all click on the Unseemly Button below because there it waits, like Godot, and the one thing we must never do is keep the Unseemly Button below waiting.

- Monday, May 20, 2002 @ 07:46 AM PST

Sunday, May 19, 2002

Last night I went to my friends the Jones’s house for a fine and hearty meal and excellent company. We had eggplant parmesan and cute little teeny-weeny steaks. We had warm and tasty bread. Normally I would not eat such a thing called eggplant because I don’t like when they mix these things up and start putting eggs on plants. Then we start having mutant vegetables and I don’t know about you, dear readers, but I just can’t abide mutant vegetables. However, this mutant eggplant was quite good, although it was heavily drowned in parmesan and thick tomato sauce, which might have just disguised its mutantness. We also had salad with no mutant vegetables. Actually, I’m feeling quite like a mutant vegetable myself right at this particular moment, because I slept in and am groggy as all get-out. If only I’d slept out maybe I wouldn’t be so groggy as all get-out.

When I got home last night, I finally saw the designs that Mr. Mark Bakalor has been laboring over, the designs for our brand spanking new handy-dandy sections. We are going to have spiffy new sections for The First Nudie Musical and my book, Benjamin Kritzer. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Mr. Mark Bakalor has done a lovely job on these designs and I think you will be very impressed and will spend hours and hours of each and every day perusing them. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, such as Mr. Mark Bakalor or myself being attacked by mutant vegetables, the new sections should be up and viewable on Monday, or tomorrow, which is another way of looking at Monday if it happens to be Sunday. We are also going to create a separate section to house our upcoming brand spanking new interviews. It will be known as the Unseemly Interview Section and it will be spiffy. There will also be many new and sparkling products for sale in our sparkling and unseemly product gallery. We will have Nudie Musical hats and t-shirts and even wall clocks. And, we will also have Nudie Musical boxer shorts. I, for one, will be purchasing a Nudie Musical wall clock because one simply must have such a thing on one’s wall. Or, perhaps I’ll put the wall clock on the counter, just to be contrary. We will also have Benjamin Kritzer t-shirts, golf shirts, wall clocks, mugs, hats, and various and sundried other amusing items. They will all be coming soon here at haineshisway.com, most certainly they will be available for ordering within the next three weeks. I’ve already booked our first interviewees and I think you will enjoy their interviews very much indeed. Yes, we are intent on making haineshisway.com the place to be for those who are part of the in crowd, for those who are with it, for those who know what’s what, for those who dig cool, man. We don’t want any mutant vegetables around these parts – no, the mutant vegetables (and they know who they are) can go elsewhere, can frequent other sites, can be ordinary and live their humdrum mundane lives without such accoutrements as Guy Haines Boxer Shorts, or Nudie Musical Wall Clocks, or Benjamin Kritzer Golf Shirts. What the hell am I talking about? Am I beginning to sound like some mutant vegetable gone horribly awry?

Well, speaking of mutant vegetables (and I was), isn’t it time for us all to click on the Unseemly Button below, before we all become mutant vegetables?

- Sunday, May 19, 2002 @ 10:45 AM PST

Saturday, May 18, 2002

Today, I shall be attending a handy-dandy rare book show in Glendale, California where I will be looking at handy-dandy rare books. These are mostly first editions, and they will be very pricey indeed. I love to peruse rare book shows and look at the very pricey indeed books. Especially when I see a book I already own going for a lot of money. Oh, that makes me feel lovely inside, that makes me feel like eating a cheese slice and a ham chunk and dancing the Hora. Of course, if I actually did so then people would invariably look at me askance and we can’t have that, now can we? One glance from the withering heights is enough.

Last night I went to dinner with Miss Cissy Wechter and her grandchildren Zach and Daniel Wechter. Whilst at dinner, I consumed a dinner salad, a bacon cheeseburger and fries. This bacon cheeseburger was the size of a small country and I thought I was going to die by the end of the meal, so full was I. The problem was that I’ve been losing weight, so my stomach shrunk, so I filled up faster than usual. Now, a normal person would have stopped eating when the first signs of being uncomfortable occurred. Yes, that is what a normal person would have done. I, however, kept eating until I thought I was going to explode. I, dear readers, am a member of the clean plate club, and by gum and by golly my plate was clean when I left that restaurant. The kids, of course, wanted dessert, so we went to a place called Coldstone’s where they got ice cream. Of course, you can’t take me to a place called Coldstone’s and expect me not to try the ice cream, so I had a small cup of ice cream, specifically sweet cream ice cream with coconut flavoring and chocolate chips. I believe there was about a pound of ice cream in this small cup and by the time I finished it (and I did finish it) I began to feel as if I were going to have a heart attack and die right there in a Calabasas mall. However, we walked for ten minutes, so I did get some exercise. We then went back to Miss Cissy Wechter’s very own home, where I introduced the kids to the wonders of The Marx Brothers, by showing them a video of Duck Soup. Now, you never know what kids these days will laugh at – although it’s hard not to laugh at Groucho, no matter what. They liked it pretty well, but they did not laugh at Groucho much at all. Do you know who they laughed at, and laughed at loudly? Harpo. Harpo and Chico. Especially the scenes with Edgar Kennedy – they roared at those scenes. And the mirror scene with Groucho and Harpo had them roaring as well. But they never laughed once at any of Groucho’s classic dialogue. Isn’t that interesting? I, of course, laughed at all of Groucho’s classic dialogue. And I must say that Margaret Dumont was one of the greats, wasn’t she? Did you know that I met Mr. Groucho Marx several times, and even went to his very own home one fine night? I got to play the piano for him as he sang Hooray for Captain Spaulding. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? I remember that his cat was going to be spayed the next day, and every five minutes he kept leaning over to it and saying, “You’ll have no balls tomorrow”. Needless to say, one laughed harder each time he said it.

What am I, writing the whole of these here notes in the first section? I do that a lot, don’t I? Then I either get a withering glance from Mr. Mark Bakalor, or I get bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor, damn his eyes and nose. In any case, let us all click on the Unseemly Button below because the cleaning lady’s sister has arrived and she is already giving me glances from the withering heights.

- Saturday, May 18, 2002 @ 09:56 AM PST

Friday, May 17, 2002

THE FRIDAY AFTER THE THURSDAY BEFORE THE SATURDAY
Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

If it’s Friday after the Thursday before the Saturday,
Would Wednesday be the former and Thursday the
latter day?
And if Sunday is the one day
That comes after Saturday
If you ate more on Sunday
Would that be a fatter day?

The days of the week can sometimes be confusing,
The days of the week can sometimes be obtuse.
Though the days of the week are sometimes oblique
They’re always unique even if you are Greek

If it’s Friday after the Thursday before the Saturday,
Then can Sunday be far away?
If it’s suddenly Sunday
The next day is Monday
We’re off on a rondelay
For the days of the week keep rolling along
And as long as you know that then what can be wrong?
And so open your mouth and start singing so strong
This Friday after the Thursday
Before the Saturday
Song!

What a fine Meltz and Ernest song that is. The march tune is very catchy, too. There’s such an optimistic yet frantic air about it, isn’t there?

Has anyone noticed how long the Thursday notes have become? It’s like a novella, the Thursday notes are. So, I’m keeping the Friday notes brief because you deserve a break from long notes. I also deserve a break from long notes, because I need to recharge my batteries, replenish the well, cleanse the cranium and so forth and so on and also so on and so forth.

I went to dinner at a friend’s house last night and later in the evening she wanted to watch her favorite television program, entitled CSI or something. First we watched Friends, where someone had a baby. I was told it was very funny, but since I had never seen an episode of Friends I had no idea who the characters were so hence no idea why it was funny. I haven’t watched much television in the last ten years and haven’t seen most shows – although I did watch a few episodes of Third Rock From the Sun. Other than that, the only shows I’ve seen are the ones that come out on DVD, like The Sopranos, which I love, and The Larry Sanders Show, which is pretty funny. Anyway, then there was something on called Will and Grace, which I found totally unfunny (I know everyone loves it) – and I, who love stereotypes, was mildly amazed at the actor portraying Will’s gay boyfriend (not sure if he was a boyfriend or not, actually) – it bordered on offensive in my opinion. Then came CSI, which seemed like an okay show – I like William Peterson, but again, it was a bit shocking to see how far television has come since the last time I watched (I mean network television, of course). There were some very bold things on the show, very nasty indeed. Why am I talking about television? I like My Three Sons and I was quite fond of Zorro and The Name of The Game.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about right now. That is because it’s the Friday after the Thursday before the Saturday, when my mind is discombobulated and even discombillulated. My mind is a jumble, an olio, a stew. I think the best thing we can all do at this point is to click on the Unseemly Button below and move along to the next section.

- Friday, May 17, 2002 @ 10:20 AM PST

Thursday, May 16, 2002

I attended the lecture on American Song, given by my pal Jim Jimirro. I must say, the rather elderly audience ate him up (no mean feat), and whenever he’d mention a song or quote a lyric, the whole place sang along with him. In a way it’s a shame he can’t get young people to come to these lectures, because right now he’s really preaching to the converted, as it were. Still and all, it was very enjoyable and he even invoked my very own name twice. He also commented on my lovely blonde highlights by saying, "Hey Bruce, surf's up".

Well, perhaps it’s time I start in answering your plethora of questions, because there are a lot of them, and as most of you know I do go on. Oh, yes, I do go on and that is because answering questions is not beyond my ken or my Barbie. But first, before I can do any answering, we must all click on that Unseemly Button below. Thus it is written, thus it must be done. What am I, Charlton Heston all of a sudden? Oh, let’s click and be done with it.

- Thursday, May 16, 2002 @ 09:42 AM PST

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Wasn’t list day fun yesterday? We had all manner of lists. We had this list and that list, in fact the only list we didn’t have was Franz Liszt.

A very exciting DVD came out yesterday – Mr. Rod Serling’s Requiem for a Heavyweight. This DVD is the film version as opposed to the Playhouse 90 television version. I watched a little bit of it and it looks and sounds great – I really like Requiem for a Heavyweight, especially this film version, directed by Ralph Nelson and starring Anthony Quinn as Mountain Rivera, Jackie Gleason, Mickey Rooney, Julie Harris, and the intensely weird Madame Spivy. Madame Spive was quite a popular character actor back then – her best role is in an Alfred Hitchcock Presents called Specialty of the House, which is one of the most delectable half-hours ever done on television. Anyway, I recommend Requiem for a Heavyweight, the movie. It’s also got a powerhouse musical score by the brilliant Laurence Rosenthal (he of Sherry!). In fact, Mr. Rosenthal wrote three of the best film scores I’ve ever heard and he wrote them back to back: A Raisin In The Sun, The Miracle Worker and Requiem for a Heavyweight.

Also out is a film called The Man Who Haunted Himself. When I looked at the DVD package and read the plot, I thought it sounded very familiar. As soon as I put the DVD on and looked at the credits, I knew exactly what it was: this film is adapted from a short story that was also done as an Alfred Hitchcock Presents half-hour (directed by Mr. Hitchcock himself) called The Case of Mr. Pelham. I haven’t watched it yet, but intend to very soon. It stars the pre-James Bond Roger Moore and was the final film directed by the good director, Mr. Basil Dearden.

What am I, the DVD Newsletter all of a sudden? Oh, I have some very good news, dear readers. The pain in my back has vanished – it disappeared instantaneously about an hour after I wrote yesterday’s notes. Isn’t that weird? First there’s unbearable pain, and then a moment later it is totally gone. Oh, well, as Mr. Alan Jay Lerner once said, “The pain in Spain stays mainly on the plane”. Or was it Herve Villechaize who said that?

What in tarnation is going on here? While we are reveling in the thought of our heavy traffic, while we are discussing DVD ephemera, while we are invoking the name of Herve Villechaize, shouldn’t we be clicking on the Unseemly Button below? We should and we shall, not necessarily in that order.

- Wednesday, May 15, 2002 @ 08:54 AM PST

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

Your lists yesterday were great, very interesting and intriguing. We’re going to choose a couple at random (in our handy-dandy electronic hat) and do radio shows based on them, and also do phone interviews with the people who made them. Won’t that be fun? Won’t that be too too? I did listen to my very own radio appearance - I do apologize for being so hoarse, but my allergies have been really bad and that's what happens when my allergies are really bad - I get hoarse, which I suppose is better than getting horse. Did anyone notice how many times I used the word "exemplary"? Or "brilliant"? Or "genius"? Or the sentence "One of the best ever"? I need a writer, dear readers. I just kept saying the same thing over and over again until I wanted to rip my eyes out of their very own sockets.

And speaking of our very own electronic hat, we don’t even have to use it today because we only had three guesses in the trivia quiz and only one of them was correct. I’m afraid we must take a poll and you must tell me if you are simply bored by the Unseemly Trivia Contest and if we should drop it. Let me know your thoughts.

We’ll get to the handy-dandy answer in a brief moment, being that these are brief notes. First let me tell you about a couple of new DVDs I watched last night. But first, a word from our sponsor, the Unseemly Button below. In order to bypass a word from our sponsor, let’s quickly click on it now.

- Tuesday, May 14, 2002 @ 09:13 AM PST

Monday, May 13, 2002

I do hope that all you dear readers will be tuning into this week’s handy-dandy radio show to hear me pick twelve of my favorite showtunes. If you haven’t done so, do. If you have done so, do. Do, do, do (that is three dos), which is also a coprophiliac’s favorite Gershwin song).

Also, if you missed this weekend’s notes, you might want to catch up on them by using the handy-dandy Unseemly Archive Button, because there are many interesting tidbits and also regular-sized bits scattered about to and fro and fro and to and hither and thither and yon like fine fertilizer. Also, we have had no correct guesses in this week’s trivia contest. As those who were around on the weekend know, the original question became null and void when a dear reader inadvertently posted the answer to the site. So, I had to scurry about to find a substitute question, and I thought the substitute question was quite simple, but apparently it is not. You have until tonight to get in your handy-dandy guesses. I will be merciful and tell you that there is a clue buried in yesterday’s notes and/or posts.

I picked up several new DVDs over the weekend and I’ve watched a few, so let’s all click on that Unseemly Button to find out which I watched and before Mr. Mark Bakalor hoists us on our own collective petards.

- Monday, May 13, 2002 @ 09:52 AM PST

Sunday, May 12, 2002

It’s nice for the kids who get to be in a show, it’s nice for the parents who get to see their kids in a show – it’s a bit less fun for the audience, however. Actually, when the kids run on and are part of the numbers (they are inserted into quite a few), it was quite entertaining. It was the adults that were the problem. The director of this whole thing also chose to play Mr. Albert Peterson. He’s a reasonable performer but he is not Mr. Albert Peterson. The gal who played Rosie has had quite a bit of experience singing backup for the likes of Mary Wilson. She wasn’t a very good actress, though, and the sound system totally killed any chance for her vocals to shine (her voice didn’t project well on its own), but in the worst thing in the whole evening, they actually gave her a song that wasn’t from Bye Bye Birdie, just a kind of R&B number, and it was just awful (not to mention that they could have been shut down by MTI, who licenses the show). They cut Baby, Talk to Me and The Shriner’s Ballet. The band was two keyboards and a drummer – unfortunately, the two keyboards were in the wings on stage right, and the drummer was in the wings on stage left. Resulting chaos ensued, drummer/keyboard-wise. It was all very amateur, but I suppose that is part of its charm. However, I must say that the middle school production I saw three weeks ago, with a complete cast of junior high school kids was, though not as well paced, much better, especially the thirteen year old girl who played Rosie, who was excellent. But that wasn’t the point, and the kids were cute as buttons (no mean feat), and none moreso than Daniel Wechter. And would you like to know who else’s kid was in the show? Well, I’ll tell you who else’s kid was in the show, because you have a right to know. Mr. John Tesh and Miss Connie Selleca’s kid was in the show, that’s whose kid was in the show, and the proud parents were right there in the audience cheering their cute kid on. The woman who played Albert’s mother got the biggest reaction in the show because about half the audience were friends of hers. She wasn’t bad, and they gave her what I believe was the new song Strouse and Adams wrote for that character, a totally unnecessary number in my opinion. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Still and all, we had a good time, and then we went out to Ben and Jerry’s, where I had two count them two scoops of coconut, almond and fudge chip ice cream.

Let’s take a pause while you all drool in envy that I was having two scoops of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream, and whilst pausing let us click on the Unseemly Button below.

- Sunday, May 12, 2002 @ 09:55 AM PST

Saturday, May 11, 2002

Yesterday, I finally got to see the handy-dandy menus for the DVD of my film, The First Nudie Musical. They are very clever and lots of fun – they’re fully animated, they have music and sound-bites and I was very impressed. Above all, they are easy to navigate. Some of these DVD menus are nigh unto impossible to navigate. I don’t like that word “nigh” do you? You just know that some lazy word person somewhere said, “well, if I just take the “t” off of “night” I’ll create a new word, “nigh”.” Look at that word, just sitting there like so much fish, with no point and no purpose other than to annoy me. In fact, that whole phrase, “nigh unto impossible” just irks me. I am irked just looking at it. An irked person is typing right now. And while we’re at it, why don’t we just drop the “t” off of “right” and have a new word, “righ”. Yes, our menus are righ unto the probable to navigate, so there. What the hell am I talking about? In any case, the menus are spiffy and totally with it and cool, man. In fact, I would go so far as to say they are cooliscious – I’ll say it and let the chips fall where they may.

Well, you all know what today is, don’t you? Today is our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest question day, that’s what today is. Now, no sitting on your unseemly butt cheeks – you must play to win and win to play. You must not lurk, like our other lurkers. You must step forward, head held high and you must guess, dear readers, even if you feel finding the answer to the question is nigh unto impossible. So, let us gird our collective loins and just click on that Unseemly Button below. “Gird our collective loins”? Did I just write that sentence? Frankly, I would much prefer to loin our collective girds, wouldn’t you? The last time I girded my loins I had a hernia. “Loins”. That is just such a Jerry Lewis word, isn’t it? Let’s all say “loins” in our best Jerry Lewis voice, on the count of three: One, two, three: Loins. Whoa, that was a cacophony of Jerrys. Of course, to a coprophiliac that would be cacophony. Where was I? Oh, yes, we must gird our loins and click on the Unseemly Button below.

- Saturday, May 11, 2002 @ 08:38 AM PST

Friday, May 10, 2002

In honor of it being 5:48, perhaps I’ll go read the marvelous short story The 5:48 by Mr. John Cheever. No, I will not do that because it is now 5:49 and Mr. John Cheever did not write a story entitled The 5:49. If I had a handy-dandy swimming pool then I could go swimming and then read the marvelous short-story The Swimmer by Mr. John Cheever. However, I do not have a handy-dandy swimming pool, hence I will not be reading the marvelous short story, The Swimmer. Oh, well, I guess Mr. John Cheever shall go unread this fine Friday morning, at least by the likes of me.

Did you know that Mr. Michael Todd, Jr. passed away? I will always have a fond place in my heart for Mr. Michael Todd, Jr. for it was Mr. Michael Todd, Jr. that gave the world the one-and-only feature film made in his marvelous patented process, Smell-o-Vision. Oh, yes, there was a competing smell process called AromaRama, but it couldn’t hold a candle to Smell-o-Vision. Movies that smelled, of course, did not catch on with the public, because usually the public can smell a movie before it ever gets to the theater, especially a stinker. But I saw the one-and-only feature made in Smell-o-Vision and I’m here to tell you that I loved it, loved it, do you hear me? It was called Scent of Mystery, and it starred Denholm Elliot as Lucky Larker, with Diana Dors (who could not love a woman called Diana Dors), Peter Lorre and Paul Lukas in support. There was also a “mystery woman” who we never see, except from the back, and she is always wearing the Scent of Mystery perfume. At the end of the film, the mystery woman is revealed to be the one-and-only Elizabeth Taylor. The film was stunning to look at, all shot on location is Spain in Todd AO, with astonishing six track stereophonic sound. So vivid is my memory of this film that I can tell you that the overture started with horns honking from all around the theater. In the first scene of the film, the camera follows a butterfly as it flits to and fro and fro and to and hither and thither and yon, until it finally swoops down into a rose garden and we, the audience, are treated to a beautiful smell of roses. Each seat in the theater had a tube beneath it and that is how the smells were piped in – in the projection booth was a huge machine which held all the smells and those smells were triggered by the film itself. There has been much speculation that the reason Smell-o-Vision failed was because they couldn’t clear the smells out in time for the next smell and smell confusion ran rampant. But that is not so, dear readers, they cleared those smells just fine and there was no smell confusion. Plus, if you had a good sense of smell, you could solve the mystery in Scent of Mystery. Being an aficiando of this sort of thing, I also saw the competing smell movie in AromaRama (it actually beat Scent of Mystery into the theater by a week, damn their smelly eyes), entitled Behind the Great Wall. What those cheeseball exploitation mavens had done was to buy a cheap documentary about China and add smells to it. I remember there was a prologue with either Chet Huntley or David Brinkley, in which they explained the process of AromaRama, in which the smells were blown in through the air-conditioning unit of the theater, in this case the Four Star on Wilshire Blvd (literally two blocks from where Scent of Mystery was playing at the Ritz). At some point, Mr. Huntley or Mr. Brinkley cut an orange in half and suddenly we were treated to the smell of an orange. It was not nearly as effective as Smell-o-Vision, because the smells were not instant and it did take forever to clear the air.

Scent of Mystery had an interesting fate. It was a huge flop, and then it was recut, shortened by almost an hour, narration was added to keep the story coherent, and it was shown in Cinerama theaters as Holiday in Spain. It is, as far as I know, the only Todd AO (or any other 65mm film) that has never been printed down to 35mm, so it is almost literally a lost film. It was shown once on television, almost twenty years ago under the title Scent of Mystery, even though they showed the cut version, Holiday in Spain. Viewers could purchase scratch ‘n sniff cards at 7-11 and recreate the thrill of Smell-o-Vision in their very own homes. But the print they showed literally looked like it had been videotaped off a movie screen, which it may well have been. It was totally faded and just awful. I would love to see the original cut restored to its Todd AO glory, but one doubts that will be happening any time soon.

What am I, writing the whole of these here notes in the first section? I can’t do that, that is unseemly and I will be bitch-slapped at 6:10 on a fine Friday morning. So, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button and be done with this section.

- Friday, May 10, 2002 @ 07:05 AM PST

Thursday, May 9, 2002

I have had such fun doing these here notes, and I feel like we are all in this together. Our little posting system has become the envy of one and all and also all and one. People have taken notice, oh, yes, people have taken notice. And they’d better put “notice” back before someone misses it. And now, we must continue to grow, we must become more popular with the populace, so tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the man in the street, tell it to the marines – haineshisway.com is the place where the in crowd meets. I think we must now pause and give a word of thanks to the man who has made all this possible, Mr. Guy Haines. We must now pause and also give a word of thanks to our very own Mr. Mark Bakalor who, despite being errant and truant occasionally, really does do a splendid job of keeping this site up and running and in tip-top shape. Or is it top-tip shape? We must now pause and also give a word of thanks to our very own Mr. Donald Feltham and his sparkling The Broadway Radio Show, one of the most popular internet radio shows in existence. Enough with the pausing. We’ve got celebrating to do. We must run amok and do the pudding dance, but only after we’ve eaten the pudding. Many of our dear readers have been with us since the first day. Some joined soon thereafter and some found us by happenstance. But however and whenever you came I hope you will always feel welcome here and like you are a true Hainsie/Kimlet.

Very soon we will have sparkling additions to the site. Many exciting things are happening and you will all be the very first to know what they are. So stay with us, be a loyal true blue Hainsie/Kimlet and let us put a pox on those who would wish us ill. Perhaps we will make them eat lox. That would be a fine pox, especially if the lox were in a box. Oh, how we would laugh and laugh at the lox pox in a box. And they’d have to eat the lox in the box whilst wearing their socks. That would be a fine how do you do, wouldn’t it? Yes, those who would wish us ill, those who would throw rocks should beware the lox in the box socks pox. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, let us all be loyal true blue Hainsies/Kimlets. Or, if you don’t like being true blue you could be true orange or maybe even true magenta.

Oh, I feel we should strew confetti hither and thither and also yon. In any case, while we are doing our handy-dandy celebrating, why don’t I start answering the plethora of questions you posted for me? Yes, that would be a fine thing to do whilst we partake of our ham chunks and cheese slices and shrimp bits on toast. But first, let us all click on that Unseemly Button below because, after all, we’ve been doing that unseemly fershluganah clicking for sixth whole months. Yes, click, click, click (that is three clicks) that is what we do here at haineshisway.com. On the count of three let’s click once again: One, two, three.

- Thursday, May 9, 2002 @ 10:13 AM PST

Wednesday, May 8, 2002

Last night I dreamed I was at Manderley.

In my dream, I was either staying or living in a room in a building in Culver City. When you turned the water off in the shower it would start running in the tub, both of which were located in the kitchen. When you would then turn the water off in the tub it would start running in the shower. It was like a Buster Keaton kind of dream. Then, since there was no food in the refrigerator (which was in the living room), I went out to get something. As I began to walk I noticed that the streets were only lit by yellow bulbs. I walked a half a block and then thought, “I shouldn’t be out walking alone in this neighborhood” and I turned around to go back. As I walked back, I passed by a swimming pool which was located, for some reason, on a street corner. There were some drunken louts standing by the pool and, as I walked, one of them came up to me and started to try to push me in the swimming pool. I pushed him back and said, “Stay away from me you drunken lout”. His drunken lout friends started to move toward me, so I grabbed the first drunken lout quite strongly by his privates. That took care of that and then I woke up.

Wasn’t that an excellent dream? Can you imagine those drunken louts thinking they could push me around? Can you imagine a swimming pool on a street corner in Culver City? I feel that dream was frought, simply frought with meaning, but I have no idea what that meaning was or is, or even is or was.

Well, dear readers, we all know what today is. Today is Ask BK Day, and I do hope you all have your excellent questions ready for me. Remember, post them here, but don’t anyone answer any of them even if you know the answer and are chomping at the bit to answer – just restrain yourselves and leave the bit unchomped. You will have your turn to answer, dear readers, because I’ve decided that we are going to have an Ask Dear Reader Day very soon, and I will ask you the questions. Isn’t that a splendid and sparkling idea? Isn’t that just too too?

Also, we have a major event happening tomorrow. In addition to my answering your questions, we will be having a party to celebrate said major event. So be sure to stop by, every single one of you. And that includes all you dear readers who lurk. Yes, Virginia, you read that right, there are lurkers who read these here notes every single day. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, we have people who stop, lurk, and listen every single day. I do hope our dear lurkers are enjoying what they read, too, and that they are getting fountains of knowledge and insight at this in site. Because haineshisway.com is becoming an in site, and that is because we are cool, man, we are the coolest – we are the frozen U-No Bar of the internet, man. There may be hotter sites than this, but none that are as cool. We are cooliscious, man, and anyone who doesn’t come to this here site and read these here notes is not cool, man, they are totally without cool. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, the major event and the party we’ll be having to celebrate it.

Last night I went out to dinner and I had a club sandwich. Not a heart sandwich, or a spade sandwich, or even a diamond sandwich mind you, no, I had a club sandwich. And amongst the ingredients included in this club sandwich was apple-smoked bacon. I didn’t even know that apples smoked bacon, did you? That is just too cool, man. Just picture those apples, sitting in their rooms in Culver City, smoking their bacon without a care in the world. In any case, the apple-smoked bacon was absolutely delicious. I wonder if oranges smoke bacon? I wonder if peaches smoke bacon? I wonder if Timothy Leary-Deary smoked bacon? Yes, I wonder whilst I wander and I wander whilst I wonder and this entire paragraph has taken on a distinctly Marx Bros. air about it.

Well, I believe it’s time for us all to click on the Unseemly Button below, and that includes you lurkers. Come on, we know you’re there – so let’s all click away on the count of three: One, two, three…

- Wednesday, May 8, 2002 @ 10:19 AM PST

Tuesday, May 7, 2002

Wasn’t that a fine story? Did you know that I totally forgot to mention that we had a brand spanking new The Broadway Radio Show up and running? It’s a good one, too, featuring songs from this season’s one-person shows, including those of Bea Arthur and Elaine Stritch. So, do give a listen. Also, tune in to the Laverne and Shirley Special tonight at eight o’clock, because unless something has changed, I believe I’m featured in a clip.

Did you know that April was our biggest month here at haineshisway.com? We had more traffic in April than any other month heretofore. Our previous biggest month had been December, but April topped it. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Now, we must continue our upward trajectory – tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the man in the street, tell the man of La Mancha, tell everyone to come here and have fun. But only if they are fun people. We don’t want any deadbeats or cretins like they have on other sites where posting is allowed. We don’t want any unseemly types around here. We want people who know how to appreciate a cheese slice and a ham chunk, people who can dance the Hora and who aren’t afraid to wear colored tights and pantaloons and pointy party hats. We don’t want any uncouth interlopers around here, let me tell you that. Why if we catch any uncouth interlopers around here there will be hell to pay, and hell is expensive, hell does not come cheaply. Hell charges top dollar, but we will pay hell if any uncouth interlopers show their ugly mugs around these parts. What the hell am I talking about? Do I have to pay hell a royalty if I keep mentioning it?

Has anyone noticed that Tuesday is the day in which I have nothing whatsoever to say? Has anyone noticed that Tuesday is the day these notes are all over the map? Well, perhaps we’d better all click on that Unseemly Button below, because if we don’t there surely will be hell to pay and I, for one or two, have grown weary of paying hell. The hell with hell. Quick, the click.

- Tuesday, May 7, 2002 @ 10:16 AM PST

Monday, May 6, 2002

Here is something interesting for those that like something interesting: On this, my handy-dandy laptop computer, there is something called a browser cache and said browser cache has a size limit, according to the handy-dandy aol systems utilities thing. That size limit is 65,505 KB. First of all, shouldn’t the size limit be 65,505 BK since it’s my computer. What are they, dyslexic at AOL? Well, no need to answer that, is there? Anyway, I would occasionally go into the “utilities” thing and clear the cache when it would get up past 40,000 KB or BK, because things would move faster when I did that. But of late I have noticed a heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) thing happening. My KB or BK has jumped into the millions. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, whilst my browser cache limit is still 65,505 KB/BK, the number above it rises well into the million KB/BK. How can that be and why? Or, conversely, why can that be and how? AOL, of course, has every answer under the sun and every solution, none of which have anything to do with the problem. AOL just loves to have you unload adapters and other things, but whatever they have you do doesn’t fix the problem at hand. Now, I don’t know that it is a problem, mind you, because everything still works, so maybe that million-plus KB/BK number is bogus. I just find it weird that it’s doing it now when it’s never done it before. Computer experts tell me it has something to do with cookies. They say my computer has cookies. Well, I have never seen a cookie on this computer and I certainly would have noticed a cookie, especially if it were an Oreo or a Nutter Butter or one of those pink and white Mother’s animal cookies. In any case, my computer expert friends say cookies are the culprit, but I was under the impression that one must have cookies so that when you log onto amazon.com you can see “Hello, Bruce, we have new things for you”. Well, that’s what I see – I hope you see your very own name and not mine. If you see mine, then you have to “click here” according to amazon. I don’t really know what happens if you “click here” but I believe you are taken to a dungeon and flogged mercilessly, like Judge Turpin, and you are made to stand in the corner and sing songs from Phantom of the Opera in Latvian. Where was I? Oh, yes, cookies. Well, presumably I’ve always had cookies, but this million KB/BK thing has only been happening for the last eight weeks or so. I tell you it is unseemly to have over a million KB/BK when your limit is 65,505 KB/BK. Computers – I tell you.

All this talk of cookies has made me desirous of one. And yet, I have no cookies in my very own home, so my desire will have to remain a streetcar, or my desire will have to cool it under the elms.

Yesterday, I caught up on some DVD watching (Sunday being a good day to do such things). I watched my second Cliff Richard musical, Summer Holiday, which was enjoyable but not nearly as good as The Young Ones, even though it was a bigger hit. However, as I watched it I couldn’t help thinking that Mr. Jacques Demy must have been a big fan of both these movies. See them and you will know why immediately. Summer Holiday especially has many costumes and color designs and choreography (again by Herbert Ross) that will instantly transport you to Rochefort. Most interestingly, the leading lady of Summer Holiday is Lauri Walters, who was the original Broadway Liesl in The Sound of Music. She’s cute as a button, our Lauri is.

I then watched the brand spanking new DVD of Walt Disney’s The Parent Trap, starring Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills. However, before I discuss it I’m afraid we must all do that tiresome thing we must do – we must all click on that Unseemly Button below because, well, we must, according to the powers that be. One cannot defy the powers that be because the powers that be will then bitch-slap each and every last one of us and we can’t have that, so let us click away and be done with it.

- Monday, May 6, 2002 @ 09:14 AM PST

Sunday, May 5, 2002

I went from The Young Ones to I Want to Live! starring Miss Susan Hayward in her Academy Award-winning performance. She’s great in this film. The film is a bit wacky at times, but it still works and is quite powerful. It also has a cool, man, cool score by Johnny Mandel, which is played by some cool, man, cool players (who are also featured in the film) – Shelly Manne, man, Gerry Mulligan, Art Farmer, Pete Jolly, man. They are the most cooliscious, man.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? What am I, trying to win the Longest Paragraph in History Award, man?

I am here to tell you that we’ve only had one guess in our Unseemly Trivia Contest. How is that possible? If you haven’t seen the question (we did not have a lot of dear readers yesterday) then just check out yesterday’s notes which are lying next to yesterday’s mashed potatoes, man, and then send your unseemly guesses. And for those who have been posting their own unseemly trivia queries, save them and send them to me and I will have some guest trivia contest questions. If I use your question I will send you a sparkling prize.

Well, it is now 8:55 a.m. and I think that is a fine time for all of us to click on the Unseemly Button below.

- Sunday, May 5, 2002 @ 09:35 AM PST

Saturday, May 4, 2002

So, off I went to the handy-dandy store where I bought a brand spanking new Hoover upright vacuum cleaner. These new-fangled Hoover upright vacuum cleaners are amazing. Their so now, so with it, and I can barely hold on to it when I switch it on, so intent is this Hoover upright vacuum cleaner on getting to the dirt. This thing sucks, let me tell you that. I have never seen such sucking in all my born days, or even my unborn days for that or any other matter. I didn’t like the fact that one had to assemble such an expensive machine, but one has to because it comes in two parts. Since I don’t assemble, I had to call a friend who is a fine assembler and she assembled it quite handily thank you very much. The cleaning lady should be very happy with this new Hoover upright vacuum cleaner and all its sparkling accoutrements. And my rugs will once again be dirt-free because this thing does not stop until all the dirt has been sucked up into its innards. This thing has a red light/green light thing on it, and until that red light turns green there is still dirt – when it turns green then the dirt is gone and all is well with the world, the rug, and the Hoover.

Can you believe I have just written two endless paragraphs about a vacuum cleaner? Well, that is a fine way to start a Saturday, say I. Being Saturday, of course, also means that it is time for our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest question. But before we get to that, I want to congratulate all of our dear readers for their brilliant posts yesterday – if anyone missed yesterday’s notes you simply must use the handy-dandy Unseemly Archive Button so you can see what subject really brought out the brilliance in our dear readers.

Speaking of brilliance, isn’t it about time we all show our dexterity by clicking on that Unseemly Button below? Oh, yes, I think it’s time we all show our dexterity because if we don’t show our collective dexterities we shall be bitch-slapped by the all-knowing, all-seeing, Grand Poobah of this here domain, Mr. Mark Bakalor. So, let us click away, before that Grand Poobah has a chance to strut his bitch-slapping stuff.

- Saturday, May 4, 2002 @ 09:08 AM PST

Friday, May 3, 2002

Speaking of Li’l Abner, do you know what I bought on eBay the other day? I bought an album I didn’t even know existed (on LP) – a jazz version of the score by Shelly Manne and Andre Previn. I haven’t heard it yet, but I’m looking forward to spinning that platter this very day. Also on this very day I am having luncheon with one of our very own dear readers, Mr. Mark Rothman, who was recently a winner in one of our handy-dandy trivia contests. I’ve actually known Mr. Rothman for many years, as he used to be a writer on Laverne and Shirley. How he found our little site I have no idea, but find it he did. I love the fact that you dear readers come from all walks of life. What I’d like to know is if any of you come from all runs of life? Why does everyone always have to come from the walks of life? How about the trots of life? I’m tired of the fershluganah walks of life.

I have been feeling a little under the weather this entire week – and now my throat feels weird, but I am fighting whatever it is and I intend to win this fight. I wish to feel over the weather, not under it. I think it’s just because I hadn’t been getting much sleep prior to our handy-dandy benefit and that lack of sleep finally caught up with me. Tonight I will be having my handy-dandy Russian masseuse come over to massage me, and I know that will make me feel like I’m on the top of the world, ma.
It’s a beautiful Friday here in Los Angeles, California. The skies are blue and there is a gentle breeze blowing, rustling the leaves of the trees. My goodness, that was poetic, wasn’t it? I almost wept for the sheer poetry of it all, but then I decided to eat a gummy horse instead. That is a fine way to start off a morning, eating a gummy horse. This particular gummy horse was pale green. Perhaps I’ll eat a pink gummy horse next. What the hell am I talking about? Eating gummy horses? We must have something better to talk about. Excuse me for a moment.

No, apparently we don’t have anything better to talk about. I just roamed around my very own home looking for something better to talk about and yet I found nothing that was better to talk about than eating a green and pink gummy horse.

Last night I watched a classic film noir, Anthony Mann’s Raw Deal. Mr. Mann was a fine director, and his films noir are amongst the best of the genre, due to his collaboration with the brilliant cinematographer, John Alton. Not a great script or anything, but the performances are fun (Claire Trevor, Dennis O’Keefe and a very large and young Raymond Burr) and the direction and photography are incredible. I also recommend the other Anthony Mann/John Alton DVD that just came out, T-Men.

What am I, writing the whole of these notes in this first section? How unseemly of me. Let us save some of the whole of these notes for the next section before we are bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor, that very busy hale fellow well met. Or is it well fellow hale met? Oh, let’s just click on that Unseemly Button and be done with it.

- Friday, May 3, 2002 @ 08:49 AM PST

Thursday, May 2, 2002

Have I mentioned that my kitchen is beginning to resemble a kitchen again? It is, and that is a good thing. It was beginning to resemble a pig sty, and a person who is as anal and orderly as I cannot have a kitchen which resembles a pig sty. Now my kitchen resembles a kitchen and that is ever so much nicer. My kitchen also bears a slight resemblance to Ona Munson, but that’s another story.

I must make mention of the fact that on May 20th, there is a memorial concert for my recently departed and very dear friend, Mr. Donald Johnston. It’s taking place at Trinity School on West 91st St. in New York, New York. It’s going to be a wonderful event, so if you’re in the area, be sure to attend – you can RSVP to dbecker593@aol.com or call (973) 313-1988. If you can’t attend, donations can be made to the Yale School of Music for the Donald Johnston Music Award. You can get those details by e-mailing the above address. Donald died quite suddenly last year – he was a fantastic man, a great composer, a wonderful orchestrator (he did my Night of the Hunter album, amongst others – as well as the current revival of 42nd Street) and all who knew him miss him.

Have you all been counting your kitchens? Well, today is the day I answer all the questions you posed yesterday. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Well, in order to get to those handy-dandy answers, we must all do that dreary thing we must do, we must all click on that Unseemly Button below, so let’s do it and get it over with.

- Thursday, May 2, 2002 @ 09:36 AM PST

Wednesday, May 1, 2002

I’d been thinking about writing a novel for twenty years (since Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play), but every time I’d think about it (once a year) I’d think, “Oh, I can’t do that – I’ve never done that. That’s serious writing, I don’t know from serious writing”. Then I’d forget about it, go about my daily business and then a year later think about it again. For awhile I thought I’d write a mystery, because I love mysteries – I even came up with a plot and a good backdrop. It would take place backstage at a Broadway musical tryout. But, I could never get motivated about it. I do recall writing a page or two, but I couldn’t get beyond it, couldn’t decide if it should be first or third person, couldn’t get off my butt cheeks and actually get serious. No, I kept going back to the kind of thing I really wanted to write about, which was my childhood – growing up in Los Angeles in the fifties. I wanted to write a valentine to the city and a valentine to childhood, and I thought I had enough colorful things happen that I could cull from that it would be fun to do. But, still, I couldn’t get off my butt cheeks and actually do it.

Then came One From Column A, a column I wrote under the pseudonym The Real A. I wrote that column once a week for two years over at sondheim.com. When Meryle Secrest’s bio of Stephen Sondheim came out, I decided that her next bio would be The Real A: A Life. And so, under the guise of Miss Secrest doing a bio, I began recounting things from my childhood. Just anecdotes really, but they were funny and brought back many fond memories and ultimately they got me thinking about the fershluganah book again. But doing 130 albums in seven years does keep you sort of busy, so again, I just never could sit down and actually begin. But last May something happened. I was sitting on an airplane, taking one of my frequent trips to New York, and I thought to myself, “You are a total coward about this book”. And I realized I’d never really been a coward about anything creative – I’d acted professionally, I’d written and directed films and television, I’d never shied away from anything. So, I thought, “You either forget about this book – never think of it again, ever, or, you write it – you just start and let it take you wherever it may”. Right then and there, I pulled out my handy-dandy laptop computer and wrote the words “Chapter One” and began typing what would eventually become the Prologue of the book. Other than the vaguest idea that I wanted it to be anecdotal, about me as a child, and in the third person, I had no clue what where it was going to take me. I just wrote. I wrote six pages on the plane and put it away. I read them in the hotel, and by gum and by golly, I thought they were acceptable. From that moment on, I never looked back – I wrote almost every day for the next seven months. Starting Friday, I’ll recount some of that process.

Well, dear readers, do you know what time it is? It’s not Howdy Doody time – it’s time to click on that Unseemly Button below, that’s what time it is. So, to it, I say.

- Wednesday, May 1, 2002 @ 09:42 AM PST