haines his way

Log Archives
June 2003

Monday, June 30, 2003

Well, dear readers, we had another lovely day at the Hollywood Collector’s Showcase yesterday. It started off very slowly, but there seemed to be a steady stream of people all day and by the end of it we’d all done fine. I can’t wait for you all to see the photos we took of all the hobnobbing and nobhobbing that was going on, and I hope and trust that all photos, including the recording session photos will be up and running by Friday in our revamped Unseemly Photo Section. I hobnobbed with Miss Billie Hayes, Mammy Yokum from the film of Li’l Abner – what a delight she is, and I’m telling you if they did a revival of the show she could still do the part. I also hobnobbed with the divoon Miss Tura Satana, star of Mr. Russ Meyer’s classic Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill. I sold a few more books and DVDs and met a lot of nice folks. Miss Susan Gordon had a very good time as well and the whole affair was simply too too.

As most of you know, we had a bit of deesaster here at haineshisway.com when Mr. Mark Bakalor’s entire system crashed, hence our site was down for a good portion of yesterday. Happily, there didn’t seem to be any damage done to anything except our most excellent stats, but such is life. Hopefully steps will be taken to preclude anything like this from happening again. We thank Mr. Mark Bakalor for staying on top of it and getting the site back up and running as quickly as possible.

Today I shall be recording the final vocal for our new CD, with Mr. Jason Graae singing a medley of strange rock-and-roll songs from 50s horror films. And tonight I shall be going to the Gardenia nightclub with our very own Mr. Donald Feltham to see my friend Linden Waddell.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because to not do so would leave us stuck on this page and then we wouldn’t be able to finish these here notes, you wouldn’t be able to make excellent posts and the whole damn thing would be too too unseemly for words.

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- Monday, June 30, 2003 @ 07:44 AM PST

Sunday, June 29, 2003

Well, dear readers, we had a lively and sparkling time at the Hollywood Collector’s Showcase yesterday. We all felt that the attendance was down – there were times when it was very crowded, but there were also times when it was very easy to get to any of the major celebrities, which hasn’t always been the case. Still and all and also all and still, we had a great time, sold some photos, sold some books and sold some DVDs, and rubbed elbows with many nice celebs and fans. The most popular people there were clearly Mrs. Partridge and Miss Paroo herself, Miss Shirley Jones, and Mr. Mini-Me himself, Vern Troyer. We were on the middle aisle again as we were last year, and I was seated next to a 1996 Playmate whose name, I’m afraid, I can’t remember – I think it was Sandy something, but I’ll get it today so you can know tomorrow (or tonight, at chat). She had an interesting array of photos and many drooling boys of all ages came over to her and bought her items and then had photos taken with her. On the other side of us was the very funny Fred Travalina. Directly behind us was the very surly Michael Madsen and behind us and to the left was the marvelous director, Ronald Neame, and his Poseidon stars, Miss Stella Stevens and Miss Carol Lynley. I gave Miss Stella Stevens a copy of Kritzerland so she could read about herself. Our pal Miss Joanie Sommers was there, too, and it was wonderful to see her. Our very own Nick Redman and his very own beautiful daughter Rebecca were with us all day. Screenwriter Charles Pogue (who will be the subject of an upcoming Unseemly Interview) introduced me to the still beautiful and still buxom Miss June Wilkinson – I took several photos which I promise will be up on this here site this week (along with the session photos). Directly across from us was director Vincent Sherman and next to him was Mr. Fly himself, David Hedison. Also in attendance was our friend Scott Schwartz (the actor not the director), the amazing Tura Satana (of Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill), our pal Johnny Crawford, and many others. I had a lovely little chat with Shirley Jones, and I also said hey to the now grown Brian and Suzanne, who played the youngest Partridges. And now I must hurry along and get ready to go back, and if you’re in Los Angeles, California, we hope you’ll drop by.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can rub elbows with the next section.

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- Sunday, June 29, 2003 @ 02:13 PM PST

Saturday, June 28, 2003

Well, dear readers, not only will she of the Evil Eye be here shortly but I of the I Eye must leave in but a moment to head over to the Ray Courts Hollywood Collector’s Showcase show. So, I shall keep these here notes short and sweet, sort of the Saturday Cliff's Notes, whoever the hell he is.

Yesterday we did the vocals of Miss Katherine Helmond, who was absolutely delightful to work with. I think she was very nervous (she’d never done a music recording session before) but I think she ended up having a great time. She told us stories of her recent workshop doing the musical of Harold and Maude, and also stories of working with the quite daffy Mr. Terry Gilliam (with whom she’d done three films). Then Michelle Nicastro came and did her three vocals (doing an Andrews Sisters song). Our very own dear reader Jose did the vocal arrangement and it worked out very well, and Michelle nailed all three parts more quickly than we could have imagined. So, next Monday it’s Jason Graae and the vocals will be complete.

Our very own Susan Gordon and I had an early supper and then I did some stuff and went to bed earlier than usual. My goodness what a dry little paragraph this is. Then I did this, then I did that, then this happened, then that happened, where is the style, where is the humor, where is the tension, where is the drama, where is the fershluganah period so I can end this fershluganah sentence?

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because really I simply must get a move on.

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- Saturday, June 28, 2003 @ 08:12 AM PST

Friday, June 27, 2003

Well, dear readers, if it’s not one thing it’s another. For example, yesterday “it” was an orthodontist, and today “it” is a concierge. I tell you, there is no predicting this “it”. Say what? What say? What the hell am I talking about? I had a point, oh, yes, I had a point, and then the point went south. Why must the point always go south? Why doesn’t the point go north once in a while or, at the very least, east or west? Oh, I remember – it it’s not one thing it’s another. First we have the singing bird doing its all-night shows. Now we have the dancing squirrel on the roof doing early-morning shows. The squirrel was up there beating a tattoo at five this morning. Of course, the minute I couldn’t go back to sleep it stopped. I tell you, these musical comedy animals are driving me crazy. Perhaps Miramax will buy the rights to them and make a movie of their lives.

Yesterday, the killer bees were back with a vengeance. I awoke to find about twenty of them dead as doornails (no mean feat) lying in the shower. But I knew I could not deal with the situation until I got back home, so I took my can of Raid Potent Bee Killer and sprayed the vent from whence they came, and sprayed it good. Then I picked up Ben Jones, the son of Richard Jones – Bee Killer, who was going to help me do my research at the downtown library. Our plan was to take the Metro Rail from North Hollywood. It was a fine plan but when we arrived at the station there was not one place to park, not even in the additional parking lot across the street. We drove down to the Universal City station where the story was the same. What kind of fershluganah system is that? So, we ended up driving downtown. I spent about four hours looking at microfiche and was, once again, amazed at my powers of recall in terms of what movies I saw where when. I was only wrong about one thing, and since that sort of thing bothers me (the same thing happened in Kritzerland – I got one date wrong) I came home and moved the event to its proper time frame, which actually ended up working better. I also called a professional bee killer company and they came out an hour later and went up to the roof and hopefully put an end to these bees once and for all. If the pesticides didn’t get them, surely the sight of that man in a nineteen-forties gas mask did. He said there may be some residual bees left for the next few days, but if there are any beyond that he will come back and blast them from here to eternity.

Well, dear readers, you won't believe it - I barely believe it myself and yet it is true. Yesterday was our best day ever, stats-wise. We shot through the roof. I'd like to shoot through the roof right now and strangle the dancing squirrel. We had over 32,000 hits and over 1,000 separate visits - well, the joint was jumpin', let me tell you that. Why, I predict that soon we will be the most popular site on all the Internet.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can finish these here notes and try to get some more sleep?

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- Friday, June 27, 2003 @ 06:21 AM PST

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Well, dear readers, I must write with haste but must have no waste because as we all know haste makes waste but not if you have taste. Well, we’re off to a flying start, are we not? In fact, we’re off to a flying Wallenda start. In mere moments I must go pick up Ben Jones, son of Richard Jones – Bee Killer, and Margaret Jones, my muse. Together we will go to the downtown library on a field trip, so that I can make sure that all the movies and dates in Kritzer three match up perfectly. I’ve done this for the other two books as well – it’s very tiring but I like to be accurate (and usually am). We are going to park in North Hollywood and take the MetroRail downtown, which will be my first time doing so. Apparently it lets you off right at Pershing Square, which is a mere two blocks from the library. That way we avoid the awful morning and afternoon traffic. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Today we introduce a brand spanking new feature here at haineshiway.com. It’s Juliana’s Journal, wherein our very own Juliana A. Hansen keeps a journal of her experiences doing the national tour of Thoroughly Modern Millie. We’ll follow her ride from the casting sessions, through rehearsals, right to opening night and beyond. I think you’ll find it a lot of fun. It will be updated at least two or three times a week, probably more, so pay a visit. For now, use the Handy-Dandy links to new sections button, and then simply click on Juliana’s Journal and voila, there you will be. We’re going to redesign our home page in the next few weeks, so that all the key links are right there and ready to be clicked on.

Speaking of clicking, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because don’t I have some excellent questions to answer? I do and I shall.

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- Thursday, June 26, 2003 @ 09:12 AM PST

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Well, dear readers, just a reminder that dear reader Susan and I will be doing Hollywood Collector’s Showcase affair this weekend, at the Beverly Garland Hotel in North Hollywood, California. It promises to be quite a lively and sparkling affair and we’re hoping to see a Hainsie/Kimlet or two. The event is on Saturday and Sunday and begins, I believe, at ten o’clock. There will be lots of interesting celebrities there, including Mrs. Partridge herself, Miss Shirley Jones. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

It has finally warmed up here in Los Angeles, California, after several days of gray skies. It’s very pretty out, and the air smells clean and fresh, not necessarily in that order.

It occurs to me that I have almost nothing to write about today. I have been mostly staying in and writing and I don’t like to talk about that much, so what do I write about if I don’t want to write about writing? I did finish watching Mr. Roman Polanski’s film, Bitter Moon, which is very strange and not one of my favorite Polanski movies. It’s very well directed, however, and looks great (the cameraman was Leone’s Tonino Delli Colli), and the music by Vangelis is very nice, too (I normally don’t like Vangelis that much). Then I began watching The Unforgiven, which I’ve never seen and which I’ll finish tonight.

There, you see, I had something to write about after all. But now I’m back in the same boat – I hate being back in the same boat, I’d like to be in a different fershluganah boat. It occurs to me that I haven’t been on a fershluganah boat in years, and I do mean many years. I did attend a party on that John Wayne yacht – that was the last time I was on a boat. I can’t even remember what that party was for. I used to go on a boat regularly in the seventies, because I used to go to Catalina every year. I would rent a speedboat and buzz around and I always enjoyed that very much and I didn’t even get too nauseous. I did get nauseous the day I went out and caught sand dabs because the person I was with decided to clean the sand dabs right there and the smell and the whole cleaning thing was simply nauseating. Has anyone noticed that I am talking about a boat? Perhaps tomorrow I shall talk about a train. And the following day, a plane. Yes, dear readers, we’re talking about trains and boats and plains – oh, a Bacharach and David reference.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because time waits for no man and no man is an island and why does island have an “s” in it for no reason whatsoever?

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- Wednesday, June 25, 2003 @ 08:46 AM PST

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Well, dear readers, we had a small but fun Unseemly Live Chat last night - in fact, it was quite lively and sparkling and we were only sorry that more weren’t there. However, those that were there were cherce, so a good time was had by all. We spoke of poutine and thongs and Swing Time and many other topics and it was all too too.

This Friday we’ll be doing more vocals – Miss Katherine Helmond and Miss Michelle Nicastro will be joining me in the studio and I will, of course, have a full report for you.

This Friday we will also have our latest Unseemly Interview up, Miss Christianne Tisdale, a delightful singer and actress. Also, in the next day or so we start a brand new little section here at haineshisway.com, called Juliana’s Journal. Juliana A. Hansen is a young actress and singer who moved to New York last year. I’ve used her on several albums, and she’s been making the rounds and auditioning for shows left and right and also right and left. Well, she got one of them, the national tour of Thoroughly Modern Millie, and I’ve asked her to do a journal of her experience and I think you will be delighted by it. If you’re a young performer starting out or an old curmudgeon like me, the details of casting and rehearsals and backstage are really fun and I hope you will enjoy it. We’re trying to get it up and running either later today or tomorrow and I’ll let you know how to find it as soon as we do. My goodness, these notes are highly informative today, aren't they? They are just chockfull of highly informative things, aren't they?

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because this section is simply filled with too may highly informative things for my taste.

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- Tuesday, June 24, 2003 @ 08:54 AM PST

Monday, June 23, 2003

Well, dear readers, here it is, the morning after our big event. We had quite a celebration yesterday, those of us that were here, and we danced the Hora and the Swim all the livelong day and night. If you missed out on the festivities you can simply use the Unseemly Archives to catch up on the merriment and mirth and laughter and legs that we had over the weekend. Or not.

Last night I watched two count them two motion picture entertainments on DVD. The first was the divoon The Shanghai Gesture, a film of the supremely strange and wonderful Josef von Sternberg, starring Gene Tierney, Victor Mature, Walter Huston, Phyllis Brooks, Eric Blore, and the amazing Ona Munson as Mother Gin Sling. There is simply no way to describe this film or it’s hallucinogenic qualities – it is one-off, dripping with atmosphere, the score by Richard Hageman is terrific, and you will never see performances the likes of which are in this film. Victor Mature as Dr. Omar, Doctor of Nothing. Mike Mazurki as The Coolie (“You likee Chinee New Year?”), Gene Tierney as Poppy (one of the strangest leading-lady performances ever), Walter Huston as Sir Guy Chateris, the man with a past, Phyllis Brooks (another incredibly strange turn) and above-all Ona Munson (“I’ve just been informed I’m your… mother”). The photography by Paul Ivano is breathtaking in the close-ups and the whole thing is just mesmerizing to watch. The DVD, unfortunately, while not terrible, does look like it was taken from a less-than-pristine 16mm television print, and the sound is awful. It’s one of these Raymond Rohauer Presents things (this guy also seems to own almost the whole of Buster Keatons silent films), and apparently Mr. Rohauer couldn’t be bothered to give them good elements for the film. But, if you haven’t seen it, you should try to take a gander.

I then watched Swing Time, which I have on a DVD-R from my laserdisc. I try to watch this movie every few months because the musical numbers are absolute joy and absolute perfection and I never tire of seeing them. This is my favorite Astaire/Rogers film, and they are just the best in it, along with able cohorts Eric Blore (again), Helen Broderick and Victor Moore. The score is amazing – A Fine Romance, Pick Yourself Up, Never Gonna Dance, The Way You Look Tonight, well, it just doesn’t get better. Why these Astaire/Rogers films remain unavailable on DVD is a mystery, but someday hopefully pristine transfers will be gracing our merry shelves.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I have much to attend to. “Much” needs attending to these days, “much” has been acting up and going on tears, and I must knock “much” down a peg or two or, at the very least, a marge or two. What the hell am I talking about?

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- Monday, June 23, 2003 @ 07:26 AM PST

Sunday, June 22, 2003

Well, dear readers, I think we’d all better just put on our pointy party hats and our colored tights and pantaloons, I think we better break out the cheese slices and ham chunks, I think we’d better start dancing the Hora or, at the very least, Hully Gully, because we’ve got us some celebratin’ to do. Why do we have us some celebratin’ to do you might ask and I might tell you because how are we going to do some fershluganah celebratin’ if you don’t know what it is we’re celebratin’? What we are celebratin’, dear readers, is the fact that these notes today are our 600th notes. Yes, you heard it here dear readers, these are our 600th consecutive notes. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

What that means is that I, BK, have written these here notes for six hundred days in a row. The mind boggles, the mind reels. Or is it the mind reels and the mind boggles? Can the mind boggle and reel at the same time? Is that a reelboggle? Well, I can tell you that my mind is boggling and reeling at the same time. Six hundred days in a row. Can you believe it? I can barely believe it myself and yet it is true and it’s all there in the Unseemly Archives for any non-believers.

Six hundred count them six hundred notes. That is nothing to sneeze at. Isn’t that funny, the minute I wrote that I sneezed. So, it is something to sneeze at. I recommend everyone sneezes at it. Well, we’ve had good times and bum times, we’ve seen ‘em all and my dear, we’re still here. We’ve been through thick and through thin, all out or all in, and whether it’s win, place or show we’re together. Yes, us old friends, what’s to discuss, old friends, here’s to us, who’s like us - damn few – oh, a rather long and lugubrious Sondheim reference.

While I have enjoyed writing six hundred count them six hundred notes, what really has made this site worthwhile to me is you, dear readers. Simply put, this is, for the most part, the most civilized place on all the Internet, and unlike most other boards the posts here are filled with intelligence, wit and interesting viewpoints, whether we all agree with them or not. Sure, we’ve had our occasional differences, we’ve had our occasional hard-headedness, but it’s over in an instant and we move on with good cheer, and that is what separates the wheat from the chaff. Or is it the chaff from the wheat. What the hell is chaff anyway? I know what wheat is – for example, I’ve heard of wheat germ. And yet, I have never heard of chaff germ. Well, whatever chaff is, it is separated from the wheat or vice versa. Other sites that have posts have both wheat and chaff, unseparated, and therein lies the problem. Wheat and chaff must never be allowed in the same room. What the hell am I talking about?

Well, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below and continue the celebration in the next section, where we will tell the highly amusing story of The Randy Vicar and the Pruning Shear.

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- Sunday, June 22, 2003 @ 09:40 AM PST

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Well, dear readers, I must keep these here notes short and sweet which, I suppose, is better than keeping them long and sour. For you see, I slept late and now I must get ready for today’s book signing. The reason I slept late is that I had one of those nights. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I had one of those nights, one of those nights where my brain was abuzz with thoughts and ideas and I didn’t fall asleep until three in the morning. However, some good came from the brain being abuzz with thoughts and ideas and I think I solved two count them two things I was having problems with in the current Kritzer book. So, it was worth it, but now I must hurry because I slept late.

One thing I can say is that you will definitely not want to be errant and truant tomorrow – trust me on this. You will want to show up, at least if you are a true Hainsie/Kimlet. That is all I will will say and I will say no more.

Yesterday we recorded Miss Tami Tappan’s vocal for the new CD and she was, as always, great, in fact I would say her vocal is rather spectacular. The song was Who Killed Teddy Bear, from the totally strange film of the same name, starring Mr. Sal Mineo, Miss Juliet Prowse and Miss Elaine Stritch. If that’s not a cast I don’t know what. The song is by Mr. Bob Gaudio and Mr. Al Kasha. I believe Mr. Gaudio was responsible for several of Mr. Frankie Valli’s big hits, and Mr. Kasha is responsible for the divoon The Morning After from The Towering Inferno. This is a song you will be humming for days after you hear it – it is totally addictive.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can tell you a strange but true real-life “it’s happening now” story.

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- Saturday, June 21, 2003 @ 09:51 AM PST

Friday, June 20, 2003

Well, dear readers, last night I recorded the Sharon McNight track for the new CD and I must say I truly adore her voice. She sang the title song of the album, the classic Jeepers Creepers. Grant and I came up with a really nice take on the song, not the usual bright and perky was it’s done. Sharon, for some reason, knowing that the album was songs from horror films, thought we wanted to have a funny vocal and she was going to do Maria Ouspenskaya or Bela Lugosi doing Jeepers Creepers. I told her what I had in mind in terms of the arrangement, then I said one simple sentence to her, she got it immediately, and went in and knocked out a few superb takes, all right on the money, and we were done. Sharon is off to New York, New York come Saturday to do her show at the Lucille Lortel. I’m not sure of the dates, but do check her out if you have a chance. Today we record Miss Tami Tappan doing the great Who Killed Teddy Bear song.

I’ve finally locked in the selections I’ll be reading at Bookfellows tomorrow. That is always a surprisingly hard thing to do, but I think I chose fun stuff. I’ve probably chosen too much, but it’s easy to leave something out rather than the other way around.

The other day I mentioned a big event that was coming. Well, the big event is almost with us, and those who are normally errant and truant on the weekend won’t want to, especially on Sunday when the big event will be revealed in all its glory. That is all I shall say, oh, yes, that is all I shall say at this time. I shall say more at another time.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below and whilst doing so let us all do our Maria Ouspenskaya impressions.

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- Friday, June 20, 2003 @ 08:24 AM PST

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Well, dear readers, I have chosen the sections of Kritzerland that I will be reading come Saturday at Bookfellows in Glendale. I have also decided what kind of cake we will be serving. I do hope that some of you dear readers who have friends in the Los Angeles and environs area have told said friends to come on down. I have sent one mass e-mail and I shall send another reminder mass e-mail today just in case the people who got the last mass e-mail have forgotten they got the mass e-mail. In any case, I’m very much looking forward to it and I shall, of course, have a full report for you and perhaps even a photo or two.

As most of you who read the late posts know, I have made a decision about our uncouth interloper and I will reiterate it here for those who missed it. We will not feed the animals. If they wish to roam around the zoo, fine, but if they do their business we will not feed them. So, I ask all you dear readers to not respond to any post which seems designed to be inflammatory to either the site or me. It’s a long and complex story but this really has nothing to do with the site or me, but this person does not seem to be able to stay away or stop, and I’m tired of responding and playing their childish and silly games. If they post, just ignore it, and as soon as I see the post I will simply remove it because I don’t want their childish junk cluttering up our excellent posts. Hopefully they will move on someday and find another zoo in which to do their business. Well, someone told me it's all happening at the zoo and do you know what - I do believe it, I do believe it's true.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can do my business and answer all your excellent questions, by gum and by golly.

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- Thursday, June 19, 2003 @ 08:49 AM PST

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Well, dear readers, we have a rather big event coming up here soon. But I shan’t give away what that big event is because we like the Element of Surprise around these parts. I can only tell you that it is a big event so keep yourselves glued to these here notes to find out just what this fershluganah big event is. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Today I shall have to keep these here notes relatively short because I have to vamoose or, at the very least, vamelk. I would like to know who put the moose in vamoose. I would like to know who put the bomp in the bomp a bomp bomp. I would like to know who put the gun in begun and who put the gan in began. I would like to know so many things – for example, who put the itch in bitch? I would like to know who put the air in éclair and the arm in charm. What the hell am I talking about?

What do relatives have to do with relatively short notes? Because these here notes are relatively short should I call the the uncle notes or the cousin notes? My goodness, we are being fairly obtuse and oblique on this fine morning. That is because I must keep these notes relatively short and knowing that I must keep these notes relatively short I keep writing because I am contrary. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I am contrary and there’s not a damned thing I can do about it.

Well, why don’t we all not click on the Unseemly Button below? You see, now you can all be contrary just like me and we can all click on it contrarily right this very minute.

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- Wednesday, June 18, 2003 @ 08:39 AM PST

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Well, dear readers, you won’t believe it – I could barely believe it myself and yet it is true. I told you yesterday that the interview I did with our very own Mr. Craig Brockman over at www.broadwayworld.com had caused the owner of a popular chat board to post some really nasty comments – nasty in a very personal way. Now, those who read the comment thought it was a little over-the-top, a little too much, but the comment stayed, and our very own Craig Brockman went in and posted a very thoughtful response. Then someone came in and posted the exact same kind of nasty personal type of comment but this time directed at the owner of the board – there was nothing different in the tenor of his post (or even the alto and soprano of his post) it just basically gave the guy back a little of his own medicine. Well, guess what? The entire thread magically disappeared. Why? Well, I’ll tell you why, dear readers, because why should I not tell you why once I have asked why? It disappeared because these people can dish it out but they cannot take it. The comment that caused the removal of the thread was made by one of their regular posters – not someone I know. I’m sure their reasoning would be well it was getting personal and that’s against their terms of service. Hogwash. If that was the case, then they should have taken down the thread the minute the owner made his rather nasty and personal comments about the interview. And it is indicative of everything that goes on there. If people on that board, as they’ve been known to do, write bitchy scathing and hurtful comments about actors or shows or whatever, when they are criticized for it publicly they cry out like stuck pigs and say things like it was just my opinion and I have the right to make it, I have the right to trash a show mercilessly after seeing the first preview, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so you have the right. Then others have the right to come on and criticize you and, if they so choose, to call you a creep for doing it, because that is their opinion and they have the right to express it. The amusing thing about all this was that just a few days before the very same owner of that board was crowing about how they have no censorship. Oh? It’s okay to have censorship and to remove threads because they suddenly are negative about the owner and the site, but don’t crow about how there is no censorship when there most obviously is.

I myself have removed a post here once, which I felt was just nasty for nasty’s sake, and the fact is I was criticized for doing it and I responded that I wouldn’t allow nasty posts or hurtful posts that may have caused grief for a dear reader. In other words, I stated my point of view. Since that time, I have not removed any posts ever, because even when uncouth interlopers showed up and tried to cause problems, we all just dealt with it in our own way and eventually it all calmed down and was fine.

In any case, I was not upset by the removal of the thread, but I was amused by it because it is so typical. It seems one simply cannot take on the Internet and these types of people – they just can’t take the criticism but, as I said earlier, those who can dish it should be able to take it.

This Thursday and Friday I’ll be recording two more vocals for our new CD – the delicious Sharon McNight on Thursday and the delectable Tami Tappan on Friday. Then the following Wednesday we’ll record Jason Graae, Michelle Nicastro and Katherine Helmond and we’ll be done, done, done (that is three dones, which might be overdone). Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below before I remove the entire first part of these notes because I’ve decided I may not like the tenor, alto or soprano of them.

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- Tuesday, June 17, 2003 @ 08:59 AM PST

Monday, June 16, 2003

Well, dear readers, we had a most lively and sparkling chat last evening, filled with merriment and mirth and laughter and legs. We discussed everything under the sun and then when we tired of that we discussed everything under the moon. For example, we discussed the fact that Dear Reader Laura has never seen a Gregory Peck movie. That was a shocking revelation. We also discussed thongs and we sang all our favorite thong songs - With a Thong in My Heart, The Thong is You, The Desert Thong, A Simple Thong, and many others, and then we read from Thong of Thongs. It was lovely. By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) if you missed any of the weekend goings on here at haineshisway.com, do use the Unseemly Archive button and check out both notes and posts, not necessarily in that order.

As I mentioned yesterday, my first book signing for Kritzerland is this coming Saturday at Bookfellows in Glendale, just north of the historic Alex Theater at 238 N. Brand Blvd. The signing and reading is from 1-3 and I do hope some Hainsies/Kimlets will be there to partake of the various and sundried refreshments and festivities. Even if you can’t be there, tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the man in the street and the woman in the window that Bookfellows is the place to be on Saturday.

Yesterday, Mr. Craig Brockman’s interview with my very own self went up at www.broadwayworld.com, and by the end of last evening it had been read by over three-hundred-and-twenty-five people. My goodness, have you ever seen so many hyphens in one sentence? Craig posted about the interview on several sites, and on one popular board one of the owners came in and posted that he thought the interview was a “shill” and that I was self-serving and self-promoting and us Hollywood types were terrible and who cares and that the whole affair was simply awful. Now, since Mr. Craig Brockman came to me with the idea of doing the interview for broadwayworld.com I don’t see how it’s a shill. Since I merely answered the questions asked, I don’t see how that is self-serving and self-promoting, although interviews by their nature, are. Furthermore, why did this gentleman feel the necessity to go on at such length about it – it’s one thing not to like something, it’s another to go on ad nauseum in such a catty and silly way about it, but then again that is what that board is known for. What really irked him, I think, were my comments on the Internet. Yes, I think that’s what really bugged him. His final comment about the latter was that he found it odd that I would talk about the Internet thusly as it’s my only and final home. Oh? That is news to me, bucko. While I do have this lovely site and I wouldn’t trade all our dear readers for anything in the world, I don’t believe it’s my only and final home in terms of my work. No, I simply don’t believe that, given all that is currently going on. My point was and is that the Internet has been wonderful for some things and not so wonderful for others and I guess that is hard to swallow for some people – oh, a Styne and Sondheim reference. In any case, if you haven’t read it, judge for yourselves. Oh, yes, I do mention that I think everyone should buy my books and I also mention that nice people should visit our little website here, so I suppose that is self-promoting. Shame on me.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because all the best people do, you know.

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- Monday, June 16, 2003 @ 08:56 AM PST

Sunday, June 15, 2003

Well, dear readers, we will be having our very first Kritzerland signing come next Saturday at Bookfellows in Glendale, California. I will have complete details for you in the next few days, and I do hope some of our West Coast Hainsie/Kimlet dear readers and lurkers will come and help make the signing a successful one. I will be reading from the book, there will be refreshments galore (including cheese slices and ham chunks and cake) and the whole affair should be quite sparkling.

Last night I went to a friend’s screening room to see a movie and the evening turned out to be a tribute to the late Mr. Gregory Peck. We saw Spellbound and then Cape Fear was shown. In attendance was Mr. Melville Shavelson, the director of The Five Pennies which, of course, starred our very own Susan Gordon. Unfortunately I was not able to speak to him about said Susan Gordon because he arrived late and then left immediately after Spellbound. Spellbound was, as always, very entertaining – and I always enjoy the Salvador Dali-designed dream sequence. In addition to Mr. Peck and Miss Ingrid Bergman, the supporting players are excellent, especially Mr. Leo G. Carroll. I didn’t stick around for Cape Fear since I’d seen it not too long ago.

Don’t forget, tonight is our Unseemly Live Chat which will begin promptly at six o’clock Pacific Mean Daylight Savings Time. Do come by, for these chats are just too too, and there are always sparkling revelations that are only revealed in the chat room. Be there or be round.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because if we don’t this whole site could explode to smithereens or, at the very least, jonesareens.

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- Sunday, June 15, 2003 @ 09:24 AM PST

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Well, dear readers, I may have figured out the bird conundrum. I had to go out rather late last night, to pick something up, and I happened to look up at the moon, which was very bright but not quite full. Well, that might have been the problem – it was full and it was really bright earlier and that might have just confused the bird, who might have thought the moon was a spotlight and we all know that when you put a spotlight on a bird who sings show tunes that the bird who sings show tunes can’t just sit there like so much fish, its gotta sing, its gotta do its thing. In any case, last night there was lovely silence (save for the crickets) and I slept very well once again.

Today I must hurry because any minute now the cleaning lady will be here and she will cast her evil eye upon my countenance and my countenance does not like to have her evil eye cast upon it, therefore I must hurry and exeunt from the premises.

I took a day off from the Chet and Eileen Atkins diet and ate fast food yesterday – which was very enjoyable in its own fast way – and to top it off I had some fat-free but very good frozen yogurt. Yesterday, I also completed my interview with our very own Craig Brockman, which will appear on another site. As soon as it’s up we will link to it. In the interview I am extremely frank and also extremely arthur. It is that duality that makes the interview interesting, the frankness and arthurness of things. I have many things to say about many things and I hold nothing back, which wasn’t easy because nothing hates to be held back.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button because I don’t wish to have my countenance looked upon by the evil eye.

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- Saturday, June 14, 2003 @ 08:58 AM PST

Friday, June 13, 2003

Well, dear readers, you won’t believe it – I could barely believe it myself and yet it was true: The singing bird missed a show last night, and I actually got over eight hours of glorious sleep. I feel ever so much better this morning and I do hope that the bird’s internal clock is now working correctly and it will sing all the livelong day rather than the livelong night.

Has anyone noticed that it is Friday, the Thirteenth. Be very careful today, for things can be unpredictable on Friday the Thirteenth. And for heaven’s sake do not walk in front of any black cats or the black cat will have nothing but bad luck. And don’t hang around any people named Jason who happen to be wearing hockey masks.

Given the extreme length of yesterday’s notes, I shall keep today’s notes brief and succinct, not necessarily in that order. I can’t even report on a DVD because last night was one of those nights when I just couldn’t settle down and watch one – I’d started to watch Fritz Lang’s Cloak and Dagger, but I was distracted and I do not like to watch films when I am distracted. Besides, watching Once Upon a Time in America is like watching three movies and I needed a break. I love Once Upon a Time in America – I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea or even everyone’s cup of hot chocolate, but there are images in that film (courtesy of Mr. Sergio Leone and his cameraman, Mr. Tonino Delli Colli) that are as beautiful as any I’ve ever seen. It also features a great debut performance from the then thirteen-year-old Jennifer Connelly.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because today’s notes are going to be short, don’t you know.

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- Friday, June 13, 2003 @ 09:21 AM PST

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Well, dear readers, I finally managed to calm my stomach down (for those who don’t know what was going on, read the late posts for yesterday), and I fell into bed at two-thirty, the bird was thankfully on a break, and I fell right asleep and managed to get seven hours of rest, despite some rather disturbing dreams. I don’t really remember much of them other than one of them was just like an Italian giallo thriller movie, with a lot of straight razors slicing people up. I don’t feel so queasy this morning, and I know that all you dear readers will be happy as clams to know that I managed not to throw up. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Yesterday, I met Miss Katherine Helmond and I’m happy to report she is absolutely delightful and she’s going to be wonderful on our little CD. She had some concerns about one section of the song, but I gave her a little hint, and then she was fine and she can’t wait to get into the studio.

Today, I intend to stay around the house and rest, do some writing, but also try to do a little napping if possible (naps and I don’t mesh, but when I’m this overtired sometimes I just nod off).

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because you had quite a few excellent questions and I have answered each and every one of them, not necessarily in that order.

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- Thursday, June 12, 2003 @ 09:48 AM PST

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Well, dear readers, I am up very early again on account of the fershluganah singing bird. This bird’s internal clock is askew I tell you, simply askew. It arrives nightly at midnight, begins singing show tunes and doesn’t shut up until it is sure that I have gotten no sleep whatsoever. Once I resign myself and get up, it immediately takes a nap. And, of course, during the day it’s nowhere to be seen or heard (of course not, it has to sleep sometime). I don’t really know what to do, but I was so frustrated last night, that I actually went outside in my Nike shorts and located the tree the bird was in, and I shook the tree in anger, and tried to tell the bird that I needed to get some sleep. In return, the bird sang the entire score to The Pajama Game. I mean, what can you do but lie in your bed like so much fish?

I am now so overtired I can’t even see straight. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I only see crooked now. I know this will result in my getting sick – that is what happens when you lose this much sleep. I must find some of the sleep I’ve lost, and I must figure out how to ignore the fershluganah bird. Tonight, if, as usual, it appears at midnight, I will go outside and tell it the story of The Randy Vicar and the Sprinkler Valve. That will teach it a lesson.

I really don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, do you, dear readers? I can barely keep my eyes open – it is now five in the morning and I shall finish these here notes and then go try to get even two or three hours more sleep. Later today, I must go rehearse with Miss Katherine Helmond and I don’t want to look like a wizened old rabbi, which is what I currently look like.

I enjoyed our late night fashion posts, and if anyone missed them (you know who you are, you errant and truant people who are really going to be bitch-slapped from here to eternity for making our incredible Monday stats turn into our not-so-incredible Tuesday stats). We must all pull our weight, don’t you know. I just pulled my weight – it is very difficult to pull one’s own weight, don’t you know. Perhaps we should have daily late-night fashion posts, or even daily fashion posts that are updated as the day and evening goes along. Yes, I think that is a fine idea – for example, I am currently wearing very fashionable bags under my eyes, my Nike shorts, a “What is it, fish?” t-shirt and nothing else.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I really must try to get a few hours of blessed sleep.

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- Wednesday, June 11, 2003 @ 05:40 AM PST

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Well, dear readers, we had an especially sparkling and lively chat last night with an especially sparkling and lively roomful of Hainsies/Kimlets. The entire affair was filled with merriment and mirth and laughter and legs and not only did we discuss the Tonys until we were blue in the face we also discussed the Tonys until we were orange in the face. Not only did we do that, but we also had the story of The Randy Vicar and the Unshelled Peanut. Oh, that was a randy one. In any case, the fur was flying. Yes, Virginia, we had airborne pelts in our chat room last night.

Last night, after supping with my friend Penny Orloff, I came home and watched the first ninety minutes of the brand spanking new DVD of Once Upon a Time in America. I love this movie and it is great to have it on DVD. I do wish the transfer, which is pretty terrific, were just a little bit lighter and not so contrasty in the darkest scenes. But most of it, so far, looks swell, and the sound is crystal-clear. The film is two minutes longer than it ever has been in this country, and the handful of reviews by the usual Internet idiots who act as if they know this film well, totally get it wrong as to what those two minutes are comprised of. When the “long” version (the supposed director’s long version) premiered in the US, a year after the bastardized short version, it ran approximately 225 or 226 minutes. When it came out on laserdisc in this country it ran 227 minutes and contained a couple of extra shots of violence. What no version of the “long” version ever contained in this country was a key flashback scene that occurred during the penultimate scene between James Woods and Robert DeNiro. How, you are wondering, would I know this if it wasn’t there? Well, I’ll tell you how I knew this because why should I deprive you of such things? I knew this because I had the script of the film, and because I also had a tape of the film from Japan. The Japanese version of OUATIA was also a shortened version (mostly for sex and violence) and ran 204 minutes, but it contained the flashback, and the flashback gave the ending of the film a resonance that it simply did not have without it. Why this had gone missing from any long version ever shown here is a mystery no one seems to be able to answer. One of the idiot reviewers even suggested that the extra two minutes on this disc were minor extensions of scenes that had already existed in the long version, and, of course, they listed the flashback as one of them, as if they’d ever seen it before, which they had not. In any case, as you may have surmised, the flashback is finally back where it belongs, like Dolly Gallagher Levi. It comprises most if not all of the two minutes that have been added (I’m still looking for other additions but I haven’t seen any yet). It’s a two-disc set with the movie spread out on both discs, and the second disc has a few but not many extras. It contains a totally worthless and inept commentary track by Richard Shickel, who doesn’t even seem to know the film all that well, a portion of a documentary about Sergio Leone, the portion that pertains to this film, but why couldn’t they just give us the entire documentary? Some stills and a trailer round it out, but minor quibbles aside, this is one of the major releases of the year.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I really must buckle down Winsocki and work, work, work (that is three works which really gets one worked up).

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- Tuesday, June 10, 2003 @ 08:55 AM PST

Monday, June 9, 2003

Well, dear readers, one week ago I stood backstage at the Neil Simon Theater and met Marissa Jaret Winokur. We had a nice chat and then I looked her squarely in the eye and told her she would win the Tony Award. I said I felt it and that when I feel these things I’m never wrong. Well, I wasn’t wrong about any of the televised awards – I got 100% of them, including Miss Winokur. I think she wanted to believe me but I don’t know that she did. Now she knows to always listen to me. Now, the following are, of course, my opinions and you may agree or not because that is what makes horse racing. First off, I thought the show was long and lacked energy, but I thought it was better than the last couple of years. Least favorite and, in fact, worst moment, the final Def Jam Poetry (or whatever the hell it’s called) moment – totally unnecessary and quite stupid at that point in the show. I knew my pal Michele Pawk would win and I was thrilled for her. And also thrilled for my friend Jane Krakowski. I thought the Hairspray number was the only one that really came off well. I thought Stokes did okay by The Impossible Dream but it didn’t make me want to see the show. Funnily, I thought the little bit of choreography they showed from Urban Cowboy looked like fun. Not the show itself, just the dance steps. Jason Robert Brown was goony and amusing, sitting in the audience playing to the camera. Bernadette was trying so hard to stop the show with Rose’s Turn that I found it difficult to watch (I do know that some were blown away by her – but it just looked like grandstanding to me). And if there’s one aria (as Ethel Merman called it) that does not need the help of lighting designers, it’s Rose’s Turn, so the over-the-top lighting effects at the end of the number were nauseating – rather than trusting performer and material they button the number with that crap automated lighting that’s right out of a rock concert and which is designed to get the audience to applaud. This revival of Gypsy is not one I need to see and remember Gypsy is my favorite musical of all time. That said, I would like to see Tammy Blanchard’s performance. Other least favorite moments – the standing ovations for the Movin’ Out (whatever the joys of this show are they did not translate at all on television) and Rose’s Turn numbers (I guess some of the sheep also stood for The Impossible Dream). I thought Hugh Jackman was fine, and certainly not overused, but he was not a host host – not one who brought a bit of class and/or dignity to the affair, and not funny enough to be a Billy Crystal-type host. I did have to laugh at the ridiculous camerawork during the end of the Hairspray number – just as it is building to its climax and the button, the camera pulls back so far you can’t even see the stage anymore. Brilliant. And someone, someday, will explain to me what Brian Dennehy’s deal is. Award for most beautiful loser of the evening certainly went to Melissa Errico, who looked stunning. I did not see our very own Craig Brockman, but I’m sure at tomorrow night’s chat (and earlier posts) he will give us all the dirt that’s fit to hear. Worst plastic surgery award goes to, I’m afraid, Chita Rivera. Nobody loves Chita more than I do, but why did she do this to herself? She just doesn’t look like Chita anymore. Melanie Griffith was a close second in that department. I thought Mr. Banderas acquitted himself rather well, even though it was hard to understand the lyrics. I found it interesting that the band cut off some winners and not others. All in all, not the worst I’ve seen but nowhere near the best.

Earlier in the day, I’d been at a brunch, which was a nice affair. And then I saw Damn Yankees, the film, just prior to the awards. It’s not the greatest movie musical but it is fun.

I swear to you, dear readers, this bird situation is getting worse, not better. I believe they’re out there trying out for American Bird Idol – there are at least seven singing birds out there in the middle of the night, and I swear to you one of them said, “Sing out, Louise” last night.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can get to the end of these here notes and post them.

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- Monday, June 9, 2003 @ 02:08 AM PST

Sunday, June 8, 2003

Well, dear readers, sorry these here notes are going up late, but the fact is I slept like a log, and in one of those amusing life coincidences, a log slept just like me. How often does that happen – that one sleeps like a log and at the very same time a log sleeps like one? What the hell am I talking about?

In any case, I slept like a log and a log slept like me and here I am trying to write these here notes in a hurry. Before we go any further, and without further ado, we must all put on our pointy party hats and our colored tights and pantaloons. We must get out heaping platters of cheese slices and ham chunks (not necessarily in that order) and we must dance the Hora and also the Ocarina because we’ve got a birthday to celebrate, don’t you know. We’ve got to celebrate until the cows come home, don’t you know. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, we’ve got ourselves a birthday gal and that birthday gal is our very own Lulu. Yes, Virginia, hold your hats and halellulu, Lulu is havin’ a birthday and it’s time for all of us Hainsies/Kimlets to shout hip and hip and also hooray. On the count of three, let us wish our very own Lulu a Happy Birthday: One, two, three – Happy Birthday to our very own Lulu! Let us celebrate all the livelong day and night, let us drink ourselves silly with Diet Coke.

Today, I shall be going to a brunch at the film composer John Scott’s house. Also in attendance will be our very own Nick Redman and a few other brunchers. Then I will be going to a little Tony Awards party and I shall watch all three count them three hours (well, probably two hours plus commercials) of the Tony Awards. Remember, no posts (other than general ones) about any winners until after the ceremony is over on the West Coast. Then you can post to your heart’s delight, and of course we can discuss the show ad nauseum in tomorrow evening’s live chat.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can finish these here notes and so we can celebrate the birthday of our very own Lulu who, I hope, slept like a log.

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- Sunday, June 8, 2003 @ 09:48 AM PST

Saturday, June 7, 2003

Well, dear readers, I am now overtired again. Why am I overtired you might ask and I might tell you because why should I keep such things as why I am overtired from you? I am overtired not because I went to bed at 12:15 am Pacific Mean Daylight Savings time, oh, no, I am not overtired because of that. I am overtired because the singing bird was outside my window along with several of its friends. Now, normally the singing bird (and I presume its friends) is fast asleep at such an hour. But not last night – last night they were alive and awake and atwitterin’. They were singing up a storm, dear readers. I guess they just up and decided to do a midnight concert, they just up and decided to do a regular hootenanny outside my window and I guess they were having such a swell time that the show went on for over two hours. They sang such timeless classics as This Land is Your Land, Midnight at the Oasis, After Midnight (We’re Gonna Let it All Hang Out), and for an encore they sang the entire score to Fiddler on the Roof – in Hebrew. The squirrel who lives on the roof was tapping it’s foot along with the music and the whole affair, while I’m sure pleasant for the singing bird, its friends, and the squirrel, kept me up until the wee small hours of the morning which, incidentally, they did not sing. And that is the reason I am overtired.

Wasn’t that a fine story for a Saturday? Last night, prior to the hootenanny, I watched an advance copy of the brand spanking new DVD for Mr. Woody Allen’s What’s Up, Tiger Lily? That is the film wherein Mr. Allen took a real Japanese spy thriller and redubbed it with his own story and dialogue. The result is a somewhat hilarious exercise – with some huge laughs and some things that don’t work at all (actually, the many shots of the Lovin’ Spoonful singing in a club whilst sweaty people dance are probably not Mr. Allen’s invention, but are probably there because the then distributor, American International, wanted the film to have something for the teens. There is a strange thing that’s happened to this film in the last fifteen years – its soundtrack has changed (I don’t mean the music – I mean the dialogue). Every print that has been shown on cable or television during those years has had a strange dub – one that differs significantly from the original theatrical release of the film. No one seems to know why this dub exists – it’s very peculiar – most of the changes are totally unfunny and contain totally different voices (several of Woody’s voiced characters have different voices). A PAL DVD which was released earlier this year contained the weird alternate dub, in addition to a non-enhanced for widescreen TVs letterboxed transfer of a print which had no color whatsoever – it was totally brown. When I found out Image Entertainment was doing the DVD, I called my friend who works there and asked her if she knew about this weird alternate dub and if that’s what they were using. She said someone had heard something about it, but they had no clue as to how to tell the difference as to which track they were provided. I pointed her to a website which had a list of most of the changes – she went, and then she listened and she told me they did indeed have the alternate track. I told her they had to have the original track or people would be furious and really diss the disc. They ended up calling the people whom they licensed it from, and they were told that this track was the only track they had. They were getting ready to give the disc a street date and I told them that they shouldn’t – that they should find the original track, no matter what it took to do so. I then remembered that there had been a laserdisc of the film that had (at least as far as my memory was concerned) the original track (the laser came out in the mid-eighties), and they tracked one down and were able to clean up the sound and use it. I then suggested they put both versions on the disc, which they did. And then they did the smartest thing – as a special feature, someone exhaustively went through and noted each and every change, and you can now view both versions, scene by scene, before and after, without having to watch the film in its entirety. And the rest of the happy ending to this story is that the transfer is superb – enhanced for widescreen TVs and with perfect color.

Wasn’t that a lovely long story for a Saturday? Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because I must get myself to the post office to do some shipping, don’t you know?

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- Saturday, June 7, 2003 @ 08:58 AM PST

Friday, June 6, 2003

Well, dear readers, we had a lovely impromptu chat last night. We discussed many topics and it was wild and wooly and also wooly and wild. Today, I shall have to keep these here notes short because I must be on my way to put together all the vocals we did whilst in New York, New York.

I’ve decided I’m still jet lagged, so I must try and get some more sleep – perhaps this evening I shall go to bed early and perhaps tomorrow morning I shall wake up late and perhaps that will help me get over the jet lag I am currently feeling. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Today we’re pleased to present our latest Unseemly Interview with Mr. Kevin Chamberlin, he of Seussical, Triumph of Love and Dirty Blonde. It’s a load of fun and very frank and even occasionally very sammy – at one point it’s even very dean and liza. So, check it out – it will be up at some point today.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I must be on my way to put together vocals because today feels like a put together vocal day.

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- Friday, June 6, 2003 @ 08:34 AM PST

Thursday, June 5, 2003

Well, dear readers, I have finally caught up on my sleep and am feeling a bit better. First of all, just what was “up” doing on my sleep, that’s what I’d like to know? I’ve been a bit under the weather since coming home (due solely to not getting enough sleep), but now I’m feeling my oats again or, at the very least, feeling my bran.

Last night I watched a motion picture entitled The Guru. I gather this was in the theaters for about ten seconds and then disappeared. You wouldn’t know that by reading the imdb and amazon reader reviews, which make this film sound like an all-time classic. It is not an all-time classic, although it certainly means well. The script borrows liberally from any number of other movies (including mine own), but it does come to life whenever they do one of the loopy Bollywood musical numbers. The film is about an Indian (as in India) who wants to come to the USA to be a star. Adventures ensue. The cast is game, but the script is lame. It’s very colorful, and New York looks lovely. If the whole movie had the fun of those Bollywood excerpts then it would have been faboo.

I then watched the first forty minutes of the brand spanking new DVD of Thoroughly Modern Millie. It does have its fun aspects, but it never quite achieves the charm it wants to achieve. I thought that when I saw it on opening day, and I think it now, even though it’s very enjoyable. The fact that this has become something of a classic is very interesting. Still, Julie is terrific, Mary Tyler Moore less so, James Fox is so goofy you want to shoot him, and John Gavin is, well, John Gavin. The film really belongs to Bea Lillie, who is brilliant as Mrs. Meers. Still to come is Miss Carol Channing. The transfer, however, is everything you could hope for – it looks as good as the day it was made and is, in fact, breathtakingly clear at times, so much so that you can see the freckles underneath Miss Andrews’ makeup. Also newly released, Fritz Lang’s marvelous thriller, Cloak and Dagger, which I haven’t looked at yet, and a new transfer of Midnight Run, which I like. Next week is the biggie for me – Once Upon a Time in America.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because don’t I have excellent questions to answer? Don’t I have impromptu chats to discuss? I do, and I shall, not necessarily in that order.

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- Thursday, June 5, 2003 @ 09:06 AM PST

Wednesday, June 4, 2003

Well, dear readers, I am writing these here notes “on location” from the airplane, heading home to Los Angeles, California, from whence I came. I have dined on something called a cheese omelet (well, it was yellow and had something approximating cheese in it), and I have done a bit of writing as well. However, next to me is one of those nightmare passengers – an obnoxious butt cheek who thinks he owns the entire row of seats (well, there are only two seats – I upgraded to first class using mileage). He was asleep before the plane took off, with his carry-on bag on the floor between his seat and mine. The steward tried to rouse him, first to put his seatback up and second to put his bag under the seat (it never did go all the way under the seat). It was like trying to raise the dead. They poked him, then they prodded him, finally they hit him and he woke up, moved his seatback up, then, the second time, put his bag in front of the seat in front of him but not under it. Then, within four seconds, he was snoring up a storm. He has earphones on, connected to a CD player, and from what I can glean he is listening to some kind of Yogi/yoga thing. Well, not listening, because he is sleeping and snoring so what the point of the fershluganah earphones and CD player Yogi/yoga thing is is beyond me. By mid-flight, this buffoon was lying across the center divider with his big ugly had practically in my lap, snoring, but more like grunting – he sounded like some buffalo in heat. I called the steward over and asked nicely if he could do anything to get this marabou out of my face. He smiled at me (the steward) and shoved this guy really hard and told him to move and sit like a normal person. The guy moved but I don’t think he understood that he was being a cretin. I would have told him but he has his earphones on and only hears the Yogi/yoga thing. Within four seconds he was blissfully snoring/grunting again, like a hyena in winter.

Then there is the elderly Jewish couple sitting in the row ahead on the other side. She was on her cell phone (there is something so wrong about an elderly Jewish woman using a cell phone) a good ten minutes after they’d asked everyone to shut off their electronic devices, talking to her friend Rose. I know she was talking to her friend Rose because she was talking very loudly to her friend Rose. I would venture to say that the entire first class cabin and coach knew she was talking to her friend Rose, that’s how loud she was talking. We heard all about the party she’d gone to (her litany of Jewish names of people in attendance was actually hilarious), then she talked about shabbas and upcoming meals and events, and all with that slightly superior attitude that some Jews have (some Catholics, Protestants, Mormons and Buddhists also have it, and I don’t like it one bit).

At this time we’re probably still an hour away from Los Angeles, but soon I will be on my way to my home environment and I will spend the rest of the day relaxing on my couch like so much fish.

So, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, and by the time we get to the next section it will be tomorrow (or today).

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- Wednesday, June 4, 2003 @ 09:11 AM PST

Tuesday, June 3, 2003

Well, dear readers, our second session went as smoothly as our first – in fact, I’d venture to say that I’ve never had a smoother vocal date than this one. We had several Hainsies/Kimlets visiting the studios, and lots of photos were taken. Everyone did a beautiful job today, including Miss Alison Fraser’s rather zany version of The Blob, Brent Barrett’s lovely Stella by Starlight, the ensemble (which included dear readers Jason, Phil and Jose) on Judy Kaye’s Song of the New Wine, and Theresa Finamore and Juliana A. Hansen’s amazing Mothra’s Song. Lynnette Perry, who I haven’t worked with for over five years, came in and told me she was having allergy problems and her voice wasn’t what she hoped it would be – she then proceeded to do a just-about-perfect first take of her song, Goody Goody. We fixed a few things, but she sounded as good as she ever has. And young Remy Zaken was fantastic on I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy/Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. If there’s any justice, this little powerhouse has a bright future – I would certainly use her on any album anytime anywhere.

We then retired to Joe Allen where I took my one night off from Atkins and finally had the bacon cheeseburger and fries I’ve been craving the whole trip. I must arise at five o’clock, so I’m writing these here notes at night and will post them prior to leaving. The whole time at Joe Allen there was a young girl sitting at a table who looked just like Remy Zaken, and that became the running gag of the evening – I kept asking if it was Remy Zaken, but since the young girl kept drinking from her mother’s martini glass, I figured it wasn’t her after all.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because I must hit the road to Dreamland for my early arisal.

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- Tuesday, June 3, 2003 @ 02:07 AM PST

Monday, June 2, 2003

Well, dear readers, our first session went very well – it was a smooth and lovely session from start to finish. First, Christiane Noll came in and did Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte and did a fine job, as always. Then Judy Kaye arrived and we did Song of the New Wine, and she was a hoot from start to finish. We did a few takes and they’re really fun – tomorrow we put the ensemble on it. I hadn’t seen Judy in quite some time and we had a great, great time. After Judy, we were actually ahead of schedule, and Rebecca Luker came in and nailed her song in about fifteen minutes. She was in gorgeous voice and the song, The Faithful Heart, was really beautiful (it’s a Cahn and Van Heusen song). By then, we were about forty-five minutes ahead of schedule, so Guy Haines came in and recorded his song, Look to a Star, today instead of tomorrow. Finally, our very own Susan Gordon came in and did You’re a Dolly from Attack of the Puppet People (a movie she appeared in as a wee bairn). She was very nervous, having never done a recording session before, but within ten minutes she was fine and did very well indeed. It will be a very cute track.

Later, we had the Hainsies/Kimlets gathering at Joe Allen and, other than the fact we were in the front room (where the bar is), which I abhor, it was a splendidly splendid affair. The guest list included such dear readers as William E. Lurie (and partner), Susan Gordon, Jason, Phil, Michael Shayne, Kitlo, Craig Brockman, along with Richard Valley and Tom Amorosi of Scarlet Street, my assistant Jonathan, and our very own Juliana A. Hansen. We supped on excellent food (I had a steak and a Caesar Salad) and several people partook of excellent desserts. It was quite a lot of fun and we took lots of photos which we will put up right here on this here website if we can just get Mr. Mark Bakalor off his butt cheeks.

The rain seems to have abated. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, the rain seems to have abated and now we have abated rain. Soon I must get ready to attend our second session – today we have the likes of Brent Barrett, Lynnette Perry, Remy Zaken, Theresa Finamore and Juliana A. Hansen, and Alison Fraser. So, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I must ready myself with rare balms and gileads.

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- Monday, June 2, 2003 @ 06:31 AM PST

Sunday, June 1, 2003

Well, dear readers, here I am, firmly ensconced in the Big Apple or, at the very least, the medium kiwi. I had a lovely flight in, checked into my lovely hotel, and then went off to see Hairspray, thanks to Mr. Craig Brockman securing me Miss Kerry Butler’s house seat. I met Mr. Craig Brockman in front of the theater, and then, once inside, I met Mr. Michael Shayne, who was also seeing the show. The show was delightful, very high energy, and perfectly cast. The first act did go on a bit long, and a couple of the numbers seemed to blend into each other, but it’s such an obvious audience pleaser it doesn’t matter. The sets and costumes were/are fun, Jack O’Brien keeps the whole thing moving right along, and some of Jerry Mitchell’s choreography is really terrific. But it’s the performances that really sell the show and every single person is excellent – from Marissa Jaret Wonokur and Harvey Fierstein, to our very own Kerry Butler to my old college chum Linda Hart. Since I was in the third row, when Linda saw me during the curtain call, she pointed at me and waved. Afterwards, we said hi to Kerry and the others and then went off to Joe Allen, where Michael and Craig and I met up with my assistant Jonathan, his chum Kristopher, Kristopher’s singing partner, and our very own Juliana A. Hansen. We had lots of fun, and sitting nearby was Charles Kimbrough and Beth Howland and I had a lovely conversation with them, too. Sitting in the very back of the restaurant, holding court, was Miss Chita Rivera, her daughter Lisa Mordente, and others I didn’t recognize.

I must hurry now because shortly I leave for our first session of recording – today we’re doing Miss Judy Kaye, Miss Rebecca Luker, Miss Christiane Noll, Miss Sussan Gordon, and horror television host and legend, Zacharley. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

It’s still gray and rainy (it rained quite a bit last night) but I rather like that look here in New York, New York. Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I must jump in the shower or, at the very least I must do a time step in the shower.

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- Sunday, June 1, 2003 @ 06:28 AM PST