Yesterday I lunched with my old pal Wendy Stuart (now Davis), who I hadn’t seen in close to thirty-seven years. First of all, I do not like being able to say I haven’t seen anyone in thirty-seven years, that is just too many years to be able to say you haven’t seen someone. I don’t mind saying “ten years” but thirty-seven years makes one sound so ancient, doesn’t it? Am I getting old? Not me, not me. We had a marvelous time and yes, we remembered it well. She’s had some tough years but she’s in wonderful shape, looks great and has a great attitude about herself and life. She’s been happily married for over twenty years and has a beautiful daughter. I found out some amazing things – like the fact that she never had a date in either junior high or high school. That is amazing because Wendy Stuart was and is gorgeous. My guess is that people were either too scared to ask her out (that would have been my excuse, certainly) or they simply assumed that someone that gorgeous must have had a boyfriend. I gave her a copy of my book because she grew up mere blocks from where it takes place and she’ll remember every single reference in it.

I promised you a Meltz and Ernest song, and by gum and by golly I have unearthed a doozy. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I have unearthed a doozy (no mean feat). It was one of their first songs, and I believe it was the first time that a song of theirs was recorded – by Hymie Goldberg, an obscure but popular entertainer whose only recording this was. I’m told that there is an old “soundie” of Hymie singing this song, which I’m desperately looking for. In any case, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below, so we can all check it out.

- Wednesday, July 31, 2002 @ 08:58 AM PST

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

So, the party continues here at haineshisway.com. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, there’s always a party going on here at haineshisway.com. So, don’t be a stick in the mud – join us. Put on your pointy party hats and colored tights and pantaloons, grab a cheese slice and ham chunk and perhaps even a shrimp bit on toast, and dance, dance, dance (that is three dances) the Hora, or maybe even the Louie Louie. Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, shout it to highest hill, “At last our site’s no secret anymore!” Posts lift us up where we belong. Up where the talkin' is, up where the people are, up where the joke's goin' on.

I must tell you of a slight change this week to The Way Things Are Done Here at haineshisway.com. Yes, Virginia, this week we will be having a slight change and I hope everyone will be okay with it. It’s necessitated by necessity and is necessary. So, you can blame it on my youth, blame it on Rio, blame it on the summer night, put the blame on Mame or Dolly, blame Paris, but don’t blame me. As you know, tomorrow is Ask BK Day, the day in which you ask your excellent questions. And that will not be changing – tomorrow is still Ask BK Day and you will still be asking your excellent questions. Normally, I begin answering them the night before, otherwise I’d never be able to get them up at a decent hour on Thursday. However, as things have worked out this week, I will not be home Wednesday night, and I have to leave very early on Thursday. So, what this means is that I have decided to post the answers to your excellent questions on Saturday. I do hope that that is okay with everyone, and besides, I may have more interesting answers on Saturday – one never knows.

You trivia contest guessers really came out of the woodwork over the weekend – we had a record number of correct guesses, so there are many many many (that is three manys) High Winners and you should all be very very very (that is three verys) proud of your collective selves. So, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below to find out the correct answer and to see our list of unseemly winners.

- Tuesday, July 30, 2002 @ 08:49 AM PST

Monday, July 29, 2002

I have unearthed a couple of really obscure Meltz and Ernest songs (like all their songs aren’t obscure – where is the justice, I ask you) which I’ll be printing a little later this week. I feel we have gone far too long without a Meltz and Ernest song, don’t you, dear readers? Since we do have a couple of new dear readers, if you’ve somehow missed the delightful ditties of Meltz and Ernest, just use our handy-dandy search box and off you will be whisked to see samples of their marvelous work.

Wasn’t yesterday lazy? Normally, I always have stuff to write about from the previous day – but I was so lazy I simply didn’t do anything worth telling you about. Here’s how lazy I was: I sat on my couch like so much fish and started to watch five different DVDs, yet couldn’t get the energy to finish any of them. I watched approximately ten minutes of each. They all looked like fine motion pictures and I will be finishing each and every one of them, believe you me. I then got in the car to drive somewhere and I ended up driving around the block and coming home, that’s how lazy I was yesterday. Then I decided to jog. I jogged about four blocks and stopped, as I was simply too lazy continue. I walked the rest of the way. I did do a bit of writing yesterday, so at least I had the energy for that.

The point is that on Monday there is sometimes very little to write about. It’s the beginning of the week, you see, and things have yet to happen. Well, I shall vamp, you see. I shall vamp in a bouncy “C”, a sprightly 2/4 show vamp. I shall never actually get to the tune, you see, I shall merely vamp until ready, and I won’t be ready until tomorrow’s notes. In other words, this vamp will keep repeating until I have something to say.

In the meantime, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below just for a sprightly change of pace?

- Monday, July 29, 2002 @ 08:08 AM PST

Sunday, July 28, 2002

First they showed a Mr. Magoo cartoon, which was truly funny (one forgets how much fun it was to have a cartoon before a feature). Then they brought their guests on stage for a little chat – they included a few dancers from the film, including Bobby Banas, Pete Menefee, a lady whose name I couldn’t understand (maybe Alina or something), and the fellow whose mother had taken home movies during the shoot. It was great fun to hear them all reminisce. You would recognize Mr. Banas immediately because he was in the film of West Side Story – he also worked with Jerome Robbins for many years. It was great to see Pete Menefee up there – when I did a play at the Mark Taper Forum back in 1973, Pete did the costumes (by then he’d given up dancing and become a leading costume designer). He was amazed, even back then, that I recognized him immediately from Mary Poppins. I knew he’d been in Bye Bye Birdie, but for all these years and as many times as I’ve seen the film, I did not know that he was Harvey Johnson in The Telephone Hour. How could I not have known that? He’s in later scenes, too, not as Harvey Johnson. They showed the home movies, which were remarkable. Then they introduced the one and only Onna White, who was in the audience, looking pretty damned good. Onna White was the choreographer of the film of Birdie and, of course, she choreographed the original Broadway The Music Man (film, too) as well as the film of Oliver! (for which she won an Oscar).
Finally, they showed the film. It was an excellent new print and was it great to see it on the big Alex screen. What was not great was the sound, which was simply inexcusable and hideous. Tinny, distorted, low, compressed and ugly as all get out. If they’re going to have a film society and have these screenings, they really need to address this problem right now, and I’m going to write them a letter about it. These screenings are not free (8.50 to the general public, a bit less to members), the house was sold out, and they need to spend a bit of money to upgrade and have decent sound. Or, the Alex should, but I will not go back there if that’s what the sound is going to be like. The film of Birdie is odd – they changed it quite a bit from the show, but I’ve always been fond of it. Watching it on DVD a few months ago, I was amazed at how forced and slow the last twenty minutes was. However, I was instantly reminded why it’s more fun to see movies in the theater, because suddenly those forced and slow minutes were really funny – everyone was laughing and applauding and it all came back to me that when I first saw it (at the Paramount Theater in Hollywood – now the El Capitan) that that section of the film got huge laughs. Even the dated humor got laughs.

It’s also bittersweet for me to watch the film because I knew quite a few of the kids who were in the chorus of Honestly Sincere. They’d scoured all the high schools back then, and several from mine were in it, including Debbie Stern and Sherry Gold from my drama class, and a girl named Steffi, with whom I had just been in acting school. Where is she, I wonder. I don’t remember her last name at all, and of course as was the practice back then, they didn’t credit any of the kids. But you can’t miss her because she’s in a green dress with the reddest hair you’ve ever seen. And somewhere in the large group of kids in the film is Stephanie Gorman, who I’ve written about before.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Anyway, it was a lot of fun and Nick and I both ran into people we knew. Well, shall we all say Bye Bye to this section and click on the Unseemly Button below?

- Sunday, July 28, 2002 @ 10:40 AM PST

Saturday, July 27, 2002

Last night I went to see my friend Grant Geissman’s daughter in Annie (in a version called Annie Jr. or Annie Lite) at her school. It was charming, but very truncated. Most of the songs were there, but the juniorized it even more by removing most of the book scenes and adding narration to tell the story. That actually worked just fine. They had to make one other series of changes because, being part of a summer program, only one boy auditioned. He played the role of Drake, the servent, so I think you know what they had to do. Yes, Virginia, the other male roles were played by females. They changed Daddy Oliver Warbucks to Olivia Warbucks, and that is who Grant’s daughter, Greer played. She was very good – and this was the first real role that she’s ever played (she was in the chorus of Bye Bye Birdie). There was one little pipsqueak girl in the chorus who was so cute and so charming and so precocious that I will say she could have done any production of Annie anywhere, including Broadway. She sang, she danced and she was hilarious. Anyway, we all had a marvelous time.

Speaking of Bye Bye Birdie, tonight I’m going to the Alex Theater with my friend Nick Redman. They are showing the film on their big Alex screen – but the best part is that there was a young boy who was in the film (in Birdie’s big first number) and his mother apparently took home movies on the set and they’re going to show those for the very first time. They shot those big numbers on the Universal lot (it was a Columbia film) and she has footage of a visit from Gregory Peck and Alfred Hitchcock, as well as Ann-Margret’s 21st birthday party. This series of films is to honor gypsies in film, and I’m told that quite a few gypsies from film show up – I’ll have a full report for you tomorrow.

Well, it’s cleaning lady day, so I must hurry, hurry, hurry (that is three hurrys) and get out before she starts giving me the evil eye, so let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can be like Kermit and movin’ right along.

- Saturday, July 27, 2002 @ 10:01 AM PST

Friday, July 26, 2002

We shall party all the livelong day and night, so bring your friends, bring your neighbors, tell the man on the street or the girl in the garage, and tell the whole damn world if they don’t happen to like it, deal us out, thank you kindly, pass us by. Well, today is short and sweet day, the day when these here notes are short and sweet because yesterday’s were long and long. We had one very late question which I’ll be happy to answer right here and now and also right now and here. Kerry asked who Annette O’Toole is currently married to. She recently married Lenny himself, Michael McKean.

Today is certainly a red letter day, isn’t it? And that red letter is “G”. Today is a day for a band to play, in my honest and/or humble opinion (IMHA/OHO in Internet lingo). In fact, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, whilst shouting “ta rah rah boom deyay”? On the count of three, ear readers: “Ta rah rah boom deyay”!

- Friday, July 26, 2002 @ 09:59 AM PST

Thursday, July 25, 2002

Wasn’t that a fine food lesson story? I’m nauseous again, just relating it to you. Did you, in fact, notice that I related it to you? That story is now your Uncle.

Well, I’ve got lots and lots of questions to answer, so we’d all better click on that Unseemly Button below because if we don’t then all these here notes will be in one section and that would be like scrambled eggs without the milk – nauseating, and we mustn’t have nauseating scrambled notes, now must we?

- Thursday, July 25, 2002 @ 10:01 AM PST

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

What am I, 60 Minutes all of a sudden? Wasn’t that the longest paragraph yet? I do believe that is a new record, although I could be wrong. One of our posters asked if fifty-seven posts yesterday was a new record – no, I remember one fine day we had over ninety posts, although I could be wrong – certainly we’ve had over eighty. I do think it’s time to break 100 posts, don’t you, dear readers? Of course, then there will be broken posts all over the place, and a hundred of them at that, and wouldn’t that just be a bit unseemly, broken post-wise?

Last night I attended a little show called Babes on Broadway. Before I tell you about it perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button below. This will cost a one-time fee of $269, which will be deducted from your bank account. If you approve, click now.

- Wednesday, July 24, 2002 @ 09:43 AM PST

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

The reason I wrote that sentence is because I received this morning about the twentieth e-mail with a virus attached. Of course, I did not open said e-mail, I merely deleted it. It was from an e-mail address I recognized and it was written in such a way that if you weren’t wary of these things you might just have opened it. So, my question is this: What is it with people? What kind of kick do they get out of this? What kind of people get a thrill from giving others grief? What kind of people live to give others grief? And what kind of world do we live in where they can get away with it? I, myself, have gotten several e-mails recently, kicked back to haineshisway.com which appear to have come from here, all of which contain virus attachments – if you show the details of the e-mails that were kicked back, it is very clear that none of them emanated from here. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, someone is using our address for their nefarious e-mails with viral attachments. Not just our address, but many addresses, which they seek out and hack all over the Internet. It used to be that someone would get an e-mail with virus, they’d accidentally open the attachment, the virus would then send out e-mails to everyone in their address book, and on and on and on. Now, they don’t even bother with that. They just steal someone’s address and send out e-mails to other stolen addresses (I gather they troll newsgroups). I knew immediately that none of those viral e-mails had come from here because we have no address book for a virus to attach itself to. And these e-mails were all sent to total strangers anyway. But just think if they’d been sent to a dear reader who, had accidentally opened it because it came from a trusted website? That would be heinous (heinous, do you hear me?). So, what is it with people? Why do this? They don’t make money from doing this. They merely create problems for people who probably don’t need the problems. So, with all this technology we have, why can’t they be caught and strung up by their thumbs? Well, I’ll tell you something – we are going to do our bit to punish them! Those people will not be allowed to wear their pointy party hats, nor their colored tights and pantaloons. They will be denied any and all cheese slices and ham chunks and they most certainly will not be dancing the Hora or even the Monkey. They can just go stand in the haineshisway.com corner and flog themselves like fershluganah Judge Turpin, is what they can do. In any case, viruses are out there – do not open any e-mail with an attachment unless you get a confirmation from the person who sent it that it’s okay to open it.

I think this is something for Mike Wallace, Dan Rather and Harry Reasoner to sink their collective teeth into, don’t you, dear readers? I, for one, am truly tired of people who only live to cause others grief and I say we rout them out and give them a flash, bang, wallop right on their useless noggins, not to mention their piggins and their firkins. What the hell am I talking about?

I want you all to know a shocking thing. And just what is this shocking thing I want you all to know? Well, I’ll tell you what this shocking thing is that I want you all to know because why should I keep such things from you. The shocking thing I want you all to know is that I have run out of Diet Coke. I am currently sitting at my handy-dandy laptop computer, drinking a fershluganah diet Cream Soda. Now, I like cream soda as much as the next noggin or piggin or firkin, but it does not give me the flash, bang, wallop of a Diet Coke. What it has given me, in fact, is a headache.

Well, perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button whilst asking the question of the day: What is it with people?

- Tuesday, July 23, 2002 @ 08:44 AM PST

Monday, July 22, 2002

I then watched two episodes of an HBO show called Curb Your Enthusiasm. It’s occasionally very funny – it stars Seinfeld co-creator Larry David, who plays a character named Larry David. It’s really just a collection of little scenes – there’s always some vague theme for each show, but things are rarely resolved by the end of an episode – things just happen and then there’s another episode. I then watched the rest of City of Lost Children, un film de Jeunet and Caro. It’s a quite weird affair, but I ultimately liked it very much. I am quite partial to films about and with children, especially when the children are as good as they are in this film. The lead girl, Judith Vittet, is wonderful, and so are all the other kids. Ron Perlman does a very good job as One (yes, Virginia, he plays a character named One), and the rest of the characters are portrayed by some of the strangest looking people you will ever see on the screen (the way they’re photographed makes them even stranger) – especially the two twin sisters who play the evil Siamese twins (they are the stuff of nightmares – be warned). The score, which I mentioned yesterday, is by David Lynch regular, Angelo Badalamente, and it is great.

The response to our brand spanking new handy-dandy The Unseemly Interview Section has been wonderful. We’ve got some great ones planned for upcoming weeks – we’re just trying to figure out how long to leave each one up for. You can look forward to interviews with some pretty great and some pretty eclectic folks from all walks of show business life. Not just performers, but writers, directors, arrangers and orchestrators, too.

Well, shall we all click on the Unseemly Button below? When in doubt, this is always the best thing to do. I know this section may seem undone and I know that we should think about sending it back, but all I’ll do is slap a piece of cheese on it with some undercooked bacon and then where will we be? Then it will be The Big Wave that’s where we’ll be. The Big Wave. That sounds like a Raymond Chandler novel, doesn’t it?

- Monday, July 22, 2002 @ 09:24 AM PST

Sunday, July 21, 2002

Last night I watched half of a motion picture entitled City of Lost Children, from the director of Amelie, Jeunet (this film is co-directed with Marc Caro). I’m enjoying it thus far – it is very strange but somehow mesmerizing. Messrs. Jeunet and Caro do seem to have taken a Terry Gilliam pill every four hours – it is suffused with Gilliamesque imagery. It is no wonder that he is a huge fan of this film (and their first film, Delicatessan). It’s very well cast, and the music of Angelo Badalamente is wonderful. I’ll finish watching it this very evening.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Don’t I have more babbling to do?

By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) it may or may not interest you to know that I have never taken a Valium or any other pill of its type. I have never taken a Percodin or a Zanex. I wanted to take Lithium once, just because I like the name, but I didn’t. I have, on occasion, taken an aspirin or a Tylenol or an Actifed.

Quick, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below and I’ll tell you why in a minute.

- Sunday, July 21, 2002 @ 11:53 AM PST

Saturday, July 20, 2002

We got another very nice review (excellent for the film itself and the extras – average for the transfer – can’t win ‘em all) at www.boxoffice.com. Check it out. We’ve been faring very well, review-wise, but I will go on record right here and now and also now and here that dear reader td’s review at www.dvdlaunch.com is definitive – not just because it’s a good review, but because he really understands the film and he writes very well and incisively about both film and transfer. Can’t ask for more than that. Also, if you haven’t read our interview yet, do so, it’s fun. And speaking of interviews, do check out our very own The Unseemly Interview Section, which is now up and running – with our interview of Miss Kerry Butler. The unveiling of our new section, by the way (BTW, in Internet lingo), set a new record here at haineshisway.com – we had more visitors here yesterday than on any other single day in our history. Do you know what that means? Well, I’ll tell you what that means because you have a right and a left to know. What that means is that soon we will be the most popular site on all the Internet, we will be hip, we will be in with the in crowd, we will be happening, we will be with it, we will be cooliscious, this will be the place to be and be seen. They will write about us in Time and Newsweek (not necessarily in that order), they will speak of us on E! Entertainment, John Tesh will write a theme for us, and soon no one will be able to touch us with a ten-foot-pole or a five-foot-czech, popularity-wise. Why soon we’ll have people visiting this site who don’t even like this site. Oh, wait, I forgot, we already have a few of those. Isn’t that exciting, isn’t that just too too?

It is lovely to know that people have grown to love this here site. Why, just the other day, one of our dear readers, who was only 5’5” tall suddenly found he was 5’9”, so he really grew to love this site. We don’t allow groaning here at haineshisway.com. In any case, tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the man in the street, or the woman in the yard, shout it to the world at large that everyone simply must come and join our merry troupe.

Well, perhaps it’s time for all of us to click our collective heels together and say, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like…” – oh, wrong clicking. No, we must all click our Unseemly Buttons whilst saying, “There’s no place like the next unseemly section, there’s no place like the next unseemly section, there’s no place like the next unseemly section…”

- Saturday, July 20, 2002 @ 09:26 AM PST

Friday, July 19, 2002

Well, as you know, Friday’s notes are short and sweet and we need short and sweet after the long and sour day we had yesterday. Oh, yes, we had a long and sour day yesterday. It started off well enough, with breakfast with our very own Jason Graae. We went to a nice restaurant near his nice home and we had nice eggs – he, an omelet, I eggs over medium and bacon. It was directly after said breakfast that the long and sour part began. I do not wish to rehash it all but let’s just say I wouldn’t wish a day like that on anyone. Well, that’s not true, but I wouldn’t wish a day like that on anyone I liked. I didn’t end up getting home until five o’clock in the afternoon, and by then the day was waning. Oh, yes, the day was waning and so was I. I was a waning person. No one could have waned more than I. I was the waningest. I waned and waned and then I waned some more, until I was waned out, like a baseball game attended by Elmer Fudd. Silly wabbit.

Last night I finished watching My Favorite Year. I’ve never loved it as much as most people have, but it has its funny bits, and I must say that the reason it continues to work is almost solely because of Peter O’Toole’s extraordinary performance, which brings such humanity and warmth and humor to the piece, that you can’t help but forgive the silly bits or when it gets to shticky. He’s a brilliant actor and it’s a great comic performance. However, his most effective moment in the film is his quietest – sitting in the car watching his daughter come out of the house, unable to go to her or talk to her. His face says so much in that one minute – it’s a lesson in great acting, and just goes to show you you don’t need dialogue all the time. Richard Benjamin provides a commentary track, which I listened to, and which has some interesting things in it (and a few too many lapses).

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Well, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below before I begin to wane.

- Friday, July 19, 2002 @ 07:52 AM PST

Thursday, July 18, 2002

Well, we’re off to a fine start this fine Thursday which, by the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) is the day I answer your excellent questions. Therefore, I like to keep this section of the notes short and sweet rather than long and sour. Soon I must be off to have breakfast with our very own Mr. Jason Graae.

I did hear from one of the people I wrote from classmates.com, one out of the four. At least she had the good taste to respond unlike the other three great flying oafs. I’ll tell you a bit more about that in tomorrow’s notes. Last night I had dinner at the Geissman’s. Their lovely daughter is doing a summer production of Annie at her school. It’s a scaled down version which is licensed to schools, called Annie, Jr. And would you like to know who she’s playing? Well, I’ll tell you who she’s playing because it will shock you, dear readers, as surely as it shocked me. She is playing Olivia Warbucks. Yes, Virginia, you read that right – not enough boys tried out for the play so they had to change Daddy Warbucks to Mommy Warbucks. I feel this will be a very interesting production to see and I will be there with bells on. I asked her if Mommy Warbucks was bald like Daddy Warbucks and got a resounding no. We had steak and for dessert, a lovely lemon cake.

Well, perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button below, because the next section is quite quite long. I will tell you here and now and also now and here that if there are spelling or grammatical errors it is because I was up until the wee small hours of the morning and by the end of it I was bleary-eyed and vaguely discontend. Oh, yes, I was bleary-eyed and vaguely discontented.

- Thursday, July 18, 2002 @ 08:37 AM PST

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

How many of you dear readers have discovered classmates.com? Raise your hands. Whoever thought of classmates.com was very clever and will probably make a ton of money. It’s a stunningly simple idea – people can come to the website for free, they can fill out all their school information for free, so that their name appears with all the other classmates from their various and sundried schools. And then people who haven’t seen each other for years can e-mail each other. And there’s the clever part – you can’t actually e-mail the person unless you become a Gold Member, which does cost money, but not all that much. However, just think of how brilliant this really is – everyone has gone to school – all those years, all those cities and states around the country, millions of classes over the years. Can you imagine if only ten percent of the people who registered at classmates.com paid to be a Gold Member? If you haven’t seen the site, it’s worth a visit, although like most of these kinds of sites, there are pop-up windows which I hate with a passion. In fact, I hate them with Stephen Sondheim’s Passion. I’m still in touch with a tiny handful of people I went to school with, but in browsing I did see a handful of names that intrigued me, so I joined and dropped the handful of names an e-mail. Thus far, I have had no responses. Damn them, damn them all to hell. I’ll keep you posted, of course, and perhaps we’ll do a joint interview with all my school chums in our new handy-dandy Unseemly Interview Section which, by the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) premieres just two days from now with a wonderful interview with Hairspray’s very own Kerry Butler.

Have I mentioned that I got ten hours of glorious sleep? Perhaps to celebrate I’ll go have a Bob’s Big Boy. Now, wait just a darned minute. There’s that Bob again. Always butting in. Everywhere I go, there’s a bob. Well, I’ve got the perfect antidote to Bob – let’s just spell his name backwards, that will show the great flying oaf. Bob – there what do you think of that, Bob? Oh. Bob spelled backwards is Bob. You see, you see? I can see now that there is a plan afoot here to Bobize the world. Not only is there a plan afoot, there’s a plan ahand as well.

Well, perhaps we all better click on that Unseemly Button below, yesiree Bob. Yesiree Bob? I can’t believe it. Enough with the Bob already.

- Wednesday, July 17, 2002 @ 10:04 AM PST

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

My goodness, these notes are whizzing by, aren’t they? I have never seen these here notes have such pace, such piquancy, such verve, such whiz. I’m breathless reading them.

What a shame it is that I must deal with something that came up – today’s notes were going to be the most brilliant, laceratingly sharp, incisive notes ever. Today’s notes were going to lay bare the universal truths which need laying bare. Those universal truths have been clothed for far too long, haven’t they? And today, in these here notes, I, BK, was going to lay them bare, whether they liked it or not. But fate is not allowing it. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, fate is not allowing the laying bare of universal truths. Today, fate is only allowing short.

Here is one itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini universal truth that I can lay bare (well, lay bare except for the fershluganah bikini): We must all click on the Unseemly Button below in order for me to complete these here notes and go deal with something that came up.

- Tuesday, July 16, 2002 @ 07:36 AM PST

Monday, July 15, 2002

Speaking of a black hole – that reminds me of a wonderful story concerning the aging film scholar and Hollywood Reporter, Arthur Knight. Arthur, whatever his values were as scholar and critic, was, at the end, a bit senile and his reviews were always something to look forward to. For example, when he reviewed The First Nudie Musical (which he saw in a screening room at nine in the morning with one other critic – brilliant) he told me I should simply get out of the business. In any case, when Disney’s The Black Hole came out, this was the first sentence of his review: “The Black Hole – a title that manages to be both sexist and racist”. Now, I don’t know about you, dear readers, but when I read that the first thing I did was the Danny Thomas Spit Take. Anyone who hadn’t thought Mr. Arthur Knight had gone off the deep end, only had to read that sentence to know the story. Mr. Knight’s tenure at the Hollywood Reporter didn’t last much longer than that review.

Last night I watched a film entitled Amelie. It was, I felt, a perfectly charming film and its leading lady was rightfully lauded for her elfin performance. The whimsy got a bit thick every now and then, but its heart was in the right place and it was a very sweet and funny movie, if not a wee bit long at just over two hours (whimsy is very hard to sustain for just over two hours). It’s well directed in that nouveau sort of way and the DVD is stunning-looking, a brilliant transfer. I haven’t listened to or viewed any of the extras, which are contained on a second disc.

Yesterday afternoon I attended a comedy benefit for a charity called WYNGS (When You Need Group Support) at the Improv. I generally don’t love stand-up comedy and seeing one performer after another for over two hours gets trying. Still, there were some very funny folks, including a female comic I hadn’t heard of, called Sarah Silverman, who I felt did the best ten minutes of the day. I do know she created some controversy on the Conan O’Brien show for her use of an ethnic stereotypical word to describe a Chinese person, and apparently she was not so funny on his show – but here her routine landed, even though it’s a very very very (that is three verys) strange routine.

Well, has anyone gotten the feeling that these here notes are just a little too off the cuff for their own good? Perhaps if we all click on the Unseemly Button below, whilst singing The Name Game, perhaps then these notes will not be quite so off the cuff.

- Monday, July 15, 2002 @ 09:06 AM PST

Sunday, July 14, 2002

And so, I’m having donut withdrawal. Hello, my name is BK and I am a donutaholic. I am a donut junkie. I’ve been on the donut wagon for two weeks, but I feel I’m about to slip. I feel I’m about to succumb to a donut fix. I need it, man, I’ve got to have it. What the hell am I talking about?

Some very exciting things coming up here in Los Angeles, California – I’ll save the details for later, but we’ve just booked two count them two book signings, one in August in Glendale, and one in September at Dutton’s in Brentwood. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? I do hope if you’re in the area that you’ll stop by one of those events. I’ll be reading from the book, and there will of course be the official refreshments of haineshisway.com. I’m also doing a signing in Las Vegas in early September, and we’re trying to book one in New York, to do along with the Footlight Records DVD signing. I’ll have definite dates and locations for you, so stay tuned.

Well, we had a big event go by, but because Mr. Craig Brockman was errant and truant, most of us weren’t even aware of it. In fact, it would have totally slipped by unnoticed if it weren’t for our very own Freedunit. We had our 250th notes anniversary. What I would like to know is this: Does that mean I have written 250 of these here notes? Because if that is true, shouldn’t I be carted off to some asylum for the insane, like Johanna? 250 of these here notes. Well, here’s to 250 more. Let us all put on our pointy party hats and do the dance of the seven veils. Of course, does anyone still wear a hat?

Have I mentioned it’s five o’clock in the morning? What an unseemly hour to be up. Perhaps on finishing these here notes I’ll try to go back to sleep, try to stay on the donut wagon a little while longer. In the meantime, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, which will momentarily take my mind off this fershluganah donut on my back.

- Sunday, July 14, 2002 @ 05:27 AM PST

Saturday, July 13, 2002

Yesterday I picked up a whole batch of new DVDs (to be released on Tuesday) but since these are short notes, I’ll only mention a few of the choice titles: Ossessione, Top Secret (the Zucker and Abrahams boys 2nd film – totally weird and oddly likable), Amelie (looking forward to that one), Red Beard from Mr. Kurosawa, and a few others, including one of my favorite guilty pleasures, which has never been available commercially on video before – Mr. Joseph Losey’s Modesty Blaise, starring Monica Vitti, Dirk Bogarde, Clive Revill and Terence Stamp. You will never see a stranger movie.

My goodness, aren’t I being brief and succinct. This is sort of like the Jack Webb/Dragnet version of these here notes. Just the facts, ma’am, nothing but the facts. There is a certain terseness, but a certain terseness is not always such a bad thing, is it? In any case, we must keep the forward momentum going, so I’ve taken enough time with this meaningless paragraph.

In fact, I do have some useful information to impart, including our Unseemly Trivia Contest question – so, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below. Just the button, ma’am, nothing but the button.

- Saturday, July 13, 2002 @ 09:09 AM PST

Friday, July 12, 2002

Last night I went to an actual motion picture theater, the Cinerama Dome, to see an actual motion picture entitled Minority Report. It is the only film currently playing that I had any desire to see. I’d seen on the Internet that the usual suspects, the idiots on Usenet newsgroups, were doing their usual thing – bashing Spielberg and his film, because they are a) idiots, and think what they’re doing is cute or b) they’ve seen other idiots bashing and have joined the fray. My take on this is simple: If Mr. Spielberg’s new film was the first Indiana Jones film, and/or ET and it came out now instead of when it did, they would do the same thing – bash it. Because now these idiot kids have an outlet that idiot kids didn’t have before. For example, when I was an idiot kid (and let’s face the fact, we were all idiot kids at one time or another) I’m sure I was as insufferable as today’s idiot kids, but I didn’t have this outlet – a good thing, in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo).

The fact is that Minority Report isn’t a masterpiece, but it’s so much better than anything else that I’ve seen that it’s not even a contest. Mr. Spielberg is a good director – he has always been a good director and he always will be. That doesn’t mean he hasn’t made some bad films – all good directors have made inexplicably awful movies. It happens. Movies today are, for the most part, simply terrible. They all follow Screenwriting 101 or ape the latest hit which, of course, was aping something from twenty years ago. And the studios pandering to their target audience is worse than ever and its why movies are so terrible.

Prior to the movie, there were three trailers – one for a new Robin Williams movie called One Hour Photo. That is, perhaps, the worst movie title in history. The movie looks silly and standard. I can’t remember the second trailer, but I’m sure it was a thriller of some sort. The third was mind-boggling in its awfulness – something starring someone named Vin Diesel. I don’t know what a Vin Diesel is but I will not be seeing the film, which looks horrid. They actually brag about the fact that it’s from the makers of The Fast and the Furious. Oh, boy, that will get me in the theater. All three trailers were narrated in that same nauseating way that all trailers today are narrated, and by that same nauseating voice – it sounds like the guy is trying to pass a very large stone.

Anyway, I enjoyed Minority Report – it’s not brilliant, but it’s always interesting and moves right along, despite its length. There are some wonderful scenes in it (some very Kubrickian moments - the eye replacement scene is very A Clockwork Orangesque) and some of the futuristic touches are great and funny. I’m not certain that a mere forty years from now all the freeways will have been redesigned in the way this movie imagines, but who would have thought in 1918 that Southern California would be the city it was a mere forty years later – in other words, anything’s possible. The only thing that really annoyed me throughout the film, was that Mr. Spielberg allowed too many actors to chew gum. That is just a cheap actor trick and I hate it. One actor chewing gum I can live with, but there were three or four in this film and it was too much gum chewing. I hate the sound of gum chewing and I especially hate it in Dolby Digital or DTS sound. There was nothing especially interesting about the “twists” in the film – they were quite obvious – but Mr. Spielberg’s direction is, as always, very professional and good. I’m not sure I like this cameraman he’s been working with – I do get a bit tired of all the smoke and the slip-framing. The performances are, for the most part, fine and there is one great performance from the extraordinary Miss Samantha Morton. I’ve only seen this woman in two films, this and Mr. Woody Allen’s Sweet and Lowdown, but she’s a wonderful actress. The most shocking thing in all of Minority Report is Jessica Harper. What on earth has happened to this woman? She looks so haggard and so much older than she really is (I should think she might even be younger than me), I just don’t get it really. In fact, I did not know it was Jessica Harper until the end credits. I recognized the face, barely, but could not place the name. Anyway, I recommend the movie, period, the end.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? These are short notes? Well, tomorrow I’ll write short notes – that will be it – Friday’s notes will be medium-length notes and Saturday’s will be short notes. Did anyone notice that yesterday the joint was jumpin' here at haineshisway.com? Over fifty posts and very lively. I would say more, but I do believe it is now time to click on the Unseemly Button below.

- Friday, July 12, 2002 @ 10:00 AM PST

Thursday, July 11, 2002

I had a very nice day yesterday, a marked improvement from the day before. I ate quite a large dinner at a Mexican restaurant called Casa Vega. By the end of the meal I wanted to vomit on the table – I literally could not move. I was stuffed to the gills is what I was. It was ever so disgusting to be me after that fine meal.

Then I watched the first half of a film entitled Innerspace, with Dennis Quaid, Martin Short and Meg Ryan. I do like lots of this film, but like most of Joe Dante’s films it just gets too silly for its own good. I’ll watch the rest of it later tonight. I’m also going to see Minority Report tonight, and I shall have a full Minority report for you tomorrow.

Has anyone noticed that today’s notes are just a bunch of pleasantries and that they are filled with what I affectionately like to call the ephemera of our lives? I just blather on and on about inconsequential things because that is what I do. I am just killing time until the answers to your questions appear. Yes, Virginia, I am perpetrating a homicide on time, I am killing fershluganah time, because I do not have a single thought inside my head at the moment. I did have some thoughts in my head but they deserted me like rats on a sinking ship. Therefore I am murdering time with pleasantries and the ephemera of our daily lives.

Oh, perhaps we should just move on to the answers to your excellent questions before I put myself to sleep. Let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below and see what the next section has to offer. Perhaps it will offer your username and password – although I will never ask you for either item.

- Thursday, July 11, 2002 @ 12:05 AM PST

Wednesday, July 10, 2002

So, yesterday morning I had several minor annoyances to deal with, which I did. That was all well and good and also good and well. Then I actually had some nice news which was, of course, nice. Then, whilst answering e-mails on AOL, AOL did one of its usual daily loops or freezes or whatever the hell you call them. Although my cursor was mobile (I love when my cursor is mobile) and I could get to places on the Internet, I could not do any AOL function, such as look at my e-mails, switch between accounts or even, get this, log off. I tried everything and nothing worked, so I finally did what you’re only supposed to do as a last resort – I used the power button to power down (I’ve since been shown a different way). When I tried to reboot, I got an error message, one I’ve gotten several times before in the last few weeks and one which I’ve been dealing with Dell about. I wrote down what this one said (the problem this error message lists is always different) and then restarted the computer as usual – but this time it put me into an endless loop between two error messages and I could not get into Windows. I called one of our dear readers who helps me with such things, our very own Miss Susan Gordon. She, in turn, got Dell on the phone. We told the technician what the error message said and he said we were going to have to load Windows anew from the CD Rom backup. I told him that was fine and dandy as long as I didn’t lose any of my Word documents. He said he couldn’t guarantee that. I went ballistic and here is why: Because one particular Word document that I’ve been slaving over for many weeks hadn’t been saved to floppy in two days. I’d finally had a breakthrough on said document, and I’d rewritten large chunks of it and I felt it was getting to be just what I wanted it to be – and now this fellow was telling me that I might lose it. I began to sound like a castrato, dear readers. He put me on hold to check a few things, and I lost my sanity as Miss Susan Gordon will attest to. When our handy-dandy technician came back on the line the first thing he told us was that, even though he had us on hold, he’d heard me ranting and raving. That was actually probably a good thing – he told us he’d talked to another techie and that the first thing we were going to try would not lose anything from my folder, not lose any Word documents. And he hoped that would work – and by that time, Miss Susan Gordon had used her noggin and figured out a way we could save the contents of my folder without getting into Windows – so, I felt a bit better.

I inserted the CD Rom backup of Windows and we began a check disc thing – where it goes through everything in your computer, and if there is something missing that should be there or if there is something corrupt somewhere it replaces and/or fixes it. The very helpful tech, whose shift was ending, stayed with us the entire time, even though they are not supposed to, all forty minutes that it took to do the check disc thing. At the end of it, the screen told us it had found and fixed one problem. We restarted the computer, I got the same error screen, but this time he had me restart once again, in “safe mode”. That worked, I got into Windows and I saved everything, and I mean everything, to a zip disc. I then restarted the computer once again, in normal mode, and everything worked fine and has, knock wood, been fine since. It was very traumatic and scary and I will now back up any important scribblings at the end of each day, or possibly more frequently than that. Better safe than sorry.

Wasn’t that an exciting story of corruption and redemption? Wasn’t that just too too? I then started to watch the brand spanking new DVD of a seventies film entitled Harry and Walter Go to New York, starring James Caan, Elliot Gould, Michael Caine, Diane Keaton and Charles Durning and a host of great character actors. I’d missed this one (one of the few in the seventies) because it had gotten such awful reviews. However, what I find these days is that even the worst of the seventies films is usually better than the overblown tripe I see today. Unfortunately, Harry and Walter is the exception – it really is as bad as the reviews said it was. It’s supposed to be a comedy, but it is totally unfunny, at least for its first hour (I’ll be watching the rest tonight). Oh, it wants to be funny, it thinks that its funny, but it is merely labored and not funny. One of the first problems is that the director is Mark Rydell. Now, Mark Rydell isn’t a bad director, he is certainly competent and has made some perfectly decent films. However, he’s about as funny as a colonoscopy. The two stars push hard but they simply don’t have the material. Diane Keaton is her usual seventies charming self and Durning is always great, no matter what. I have never seen him give a less than excellent performance. The music, by Mr. David Shire, is perky and fun, and there is a ragtime number called Nobody’s Perfect, done at the beginning of the film, that makes you very curious to know what Maltby and Shire’s five Ragtime audition songs were like. In the scene that the song appears in (Harry and Walter performing their “act”), the piano player is none other than Mr. David Shire himself.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? This section is starting to be as long as the collected works of Tolstoy, is it not? This is way too long for a section, but when you are writing about corruption, it takes time. Let us all click on the Unseemly Button below, and remember I will never ask for your username or password unless it can get me a free cheese slice or ham chunk.

- Wednesday, July 10, 2002 @ 09:20 AM PST

Tuesday, July 9, 2002

My goodness we had quite a few High Winners in our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest this week. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? We’ll get to that in a moment. We must build suspense first, like Mr. Alfred Hitchcock. Besides who can think with the fershluganah gardner out there mowing so loudly they can probably hear it in Azusa. He should just bring the mower inside the house, that’s how loud it is. It is, without question, the loudest mower on earth. There, finally, he has moved to a different area and I can think again.

Have I mentioned that today is Tuesday? What you do with that information is, of course, entirely up to each and every one of you and also every and each one of you. Last night I watched a DVD of a little Brit thriller called And Soon the Darkness, starring Pamela Franklin. I like Pamela Franklin and will watch her in anything. It’s a standard-issue seventies Brit thriller, not very good really, but not terrible either. There is a commentary track which I listened to a bit of, with director Robert Fuest and writer Brian Clemens, both of whom had originally worked on The Avengers. At one point, they both speak their admiration for Mr. Alfred Hitchcock, and then one of them brags that this film was praised for its Hitchcockianness. Well, aside from the fact that it’s a suspense thriller, there is not one or even two whits of Hitchcockianness. If they think there is, then they don’t know what Hitchcock suspense is about. It’s about letting the audience in on things rather than withholding. And Soon the Darkness is all about withholding things and people behaving in silly ways because the script needs them to. Still, I liked Miss Pamela Franklin (I’ll watch her in anything, you know) and the music by Laurie Johnson is quite Herrmann-like.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? I also heard a demo recording by Bock and Harnick of Fiddler on the Roof. It is very interesting because half the songs on the demo ended up not being used in the show and it is instantly apparent why. The bulk of the discarded songs are just plain awful. Mr. Sheldon Harnick once told me that he’d been very disappointed with the Lost in Boston version of Dear Sweet Sewing Machine (sung on the album by Emily Loesser) because I’d had a female do it instead of a male. Well, you know what – after hearing the demo, I’m glad I did. First of all, it’s a duet on the demo, so having a female is not so far afield. Second, on the demo the song is peppy, for heaven’s sake. We did it slow and it’s quite touching and pretty that way. I’m happy to say that I’m not the only one who slowed down one of their peppy Fiddler songs. Anatevka, if you can believe it, is a zingly little ditty on the demo, and nothing like the plaintive beautiful and haunting song that ended up in the show. I’m sure it was slowed down at the insistence of Mr. Jerome Robbins, who had excellent theatrical sense. Also, nowhere on this demo are some of the musical’s best numbers – including Tradition, Matchmaker, Matchmaker and Now I Have Everything. There is one song that didn’t make the show that I really liked, called If I Were a Woman, but it is so not Fiddler on the Roof – it could be from any sixties Broadway show about anything – but it’s very catchy and excellent Bock and Harnick. It’s fascinating listening, I must say.

By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) in case I haven’t mentioned it, it’s Tuesday. It is also time to click on the Unseemly Button below, and remember I will never ask for your username of password.

- Tuesday, July 9, 2002 @ 09:25 AM PST

Monday, July 8, 2002

Last night I watched a fine French film entitled Bob Le Flambeur (Bob the Gambler). It’s an odd film and it kind of led the way for the French New Wave. It’s directed by Jean Pierre Melville who has a fine standing with auterists everywhere. Anyway, it’s quite enjoyable – I like mostly any film about gambling and people named Bob – sort of a non-heist heist film. The actors are all excellent as is the score by Eddie Barclay and the wonderful camerawork of one of my all-time faves, Henri Decae. The DVD is from Criterion and I recommend it to those who like French auteurs, interesting mise en scene, characters named Bob, gambling, subtitles and the like.

I also finished watching Robin and Marian and I must say, while it’s not perfect, I really do like it a lot. I remember seeing it back in 1976 – Miss Audrey Hepburn hadn’t made a film in nine years. I sat there and thought, wow she looks pretty good for someone that old. My, that was a rather ignorant thing to think, wasn’t it, since she was all of forty-eight. Since I am now all of fifty-four, forty-eight seems nice and young. There is wonderful dialogue throughout the film, and Sean Connery, Nicol Williamson and Robert Shaw are just grand. And Miss Audrey Hepburn is beyond grand – she is in a whole different world; beautiful, graceful, funny, touching and unique.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo), apparently Donald has an excellent new radio show up today – a tribute to Dolores Gray, so be sure to tune in. We are, I’m afraid, going to have to bitch-slap Donald because he never posts what these shows are. Yes, Virginia, Mr. Donald Feltham has been errant and truant (not necessarily in that order) and that is simply not acceptable. That is simply not done (TISND, in Internet lingo).

Oh, let us stop all this idle chit-chat and also chat-chit, and click on the Unseemly Button below. In case you were wondering, I will never ask for your username and password. Click way, my pretties.

- Monday, July 8, 2002 @ 09:13 AM PST

Sunday, July 7, 2002

Yesterday I went to my favorite Los Angeles haunt, Musso and Frank. I hadn’t been there for lunch in twenty years. It’s not so crowded for lunch on a Saturday, so we got right in. I had my beloved Shrimp and Crab Louis with lots of Louis dressing. Louis is always dressing at Musso and Frank which, I suppose, is better than Louis undressing at Musso and Frank. Then we all split some bread pudding (no mean feat), which is superb at Musso and Frank. It was all too too and if you’ve never been there, you must must go go. Then we went across the street to a Magic Shop. I was with David Wechter and his two sons, and Cissy Wechter. She was buying the boys presents and they wanted to go to said Magic Shop. I have always loved magic, and one of the employees there put on quite a show for us. He did some really astounding card tricks and we were all suitably amazed and astonished, and we “oohed” and “aahed” appreciatively. I myself purchased some X-Ray Specks, which I mentioned in Benjamin Kritzer. I also purchased a couple of other little gadgets that I had as a young sprig of a twig of a tad of a youth. Then we went to Larry Edmund’s Cinema Bookshop, where I bought a Cinema Book – a brand spanking new and huge coffee table book on cult filmmaker Mario Bava, of whom I’m very fond. Then we walked to that gigantic new complex at the corner of Highland and Hollywood. I’d not been there before and it’s all very large and ostentatious and I must say I somehow expected more. I was underwhelmed, but maybe I need to spend some more time there. Then we went home. I then picked up four count them four brand spanking new and not yet released DVDs, and watched two of them in total and two of them in part.

Before we get to that, if you’re playing the trivia contest this week, do go back and look at yesterday’s notes as I’ve made a clarification, because, it was pointed out to me, there was something in there that was misleading and I would never want to mislead or misdirect as if I were a magician. For now, let us all click on the Unseemly Button below and remember I will never ask you for your username and password.

- Sunday, July 7, 2002 @ 09:43 AM PST

Saturday, July 6, 2002

What am I, Neil Simon all of a sudden? Don’t we have an Unseemly Trivia Contest today? And speaking of unseemly, just where in tarnation was everybody yesterday? Eating fried food? Oh, we ended up with twenty or so posts, but twenty or so posts looks so puny these days. However will July beat June if we allow such things to happen? Where was I? Oh, yes, I totally forgot – the guests and the fried food. For the film we chose Some Like it Hot, because the two youngsters in attendance had never seen it. What a funny film, and its construction is truly wonderful. I’d always remembered it as being a series of truly hilarious little scenes, but watching it last night I realized it’s made up of three or four very long set-pieces. It’s also one of the most perfectly cast movies ever made. Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon are amazing together – both as men and as women. Marilyn Monroe is so luminous in this film she practically hurts your eyes, so brightly she shines. Joe E. Brown is hilarious (zowie), and George Raft’s line readings are unique and wonderful. Can you imagine this film being made today? Who would star? Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, with, well, with who? And it would be so crass and obvious and they’d throw in toilet jokes and rock songs and blechhh.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? I think it’s time we all click on the Unseemly Button below, and remember I will never ask for your password or username.

- Saturday, July 6, 2002 @ 09:42 AM PST

Friday, July 5, 2002

I then checked my e-mails as I do every now and then, and there was an e-mail from AOL saying there was a problem with my account – my on-file credit card had been declined or had expired and I was to click on the link and fill out all new information or my account would be cancelled by end of business day. I thought that a bit strange, but still I clicked on the link and was taken to an AOL billing page. I know, you are all sitting there shaking your heads thinking, surely our very own BK could not be stupid enough to fill in his credit information and provide his name, address, credit cards, etc. Well, I began to fill in the forms – I filled in all the information about the on-file credit card – but then I looked at the credit card and of course it hadn’t expired at all. I then stopped in my tracks (no mean feat) and thought to myself, wait just a darned minute here – there is no way a $20 charge from AOL would have been declined. I then looked at the rest of the page I was on and noticed that they wanted to know the credit limit for each card (it said you had to give them new card info to replace the declined card) and also asked for the 800 number on the back of the card. I immediately erased everything I’d written and closed out the window. I went back, got the address off the e-mail that had been written and did an AOL Profile search and got one – from some idiot talking about how he would be a cool person to date. I immediately changed all passwords on all AOL accounts. Funnily, just before I’d done that I’d tried to get help from the 24-hour online AOL help center and was getting that “website not responding” message. As soon as I changed my password I was able to get into the help center. Odd? They told me to forward both the IM (with link) and the e-mail to TOSReports@aol.com, which I did (and also to abuse@aol.com). What is intriguing to me is that I have not received an acknowledgment from either (very unusual) and when I click on the status of those two e-mails it says “can’t check on status of internet mail” – except that they went to AOL, not the internet. Is there some way these malcontents could have diverted the mail I sent? Are there any other precautions I should take (other than having changed my password)? I did write back to the e-mail address and vented quite nastily, but that missive has gone unread, which means the address is most likely bogus or just a way station.

The ridiculous part of all this is how stupid I was. I mean, there for all to see, is the constant AOL warning, “AOL will never ask you for a password or billing information”. I see that every single day. Whoever this low-life was, he’s done a great job of making everything look real. I want to nail this cretin, but I’m sure he’s quite the professional and has covered his tracks well. So, you may now all line up for the well-deserved bitch-slapping of me. Thank goodness I didn’t send that credit info – I was so close.

Well, let’s all click on that Unseemly Button below, but do remember – I will never ask you for your password or billing information.

- Friday, July 5, 2002 @ 09:54 AM PST

Thursday, July 4, 2002

I had a marvelous massage last night and my neck feels ever so much better. I am now feeling myself again. Why do I feel myself? Can’t I get anyone else to feel me? Am I repugnant or something? Am I repellent or something? Have I got the cooties or something? Perhaps if I light a sparkler then someone will feel me? Perhaps not. Maybe if I light one of those little black snake things someone will feel me. Oh, well, I suppose I shall have to make do with feeling myself. What the hell am I talking about?

This here fourth of July celebration will be going on all day here at haineshisway.com, so do check back every few minutes for the latest and greatest. We must all put on our Speedos and lounge in our yards. Those who don’t have pools can swim in the sink. We must parade gaily, showing off our abs and buns of steel to all the passersby. We must play patriotic music such as You’re a Grand Old Flag and The Name Game. Oh, what fun we shall have heating our collective coals, barbecuing our collective wieners, and watching fireworks light up the sky. I myself will be throwing jello hither and thither and also yon, just because jello is so festive and jiggly. I hope you will all join me in the throwing of the jiggly jello.

Well, even though we are celebrating the fourth of July, there are still excellent questions which need answering by the likes of me. Therefore the likes of me will now answer all your excellent questions. But first, the likes of me and the likes of you must click on the likes of the Unseemly Button below.

- Thursday, July 4, 2002 @ 12:20 AM PST

Wednesday, July 3, 2002

Last night I watched part of Volume One of the brand spanking new I Love Luch DVD. I love Luch? Why did I just type I Love Luch when I clearly meant to type I Love Lucy? I Love Luch. What does that mean? I Love Lucy I understand. I Love Lunch I understand. I Love Luck I understand. But I Love Luch? In any case, I watched Volume One of the brand spanking new I Love Lucu DVD. What am I, groggy all of a sudden? I Love Lucyyyyyyyyyyyy. The first thing I watched was the unaired (until 1991, that is) “pilot” episode, which is taken from a 16mm print someone found somewhere. I’d never seen this before and it was pretty delightful. No Fred and Ethel yet, different set, but the banter between Desi and Lucy was funny and her clowning in the “audition” scene was great. Then I watched about half of the first episode on the DVD (not the first aired I don’t think – but from 1951) and the quality was amazing. And still funny after all these years. What a quartet they made – Desi, Lucy, Fred and Ethel. Their timing is a lesson in great comedy, and I am always amazed at what an able farceur Desi was. Paramount has put out two volumes so far, and hopefully there will be many more to come. They’re uncut and gorgeous.

I Love Luch. This is what happens when you have a pain in your nece. Neck. This is what happens when you have a sleepless night filled with tossing and turning and turning and tossing. The information flowing from the brain to the fingers runs amok and then you have amok fingers. You feel as if you are in a coma, which, of course, is amok spelled backwards with a different beginning letter.

Has anyone noticed that this week is strange? Because the fourth of July falls on a Thursday, no one is around, everyone’s taking days off and they may as well have just made the whole week a holiday. The thing I most want to know is is Thursday upset that the fourth of July is falling on it? What did Thursday ever do to warrant the fourth of July falling on it. I hope there is no permanent damage to Thursday. What the hell am I talking about?

I Love Luch. I just can’t get over that. I’ve tried to get over “that” but “that” has had a profound effect on my life and it’s not so easy to get over “that”. “It” I can get over, I can get over “it” but “that” is a whole other kettle of flavored gelatin.

Oh, let us all click on the Unseemly Button before I type I Love Luch again.

- Wednesday, July 3, 2002 @ 09:15 AM PST

Tuesday, July 2, 2002

Yesterday, on cocker spaniel day, I did an interview with our very own td, regarding the release of our brand spanking new DVD of The First Nudie Musical. It will appear very soon on a DVD site which we will link to when td tells us said interview is up and running. So, stay tuned. It is a searing interview – a shocking expose. I name names, I tell where all the bodies are buried, I reveal never-before-revealed revelations. It is raw and truthful and it may cause you to actually look away whist reading it.

Your wonderful amazon.com reviews have started to appear on amazon.com. Now, we must be very careful when selecting the “stars” for the reviews. In other words, two of the three reviews receive five-stars, the most that can be given. Then one dear reader review, which is a great review, only receives three stars when it is clearly meant to receive five stars. That is because dear reader William F. Orr, who wrote a beautiful review for which I’m very grateful, inadvertently (rather than vertantly) pressed three stars instead of five stars. So, do be careful in your star-pressing. The same thing happened last week when dear reader Robert Armin accidentally pressed four stars rather than five when reviewing Nudie Musical. Now, Robert and William should go back there, because there may just be a way to rectify the star thing. I’m not sure, but it’s worth checking out. Do keep those reviews coming, because it really helps for new books that no one has ever heard of.

Last night I started to watch the movies contained in my Giallo box set. For those who don’t know, Giallo films were a series of weird Italian thrillers from the mid sixties and seventies. The one I was watching last night, Short Night of Glass Dolls (yes, Virginia, they all have wacko titles like that) stars Miss Ingrid Thulin, and those of you who have already read my book will know how cool that is. Anyway, I’ll be watching these Giallo movies for several days. They are not for everyone, but if you’ve seen and enjoyed Bird With the Crystal Plummage, you’ll enjoy the movies in this set. By the way (BTW in internet lingo), I like to eat jello when I watch a Giallo.

Has anyone noticed that it’s the dog days of summer? Perhaps we should ponder that fact while we all click on the Unseemly Button below.

- Tuesday, July 2, 2002 @ 09:46 AM PST

Monday, July 1, 2002

A SONG FOR JULY Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

There are many songs for April
There are many songs for May
June is bustin’ out with songs
You’ll be singing them all day.
All the other months are covered but I’ve discovered
One that’s not…
Yes, I do believe that there is a month
That the songsmiths done forgot…
So, we’re gonna rectify that
‘Cause we don’t know why that
Is…

So, here’s a song for July
A month of music and mirth and laughter and legs
A song for July
With all those sparklers and songs you won’t be down in the dregs
There’s fireworks, parades
There are wieners on the barbecue.
Everything’s color-coordinated
In red, white and blue
It’s true

So, here’s a song for July
A month of dancing and fun and smooching and slaw
A song for July
With all that dancing and fun you’d think there would be a law
There’s swimming in the pool
There’s a party on the patio.
Everyone’s wearing their little swimsuits
And no one feels low
You know

Why should July be slighted
Why should July be put upon?
I think July should be knighted
It’s Sir July from now on.

So, here’s a song for July
A month of romance and love and fondling and corn
A song for July
With all that romance and love we should be blowing the horn
There’s sunshine all day long
People lounge and chat and play
Everything’s lazy and really laid back
The skies are blue and never gray
So keep your April June and May
July is my idea of heaven above
So, here’s a song for July
A lovely song for July
Because the month of July’s
The month I love.

Isn’t that a lovely love of a song for July? Doesn’t that just capture the essence of July in a nutshell?

Here is the first exciting news of July: June has bested May as our best month ever, traffic-wise, here at haineshisway.com. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, June trounced May and of course May was our best month before being trounced. We actually trounced it quite handily thanks to your efforts of the last week, trounce-wise. I actually knew we had beat May on Friday, but I withheld that tiny morsel of information so that we would not rest on our laurels, so that we would not just beat May by a mite. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? In fact, I find it so exciting that the only thing I can think to do to show my excitement is to click on the Unseemly Button below. I suggest all others follow suit, for there are more notes a comin’.

- Monday, July 1, 2002 @ 10:02 AM PST