These scary notes are scaring even me, dear readers. I am quivering and quaking in my kitchen. I hear strange noises all about me, as if spirits were circling me in a frenzied frenzy, calling out, “BK, BK, it’s Halloween day”. Oh, I am chilled to the bone. I am like a frozen pizza (with pepperoni), that is how chilled I am. Things are going bump and it’s the morning. So much for things going bump in the night. I’ve got bumps in the fershluganah morning. We are at the mercy of the Halloween Sprites or, at the very least, the Halloween Frescas. Wait, what was that? I thought I saw a ghostly apparition, but alas, it was only these here notes. What tricks the day shall play on all of our perceptions.

This is our first Halloween together, dear readers, and we must all stay glued to this site or otherwise great awfulness may befall those who don’t. Do not even think about being errant and truant on this weird day. Wait, what was that? I thought I heard a creepy crawler, but alas, it was only my stomach, craving an Eileen and Chet Atkins foodstuff.

In fact, it is so frightening in this section that I suggest we all click on the Unseemly Button below so see if relief is awaiting us in the next section. Click away, dear readers, for the creepy crawlers are coming to get us if we don’t.

- Thursday, October 31, 2002 @ 06:56 AM PST

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

In any case, I am getting a late start and I must dash off these here notes in a dash. I must let the words tumble out one after another without caring if they mean anything or not. All why everything to is getting market and trembling I toenail. You see, you see – the words just tumbled out one after another, willy-nilly and also nilly-willy and just look at that sentence. That is utter nonsense. Cows could write a better sentence, but if they couldn’t then it would be udder nonsense. We don’t allow groaning here at haineshisway.com.

Well, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below because I’m madder than a March hare in September. My goodness, that was deep. Click away, my pretties.

- Wednesday, October 30, 2002 @ 07:21 AM PST

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Do you want to hear something funny? Okay, then, I will tell you something funny – well, it’s not exactly funny, in fact, it’s quite pathetic really. My friend Joan Ryan sent a mass e-mail to her friends saying she’d moved and giving her new address. Now, Joan Ryan moves a lot, this is what she does. So, I clicked on “Reply All” and wrote the following one-liner: Is there anyone who moves as much as Joan Ryan? That is all. I quickly got a response from Lisa Richard and my pal Doug Haverty, both of whom took the comment in the tongue-in-cheek fashion it was meant. Then I began to get other e-mails from people on her list, and these e-mails were so offensively vitriolic, as if I’d called Joan a Nazi or something – I mean, you’d think I was a serial killer. Perhaps you think I’m exaggerating, but I am not. They were vicious. I can’t believe there are that many friends of Joan Ryan who are so without a sense of humor that they would react like utter cretins. I spoke to Joan this evening and told her all about the responses and even she couldn’t believe it. I’ve forwarded each and every one of them to her, and since ninety-percent of them are “in the business” I told her to tell them they’d never be working with me. I mean, honestly, what kind of world are we living in when people react this way to a silly one-liner which was obviously meant with humor? It’s nauseating, frankly.

Well, that’s enough ranting – why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can get on with these here notes in high style – for example, calypso pants and sandles.

- Tuesday, October 29, 2002 @ 07:28 AM PST

Monday, October 28, 2002

Also, if you haven’t checked out our new interview with Buddy Bregman, do so immediately. Everyone who’s read it has loved it. If you’ve forgotten how to get to the interviews, simply look over there on the left at the three menu items. The bottom one (the handy-dandy link to new sections, with the Nudie Musical logo) is the one to click on. You will then be whisked away to a magical land where you will be offered several menu items – including the interview section. Simple as pie (eip, spelled backwards).

Yesterday, I went to my market of choice, Gelson’s, and bought bags and bags of candy for Halloween. I so wanted to rip open each and every bag and eat all of the contents, but I refrained from doing so. Do you know how many carbs are in one little tiny fershluganah package of anything that resembles candy? 26 to 36 carbs, that’s how many. Where is the fairness in that? So, I ate onion dip in sour cream with vegetables instead. Sour cream you can eat – a whole fershluganah carton of it if you want (1 carb per serving), you can eat ribs, you can eat salad with real dressing, and a pound of cheese, all in one day, but you cannot eat one little tiny bag of anything called candy. Blechhh, I say and say with no timidity.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because there are other things to talk about and I don’t wish to discuss any of them in this section.

- Monday, October 28, 2002 @ 07:12 AM PST

Sunday, October 27, 2002

And so, even though I slept until ten, I only slept until nine. I feel that is worthy of Samuel Beckett, don’t you? So, given that we all have an extra hour today, those of you who haven’t read the Buddy Bregman interview yet, really ought to – it’s quite a charmer and has lovely stories about fairly amazing people.

I had a relaxing day yesterday – did some errands, did a spot of writing, ate some Eileen and Chet Atkins food, and watched bits and pieces of a few movies. I was in a bits and pieces mood last night – I watched some Tony Award show musical numbers (always the early shows – Cabaret, Turkey Lurkey Time – can’t get enough of them), I watched a few musical numbers from Swing Time, including the brilliant Pick Yourself Up and Never Gonna Dance. I took a nice walk and actually ended up buying the Eileen and Chet Atkins Diet Book (I bought the latest – there were at least eight of these things).

Well, dear readers, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because even though it is nine my body is telling me it’s ten. What that has to do with the price of mangos I have no idea.

- Sunday, October 27, 2002 @ 09:35 AM PST

Saturday, October 26, 2002

Before we go one step further, we have a birthday to celebrate today – so, celebrate we will. Let us all immediately put on our pointy party hats, our colored tights and pantaloons – let us all break out the cheese slices and the ham chunks and let us dance the Hora all the livelong day and night, let us eat cake, let us do the Hokey Pokey and the Irish Reel. Above all, let us shout a big happy birthday to our very own dear reader, Jed who is twenty-three count them twenty-three years of age this very day. So, on the count of three let us all shout “Happy Birthday, Jed”: One, two, three – “Happy Birthday, Jed”. We all wish Jed a wonderful twenty-third year, and I have gotten him a special inscribed copy of The Randy Vicar and the Umbrella.

Well, it is always lovely to start the day with a celebration, isn’t it? And, no matter where you go today, you must wear your pointy party hat and your colored tights and pantaloons. And if someone says nay or looks at you askance, you simply say “phut” to them and turn away haughtily.

I do believe it is time for us all to click on the Unseemly Button below – after all, don’t I have excellent questions to answer? Isn’t there an Unseemly Trivia Contest question for you to peruse?

- Saturday, October 26, 2002 @ 10:42 AM PST

Friday, October 25, 2002

I finally picked up the Carry On DVD box set – apparently Anchor Bay screwed up their shipments and many stores haven’t gotten their supply yet. I’ve looked at some of the transfers, which are lovely. Then I watched half of That’s Carry On, a That’s Entertainment-style compilation of funny scenes from most of the twenty-eight films. Maddeningly, some of the funniest bits are from film not included in this box set, like Follow that Camel, which has Phil Silvers. However, what is included is cherce. I really like the first two films, and then they get sillier and sillier, but are always giddy fun. Carry on Nurse is surprisingly randy for a 1958 film, as are several others. The comic actors are a wonderful lot, and musical theater fans should be happy that in most of the sixties films, Jim Dale is one of the regulars and is delightful. A few of the bits in the compilation had me roaring with laughter, especially a truly silly inspired gag from Carry on Cleo, where she takes out a snake and says, “One bite from this ought to do it” at which point Sidney James bites off the head of the snake. It’s all oddly and sweetly endearing stuff and the box set is a true bargain – seventy bucks gets you twelve movies and the compilation film.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Shouldn’t I carry on with the notes? I should and shall and shall and should, not necessarily in that order.

I was nosing around classmates.com last weekend, and I just happened to look under my classes’ “friends” section, just to see who was listed. There was a woman who had a last name I recognized. Now, I didn’t know the woman with the last name I recognized from a spatula, but the last name I recognized immediately brought back a wonderful image – a girl I knew in both grammar school and junior high. I had quite a little crush on her for a time, and I do remember that we were fine friends. So, I wrote to the woman, and she told me that the long-lost girl was her cousin, and she told me she’d pass my e-mail along. Well, guess what? The long-lost girl wrote me, and we’ve been having a good time catching up. I just sent her Benjamin Kritzer, because I thought she’d really get a kick out of it, since she lived just blocks from where Benjamin lives in the book. It’s weird and interesting talking to people forty years down the line. I’ll let you all know what she thought of the book when she lets me know.

Well, after long delay, the marvelous Buddy Bregman interview is up and running and also running and up. I know some of you don’t know his name, but you will be amazed at his career and accomplishments if you don’t. Buddy arranged, orchestrated and conducted albums for Ella Fitzgerald, Carmen McCrae, Bing Crosby… well, I don’t want to spoil the fun. He talks about all the legends he’s worked with, including Ella, Bing, Carmen (hold on to your hats), Jerry Lewis, Judy Garland, Anita O’Day, Jane Powell, and on and on. It’s a lengthy fun-filled anecdotal interview – and will also be of interest to all musical comedy lovers, since Buddy did the orchestrations for the film of The Pajama Game, and since Buddy had an uncle who is as famous as it gets in musical comedy circles. I recommend you carry on and read it as soon as you finish reading these here notes.

Well, why don’t we all carry on and click on the Unseemly Button below so we can carry on in the next section? Carry on.

- Friday, October 25, 2002 @ 07:23 AM PST

Thursday, October 24, 2002

I loved all your excellent questions and I shall endeavor to have excellent answers for you on Saturday. May I just say that I do not like being up this early? I find being up this early unnatural and intrusive to my inner being. I mean, who can think at such an hour? And yet, here I am, typing away madly so that I can vamoose and go to work, where I will have to think at such an hour.

The good news is that there most likely will be little or no traffic at this unnatural and intrusive hour of the morning. One at least can take solace in that.

Well, I’m afraid we must all click on the Unseemly Button below because frankly or even harveyly, everything is feeling slightly unnatural and intrusive to my inner being.

- Thursday, October 24, 2002 @ 05:28 AM PST

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

I also picked up the new DVD of The Grifters, a movie that I enjoyed. There was a previous DVD, but it was quite a bad and dark transfer. This looks much better. Also got the new Criterion DVD of The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp, a film of Powell and Pressburger. If you don’t know their work you should. They have made some of my all-time favorite films, including The Red Shoes, Stairway to Heaven, Peeping Tom (well, that’s Powell without Pressburger), Colonel Blimp, and my favorite favorite, Black Narcissus. Blimp is a wonderful movie, so in love with being a movie you just feel good watching it. I cannot recommend it enough. Finally (until the fershluganah Carry On box comes in) I picked up a nifty little horror film from Italy/France, called Castle of Blood (originally Danse Macabre). Very atmospheric, and it has the divoon Barbara Steele. The weird score is by Riz Ortolani, credited here as Ritz Ortolani. Ritz Ortolani, of course, invented the Ritz cracker and has nothing to do with Riz Ortolani who didn’t. Nice enhanced transfer, a bit worn and soft, but much better than anything that’s ever been available on video of this film.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Well, for a change of pace, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can regale you with my Eileen and Chet Atkins weight loss report.

- Wednesday, October 23, 2002 @ 07:11 AM PST

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Yesterday, I had a very interesting meeting with some very interesting producers, and I shall only say that I’m hopeful that something will come out of that meeting, because we all got along famously and I think it would be fun to be in business with these people. More at a later date, I hope.

Don’t forget, today is a huge DVD release day, with ET and the Carry On collection my two big purchases. I can’t remember what else is coming out, but there are a handful of other goodies, as I recall. Also, this week is your last chance to listen to the wonderful radio show with Lisa Richard as guest (with a few comments from yours truly). The Buddy Bregman interview will be going up on Friday. It’s only taken three months or something, but I think you will find it very very very (that is three verys – don’t you think it’s time to vary the verys?) interesting. He talks about all the great folks he’s worked with – Ella, Bing, Fosse, George Abbott, Jane Powell, Carmen McCrae, and on and on. It’s a fascinating look at a real show biz dynamo.

My goodness, don’t I have to attend to a spurting water heater? Quick, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can move these here notes along at a steady clip.

- Tuesday, October 22, 2002 @ 07:14 AM PST

Monday, October 21, 2002

On Saturday, I bought quite a few interesting CDs at Tower Records. RCA Spain has been putting out some of the most arcane albums, and being an arcane fanatic, they are CDs of albums that I had as a wee sprig of a twig of a tad of a lad of a youth. I got three count them three of these RCA Spain imports and would have gotten more except they were out of several that I wanted, which I will now order from Collector’s Choice. I got J.J. Johnson’s Broadway Express, a wonderful collection of instrumental showtunes, as played by the marvelous trombonist, J.J. Johnson. The album was arranged and conducted by Mundell Lowe and the band on the album is terrific, as is Mr. Johnson. But it’s the sound on these RCA Spain releases which will blow you away. I’ve said it before, with all the technology we have today, all I ever tried to do was make albums that sounded as good as these stereo albums from the Golden Age. Whatever they were doing back then, it worked. This particular album was recorded in 1965, so it features tunes from such shows as Roar of the Greasepaint, Riverwind, On a Clear Day, Golden Boy, Stop the World, Skyscraper, etc. Then I got an album called Poe for Moderns as played by Buddy Morrow and his orchestra. It’s all weird and wacky music “inspired” by the works of Poe. Recorded in 1960, it sounds like it was recorded yesterday. RCA Spain has also released several albums in the “Stereo Action” series – “the sound your eyes can follow”. These albums are a hoot – they pan the sound this way and that way and it’s too too. I got It’s Magic by Marty Gold and his Orchestra – they were out of the ones I really wanted – two Dick Schory albums. I also picked up an import of two great Nelson Riddle TV theme albums from the 60s, both albums on one CD, and again, the sound is just incredible. Also picked up a new recording of an American opera based on Eugene O’Neill’s Desire Under the Elms. I’m halfway through, and am enjoying it thoroughly. It’s on the Naxos label, which is a budget classical label, and Tower is having a sale right now, so the two CD set cost me all of $11.99. If you’re a fan of American music and American opera, I recommend this. It also has many theater connections. The music is by Ed Thomas, who wrote the notorious flop musical, Mata Hari. The libretto is by Joe Masteroff, who wrote the books for She Loves Me and Cabaret. And the album is nicely produced by Tom Shepard.

There are a couple of others I got, but I haven’t heard them yet, so I’ll talk about them after I do. What am I, Ken Mandelbaum and Max Preeo all of a sudden?

Already these notes aren’t so short. Isn’t that interesting? Has anyone noticed how many times I’ve used the word “interesting” in today’s notes? I find it interesting how many times I’ve used the word “interesting”.

I have an interesting idea – why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below and see what interesting things there are in the next section.

- Monday, October 21, 2002 @ 07:06 AM PST

Sunday, October 20, 2002

Wasn’t that a fine story of an interesting occurrence that occurred? Wasn’t that a very long paragraph, too? Well, I may as well get to the point, dear readers. Yes, Virginia, there is a point and I may as well get to it. We have an anniversary, dear readers, but we won’t be putting on our pointy party hats, nor our colored tights and pantaloons, nor will we be dancing the Hora or eating cake – for it is not a happy anniversary, oh, no, it is not a happy anniversary at all. On today’s date last year (which, of course, fell on a Saturday), a day which I like to affectionately call “Black Saturday”, I received some papers in the mail (as did our very own David Levy) and these papers would signify the beginning of a nine-month nightmare. I think you all know what I’m talking about and I don’t really want to dredge up the insanity of what went on – shall we just say that what happened was wrong and that karma will take care of the rest. I don’t wish anyone anywhere the kind of insanity both David and I were put through, and put through, I might add, for no reason other than the justice system allows such things to happen. I have learned that I do not like the justice system and I do not like it because it favors the wealthy. My lawyer told me that the first time I met him, and he said it made him sick to his stomach and ashamed sometimes to even be a lawyer. In any case, as hard as it may seem to find a positive in all of that – I did create this here website soon thereafter (to stop the bad-mouthing campaign which, of course, continues to this day) and that has been a constant source of fun for me. And, it has enabled me to pursue other things I might not have – and that includes my upcoming film and it includes the stage version of Nudie. When all of it splattered on my doorstep, I was almost finished with Benjamin Kritzer (amazingly, I finished it four weeks later – and I think the emotional roller coaster I was on informs the last thirty pages of the book – for the better, I might add). So, sometimes things happen for a reason, I suppose. It would have happened at some point, because there were personality issues from the beginning. Still and all, I am very proud of what I created – me, no one else. My baby, my idea, my work. And with incredibly talented folks like David Levy and Julia Evins (our web designer) we created a wonderful thing. Others can carry it on, but most people know where the name came from and what it represented. And, I will not let that part of my life disappear – meetings are ongoing about starting up something new – something daring, a bit different – so I can continue creating the kinds of albums I like to do. Stay tuned.

My goodness, aren’t Sunday’s notes supposed to be short? Well, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below because I have blabbered long enough in this here section.

- Sunday, October 20, 2002 @ 10:51 AM PST

Saturday, October 19, 2002

Howdy. Isn’t that a western way to start a new paragraph? Last night I watched the western entitled The World of Henry Orient. It wasn’t really a western, but since today’s notes must have a western flavor, like baked beans, we must carry on the conceit. The World of Henry Orient is actually an eastern, taking place in the city that never sleeps, New York, New York. It just came out on DVD in a lovely widescreen transfer. I hadn’t seen it in quite a few years, and it’s actually a film that has aged extremely well. It’s still delightful, the girls, Tippy Walker and Merrie Spaeth are really wonderful and the rest of the cast – well, they don’t make actors the way they used to. Peter Sellers as Henry Orient is terrific and funny, Paula Prentiss as his nervous neurotic would-be affair is so unique and hilarious you wonder if they could even cast such a role today. Angela Lansbury is amazing as Tippy Walker’s absolute bitch of a mother – with this and The Manchurian Candidate, I’m quite sure Miss Lansbury was every child’s nightmare vision of what a mother shouldn’t be. Phyllis Thaxter and Bibi Osterwald (the Broadway musical theater vet) are warm and wise as Merrie Spaeth’s mum and aunt. But for me, the film belongs to Tom Bosley as Val’s father. He and Miss Lansbury don’t appear until two-thirds of the way through the film, but once they do you can’t take your eyes off of them. Mr. Bosley is so great in this movie, so understated, dignified, warm, understanding – it’s just a perfect performance (he’s also great as a nebbish in Love With the Proper Stranger, from around the same time). And his scene where he consoles his daughter never fails to touch – wonderfully written and played by both Bosley and Walker. The score by Elmer Bernstein is beautiful (Mr. Henry Orient’s avant-garde “concerto” is by Ken Lauber – funnily, it’s not as avant-garde sounding today as it was back then. I really recommend this. After I was through watching it I searched the girls on the Internet and here is what I found. Tippy is currently a writer and artist, has never been married, and owns a small storefront gallery near Yale. Merrie worked as Ronald Reagan’s public relations coordinator and has a very successful public relations-related business which you can read all about at spaethcom.com.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below before I whip out my six-shooter and fill this section with lead. Besides, don’t I have some excellent questions to answer?

- Saturday, October 19, 2002 @ 09:58 AM PST

Friday, October 18, 2002

Don’t we have anything to celebrate around here? Doesn’t anyone have a birthday or something? We’ve got pointy party hats to wear, not to mention colored tights and pantaloons.

Yesterday was a wonderful posting day – full of colorful and fun posts from you dear readers – it’s always good reading around here and it’s always fair weather, too. I occasionally visit newsgroups (ngs, in Internet lingo) and chat boards, but they are dreary compared to our lively and stimulating discourse. They are full of uppity upstarts and smartaleks and know-it-alls. We, on the other hand, have no uppity upstarts, nor do we have any downity downstarts. We have an occasional smartdearreader but never a smartalek. We have no know-it-alls, but we do have some know-it-somes. In short (or long), this is the place to be, this is where you can be in with the in crowd, hip, with-it, happening, now, making the scene. And aren’t we jiggy with that, dear readers? I do believe we are. I do believe that yesterday we found our sea legs here at haineshisway.com, so let's keep it up, shall we?

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below and see what is happening elsewhere.

- Friday, October 18, 2002 @ 07:36 AM PST

Thursday, October 17, 2002

In any case, since I must be up and at ‘em, I’m afraid I’ve not time to be pithy and witty, or is that withy and pitty? I have no time to dazzle with my effervescent prose, or to prose with my effervescent dazzle. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, instead of razzle dazzle I have frazzle dazzle. The weekend cannot arrive soon enough. Or, to put it another way, soon enough cannot arrive the weekend. I was so prepared for today’s notes to be pithy and witty and to sparkle like a diamond, but instead these here notes will be blunted by time constraints. Yes, Virginia, blunted by time constraints. I hate being blunted by time constraints, don’t you? A pox on time constraints, say I.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because frankly or even edwardly this section must end because we are blunted by time constraints.

- Thursday, October 17, 2002 @ 05:27 AM PST

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Just a brief rant before I go. Yesterday I got the brand spanking new DVD of Mr. Otto Preminger’s Exodus. I know it’s not a great film, but it’s rather a guilty pleasure of mine. I first saw it when it was playing its roadshow engagement in 70mm and 6-track stereo sound, at the Wilshire Theater here in Los Angeles. It was a very impressive film and I went back several times. I was thrilled when it came out on a letterboxed laserdisc over ten years ago, but I felt that that transfer was weak and not worthy of the film, and the stereo sound was barely passable. So, I was really looking forward to the DVD. Well, blow me over with a tubesteak if this isn’t the bottom of the barrel for MGM/UA. They can sink no lower than this sorry excuse for a DVD. The transfer? The same as the over ten-year-old laser, which looks ten years worse, given what they can do these days. It is filled with artifacts and bad color. It is letterboxed the same as the laser, that is, incorrectly at 2:35 (the scope ratio – this film was 70mm, which is closer to 2:20). It is, shockingly, not enhanced for widescreen tvs, which makes the transfer look even worse. The stereo sound is muffled and distorted and a joke. It’s a travesty of the highest order and everyone at MGM/UA should be made to flog themselves like Judge Turpin and they should all be bitch-slapped from here to eternity. The Russians are Coming has a nice enhanced transfer – so does Henry Orient. So do the beach party movies (hardly the apex of cinema art), so you’d just think that a major Academy Award-winning film would merit at least a fresh enhanced transfer, given that it stars Paul Newman and Eva Marie Saint, along with a pretty wonderful supporting cast (including the film debut of lovely Jill Haworth, who would go on to create the role of Sally Bowles in the original Broadway production of Cabaret). In any case, damn them, damn them all to hell. I will not forgive them for this abomination.

Well, I hate to rant and run, but we really must all click on the Unseemly Button below or, in other words, let’s have an exodus to the next section.

- Wednesday, October 16, 2002 @ 07:19 AM PST

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Yesterday, dear reader Sandra asked for some help in solving a trigonometry problem – what is the sine, cosine and tangent of alpha/2. That sounded very familiar to me and with good reason – it’s also a song by Meltz and Ernest, and one of their finest, in my opinion. It’s got real logic and precision. I print it here for you now.

THE SINE, COSINE AND TANGENT OF ALPHA/2
Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

Our love is complicated
Like trigonometry
No simple math here
Our twisted path here
Is the strangest thing you'll see -

What is the sine, cosine and tangent of alpha/2
If I knew the answer then I might know everything that I should do.
I can't figure you out
You’re very hard to solve
The square root of one
Is simply no fun
Yet the world continues to revolve

What is the sine, cosine and tangent of alpha/2
If the tan of alpha/2 equals one, does that mean that we are through?
The sum of what I feel
Is not a simple thing
Are we minus or plus
A one or an "us"
Will we drift apart or congeal?

Are we just a bunch of sines and cosines
Am I on a tangent?
Can you hear my heart break apart
With a sound that’s very plangent

What is the sine, cosine and tangent of alpha/2
Won’t you give me your answer, don’t make me wait, now before my tears accrue
The problem is at hand
We really mustn’t fail
We’re in quadrant 1
And believe me hon
This problem we’ve got to nail
So, what’s the sine, cosine and tangent of alpha/2
And will we find that the total equals me and you?

Isn’t that a lovely song? It only had one recording – by Professor Victor Wistwell and his Eight Minus Four Quartet. I believe it was a limited pressing on 78rpm, for students of Professor Wistwell, a higher mathematics teacher in Rye, New York, and I am ever hopeful of finding a copy
on eBay.

Well, the only thing that can follow that is to click on the Unseemly Button below.

- Tuesday, October 15, 2002 @ 07:40 AM PST

Monday, October 14, 2002

And now, I shall tell you what I did yesterday, as I promised I would. I went over to the Cinerama Dome and saw the original Cinerama presentation, This is Cinerama, the first time this has been shown in its original three-panel presentation in forty years. I got to the theater early and got shown to my reserved seat. I was seated behind two of the most obnoxious people I’ve ever sat behind in a movie theater. They looked like Laurel and Hardy, these two buffoons did. The heavy one made Hardy look like an anorexic, while the Laurel one was thin and disgusting (in fact, he got up at one point to ask the usher a question and his pants were literally falling off – revealing his underwear and half his butt cheeks – I almost threw up on the spot). They spent fifteen minutes talking loudly about their various collecting habits, each in their own world and neither really talking to the other – I don’t think they looked at each other once during their entire conversation. They continued talking as the Overture began, and I very nicely leaned forward and shooshed them so loudly and vehemently and with such force that they shut up and remained quiet until intermission.

The overture was nice, and then the curtains parted to reveal a small black-and-white image. Unlike the original Cinerama presentation, there was no masking around the image, which was annoying. In any case, Lowell Thomas spoke about the history of motion pictures and then, suddenly, said the immortal, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Cinerama.” The curtains parted and it was suddenly like being back in the world of Benjamin Kritzer. The roller coaster ride that opens the film is still breathtaking and still makes you nauseous. The screen at the Dome is not a true Cinerama screen, as the real Cinerama screen was louvered with highly light-reflective slats, which created a dazzling image. The image on view at the Dome isn’t exactly dazzling. The panels are not rock steady which is very disorienting, but still it was great fun to see it and experience it after all these years. The screen is about four feet shorter than it should be (the image actually goes into the masking and above it onto the top curtains) and the screen is not quite as wide as it originally was (again, the image spills over onto the masking on each side). The stereo sound is astonishing for 1952 – there is a depth to it that today’s digital sound doesn’t even achieve (of course, there is a ton of hiss, but I have always liked hiss). If you’re in the LA area, you really ought to see it. After the feature was done, the curtains closed. As we were all about to get up, a voice from the screen stopped us and said a major event was going to happen – then, the curtains reopened and we had the original Cinerama trailer for How the West Was Won. I never even knew there was a trailer done in three panel Cinerama, but there it was, looking and sounding amazing. Apparently it’s coming to the Dome soon and I shall be there with bells on. If not bells, certainly I’ll be there with finger cymbals on.

I then came home and actually got some important writing done, so that was good. I ate a big Eileen and Chet Atkins meal and then watched the Beauty and the Beast documentary. Then I began to watch The Thin Man on DVD, a movie I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve somehow missed all these years. It is a total delight thus far, and I’ll have a full report when I’ve finished it.

Things were fairly quiet here at haineshisway.com over the weekend. There were many errant and truant Hainsies/Kimlets, but despite that we had a lovely time here, even though traffic was kept to the bare minimum. If you missed any of the fun, you really should use the Unseemly Archive Button to catch up. First of all, on Saturday I answered all your excellent questions. There is also the first new trivia contest we’ve had in weeks. And there were many fun and interesting little tidbits in Sunday’s notes as well, so don’t be a stick in the mud (no mean feat) – check out all that you missed.

Well, I feel winded – this section is much too long, and I’m afraid we must all click on the Unseemly Button below posthaste because I simply cannot write another word in this section.

- Monday, October 14, 2002 @ 07:07 AM PST

Sunday, October 13, 2002

Yesterday I caught up on some DVD viewing and here is my full report. It is so hard to think with that bird braying like that – at least it could change the note every now and then. It’s especially annoying because the singing bird is doing Sealed with a Kiss in the key of D, and let me tell you, three Ab notes in a row have no place in Sealed with a Kiss in the key of D. Where was I? Oh, yes, catching up on some DVDs. First, I finished watching The Shop Around the Corner, which I profess I’ve never seen before. What a total delight this film is. Beautifully and subtly directed and played, full of charm and warmth and even a pit of pathos. The main title music is a lovely theme by a composer whose name I’ve never even seen before – and I’ve been walking around humming it all the live-long day. James Stewart and Margaret Sullavan are lovely together, and Frank Morgan is as good as I’ve ever seen him. The only weird thing is that all the names (except Ilona, I think) are different than they are in She Loves Me. After that, I ran the Special Edition version of Beauty and the Beast. Now, I know you will find this hard to believe, but the only time I’ve seen Beauty and the Beast heretofore, was at a special showing in 1991 of the Work in Progress version, prior to the film’s release. I adored it, of course, even in that version. I bought the laser disc of the finished version (which I still have) but never got around to viewing the whole thing. What a wonderful film, and everything that’s followed in its wake from Disney has, in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo) been less strong. I’m not saying there haven’t been a few wonderful animated films, but none, at least for me (ALFM, in Internet lingo) has had the emotional resonance of Beauty and the Beast (not to mention, none of them has had a score equal to this film). It just all works and the Special Edition adds a number, Human Again, that is just terrific and it is so seamlessly inserted that you’ll think it was always there. I haven’t even begun to check out all the special features, but I can tell you that this transfer is spectacular, as is the sound, and it’s a must-have and that’s all there is to it. I then watched the new DVD of Saturday Night Fever, a film I have a love-hate affair with. I love the dancing and the music and even Karen Lynn Gorney, who is strange but good in the film. And, I think Travolta and all the actors do a nice job. I don’t like all the angst and sturm und drang (or is it sturm and drung?) on the bridge and all the Donna Pescow stuff, which I find dreary and clichéd. There’s a nice VHS1 special included on the disc, which has lots of interesting backstage stories about the making of the film. Some people on those idiotic newsgroups have already complained about the transfer, but they (as usual) have never seen the film before theatrically, and have no idea what it should look like. It’s a perfect transfer – Ralf Bode used lots of filters and it has that late 70s gritty look to it, too (like Rocky).

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? I am about to go outside to have a little conversation with the braying bird. Besides, aren’t these supposed to be short notes? Another question (and I’ll know the answer if no one answers it) – does anyone actually read these here notes on the weekend, or does everyone just skip to the topic o’ the day? Just curious.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button to see if these here notes end up short or long?

- Sunday, October 13, 2002 @ 10:32 AM PST

Saturday, October 12, 2002

What am I, a weatherman? I hadn’t realized that the soundtrack of Flower Drum Song had come out until I read a post by Mr. Ron Pulliam, so I must go out and purchase it this very day, as I love, love, love (that is three loves) it.

Can someone explain to me this: I’ll be sitting here, thinking about the next thing to write, and I’ll look at the screen and suddenly the little cursor sitting where I stopped typing just moves somewhere else on the page? That is disobedience from that fershluganah cursor and I won’t have it. That cursor must be punished and made aware of what will happen if it continues to behave in such a manner. I mean, it just moves somewhere else on the page, and if I haven’t seen it do so and I start typing I get confused because I’m suddenly typing within a sentence I’ve already written. Then I have to press “edit undo” or whatever the hell it is and all because of the bad bad cursor.

Just prior to the cursor moving of its own accord, I had something to write, but it has completely gone out of my head now that I’ve been sidetracked by the moving cursor. I shall now curse the cursor by saying “pshaw”. Can you all join me please, in cursing the cursor by saying “pshaw”? On the count of three please: One, two, three – “pshaw”. There, maybe that will teach the cursor a lesson it won’t forget. What the hell am I talking about?

In any case, I have questions to answer and by gum and by golly I shall answer them, so let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can get to it.

- Saturday, October 12, 2002 @ 10:24 AM PST

Friday, October 11, 2002

I watched a bit of a brand new DVD last night, Ernst Lubitsch’s The Shop Around the Corner. A beautiful transfer of a really charming movie starring James Stewart and Margaret Sullavan. As you movie musical enthusiasts know, it was remade just a few years later as In the Good Old Summertime, starring Aunt Judy and Van Heflin and baby Liza. As you musical theater enthusiasts know, it was then turned into a Broadway musical entitled She Loves Me. Anyway, I’ll finish watching it tonight. I also picked up Michael Winner’s film The Mechanic starring Mr. Charles Bronson (it’s pretty good, with a great score by Jerry Fielding), and Beauty and the Beast, which I haven’t looked at yet.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden. I started a diet, dear readers, and I have thus far lost three pounds in four days. It’s called the Atkins diet and I like it quite a bit. I had no idea that the wonderful actress, Eileen Atkins and her brother Chet had started a diet plan. I can eat most of what I like (except for bread and pasta and potatoes and rice and candy and pie and cake and crackers) – steak, chicken, fish, most vegetables, cheese, eggs, bacon, ham and that sort of thing. I had been doing the Fit for Life diet but hated every minute of it. The Atkins diet really doesn’t even feel like dieting, frankly or even peterly. I’ll keep you posted on the diet’s progress.

I’m going to try my darndest to have an Unseemly Trivia Contest for Saturday. It’s been too long since we’ve had one. Also, Donald’s new radio show will be up on Sunday, with special guest Lisa Richard (and an occasional comment from yours truly). Be sure to tune in, it’s really fun.

Well, dear readers, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because there are too many carbs in this here section and carbs are not allowed on the Atkins diet.

- Friday, October 11, 2002 @ 07:24 AM PST

Thursday, October 10, 2002

I had a call from Mr. Brent Barrett the other day and he told me a most amusing thing. He told me that he had been precluded… no, barred from including my name in his thank yous for The Alan Jay Lerner Album – an album which was my idea and which I solely produced. Can you imagine – it may well be a first, where an artist is barred from thanking his producer. I don’t really feel the need to comment further, as the whole business speaks very well for itself.

I can’t wait to dig in and answer your excellent questions – these are some of the best we’ve had. So, do come on by Saturday to check out said answers in all their verbosity.

I added a performer to our New York Tourette benefit (I promised I’d keep you apprised as we added people – of course, it’s always with the caveat of “schedule permitting”) – it’s the one and only Miss Diana Canova, one of my all-time favorite people.

Well, dear readers, shall we all click on the Unseemly Button below whilst singing the score to Whoop Up?

- Thursday, October 10, 2002 @ 07:20 AM PST

Wednesday, October 9, 2002

Today I had meeting after meeting and it was all very productive. I met with my producers (both film and Nudie) and settled lots of details. The film has been given its start date – mid-February, with pre-production commencing January 2nd. We will begin casting before that, however. I met with another potential Nudie director today, who I liked very much. Very smart, understands the movie and why it seems to work and had good ideas. I think it’s going to come down to choosing between this person and the person I talked to a week ago. Either would be good I think – so, I just have to decide which will be the most fun and creative to work with. I’ll probably come back in a couple of weeks to have one more meeting with each, and then we’ll decide.

Later, I met up with that very good singer Michelle Pirret and our very own Juliana A. Hansen at Joe Allen, where we all caught up and had a splendid time. Lea Delaria came in and we had a grand chat and hugged and kissed and exchanged amusing stories.

And now, I believe we must all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can have the long and the short of the short notes.

- Wednesday, October 9, 2002 @ 11:31 AM PST

Tuesday, October 8, 2002

Yesterday we had quite a busy day. First we took a train to something called Bayside where we met with the Tourette Syndrome folks. We settled on most of the details for the upcoming concert, including the ticket prices. Then we went to the Danny Kaye Playhouse and checked everything out there. It’s a lovely space but their proscenium is almost 15 feet narrower than that of the Alex Theater, so we will have some fancy adjusting to do, or at least our set designer in LA will. After that I had a little snack of coconut cake at the Brooklyn Diner which, by the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) is not located in Brooklyn. Then it was on to the auditions. We saw several children, both male and female – more female than male. They all did a fine job – still not sure I’ve found the male (I’m willing to go with one of them that we saw but would still like to see some others first) but I most definitely found the female – an absolutely wonderful singer/actress who is all of thirteen (but looks nine, unlike most thirteen year olds today who look thirty). What a voice. When I go back to making recordings, she is definitely working for me. I noticed on her resume that her acting and vocal coach is none other than our very own Diana Canova, and Diana is to be commended for her work with this incredible girl (I’ll reveal her name after we’ve set her via her agent). We had one boy audition who gave one of the weirdest auditions I’ve ever witnessed. We were all basically in shock. He reminded me of a chubby Barry Gordon (the original A Thousand Clowns kid) – he handed his music to the accompanist and then proceeded to do a little monologue about how he grew up loving Liza Minnelli. Then he proceeded to do Cabaret ala Liza, all show biz and hilarious Liza moves – not exactly imitating her, but still totally weird. Then, I asked him to sing something else, hoping to see some different side of him. He chose the last chorus of New York, New York, which he also performed ala Liza. He had a very good voice, but he really mustn’t do this at auditions, at least in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo).

Then it was off to Joe Allen to meet up with our stage manager, Miss Lori Doyle (she stage managed Jane Eyre, 1776 and many others). My NY assistant Jonathan was very helpful at the auditions and will be doing quite a bit of the legwork on the concert before we arrive.

It sounds like I’m writing a diary here. Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can tell you what today holds?

- Tuesday, October 8, 2002 @ 07:16 AM PST

Monday, October 7, 2002

If you were errant and truant and missed this weekend’s notes, you simply will not be with it if you don’t use the Unseemly Archive Button and peruse them. You will not be happening, you will not be in with the in crowd, you will not be the bomb, you will not be rad, you will, in short or long, not be the ginchiest. I’m not going to tell you what happened here on Saturday, notes-wise, you simply must read them for yourself – but I will tell you it was wild and wooly and also wooly and wild. And Sunday, all the answers to last Wednesday’s Ask BK Day were posted. So, do take a look. And also, be sure to tune in to Donald’s brand spanking new radio show.

Today is a very busy day – first taking a train somewhere and meeting with the Tourette people about the benefit. Then back to the city to meet with the people at the Danny Kaye Theater. Then on to audition some kids, then dinner with our potential stage manager for the benefit. Then back to the retro hotel to hopefully relax and get a good night’s sleep.

Apparently this hotel is located next to a trash dump center, because all I hear in the endless drone of trash being dumped – they were doing it last night at midnight and they are doing it now. I would go raise my window and yell on them but they have those things over their ears to block out the sound. They ought to provide those for people who are staying in the hotel.

Well, why don’t we click on the Unseemly Button below and see what’s going on in the next section.

- Monday, October 7, 2002 @ 05:07 AM PST

Sunday, October 6, 2002

I had a lovely flight in, got some writing done on the plane (hooray), and even saw a show, Say Goodnight, Gracie, which was lovely, too. It’s a one man show starring Frank Gorshin as George Burns, reminiscing about Gracie Allen. Lots of laughs, very touching at times and it moves right along. The show is by my pal Rupert Holmes, and through yet another comedy of errors we missed each other for about the fourth time in recent years. He’d originally told me he wouldn’t be able to join me afterwards, as he’d had a problem and was in Boston. However, I did look for him as we left the theater, but didn’t see him. I even checked my cell, but there didn’t appear to be any messages, so I shut it off, and went on to Joe Allen. Well, he was there, looking for me and calling my cell. How disappointing. But, I suppose we’ll try to get together at some point during this trip. Joe Allen was fun, too.

The hotel is something else. It’s very retro but not on purpose. They just haven’t updated anything since 1962. In my little retro suite there are two count them two retro beds which, if put together, might make a full. Not a queen, mind you, but a full, and a retro one at that. In other words, these beds don’t seem to be made for an adult. Still, I got a decent night’s sleep – I just couldn’t turn or move or I would have fallen off the bed. I may try to push them together for tonight. Of course, tonight is our Hainsies/Kimlets get-together here in New York, which I’m really looking forward to. I do hope that some of the attendees will be wearing their pointy party hats and colored tights and pantaloons. By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) the party will be retro as well.

Well, shall we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because I have answered all your excellent questions from last Wednesday, and said answers are waiting your perusal.

- Sunday, October 6, 2002 @ 07:42 AM PST

Saturday, October 5, 2002

- Saturday, October 5, 2002 @ 05:12 AM PST

Friday, October 4, 2002

- Friday, October 4, 2002 @ 08:12 AM PST

Thursday, October 3, 2002

Every night when I get home I think, “Well, it’s been a long day” – oh, a Frank Loesser reference. Oh, well, it will only get harder. Tonight, if I’m not totally whacked, I will attempt to have dinner with our very own Lisa Richard. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? She’s going to tape a radio show with Donald which will air this coming Sunday, I believe (or is it next Sunday – or the Sunday after – as you can see, I am in a conventional dither).

You really asked some excellent questions yesterday and I can’t wait to dive into them like Esther Williams. Being realistic, most likely the answers will be in Sunday’s notes, although I do promise to try to do them for Saturday’s.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below before I am in an unconventional dither. We certainly don’t want to go there, now do we?

- Thursday, October 3, 2002 @ 07:10 AM PST

Wednesday, October 2, 2002

My goodness, that was a whiny paragraph. I have never heard so much mewling and whining in one paragraph. That paragraph sets a new record for mewling and whining, in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo).

I had a lovely conversation with one of the directorial candidates for Nudie Musical tonight. I’ve got to talk to others, but I liked what this person had to say.

Wait, I just wrote a paragraph without any whining, and that is wholly unacceptable on this day of whining. How dare I not whine in every single paragraph? That is just so outré of me, frankly or ever charlesly.

Oh, why don’t we all just click on that infernal Unseemly Button below so I can whine some more in the next section.

- Wednesday, October 2, 2002 @ 07:25 AM PST

Tuesday, October 1, 2002

In any case, here I am bright and early, trying to get these here notes done before I have to be on my merry way. I can’t even think of anything to write about, frankly. But do I want to write about anything frankly – perhaps I’d rather be a bit oblique and obtuse or even obtuse and oblique. I ean, my brain is already fried and it’s only Tuesday. Has anyone noticed that I typed “I ean”? What does that ean? “I ean”. What happened to the fershluganah “m”? This is what happens when one tries to type at seven in the morning after having just gotten up. One occasionally misses a letter and writes “I ean”. However, I shall do my best not to mistype anything else for the duration of these here notes.

Has anyone noticed that today is October 1st? I have – but just barely and only because I looked at the date thingee on my computer. So, happy October everyone. Sadly, September was a bit slow here at haineshisway.com, stats-wise. Part of that problem was the stats thing screwed up three of our busiest days and didn’t count them, but even if it had it would have been our slowest month since March. Now, we simply cannot have that, so we must now make October our best month ever. We must rally ‘round the flag, boys and girls, and we must do, do, do (that is three dos) what we must and we must do it well. Our path is clear and our head’s our high. I woke up with a bit of a sore throat today and we cannot have that either – it just came totally out of nowhere. I am now popping zinc mercilessly because I shan’t be sick when I come to New York.

Today I shall be lunching with my pal, Penny Peyser, who I’ve asked to help cast the upcoming film we’ll be doing. We shall be lunching at a lovely coffee shop, Cable’s. Today’s notes are starting to feel like a laundry list – I’m doing this, then I’m doing that, then I’m doing this, then I’m doing that. How boring. What we need is a pick-me-up. I ean, we just can’t keep going along being all boring and making people yawn, now can we?

I feel this new paragraph will be filled with razz-ma-tazz and all that jazz – oh, a Kander and Ebb reference. I feel this new paragraph will be as perky as a pickled herring in sour cream. I feel this paragraph will be stylin’ and happening. I feel this paragraph will be sweet. In short, I feel this paragraph will kick butt cheeks.

There, that’s what we needed, a pick-me-up. Now that we’ve had it, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can continue to find new ways to be dazzlingly deft and delightful.

- Tuesday, October 1, 2002 @ 07:24 AM PST