Last night I watched the brand spanking new DVD of The Producers with Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder. It looks great, sounds great (I don’t much care for the 5.1 remix, but the mono sounds just fine and dandy and also dandy and fine). There’s one of those annoying Laurent Bouzareau, or whatever the hell his name is, documentaries, but it does have some fun stuff with Mel and the gang. The film remains hilarious when it’s hilarious and strained when it’s strained (I’ve never loved the last ten minutes or so), but it’s such a wonderful example of a comedy that knows what it’s doing and why it’s funny that it’s just breathtaking to watch it take the chances it takes. Zero and Gene are both wonderful in it, as are the rest of the cast.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? I also picked up The Thief of Bagdhad (same old transfer from the laserdisc, which is a bloody shame), The Children’s Hour (ditto), Legend of the Lost (bad movie, but a guilty pleasure – it looks pretty good, too), and most importantly A Kiss Before Dying, the first version with Robert Wagner and Joanne Woodward, from the novel by Ira Levin. There’s no real way to film the novel successfully, but this version is not bad, with the exception of the awful musical score, which is comprised of variations on the awful title song (yes, Virginia, the lyric “a kiss before dying”). The director, Gerd Oswald, was always underappreciated (his work on The Outer Limits was the best of anyone who worked on that show) and it’s a lovely enhanced transfer to boot. If you haven’t read the book, find a copy and read it before viewing the movie. It’s one of the great first novels in the thriller genre.

Has anyone noticed that I am just shuffling along on a Saturday? Just meandering along, just moseying along. Has anyone ever done the Soupy Shuffle? It's very close to the Saturday shuffle only with soup. What the hell am I talking about?

Well, perhaps we ought to click on the Unseemly Button below because the cleaning lady’s evil eye is working overtime right now.

- Saturday, November 30, 2002 @ 09:50 AM PST

Friday, November 29, 2002

After dinner David showed everyone part of the segment I’ve been cutting (a little hidden camera shoot he directed) and I must say it got howls of laughter. The whole evening was very nice indeed, and there weren’t too too many people there, which is what I prefer in dinner parties. After we finished, we all got to tell what we were thankful for. This morning, Luckie was thoughtful enough to let me sleep in.

I watched the most recent The Sopranos last night and it wasn’t as good as the week before, which was one of the greats. It was still better than ninety percent of what’s on television, though, and I’m looking forward to the final two episodes of the season which are coming up in short order.

Well, why don’t we all cliquez vouz on ze Unseemly Button below, so we can get to ze next section. Mais oui? We may – oh, a Stephen Sondheim reference.

- Friday, November 29, 2002 @ 10:11 AM PST

Thursday, November 28, 2002

I can smell the turkey cooking in the oven which is odd since there is no turkey cooking in the oven. I have occasionally cooked a turkey in the oven, but they deserved it. No, I shall be spending Thanksgiving at the home of Cissy Wechter. But that won’t keep me away from this here site, dear readers, because Cissy Wechter has an actual computer and I shall be able to check in from there quite often. I shall report on the goings on, oh, yes, you shall know all about the goings on.

Well, let’s get this here party going by clicking on the Unseemly Button below. After all, we might even find a turkey lurking in the next section, in which case it will be turkey lurking time.

- Thursday, November 28, 2002 @ 10:39 AM PST

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

I have other very very very (that is three verys) exciting news – our next Unseemly Interview will be up one week from this Friday and it’s going to be a corker. Yes, Virginia, our next Unseemly Interview is going to be a corker because it’s with one of the most interesting theater people I know – although not an actor, not a writer and not a director. It’s Mr. Max Preeo, who created the best theater magazine in history, Show Music. It’s going to be an in-depth fun, irreverent interview with lots of topics you will all enjoy, I can assure you. I will keep you posted, and it’s one you won’t want to miss (and for those who haven’t read Miss Donna Lynne Champlin’s interview, you will be bitch-slapped from here to eternity if you don’t go read it right this very minute).

Has anyone noticed that these here notes are not titled. I simply could not extrapolate a title in time to post these here notes. Isn't "extrapolate" a fancy-shmancy ten-dollar word? I'd like to extrapolate the person who made up the word extrapolate, wouldn't you? Okay, I'll just title these here notes right now and be done with it and I shall use the word "extrapolate" and the devil take the hindmost. I just had to change the title because I said it was Tuesday. Can you imagine? It's Wednesday not Tuesday. This is what happens when you have to take Luckie out at seven in the morning - your brain freezes.

I picked up a handful of new DVDs today, some really good obscure British crime thrillers from the early sixties, with the likes of Sean Connery and Stanley Baker. One is directed by Joseph Losey and written by A Hard Day’s Night Alun Owen. It’s entitled The Criminal, and it also has a score by Johnny Dankworth with vocals by his wife, Cleo Laine. The transfers on these black-and-white titles is amazing, another first-rate Studio+Canal job via Anchor Bay. I’ll have a full report soon.

I watched The Sopranos, the episode from the 17th. It was a beautifully written and directed episode, full of wonderful moments. The characters just get richer and the storylines are going really interesting places. It’s just the best television there is, in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo).

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because Luckie’s babysitter will be here very soon.

- Wednesday, November 27, 2002 @ 07:24 AM PST

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Yesterday I got lots and lots of fun mail. Isn’t it fun to get lots and lots of fun mail? No bills, just things – nice fun things. Has anyone noticed that’s it’s a mere two days until the holiday known as Thanksgiving? As I mentioned, we are going to have a huge bash right here at haineshisway.com, so do plan to spend at least part of your Thanksgiving with us.

I’ll be getting Luckie tonight and I’ll keep getting Luckie until Sunday night. We shall have lots and lots of fun, oh, yes, we shall have lots and lots of fun. Has anyone noticed that today’s notes are beginning to read like a Dick and Jane book?

I feel we must have some depth in these here notes and some deep depth at that. We must plunge ourselves into the depths of deepness and then we can rise from the depths like a Phoenix, Arizona and shout, Hurry, It’s Lovely Up Here – oh, a Lerner and Lane reference. I would just like to know one thing: What the hell am I talking about?

Well, why don’t we all just click on the Unseemly Button and see if anything Unseemly is happening elsewhere. See Dick click. See Jane tell Dick he is unseemly.

- Tuesday, November 26, 2002 @ 07:01 AM PST

Monday, November 25, 2002

Tonight is our Unseemly Live Chat – if you’ve already sent us your AIM name we have it, if not send it to me as soon as you can. If something goes wrong, just e-mail me at bruce@haineshisway.com at any time (even during the chat) and I’ll make certain you get there pronto. I’ve heard tell that we are going to have a very special guest join us, a wonderful person who is currently playing in a show on Broadway. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? It’s always lovely to welcome a new member to the haineshisway.com family, isn’t it? Families are wonderful things, oh, yes, families are wonderful things. In any case, we shall have a marvelous time chatting away. The chat starts at seven-thirty sharp, Pacific Mean Time.

Meantime, I must hurry these notes along because the hour is waning, oh, yes, the hour is waning and soon I must leave my very own house. Last night I watched Roman Holiday which, you won’t believe it, I’d never seen. It took me a while to warm up to it, but by mid-point it was captivating and thoroughly charming. How wonderful Audrey Hepburn was. And Gregory Peck is delightful as well. I am a bit surprised that with remake fever in Hollywood at an all-time high, that no one has thought about doing this film – it’s a natural, shoot in Italy in gorgeous color – the biggest problem would be finding two stars with the charm and charisma of Hepburn and Peck.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because that great come-and-get-it day is a comin’ and we mustn’t tarry or dally further. Tally ho, and click away.

- Monday, November 25, 2002 @ 07:33 AM PST

Sunday, November 24, 2002

Last night I ate a yam. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Now, yams do have carbs and quite a few, but I was told by an Eileen and Chet Atkins expert that it is perfectly fine to eat a yam every now and then and that it is high in nutrients. Therefore, I ate a yam and felt no guilt whatsoever. I don’t know if I gained a pound or lost a pound and I do not care as the yam was quite good. Why am I talking about yams when time is a cruel mistress?

Yesterday, I picked up the new DVDs of Sunset Blvd. and Roman Holiday. I checked out the transfers of each and they are superb – despite the lack of the camera negative in the case of Sunset Blvd. I would venture to say that this is as good as this film has looked in years. I watched the short documentary, but it’s just talking heads and very dry and a disappointment. There’s a nice bit on Franz Waxman, the composer of the film’s score, and the best thing in the supplement is the scripted pages of the original opening with as much footage as has survived (without sound, unfortunately). I also picked up Shoeshine, directed by Mr. Vittorio de Sica. I’ve never seen it and am really looking forward to it. I’ll have full reports on all three this week.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because time is marching on and conversely on is marching time and, as we all know, time is a cruel mistress, damn her eyes.

- Sunday, November 24, 2002 @ 10:48 AM PST

Saturday, November 23, 2002

I must really have needed that long sleep and I feel grand, just grand. Of course, now I must hurry through these notes, but here is the good news: I was rather clever and answered all of your excellent questions before going to bed last night, so I don’t even have to write anything in the next section except an exit line. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Oh, what a clever lad am I, having written those answers last night. Why if I hadn’t been a clever lad am I then I would be sitting here for the next two hours writing those fershluganah answers and then it would be after noon by the time the notes went up. But now the notes will go up by ten-forty-five, late but not bloody late.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can get right to those answers to your excellent questions which I, of course, wrote last night because what a clever lad am I.

- Saturday, November 23, 2002 @ 10:42 AM PST

Friday, November 22, 2002

I want to tell you Hainsies/Kimlets that if you haven’t read our current Unseemly Interview with Miss Donna Lynne Champlin, then you are really missing out, so hie errant and truant selves over there and take a gander. Also, if you haven’t heard the latest radio show, you are missing out on our very own Mr. Mark Bakalor and he has been known to bitch-slap people from here to eternity, so you’d better just listen.

Without going into detail, the piece I am currently working on is all about Sex. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, the piece I am toiling and laboring over is all about Sex. I am having a great deal of fun writing the voiceovers for this piece, let me tell you that. Now, I know we occasionally have youthful dear readers here, so do skip this next couple of sentences. One of the people they interviewed for this piece was porn star Ron Jeremy. In introducing him, here is what I wrote: Ron Jeremy, whose johnson is so large that they have to call it johnson and johnson. It’s little things like that (unlike Mr. Jeremy’s thing) that makes the days worthwhile.

I was a lazy loafer last night and did absolutely nothing – not even finish the DVD I was watching. There are times when I am so zonked I can do nothing but sit on my couch like so much fish.

Your posts yesterday were exceptionally exceptional I thought. We even had a visitor whose name I did not recognize and I was rather mystified by his post, oh, yes, I was mystified and I said so, oh, yes, I said so.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because one never knows what is awaiting just on the other side of this here section.

- Friday, November 22, 2002 @ 07:07 AM PST

Thursday, November 21, 2002

Now, I feel that short notes should be short because otherwise they will be long. My goodness, the depth of my deepness is astonishing even to me.

Last night, I began to watch The Defender, the other Studio One DVD I bought. So far, it’s quite good, but I got tired and will have to finish it this very evening. It stars Ralph Bellamy, Martin Balsam, William Shatner and Steve McQueen. As I said, these casts are not exactly chopped liver. The Defender has nothing to do with the TV series, The Defenders, other than that it is a courtroom drama which, by the way (BTW, in Internet lingo), takes place in a courtroom. The whole affair is directed by Mr. Robert Mulligan, who would return to the courtroom just a few yearls later with his wonderful film of To Kill a Mockingbird. Has anyone noticed that I inadvertently wrote “yearls” instead of “years”? That is what happens when one is writing short notes in a hurry. Did you know that Arthur Murray taught me dancing in a hurry? Did you know that I wonder while I wander? In any case, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can wander to the next section and then wonder what the hell we’re doing there.

- Thursday, November 21, 2002 @ 07:29 AM PST

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Last night I watched a brand spanking new DVD of Studio One, an old “live” television show from the 50s. This DVD was transferred from the only surviving kinescopes, which were found in an old Westinghouse storage facility. So far, there are two volumes, one with a two-part live drama called The Defender, and one with two live dramas, one of them starring James Dean. I chose to watch the second of those dramas because it sounded interesting and something about it just piqued my curiosity. The title of the show is The Night America Trembled and it’s about the reaction to the broadcast of Orson Welles’ War of the Worlds broadcast on CBS that caused panic all over the country. Now, here is the amazing thing, dear readers. The minute the show came on (hosted by Edward R. Murrow) I was swept back in time with the most vivid memories of seeing this show when it aired, when I was a mere sprig of a twig of a lad of a youth. I remembered as if it were yesterday, sitting close to the television, riveted by the unfolding drama. And as I watched last night, I started remembering scenes before they were shown. Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t that just too too? I mean, this hasn’t been shown again since 1958. In any case, it’s still a riveting show – the technical stuff is rickety, of course, and the writing isn’t swell, but the subject matter is wonderful and the cast – well, you won’t believe the cast of this show. In both large and small parts are such actors as Warren Beatty, John Astin (billed under another name, but unmistakably Astin), Ed Asner (two lines), Vincent Gardenia, Alexander Scourby, Warren Oates, I mean the mind boggles, oh, yes, the mind simply boggles. And, in a touching bit of fate, a very young James Coburn (billed as “Jim”. I’ll be reporting on the other shows as I watch them, but I cannot recommend this highly enough.

Well, why don’t we click on the Unseemly Button below, because I must leave now that I’ve waxed nostalgic for so long.

- Wednesday, November 20, 2002 @ 07:17 AM PST

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Do you know what I think, dear readers? Well, I’ll tell you what I think, dear readers, because why should I keep secrets from you? Let us leave secrets to fools and simpletons on other websites – we have no secrets here. So, I think we should all put on our pointy party hats and colored tights and pantaloons, I think we should break out the cheese slices and ham chunks and I think we should dance the Hora and even the Fox Trot until the cows come home, because we have a birthday to celebrate. That’s right, you heard it here, dear readers, we have a birthday to celebrate – our very own dear reader Jason is another year older today. Let us drink our toast (no mean feat) in honor of Jason’s birthday and on the count of three let us all shout it to the highest hill: One, two, three – Happy birthday, Jason! Let us have the time of our life by the skin of our teeth, let us celebrate in our various and sundried towns, let us say huzzah and hooray, not necessarily in that order, and let us say huzzah and hooray all the live-long day. Let us party until we drop or, at the very least, let us drop until we party.

I have an idea: Let us make today another day in which we’d like to put on our various and sundried laurels and jonathan tunicks, and romp about mercilessly. I find it ever so much fun – perhaps even that sourpuss Mr. Mark Bakalor will join in our frisky fun.

Well, why don’t we all frolic and click on the Unseemly Button below, because this here party is not over yet, not by a long shot.

- Tuesday, November 19, 2002 @ 07:14 AM PST

Monday, November 18, 2002

Don’t forget, there’s a brand new radio show up, with special guest, Mr. Mark Bakalor, picking his twelve count them twelve favorite show tunes. Be sure to tune in. And don’t forget to check out our Unseemly Interview with Miss Donna Lynne Champlin – it’s a corker.

I must keep these notes short today, because the entire weekend was filled with long notes and my fingers need a break from typing. However, if you missed the weekend notes, there’s plenty for you to catch up on. Many secrets were revealed, many shocking truths were revealed, many mysteries were solved and it was all simply too too. So do catch up on things. I must say that with our traffic the way it’s been, with our live chat, with our interviews, with our radio show, soon we will be the most popular site on all the Internet. Everyone who is anyone will start coming here to be with the in crowd, to be with the hip, the cool, man, cool, the happening throng, the with-it brigade, because this is where it’s at, baby.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below or I’ll be forced to do that colon with a hat thing and we don’t want that now, do we?

- Monday, November 18, 2002 @ 07:19 AM PST

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Last night I attended the 50th birthday party for my friend, Gary Stockdale. Gary is a composer and arranger, and I am happy to say that when I first met him in college (he wanted to be an actor) I made him the musical director of my version of The Comedy of Errors by Mr. William Shakespeare. Since that time, he has never looked back, and he’s quite successful now. The party was held at Maggio’s which is located in The Grove. This was the first time I’d seen what they’d done next to the Farmer’s Market. Everyone seems to love it, but I immediately missed all the quaint buildings and shops. Additionally, the parking is horrid, even using the valet took fifteen minutes. In any case, as soon as I walked into the private banquet room I knew I needed to leave as quickly as possible (I went with Cissy, David and Barbara Wechter) – there were just too too many people there and I just don’t love affairs of this nature at which there are too too many people. It was quite loud and I didn’t know most of the attendees. I did know a few and I did say “hey” to those people. They had “family” style platters of food at each table – as I am currently on the Eileen and Chet Atkins diet, I was able to eat salmon (on a bed of spinach), and Chicken Piccata. They were both okay, but one couldn’t have more than one helping on account of there were many other people at the table (two more than there should have been, because Cissy Wechter insisted on squeezing two extra people in). We stayed a little over two hours and then left. First of all, I had to get home to poor Luckie, who was in the bathroom (normally I will leave her in the yard, but someone is coming to make absolutely certain that there is no way for her to dig out or jump over anywhere or anything). I did that last week and while she was unhappy, she behaved well and just slept. This week I was not so lucky with Luckie. Even though I thought I’d removed everything she could get at, and put the lid down on the toilete, she apparently went a little insane. She overturned both bowls of food and water. She chewed up the towel I’d put down for her, and then, when she’d tired of that, she got hold of the hand towels (she hadn’t gotten far on those, though, thank goodness). When I let her out, she took one look at my face (reacting to the mess), knew she’d been bad, and promptly peed on the floor. I took her in the yard and we had some words about her behavior, and then I let her back in. She stood and watched as I cleaned up the mess, and she felt very contrite. I know you’re all wondering what words we had – I simply told her if she did that sort of thing again I would kick her in the eyeball and throw her from the highest turret. She seemed to understand.

Tonight is our Unseemly Live Chat, so if you’d like to partake, please send me your AIM names once again. I promise this will be the last time, as we will file them this time. Oh, what fun we shall have on our live chat, but prior to that you must post many posts so that our handy-dandy website doesn’t feel lonely. The live chat will begin promptly at six o’clock pacific mean time. If you have friends and neighbors that you think would have a good time, ask them to join us. And you never know who is going to drop in (last week, we had the delightful Leslie Kritzer). Don’t wait until the last minute to send me your AIM names, sooner is better.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because the Sunday notes are supposed to be short and they have turned long without me even noticing it.

- Sunday, November 17, 2002 @ 10:00 AM PST

Saturday, November 16, 2002

First of all, hie yourselves to the Unseemly Interview section and read Miss Donna Lynne Champlin’s unseemly interview, which is lovely. She holds nothing back. Of course, why should she hold nothing back, what did nothing ever do to her? Let nothing roam free the wild world. Wasn’t that poetic? Wasn’t that just too too? In any case, you will enjoy her interview, and there are many revealing things in it.

Tonight I must attend a birthday dinner which I really do not wish to attend, however I will attend it anyway because that’s the kind of guy I’m. I will, however, be bidin’ my time – oh, a Gershwin reference – counting the minutes until I can home and do nothing, which is what I prefer to do on these blessed weekends.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because that is the only way we’ll see the answers to your excellent questions. If you don’t click on the Unseemly Button below then you will be stuck here reading these same words over and over again until you want to rip the very eyes out their very sockets and then you will have big gaping holes in your face and no one will talk to you and you will be shunned, oh, yes, you will be shunned. So, click away.

- Saturday, November 16, 2002 @ 09:48 AM PST

Friday, November 15, 2002

Today, our very special interview with Donna Lynne Champlin is up for your mental delectation. Do pay a visit to our handy-dandy Unseemly Interview section and check it out, and then let us know what you think of it. And be sure to give a listen to the current radio show because Donald is a’givin’ away prizes and discussing whatnot.

Tomorrow, we shall, of course, have a brand spanking new Unseemly Trivia Contest for your mental delectation. Actually, we have a lot for your mental delectation, have you noticed? This is the place to come for mental delectation, as a matter fact or even as a matter of fiction. You want mental delectation, haineshisway.com is the place for you and yours and your various and sundried pets.

Last night I did not watch a DVD. Last night I did not listen to a CD. Last night, I was on the Internet from the time I got home until the time I began my beauty sleep and whatnot. I was doing Very Important Things on the Internet. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Well, dear readers, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below and see what is awaiting in the next section for your mental delectation.

- Friday, November 15, 2002 @ 12:18 AM PST

Thursday, November 14, 2002

Last night I caught up with the two most recent Sopranos episodes. The first (from two weeks ago) wasn’t one of the best, but it was still head and shoulders above most television and even movies. But last Sunday’s episode was a shocker, a grisly gruesome affair that was riveting, one of the best hours of television ever. After watching the two episodes I thought I had another hour or two to do things but those one or two hours had gone missing and I simply had to go to bed to get my beauty rest.

Oh, well, why don’t we all just click on the Unseemly Button below, before any more hours go missing.

- Thursday, November 14, 2002 @ 07:13 AM PST

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

I got home from work last night and I couldn’t do anything. I just sat like so much fish, a zombie in my very own home. Oh, I ate some cucumber slices (this is what I’m reduced to), I watched some more Star Wars: Attack of the Clones special features, I nosed around the Internet, but basically I could not focus on anything. I cannot wait until Thanksgiving, it can not come soon enough. Of course, a few weeks after that this job will be through and I will no longer be askew. And then, we start preproduction on the film. I am tremendously bored with the Eileen and Chet Atkins diet, but I have not strayed yet, although I feel I eat too much food, even though it’s all allowed. Today, for example, for lunch I had a salad with Italian dressing and skirt steak. I wanted pants steak but they were out of it. I had some tomatoes with the steak. I also had some peanuts, about 12 grams of carbs worth. For dinner, I had eggs with Canadian bacon, and some cheese slices (Colby cheese, to be exact). And some cucumber slices which I dipped in ranch dressing. I want to vomit just thinking about it. But, I’m allowed, right? It’s all Atkins approved, right?

Oh, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below and end the askewness of this section.

- Wednesday, November 13, 2002 @ 07:20 AM PST

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Last night, after our live chat, I began the daunting task of watching the extras on Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. I’m a half-hour into the From Puppets to Pixels documentary, and it is totally fascinating to watch the digital creation process from its beginnings right up to the release of the film (and even after for a few shots). It will take days to watch all the extras, but for this disc I will probably expend the effort.

I’m already over-tired and it’s only Tuesday. I’ve got to schedule a massage one of these days. I’m so looking forward to Thanksgiving, when I’ll actually have a blessed four days all to myself (and Luckie, of course). I shall use those days to really catch up on all the writing I’ve got to do. I shall also have to decide whether to take a one day break from the Eileen and Chet Atkins diet to have stuffing and roles and sweet potatoes and cranberries. I may try to be a good boy – we shall see what we shall see.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because all this talk of food is too too tempting and I must avert my eyes from it right this very minute.

- Tuesday, November 12, 2002 @ 07:10 AM PST

Monday, November 11, 2002

If anyone missed any of the wonderously wonderful celebrations going on here this weekend, you owe it to yourself to use the handy-dandy Unseemly Archive Button to catch up. We had a blast here all weekend – it was happening here, it was cool, man, cool, it was the ginchiest and the grooviest.

Last night, I finished Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. No, it is not the greatest motion picture ever made, no it’s not perfect, but I am so tired of these pimple-faced little snots who proliferate on all the film newsgroups who do nothing but bash this film and The Phantom Menace. It’s a measure of the world we live in, frankly, and it bores me to tears. If either of these films had been released within ten years of the trilogy, the audiences would have eaten them up. It’s not that they weren’t hits, mind you, these films did just fine – it’s just the whining and complaining, and about what? These two films are totally in the spirit of the original Star Wars – I’d bet the whiners and complainers find that film quaint. After all, when you think The Matrix and Spiderman are the second coming, then what chance does an old-fashioned space opera have? In any case, even though it’s not perfect, I did enjoy it immensely, and the effects and digital work is so astonishing that I think people just sort of take it for granted because it all looks so real and is so seamless. I liked this one better than The Phantom Menace, although I enjoyed that, too (I know I am in the minority, but I don’t care – I enjoyed it and that’s all there is to it and that includes Mr. Jar Jar Binks – if that character had been in the first three films, he would have been accepted and loved totally. I am convinced of this). Mr. John Williams’ score is one of the best of this series. And, once again, I’m sorry to have to say it, but Mr. George Lucas’ direction is terrific. Fast, fun and, as I said, filled with mind-boggling CGI work.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below and find out if the force is with us.

- Monday, November 11, 2002 @ 06:54 AM PST

Sunday, November 10, 2002

Last night I supped with the various and sundried dear readers known to one and all and also all and one as Laura, Sandra and Megan. I took them to one of my favorite haunts, Musso and Frank. I had the cracked crab and a salad with vinaigrette. Dear reader Laura had a nice big salad with vegetables, dear reader Sandra had a half a piece of bread and a dinner salad, and dear reader Megan ate ravioli, mashed potatoes and cream to tomato soup. It was all too too splendid, but I’ll let them tell you more about it when they return to Arizona, from whence they came. Oh, yes, from whence they came. Dear reader Kerry sent some very special gourmet doggie treats for Luckie, and Luckie has enjoyed a few of them already. Luckie is having a grand time, too, and has been very friendly to all visitors, so I think once she’s in here full time she will be a sparkling doggie.

After dinner, I took the trio on a Benjamin Kritzer tour and showed them most of the locations featured in the book, which they seemed to enjoy.

After they left, I watched the first half of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, which I am thoroughly enjoying. I will admit to being one of the few who thought The Phantom Menace was perfectly peachy, so I don’t understand all these kids who put these movies down as if they were Plan Nine from Outer Space. Certainly what I’ve seen so far has some of the best CGI effects ever put on the screen – they are, in fact, breathtaking. I’ll have a full report tomorrow.

Well, dear readers, why don’t we click on the Unseemly Button below and see if this section is from whence we came.

- Sunday, November 10, 2002 @ 09:56 AM PST

Saturday, November 9, 2002

In any case, I began this here site because of the hundreds of wonderful e-mails I received following that black day. They were so kind and hearfelt, and many of them said “please let us know what happens”. Also, certain “things” started appearing in news stories and in order to combat those lies and half-truths I began to think about creating a site where I could dispel such nonsense. I spoke to Mr. Mark Bakalor, and the seeds of haineshisway.com were born. He did a brilliant job of designing the site and we had a ton of fun doing it. We began testing the site and making sure everything worked a few days before we went “live”. In the meantime, I sent e-mails to everyone who’d asked to know what was happening.

I wanted this here site to be fun and fancy-free, I wanted to be able to do whatever I pleased and I wanted to build a family of dear readers who would be loyal and true Hainsies/Kimlets, who would have a home and a place to go every day for some fun – where they could post without fear of being snapped at or berated like on most Usenet groups or chat boards. I wanted everyone to have an equal voice here, whether opinions differed or not.
Donald Feltham called and we had a nice conversation and we decided that it would be grand fun to have a Broadway-themed radio show, too. I’d created one elsewhere that was quite popular, and I’d asked him to host that. He most defiantly did not want to continue doing that show, so we created our very own right here at haineshisway.com. And so, one year ago, on November 9th, haineshisway.com was born and took its first baby steps. People found us right away, and in a few weeks we had already sewn the seeds (no mean feat – have you ever tried to actually sew seeds?) of our little family. Traffic grew daily and soon we had become very popular with the populace. Where else could you read daily drivel, hear a radio show, read all about the Guy Haines family tree, post on daily topics of discussion amongst friends, discover the songs of Meltz and Ernest, hear tales of The Randy Vicar, celebrate birthdays, eat cheese slices and ham chunks, behave like so much fish, and so forth and so on and also so on and so forth. Every week new people showed up – some stayed, some only visited for a while. In addition, we discovered that we have a plethora of lurkers out there in the dark, and we also have our very own merry searchers, who I’m quite certain are scouring these notes looking for heaven-knows-what, and who will then be searching merrily for heaven-knows-what.

Within months we had become one of the most popular sites on all the Internet, much to the chagrin of certain people. Oh, yes, there was chagrin aplenty. I think it confused some people that I could come on here daily, be cheerful and funny and seemingly footloose and fancy-free. I think that frosted certain people, oh, yes, I think that frosted them. Suddenly, haineshisway.com was the in place, we were happening, we were cool, man, cool, we were the ginchiest, the most wacko, unpredictably predictable place on all the Internet. And the lovely news is that every day our traffic grows and new people find us.

Sometimes when dastardly things happen to you, you are forced to reassess the world around you. And this here site has helped me to do that. I finished my novel, Benjamin Kritzer, which is now out and getting lovely reaction. I did the Nudie Musical DVD which led to my making a deal to bring the film to the stage and New York. I made a deal to make a brand spanking new film, which begins shooting next February. I began the first tenuous discussions about starting up a new label. I have, in fact, never been busier.

And so, it’s time to put on our pointy party hats, our colored tights and pantaloons – it’s time to break out the cheese slices and ham chunks, it’s time to dance the Hora and even the Mashed Potato. In other words, it’s time to celebrate, celebrate, until the cows come home. It’s time to eat cake and I, for one, say Let ‘Em Eat Cake – oh, a Bruce Kimmel reference. I want today to be the party to end all parties. I want confetti, and streamers, and shouting and cheering – I want everyone everywhere to know that we are having fun here at haineshisway.com and this is where the party is, every single day.

Well, that was quite long, wasn’t it? That was just ever so long and rambling, like a rambling rose. Well, today everything’s coming up rambling roses, and for anyone who doesn’t think so, well, damn them, damn them all to hell.
Anyone who isn’t celebrating will be bitch-slapped from here to eternity. So, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because in addition to our fancy-shmancy fershluganah celebration, I have excellent questions to answer.

- Saturday, November 9, 2002 @ 10:34 AM PST

Friday, November 8, 2002

Last night, I saw the television version of Annie, which I’d never caught before. I didn’t think it would be possible for anything to be worse than the film version of Annie, but while this was a bit closer to the source material, it was just so lackluster on every level I just was bored to tears. I like Rob Marshall very much, and I’m sure Chicago will be better than this. Just about everything is wrong – all the performances (save Victor Garber, who I thought was okay) are strange – some oversized, some undersized, some non-existant. Kristin Chenoweth is costumed horridly and shot horridly, Alan Cumming on film is not something I need to see, Kathy Bates was just weird, and the little Annie (who I’d worked with before) wasn’t directed well and thus came off fairly charmless. And let’s just say that no one involved did Audra McDonald any favors. But the worst, the absolute nadir, was what they did to the score. They rearranged everything, made it lethargic and syrupy and gooey and lifeless – the conductor/musical director did a terrible job (he also takes a music co-producer credit – given the awful sound of the orchestra he probably deserves it). And, of course, the whole thing was shot on the back lot, so numbers like NYC, which should have been glorious, looked ridiculous and cheap. Why they do these things I don’t know. Craig Zadan and Neil Meron obviously get off on it, but they both should know better than to try to fix what isn’t broken. I dread The Music Man, oh, yes, I dread it.

I didn’t mean to rant or be negative, but I just wish they’d treat these properties with more respect. I mean, the film was awful, this thing was awful – that’s two awful Annies, and there’s not going to be a third. Same with the recent South Pacific. They finally do a much-needed remake, and it’s worse than the original film, which wasn’t too swift to begin with. In any case, I have spoken the naked truth, at least from my perspective. Funnily, I had lunch with the original Grace Farrell today, Sandy Faison, a very nice person.

This Saturday, I’ll be supping with our very own Dear Reader Laura and her Dear Reader daughter, Sandra. Oh, what fun we shall have, wearing our pointy party hats and colored tights and pantaloons.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below and see what’s cooking in the next section.

- Friday, November 8, 2002 @ 07:18 AM PST

Thursday, November 7, 2002

Now, as you know, yesterday was Ask BK Day, and yet it wasn’t, because of our little hiccup. So, today is Ask BK Day even though yesterday was Ask BK Day. Certain people did ask a handful of questions, which have been duly noted, oh, yes, they have been duly noted. Therefore, please ask your excellent questions today and I shall duly note them, and then I shall answer your excellent questions which, by the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) have been duly noted, on Saturday.

Last night I watched a documentary about the making of the motion picture entitled The Misfits, which was written by Arthur Miller, and which starred Mr. Clark Gable, Mr. Montgomery Clift, Mr. Eli Wallach and, of course, Miss Marilyn Monroe. There are some wonderful bits in it and some lovely behind-the-scenes stills and footage. And unlike the MGM/UA DVD of the film, this documentary has the film scenes enhanced for widescreen tvs and they look gorgeous. The film was a muddled mess, and this documentary shows why.

I then started watching a motion picture I have never seen, Mr. William Wyler’s The Good Fairy. So far it is very enjoyable if not exactly brilliant. It is very whimsical, and Mr. Wyler’s strong suit is not exactly whimsy. The screenplay (from a Molnar play) is by the brilliant Preston Sturges, who does do whimsy very well. And the cast is wonderful – Margaret Sullavan, Frank Morgan, Herbert Marshall – I’ll report more after I’ve finished it.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Let’s just all click on the Unseemly Button because I’m quite certain there will be fascinating things in the next section.

- Thursday, November 7, 2002 @ 07:21 AM PST

Wednesday, November 6, 2002

At six p.m. last night, Mr. Mark Bakalor wrote me to tell me there had been a problem - apparently the company with which we registered this domain name had been trying to send the bill for the upcoming year - only they'd been sending it to some address at Mark's domain that is never used. He'd told them a year ago what the billing contact e-mail address should be and they'd never entered it into their system. Therefore, they shut the site down. As soon as he realized what had happened he called them, made the payment and they began work getting the site back up. It's got something to do with "propagating" the site all over the world so that people can reaccess it. I don't know from this stuff, so I'm just hoping the site is up and running sooner than later, otherwise these butt cheeks are going to hear from me personally. As Chester A. Riley used to say, "What a revoltin' development this is."

I had much to talk about but I suppose I'll save it for Thursday's notes, when I know we'll be up and running. Also, be sure to clear your cache because some of you (if you don't) will keep getting the "error" page (especially you AOL users). I want to throttle someone, frankly, but I shall hold my temper (and I hope my temper appreciates being held - it's frequently lonely, you know). All I can say is, what a revoltin' development this is. Oh, let's all click on the Unseemly Button (if there is an Unseemly Button to click on) and see if there's another section.

- Wednesday, November 6, 2002 @ 12:00 AM PST

Tuesday, November 5, 2002

The prom scene was a perfect example of everything that was wrong with the television version. On TV, Carrie is so inner at the prom, she just never blooms. Just watch Sissy Spacek in the same sequence – watch her just light up and blossom – it’s just magical. Of course, she had the super-charming William Katt to play opposite instead of the too-old stick playing Tommy Ross in this new version. And then the “director” had the nerve to start ripping off de Palma shots. And the ending? We don’t get de Palma and Lawrence Cohen’s brilliant shock ending, oh, no, we don’t get that. We do get a surprise ending and the surprise is that this whole remake is a fershluganah pilot for a Carrie series. Yes, Virginia, Carrie lives and is on her way to Florida. Need I say more? Need I go on? Is it any wonder I am hopping mad? .

Has anyone noticed that silly-looking period just sitting there all by its lonesome? Well, as you may or may not have heard, I am hopping mad and I am frosted, so let’s just all click on the Unseemly Button below and be done with it.

- Tuesday, November 5, 2002 @ 07:17 AM PST

Monday, November 4, 2002

Luckie went home at eight last night, and while she was certainly excited to see her owner, she was very loving towards me, too. We’ll see how she is when she comes back on Friday night.

Other than that, I started to watch a brand spanking new DVD called My Father’s Glory, which I’d somehow missed when it originally came out. Since everyone seems to like this film I gave it and its followup, My Mother’s Castle, a go. So far I’m enjoying it very much. It’s about the childhood of author Marcel Pagnol. Both movies feature lusciously beautiful scores by Vladimir Cosma, a composer I really am fond of. I know it was released here (maybe by DRG) and I really recommend it if it’s still available.

Last night I ate a candy bar. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I ate a candy bar and yet I did not go off my Eileen and Chet Atkins diet. How so, say you. Say I, here’s how so – it is a special Atkins candy bar – chocolate with raspberry, with no sugar at all, and an astonishingly low three carbs. It’s not that good, but it was heavenly nonetheless.

By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo), I do believe October would have been our very best month, stats-wise, but the statistics page screwed up a total of five count them five days (it really is becoming fairly useless and every time I bitch and moan and also moan and bitch, Mr. Mark Bakalor says that’s just the way the ball bounces, as if that were some kind of explanation for the ineptitude of the statistics page. I, for one, say bitch-slap the makers and keepers of that page from here to eternity. In any case, our traffic was at its highest on the days that were counted, so I’m just declaring it the best month ever, even though it doesn’t look like it on the graph.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I must get off my butt cheeks and vamoose.

- Monday, November 4, 2002 @ 07:21 AM PST

Sunday, November 3, 2002

I must say, that the one thing I could not get lucky to do was pee, and by eleven at night that was very alarming. But I let her out in the yard at eleven-thirty and she finally did. And this morning on our walk she did again. She hasn’t eaten a regular meal yet (even in her own bowl) but I’m hoping she’ll get hungry enough to do so – she has had lots of treats though, so she seems fine. She keeps nosing the food around in the bowl (it’s her food – it was brought with her) so I know she’ll eventually eat it.

Well, that was a fine dog story, wasn’t it? Perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button below to see if I have any other animal stories.

- Sunday, November 3, 2002 @ 10:19 AM PST

Saturday, November 2, 2002

Last night I watched the brand spanking new DVD of a motion picture entitled Spiderman. I know this film was a huge hit at the box-office so I was looking forward to seeing it. It’s quite enjoyable on certain levels, and on other levels it’s quite annoying. The enjoyable levels are Toby Maguire’s performance, as well as Kirstin Dunst’s performance – both are winning and likable. And isn’t it wonderful that the director cast Cliff Robertson and Rosemary Harris, both of whom bring solid dignity along with him. Which is more than I can say for Mr. J.K. Simmons, an actor I normally like, but who is here doing a rather bad impression of Jackie Cooper in Superman by way of Jerry Orbach in anything. The writing is especially bad in his scenes, so it’s not all his fault. Now that I’ve brought up Superman, this movie is rather shameless in its Superman, The Movie ripoffs, but they are what works best about it. What I found annoying was the villain played by Willem Dafoe. Mr. Dafoe has a good time doing it, but I just didn’t like the whole costume and conception of it – he looks like some surfer gone amok – I wish they’d gone a different route, but you know it made a billion dollars so who am I? And I am so weary of overdone CGI effects, which are now becoming as obvious as the blue screen of old. If only they wouldn’t overdo them, they’d work better. But they’re so into it they can’t stop showing off – several CGI shots in Spiderman border on really awful. And while we’re on the subject of awful, I almost took the disc out during the end credits and threw it in the trash. Why? Because of the two count them two crass disgusting terrible wretched pop songs they have the temerity to insert over the credit scroll. Who are these stupid cretins? One song, Hero, is simply dreadful – did someone think they were going to get a “hit” out of it? And the other song is a fershluganah rap song. I mean, really, let us banish the “music supervisor” from the world of motion pictures. It totally ruins whatever mood has been established by the filmmakers and the film’s actual composer, Mr. Danny Elfman. A pox on those songs. Still, even with its problems, I enjoyed it.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Don’t I have excellent questions to answer? Aren’t we having a mini-celebration?

Perhaps we’d all better click on the Unseemly Button below before some music supervisor slaps an awful song over these here notes.

- Saturday, November 2, 2002 @ 08:39 AM PST

Friday, November 1, 2002

All right, the vote is split – some want the live chat on Sunday, some want it on Monday. So, here is what I say – we will start on Sunday – this Sunday – with our very first live chat. We will alternate – the next chat will be on a Monday, the next on a Sunday, and so forth and so on, etc. etc. etc. So, tune in on Saturday and Michael Shayne will give us all the proper link and directions, and we’ll repeat that information on Sunday as well. The live chat will convene at six p.m. pacific time, nine p.m. eastern. Oh, what fun we shall all have, but do not let it stop us from posting all the live-long day.

Tomorrow is the first part of our one year anniversary – tomorrow marks notes number 365, but our actual anniversary is November 9th. The 9th will be our big celebration, but there will definitely be a mini-party here on Saturday, so do stop by. And don’t forget, Saturday is the day I answer all your excellent questions.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below before inertia takes over this section and causes us all to take a nap.

- Friday, November 1, 2002 @ 07:19 AM PST