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Log Archives
December 2001
Monday, December 31, 2001
I am giddy with celebrating, dear readers. I am sated, having eaten a plentiful supply of cheese slices and ham chunks, and I even splurged and sprayed some whipped cream down my throat. I've thrown confetti in the air and its landed on the floor. That's gravity for you. What a splendid New Year's Rockin' Eve this is. I'll be back for one more update in a little while and then we shall all shout as loud as we can (and we all know how loud Hainsies can shout) HAPPY NEW YEAR! Get ready.
Here is our first handy-dandy update. If you've just started reading these here notes, skip to the next paragraph, read them thoroughly, and then come back up here for the latest. I think I pulled something whilst trying to do the Limbo. Apparently, Jews of a certain age should not do the Limbo, they should sit on a couch like so much fish and eat their cheese slices and ham chunks (well, Jews should not eat ham chunks, but occasionally they do eat ham chunks because it would be unseemly not to, celebration-wise). What fun we're having, and I hope you are vicariously sharing in said fun because you simply must share in the fun vicariously. Well, I must get up and do the Hora now. I'll be back in a bit.
Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but it is a mere no days until the new year. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, the new year is but hours away. The first thing I want to say is that I want all of our Hainsies to be safe and sound tonight. I, of course, always stay in on New Year's Eve, and I contemplate things. I think about what has worked in my life for the past year and then I think about what hasn't worked and what I want to change and/or fix. I also eat cheese slices and ham chunks and I dance the Hora whilst wearing a pointy hat and skimpy clothing and tossing confetti hither and thither and yon, and let's not forget to and fro. And I want you all to join me in said contemplation, cheese slices, ham chunks and dancing of the Hora in pointy hats and skimpy clothes. Because, damn everyone's eyes, we are going to celebrate, and no one is going to get in our way, dear readers. No one is going to put a damper on our celebration. No one is going to be a party pooper, because to be a pooper at a party is unseemly. No, if you're not a loyal and true Hainsie, then this party is not for you. If you are not a loyal and true Hainsie you should stop reading right here and right now because these here notes will only confuse you. You will sit there and scratch your noggin and think, "What the hell are they eating cheese slices and ham chunks for, and why in heaven's name are they dancing the Hora in pointy hats and skimpy clothes?" Well, I'm here to tell you naysayers and doubting Thomases that not only will we be doing those things, we will also be doing the Limbo.
What do you think of them egg roles, Mr. Goldstone? So, you doubting Thomases go elsewhere because we are going to be having our first annual Haineshisway.com New Year's Rockin' Eve and the devil take the hindmost, whatever the hell that means.
We have our trivia contest winner, dear readers. In order to find out who the High Winner is (along with the Subsequent Winners) you will simply have to click that darn Unseemly Button below, unless, of course, you are a doubting Thomas, or even a doubting Edgar or Mary Lou.
- Monday, December 31, 2001 @ 09:59 AM PST
Sunday, December 30, 2001
Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but it is a mere one day until the new year. Don't forget, tomorrow will be our New Year's Eve Rockin' Bash, starring Guy Haines and a host of others. Mr. Donald Feltham has a very entertaining and totally perverse The Broadway Radio Show in honor of our celebration, which I recommend wholeheartedly. We will have cheese slices and ham chunks, of course, and a plentiful supply of Diet Coke with which to toast in the New Year. I don't know why we just don't toast in the New Year with toast, preferably rye, buttered. Oh, what fun we shall all have, Hainsies. We will wear our pointy hats and strew confetti hither and thither and yon and we will be of good cheer and we will dance the mambo and the mashed potato until the wee small hours of the morning and we will play "the name game" and we shall party hearty and we will all use our unseemly search box and search for unseemly things.Speaking of our unseemly search box, after reading yesterday's notes many of you came in and searched things. Even David Levy's mother showed up. We're giving that unseemly search box a real workout. Here is what I found out that was very interesting to me, unseemly search box-wise: I searched the words "cheese slices" and "ham chunks", thinking that those would be clear winners in the search department. Well, do you know what? Well, of course you don't know what, which is why I'm going to tell you what, because, frankly, you have a right to know what. But, in order for me to tell you what, which, by the way, you have a right to know, we must all do do that voodoo that we do so well - yes, we must all click that Unseemly Button below.
- Sunday, December 30, 2001 @ 11:34 AM PST
Saturday, December 29, 2001
Well, dear readers, not that we're counting, but it's a mere two days until the new year. Today, which, by the way, is a mere two days from the new year, is trivia question day. Our very own trivia expert David Levy has come up with a fine question for all you musical theater mavens, but we'll get to that in a little bit.Yesterday I spoke of the great John Ford film, The Searchers, a film about revenge, starring Mr. John Wayne. Well, do you know you can "search" right here at haineshisway.com? Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, you can perform handy-dandy searches right here. There's a convenient unseemly search box, and in that unseemly search box you type in what you're searching for, and if I have written the words you're searching for in these here notes (or in any of the handy-dandy archived notes) then your search will turn up the uses of what you are searching for. Isn't that a splendid feature? Why you never know who will come to this here site and search for things. And the things people search for are always very interesting. For example, if a performer comes here to read these notes, they might search their own name, to see if I have written about them. If someone comes here via a link, then they might search references from the link they came from (we get a lot of people from Susan Egan's site, and many people have searched the name "Susan Egan" and I've just given them two more instances of her name being used). Why, it is very interesting what people search for. Sometimes they search for the most unlikely things, people do. Apparently, people want to know if I'm talking about them. Sometimes a search will turn up many references, and sometimes a search will turn up no references. If you were to search for, let's say, "cheese slice" you would turn up so many references it wouldn't even be funny. But if you were to search for, let's say, "aardvarkian shoes" you would turn up no references (well, if you were to search "aardvarkian shoes" now, you would, in fact, turn up two references. Isn't that amazing? More amazing is the fact that Mr. Mark Bakalor has set up a handy-dandy feature where I can see what things people are searching for. That is so much fun. Would you like to know some more of what people are searching for? Well, just click that annoying Unseemly Button below and perhaps we'll find out.
- Saturday, December 29, 2001 @ 11:31 AM PST
Friday, December 28, 2001
Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but it is a mere three days until the new year. Since we had The Round Up yesterday, today I thought we should have The Square Up, because I don't want to become predictable, shape-wise. Did anyone notice just how few pithy comments we had yesterday? I was sitting here like so much fish, wondering Where Have All The Hainsies Gone (Long Time Passing)? Perhaps you were all out doing your post-Christmas shopping and taking advantage of all the sales. We miss your pithy comments, though, so you simply must leave them or we shall be very sad and we shall commit Hari Kari, or, as it's better known in the United States of America, Harry Carey. You don't want me to commit Harry Carey, do you? First off, how would Harry feel about that? Second off, I'd much rather read your pithy comments than commit Harry Carey, who was so good in Mr. John Ford's The Searchers, a wonderful film about revenge. I just love wonderful films about revenge, and the hero, Mr. John Wayne, is maniacal in this film in his pursuit for revenge. He just keeps on coming, there is no escaping Mr. John Wayne in his quest for revenge. And what he does to the person responsible for Bad Things is... well, let's just say they get their comeuppance in a very satisfying way. Where was I? Oh, yes, lack of pithy comments and Harry Carey. It's just that it's a pity when there are no pithy comments, but of course "pity" is "pithy" without that unseemly "h". Speaking of unseemly, isn't about time we all just clicked on that Unseemly Button below? I do believe it is, or we shall all be bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor, who, by the way, has never left a pithy comment.
- Friday, December 28, 2001 @ 09:14 AM PST
Thursday, December 27, 2001
Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but there are a mere four days until the new year is upon us. Now, I know you are all out there scratching your collective heads, thinking "Wait a fershluganah minute, yesterday he said it was eight days until the new year is upon us". And I will admit freely and clearly and also clearly and freely that that is indeed what I said yesterday. Oh, I could go in and, in Orwellian fashion, change what I said yesterday, simply edit what I said yesterday and act as if I'd never said it, but I don't do that sort of thing. I leave that sort of Orwellian behavior to others, whoever they may be. So, yesterday, why did I say eight days, and today why am I saying four days? Well, I'll tell you why, because you have a right to know. Yesterday I said eight days because the night before I'd eaten too much noodle kugel. There you have it, blame it on the noodle kugel, or blame it on the bossa nova, but I'm not taking the rap, baby. First off, I hate rap so why should I take the fershluganah rap. In any case, I've now decided that it's a mere four days until the new year, and I decided this because last night I ate scalloped potatoes, roast beef and salad, and that sort of comforting meal allows one's head to be on straight. Noodle kugel does not allow one's head to be on straight, therefore blame this whole damn thing on the noodle kugel, the bossa nova or even on Rio. I'd say blame it on my youth, but we all know that would be gilding the lily. I tried gilding my Aunt Lily once, but she wasn't having any of it. She simply did not wish to be gilded and that was that. You may be wondering how I arrived at my "four days until the new year" figure. Well, click that Unseemly Button below and you'll find out how I arrived at that figure in short order.
- Thursday, December 27, 2001 @ 09:44 AM PST
Wednesday, December 26, 2001
Well, dear readers, now that Christmas is behind us, has anyone noticed that were a mere eight days before we have a brand spanking New Year? Not that we're counting or anything - no, that would be unseemly - but in eight short days we will have a brand spanking New Year, and I, for one, can't wait. This old year has frankly been for the birds, even though it did bring forth some very interesting and unexpected things, like my very first novel. Hopefully, I will have some exciting news about my very first novel and hopefully I can impart that news to you at the beginning of the New Year. Otherwise, this old year has frankly, or even Georgely, been for the birds. I don't really know what that means, of course. The birds certainly didn't deserve the trials and tribulations of the old year any more than we did. What did the birds ever do to rate the expression "for the birds". No bird ever bad newsed me, let me tell you that. Well, other than the occasional vulture who bad newsed me, no bird has ever bad newsed me. Maybe the person who created the expression "for the birds" had just seen Mr. Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. In any case, I wish the birds only happiness, especially our very own singing bird, who is in the yard right now doing a jaunty rendition of Don't Cry For Me, Argentina.Frankly, or Georgely, that paragraph was pretty much for the birds, don't you think? Let's all click the Unseemly Button below and perhaps we can have a paragraph that's for the rabbits.
- Wednesday, December 26, 2001 @ 09:52 AM PST
Tuesday, December 25, 2001
Well, dear readers, not that we're counting down or anything, but there are no days left until Christmas, because here we are right smack dab in the middle of Christmas day. I can't imagine we'll have a lot of traffic on the site today, what with everyone celebrating and eating fruitcake and minced meats and pie and turkey and ham chunks and cheese slices, as well as opening all the wonderful gifts that Santa left for all the people who were good this year. And, of course, to all the people who were bad this year, we know in our heart of hearts that Santa left the people who were bad this year a big bag of Santa Rasberries. I shall be going to a handy-dandy Christmas party later this afternoon. In any case, we will keep these notes brief, which is appropriate since we're here at haineshisway.com.To hear all about my fancy-shmancy "do" do click the Unseemly Button below.
- Tuesday, December 25, 2001 @ 09:36 AM PST
Monday, December 24, 2001
Here is the second of our handy-dandy updates. The spaghetti sauce is fab, the noodles are a'cookin', the tuna noodle salad is yummy and all is in readiment for that wonderful time when the guests arrive. There are ham chunks and cheese slices galore and a plentiful supply of Diet Coke. Now, if only some guests would arrive so I can eat.Here is the first of our handy-dandy updates. Gelson's Market was a madhouse. No parking spaces, crazed shoppers. Why does everyone insist on waiting until the last possible minute to do their market shopping? They do, though, and then they descend like vultures over a rotting carcass in the dessert. Ooh, that was a piquant image, wasn't it? However, I can't be angry, since I waited until the last possible minute to do my market shopping, although I thought about doing it yesterday, if that counts for anything. Anyway, I survived the vultures and got the hell out of there in a half hour. I've made the tuna and noodle salad, and I've prepared the spaghetti sauce, which must now simmer for many hours. Hopefully some people will come over. I do this "do" every year and every year I forget to call people to invite them until the day of the "do". Isn't that brilliant? Anyway, more updates to come.
Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but here we are, only one day before Christmas. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, as of midnight it will officially be Christmas day and we shall awaken and open our presents and eat fried eggs and fatty breakfast meats and watch the Christmas day parade. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, or even, for that matter, afoot of ourselves. Today is the day before Christmas, which means that tonight is Christmas Eve. I wonder how Eve feels about having an entire night dedicated to her, Christmastime-wise? I will be updating these here notes throughout the day, as I prepare for my Christmas do. The updates will appear right here where you're currently reading, and what you're currently reading will simply move down and this page will become unseemingly long and I shall be bitch-slapped by the errant and truant Mr. Mark Bakalor, who apparently has better things to do than hang around with the likes of us.
Before we all click on the Unseemly Button below, let me congratulate our first Unseemly Trivia Contest winner - the first one to guess the correct answer, and our High Winner. There were many subsequent people who guessed correctly, too, and they will be mentioned here as well. What we have gleaned from our first Unseemly Trivia Contest is that the question was too damned easy, so Mr. David Levy has promised me that next week's question will be a corker, whatever the hell that is. And so, without further ado - our High Winner is: J.M. Kauffman. Mr. Kauffman has won a special handy-dandy prize which will be sent to him without further ado as soon as he e-mails his address. Our subsequent winners were: Paul Fairie, Anita Newton, jc, William Lurie, Michael Shayne and Jed. Congratulations to one and all and also all and one. The answer to the trivia question can be found by going to the end of yesterday's notes. There it sits like yesterday's mashed potatoes. And, if you missed this weekend's notes, I heartily recommend you use the Unseemly Archive Button above to read them immediately, as we had a good deal of pithy fun at many people's expense. Once you errant and truant dear readers are through perusing this weekend's notes, you may click on the Unseemly Button below and off you will go, whisked to a magic land of dates and figs. The rest of us may click without further ado.
- Monday, December 24, 2001 @ 09:30 AM PST
Sunday, December 23, 2001
Well, dear readers, not that we're counting or anything, but it is a mere two days before Christmas. Soon we will all be singing our various and sundried fa la la la las and Oh, come all ye faithfuls and Hark! the herald angels sings. Just what is a herald angels anyway? I've heard of Harold Angels, who was a well-known underworld numbers runner, and personal friend to Joey Tangerines. Harold especially liked to run the number ten. He could be seen running that number all around Chicago, day in and day out and also day out and day in. The problem with Harold Angels, of course, was that he ended up spilling his guts to the Feds. Harkino "Winnebago" D'Costa found out about it when his friend Sonny "Mortadella" Spigoni said to him, "Hark! Da Harold Angels sing - he talkin' to Fed" (D'Acosta's English left something to be desired). Later, Harold Angels was mercilessly gunned down by Ernesto "Ernie" Ernestino, the legendary hit man, the number one hit man, whose number one hit was the novelty song "Pete's A Eatin' The Pizza", a lively tarantella. I have lost the point, dear readers. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I no longer have any idea what the point is. I have gone off on a tangent and cannot return until we all click the Unseemly Button below.
- Sunday, December 23, 2001 @ 10:56 AM PST
Saturday, December 22, 2001
Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but it is a mere three days before Christmas, and the creatures are stirring including the mouse. The mouse, by the way, is currently sitting on my brand spanking new handy-dandy haineshisway.com mousepad.You will notice that the title of today's notes is "Subject". Every morning when I begin to write my notes, I have to go to a special page which Mr. Mark Bakalor has kindly set up for me. This page is called "Add A New Entry" and the first thing one sees on this page is "Subject" and a place to type a title. And every morning I sit and I stare at "Subject" and think, "How the hell do I know what the subject is", and yet every day I must come up with a title, because I am one of those people who can't start the "Main Entry Text" (what you are reading now), unless they have the "Subject" title first. Hence, I have taken the easy way out today and simply called "Subject" "Subject". So, the first Subject we shall get to is this: Why are there people outside trimming trees rather noisily at eight o'clock in the morning? This is Saturday, after all, a day in which people like to sleep in, but how can anyone sleep in with that fershluganah tree trimming going on? It sounds like a forest is being cut down out there. Grinding, sawing, motors awhirl, it's very very very loud and I simply can't think, let alone sleep, which is why I took the easy way out and used "Subject" as the title for these here notes, because the noise is driving me insane and I'm about to go out there and yell "SHUT UP WITH YOUR INFERNAL TREE-TRIMMING NOISES YOU BUNCH OF TREE-TRIMMING CRETINS", but I shan't, no I shan't, because it is the Christmas season and it would be Scrooge-like for me to go out there and yell "SHUT UP WITH YOUR INFERNAL TREE-TRIMMING NOISES YOU BUNCH OF TREE-TRIMMING CRETINS" and has anyone noticed that this has turned into one of those infernal tree-trimming run-on sentences but do not blame me blame those infernal tree-trimming cretins because I cannot think with all that infernal noise going on and hence cannot even figure out where to put a period not to mention a semi-colon or any other unseemly punctuation but wait the noise has quite suddenly abated and heavenly silence is but wait the noise has started up again and damn their eyes for doing this on a Saturday morning when everyone is trying to sleep in and maybe if we all click on the Unseemly Button below we can make them stop stop stop their infernal tree-trimming and accompanying noises and even find a period in the bargain so quick on the count of three let's all click one two three
- Saturday, December 22, 2001 @ 09:13 AM PST
Friday, December 21, 2001
Well, dear readers, not that we're keeping track or anything, but has anyone around here noticed that there are but a mere four days left until Christmas? Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, there are but a mere four days left until Christmas. Therefore, I thought this would be a good day to tell you what my simple Christmas wish is. But, before we get to that, isn't it about time I did some Christmas shopping? After all, there are but a mere four days left until Christmas, and here I am, sitting like so much fish, having not bought one single present for one single person. Perhaps tomorrow I shall go out and buy some Christmas presents, because tomorrow there will be but a mere three days left until Christmas.It's very rainy here in Studio City, California. Last night I ate sushi. I do not like sushi, at least the raw what is it fish kind, but I do like the shrimp and California Roll kind, and that is what I ate. Last night I dreamt I was at Manderly. Last night I ate a cheese slice. The rain was pouring down and I ate sushi and a cheese slice and I dreamt I was at Manderly. What am I, Harold Pinter all of a sudden? What kind of a paragraph is this? It's full of weird fragmented sentences and thoughts, and filled with pregnant pauses. I wish those pauses would start to use birth control, because we're all a bit tired of them getting endlessly pregnant. Yes, they get pregnant and then give birth to all those little pauses we know so well. And those little pauses grow up to be big pauses and then they get pregnant and then the whole Circle of Life, pregnant pause-wise, begins afresh.
What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, my simple Christmas wish. In order to find out what my simple Christmas wish is, however, we will all have to click on that Unseemly Button below. But, I am issuing a SPOILER ALERT right here and right now and also right now and right here - there will be no humor in the paragraph which contains my simple Christmas wish. Humor will hopefully continue in the paragraph following it, but my simple Christmas wish is serious. Click away.
- Friday, December 21, 2001 @ 09:51 AM PST
Thursday, December 20, 2001
Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but we are a mere six days from Christmas. Recently, during this festive Christmas season, I have been on a bacon kick. I have been making bacon and then kicking it to and fro and hither and thither and occasionally even yon and what fun it is. If you haven't kicked any bacon recently, you are in for a treat. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, my bacon kick. I have been having BLTs, dear readers, and BLTs with avacado, bacon and eggs and bacon all by its very own self. Bacon, bacon, bacon. However, last night I overdosed on bacon, when I had the humungous BLT at Art's deli. I am now a member of BEA (Bacon Eaters Anonymous) and am happily on the road to being a recovering bacon addict.As those who peruse these here notes on a daily basis know, yesterday I attended a recording session wherein my song, When You're Waiting For Love, was recorded for Miss Lisa Richard's new album. After having produced 130 albums in the last seven or eight years, it was very nice to not really have to do anything but sit and enjoy the music-making. My wonderful orchestrator David Siegel did the chart on my song, and, as usual, his work was simply lovely. Miss Lisa Richard hasn't done the vocal yet, but I know she'll do a lovely job with it.
And what has any of this to do with today's title, The Green Envelope? Well, I suppose we'll all have to just click that damnable Unseemly Button below to find out.
- Thursday, December 20, 2001 @ 10:02 AM PST
Wednesday, December 19, 2001
Well, dear readers, even though we're not counting down, has anyone noticed that Christmas is but a mere six days from now? I, of course, have not bought one single present, although I have been sending out Christmas cards. I shall have to get off my butt cheeks and go a'shopping butt soon.On the first day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
A Partridge in a Pear Tree.
What does that mean? Why would my true love give me a Partridge? And which Partridge? Keith? Laurie? Shirley? And what's with the Pear Tree? My true love went and unearthed a Pear Tree and brought it to me in a truck? What kind of true love is this? She couldn't buy a wallet? She couldn't buy socks? Well, dear readers, here I sit, like so much fish, pondering the imponderables as always. I would just like to know what the hell my true love was thinking, frankly. And that wasn't all my true love bought me. But to find out what else my fershluganah true love bought me, you'll just have to click on the Unseemly Button below.
- Wednesday, December 19, 2001 @ 08:02 AM PST
Tuesday, December 18, 2001
Well, dear readers, the absent Mr. Mark Bakalor is back(alor) with more of his handy-dandy stats. And, as always, they are very interesting. For example, traffic is indeed up on the weekends (thanks to you, dear readers), although down from the week's traffic. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, traffic is up yet down, but I'm happy about the traffic, so there you are. The stats that are really interesting, however, are the radio show stats. They are downright perplexing. I wouldn't mind so much if they were downleft perplexing, but why do these stats always insist on doing everything downright? How about downcenter for a change, you stupid stupid stats? Where was I? Oh, yes, the downright perplexing radio show stats. Before I get to those downright perplexing radio show stats, let me say that someone posted last night and thought I perhaps was castigating some dear readers. I would never castigate any dear readers, after all, that would be unseemly. I was merely sitting and wondering, Where Have All The Readers Gone?. But I was not castigating. That would be downright or upleft unseemly.Now, to those downright perplexing radio show stats. Oh, you know the routine, let's all make Mr. Mark Bakalor happy and click the Unseemly Button below so we can all find out about those downright perplexing radio show stats. On the count of three... One, two, three
- Tuesday, December 18, 2001 @ 09:14 AM PST
Monday, December 17, 2001
Well, dear readers, I thought it would be very exciting to have a countdown to Christmas. For example, it is now eight days until Christmas, or seven days until Christmas Eve. Well, maybe it's not very exciting. Maybe it's not even halfway exciting. It's kind of stupid, really, when you think about it, which I am. That is just about the stupidest thing, a countdown to Christmas. I'm dropping that idea right here and now and also right now and here because it is just so unrelentingly stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I hope the "idea" doesn't get bruised whilst I'm dropping it - that would be unseemly, a bruised idea. Well, since I'm doing the dropping, I suppose it should be a Bruced idea. What the hell am I talking about?By the way, if you missed any of the weekend ramblings, I suggest you stop reading these here notes immediately, and click the Unseemly Archive Button located at the top of the page. Once there, I suggest you catch up - there are thing I shall refer to in today's notes that will harken back to things I brought up in the weekend notes, and you will simply not know what the hell I'm talking about unless you are caught up and in the loop. You will not be in the loop if you are not caught up and if you are not caught up you will not be in the loop. It will be as if you are flailing about in a large pool without knowing how to swim. You will be flailing wildly because you are in a large pool and not in the loop, which, by the way, is pool spelled backwards. And, for those who were wondering, "flailing" spelled backwards is "gnilialf". Certainly I am flailing about wildly in these here notes.
Oh, perhaps we should just get it over with and click that damnable Unseemly Button below.
- Monday, December 17, 2001 @ 10:06 AM PST
Sunday, December 16, 2001
Well, dear readers, yesterday someone pointed out that we were supposed to have trivia questions on Saturday, and by gum and by golly if that isn't correct. And yet, we didn't have a trivia question on Saturday, but by gum and by golly we will next Saturday. I had asked Mr. David Levy to contribute the trivia questions, since he's excellent at that sort of thing, but I forgot to tell him when to contribute, so there he was, sitting on his butt cheeks just waiting, waiting, like Nancy Walker in Do Re Mi. But now we're on track, trivia-wise, so next week we will have a trivia question on Saturday, and you may submit your answers and the first person to submit a correct answer will win a sparkling prize.Last night, I dreamt I was at Manderly, but before that I was taken for a belated birthday dinner by my friends, The Redmans, Nick and Nectar, and their beautiful daughter Rebecca. We went to a place called Moonshadows in Malibu. We had a lot of fun and ate lots of good food.
Another dear reader misses my theater reviews from days of old. I miss them, too, but the fact is I haven't really seen anything since my last trip to New York in August. But I shall endeavor to do a 2001 wrap up at the end of the year - and I'll capsule review everything I saw this year, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Oops, time to click the Unseemly Button below, before we all become Unseemly Above.
- Sunday, December 16, 2001 @ 09:57 AM PST
Saturday, December 15, 2001
Well, dear readers, it occured to me that I have not even mentioned that it is nearing Christmas. Tis the season to be jolly, and here we haven't even fa la la la lad yet. That is simply heinous (heinous, do you hear me?). I mean, here it is, the season to be jolly, and we should be singing Christmas Carols. And, as long as we're singing Christmas Carols, shouldn't we be singing Christmas Sharons and Christmas Susans, too? Why does Carol get all the singing and fame and glory? Don't get me wrong, I like Carol as much as the next person, but I think we've got to spread the fame and glory to other women and men, too. This year, I will not only be singing Christmas Carols, I will be singing Christmas Arnolds and Christmas Yvonnes as well, and no one can stop me from doing so, not even by serving me legal papers. What the hell am I talking about?Last night I dreamed I was at Manderly, but before that I dined with two delightful dear readers, Laura, and her charming daughter Sandra, who were in town to see the Forever Plaid Christmas show. Sandra is the number one Plaid fan in the entire world (a true Plaidette), and Laura is the number one fan of Sandra. They are both the number one fan of Mr. Jason Graae, and I'd met them at his Cinegrill appearance in September. Upon meeting them, I insisted that they also be my number one fan, and, in fact, I threatened to throw rice pudding on them unless they complied with my request. Happily for all, they did. To read further about our dining experience, you'll simply have to click that darn Unseemly Button Below.
- Saturday, December 15, 2001 @ 09:40 AM PST
Friday, December 14, 2001
Well, dear readers, I am back home, smoke-free once again. Just to give you the rest of the trip details (in Reader's Digest form): We had a spot of breakfast, a spot of craps (broke even at that session) and then checked out of the hotel, cabbed to airport, flew home. I immediately took a shower to try to rid myself of smokiness, but I still smelled it throughout the evening - thankfully, this morning I seem to not smell it one or even two whits.Here is something interesting which has come to light. I always like when something interesting comes to light, because why should something interesting always be in the damn dark? In any case, the something interesting that has come to light is this: There were exactly half the listeners for the second radio show than there were for the first. Isn't that interesting, and aren't we glad it came to light? Where did the other half of the listeners go? Into a black hole? Mr. Mark Bakalor, the stats expert, feels it's because we got the word out better on that first show. Well, loyal and true Hainsies, we must get the word out again, stronger, with more elan. And speaking of Elan, just where is he? And why isn't he getting the word out? My opinion on this matter is that we need guests, interesting guests. That wasn't possible on the second show, and may not be possible on the third show, but we will most definitely have guests on the fourth show, that is a promise. In any case, I shall let you know the theme of the third show over the weekend, as soon as someone bothers to tell me what it is. Otherwise, Mr. Mark Bakalor tells me that our readership is growing and we will soon be taking over the entire universe and environs.
Would you like to know what was waiting for me when I arrived home yesterday? Well, I'll tell you what was waiting for me when I arrived home yesterday, but I will not tell you in this section - no, to find out what was waiting for me when I arrived home yesterday, you will simply have to click the Unseemly Button below.
- Friday, December 14, 2001 @ 09:26 AM PST
Thursday, December 13, 2001
Well, dear readers, I shall be leaving the city known as Las Vegas in a few hours. Let me fill you in on the rest of The Las Vegas Story. As you know, I did a last minute update to these here notes last night (if you missed it merely click the Unseemly Archive Button above and you will be whisked away to the Unseemly Archives), and in that update I updated you to the fact that I had eaten. Then eaten again. Then eaten some more. I also took in a movie. Have you ever taken in a movie? Sometimes movies are lonely so I always take one in if I see them out wandering about. In any case, I took in a movie called Spy Game (there are movie theaters right here in this very hotel). It was very bad, I thought, but I do enjoy Robert Redford, so it wasn't a total waste. Big, vapid, loud, muddled, strangely structured and endlessly trying to be hip, photography and editing-wise.After the film we went to the La Louisiane restaurant here in the hotel, and I had a rather spectacular hunk of fried catfish over crawfish etoufee and rice. Then David and I shared a rather spectacular bread pudding. Then they brought over a dolly and wheeled me out of the restaurant. We played a little craps (well, David played - we partnered funds) and we won. So far, I have the exact same money I arrived with, so all the meals have basically been free. I had played a spot of poker earlier, and, after two hours I'd... TEASER ALERT.... TEASER ALERT... CLICK UNSEEMLY BUTTON BELOW... CLICK UNSEEMLY BUTTON BELOW...
- Thursday, December 13, 2001 @ 09:15 AM PST
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
Here is the promised update, dear readers. I have eaten more food. And after that, I ate more food. Later, I shall most likely eat more food. And then perhaps David and I will hit the craps tables, although what the craps tables did to deserve being hit - well, actually, if one loses the craps tables deserve to be hit, don't they now? Well, until tomorrow then.Well, dear readers, here I am, live from Las Vegas, and having fun. My throat is a bit raw this morning because of all the smoke. That is the problem with Las Vegas. It's not just second-hand smoke, it's like someone has smoked sixteen packs and blown the smoke down your very own throat. In fact, I should think Las Vegas is the smoke capitol of the world. Sure, you can ask for a non-smoking room, but by the time you get up to it, you are smoked like a ham. I am one smoked bk, I will tell you that.
We arrived at two o'clock yesterday, and immediately checked in to our rooms, then went downstairs and had a spot of lunch. Well, it wasn't exactly a "spot" of lunch, it was a whole blob of lunch. I had the amusing Fried Catfish Po' Boy and fries. We then went to a craps table and David immediately won one hundred dollars. I watched. Then I went to the poker room and got seated at a seven card stud game. That is because I have always fancied myself a seven card stud. I sat there for quite some time and played seven card stud, which is the best thing to do when you're in a seven card stud game. It wasn't much of a game however, but to find out how I did you'll have to click the unseemly button below.
- Wednesday, December 12, 2001 @ 10:17 AM PST
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
Well, dear readers, we'll have to keep these here notes on the short side today, because I must get ready to go to the city known as Las Vegas. I'm being taken there for my birthday by my friend and we shall have fun, perhaps even fun-and-a-half. I will be writing tomorrow's notes "on location" and they will be on the long side to make up for these here notes which will be on the short side. If you put together today's and tomorrow's notes, they will be on the medium side. I think that about covers it, side-wise, don't you, dear readers?Last night I watched a DVD at Manderly. Which DVD did I watch? Well, to find out, simply click the Unseemly Button below and you shall be illuminated. Oh, yes, you shall be illuminated.
- Tuesday, December 11, 2001 @ 08:07 AM PST
Monday, December 10, 2001
Well, dear readers, I am writing this entry the night before the day it is to appear. I am doing this because I have an early morning appointment where I will be dealing with annoying things. Once I am done dealing with annoying things I have a lunch meeting where I will be eating whilst meeting. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I have an eating meeting. Then I will finally get back to my very own home to do my very own things. It is slightly surreal writing tomorrow's entry today, although today is tomorrow, hence tomorrow is today. This is known as a time/space continuum, but we will pay it no mind. First of all, I'm not paying "it" anything, because "it" hasn't even used the handy-dandy donation button to make a handy-dandy donation. Consequently, I'm not paying it no mind or anything else. It is just "it" with an "sh" in front of it, out of luck. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, the time/space continuum and we will pay it no mind or anything else of value.I do hope you'll take the time to listen to Mr. Donald Feltham's brand new radio show - just click on the unseemly radio show button over there on your left and you will hear it through the magic of RealAudio or whatever the hell we use here at haineshisway.com. Those matters are far too technical for the likes of me. This week's show concentrates on all the currently playing musicals in New York, from downtown to uptown. Lots of showtunes from new musicals and revivals.
Tomorrow (the real tomorrow, meaning tomorrow Tuesday, even though the real tomorrow right this minute is tomorrow Monday - but the real tomorrow, meaning tomorrow Tuesday I shall be writing these notes quite early in the morning because then I will be off to Las Vegas, Nevada for a brief respite. I will, in fact, be writing the Wednesday notes "on location" from handy-dandy Las Vegas. If any of our dear readers live in Las Vegas, come visit me at the Orleans Hotel.
Not many people visited today - uh, I mean yesterday. So, click the Unseemly Archive Button to see what important bits of tid you may have missed. I suppose the reason for the light traffic was because you were all recuperating from our big birthday bash of Saturday. Now, just wait a minute here. Just hold the phone here. Just stop the presses here. Just what the hell do I think I'm doing here? This is far too much writing for the Main Entry Text. Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear, there'll be a bitch-slapping for sure. I'm giving away the whole damn show here, when I should be teasing and making you salivate and drool to find out just what's behind that Unseemly Button below. Well, let's all click on it and find out, shall we?
- Monday, December 10, 2001 @ 12:12 AM PST
Sunday, December 9, 2001
Well, dear readers, thanks to you I had a perfectly marvelous birthday. Last night, Vinnie "Shaft, baby, Shaft" Cirilli and his girl friend Stephanie, took me to the Eclectic Cafe in NoHo California. Last time I was in NoHo it was called North Hollywood - I used to call it No Hollywood. In any case, I enjoyed the Eclectic Cafe very much - good service, good food, good Diet Cokes. I was a bit disappointed that there were no cheese slices or ham chunks on the menu (but then I'd already had my fill of same), but the linguini with hot sausage (not very hot) was most excellent, as was the Caesar Salad and the warm pecan pie with three count them three dollops of whipped cream. I always feel guilty eating whipped cream, because frankly what the hell did the cream do that was so bad that it had to be whipped? In any case, it was a lovely evening. When I got home, I watched half of Seperate Tables, a nice movie with Deborah Kerr, David Niven, Gladys Cooper, Burt Lancaster, Rita Hayworth and Wendy Hiller. I'll watch the rest of it this afternoon.This morning I will be... Oops (spoo, spelled backwards), I mustn't tell you what I will be doing this morning, not in this section - no, we all must go through our daily ritual now - on the count of three...
Wait a minute - if there's a Count of Three is there an Earl of Two or a Duke of Four? We know there's a Duke of Earl, but is there a Lord of Eight? Stop me, stop me... Now, on the count of three, let's all push the Unseemly Button below. One, two, three
- Sunday, December 9, 2001 @ 10:05 AM PST
Saturday, December 8, 2001
Well, dear readers, here we are on December 8, 2001. Many years ago, on this very day, a young lad was born, and that young lad was none other than me. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I was both born and a young lad, not necessarily at the same time. So, I think this calls for a celebration, don't you? Well, of course I think it calls for a celebration, why wouldn't I? So, put on your pointy birthday hats, break out the Diet Coke, cheese slices and ham chunks and let's have a damn celebration. Let's celebrate until the cow's come home. And just when are those damn cows coming home? Frankly, I haven't seen those damn cows in days and I'm a bit worried about them. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, 12/8 and what it means.I have a distinct memory of going to see Mr. Stanley Kubrick's 2001 in 1968 at the old Warner Cinerama Theater on Hollywood Blvd. And I remember going home to the rather horrid place I was living in at the time and thinking, "2001 - that's so far away, will I even be here in 2001". Well, apparently the answer is "yes", because, lo these many years later, here I am. But enough self-reflection and deep thoughts, this is a celebration, damn it all, damn it all to hell. This is a time for cheese slices and ham chunks and fatty meats and churros. I mentioned one of my childhood heroes, Sheriff John, the other day, and how he would wish kids in Los Angeles a happy birthday, live on his show. Then he used to sing his Birthday Song. I don't know if the Sheriff is still with us, but nothing would please me more than if he were here to sing the following:
Put another candle on my birthday cake.
We're gonna bake a birthday cake.
Put another candle on my birthday cake,
I'm another year old today.
We'll have some pie and sandwiches
And choc'late ice cream, too;
We'll sing and play the day away,
And one more thing I'm gonna do...
I'll blow out the candles on my birthday cake,
And when I do, a wish I'll ma-ake...
Put another candle on my birthday cake -
I'm another year old today.
Thanks to "P" for posting that the other day. Holy moley on rye, look at the size of this tease text. It is unwieldy. Oh, yes, this tease text is unwieldy and now I will be bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor, because birthday or no birthday we must never have an unwieldy tease text. So, eat a cheese slice and hurry and click the Unseemly Button below so we can continue our big birthday bash.
- Saturday, December 8, 2001 @ 09:44 AM PST
Friday, December 7, 2001
Well, dear readers, the suspense is killing me. Why is the suspense killing me? What did I ever do to the suspense that it should want to perpetrate a homicide on me? That is just heinous (heinous, do you hear me?), suspense-wise. In any case, I am being murdered by the suspense because I'm all atwitter to know just whose birthday is coming up shortly. Not coming up longly, mind you, no I'm all atwitter to know just whose birthday is coming up shortly. But before we get to that, let's send a big birthday wish to today's birthday girl, Jane Lassner. I've known Jane since high school, and we reconnect every few years. She found these here notes on the very day I mentioned Miss Susan Gordon, and she's the one responsible for contacting Miss Susan Gordon and the rest is history. An amazing series of coincidences, don't you think? In any case, Happy Birthday Jane (still happily married to high school sweetheart Keith, thirty-two years later!). Now, all you other Hainsies, don't forget to e-mail me your birthday information as the day approaches, so you can be mentioned right here in bk's notes II.The suspense is still killing me, by the way - I think suspense is a little too into this killing thing, don't you? I think suspense gets off on this killing thing, don't you? Now, just who in tarnation has a birthday coming up shortly? Well, since this is the "tease" you'll just have to click on the Unseemly Button below to find out.
- Friday, December 7, 2001 @ 10:20 AM PST
Thursday, December 6, 2001
Well, dear readers, I am in a state of flux. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I, bk, am in a state of flux. And here I thought I was in a state of California. I do not like being in a state of flux? I say a pox on those who cause people to be in a state of flux. Yes, I am decreeing a pox flux on those noxious few who cause flux to the peoples of the world, which, of course, would include me, who is, by the way, in a state of flux. I am also in a state of high dudgeon, whatever the hell that is. These are not states I would advise anyone to visit. Perhaps if I ate some lox I would not feel I was in a state of flux. Maybe I'll eat some lox, then decree a pox upon those who cause the flux. Or, perhaps I'll enclose those who cause flux in a box and inside the box I'll put the lox and the pox. Or, better yet, perhaps I'll just drop an ox on the box, thereby smashing the box, lox and pox along with the the state of flux. Perhaps I should just enter detox, because perhaps I am crazy. Yes, crazy like a fox, who is in a state of flux. Next thing you know I'll be babbling on about the chalice from the palace and the pellet with the poison and the vessel with the pestle and the brew that is true. Or is it the flagon with the dragon?Oh, boy, am I going to get bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor, or what? This is supposed to be the tease, and here I have written a novella entitled The State of Flux. Oh, it is all so unseemly, that I think the only thing one can do is to click on the Unseemly Button below and move on to greener pastures.
- Thursday, December 6, 2001 @ 09:38 AM PST
Wednesday, December 5, 2001
Well, dear readers, the good news is that the radio problems have been rectified and all is well. I'll announce the next show's theme very shortly, but it will be up and running next Monday as planned. And just what does that have to do with soup you may ask, and I may tell you because why should you be in the dark, soup-wise. It has nothing whatsoever to do with soup, that's what. The fact is I was looking at a can of soup last night and I began to wonder just who the hell came up with the name "soup". It's such a stupid-looking word, isn't it? It just lays there like so much fish, doesn't it? On the face of it, it looks like someone somewhere had the bright idea to take the words "so" and "up" and to put them together for no reason whatsoever. And then they decided they'd pronounce the new word in a way that makes no sense given the spelling of the word. "Soooooop" would be the obvious correct spelling. But, as it turns out, I was quite wrong. I did a little research on the internet and here is what I found... Oh, did you think I was going to tell you what I found in this section? This section, according to Mr. Mark Bakalor, is the tease, so I'm afraid you will have to click on the Unseemly Button below to find out what I learned about the history of the word "soup".
- Wednesday, December 5, 2001 @ 10:00 AM PST
Tuesday, December 4, 2001
Well, dear readers, they say be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. First of all, who is this "they"? Why are "they" always saying things? I'm a little tired of "they", aren't you? In any case, "they" say be careful what you wish for because you just might get it, and that is, in fact, what has happened (therefore proving "they" right, damn them all, damn them all to hell).What we wished for was to have The Broadway Radio Show be wildly successful. And, if our premiere show is anything to go by, we have been wildly successful. And therein lies the titular conundrum. Have you ever had a titular conundrum? It's an odd experience, rather like eating Bratwurst. Where was I? Oh, yes, the wildly successful The Broadway Radio Show and The Titular Conundrum. But first, according to the Law of Mr. Mark Bakalor, I must tease, because this little splash page section is just supposed to be a tease, a ploy (yolp, spelled backwards), a gambit to get you to click the Unseemly Button Which Isn't A Button (UBWIAB for short) and get to the main text. One of these days I'm going to break the damn Law of Mr. Mark Bakalor and write the entire notes right here. That will teach him a thing or two. But for now, let me tease - I'm wearing a pair of Nike Shorts (my Guy Haines boxers haven't arrived yet, damn them, damn them all to hell) and a t-shirt (my bedtime attire) and my legs look quite supple this morning, quite supple indeed. If you could only see my quite supple legs, I'm quite sure you would..
- Tuesday, December 4, 2001 @ 09:24 AM PST
Monday, December 3, 2001
Well, dear readers, here we are, on the first Monday in December. And an event-filled Monday it is. Why, you might ask, is it an event-filled Monday, and I might tell you why because why should I keep things from you? Today is an event-filled Monday because it's the premiere of our very own brand spanking new handy-dandy The Broadway Radio Show with Donald Feltham. All you have to do to hear The Broadway Radio Show is to go over to what Mr. Mark Bakalor amusingly calls "the nav bar" and click on the unseemly radio show icon and voila, you will be whisked away to a magical page where you will click on something else and then after all that clicking, you will be treated to today's special guest Miss Susan Egan. You will also hear several songs from Miss Susan Egan's upcoming JAY Records album, which will not be released until next March.The other event-filled Monday thing is... Oh, yes, I must tease. Have you ever wanted to be in Guy Haines' shorts? Come on, admit it, you know you have. Well...
- Monday, December 3, 2001 @ 09:08 AM PST
Sunday, December 2, 2001
Well, dear readers, here we are on a Sunday, and although the weekend traffic remains light, haineshisway.com-wise, the loyal few shall have their Sunday entry because one must simply be loyal to those who are loyal.Yesterday, I went grocery shopping at my beloved Gelson's Market, and whilst there picking up my usual assortment of health-conscious foods such as no-fat gram hot dogs, lite hot dog buns, no-fat gram cheese slices, ham chunks and other oddities, I happened to pass by the nuts section. I rarely give the nuts section a second glance because nuts, as any health conscious person knows, are filled with unseemly fat grams. Oops, aren't I supposed to be teasing? Well, let me tell you about the nuts I saw...
- Sunday, December 2, 2001 @ 10:42 AM PST
Saturday, December 1, 2001
Well, dear readers, let me tell you of a heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) thing. For the last two months I have received 9:15am wake-up calls on Saturday and Sunday. That would be fine and dandy and also dandy and fine if I'd wanted wake-up calls at 9:15 every Saturday and Sunday. However, I didn't arrange for these wake-up calls, I didn't ask for these wake-up calls, I didn't program in these wake-up calls. Hence, I do not want these wake-up calls and yet I'm getting these wake-up calls. Now, I know that many of my dear readers are technologolically literate rather than technologically challenged like myself. Oops, aren't I supposed to be teasing here? Oh, dear, now I shall be bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor (and doesn't he like bitch-slapping just a little too much?). Very well, here we go. My feet are sans socks and gratuitiously naked, each toe exposed for all to see. They're exquisite feet really, and look quite handsome in the morning light. Are you thinking about my feet right now? Are you? I am. My goodness, I hope all of you aren't too hot and bothered so early in the morning, but if you are merely click the Unseemly Button Which Isn't A Button below, because I'm through teasing.
- Saturday, December 1, 2001 @ 10:41 AM PST
October 2003 / May 2003 / May 2002
Entries
SOMETHING IS STIRRING
IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD
LOST AND FOUND
SAVING MEG RYAN
THE NON-ABATING CACOPHONY
OOPS, I FORGOT THE TITLE AGAIN
I DO! I DO!
WHAT A PIECE OF WORK WAS YESTERDAY
THE SITE THAT WASN'T
OCTOBERFEST
SKIMMING THE LAST OF SEPTEMBER
THE VERY INFORMATIVE MONDAY NOTES
THE INVIGORATING WHATNOT
THE YESTERDAY OF TODAY
IS THAT ALL THERE IS?
ALL THAT JAZZ
TORRANCE OF ARCADIA
PUNDITS, WITS, AND WAGS
TITLE TIME
THE BIRTHDAY PARTY
THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME
OOPS, I ALMOST FORGOT A TITLE
THE CONUNDRUM OF BK'S NOTES II
WITH HOT FUDGE ON TOP
TO CHAT OR NOT TO CHAT
THE BUSY DAYS AHEAD
THE NO-FLY ZONE
THE ZEN ZONE
TAKING THE HORNS BY THE BULL
THE ME NOTES
I'M SO EXCITED
WHAT ELSE CAN I TELL YOU?
MONDAYS ARE FOR OVERSLEEPING
SUNDAYS AND SUBWAYS ARE FOR SLEEPING
A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS
THE ONE MINUTE NOTES
WHAT, NO PARTY?
THEY LOVE ME, THEY LOVE ME NOT
TWENTY-FOUR HOUR PARTY PEOPLE
TRY TO REMEMBER
CRASH
THE LABOR PARTY
PRANCING ABOUT LIKE A WOOD NYMPH
A PARAGRAPH OF NO IMPORTANCE
OLD DEVIL NOTES
BARTENDER, MAKE IT A DOUBLE
THE LESBIAN VAMPIRE
THE LAUNDRY LIST
THE RETURN OF THE UNSEEMLY TRIVIA CONTEST
SENTIMENTAL ME
THE FORMATIVE STAGES
MOLTO AGITATO IN A LATHER
THE LESSON
I'LL BE THERE WITH BELLS ON
TOO DARN HOT
THE PAST, THE PRESENT, AND THE FUTURE
BLACKOUT
WHAT, NO DIET COKE?
OFF-THE-CUFF
THE SMELT IN A PELT
THE MIX MASTER
THE TECHNICOLOR OZ
MORE MERE
MEN WITH BIG MACHINES
THE POSTING FRENZY
THE NIGHT OUT
HAVE I MENTIONED?
THE FIRST MONDAY IN AUGUST
THE HOT HOUSE
THE INTERNAL CLOCK
THE FIRST OF AUGUST
THE CASUALLY FORMAL NOTES
JULY IS BUSTIN' OUT ALL OVER
THE PARTY'S NOT OVER
HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
IT'S PARTY TIME
SHE OF THE EVIL EYE
YES, VIRGINIA, IT'S FRIDAY
JIGGY WITH THE JOURNAL
SPARKLE AND FIZZ
I GET A KICK
THE SPLENDIDLY SPLENDID LIVE CHAT AND OTHER MATTERS
THE NOTES THAT WENT UP LATE
YUMMILICIOUS
A LITTLE EXPERIMENT
DARK CHOCOLATE NUTS AND CHEWS
THE THOROUGH PIG
BK, CONSULTING DETECTIVE
THE CITY OF STUDIO
A SUNDAY KIND OF SUNDAY
THE BUSY DAY OFF
THE OAKS OF SHERMAN
THE HILLS OF BEVERLY
BOTOXING THE NOTES
AN iMAC NAMED SCHWARTZ
THE WAKE-UP CALL
RETURN OF THE FLY
THE STRANGE CASE OF THE REAPPEARING FLY
RED, WHITE AND BLUE PANTALOONS
THE LONGER LONG WEEKEND OR THE SHORTER LONG WEEKEND
IF IT'S TUESDAY IT MUST BE WEDNESDAY
OF CABBAGES AND KINGS
HOBNOBBING
RUBBING ELBOWS
CLIFF'S NOTES
THE KILLER BEES
THE FIELD TRIP
TRAINS AND BOATS AND PLANES
THE HIGHLY INFORMATIVE NOTES
THE MORNING AFTER
THE 600 CLUB
THE SWARM
DOING MARIA OUSPENSKAYA
THE ZOO STORY
THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE
THE DISAPPEARING THREAD
WITH A THONG IN MY HEART
PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES
THE FULL MOON AND WHAT IT MIGHT HAVE MEANT
FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH
THE AFTER-HOURS
THE BIRDS
THE MISSING FLASHBACK
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
SLEEPING LIKE A LOG
THE HOOTENANNY
THE RECORDING METAPHOR
THOROUGHLY MODERN BK
ON BEING TODAY
THE SECOND SESSION
THE FIRST SESSION
DAINTY JUNE
Ev'RY STREET'S A BOULEVARD IN OLD NEW YORK
THE TRIP
THE LIVELY AND SPARKLING SCREENING
LIDA ROSE
THE MINUTIAE OF LIFE
PHEASANT UNDER GLASS
JOE'S SPECIAL
THE SATURDAY REPORT
THE CAKE OR PASTA QUESTION
WE'RE HAVIN' A HEAT WAVE
THE WEST SIDE STORY
GETTING A BUZZ ON
MAKING TRACKS
THE MUSSO AND FRANK STORY
THE ORDER OF BUSINESS
ANATOMY OF A MURDER
THE RENTAL CAR
THE BODY SHOP
THE LITTLE MUNDANE TRIVIALITIES OF DAILY LIFE
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO INA BALIN?
GREETING THE DAY
THE DANGER OF CELL PHONES OR AN AFTERNOON VISIT
THE NOTES WHAT I WROTE
THE JAUNTY NOTES
CONVERGENCE
SOUPED UP HOT RODS
I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW
YESTERDAY WAS FUNNY
CUTE LITTLE PARGRAPHS AND THE ABATING RAIN
THE GYPSY EFFECT
THE LUSTY MONTH OF MAY
THE LAST OF APRIL
LAGGING BEHIND
CATCHING UP
CHILLER II
CHILLER
A NEW JERSEY STATE OF MIND
WHAT, NO OOMPH?
THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF SHRIFT
THE PARTY
THE LOW-FLYING HELICOPTER
RIPE WITH METAPHOR
CLIFF'S NOTES
THE CONSTANT SAW
WHAT, ANOTHER BIRTHDAY?
PERFECTLY MARVELOUS
A FINE HOW DO YOU DO
MORE IS LESS
ONLY TIME WILL TELL
THE WEATHER FORECAST
THE HURRYING AND SCURRYING NOTES
WEIRD SEED
HERETOFORE, THERETOFORE AND EVERYWHERETOFORE
THE IDLES OF APRIL
NOW I'VE GONE AND DONE IT
AS TRUE AS THE DAY IS LONG
FEDORA
THE MATING GAME
A DAY WITHOUT BLATHER
A LOVELY BIT OF NEWS
THESE FOOLISH THINGS
THE ATTACK OF THE ALLERGIES
THE LITTLE SUNDAY NOTES
THE DRY, PARCHED AND ARID NOTES
GONE WITH THE WIND
MY RALPH LAUREN'S ROMANCE
FOCUS, PLEASE
GOING BOLLYWOOD
THE BASH TO END THEM ALL
THE OSCAR BASH
BEING SKEEVED
I AM A VOTING MEMBER
A SLIGHT SETBACK
THE BEAUTIFUL LAND IS IN YOUR HEART
SO THE PUNDITS SAY
THE DAY AFTER
THE SUNDAY OF OUR 500th NOTES
THE RAINY NOTES
WHAT, NO DIVERTISSEMENTS?
THE DELETE BUTTON
INTO THE GYM
THE SPECIAL TREAT
MONDAY MADNESS
THE PRICE OF GAS LATELY
THE EVIL EYE
THE HEADCACHE
THE NEW WEBSITE OF ME
LIVELY AND SPARKLING DOINGS
THERE ARE DAYS AND THERE ARE DAYS
ADDING THE "E"
THE SUN FELL ON MY FACE
MARCHING TO THE TUNE OF A DIFFERENT DRUMMER WITH LOX
THE LAST OF FEBRUARY
NOTES WITHOUT CHEESE, LETTUCE AND TOMATOES
TIME, THE BITCH-GODDESS
NOTES WITH DIRECTIONS
THE ANNOYING POP-UP
MARCHING TOWARD MARCH
WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A BY-YOUR-LEAVE
THE FORTUNE COOKIE
THE NOT OK OKLAHOMA
THE MIRROR EFFECT
OVERTURE
RESTORATION
FOR EXAMPLE
ROUMANIAN ADVENTURE
NO MEAN FEET
THE RETURN OF THE SINGING BIRD
LISTEN TO THE RAIN ON THE ROOF
THE WORD GLITCH AND OTHER EVENTS
THE NON-FUNCTIONING BRAIN
BEING SGT. FRIDAY ON A SUNDAY
DISCOVERING MARJORIE HELLEN
A FEW ANNOUNCEMENTS
EATING OUR CURDS AND WHEY
QUICK WATSON, THE NOTES!
THE BIG SLEEP
ONCE UPON A TIME IN CYBERSPACE