Tonight, of course, we will be having our rockin’ New Year’s Eve celebration right here at haineshisway.com. Here, where it is safe and sound and where you may drink as much Diet Coke as you please and then not have to worry about a designated driver. We will, of course, be having cheese slices and ham chunks, we will be wearing our pointy rockin’ New Year’s Eve party hats, our colored tights and pantaloons and we will dance the Hora and also the Herky Jerky. Oh, what fun we shall be having, as we put away the old and bring in the new.

So, let us all click on the Unseemly Button below as we reminisce about 2002.

- Tuesday, December 31, 2002 @ 09:23 AM PST

Monday, December 30, 2002

We had a lovely room full of chatting people last night and we chatted until the cows came home and a good time was had by our various and sundried dear readers. Hey, has anyone around here noticed that it is one count them one day until we have a brand spanking New Year? I, frankly, find that astonishing. Where did the old year go, that’s what I want to know? This past year has been a real roller coaster ride and I will be talking about it extensively on our rockin’ New Year’s Eve celebration, both in notes and in hourly posts. I will be doing my year-end bests and we’ll be having the best New Year’s Eve party in town right here at haineshisway.com. So, be sure to stop by often!!! Because we’re the ginchiest!!! It’s gonna be so cool!!! What fun!!! What is with all that ridiculously stupid punctuation? Who would use punctuation like that? I must stop it this very minute!!!

Well, dear readers, why don’t we click on the Unseemly Button below so we can see if there’s any more unseemly punctuation going on!!!

- Monday, December 30, 2002 @ 08:23 AM PST

Sunday, December 29, 2002

Don’t forget, tonight at six o’clock Pacific Mean Time we will be having our final Unseemly Live Chat via AOL. After that, we shall have our very own sparkling haineshisway.com chat room. If we don’t have your AIM name please e-mail it to me by this afternoon so we can get you on the list. If the chat starts and you haven’t received your invite, e-mail me immediately right then and there – or post to the site and we’ll be checking quite often.

After my emotional yesterday, I sat on my couch like so much fish and watched three-and-a-half count them three-and-a-half motion pictures. First I watched a motion picture entitled One Hour Photo starring Mr. Robin Williams. I thought he was very good in it, but it was a rather pointless films, with too much film-school artsy direction (the score was especially bad). I then watched a motion picture entitled Blood Work, starring Mr. Clint Eastwood. I believe Blood Work is in the top echelon of Mr. Eastwood’s box-office failures – I’d read nothing but dismissive and obnoxious comments on the Internet, and most of the reviews were lukewarm, so I didn’t even go out to see it. Well, guess what? In my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo) it’s a real return to form for Mr. Eastwood, his best film since Unforgiven. It’s very much in the Don Siegel mold, and it moves right along and he’s terrific in it. It isn’t perfect by any means, but its faults are exactly the same faults as the book it’s based on – a less-than-stellar last twenty percent. In fact, the movie is a bit better in that regard, but it can’t overcome some bad plotting by the novelist, Michael Connelly. That small caveat aside, it’s just a good movie, no two ways about it. Very well directed – simple, to the point, so “D” word of the camera – professional in the best cinematic ways, which is more than I can say about ninety percent of what I see. The score by Eastwood regular Lennie Niehaus, is also top-notch.

I then watched the polar opposite of Blood Work – a motion picture entitled The Bourne Identity. If you enjoyed The Bourne Identity simply skip to the next paragraph. Because, frankly, I hated every last minute of The Bourne Identity. This director, Doug Liman, represents everything I hate about movies today. Hyped, inept direction, so over the top in every way that your mind goes numb after twenty minutes of being assaulted by his barrage of image and sound. His “style” is herky-jerky – he’ll do anything and he’ll do it poorly. Every closing of a door can be heard several continents away, the cutting is so jerky it’s nauseating and the score by John Powell is in that awful pounding mode. All that said, Mr. Robert Ludlum does write a good yarn (so good that it had already been filmed once before, and filmed better if you ask me) so the story is interesting. Matt Damon is his usual okay self, nothing more nothing less. The supporting cast has some of the worst performances I’ve ever seen – high school acting 101. The only saving grace of the entire film is Franka Potenta, the terrific young German star of Run, Lola, Run. If I were you (and I am) I’d avoid this puppy like the plague (or the “D” word).

Finally, I had to put on something good, so I chose Mr. John Frankenheimer’s political thriller, Seven Days in May. I’m only half-way through (I haven’t seen it since it came out in 1964), but what a terrific movie – great cast, great direction, sparse but great Jerry Goldsmith score. Whatever happened to Jerry Goldsmith? Can you imagine him scoring this same film today? Unthinkable. He would pump it up full of his banal overwrought themes (think Air Force One) and the whole affair would be disgusting.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Besides, it’s Sunday – not even that many Hainsies/Kimlets will be reading this.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below before I have the “D” word of these here notes.

- Sunday, December 29, 2002 @ 09:06 AM PST

Saturday, December 28, 2002

Also, on our walk this morning I noticed that Luckie was having a bit of diarrhea – can any of our dear reader dog owners tell me the best thing to do for such a thing? Has anyone noticed that I just used the word diarrhea in these here notes? That is so unseemly I don’t even know how to process that information.

I must keep these here notes short today because the cleaning lady will be here at any moment and Luckie will bark and give me a headache and she will bark right back and give me a headache and we’re all going to get the evil eye so I’ve got to vamoose, or, at the very least, vamelk. So, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below right this very minute.

- Saturday, December 28, 2002 @ 09:02 AM PST

Friday, December 27, 2002

Today I must write, write, write (that is three writes), after all I’m in the home stretch here and I must keep up the momentum. Perhaps I’ll hit some hay just to keep me percolated.

We had such a nice walk this morning that Luckie is lying on the floor like a wet noodle, totally out. My goodness, this week has flown by, hasn’t it? Soon, we will be having our rockin’ New Year’s Eve celebration and then it will be a brand spanking New Year. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because don’t I have excellent questions to answer?

- Friday, December 27, 2002 @ 09:42 AM PST

Thursday, December 26, 2002

Yesterday, I attended two count them two Christmas parties. The first was at my friend Nick’s and was an intimate affair, with his family, Nectar and beautiful daughter Rebecca. His godson was supposed to arrive at four, but hadn’t arrived by five-thirty so we ate. Said godson is very young and apparently an errant and truant youth. In any case we had a lovely repast and we even got party favors – I got a lovely whoopee whistle. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? I then headed over the hill to Cissy Wechter’s house and got there just in time to eat a second meal. I didn’t eat very much, of course, since I had already eaten like a pig at Nick’s. The Wechter kids put on a little Christmas recital which was fun, and then, at the end of it, Cissy asked me if I’d play and sing something. I was quite mortified at the thought (I so rarely do that sort of thing anymore – ten years ago you couldn’t keep me away from doing it), but I played and sang the only song I knew I wouldn’t forget the lyrics to, Chinese Food in Bed. I think I did okay because everyone clapped afterwards. I then came home, took Luckie for a nice long walk during which she did every bodily function known to man (and a few that aren’t known to man) and then I went to bed.

Today I am back on whatever diet I decide on (I will keep you posted on that news) and in the home stretch, novel-wise. Yesterday, I also happened to be at Tower and I saw Brent Barrett’s album (hard to find, however) for the first time (yes, Virginia, no one has had either the decency or the courtesy to send it to me) and do you know what I saw when I looked at the inlay card? I saw that for the first time in 130 albums my name does not appear as the producer of the album. It does appear, I am told, in the inside of the booklet, apparently alongside the credit for the “Executive Producer”. Now, at the time we did the album, Mr. Executive Producer was the payroll service, the contractor I’d employed for eight years. That was the service he performed on the album. Yet, there he is, sharing credit with me. I think that’s lovely, don’t you? I suppose what the idea is is to minimize my involvement with the album – hence, no producer thank yous, Brent wasn’t allowed (I mean he was forbidden) to thank me, and so on and so forth and also so forth and so on. I suppose that’s fine, though, because really, what did I have to do with the album? I just thought of the idea, brought it to Brent, did Brent’s deal, helped choose the material, helped finesse the arrangements, produced the album, mixed (with the brilliant Vinnie) the album, and so on and so forth and also so forth and so on. Of course, I expected to be treated with total disregard and I am happy and relieved that they did not disappoint me. I do hate to be disappointed and they have never let me down in this regard. By “this regard” I mean “disregard”. And lest anyone think this is a bitter diatribe (tone is ever so hard to know when dealing with typed words), think again. I harbor no bitterness and certainly no diatribe towards anyone. Peace on Earth, good will towards Men and Women, that’s what I say. I don’t necessary wish that to all creatures however, say the stirring mice, or the nattering weasels, or even the filthy rats. I do, of course, wish Peace on Earth and Good Will to all other creatures of the Earth.

My goodness, I do hope no one thought that was a long and bitter diatribe because it wasn’t meant to be. After all, I am just an observer of the passing parade, the cockeyed caravan known as life. That was quite deep, don’t you think?

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can have some more post-Christmas drivel?

- Thursday, December 26, 2002 @ 09:03 AM PST

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

Last night we had a festively festive party and everyone partook of my foodstuffs and we all had quite a lovely time. Cissy Wechter and her sister and brother-in-law were here, as were Dear Readers Laura and Sandra. Then, my friend Barbara Deutsch and her son Sam came by and joined in the fun. Then our very own legendary Vinnie came by, and we had even more fun. He gave me the highest compliment when he, an Italian, pronounced my spaghetti sauce excellent. Then our very own Mr. Donald Feltham came by and he told us all about the reading of the show he’s working on, which went very well. Then our very own errant and truant Mr. Mark Bakalor came by and we all ate and laughed and laughed and ate. After everyone was gone, I found a note on my car from Juliana A. Hansen, who was sorry she couldn’t make it to the party (I gather she got to the house after no creatures were stirring not even a mouse). All in all, what a swell party it was. We had my world-famous spaghetti, my world-famous cold tuna and noodle salad, my world-famous Pioneer Sourdough Rolls, my world-famous Danish Creamery Butter for said sourdough rolls, and my world-famous Entenmann’s Donuts. Additionally, my friend Barbara Deutsch brought her world famous chocolate cream cheese mini-muffins, and Cissy’s sister Janet brought her world-famous Anise Biscotti. This is the first time in three months that I have totally, and I mean totally, went off the Eileen and Chet Atkins diet and I did so with vim and vigor and verve. Practically everything was pasta based, sugar based, dough based and I reveled in it, do you hear me, I reveled in it and I don’t care who knows about it. Today I shall be attending two count them two parties, one at my friend Nick’s house and one, a bit later, at Cissy Wechter’s house and I will eat what I damn well please once again. Then tomorrow I shall assess the damage and decide how to proceed.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I must finish these here notes in short order so that Luckie, who is not known for her patience, can open her presents in my presence.

- Wednesday, December 25, 2002 @ 09:31 AM PST

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

We had a splendidly splendid Unseemly Live Chat last night – the room was full and the conversation was lively and sparkling. By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo), if you haven’t heard Donald’s brand spanking new radio show you simply must – it’s very Christmasy. Mr. Donald Feltham will, in fact, be here at my Christmas do.

My kitchen is quite clean – I happen to write on the kitchen table, and the surrounding floor space was cluttered with papars, books, boxes and other assorted doodads and also dadoods. Well, I do not like clutter, but I simply haven’t had time to do anything about it, but yesterday I made time and now it is sparkling clean and uncluttered. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Last night, I had my annual watching of Mr. Roman Polanski’s masterpiece, Chinatown. It is simply put, a perfect movie, a movie where every single element works – from the brilliant script by Robert Towne, to the great cast (every single role is perfectly cast), to the production design of Richard Sylbert, the camerawork of John Alonzo and the sparse but amazing score by Jerry Goldsmith (the score was written in something like two weeks, when Goldsmith was brought in to write a replacement for Philip Lambro’s original score). All produced with taste by Bob Evans (who insisted that Goldsmith write a new score – if you want to hear a bit of the original score, it’s in the trailer for the film). If, for some wild reason, you have never seen this film, you must do so immediately.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Don’t I have foodstuffs to prepare, novels to finish, adaptations to finish, films to finish, presents to wrap? I do and I shall.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can see what unseemly things await.

- Tuesday, December 24, 2002 @ 08:25 AM PST

Monday, December 23, 2002

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CRAIG, JOEL AND WILLIAM F. ORR
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

We hope our three birthday boys have a most wonderful day and we hope that they will spend part of it here with their haineshisway.com family.

Well, it is one count it one day until Christmas (not counting today, of course). I feel ever so jolly and I find myself saying, “Ho, ho, ho” quite a bit. I said it in Hollywood yesterday and three women came up to me and hit me.

Luckie, who has been quite good and not had any incidents for five days, unfortunately had one last night. I was calling her quite sweetly and she decided I was gouging her eyes out with a flaming hot pincer and she yelped and peed. I then tried calmly to calm her down and she reacted to that as if I were branding her with a cattle iron and she yelped and peed some more. Then, I’m afraid, I lost my patience and I yelled at her – I figured as long as she was yelping and peeing she might as well have a reason. I told her to get on her towel and not move. She, of course, went in the dining room and yelped and peed. I cleaned up her mess, said, “I’m not talking to you the rest of the night,” and I harrrrumphed into my bedroom. She whined for about ten minutes, then sheepishly came into the bedroom and apologized by licking my face. By this time I had found my patience and we had a nice calm chat and then she went to sleep on the floor next to my bed.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because we’ve got some celebratin’ to do, oh, yes, we’ve got some celebratin’ to do.

- Monday, December 23, 2002 @ 08:52 AM PST

Sunday, December 22, 2002

Last night I went to see our very own Juliana A. Hansen in The Wizard of Oz. The theater where it was being done consistently gets nominated for Ovation Awards and won its third last year for Crazy for You. They tend to do big musicals and simply ape the original productions – I’m never really quite sure what the point of that is, but there are a whole slew of directors who do nothing but copy other productions. Juliana was very good as Dorothy and she sang it beautifully. The rest of the production, in my opinion, was fairly lifeless and bland. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – this is a show that I think could work marvelously on stage if someone who wasn’t strictly trying to ape the film would do it. For example, I would love to get my hands on this thing – it could be so much fun to work on and I was bursting with ideas as I watched it. You know how the band plays the famous “witch” music every time the Wicked Witch appears? After the fourth time I would have the Wicked Witch stop, look at the conductor and then go to him, grab his baton and break it in half.

Today, my very own daughter will be visiting with me for awhile, and then I shall attend a little Christmas party. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because it is high time we do so. Not low time we do so, mind you, no it is high time we do so so let’s do it – oh, a Cole Porter reference.

- Sunday, December 22, 2002 @ 09:05 AM PST

Saturday, December 21, 2002

I have nice short hair now and am looking very kempt. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? So, are we in the Christmas spirit? Are we playing our Christmas CDs? Are we wearing red and green and kissing under the mistletoe? I don’t have any fershluganah mistletoe so I guess I won’t be getting any kisses. And why is it mistletoe rather than mistlefinger or mistleelbow?

The weather has been very brisk and crisp but the skies are blue and clear. What am I, a weatherman all of a sudden? I feel this would be a good time to click on the Unseemly Button below because frankly I woke up this morning bursting with ideas and I must get them integrated into my book while they are fresh on my mind. So, click away, dear readers.

- Saturday, December 21, 2002 @ 09:22 AM PST

Friday, December 20, 2002

Today’s notes will be short because yesterday’s notes were long and it is written that the short shall follow the long. Sometimes it is written that the long shall follow the short but that is only on special occasions.

I have been writing like a demon (no mean feat), averaging about eight to ten pages a day on the book. I thought this was excellent until I watched an interview with Mr. Ray Bradbury where he said that he wrote his novel, Fahrenheit 451 in nine days. So, I guess I have not been writing like a demon. No, I have not achieved writing-like-a-demon status – I have only achieved writing-like-a-de status. Oh, well, as long as we finish the damn thing all will be fine. Of course, I’m also finishing Nudie Musical and the film so it’s not as if I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs, writing-like-a-demon-wise.

Tomorrow night I’m going to be seeing our very own Juliana A. Hansen in The Wizard of Oz. I shall, of course, have a full report for you.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because it is written that the second section shall follow the first but only if we click on the fershluganah Unseemly Button.

- Friday, December 20, 2002 @ 09:15 AM PST

Thursday, December 19, 2002

That story reminds me of the Beach Boys song California Girls. For years I thought they were singing Lipstick on the seat California Girls rather than Wish they all could beat California Girls. In fact, when someone finally had the good taste to correct me I refused to believe it for a week and listened to the song over and over again to make certain what the correct lyric was. I still think Lipstick on the seat California girls is better.

We are back on track with answering your excellent questions on Thursday. So, the answers are forthcoming in the next section. Crate and Barrel – that just slays me.

Well, my answers to your excellent questions are particularly long-winded so let’s get to them by clicking on the Unseemly Button below.

- Thursday, December 19, 2002 @ 09:20 AM PST

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Luckie was in her yelping and peeing mode yesterday. She cowered under the kitchen table most of the day, and any time I suggested (ever so sweetly) that she come out of there, she would come out as if I’d put a broom handle in her nose and she’d yelp and pee. I didn’t even yell at her – I tried to reason with her but apparently reason frightens her so she yelps and pees some more. Perhaps she’s decided that I am the Golem, whatever the hell that is. Today she seems fine, in fact she walked vigorously this morning, a fine thing to do on a V day. I have been loathe to throw her in the yard when she misbehaves because I don’t want the yard to be “The Bad Place”. Perhaps I’ll fence off a small corner of the path that runs alongside the kitchen, a small concrete affair that leads to the kitchen door. There would be no way for her to destroy anything out there and maybe that would be a fine punishment place for those times when she behaves poorly.

Have I mentioned that yesterday I was spent? Have I mentioned that today I am feeling vital and that my Eileen and Chet Atkins appetite is voracious? Last night I finished watching the DVD of The King of Comedy. What a fine motion picture it is, and I’m sorry, call me crazy, but Mr. Jerry Lewis should have won an Academy Award for his performance. And Mr. Robert de Niro should have as well. And Miss Sandra Bernhard has never been better than in this, her debut film. As Mr. Scorsese says in the short documentary, they wouldn’t have a clue how to make a film like this today – it would be a big overblown thriller or something. Anyway, if you haven’t seen it I recommend it wholeheartedly.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because today is a V day and we must have variety and the only way to have variety is to move on to the next section immediately.

- Wednesday, December 18, 2002 @ 09:49 AM PST

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

Last night, after quite a bit of writing, I finished Back to the Future and also listened to the commentary track, which isn’t really a commentary track at all. It’s a question and answer session recorded with Robert Zemeckis and Bob Gale after a showing of the film. The moderator and producer of the DVD is Laurent Bouzereau who is my least favorite of anyone who does supplements for DVDs. His “documentary” (in three parts spread over the three movies) is awful. I watched a bit of each of the sequels and remembered how much I did not like them at all (they both have assorted moments, but they’re both trying really much too hard) – the first film should have been it, it’s just a wonderfully perfect little gem.

There is a terrible rumor abounding that our beloved Dave’s Video, the first store here in the Valley to carry laserdiscs and then DVDs, the flagship mom-and-pop DVD store, may be shutting its doors, perhaps even before the end of the year. I’ve been a customer since the day Dave opened his doors in a tiny little shop on Ventura Blvd. near Whitsett. I’ve followed him from store to store and this is shocking news. His store is literally one minute from my house and now it won’t be there anymore. I totally understand it, however, because there is very little loyalty in the world and he simply can’t fight huge stores run by huge corporations who put out DVDs as loss leaders and sell them for so much less than he can. That and the Internet – frankly, I’m surprised he’s lasted this long, but then he had it to himself for the first eighteen months, before DVD really began hitting the mainstream.

My goodness, has anyone noticed how long this fershluganah section is? It is too too long, so let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below so that the next section isn’t too too short.

- Tuesday, December 17, 2002 @ 09:13 AM PST

Monday, December 16, 2002

We had a splendidly splendid Unseemly Live Chat last night and it was quite a sparkling affair with our special guests who dropped in. If you don’t know who they were, just check out the posts in yesterday’s notes and you will be both surprised and amazed and amazed and surprised. Simply use the Unseemly Archive Button above to check out any of the weekend festivities the errant and truant amongst you might have missed. Let me just say this: We were a happenin’ place over the weekend, we were the ginchiest, we were cool, man, cool, and even though we were cool, man, cool we were also hot as a rocket in our pocket – oh, a Bernstein/Sondheim reference.

The question is do I want eggs. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, do I, BK, want eggs. No. However, I feel these here notes lack a theme today (it was going to be the theme from Rocky, but I forgot about it), so I hereby decree that the theme of today’s notes is eggs. So, should these here notes be sunny side up? No, no, that will simply not to as it is gray outside. Perhaps they should be gray side up? Or perhaps these here notes should be scrambled. No, that would be unseemly and they would drift and shift if they were scrambled and I cannot stand notes that drift and shift and I always give them short shrift, whatever the hell that is. No, perhaps these here notes should be coddled. But why should we coddle these here notes? Can’t they stand on their own two feet and get by by themselves? Why should we coddle these damn notes. Damn them, damn them all to hell. Of course, we could poach these here notes but then they wouldn’t be here, they would be poached, stolen by a poacher, and we can’t have that, now can we? Perhaps these here notes should be fried, but then wouldn’t they be tired and lifeless or, on the other hand, angry and full of pith and vinegar? Maybe they should be hard-boiled. Yes, Film Noir notes, Humphrey Bogart notes, Raymond Chandler notes – that might just be the ticket. Then again, it might not. How about one-minute notes? No, too short. How about notes Benedict or notes Florentine? I feel we are beginning to stretch a point here, and frankly or even barryly why would we stretch a point – does the point appreciate being stretched. Doesn’t that hurt the point? What the hell am I talking about?

Well, that was a spirited beginning, don’t you think? I can’t follow that, so why don’t we just move on. By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) have you ever tried following “that”? “That” is very elusive and I can never stay on the trail of “that”. Why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below before I come up with more ways to write these here egg notes.

- Monday, December 16, 2002 @ 10:01 AM PST

Sunday, December 15, 2002

Tonight at six p.m. Pacific Mean Time is our Unseemly Live Chat and that you won’t want to miss. If we have your AIM name you’ll get your invite right at six. If we don’t have you AIM name be sure to e-mail it to me in plenty of time. Oh, what fun we shall have and, of course, you never know just who might drop by.

I had the last of my birthday dinners last night (until next year), and it was a good one. Good tasting and Eileen and Chet Atkins-friendly. Also, all past-due sparkling prizes were shipped yesterday and so were the orders for books and DVDs which came in last week. Now, if you are considering buying a book or DVD and you’d like it in time for Christmas (or, if it’s a present if you’d like the recipient to have it in time for Christmas) don’t wait too too long because you know how the mails are around Christmas time.

Well, I promised myself I would keep these here notes short today because yesterday’s were too too long. So, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below so I can have these here notes be a short story rather than a novelette.

- Sunday, December 15, 2002 @ 10:04 AM PST

Saturday, December 14, 2002

My goodness we had a lovely number of posts yesterday and not only were they a lovely number their content was most excellent, oh, yes, their content was most excellent. Today I shall be doing errands and catching up, shopping for groceries and so on and so forth and also so forth and so on. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Also, my friend Nick Redman has told me to run, not walk, to my nearest compact disc emporium to pick up Mr. John Williams’ soundtrack to Mr. Steven Spielberg’s Catch Me if You Can, which he tells me I will love.

Despite dire predictions of rain it does appear to be quite sunny outside. Of course, when Los Angeles, California weather people direly predict rain one can always count on sunny skies. Can someone please tell me how December can be half over? I haven’t done any Christmas shopping or even Christmas decorating. But starting Monday I shall be doing both. Also, starting Monday we’re going to start our countdown celebration to Christmas right here at haineshisway.com. Yes, Virginia, the spirit of Christmas will sparkle brightly every single day, so don’t miss out on the fun for one single moment.

Also, tomorrow at six p.m. Pacific Mean Time is our Unseemly Live Chat which, in just a few short weeks, has become the most popular chat room on all the Internet. What fun we have and if you haven’t partaken you must partake so that you can say you partook. It is wild and zany non-stop fun, let me tell you that. People let their hair down, let me tell you that. Why do people let their hair down? What did their hair ever do to deserve such insensitive treatment? What the hell am I talking about?

Perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button below because don’t I have some excellent questions to answer? Don’t I have to let my hair down? Don’t I have to amscray because the cleaning lady has arrived and is giving Luckie and me the evil eye?

- Saturday, December 14, 2002 @ 10:06 AM PST

Friday, December 13, 2002

Also, there was a funny man who came running up to me and when he got to the table he yelled, “When is The First Nudie Musical DVD coming out?” I made him a happy man and he said he was going to order it when he got home. The drive there was a bit of a pain and took two hours and fifteen minutes. The drive home was much better and only took one hour and forty minutes, thanks to the lovely directions provided by dear reader Jay(we weren’t able to go via his route because we were leaving from the mid-Wilshire district, but my publicist stayed on and I was able to use his directions on the way back). Next signing coming up January 18th and it’s going to be a good one – at Barnes and Noble at the Grove. I’ll have more details about that in a week or so.

Well, today is my final day at work and then I shall be free, free I tell you, free to be you and me, free to write all the livelong day, free to finish all my various and sundried projects. Also, Luckie will be joining me full time as of Saturday.

Perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button below because I have other things to talk about and I have to save something for the next section lest I be bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor.

- Friday, December 13, 2002 @ 07:28 AM PST

Thursday, December 12, 2002

So, I’m afraid I can’t ramble on too too much today. I did find out that my New York trip is delayed until after the holidays because everyone that I need to have meetings with will be away. Had I not had to work the extra week I could have come in next week but it became too complicated to schedule. Therefore, I’ll be there around the tenth of January and, of course, we shall have an official haineshisway.com get-together.

I actually haven’t heard from anyone officially that my last day is Friday. I find that a peculiar way to do business, but I’m just assuming it is and will write a note to that effect today. As soon as I’m done I shall throw myself back into writing full time, I shall hurl myself back into writing full time, I shall write like the wind, I shall write like a demon possessed. Isn’t a demon possessed to begin with? I shall write until the cows come home and those fershluganah cows have been gone so long it’s not even funny, cow-wise. I cannot wait, frankly. Just writing on the weekends has been very difficult. It’s hard to get back into it after five days have gone by, so it always takes two hours for me to pick up where I left off. But, I’m telling you here and now and also now and here, I shall write like the wind, I shall write like a demon possessed, I shall throw myself and hurl myself like a shot put.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below? After all, we don’t want to be stuck here on this page until the cows come home, do we?

- Thursday, December 12, 2002 @ 07:20 AM PST

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Has anyone noticed how terse these here notes are? Yesterday’s notes, for example, were flowing and free, wild like the river yet tame like shampoo. Ever shifting, ever floating like the sands of time and space. Yesterday’s notes were like a gentle ocean breeze, rippling like the muscles of a body builder, one minute soaring in winged flight, the next lightly landing in a pile of wood shavings. My goodness, these notes have turned florid. I think I prefer terse, frankly or even alanly.

Well, I must say, there is a definite flavor to today’s notes – cinnamon, I think, or is it vanilla with a chocolate swirl. I tell you my mind is going to strange unknown places, taking flights of fancy whilst dropping little bon mots, oh, yes, my mind is dropping little bon mots whilst taking flights of fancy. I tell you, sometimes I feel like a motherless child. If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning. Michael, row the boat ashore. What am I, Peter, Paul and Mary all of a sudden?

I think the best thing to do under the circumstances would be to click on the Unseemly Button below before these here notes become torpid. Terse, Florid and Torpid. That sounds like an accounting firm in a Marx Bros. movie, doesn’t it?

- Wednesday, December 11, 2002 @ 07:16 AM PST

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

I had to work until eight so my chatting was only sporadic. After work, David Wechter took me to Monty’s Steak House where we dined in high style. I am afraid my diet went to hell but it was worth it – I had a Caesar Salad, a New York Steak, aparagus with béarnaise sauce and we shared some onion rings. Actually, only the onion rings were off-diet, but the amount of food was huge and then there was the little matter of the hot fudge sundae that was brought to me for a birthday dessert. In any case, it was a lovely meal, but I didn’t get home until eleven, didn’t get to sleep until after midnight and now I am quite tired on this Tuesday morning. I have to buy new sneakers today because mine are coming apart at the seams. What a lovely non-sequitur that was.

On Thursday, I shall be working only until two, and then I shall be motoring to Palm Springs to do a book signing at six-thirty. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? If there is anyone in that area who’d like to stop by, e-mail me and I’ll give you complete details and directions. Hopefully, I will have my new sneakers by then, because mine are coming apart at the seams.

Today it is not gray outside. It is blue outside. Perhaps tomorrow will be green or even tangerine outside.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because the loud and unseemly gardeners are outside being loud and unseemly and I simply cannot think with that caterwauling. Is that how you spell caterwauling? According to my handy-dandy spell checker that word doesn’t exist. Oh, well, click away and let’s not be concerned with whether the cat is wauling with correct spelling.

- Tuesday, December 10, 2002 @ 08:08 AM PST

Monday, December 9, 2002

I mentioned that I’d received an e-mail from Michael John LaChiusa, who took exception to a question I posed (in which his name was evoked) in our Max Preeo interview. I assured him that the question was phrased the way it was because I’d read a quote in an interview that said much the same thing. He wrote back and said that that quote had been widely misinterpreted (it was about not caring about the audience) and that he did in fact have a love affair with his audience. I told him I’d put a note at the end of the interview to that effect, and I also thought you’d all be interested to read it here as well. We’re going to get together when I’m in New York and perhaps I’ll try and have him do an Unseemly Interview to get his perspective on today’s musical theater.

Don’t forget, tonight is our Unseemly Live Chat. If you haven’t sent me your AIM name please do so. If you have sent it in the past, then we have it. The chat will begin one hour earlier than usual, at six p.m. Pacific Mean Time. I have to participate from the office because directly afterward I’m being taken to a birthday dinner. I do hope all of you can come to the chat because we do have the best time and it is simply too too.

Amazingly, we still have not had one single guess for our Unseemly Trivia Contest – you have until midnight tonight. Donald has a brand spanking new radio show up, so be sure to tune in.

It’s very gray out today. Today is gray but what the hey, we still can play, and gray’s okay, it goes away if we say oy vey so come what may let’s mold some clay and be light and gay in the key of A. What the hell am I talking about?

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I must wrap these notes up in a pretty pink ribbon and be on my way.

- Monday, December 9, 2002 @ 07:30 AM PST

Sunday, December 8, 2002

I’m already exhausted and the party has barely begun. In any case, as I enter the year of five-five I feel that in certain ways my cup runneth over - oh, a Schmidt and Jones reference. And in other ways I feel my cup isn’t runnething over nearly enough. So, I shall endeavor to have my fershluganah cup runnething over as much as possible because it has been a long and winding year and I’m ready for my cup to completely runneth over. One of the reasons my cup runneth over is this here website and you loyal and true Hainsies/Kimlets. Where else on all the Internet is there such a place as this? Nowhere, that’s where. So, we must continue to make this the most fun place of all, where one can dance the Boston Fancy without fear of reprisal, without fear of being called a nonce. That’s right, there will be no noncense nonsense here at haineshisway.com.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because frankly this section’s cup is runnething over and we have to save some of the drippings for the next section, otherwise the next section will be drip-dry and we can’t have that, now can we?

- Sunday, December 8, 2002 @ 10:04 AM PST

Saturday, December 7, 2002

The Unseemly Interview with Mr. Max Preeo, he of Show Music Magazine, is up and running and it’s a corker so do peruse it and then post your thoughts. Also, Donald will have a brand spanking new radio show up tomorrow night, and our very own Unseemly Live Chat will be Monday night (I’ll be doing it live from the office, as David Wechter is taking me out for my birthday). Therefore, we’re going to start a little earlier than normal, say six-thirty Pacific Mean Time. I’ll post complete information on Monday. We also have an Unseemly Trivia Contest up today so check it out and make your best guess.

Remember yesterday I was humming/singing The Glory of Love all the livelong day? Well, this morning I woke up and all I can hum/sing is the beautiful song Emily from The Americanization of Emily. It’s firmly entrenched in my brain and it won’t go away. I’m not even that fond of the lyric, frankly, but that melody slays me and I just sing it over and over and over again. Emily, Emily, Emily. Thank you, Johnny Mandel for one of the most glorious movie themes ever.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button right this very minute, because there are answers to excellent questions and all manner of whatnot in the next section.

- Saturday, December 7, 2002 @ 10:09 AM PST

Friday, December 6, 2002

I was at work until eight last night and I must be back shortly, so again I apologize for having to cut these here notes short. Have you ever awakened and had a song in your head that you then continued to hum and/or sing all the live-long day because you are unable to extricate said song from said head? That is what happened to me this fine morning, and I have been humming/singing ever since – “You’ve got to give a little, take a little, and let your poor heart break a little, that’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.” What a wonderful song that is and I do think I may just have to have my close personal friend Guy Haines record it some fine day. The first time I ever heard that song was when I saw the motion picture entitled Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner, and it was love at first hear. “As long as there’s the two of us, we’ve got the world and all its charms. And when the world is through with us, we’ve got each other’s arms”. Yes, I shall be humming/singing The Glory of Love all the livelong day. Feel free to join me in a chorus or two should you be so inclined.

Don’t forget, we have a big weekend coming up here at haineshisway.com. First off, at some point today or early tomorrow we have the Max Preeo Unseemly Interview going up. Tomorrow I answer all your excellent questions and we have an Unseemly Triva contest, and then Sunday we have a big bash here at haineshisway.com. Monday, of course, is our Unseemly Live Chat. So, this is the place to be, there is no other place to be and you will simply not be if you are not here. After all, we are the ginchiest.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I must cut these here notes short and vamoose or, at the very least, vamaardvark.

- Friday, December 6, 2002 @ 07:18 AM PST

Thursday, December 5, 2002

I had a splendidly splendid day yesterday, directing the three little interview segments we had to do. I had a really excellent cameraman and he was so excellent in fact, that I am thinking about hiring him for my very own upcoming film. He was fast, he was on my wavelength and we got along famously.

Last night I watched a brand spanking new DVD entitled Goldmember. I have found little moments in the other Austin Powers movies which I thought clever so I gave this one a whirl. I’d heard it was fairly dreadful and a lot of it was. But I must say, the opening bit was very clever and it made me laugh out loud. In any case, it’s one of those state-of-the-art DVDs, so it looks and sounds incredible.

I received a few more PAL DVDs which I’d bought on eBay – and I checked them out on the computer and I must say they all look great, and none are available here in the states. A beautiful transfer of Hercules (with Steve Reeves) and The Last Days of Pompeii (also with Reeves) both of which had lots of direction by Sergio Leone. I also got El Cid and Fall of the Roman Empire, which have nice transfers but which are sadly in mono. And finally, David Cronenberg’s The Brood, a very strange film which I’m very fond of.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? DVDs, that’s all I talk about. Let’s talk about something else like hard-boiled eggs. But let’s not talk about them until we all click on the Unseemly button below.

- Thursday, December 5, 2002 @ 07:23 AM PST

Wednesday, December 4, 2002

You know, December is holiday time and I just thought I would crassly point out that we have lovely gifts here at haineshisway.com. Why, you can purchase t-shirts, and boxer shorts (very spiffy), and hats and coasters, not only for haineshisway.com but for The Broadway Radio Show, Benjamin Kritzer and The First Nudie Musical. It’s a veritable cornucopia of lovely gift ideas. And speaking of Benjamin Kritzer and The First Nudie Musical, you can still order signed copies of each for all your near and dear friends. After all, we must spread the word, oh, yes, we must spread the word. Payments can be made quite easily through paypal and if you are new to them they give you five dollars for signing up. Speaking of Benjamin Kritzer, I am going to Palm Springs a week from Saturday to do a signing at some fancy shmancy bookstore, so if anyone is around those parts, stop by. I’ll have complete information for you by the end of this week.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because hello, I must be going.

- Wednesday, December 4, 2002 @ 07:05 AM PST

Tuesday, December 3, 2002

Do you know what I discovered yesterday? Well, I’ll tell you what I discovered yesterday because otherwise you will not be in the know and you simply must be in the know: I discovered that I can play my Region 2 PAL DVDs in my computer. Apparently, it allows you to do this four times without permanently changing your settings to only play Region 2 PAL DVDs, but since I never play DVDs on my computer, I decided to check out all these PAL things which have arrived. I played a bit of Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger’s masterful A Matter of Life and Death (Stairway to Heaven), and while not perfect, it’s still a pretty wonderful transfer and scads better than the VHS I have. Then I checked out The African Queen. The African Queen didn’t like being checked out and he/she looked at me askance, let me tell you that. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, The African Queen – the movie. It looks great. Then I checked out another Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger film, Gone to Earth, which is a stunning transfer of their version of this marvelous little film (there was barely twenty-five minutes of their footage in the US version, which had additional scenes directed by Rouben Mammoulian – in the US the film was entitled The Wild Heart). This version is completely restored and it’s a minor gem. Then I checked out the French DVD of Francois Truffaut’s Fahrenheit 451, which I got because it’s a special edition and enhanced for widescreen TVs, unlike the Image DVD (out of print) here in the states. The Image DVD was gorgeous, letterboxed but not enhanced. The French DVD is a disappointment, image-wise, with colors that aren’t nearly as vivid and saturated (one needs to have those fire engines be red – Technicolor red) – the whole affair reeks of Eastman color brown – so I’m happy to have the Image DVD, and hopefully Universal will get around to doing an enhanced version using that same marvelous transfer. Do you know who the Production Designer is on Fahrenheit? Why, our very own Tony Walton, that’s who. I then checked out the DVD of Mr. Akira Kurosawa’s Stray Dog, one of his early films which I’m quite fond of. It looks just fine and dandy. I’m thrilled to have these DVDs and, of course, none of them (save the out-of-print Fahrenheit) have ever been available in the US.

What am I, a techno-nerd all of a sudden? In any case, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below to see what’s cooking in the next section.

- Tuesday, December 3, 2002 @ 07:13 AM PST

Monday, December 2, 2002

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s back to work I go. They have informed me that I will either finish up on Friday or one week from Friday (I tend to think it will be the latter, but who knows). In any case, then I can get back to writing full time, which I’m looking forward to. I shall wrap up all my various and sundried projects within a few short weeks. Over the last couple of weeks I completed another thirty count them thirty pages of the Benjamin Kritzer sequel and I’ve given them to my pal Margaret to get her seal of approval, or at the very least her dolphin of approval. I must say, the chapters are longer in this book. I’m really only about eighty pages away from finishing, at least that’s how it appears, although you never really know until you write the last sentence. It’s definitely longer than the last book, probably by fifty or sixty pages. I’m quite nervous to go back and read this from the beginning, although as I’ve gone along and gone back and reread and revised things it seems okay to me so far.

Luckie is back at her other home. I had her from last Tuesday until tonight. She was just fine and dandy until today, when she went into one of her “nervous” modes and peed whenever I opened my mouth, even though I was being gentle and kind. However, when the fellow came to get her, she really didn’t seem to want to leave, a first for her.

Well, I have an idea. What do you all think of this: Let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below because honestly we haven’t done that since yesterday and I know we are all chomping at the bit, oh, yes, we are chomping at the bit to do so.

- Monday, December 2, 2002 @ 07:14 AM PST

Sunday, December 1, 2002

We have a slight change of plans regarding tonight’s Unseemly Live Chat – I had totally forgotten that I have a dinner party at my friend Margaret and Richard’s house, which I must be at by five-thirty. Not wanting to miss all that chat I have asked dear reader Michael Shayne to begin it one hour earlier, at five o’clock Pacific Mean Time. That way I can get in twenty minutes of choice chatting. One simply must have twenty minutes of choice chatting before attending a dinner soiree. So, I do hope that most of you can show up an hour earlier – if not, the chat will go on and just show up at six as you normally would. If we have your AIM names you needn’t send them. If we don’t, please send them to me before five – or send them to Mr. Michael Shayne after five (I believe his e-mail address is linked to his name in his posts – if not, hopefully he’ll post it here today). We are going to have a marvelous time at the live chat, so get ready for some wild and wooly wool-gathering. We will dish the dirt, we will dirt the dish, we will cast aspertions, we will laugh, oh, yes, we laugh and reveal what sort of knickers we are wearing. Won’t that be fun? We’ll all know what sort of knickers the other is wearing and then we can create mental pictures – wait a minute, that is unseemly, yet let’s do it anyway. No thongs, however, or my mental picture will cause me to vomit.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because I’m quite certain there’ll be something else in the next section which will surprise and amaze you, not necessarily in that order.

- Sunday, December 1, 2002 @ 09:57 AM PST