Where to begin? My head is so full with ghost images and partial memories of the last 2 days that I don't know how I'll ever manage to recount everything (or anything). All I know is I'll have to work fast because tonight is quickly fading from my memory and I fear I will wake tomorrow and it will all seem just a lovely dream....

I woke at about 7:30am, and I couldn't fall back asleep. I didn't feel nervous, but I was certainly antsy/restless. I forced myself to stay in bed- in that sort of half awake half asleep state until just before 9am when the MACY'S parade was about to being. I made myself a bowl of cereal with soy milk (no dairy on Millie night!) and a cup of throat coat tea, heated up my aromatherapy lavender aroma therapy slippers (which mum sent me yesterday and which make my feet and body feel sooooo good!) and turned on the TV. I'm SO GLAD I FINALLY got up early enough to actually see the parade this year- rather than sleep straight through it. It was exciting, and seeing the show performances gave me a little rush- knowing what the night held in store for me. Bradley soon came out to watch with me, greeting me with- no good morning, but a- "You're Millie tonight!!!" with excitement. It meant a lot to me that she was treating it as something special, and I felt like I used to at home in LA with my mum on my b. day or something, or like Christmas eve with my dad.

We watched the whole parade, and my fav. performances were A Christmas Carol, CHICAGO (I've decided to marry Keith Howland!) and Clay... and, of course, Santa! Major kudos to that fierce little Boy From Oz tapper. Wow.

Shortly after Santa's appearance, Bradley left for the Millie Thanksgiving dinner cruise boat trip (which I'm so sorry I missed- I LOVE boats!- but couldn't be on a boat today... with all those people...) and I returned some kind emails with good wishes for my Millie debut! I drank about 4 cups of throat coat tea!

Around 1:45-ish I retired to my room and caught up on the morning sleep I'd missed. I finally woke at about 3:30, and I felt at peace with my job as Millie as I laid in bed speed running through my show as Millie and trying to remember my many notes and blocking specifics from the put in. I was surprised that I remembered so much!

I made more throat coat tea and ran bath water.

After my bath, I called mum and wished her a happy Thanksgiving and wrote cards to David and Rachel and Darren. I also made lunch/dinner (a spinach salad with tuna and egg) and ate around 4:30- at Darcie's suggestion. It was a perfect time to eat, and I felt great for the show.

Finally, I could no longer stand it, and I bid Bradley farewell and headed to the theatre. I arrived at the theatre crazy early, ay 5:45pm, and I delivered a candle and card to David- who helped me so much and cards to the dressing spots of our dance captains, Rachel and Darren, who also helped me so much. Next, I brought all of my makeup from my downstairs ensemble dressing room to my (for the night) upstairs Millie dressing room and changed into warm up clothes.

I vocalized downstairs in the rehearsal room then did an extensive body warm up with the ballet bar and yoga mats while listening to Norah Jones on my ipod.

Slowly, stage managers, our musical director, wig and wardrobe people and crew began to arrive.

It was about 6:45 by now, and I decided to sign play bills and posters downstairs for BCEFA.

Finally, just before 7pm, I went back upstairs to "my" dressing room, changed into tights and show bra and began my makeup.

Darcie's suggestions concerning makeup were so helpful! I began with my eyes, as she does, and David was v. helpful in making sure everything was perfect.

Ruth arrived at 7:45 to prep my hair (which I love, as her preps are always beautiful and perfect) and put on my country girl wig. She also was v. helpful with my makeup and made my eyes look huge!

Throughout this entire time people were constantly knocking on my door, bringing me cards and gifts and tons and tons of flowers. Everyone was so sweet and supportive! Even John put a special message on the call sheet for me...

OUT              IN                           ROLES

T. Magino     Steven W.                    Full track
J. Hansen      Rachel L.                      Full track
D. Roberts     Juliana Ashley Hansen MILLIE

"You're going out there a youngster,
but you've got to come back a star!"
-Julian Marsh

If THAT wasn't exciting (and a lot of pressure) I don't know what is!

Some of the most special cards/gifts/flowers were the following:

1. Hollis' card, signed "Meersie" in which she told me to "reach for the stars (just don't forget to breath)"

....I don't know why, except that I think she's pure brilliance, her approval means so much to me...but it does.

2. Matt's with a single red rose

"Congrats! You're gonna be great! Trust yourself, stay centered and breath. I'm right there for you and with you. Have fun!
Love Matt"

His meant so much because I NEEDED that support from my leading man. Millie needs to hit a point where she completely trusts Jimmy, and I felt strangely secure whenever I was onstage with Matt.

3. Bradley's card- in which she told me how blown away she was at the put in and how excited she was for me- and sharing my excitement with her all day was just really neat and special.

4. Andy's which told me to
"breathe
have fun and...
Kick some ass!"

and was accompanied by Uta Hagen's Respect for Acting, which I've long been wanting to read and its more special getting it from Andy than if from anyone else. We share a love for books, and he first told me about it. And I respect his acting so much...

Many, many other people gave me sweet card and thoughtful gifts, including Darcie- who left me a bottle of lavender bath oil which she was talking about yesterday, Diane- who sent me flowers but they are arriving tomorrow, and Sean- who's card had Scooby Doo on front- so appropriate.

Rachel came in and said she didn't have a card, but she had a little green bag full of things Id "need." inside were 4 gem stones, all diff. colours reading:

Courage. faith. smile. energy.

And I will keep them with me in my makeup case always! How v. special.

Places were called, but I wasn't quite dressed (only in my under garments). I quickly slipped into my dress and shoes and checked to be sure my ticket was folded correctly (front to audience, metal tabs to me), took a last drink of water (btw, I peed at 5mins., at Darcie's suggestion!!!) and walked out with David to the stage.

En route to the stage, I passed some people (can't remember who) who wished me good luck.

As I was standing on stage and the overture began (I didn't even hear the announcement about my being Millie) people continued to come hug and kiss me and wish me luck.

I began to get nervous about needing to focus on the first show and my "back story," and I began to concentrate so hard that I almost forgot to pick up the suitcases. I also walked to beginning to be sure I'd hit the right marks (downstage track and seam!) and then....

...the overture ended, I said a prayer and I felt the energy up my back as the curtain rose and I was suddenly Millie, fresh off the bus in NYC.

That 1st turn around was indescribable. I NEVER felt it that powerfully in u/s as I did tonight, not had I ever felt such nerves. But I wasn't afraid or worried.....

I was singing, somehow surprisingly well, as my adrenaline sky rocketed and my heart was pounding a mile a minute.

Suddenly, it was time to reach into my pocket for the ticket...

"A ticket HOME in my pocket
to do with as I choose...."

And my hands were shaking so much that my first attempt to tear it failed! Ahaha. More determined, I quickly tried again, success!

From that moment on, I was in complete bliss for the entire opening number. And when the boys came shooting out of the wings, that bliss only heightened. I could feel their energy and support, and it was thrilling!

The girls made me feel "modern" and grown up as I rushed to the center of them and struck a pose.

"But the fact is
everything today is thoroughly modern!"

I couldn't unfold the magazine clipping completely and I couldn't get my foot up on the suitcase for modern pose (chose not to try) on "Painting lips and pencil lining your brow" because I was shaking so much I thought I'd fall over but it didn't matter. It was all right. from my heart.

"Goodbye, Good Goody Girl;
I'm changing and how!"

And I was off through the sliders, handing off the suitcases to Linda, "superman-ing" my country girl dress, stepping out of my shoes and into modern dress, shoes, grabbing the bob wig and putting on my hat... a quick sip of water, a few extra seconds and body majorly shaking and I thought, for a split second, I'd truly faint.

Michael, one of our head wardrobe guys, told me he panicked a moment, thinking for the 1st time he was actually going to lose an actress, because my eyes glossed over and I wasn't breathing. Scary! As I blacked out, I could hear him and Heather, our s.m., talking me through it... "breath in... now out... now in.... now out..."

Suddenly, I breathed, prayed and...

"This is 1922!"
dance break.
v. successful.

The rest of the number was successful and a blast, and the "mugging" worked too.

Next thing I knew, I was tripping Cavanaugh and dusting off my no shoe foot. The scene went well. I was satisfied, although I remember being afraid I wouldn't be able to sing "Not for the Life of Me" tag because I was so nervous that my mouth was COMPLETELY DRY! (It was like this top of show too...and what an AWFUL feeling that is!)

I DID sing, and as I ran off in search of the Hotel Priscilla, cheers arose from the audience. David met me, changed me into slippers and we ran to the dressing room where Ruth met us and we changed into the tear dress, earrings and touched up hair (which pretty much happens at every change) and changed plum and fire and ice lipstick into just fire and ice- brightening a bit.

I had just enough time to sip water and run to the stage, and I'm bummed I wasn't able to get a picture in the dress *sigh* Maybe next time! Hopefully Andy got some digitally.

As the vacancy lights stopped flashing, I ran back on stage...

"Meersie!....hello...Its me! Its Millie!...

................(bell ring).........

....Meersie?"

and my journey continued. The scene w/ Hollis went v. well, and the scene with Diana went even better. Other Half.. was lots of fun- prob. the first time I really felt like I could "play"- It felt more familiar that the opening which allowed me to feel a bit more comfortable. I may have given too much, vocally.

I didn't rush the dance break, I remembered to offer Diana my hand for the final dance steps and I almost bull dozed David with the suitcases as I came off the stage! Once again, we ran to the dressing room to change... this time into Speed Test. I had a blush change here, and everything went smoothly. It felt kinda good over applying the "rouge."

Once again, barely time to sip water, and def. no time for a picture *sob sob* and I ran back to the stage where I met our stage manager, Heather, on stage R. and she walked me across the stage behind a drop to L. with me to my sight mark on stage l. wing 2 and I waited with my pencil and bachelor list for the drop to rise. It did, and I tried my best to check off the bachelors and circle Graydon with purpose, but I've always felt a little weird here, and tonight was better but not entirely clicked in (a minor thing, thank God!).

I ran with David around to S.L. and took off the gloves, returned the pad and pencil to my purse, and took a sip of water and began "electric football" I thought it was the best Id done with it, but I can improve it and was still a bit early for...

"I'm looking for a Miss Flannery..."

Our little scene went v. well, although I think early on I tried to go for a laugh and failed. Should just ALWAYS remain in the moment. However, I warmed up 1/2 way thru and began getting great response.

"MOVE IT!"

And boy did I! I BOOKED it across the stage and into Graydon's office and was pleased I made it to the correct mark in time.

Sean indeed made me "melt," and the scene and song went smoothly.(lawrdy, its 4am and I'm only 1/2 thru ACT ONE!)

The tap went well, but I can and WILL do better. My riff wasn't great, and I missed a few sounds, BUT it was there...and fine.

"Tell me where my desk is, when we eat lunch
how much I'll be paid, and nice to meet you;
I know well be friends just call me Millie Graydon!"

Shoe change from taps to character shoes off S.L. then...

"Miss Dorothy, I did it! I Did It!
Gloria, Ruth, Alice!"

The apple scene FLEW by (I mixed up purse and hat people HA!) and...

"Slam! Slam! Slam! SLAM!!! Slam!"

running off S.L, attempting to undo zippers on cuffd as met David to change into Speakeasy- one of my favorite dresses.

I had to consciously remind myself to not try to pull off my earrings (Gloria's are clip on, Millie's are NOT!!!)

I powdered down my extremely rouged cheeks as the final thing, and I stretched down to touch my toes. Speakeasy time!

The only scene where I momentarily completely checked out. I was doing great work until...

"Are you kidding? I've got a girl in there"
.............................LONG PAUSE..............................
(only a fee secs. but felt like an eternity) Oh! My line!

"think if it as next decades good deed!" *whew!*

It isn't that I wasn't focused, I was just pre- concerned with the next moment- blocking wise- that I checked out for a mere instant.

V. BAD!

V. V. BAD!

Never again will I allow myself, if I can help it, to get ahead like that. It's MUCH better to be in the moment, however uncertain the future is!

"I believe it's wrong to worry over anything
before it happens"

- The Emerald City of Oz, 1910

The Speakeasy went v. well. I want to improve my knees shake, but I'm proud of my acting in the scene/dance and proud of how far I've come in my dance. Darcie's helping me with the Jimmy turns the night before while I was tracking her REALLY helped me finally make sense of them last night, and I got it right!

The line up scene was good. I enjoy that scene. I love the realism she and Jimmy finally share. It's so simply and excellently written.

I quickly ran to the jail, climbed in thru the bars and Darcie was right again... not much time to settle before the scrim goes up. I was hardly settled in my "sleeping position" when the drop began to rise. Quickly, I ceased my shifting, settling in a slightly painful, quite uncomfortable position with a jail bar hitting an odd place in my back. For a slight moment, I thought I might have to shift, but I braved it and grew accustomed to it quickly.

While "sleeping" I marveled at how quickly we'd arrived at the jail and I prayed God would continue to give me everything I needed- thanking him for everything previous.

"Hey Millie, wanna grab a quick cup of coffee?"

What a well written, gentle, honest, and trusting scene that it! I love how we both let our guards down and began a new. *grin*

Matt is wonderful to act with. he gives so much and his eyes are so alive. Not to mention he's so gentle and sweet and supportive...

"Till tonight, Long Island."

Quick change off S.R. Blue velvet, new earrings, hat... grab purse with gloves and GO!

"Girls, girls! What do you think?"

I remembered to talk 1st THEN grab with the soy sauce bit (something that had to be drilled and pounded into me at the put in the day before), and it went well. I always feel a little weird in this scene ... but I think it's cuz there's not much to it... It was fine.

"....but lest you worry, well have the finest of chaperones!"

Exit with Miss D. S.L. and walk with David to S.R. while handing off hat and purse/gloves. We had plenty of time (a whole Mathilde change and then some!) to add tap pants, snap dress to bra and drink water. Matt gave me a hug, Bradley and I grabbed hands for a squeeze and Shoop and Diana gave me encouraging smiles and we were off...waltzing into Muzzy's party!

The dance was fun/fine. Matt looked at me to signal me to move down a bit more from where I was standing. I was grateful to him for looking out for me.

Pam is lovely, and it was fun to dance with her. Laura truly scared me with the spot.

The terrace scene ROCKED!!! I feel we hit every beat, and once we started fighting, it was awesome! We had great chemistry and the kiss stuff was a total success. I felt empowered. I loved it!

And then he ran off, leaving me all alone on that huge stage, standing on that high up terrace, clutching to the railing for support. Terrified and feeling small...

"Am I drunk, or maybe I'm dreaming?
...............
Everything today is thoroughly-
......Jimmy......."

The song began and I began to ease into it.

"Jimmy, oh Jimmy! Oh! What joy!"

Beginning to live it.

"So coax me, implore me...
I promise you won't bore me...."

vulnerable. Extremely vulnerable.

"Jimmy, I might say...
*deep breath*
YES!"

And suddenly I was on the most incredible journey of my life. I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of joy- stars in my eyes as I walked down the terrace steps and towards center stage, spinning....twirling...

"He makes my troubles fly!...."

empowerment.

"Jimmy, oh Jimmy don't you know-
What I cant quite confess?....

...Jimmy, I might say~"

Then Matt, "Now remember... not to me."

Watching/ listening at my door, vulnerability and feelings of betrayal, sadness, loneliness, confusion washed over me like NEVER before as Jimmy left and I was left standing there- alone.

The curtain came down, act one was over and a realization hit me...
I was officially a star (if only for the night).

I could FEEL it before I even walked off stage. Before I even looked offstage..... something magical had happened, from start to finish and esp. in Jimmy. This was the bridge from my life as I knew it to whatever the future holds. The feeling was indescribable.

I pulled myself together, once again beginning to shake, and walked towards the wings where Paul and Roeya and David and Darren and Rachel met me.

Paul gave me a big hug and told me "that was fabulous" and that I was doing a great job. Roeya smiled as David held my hand, congratulating me on act 1 and calming me. Darren and Rachel were thrilled for me and asked me how I felt- to which I responded,

"Im gonna cry" and teared up, grabbing David's hand even tighter as he whisked me back to my dressing room.

Intermission dressing room activities: repowder face, fix blush, change clothes... change lipstick to glam, brighten eyes...review tracking/ put in Act 2 notes... I opened a few more cards and peed again at 5 (thank you Darcie!) even though I, like a small child on a long road trip, didn't think I had to go. *laugh*

We waited for Ruth to come brush my "hair", but she forgot at 5 and came rushing up at places. I was a little late getting to my desk, but no harm done.

Janelle told me I was doing a fabulous job, Bradley wrote, "Be Great Juliana!" in her notebook and I tried to mentally prepare for the 2nd half of my debut (as Millie) performance.

I was less "light hearted" and focused in Forget About the Boy than I wanted to be or know I CAN be, and I think it was due to a combination of nerves and concern about the desk choreo. Still, I had a good time and did well and survived the scare of almost stepping off the desk on the spank back, touch, ball change step.

The scene following with Graydon was quite successful. I was nervous about 2 things:

1. Him pulling me back in the desk on "Not so fast John..." and me sliding right off my seat, and thru the desk again, like at my put in (where EVERYONE laughed at me and John pointed out that it may ruin the prat fall stuff moments later ahaha)

2. how the audience would react to my pratt falls with the desk.

No fears! I braced myself for being pulled back and from the moment I said, "Oh Mr. G...YOU." the audience was in fits of laughter- thank God. My initial desk slip wasn't brilliant, but the fall was perfect and the floor work genius, and I was pleased.

I enjoy working with Sean. He's so much fun and so talented!

The scenes following with Jimmy and Miss D. were great too- just v. easy and natural for me. In fact, the rest of the show I didn't really need to think about specific marks much- BE Millie!

I almost missed my mark backing up the desk before the ledge rolled on stage, but Heather was standing in the wings, waving me into place. Yay!

The ledge scene was one of my absolute favorites! Matt was so honest and genuine and sweet and the arc of the scene is so beautiful... the dance went surprisingly well (although I was scared to death, despite my trusting him completely) and the quartet....

What bliss!!!

I can't ask for anything better than singing with Diana, Sean and Matt in one of the most beautiful quartets ever written (second in my mind to Secret Garden's) and feeling such elation from "being in love." I wheeled myself upstage to clear the incoming drops and David met me to take me to the dressing room for our final change~ into that beautiful red sparkly dress!

Once again, no time for pictures. BOO!!! I REALLY hope we'll be faster next time so I can take many more, with leads! and share them with all of you!

I was getting nerves again... this time for Gimme Gimme, and I tried to stop my mouth from turning to cotton.

The kitchen scene was good.

"Jimmy, we're not right for each other!"
and run off S.L.

David fixed my hair, gave me water and fluffed my dress as I sat on the poof.

I was "in the zone," but at the last instant I remembered my note to cross my legs while coming in on the poof, so I quickly did.

"And I'm so crazy about him,
it almost seemed fun"

I enjoyed Pam telling Muzzy's story about Mr. Van H and the green glass broach. I laughed and was surprised.

"Affection. that's what he had- affection. .
.....but Tweedums, while I truly do prefer emeralds, we could have made it on green glass"
I was tearing up...and choked out,

"Oh Muzzy, you're so worthwhile"

That speech hits a strong cord in my every time- thanks and praise to God.

Then, Gimme Gimme. Once again, extremely vulnerable and everything uncertain. But it was all there.

It worked beautifully.

I felt so free and in the moment and...

it felt good. v. v. good.

and the end felt wonderful!!

Also, I made the discovery that the end note is easier to sing when I'm not holding any tension in my arms. YAY! Also, that makes final pose even neater. *smile*

Holding that pose while the audience applauded and cheered for what seemed like an eternity was an unmatchable feeling! (although it was a little too long, because I though Eric was supposed to break the applause, and he was waiting for me to do it. ahaha)

I felt simply wonderful. Empowered. On track. Fulfilled. Truly blessed.

As the applause began to die, I bolted off stage (s.R.) and met David, who fixed my dress and wig and gave much desired and needed water! Also, a cinnamon Altoid. yay!

Mia was standing nearby and congratulated and complimented me, v. genuinely, and that meant a lot. Then, Erik walked over to me and gave me a big hug, telling me I sounded awesome and congratulating me. I wanted to squeeze him hard but couldn't mess the dress.

David fixed me up and it was time to get into the laundry basket. Matt offered me hi hand and I climbed over the side (barely making it over the side, which is tall for me). Then, I stood, waiting for Matt to climb in and sit, before I sat, making sure my dress was fluffed out over Matt.

We were wheeled on stage and I was momentarily nervous for the last little singing bit. However, I trusted and decided to belt it all, minus top note, as Darcie does, and it worked beautifully! We even got huge applause when we finished "ah!" and all 3 of us popped up. (It's 5:40am, my lord!)

Easy sailing and pure fun from there on out! I jumped Pam's line by mistake, but not terribly. And next thing I knew, Jimmy was proposing, I found out he was a multi millionaire and we were kissing. and kissing again... and running off stage. It was awesome!

Raeya blew me a kiss as I was waiting to bow. So did Pam, who told me I did great and she was rooting for me the whole time! Sean kissed me, Andy kissed me, Matt squeezed me..David fixed my dress, Ruth brushed my wig and I repowdered and fixed my lipstick and... waited for my bow...

My bow!!!

I was sooo excited, and I RAN out. I was early on bowing, and early on pointing to Eric (ahaha), but it didn't matter.

As soon as I came out, my wonderful and supportive cast started screaming for me, and the entire audience stood up at the same time (which I couldn't see clearly because the lights were so bright but was later told by several friends).

A dream come true. My new reality.

"Now my life will never be the same-
I turned the corner!"

I only wish my family and best friends could have been there to see it! God has a plan, and he brought me this far, he'll bring me here again and hopefully they'll catch the next time around.

John met me outside the stage door after it was all over (after taking photos with Pam and audience members for Broadway Cares!) and gave me a big hug saying, "you were fabulous!"

Wow! I'm glad he was so proud!

And Patti James, my fav. tap teacher from CCM, cried and cried and was in disbelief. She's so happy for me and will prob. talk about it to Aubrey and the others who didn't much like me. Ahaha.

Mark told me that people around him were talking about me at intermission and how they couldn't believe I was the understudy. I'm so glad they didn't feel cheated about not seeing Darcie. I tried my best for them!

Taking BCEFA pictures with Pam was so much fun. So many adorable little girls came up to us and were in complete awe of me. I even had FANS at the stage door who waited such a long time for me to come out and give my autograph.

It's now 5:57am and I'll die if I don't get to sleep immediately.

I can't think of a better Thanksgiving than this. Amen and Amen and "GOOOOOOODNIGHT!"

Write to Juliana at Juliana@haineshisway.com