Topic: THE JOGGING JEW (Read 35987 times)

vixmom · « **Reply #90 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:15:55 PM »

Joe invited his friend Bill to come to his cabin by the lake, so they could do some duck hunting.

As they enjoyed a cold beer, Joe said "My dog here is so smart, he can tell you how many ducks are on the lake at any time."

Bill seemed skeptical, so Joe opened the door and sent the dog out. The dog came back shortly, sat down and barked three times. When the two men looked out, there were 3 ducks on the lake.

Later, the dog went out again, came back and barked 5 times. Sure enough, there were 5 ducks on the lake.

At supper, the dog went out again, and came back, very excited, with a large branch in his mouth, shaking it vigourously from side to side.

Bill asked "What does that mean"? Joe said "That means there are more ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

vixmom · « **Reply #91 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:16:41 PM »

George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"

"New baby kittens," she replies, and she opens the basket to show him.

"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"

The little girl says, "Republicans."

Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this, Karl -- it's really cute."

They approach the little girl. Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine."

Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"

She replies, "Democrats."

Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"

"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."

William F. Orr · « **Reply #92 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:17:33 PM »

HELP!!!

EMERGENCY!!

I need recommendations for hotels in New York.

I foolishly started getting theatre tickets for a week in NYC without making my hotel reservations first.

Now I find the Marriott Marquis and the Muse are both booked up for next week.

I need Saturday 8 April through Sunday 16 April.

We need to be near, i.e. right in the theatre district.

Please, if you can suggest a hotel, IM me here on this board, and I'll check back later today.

P.S. Joe will kill me if he finds out we have tickets for 5 shows and no hotel.

HELP!!!

EMERGENCY!!

vixmom · « **Reply #93 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:19:41 PM »

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats
the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate "

Ron Pulliam · « **Reply #94 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:20:55 PM »

The most vile thing I've ever been faced with, but did not "HAVE" to eat, was during my initiation as a chief petty officer in the Navy.

Three of us were being initiated and there was a trough into which vile things were being thrown...like smoked oysters (NO! I don't consider those good eating!), raw eggs, assorted containers of slaw and apple sauce...the most gosh-awful mixture of stuff.

But those initiating us got carried away playing "bombs away"...the three of us lying on our backs, head to head to head while our tormentors cracked raw eggs over our heads and open mouths. ( It was nearly two years before I could eat an egg again.) There wasn't time to make us eat from the trough and to add a "special treat" at the end.

The special treat was the "special" eggs they had acquired for us...duck eggs...unique to the Philippines.

DR Jose surely knows what "baluts" are...and he may share my gag reflex at the thought of eating one of them. They had some, but didn't get around to making us eat them (I assume the balut lovers among them treated themselves to this leftover delicacy).

Baluts are special because the embryo is partially formed before the egg is treated in way...buried in hot sand in the Philippines, so I'm told, for an extended time, and then retrieved to be savored...a partially formed duck in a stew of congealed yolkstuffs.

Shudder.

vixmom · « **Reply #95 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:22:11 PM »

Two cows are standing in the field.

The 1st cow asks, “Are you worried about this mad cow disease”?

The 2nd cow replies, “Why should I care, I’m a helicopter”.

Ron Pulliam · « **Reply #96 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:23:28 PM »

DR William Orr: My condolences.

And good luck!

vixmom · « **Reply #97 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:25:45 PM »

Two spacemen landed on a planet, left their vehicle and searched for signs of life. Suddenly there appeared what looked like a ball of weeds--but with an eye within, staring at them.

"Can you speak?" they asked.

"Yes," it replied."I am a FURRY."

"Take us to your leader", they asked.

Into a cave they went, seeing within hundreds of these "furries" . All looked alike except one, twice the size of the others, sitting on a pillow,with a hypodermic needle-shaped item on its top.

"Are you the leader?" the men asked.

"No" replied the odd "furry."

"I'M THE FURRY WITH THE SYRINGE ON TOP."

vixmom · « **Reply #98 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:26:30 PM »

Ron: re your initiantion... MY condolences!! EEEEW!!

vixmom · « **Reply #99 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:28:47 PM »

Bill, do you want me to see if I can arrange a timeshare exchange into the Manhattan Club?

http://www.manhattanclub.com

vixmom · « **Reply #100 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:30:24 PM »

DR Jose

I just spoke to my niece she is absolutely over the moon ... STILL!!! Thank you for making her visit so very special.

And she said they all LOVED the show!!

vixmom · « **Reply #101 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:31:23 PM »

I was discussing the joy of asparagus season with my uncle Max. He said that in his travels to Germany he sampled asparagus with Hollandaise sauce every where he went. He added though, the best sauce he ever tasted was in Alaska. Really I asked? Sure he said, everyone knows,

"there's no place like Nome for the Hollandaise... "

vixmom · « **Reply #102 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:32:33 PM »

A guy lands in Boston, gets in a cab, and realizing it's a great seafood town, asks the cabbie,

"Know where a fellah can get scrod around here?"

The cabbie says, "Yeah, but I never heard anyone ask in the pluperfect subjunctive before..."

vixmom · « **Reply #103 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:38:30 PM »

Two yankees driving down I75, coming into Tennessee, have a argument about how to pronouce the name of the next town..Lafollette.

"Its La- Fo- Lay like the French would say"

"No, it's pronounced La Fo Let down here."

The argument goes on until they decide to pull off the Interstate in LaFollette and ask a local how it's pronounced.

They go into the first place they come to and ask a clerk

"How do you pronounce the name of this place?"

She gives them a puzzled look and says very slowly,

"Burger King!"

Sandra · « **Reply #104 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:39:47 PM »

I have never eaten anything unusual.

Sandra · « **Reply #105 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:40:16 PM »

And who or what is tripe?

vixmom · « **Reply #106 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:40:36 PM »

A Texan is driving in Vermont, and sees a Vermont farmer plowing his field. He stops to chat, and asks the farmer

"How big is your place here?"

"Well," says the farmer "It goes from the creek over there to the road, then down to the woods on that side, and back over yonder to the top of the pasture."

"Back home," says the Texan, "my place is so big that I can get in my truck and drive all day and not be off my own land."

"Ayup," says the Vermonter, "I used to have a truck like that myself."

vixmom · « **Reply #107 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:41:41 PM »

Quote from: Sandra on April 04, 2006, 12:40:16 PM

And who or what is tripe?

http://www.soupsong.com/ftripe.html

or

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tripe

be warned... you may not like what you find there!!

Sandra · « **Reply #108 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:48:12 PM »

People eat that?

Jane · « **Reply #109 on:** April 04, 2006, 12:54:04 PM »

GOOD HOTEL VIBES TO WFO!!

Matt H. · « **Reply #110 on:** April 04, 2006, 01:09:30 PM »

Sorry some of you are being drenched by rain. It couldn't be more beautiful here, but it was wet yesterday, and they're saying we're in for more in the next few days.

Matt H. · « **Reply #111 on:** April 04, 2006, 01:12:21 PM »

I finished HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE for the umpteenth time. I actually wasn't going to finish it today, but a lengthy phone call from a friend in distress interrupted my plan to watch CRASH, so I'll watch CRASH some other time. I finshed POTTER noting that it's best to watch this dark, dark movie at night with no ambient light coming into the room. Details in the background get missed in shadows when there is any light other than than of the TV.

vixmom · « **Reply #112 on:** April 04, 2006, 01:12:31 PM »

Quote from: Sandra on April 04, 2006, 12:48:12 PM

People eat that?

on purpose!!!!

Matt H. · « **Reply #113 on:** April 04, 2006, 01:13:37 PM »

I then watched a funny and exciting episode of ANGEL entitled "Provider," with Angel and the gang taking on all sorts of jobs in order to make big bucks for their needs and for Connor's "college fund."

Matt H. · « **Reply #114 on:** April 04, 2006, 01:14:48 PM »

It's country night on AMERICAN IDOL, of course, and I'll also watch HOUSE and LAW & ORDER: SVU and recording SCRUBS. Am already missing THE CLOSER and can't wait for its return the second Tuesday in June.

vixmom · « **Reply #115 on:** April 04, 2006, 01:15:17 PM »

[move=left,scroll,6,transparent,100%]~~~~~Feel Better Vibes~~~~~[/move]t

to RLP

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Jrand73 · « **Reply #116 on:** April 04, 2006, 01:24:59 PM »

Here's a list DR SWW:

http://www.1800nyhotels.com/new_york_tourist_attractions/broadway-theater-district-hotels.html

S. Woody White · « **Reply #117 on:** April 04, 2006, 01:50:50 PM »

Quote from: JRand55 on April 04, 2006, 01:24:59 PM

Here's a list DR SWW:

http://www.1800nyhotels.com/new_york_tourist_attractions/broadway-theater-district-hotels.html

Not for me, for DR WFO!

vixmom · « **Reply #118 on:** April 04, 2006, 01:55:37 PM »

Subject: TECH HELP

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

vixmom · « **Reply #119 on:** April 04, 2006, 01:58:44 PM »

Subject: TECH HELP

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one..

News:

Author Topic: THE JOGGING JEW (Read 35987 times)