Hi all,
I’m sorry that I just posted and ran. At the time, I was just so tired and I couldn’t talk about the day. It was just too much.
I wanted to do something special for my folks since this may be the last time I will make it up this way for a very long time. I wanted to buy one of those dog statues—you may have seen the kind that I’m talking about. The black lab with a bone in his mouth?
Anyway, I couldn’t find one. I didn’t think about the stores putting those kind of things away. They are everywhere down in Florida. They’re just kinda heavy and I thought it would put me over the weight limit with my bag. The airlines charge a fee if you go over 50 lbs.
I went to a couple of stores and finely went to a Home Depot. I was told if they didn’t have them, no one would at this time of year. Well, they didn’t but after looking around I noticed a bird feeder pole and they the last of their wind chimes on sale. I thought that would make a fine gift so that’s what I got along with some flower bulbs. Purple for Mom and white for Dad.
Then I passed a Goodwill store and decided to go in to see what they had. I found a very nice angel statue, one of the Virgin Mary that must have been a plant holder at some point and another little statue of the Virgin Mary so I bought them all.
I then went to a local grocery store and bought 2 dozen roses and a gallon of water.
When I got to the cemetery, I had a fright because they had a crew out down the way from where I needed to be. I thought they would stop me from what I wanted to do with Bear. As luck would have it, they were only there for a few minutes and then they drove away. I was afraid they might come back so I had to dig the hole for Bear in a hurry.
It was much harder then I thought it would be. Not just emotionally but physically. The ground was full of rocks and hard clay. I didn’t get to bury him as deep as I would have liked. I put his last chew and his favorite toy from when he was a puppy with him. There wasn’t room for his saucer (frizzbee) so I put that on Dads side (not buried) with one of the rocks. I don’t think it will bother anyone.
I know this will be hard to believe but I’m not making it up—the sky was overcast yesterday but I swear that when I first put the shovel to the dirt to bury Bear, the sun came out. Not for very long but I was so amazed. It was one of “those” special moments like a sign from above. I think Someone was smiling down on me and approving what I was doing. It was one of those things you hug to your heart and never forget.
I took one of the little stones I dug up, used a key to write Bear’s name on it and laid it on top of where he is. No one would notice it unless they really look and it won’t last long. One good rain and the writing will be gone. Then I took some leaves (there was plenty of them around) and covered where I dug. I hope they stay there long enough to give the ground time to look normal again.
Then I assembled the bird feeder pole with the hook and hung the wind chimes. I put a dozen of the roses in the vase and planed all of the bulbs. I sat the statues I bought on the name plate. Then I went down to Joe’s grave, put the roses in the vase, planted some bulbs and placed the small statue near the head stone for him. I think the small statue looked really well because I’m never sure how things would be viewed by the family. I don’t know if they would want or allow something from me. I don't think it was overly flashy but showed my respect and love for my half brother.
Then I spent most of the day just sitting beside my parent’s graves, listening to wind chimes and thinking about them. I know that wasn’t the smartest thing to do considering how cold it was. I saw on the news that it never got warmer then 32 degrees but I couldn’t help myself. I just didn’t want to leave. I feel like I'm coming down with something already but I still would have stayed.
Before I knew it, it was after four and too late to try to meet with DR td. By the time I made it back to the hotel, I was just tired and cold and very emotionally drained. I didn’t want to go out again so I just ate that hotel restaurant then went to my room.
I did have one last surprise. When I looked out of my hotel room window, I saw a deer in the wood behind. I had hoped to see one. The one on the side of road that I saw yesterday broke my heart. It was a female and I know where there is one, there must be others but I didn’t see them.
I pulled a chair next to the window and watched that one deer for quite a while. It was a nice way to end a emotionally charged day.
I guess you’re all wondering how I feel now that I’ve kept my promise to Mom and I wish there was an easy answer. Walking away from those graves yesterday was about the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I feel deep sorrow, loss, lonelyness, happiness that I did I promised, pride that did this despite how worried I was about doing it. Yes, I feel peace but also I feel empty and drained. Certainly this was a growing experience for me—I did this whole thing on my own with no help from anyone. I got myself here, did what I needed to do and will see myself home. I see that as both a good thing and a bad. I wish…
Right now I’m in a whirlpool of emotions and it will take time to sort them all out. I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed with Sheena beside me.
Thank you all for your thoughts, vibes and prayers.
Oh, and would you believe that I missed seeing snow—YET AGAIN?! I was told by several of the people I spoke to in the shops that it snowed last night about the time I was online-- but it was gone by morning. If I had only looked out the window—ahh well. Maybe it’s a good thing to have some goals left to look forward to.
I’m heading back to bed (after I look out the window).
G’night all.
