I talked with my parents, and they said that if I returned home, we as a family would figure everything out. That ended up being my course of action. Little did I know that "working things out" had unstated stipulations.
After spending the first week back home in Florida, with my parents ashamed that I left the Naval Academy before graduating, I sat down and really tried to figure out what to do next. It has all seemed overwhelming.
Life at home has been challenging. I knew that it would not be easy. These days there is a ton of drama, anger, sadness, pain, sorrow, and anguish. The situation is on the verge of becoming critical as my parents are constantly fighting me about everything--even if it has nothing to do with my sexuality. I wish I could get them to see things from my eyes, but I've almost given up hope.
They have told me that they will never support or accept my being gay, and they say that I have changed--and am a stranger to them. How do people deal with this when they come out to their family? I have learned to try and block out what some people say about gays and lesbians. But how can you block out what your parents say?
First of all, don't ever believe "nevers". If your parents were like mine they wore your Midshipman status on the sleeve like a badge of honor - your no-longer being a Midshipman (no matter what the reason) is a grievous blow to their public image so they are working through pain, anger, and resentment just as you are.
They say you have changed - and have become a stranger to them - which in many ways is true. The cocoon has turned into a butterfly; but in your case, the metamorphosis was unanticipated and decidedly unwelcome. For your parents the "Tale of the Ugly Ducking" has played out in reverse - their darling baby swan has matured into a big squawking duck.
Since we live in a society that seems to always be seeking to fix the blame, your folks are agonizing over "what did we do wrong"! I'm sure many of your relatives are muttering "What did they do to that boy" in between their groans of "How Could You Do This To Your Parents Who Sacrificed Everything For You". Your extended family all want you to take your homosexuality back to the library and check out a different book - remember, most straights admit they don't understand how anybody could be Gay, and at the same time think all you have to do is "change your mind" and go straight. They have no problem proclaiming "I could never be queer!" but can not listen to "Well, I can never be straight!"
It might help to really believe your parents. I'm sure thay always told you that they love you, will always love you no matter what, and only want what's best for you. Well, trust that they meant it. Cling to the belief that when they ultimately understand that "This is You" and that this is just "You Growing out of your cocoon" they will honor their "I will always love you" promise. Accept that they, too, are going through trying times. Families usually rely on each other for comfort in time of stress, but your family is broken for the moment and all members need to find other avenues of relief. A comment that your family is now "dysfunctional" and needs group counseling is a stock Ann Landers answer - but has merit.
Your problem is confounded if your family is not familiar with the many examples of gay men leading happy, fulfilling lives. They no doubt have nightmares of their queer son being bashed in an alley or dying of AIDS at 26. If you have not yet made the acquaintance of PFLAG, I strongly urge you to do so. They not only offer great support to parents learning to deal with having a gay child - they also do great work in helping young gay men and women deal with unaccepting families
(There're 22 PFLAG chapters in FLA, [link to PFLAG] contact one near you - they are by far the best resource available.)
You also need a support group beyond the local bar/gym - have you any older gay friends in the area? In this wonderful world of Hi-Tech, even Email friends can be a great resource. (With Email you can vent, ramble, agonize - and never have to look at the other guys face!)
And no matter what others might say: this is not a phase you're going through, things might well get worse before they get better - there is light at the end of the tunnel, but unfortunately the road is filed with pot-holes, there are only a few out of date maps and some inaccurate Guide Books, and AAA's number is always busy.
DR Der Brucer, this kid got kicked out of the naval academy just for telling them he was gay?
Still No Gay Linguists
Wednesday, April 16, 2003; Page A26
THE UNITED STATES may be at war -- both with al Qaeda and in Iraq -- but the military still knows a domestic threat when it sees one: gay linguists in training. Last year, the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network (SLDN), an advocacy group that represents gay men and lesbians trying to serve their country despite the military's irrational "don't ask, don't tell" policy, disclosed that the military had discharged at least 10 linguists, seven of them Arabic-speaking, because of their sexual orientations. The military preferred to exacerbate a governmentwide shortage of Arabic-speakers rather than relax its gay ban, though the policy stigmatizes patriots and injures the military's readiness. You might think the Pentagon would have responded to the negative publicity. But apparently it has been undeterred.
In fact, the SLDN now informs us that the discharge of gay linguists has actually accelerated. The group has represented 24 linguists -- nine speak Arabic, eight Korean, three Farsi, two Chinese and two Russian -- and knows of at least one other case. According to Steve Ralls, the group's spokesman, 22 of the discharges are complete. (The Defense Department did not respond to calls seeking comment regarding the SLDN's claims.) Overall, gay discharges actually declined last year -- as they typically do when the country faces war and cannot afford to spend its time on witch hunts. But the progress has been spotty. So even as some gay men and lesbians are being tolerated temporarily while they help liberate Iraq, others are being kicked out of military language training. This is an enormous waste of human resources, at once self-destructive and unjust. The military cannot afford to brand as unfit for service qualified men and women who wish to put their talents -- whether those lie in combat roles or languages -- in the service of their country.
© 2003 The Washington Post Company
Kerry hints he'd review "don't ask, don't tell" if elected
Eric Johnston, PlanetOut Network
Monday, June 28, 2004 / 06:15 PM
SUMMARY: If he is elected president, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry hinted he might review the "don't ask, don't tell" policy on gays in the military.
If he is elected president, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry hinted he might review the "don't ask, don't tell" policy on gays in the military.
Kerry commented on the thorny issue in an article published in Monday's edition of the Army Times and its sister publications Navy Times, Air Force Times and Marine Times.
"It seems to me we are losing a lot of talent for our nation in interpreters, in intelligence, in a lot of different things," Kerry said in the interview. "There must be a way for those people to serve somehow."
Since "don't ask, don't tell" was adopted in 1994, nearly 10,000 military personnel have been discharged, according to data published by the Associated Press and obtained from the Defense Manpower Data Center. They included linguists, nuclear warfare experts and other key specialists.
"Don't ask, don't tell" allows gays to serve in the military only if they keep their sexual orientation private.
"We welcome the opportunity to work with Senator Kerry to review the policy and to allow freedom for gays and lesbians who want to serve openly," said Steve Ralls, director of communications for the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, a watchdog organization dedicated to ending discrimination against gay people serving in the military.
Ralls told the PlanetOut Network that such a review was "far overdue."
Kerry said he was not certain the policy should be changed, saying he would "sit down with my lead commanders in the military and figure out whether there is a way to put talented people to work without running into a confrontation with unit cohesion issues and other things that I respect and understand."
Ralls noted Kerry has been a "longtime advocate on behalf of lesbian and gay service members.
"He testified in 1993 on behalf of gay and lesbian service members and voted against 'don't ask, don't tell,'" Ralls said.
...and if not it is no reflection on himself.
Folks are always going to ask "why" if the why isn't clear.
As for how to approach the parents - here's one thought for a beginning at least. Maybe you could gather a list of good films (and there are some, including movies for television) about parents coming to an acceptance of their gay offspring. (The trick is to find a few that do not deal with the gay character dying of AIDS!) He could simply ask them to sit with him and watch a film. I would think there is nothing threatening in that. Then talk afterwards about what they've just watched - not about them, but the movie. At least it might open up conversation.[/i]
Why? ::)
A key point. I suspect the lad has major self-esteem issues right now - he got booted from a prestigious school and has disgraced his family - all his plans for a future are in the toilet and he has insufficient means to go it alone. I'm sure a knowledgeable psychologist would say that there was a real storm brewing in this kid and outside intervention is crucial.
My challenge now is to set up (by remote control) a support system to help him, and others like him to follow (I'll discuss more in my next post).
der Brucer
DR Der Brucer,
A.How exactly do they prove that someone is gay?
B. And if the people know they will be thrown out why do they admit to it?
C.Or why do they enroll in the first place?
D.It's absolutely amazing that this is allowed to go on.
E. And re: your young friend, I think him living with his family is probably not a good thing right now. Hopefully his parents will come to accept him, but right now they are not able to do that. Maybe he could give them some books to read.
Any person subject to this chapter who engages in unnatural carnal copulation with another person of the same or opposite sex or with an animal is guilty of sodomy. Penetration, however slight, is sufficient
to complete the offense.
…
Explanation. It is unnatural carnal copulation for a person to take into that person’s mouth or anus the sexual organ of another person or of an animal; or to place that person’s sexual organ in the mouth or anus of another person or of an animal; or to have carnal copulation in any opening of the body, except the sexual parts, with another person; or to have carnal copulation with an animal.
DR DerBrucer: I appreciate the young man's acceptance of his parents' offer to come home and work it all out.
I think, however, he could do it better "away" from the family home. Is he free to go out, make friends and have them over? Does he have anyone in town to confide in...whom he can go to and unwind, vent, or just hang out with (go to dinner or a movie)? His parents can cling to one another, but they seem hellbent on giving their son no slack at all.
He needs an emotional outlet. He needs a place he can go where he can put the "family crisis" totally out of his mind.
He needs "to know" that if his parents absolutely and utterly refuse to "accept" him as gay that he can make it on his own without them.
They need to know that, too!
I wanted to say *thank you* for all the warm responses to my plea for help,
and to give you an update on my situation. My outprocessing paperwork
stalled, which gave me a little more time to think things through instead of
being forced to make rushed, emotional decisions. I talked with my parents,
and they said that if I returned home, we as a family would figure
everything out. That ended up being my course of action. Little did I know
that "working things out" had unstated stipulations.
….
After spending the first week back home in Florida, with my parents ashamed
that I left the Naval Academy before graduating, I sat down and really tried
to figure out what to do next. It has all seemed overwhelming.
I have gotten a job as a manager at the Blockbuster video store where I
worked in high school.
Getting financing for a car has been next to impossible. I am getting back
into school, and have started filling out applications. I want to major in
Computer Animation or Game Development and Design.
Another set of Abbott and Costello discs coming in August...with Meets Frankenstein, Meets the Invisible Man, and Mexican Hayride.
Answers:
A. If your observed doing “it” with another – they gotcha! If they catch A&B doing “it”, they often suggest that they will be treated more leniently if they will reveal the names of others with whom they’ve done “it”.
My BK question: If you could only earn a living performing one of your many talents which one would it be: acting, singing, directing, composing, record producing, writing?
Juliana: She's been so busy with Wizard of Oz that we haven't had time to discuss the journal. When she gets back mid-July, we will for sure.
There are now two bunnies. My bunny has a friend!And how quickly can you learn to count beyond two? ;D
I've heard of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". If they don't want to advocate gay behavior that is one thing. But in this day and age wouldn't it make more sense for them to just NOT ASK and not throw anyone out.The full title was supposed to be "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Pursue." The result instead has been that men and women in the military ARE asked, and ARE pursued. Sense has nothing to do with the issue.
There is a great organization called Parents And Friends of Gays And Lesbians (PFLAG) which specializes in counseling families with gay children (and helping gay children with less-than accepting families. They run support groups that address the “let’s read this book” and “let’s see this movie together” and “can we just talk about it, please”.
I'm viewing a very strange -well, no stranger than MONSTER - - Australian film called CHOPPER. It stars Eric (THE HULK, TROY) as a notorious criminal.
(http://www.classicadelaide.com.au/ca/news/images/ericbana1.jpg)
And how quickly can you learn to count beyond two? ;D
At the end of the number, (Next Ten Minutes) he called the girlfriend up and proposed marriage to her as I underscored. She said yes, tearfully.
In addition to watching a movie together, the son could find a book for his parents (or either parent) to read at a quiet, less-confrontational time. The book that came to mind is Consenting Adult by Laura Z. Hobson (who wrote Gentleman's Agreement). I imagine the Marlo Thomas movie Matt suggested is based on this book.
I read this three times and I kept thinking you meant HE CALLED HER ON THE PHONE. And I kept thinking "why would he propose to her over the phone?"
Anybody else think that?
Guilty.
Also, we will go public with what you've done because we feel you are doing all of these things without the author having a clue as to your business practices. We will shine a very bright light on you.
Does the book have an ISBN number?
Personal Quote: Chandler told columnist Sheila Graham about his role in Jeanne Eagles (1957): "I thought that for once I could keep my shirt on and not have to shave my chest. But today, for a man to be a hit on the screen, he has to take his shirt off."
When his friend Sammy Davis Jr. lost an eye in an accident and was in danger of losing the other, Chandler offered to give Davis one of his own eyes.
Jeff Chandler died tragically at age 42. He injured his back in April of 1961 while in the Philippines making what turned out to be his last film Merrill's Marauders [1961). He entered a Culver City hospital and had surgery for a herniated spinal disc on May 13, 1961. There were severe complications, an artery was damaged and Chandler hemorrhaged. In a seven and a half hour emergency operation over and above the original surgery, he was given an enormous amount of blood, 55 pints. Another operation followed, date unknown, where he received an additional 20 pints of blood. An average adult has about 14 to 18 pints of blood, so his entire blood volume was replaced 4 to 5 times! Chandler fought hard to live, but expired June 17, 1961. His death was deemed malpractice and resulted in a large lawsuit and settlement for his children.
PPS: Jay, please don't tell mom......
I can't see the pics....only red x's!!!
(http://pic8.picturetrail.com/VOL242/891350/4436247/58500471.jpg)
Who's the gal on the right?
der Brucer (still pluggin')
From tomorrow's New York Times.
I guess the type has now evolved to vealcake.
While doing my web search I came across a website that you may be familiar with from your affiliation with your alumnae group. This article in particular was especially interesting (and hopeful) for me:
Aaron Belkin, Director of the Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military at UCSB, is about to break a BIG story with the Associated Press about data he and his team have recently collected.
Aaron needs someone in the Bay Area who was discharged under DADT, who would be willing to be photographed (and interviewed).
Like I said, these are "just curious" kinds of questions.
If so then tell of your experience in explicit detail.
(http://www.babyheirlooms.com/images/site_images/10_inch_curious_george.jpg)
der Brucer (taking an easy shot)
Why are we so wide? Can someone fix or tell me which post it is.
You can't hotlink from geocities sites.
I deleted the Cinerama photo from the New York Times.
I'll provide the link to the article here, but now everyone will [rhymes with "witch"] about having to register to see it.
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/01/movies/01MEN.html (http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/01/movies/01MEN.html)
I deleted the Cinerama photo from the New York Times.
I'll provide the link to the article here, but now everyone will [rhymes with "witch"] about having to register to see it.
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/01/movies/01MEN.html (http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/01/movies/01MEN.html)
Nope - The Good Fairy (rhymes with Mary) came to the rescue already.
On the subject of media ads:
The following appears on the back cover of Nation magazine:
Click to see AD (http://www.pleasevote.com/)
Is this what our political system has become?
der Brucer
On the subject of media ads:
The following appears on the back cover of Nation magazine:
Click to see AD (http://www.pleasevote.com/)
Is this what our political system has become?
der Brucer
TCB - enter stage right!Unlikely as his computer at home is dead and his workplace is not supportive of his HHW habit.
Your fans await!
Good evening der Brucer, Sandra, RLP, George, and anyone else who popped in after I checked the top of the page!
I am back at the public lie-berry for my 15 minutes on the internet.
Meanwhile, back at the farm... ;)
Playbill.com has this new article:
Brent Barrett [the WSMA! ("World's Sexiest Man Alive" in HHW lingo)] to Star in Regional Premiere of Ludwig's Leading Ladies (http://www.playbill.com/news/article/87086.html)
Could he be heading to Broadway?
I have one black shirt that my brother sent me one Christmas, but aside from it and my tux, I never wear black either. I hate the way it has become the uniform colour of the so-called hip these days.
I still don't have much to say, except that I am now eating a doughnut.
DR PANNI are you interested in the subject of Aimee Semple McPherson?
Personal quirk - even though I hate it, I clear my throat way too much. Don't know why, really, but I wish I could stop doing it.
Panni, the trouble is that everyone else discovered "the glory of black" too. It's no longer any sort of personal fashion statement when everybody else in the room is dressed in the same damn thing. Every Hollywood party, screening, or opening, I go to everyone is dressed in the so-called "power" colour of black. All our youth seem to be dressed in nondescript, existensial black. It is all very, very boring.
Here are some questions for BK and anyone who makes CDs from albums
The moral for the evening: If you bring Jose to a concert or recital with you, expect a little "extra" entertainment during your evening!
;)
Last week (I think) Oprah said that pink is the new black! Everyone " Think Pink!" (an Angry Housewives and Funny Face reference)
Is that "Angry Housewives Eating Bonbons" you're talking about? If it is, that's strange. I took it off the shelf earlier today to check something. It was a book I was asked to adapt as a series a while back. Worked out an approach and pitched it at CBS and a few other places, but no one bit ("too soft"). I was thinking today that maybe I should look into it again.