CURTAIN RODS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...the maid quit...
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing that his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU??
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he built a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully 'loaded'."
The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and is a go-go dancer in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Love COLD CASE and the way they flashback and forward with the characters - often during the same scene we see characters the way they were then along with the way they are now. It gives the show its uniqueness, its identity. Sorry it made you crazy.
Golly! Wading through the plethora of jokes to find any sort of topic to discuss is tough today.
And the punchline is? :)
When life throws you a bunch of jokes, call them "friends" and throw a joke or two back at them.
:D
DR RLP I ordered CAPOTE and hopefully it will be here THIS week. I watched the ORIGNAL KING KONG yesterday. Still a fine movie.
I liked the new KONG, but just didn't like so much of it. I wish the "hero" role hadn't been split up into two characters, and I didn't like the natives on the island nearly as much as I did in the original....they were certainly menacing but the other ones were scarier to me....and then of course there's the music. Maybe it was Steiner's music that made the island and its inhabitants so scary. It certainly enhanced the danger.
DR ELMORE I had a Merry Widow in my mailbox today!
DR RLP I ordered CAPOTE and hopefully it will be here THIS week. I watched the ORIGNAL KING KONG yesterday. Still a fine movie.
I liked the new KONG, but just didn't like so much of it. I wish the "hero" role hadn't been split up into two characters, and I didn't like the natives on the island nearly as much as I did in the original....they were certainly menacing but the other ones were scarier to me....and then of course there's the music. Maybe it was Steiner's music that made the island and its inhabitants so scary. It certainly enhanced the danger.
Literary Insults
A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having
you here." -Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many
obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas
"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors
open." -Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness
in others." -Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker
forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always
yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain
"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." -Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West
"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." -Oscar Wilde
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends." -Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"There is less here than meets the eye" Tallulah Bankhead
"Miss Hepburn runs the gamut of emotions from A to B" Dorothy Parker
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think" Dorothy Parker
Perhaps some HHW expert can help me answer this question:
How are Nikki & Parris Hilton related to Francesca Hilton, daughter of Zsa Zsa Gabor some OTHER Hilton..... Was ZZ married to the King of the Hiltons - Conrad - or his son....or what the hey?
In an attempt to put a halt to the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush
has ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands.
Methinks this will be a heavy traffic day at HHW. Especially once dear Vixmom logs in.
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen?
-Snowballs.
Q. How many FEMA Directors does it take to change a New Orleans light bulb?
A. One, but it takes two weeks. Three days to determine that the light bulb in question is in fact a federally-protected light bulb, two days to wait for State and local authorities to declare a state of darkness, one day to arrange for a truckload of light bulbs to be flown from Maui to Maine, two days to be interviewed on national television justifying the need to buy light bulbs from Halliburton since there had never been darkness before, three days to find the correct devastated lightbulb, two days to turn in a letter of resignation and send self-congratulory e-mails about limiting the outage to the single bulb, and a final day to bring in a Louisiana General with a ladder and a functional lightbulb.
(Restoration of electrical utility needed to power the bulb is still being committeed in Congress.)
Perhaps some HHW expert can help me answer this question:
How are Nikki & Parris Hilton related to Francesca Hilton, daughter of Zsa Zsa Gabor some OTHER Hilton..... Was ZZ married to the King of the Hiltons - Conrad - or his son....or what the hey?
Well, I'm gonna get ready to head in. I need to run a few errands before the show, and I also believe I may have some special guests coming tonight too. ;)
I got thrown off and coudnn't get back in, I kept being told there a was data base error and to contact the administrator, I finally "back-doored" my way in...
Too many bad jokes?.
Here's a Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo
LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don't add no more vood
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da morning
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood
RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork
HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: come on in
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero
SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season
CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix's wife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Misses can find em
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof
PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats
DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it
And I'm off, much to the relief of everyone else I am sure!
hee hee Ginny!! And I'm off, much to the relief of everyone else I am sure! See y'all tomorry!
Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny part is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. And you can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.
Wow! HHW now has a bigger band with more gigs! A recording contract can only follow!
Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health."
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time", said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim here", said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure", said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain", said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"
http://www.ricka.com/funpages/pcridinghood.html
Sounds like you two ladies will have a lovely time...
Aside from the NY gang it should be more than just the two of us. Want to visit NY?
Catching up on posts... I liked seeing Adam Pascal and Laura Bell Bundy on Cold Case last night, I guess that Tracie Thoms is a regular now? Anyway, the show seemed poorly written. I've watched it once before and liked it, I think the format is interesting, but last night was blech.
Back from a surprise jog - a surprise given the fact that I managed to do just under a mile without stopping and at a steady clip. It actually felt good, and, as sometimes happens when I jog, the entire opening scene of the new play came to me in a flash.
Ginny, sounds good to me. :)
Thanks for the reminder. I still need to get an appointment at the NIH so I can coordinate my trip. I also want to be back in time to meet Tomovoz in Portland.
wish i could afford to...
What is this about another NY HHW get together??!!
Hmmm...I wonder if my previous rooms are available!!!
Just back from BROADWAY BY THE YEAR 1956 at Town Hall. This featured - among many many stellar performances - stellar performances by the WSMA (World's Sexiest Man Alive, in HHW lingo, Brent Barrett), and possibly the W2ndSMA (World's Second Sexiest Man Alive, Marc Kudisch).
Things you learn from the movies:
#27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
Wow! George and DakotaCelt....surprise! Surprise!
Y'all snuck up on me, all right.
If she'd been on the air, she might have advised Tom Cruise NOT to jump up and down and make a b-i-g fool of himself like he did on Oprah.
Meanwhile...we've achieved page 12!
Good night, Ron.