Can't stop thinking about poor Jason Raize. Why would someone so young and talented do something like that? And if one thing had been different at that moment, would he still be alive? A kind word from a stranger, a phone call from a friend...
I only ever came close once to doing something like that. I was a young actress, on tour in some strange city. Alone late at night in my hotel room, bad show that evening, big fight with my boyfriend, feeling untalented, unloved, really depressed. So much had gone wrong that particular night, and every bad thing that had ever happened to me just washed over me... everything seemed hopeless...
With that, DR Panni, you've come closer than most to understanding what can happen. Three key phrases struck me here: "Alone late at night"..."feeling untalented, unloved, really depressed"... and "Every bad thing that had ever happened to me just washed over me."
Depression is the monster, with those feelings of being "un". Unloved, untalented, unable to do things right, un everything. This can cycle through to "Every bad thing...washed over me." Not just washed, but floods. And then there is that first word, "Alone." That can be the most frightening thing of all, not knowing how to turn to anyone for help, even being afraid that they won't recognize someone in need.
We've discussed this before, the severe depression I went through shortly after arriving in Delaware, in early November. And these were the things I was going through, emotionally. It took all of my willpower to remember that there
would be a morning, that things
could get better. And as terrified as I was, I was able to reach out, to der Brucer (just as alone on the other coast), and then to get medical help.
This is one of the reasons people should keep in mind that depression is an illness. It is nothing to be ashamed of, although it feels shamefull at the time. There is help that can be found. Having a telephone handy, and reaching to a hotline, can be one way of breaking through. Not being alone is essential.
My heart aches, not only for Jason Raize but for his family as well.