In her message to me, Jane asked about dating. Well, the day I got the email (not that she knew 
, my boyfriend and I broke up. It wasn't a question of us not liking each other anymore. In fact, both of us are still interested in each other, and we might get back together in the future. Who knows? We're taking it one day at a time.
You see, Joe suffers from depression and social anxiety disorder. He might also be dependent on alcohol to help him open up to people. (Let's just say I've observed this and have had to take care of him if he gets sick. It's led to lots of guilt and embarrassment on his part and some hurt feelings on my end.--Note: I have a specific incident in mind, but things are fine, so don't worry, please.) Anyway, after the last couple of emotionally intense and draining weeks (as he was feeling happy when we got together and fell into another bout with depression a couple of weeks later), he recognized that he's not able to handle a relationship now and not for a while. While it's been hard to understand at times, I know I can't be selfish and force him to continue the relationship. We remain good friends, and a lot of people are confused about what we are--we are often together, so they think we're still a couple. It's just as confusing, if not moreso, to us!
I guess my point is that Joe needs lots of prayers and good vibes. He has a counseling appointment on Nov. 11. I really hope he decides to drink less or not at all as we've discussed how it's become too much and how it interacts with the paxil he's taking. *Sigh* I care about him so much, and I want to be here for him as a friend or a girlfriend...whatever he can handle. There's a lot more to the situation than just this. I'd just appreciate advice from anyone who might have experience in a situation like this. I don't want to be the person he comes to regret, but I definitely can't abandon him or let him continue these detrimental activities. Thank you all so much.
Love,
Laura
Dear Laura: You're handling this quite well, better than most.
I've got some been-there/done-that, so I can relate. Hopefully, his counciling will be more than just talk; medication really does work for people like Joe (and like me). If he does go on meds, he'll be needing extra support for the first three weeks in particular, because it usually takes that long for the reaction to the meds to stabilize. Even if he feels much better within just a few days, this can be an over-reaction.
Like I say, been there, done that.
You've nailed the drinking connection on the head. A number of us who are depressed have resorted to self-medication, and that is what it is. This is not alcoholism as AA would define it, it is something else again. The problem is, the depressant part of drinking is two-fold. First, drinking lowers the mental resistance, relaxes the drinker. This is the part of self-medicating that works.
Where self-medicating fails is that the depressant reaction to the drug that alcohol is keeps working after the immediate relief wears off. It took me some time to realize that drinking actually made me
more depressed. And that drinking more was not the cure it pretended to be.
And yes, I continue to have to be very careful with alcohol. I always will have to be careful, recognizing that if I
do overindulge that I will have to pay an emotional price later.
So, what to do. Like I said earlier, standing by Joe as a friend is one of the best things you
can do. Make sure he realizes that being depressed is not his fault, that it is an illness, but one that can be treated. And if the first treatment proves to be the wrong direction, there's nothing wrong with trying something else. In fact, he's already
tried a first treatment that failed, alcohol, so giving some other medications their chance is only fair for himself.
Strong vibes to the both of you.
(Edited for danged spelling errors.)
